Rubikon: i'm a whore.
The Line gets done with his speech and lowers to go back down the stairs. almost tripping on his tan suit. everyone is gathered for this here the Dem Convention. i mean everyone.
The Line: what'd you think?
Rubikon jumps the stage.
Rubikon: man, what are you doing! what is everyone doing? this won't win the Election! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!
Beto O'Rourke, now security but without a gun, ushers him back to his seat.
The Line: well that makes a splash. but it's not what i taught you at Brooklyn Boys Club, young pup.
Rubikon: that's the problem, you're a soft sensei, sensei. you're a big softie in a field which blowtorches its teddy bears. worse, you teach softness. look, i appreciate all you did for me and my moms. you made my moms your wife and fed me ramen every morning even if that meant you went without. tho truthfully one ramen can last two weeks. but the point is, all you so-called adults are ruining it for the rest of us! this calm happy sanguine approach won't cut it! you know what they're doing on the other side? they're cheaters, scoundrels, and murderers. they do whatever it takes to win, they'll sully the name of their own Jewish grandmother in print. they're advocating to bring back lynching trees. we have to fight fire with fire. our truth has to look like fake news. we gotta dox all the team owners. we have to strike the first baton-blow at the rallies, land it for our land. it's the only way we win. we win by destroying the other side. there is no bipartisanship left in the world.
The Line: blood i appreciate your fervor. i was like you once.
Rubikon: what happened? let me guess, you "grew up".
The Line: no it's just everyone gets older. the body ages tho the mind remains fierce. i hate it, i want to run around like a jumproping kid in jail but i just can't anymore. it's not settling, it's just my mouth is hoarse and i got no lozenges. i've learned how to win the squeezed-out small slim victories. speeches are bullshit, wake me up when something gets done. when something happens.
Rubikon: exactly. we have to play the media as expertly as they do. nobody reads anymore, they just watch. so if it has to be tv stunts so be it.
The Line: hey, little man, we're not at live-executions yet.
Rubikon: we're close. months away, closer than Global Warming Rubicon. they will needle and pry to find the slightest thing to smear you with and turn it into your little sister in the basement. if they want a holocaust, we must counter with our own holocaust.
The Line: i promised your moms i'd look over and after you, pinch you when you strayed too far to the edge of a Hawaii cliff.
Rubikon: you mean The Promised Land? yeah i know, then she sealed the deal by giving you a blowjob in the morning kitchen by the light of the eggs basket. i saw the whole thing after i rubbed my eyes and before my corn flakes.
President Bump sits in the audience seats amongst the other conventioners. and no one does anything. no one looks at him.
Bump: when they don't even boo, that's when you got problems in the polls.
Dirg: how was your Halloween break, sir?
Bump: not a break. i saw Joker in the theatres. it creeped me the fuck out. imagine sitting next to an entire theatre of weird men in white and green makeup with smeared woman lipstick on their mouths trying to all have a collective experience. i thought the place was ready to blow at any minute. but it was SUCH a beautiful film! the perfect date-night movie! unfortunately, Melania said she was sick that night. then she added, "of me".
Dirg: no worries, sir, i'm sure when you win Reelection they'll get that inhouse Cream House movie theatre all fixed for you so you never have to leave the house. you know you probably should never attend ANY public event again, for the rest of your life.
Bunim: i really hate that Road Rules guy on tv all the time defending Bump. who does he think he is? i MADE him!
Katie Hill speaks in the background, which is the foreground of the stage.
Bump: that Katie Hill, amirite? i mean god damn. she is WAY too good to be true!
Dirg and Bump fistbump.
Dirg: right? i see you my man, my main playa. i mean she was the dream to start with, but then later i learn on top of everything else she's BI!!! SHE'S A TOP AND A BOTTOM!!! it's too much, it's too much GOODNESS SYRUP!!!
Laertus: i feel so sorry for this woman. can't a bi just have some fun in this society? be free? you KNOW you wouldn't have minded being that fish fresh out of college as her lucky boytoy staffer.
Dirg: i'd wear the bicycle shorts. but rules be rules.
Laertus: nobody wants to see you in bicycle shorts, prez. uh, "sir", you must do something to combat revenge porn. and don't make her scummy ex-husband your new Secretary of State when Pompeo inevitably somehow wins Kansas.
Bump: the scuzz rises to the top. i don't deal with revenge porn, i'm straight porn all the way. why just the other day Kim mailed me some of his deepfake porn of the NBC soap Passions from his massive collection in a huge envelope scented with k-pop-star puss and idol idle. at least i think that was Kim...
Jimmy G: so are you a porn star? i can only date porn stars to keep my name.
Erin Andrews: well...…...accidentally i am...
Llywarch gets up next on that stage. nobody in the crowd notices he has goat-hooves for hands, everyone is deadened.
Llywarch: so that's the thing with Instagram, there are no easy solutions. allow everyone in? or nobody in if you choose? you want the community to be as inclusive as possible, but it's still too easy for one troll to ruin a community of 1000000 with one troll and shut the whole place down. then no one has any fun. have you noticed the trend? the person who posts a famous song or film clip starts to receive credit for that posting as if HE was the one who made the movie or song!! like it might as well have been HIM who created this song cos HE's the one broadcasting it to the masses!!!
Rubikon: hold up hold up.
he gets out of his chair again and flips onto the stage on his middle finger.
Rubikon: when i think about Instagram, i think about darkness. as in PG&E forcibly shutting down the lights to prevent forest fires. first it was Bambi, then Smokey, and now PG&E is making sure you don't smoke cos they won't provide the energy for the lighter. only PG&E can prevent forest fires. there's gotta be another solution, this model is untenable. i got one, easy: the areas where PG&E HAS to remove power for whatever winds, PG&E MUST provide those places with generators so their power can stay on through the highness. Santa Ana never wore no Halloween sweater!
this rouses the crowd. somewhat. they pat and shift in their seat positions and one-hand-clap and cheer halfheartedly, which is progress.
The Line: it all starts with one bright idea, brotha. you just invented the light bulb. you, not Tesla. you with cred? who-eee, that be dangerous. i'm shaking in my deferred boots.
Rubikon: you ever see any action?
The Line: just in my black soul.
Prince Harry get up on stage next.
Prince Harry: history should NEVER repeat itself! Di or Impeachment, whatever you're thinking about. please, call my moms Diana, not Di. i mean just cos we're fucking famous we give up human rights and basic necessities? the freedom not to be blown up by a bomb when you go out for a pack of smokes. England knows about mad kings, and i know about madness, cos i'm bonkers and proud of it. i will never be king, but trust me, my brother is worse! he's crazy but everyone thinks he's nice! we must be given the space and freedom to be crazy in this world! or no one would ever fall in love! the next time you paparazzi want to take a picture of me, want a piece of me, i'll show you not my bum but my forehead, so you can take a picture of my brain, to send it out to science. run away, paparazzi, jump over your bushes, race to the cure!
Teuila Blakely gets up there.
Teuila: i know, folks, right? thanks for clapping! FINALLY our show matters! finally there's some modicum of interesting thing happening. let's hope the blonde and the nerd fuck soon or this might be a franchise series finale! i'll give the neophytes blowjob lessons, they'll be fine. especially gotta teach the nerd, he's new to Hollywood. i know Power Rangers isn't really Hollywood, but. keep your fingers, toes, robo dicks, and french-ticklers crossed, i'm rooting for those two this crazy couple!
more get up there on stage. like the TMIT Workplace Scenario with the black dude, Asian chick, and white girl in a millennial reboot of Distracted Boyfriend. and then the lady who flipped off Bump on the bike gets up on stage to read her acceptance speech. that's when Rubikon interrupts again.
Rubikon: hold up hold up, imma let you finish. but *he shows a slide* THIS is the real crime, folks. the Mike Tyson video game with the black coach and white acolyte champion boxer sponsored by McDonalds. jogging in a pink suit i might add, very of our times. remember metrosexuals? that was tame by comparison. EVERYONE thinks the black man stole Lil Mac's bike! see? just cos he's wearing a Bill Cosby red sweater? i'm happy for you, lady, i really am, you give the bikeriders the hope that they too can change their destinies, not just ride off from them. but this is the real injustice that goes unspoken and underreported in corporate boardrooms.
Doryce: and how was your Halloween, dear? did you get all the candy you wanted?
Gladyce: oh dear, i have no more teeth so i don't have to worry bout candy. but what i really needed was food.
Doryce: to Instagram? did you finally figure out how to do Instagram, dear?
Gladyce: oh no dear, i don't fuck with any of that stuff at my age, my place in history is already cemented.
Doryce: you know Halloween is the ONE day Instagram is really made for. right? it's tailored to post that ONE pic of you in your costume, even if you don't post anything else out of the year.
Gladyce: what i really wanted this year as my Halloween present was pork chops and applesauce. i've never had that dish and it sounds so yummy.
ths plagues Doryce. she doesn't like to see her lover go without. so she takes a sojourn without her beloved knowing, this is ONE job she does alone. she gets a job at the Ark Encounter:
Doryce: wow. this seems like a fraught job. i mean this whole place is a lie! i mean i was there, there was no Ark nor Flood, i would have known, i would have been the first woman to rip off her swimsuit and mate with the animals! i was born to cruise! how do they sleep at night taking other people's money. imma just break into the glass here and turn off the silent alarm and steal and rob and clear out this whole gift shop, religious karma is on my side!
then she sells all the hot items on Instagram and makes enough for a nice orange-bulb-candlelit dinner of pork chops and applesauce for Gladyce.
Gladyce: that was so yummy, dear, thanks.
Doryce: who were you dreaming about when you ate that meal?
Gladyce: why the Brady boy who Bogarted it to existence on television like a spell.
Rubikon: stick with Greg Brady, he's the dreamboat, he's the one who fucked his mom. that other Brady is an asshole Bump supporter.
Eye Luggage: the THINX commercial and go.
Laertus: and how was your Halloween break, my man?
Dirg: oh sorry i'm late......i......gasp...gulp...gulch...i had to do...homework...i don't know if i despise our auditoriums more when they're filled with garrulous G-spot-missing bighead-but-with-little-heads professors or when they're filled with Dem candidates! i mean, come on, this commercial: they might as well go all the way and chop off each little boy's cock on live international tv and make it THINXXX for the fetishists. i mean men still do develop deep Adele voices and grow hair round their pubes like the Midsommar Maypole, right? not everyone can make it to the big boys, to the Vienna Boys Choir, that's a hard audition.
Laertus: the castrati are swimming in bitches. if men got periods, there would be free daycare in the workplace worldwide.
Dirg: soon, the incels will be the tough guys of the world. i shudder. tho i gotta say, slipping a quarter in the vending machine and buying a pack of cigarettes---or gum---and instead of gum it's sticks of tampons, that's pretty cool.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh just how...
Blue Stan Lee: ...9 1/2 Weeks, that's where i first saw my future first Marvel villain! i said to myself in the adult theatre i was staying at, i says, Stan, that ain't no Mickey Mouse! that's a Rourke, that's a Rothschild, he's gotta be a villain! he's already the superman of sex! copyright, i can do it, i'm dead. that film was such a Marvel story! full of good and evil and S&M cum. they wanted me to do a comic book of 9 1/2 Weeks...
Eye: Punch Drunk Love and go.
Laertus: confession, my first true PTA movie. well there was Boogie Nights but i was asleep for most of that, way past my bedtime. first one i paid attention to.
Eye: Adam Sandler knocks it out of the park. why didn't he win the Oscar, he will never and i mean NEVER get an opportunity like that again! he was pitch-perfect, pun intended. he acted exactly how crazy people act, i know, i'm a crazy person.
Dirg: it's strange how he hasn't done any dramatic work since. i mean this should have been the pivot catalyst of his career, he should have done serious stuff from then on. replace Daniel Day-Lewis.
Laertus: as i always say, the best dramatic actors are the funniest comedians, cos they know true pain, except the guy who masturbated in front of Sarah Silverman.
Dirg: Emily Watson, i dunno, you know? they're presenting her as the dream babe everyone wants. yeah, i dunno…
Laertus: she is the older-woman i desire. the mature one, the adult in the room, the one who'll clean up my spilt milk. maturely emotional and problem-solving. i don't want a girlfriend, i want a mommy.
Eye: and of course the sex, well, it will be Amazon-position sex with Emily at the helm!
Laertus: i could so totally see Ricky Gervais doing the British remake-of-the-British-original of this. right? in the Barry role as David Brent. instead of themed toilet plungers David makes his papers firm toilet papers. firm stools. i think it's a very subtle title and exploration of that certain kind of feeling. when you're in love, you're drunk, your faculties take a coffee break, your guard is down and you're vulnerable and instinctual. you will do crazy unthought-out things cos the conquest chase is crazy in itself. you will lick your environs. i mean you're trying to get another independent rational being to love you, that's crazy, right? i think for those on the spectrum, that complicates things even more, they will feel the feelings more deeply, the threat of rejection and forever-alone will drive them off the edge, literally.
Eye: ugh. i mean we all are awkward when it comes to love. and it doesn't help getting beat up by a truck full o' hicks who know where you live. and that you have a horrible family. is it a birthday-party slight that you have to blog ten years about? or are you justified? i mean i hate being set up on dates, that gets me so set-upon. that's so disrespectful. it implies you can't get a date or a lift or a life and you need help cos you're a loser. it implies you can't live life! fuck you, Hammer!
Dirg: ok boomer.
Laertus: you okay, dear? remember my theory: all humans have some form of mental illness however slight. we all suffer from the mental illness of being a human being. the cinematography here is so beautiful and vivid, love the use of dark light, the supermarket ballet scene was so Radiohead Plastic Trees.
Dirg: Chloe from 24 has always been an ass. i was waiting for that scene, that seminal scene, when dude has had enough and can't take any more abuse. and he WRECKS SHOP on that glass case and sliding doors! sliding doors of love my ass, hahaha! i had a smilar wreck-job i performed on my dresser in my new dorm room, i HATE my new roommate!
Laertus: you gotta stop listening to early NIN, bud, i told you, listen to his new stuff, less ragey, more Lindsey Buckingham. Takahashi?
Dirg: you know when Lindsey wanted to join Fleetwood Mac they looked at the name Buckingham and thought he was English. Takahashi disappeared midway through our fetch quest. for some fetching shiny thing in the bushes. a bish in the bush.
Laertus: this film was the first anxiety coach. i'm taking two and calling Madame Pons in the morning. first time i witnessed a harmonium in all its glory! i formed a harmonim band after that. shortly after. we're big online.
Dirg: it made me less fearful of flying again, cos i need that pudding for my bitch tub. it made me eat Healthy Choice again. you know that therapist dentist could have helped Barry if he was wearing a dog puppet on his hand.
Eye: most of the world's problems can be solved with a tire iron. not a hammer. it's the same phone-sex operator from Her!!! and now a moment of silence for PSH. PSH in PTA. Philip Seymour Hoffman in a Paul Thomas Anderson film. if only that mattress had caught Philip's fall! should have had the bed ticking from 9 1/2 Weeks.
Eye: is it really crazy to fly all the way to Hawaii? i mean it's Hawaii. i'd even walk there and it wouldn't be crazy. and then Lena wraps her arms around him like a Mobius scarf and says, "so here we go..."
Dirg: "...to the bathroom. together." till next week, folks!
Rubikon is looking across the table to a jittery white woman in an office space converted from a warehouse very much like in the film Punch Drunk Love:
woman: and what is it exactly that you do?
Rubikon: what is it exactly that YOU do?
woman: well you're the one here, Mr. Rabies. didn't you say to indicate that you wanted to make a fresh clean slate of things, start over? a new life?
Rubikon: well yes. *uncomfortably shifts in his chair* i'm gonna go for it this time. i am gonna change. do it differently. not let anyone who watches a screen stop me. i can tell you're a student here at Obec, you just look like a student, this is uncomfortable temp work for you. you don't care about me, only your credits.
Rubikon tackles the young lady from across the desk.
Rubikon: look up there!
there were a pile of pencils stuck to the dotted ceiling which were coming loose, flipping over, and falling down like rabid spears.
Rubikon: you're lucky you wear glasses, lady! a sexy corpse is still a corpse. you thought i was gonna stab you in the eye with the pencil myself, huh. you know Back To The Future? the flux capacitor? it's shaped in a Y, ever notice that? it's yonic, female energy driving the universe, WAY before its time, pun intended.
the woman: *smiling* wow, thank you, sir, i'll never see that movie the same way again! i couldn't relate to Marty, too skateboardy.
Rubikon: there's no Women's Lib Studies anymore on college campuses, everything the entire curriculum is just assumed to all be female. you asked me earlier what i did. i write novels, bra, i write novels.