Monday, May 13, 2019


i will NEVER UNDERSTAND this as long as i live to my eternal grave. i mean the Apple Macintosh REMAINS the cutest awesomest and best most-friendly warmest design a computer has EVER had. Steve Jobs is a genius for sure---he is Magneto after all---but it seems it wasn't until the ipad that the dude had a BREAKOUT HIT, at least globally and global-consciously.

i LOVED the original Mac, it spoke to me, and not just hello. it was my first friend, the compact design was not quite a cube, a cute cube. not quite a gray box like Nintendo, but just a pocket friend you could put in your pocket, someone to talk to when you were too square for society. this is where i had my first virgin conversation, the first time i played Oregon Trail, the first time i was ever in a non-meth lab. and that game where you fill up your mining cart with as much poundage of jewels as possible careful not to tip it over into the bottomless cavern below when the railroad tracks suddenly weren't finished, and then the seagull congratulates you with a squawk surfacing from the sea, remember that educational PC computer game?

1. what is the rudest thing you have ever done? placed a bet at a bar. never place a bet at a bar, and with another man. this man came up to me and we started jostling. about Embiid. i said i didn't like how Embiid carried himself and the other man called me racist. but i have to say after this round (not of drinks) i see Embiid completely differently now, i think he's cool, i LOVE a man who can cry in public.

2. what do you like more---being a leader or follower? why?

you know what Steve Jobs always said...something to the effect of...if you don't do your dreams, you're just working to make someone else's dreams come true.

i like Magneto, he's cool, so i'll be Magneto's follower.

and WHY THE HELL didn't the Nixie Watch catch on? right? you take one look at those things and are surprised and befuddled and dumbstruck that not EVERYONE in the world is wearing one of these fashionable trendy watches now. i mean this is indie hipster retro FOR THE MASSES. Woz really got the short end of the stick up the ass from Steve Jobs TWICE!

3. if you are single, what do you miss most about being a couple? if you are in a relationship, what do you miss most about being single?

i am eternally single, even when i'm in a relationship. forever my own thoughts. what i miss most? cereal. Fruity Lucky Charms, overkill cereal with the sugar, no need to create such a cereal really. but it was fun having that cereal with my baby, we'd get our tongues sticky-stuck to each other from all that extra sugar, it was sweet.

when i was single i was free. free to wear jeans in my studio apartment. free to worship My Lord And Savior Superman. free to laugh freely at dirty politically-incorrect jokes about cereal.

only single guys really get Seinfeld's jokes, you know?

4. if you could hack into any computer whose computer would you hack? see above.

i was gonna say Julian Assange's but...i'd need TONS AND TONS of John McAfee's special sauce---homemade from Belize---of virus-protection on that bad boy first, you know?

i wish BMO were my son. i'm sick of imaginary friends, i need to start a family...

that was the beauty of the Mac and all Apple products, the end-to-end, they are impossible to hack, not compatible with any other hardware or software, THAT's why you want to hack it all the more, to see what's inside (not Intel Xeon), you want to see if the Answer To Life is inside, the one Steve Jobs meditated on in his private zen tomato garden every morning before scooting to work on a lemon rainbow.

5. if you could shop for free at one store (brick n mortar, not online), what store would it be?

when i was a kid, my favorite store was Toys R Us. that was the place to buy my Nintendo video games, the gray cartridges with the railroad tracks. always very expensive, 60 bucks a pop. i could only get a new one, like, every four months, a quarter in the financial calendar. it was a magical place, the glass was magical and shiny, it was always that first counter of heavily-locked glass as you made your way from the glass sliding-door entrance. that was where i first laid eyes on the sidescroll concept of video games, where i first laid my eyes on a tv up top the shelf sample-playing Level 1-1 of Super Mario Bros. i've been hooked ever since that childlike gaze. later, Geoffrey the Giraffe harassed me online and started stalking me cos he said i stopped going to zoos to visit him in favor of GOT cons---which he read in the emails as goat---which was unfortunate. that's what i get for joining the fan club. see? brick n mortar is WAY BETTER than online.

also, Fedco. that was also a place to get my Nintendo video games. also 60 dollars a pop. that's where i got Contra. it was supposed to be for a sleepover but i ended up playing it all myself deep into the jungle night. always sold under that huge carpeted partition at the side of the store. and then i'd go to the elevated Thrifty-cone ice-cream parlor-and-pharmacy right at the edge where the glass sliding-doors exit was to celebrate the purchase. Sal a nice Italian man was there who always served me the little boy, think he felt sorry for me cos i was so weak and skinny. that's where i had my first pepperoni pizza and churro stick, heated awkwardly under a heat lamp and FILLED with grease and sugar, Sal got me hooked on the good stuff.

later Sal sent me a letter which was his letter to his boss. it read in part:

Dear Boss, Screw You. Middle Finger. work sucks. i hate working. i hate the concept of work.

love you, Sal, wherever you are.

BONUS: what is the biggest favor a friend has done for you? do you feel you must return the favor?

loved me. got me writing again. yes. i will marry her.


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