the Kurds: did our entire lives mean nothing?
President Bump: you didn't help my friend Norman. Jim's friend. not Bates.
Yao Ming: did my entire life mean nothing?
Snoop: chill, bros, life is still livable. with the right herb.
Laertus: i hate guns. i despise gun culture. but i gotta say, those money guns are pretty cool.
Snoop: right? just trying to loosen up all those farmer voters, feel me, son?
Bump: can i be your homie?
Snoop: the only reason i ain't calling the cops on yo fat ass is you're reputed to be friends with Martha Stewart.
Mike Pence pops his head in again, this time in Downton Abbey.
The Queen: oh Michael, come on down! *flutters fan* i must say you have the most beautiful cake calligraphy! that curvy icicng is divine! the wedding guests are gonna be too gobsmacked to put anything else in their mouths! it's so gentle and rollicking over gentle steppes and hills and ranch-dressing valleys, where did you learn it? are you sure you aren't English? you look black.
Pence: i'm passing. whistleblowering past the graveyard. i just don't want anyone catching wind of my hidden talent, i'm not into NBC shows.
Matt Lauer: where's Putin? i REALLY hate Putin!
Putin: did you enjoy your accommodations and visit and stay? next time when you come over i'll show you around our gas stations and i'll throw a dinner party in your honor! you gotta admit, despite our differences, the Olympics really do bring us all together.
The Queen: so Michael, do you like cleaning? this film is literally about cleaning a house.
Pence: i ripped the sponge away from my maid.
The Queen: when you do the florets, do you prefer the pink ones or the lilac?
Pence: i'm a talented chef.
The Queen: it's not really being a chef if you just do cakes. where did you learn your Method? Russia?
Pence: the gays. i LOVE the gays, they're the only ones who'll let me experiment! with the cakes. the gays are just one of the guys. i wanted to be a planner before politics, you know. just don't tell Mother, she hates me and wouldn't understand my passion.
The Queen: me? the Queen Mum?
Pence: no my wife.
The Queen: oh i see...…...dump the bitch and get with me. you're quite handsome, striking really. you look like if John Lennon had lived.
there's a knock at the cabinet door.
The Queen: yes yes i'm coming. why am i the only one around here wearing a ballroom gown? what do you want?
Boris Johnson: *naked, afraid, and sweaty* i did what you said, Mum! here, take a look!
he hands her some parchment.
The Queen: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! you are writing the Constitution for the WHOLE of the UK, not just England! honestly we should have done this like 900 years ago but Prime Minister was your dream, right, Bojo?
Bojo: oh man, the Parliament seats are so sticky from banana butter, they stick to my hairy back! i tripped on a row of ditch-shovels on my way here. it's hot indoors, hotter than outdoors. and all i have to write with is a quill! AND The Naked Brexit Lady is next to me sneering at me smeared with her lips half-lipsticked with streaks of Bush ruby-red. the band not the nostalgic president.
The Queen: finish and i'll give you a kiss. Bojo, dahlin, you're writing the first draft of history! this is quite historic innit! if you have calligraphy questions hit up Mike here. if you don't complete this by Halloween, there's a purple leg-shackle with your name on it at the Tower.
Bojo: really? what does it say?
The Queen: engraved by the ravens with their talons as they joppily jaunt each morning on the lawn: it says:
now toodle on, dear, i'm busy, i got a country to run. *picks up Victorian phone* yes, hello? The Pope? wanna get married?...
Martin Scorsese opens the door to his Victorian mansion and picks up the paper. Stan Lee bumrushes inside.
Scorsese: you're looking quite blue, Stan.
Stan: i'm dead. imma hologram.
Scorsese: knew it. the only question which remains is:
why isn't the universe blue?
look imma handle it like Adam Silver, kay? i'll get Wilford Brimley to play you in my next picture. Wilford Brimley isn't blue, right?
Stan: you gotta call the whole thing off, Marty. it'll never work. take it from a friend, New York City will never survive this.
Scorsese: i know people who can handle things. smooth things over. i elect police commissioners. *ring ring* gotta take this, thank you and good night, my Victorian-mansion phone is ringing.
Scorsese: yes hello?
Samuel L Jackson: the thing is, you'd think i would have starred in one of your sophisticated erudite implacable opaque gangster films by now. but have i? i can't remember. This Is Not For You.
Marty: Sam, Sam baby, take some drugs and calm down. i got you. what do you want? a producer credit? an arcade token? i know what you mean, you HAD to have been in one of my pictures...but i'm not certain...it's the Mandela Effect.
SLJ: that's racist.
at the Treehouse, Gladyce has begun the October tradition of instead of having the bright lights of the chandelier in the main living room, she shuts those lights shut and instead just turns on one nightstand lamp at the far corner which beams a mellow low sumptuous soft mood light of dark orange.
Doryce: very festive, dear! sets the mood alright! but it's a spooky mood, too.
Gladyce: i love tradition...that i start this year.
President Bump sits down next to them on the couch.
Bump: see? this is the problem. these orange bulbs, make me look orange when i'm not. we gotta get rid of them ALL. sorry. and see that plug it's plugged into? gotta go. i'm the High Energy President. only environmentally-sound energy-efficient bulbs from now on. the ones run on wind panels.
crones: why is it that you have a habit of ruining EVERYTHING?
Bump: i mean it's a dilemma. a conundrum, an E word as Churchill said...he should have taken E for his black-dog depression, he'd still be here. what does PG&E do? i'm a big fan of California so i don't want to tell them how to run their country. i mean the company decides to shut down power for like three days to prevent a conflagration catastrophe like last year which cost the state trillions in dollars and lives. but this angers many small-businesses who have to eat that lost three-days' of wages. the company said there would be NO reimbursements. it's a lose/lose situation.
Llywarch: you need power for Instagram. you know now a person's worth is valued on who they look like, which celebrity they look like, not on any story they write in the comments...
Dirg: for the record, you look like Billy Bob Thornton.
Laertus: can we talk about the new episodes of Spider-Man first?
Dirg: nope. one saga is enough for a lifetime of mine.
Dirg: but it is cool, man. it really is. they turned the corner this show.
Eye Luggage: yes! now if only Harley would grow a Commander-Riker beard...
Laertus: the Superior Spider-Man Saga is sublime! whoever voices Doc Oc, i'd give him the Emmy RIGHT NOW in his 8-pocket hands! i like this kind of character, you don't see much of it in media.
Dirg: the anti-hero, i've studied him fistfully and fruitfully.
Laertus: Superior Spider-Man is endlessly fascinating: he's a good guy who fights tooth-and-nail to get the bad guy, yet he's rude about it. there's no light banter and wordplay, he ACTS like a villain while he's kicking the bad guys' asses. it's a game to him, he's doing it to show the world they were wrong about him, to show off, to get the glory, not for justice or any kind of altruism. to show he's better at it than anyone else could be. he HATES helping people but he views it more like his job, he has to. he does this begrudgingly, not for Ben.
Eye: like those priests on that Irish sitcom…
Dirg: is it so bad to build Spider Robots? Spider Robots are cool. Mary Jane Watson won't admit it but she masturbates to Superior Spider-Man…
Eye: SHE's hit the jackpot! SVU and go.
Laertus: okay i gotta admit, Gunsmoke on the bar-tv at the beginning of the episode was cool. i want that vice cop to be on the regular cast, she was awesome! want her to be the new detective.
Dirg: it is so meta tho, right? i mean this actress who is sexually-assaulted at the audition on the show, PLAYING this part, was probably ACTUALLY sexually-assaulted at an audition in real life in just the way the script is written! by Harvey Weinstein in a towel with little Charlie-roses on it. Ariel Winter's body is ridiculous. you gotta admit, it is SO WEIRD to see Emilia Clarke with highlights in her hair in a very proper very English romcom at an ice-rink not wearing any sort of dragon robe.
Eye: okay i have to admit. begrudgingly. at least it's still kinda Winter.
Eye: The Gods Must Be Crazy and go. wait, what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh just how suicide must NEVER be glamorized. it's not cool, kids.
Laertus: can we do the Panera commercial first?
Eye: i get no respect around here.
Laertus: it's just...you know?
Eye: *sigh* yeah i know. it's just food, dude! it's just food. the people in these commercials eat the Panera food like they've literally never seen, heard, smelt, or tasted food before! SALAD?!! SANDWICHES?!! BOWLS?!! the dude at the end trying to sport a thin-veneer Commander-Riker beard, he literally eats the bowl of salad, licks the Russian dressing between his V-victory fingers, turns the wooden bowl over to see if there's any more salad scrap stragglers he missed, crumples up the brown-paper napkin into a basketball, and tosses it in the bowl for 2 points and a job well done.
Dirg: i eat like this, too. heartland food. gotta be thankful for the bounty and the harvest. gotta be thankful to Thanos and his fat twitter-fingers.
Laertus: okay, this film. made me an atheist.
Laertus: this film is FUCKING FUNNY. there's a lot of stupid movies out there that are fart-funny, this is FUCKING FUNNY. i mean the entire thing is FUCKING HILARIOUS. best comedy writing i've seen since SNL in the '80s.
Pete Davidson: i'm the real Joker. Joaquin PLAYS the Joker. the Joker IS me in real life...i mean picture me with clown makeup, right?...my lips are perfect for it...
Dirg: where do we start first, Larry?
Laertus: the dubbing. right? the voice dubbing. it's like a bad commercial. the whole film is rushed. the South African actors and actresses are speaking Afrikaans but their mouth-movements don't align and match the British vocal dub---both Englishes---everyone is speaking too fast. this entire film hits the Fast-Forward button for comedic effect and the button is stuck. reminds me of that toy-car commercial in the '80s with the spokesman who ran his mouth like an auctioneer on speed, the fastest voice ever recorded, the fastest talker.
Eye: i've known my share of fast-talkers in my time. i would have loved to hear the film in its original form of native Afrikaans. it's all ironic of course cos the language which stands out the most in this is the Bushman clicking. i make that same clicking sound when i make love to my hammer under the sheets.
Dirg: my vagina makes that clicking sound. Nixau…
President Obama: that's not me...
Laertus: not an anime name. an absolute STAR. a genuine natural beautiful human being. if only ALL actors could convey human existence like he did.
Dirg: dude got jipped of his hard-earned earnings and cash and money. by the success of this film he should be living large in the Hollywood Hills now. in a mansion with a thatch roof. but hey, just another day, right, blood? just another day in the black-man's experience in this world. i mean Nixau should be Kevin Hart now...i don't mean to specifically single out Kevin Hart like i did here but...
Laertus: no name-outs, this is a safe space. poor soul couldn't count past 20. he was so valuable, he couldn't go to school cos he was the only one keeping this specific tradition alive...speaks to the overall rigged education system in this world.
Dirg: that's the thing, that's it, they jipped him cos they knew he couldn't count past 20. he was worth 21 million dollars.
Laertus: the film is brilliant in the beginning, it's so true, modern man is ridiculous and values things like alarm clocks to wake up and go to a separate room not your bedroom to work. the Bushman are considered primitive but their society doesn't have a word for "ownership", think about that.
Laertus: it's weird with the sped-up film, like during the coup, shooting everyone at that Cabinet table, it's played for laughs. like speeding up the film discounts all the bloody permanent gun violence.
Dirg: just like the Democrats are trying to do speedily...
Laertus: what is this, Cantiflas? it does speak to the absurdity of all war. this film reinforced my everloving love and adoration of Coke.
Eye: when will Coke get with the times and put their drinks in paper bags?
Laertus: pollution. sad. back then in the '80s when there STILL WAS a chance to ACTUALLY save the planet. the Veld was so beautiful and green back then, not always brown. Sandra Prinsloo...
Eye: ...why didn't she break out? she's the Meryl Streep of South Africa but why isn't she the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streep?
Dirg: this is the greatest South African film of all time. which is disheartening, right? look i like Nixau as much as the next shrimp-barber, but they should have broken Nelson Mandela out of jail to play this part. Sandra was everyone's first jack, she was mine.
Dirg: oh hello Ms. Sandra Prinsloo. thank you so much for coming all this way to join us at our podcast...no sorry, the bathroom's locked, come back tomorrow...
Laertus: Sandra had an interracial kiss doing a stage play in Johannesburg which almost took down the country, shook it to her knees. she and her black-man costar were really acting out the same real scenario Uhura and Kirk went through. it just goes to my theory that it's the actresses who must become activists for a country to survive. change starts with goofy sex. taboos are just latent revolutions.
Dirg: Johannesburg or Tembisa? eh, probably Johannesburg.
Dirg: someone had sex with Goofy. use latex.
Eye: OMG that courtship was the clunkiest clumsiest cutest thing ever! when he tosses her in the drink and she gets soaking wet! throw your shoe at him, girl! the jeep/trying-to-open-the-gate scene will live in lore and caused a billion people to give up on brakes and walk everywhere, including me. and the scene when he bumbles into the classroom, that so reminded me of that exact scenario in Indecent Proposal with the laughing students. so beautiful is God's Window, so mysteriously misty, i want to die there.
Laertus: not by jumping tho, right? like as a concept.
Dirg: that God's Window pit is bottomless. you know jeeps are made by Satan, notice they only work in extreme heat and they have no doors. cars without doors are unnatural. i'm glad Nixau recognized his gods were white. and why did the revolutionary leader look like Pasqually from Chuck E Cheese?
Laertus: to build on last week, i only wanted one missing scene: i wanted Sandra and Nixau to fuck to complete the revolution.
Dirg: on a bed of elephant dung for the fetishists. i mean the naturalists.
at the con---the other convention---Madame Pons and Sue Su are setting up for the livestream at Colorado Springs.
Sue Su: okay we gotta make this quick. but it has to last long enough for the buy-ins and small-donors to get their money's worth. don't be afraid to show your face to the camera and show on your face that you're enjoying this.
Madame Pons: i'm a little nervous and nauseous and wary about all this. there's new and then there's crazy. i was never a voyeur before.
Sue: but you said it yourself, this isn't sex. it is but it's more like healing the circadian rhythms of a doomed world, setting them in harmonious balance again, people will watch you and learn how to be better people.
a man crawls in bed with Madame Pons speedily slipping under her the human sheet as he keeps his face from camera-view.
Madame Pons: OMG IT'S YOU!!!
Sue: SHHHHH! nobody can know it's ever him! the camera will be on you at all times. your frame in the frame.
Madame Pons: i have a muscular frame for a woman. oh well. here's to the muscle girls. all that NOT red meat. off with the kit!
she lets her lithe lilac gown go to the floor. Madame Pons climbs on top of the man and starts pounding from within. her chakras. her stomach muscles get a workout. she starts thrashing and her eyes close but not for long cos the customers don't like that. a lot of ahhs and aahs and breaths and Pons's eyes turn red as her chin.
Madame Pons: fuck. it's been too long.
the man tries his best to scoop her butt with both his hands, keeping her ass in a cage of his fingers in rhythm as she punches his heart with her fist.
Madame Pons: well, i am a madam after all...
at the other con, Dirg is a mess. Aubrey Black is the new Starbucks Girl at the Starbucks telephone-booth kiosk. she holds a lobster margarita in one hand and blows a kiss with the other. she holds a toothpick between her tongue:
Aubrey Black: i'm that other Black from New Zealand who isn't a brutish beefcake tatted-up-in-the-face male rugby player. when do I become the Red Power Ranger?
Dirg: gotta drink hella more Pink Drinks first, honey. with wasp honey.
Laertus: what now, buddy? where are you? *using an Inspector Gadget phone*
Dirg: i'm at Perdue Headquarters.
Laertus: oh shit really? it's gotten that bad and drastic!? look, buddy, drugs are never the answer!
Dirg: no, the chicken! the chicken sandwiches! headquartered here in San Francisco. i have a problem. I NEED CHICKEN SANDWICHES NOW!!!