1. i want to repeat 6th Grade. not cos i flunked it or anything---in fact i got a 100 on it---but that was a turning point for me. Ms. Krause my 6th grade English teacher, who was really more suited for college freshmen with her icy demeanor, who was my first glorious encounter with true Wiccan magic, read all about it at my Instagram Stories...there's a lurid taboo affair and everything, it's juicy...
2. i want to lose 200 pounds. then i'd be off to the Dream World where i can finally get some work done...
3. i want to gain employment. but God said to me when i last prayed that the real work only starts once you reach Heaven. the one-sided conversation at the bodega streetcorner went something like this:
God: do you have insurance?
me: no. of course not. i'm an atheist artist.
God: i can sell you a policy that will be lifetime benefits. don't you trust my Alex Trebek mustache? okay how about the Alex Trebek beard? see you only know about lifetime benefits on Earth, that's a dearth! we're talking REAL lifetime benefits here in Heaven.
me: i'm hungry, will you buy my wine in a styrofoam cup at this bodega here?
God: you hungry? for the spirit? how bout i buy you all-you-can-eat mint-green pancakes at this burger joint IHOP.
me: all i can eat?
God: no, you. i don't eat anymore, it's disgusting. you realize what i just did to you? all you can eat...in Heaven...
4. i want to enjoy the finer things in life, but after Robin Leach died, there was just no point.
5. i want to savor salad dressing, salad dressing is the only thing that's savory anymore. and i want to savor that CNN Gilda Radner documentary i taped on New Year's Day. yeah i was KINDA busy on New Year's Day! just getting to my beloved Gilda now...i didn't erase it afterwards, i deliberately didn't watch the last five minutes, just so I'd have an excuse, so i'd always have that incentive never to be done with Gilda's story, to never let her light die, to never shut the lights out at a Gilda Club where laughter is the best medicine...the club in Seattle serves coffee rescued from the sea...she taught me that you have to dedicate your life to your craft, you can't do art for two months then move on to fencing...
6. i need more The Rock. i asked God about this the last time i saw Him:
me: what's the deal with The Rock? why'd you make him so perfect?
God: he's getting old, soon Momoa will replace him. like the whole Brady/Garoppolo transition was supposed to smooth, and then Kaepernick would replace St. Nick at Philly and Nick Foles would go to New England. but no, forces beyond my control fucked that all up.
me: is The Rock one of the Original Twelve Titans?
God: yes, he's getting so big i don't know if i can stop him anymore. Ellen DeGeneres is a fellow Female Titan, both are power-hungry and looking to replace their previous popular counterparts. The Rock with President and Ellen with Oprah, who will be President.
me: i'd do anything The Rock says. his chiseled smile is uncounterable.
God: that's why i'm fearful so of a coup of me. and that Ellen, you see that sinister smile she beams when she's game-show host. she likes messing with those contestants, those poor people hung up on bungee cords wondering if they're gonna fall, she enjoys that a little bit too much, it's slightly sadistic.
me: game show hosts have all the power.
God: i asked my brother Satan about it. he massaged my fears. Satan, what sayeth you?
Christian Bale: it's gonna be okay. trust me, i'm a Christian. inspiration is good. greed is good. power is necessary. status is not sinful. you like my triangular pointy beard?
BONUS: i will succeed in my Super Bowl picks. i need the money, papa needs a new pair of shoes...for mama...and a margarita for me, papa. St. Nick Foles with his magic and warm kind niceness has restored kids' belief in Santa Claus. i aked him once as i passed him in the hall:
me: *star music playing in the background* Nick Foles, you just won the Super Bowl! again! when everyone said you were ridged toast! what are you gonna do now?
Nick Foles: i'm going to...…!......hey who are you? you got a hall pass?
me: my media pass?
Nick Foles: that's not good in hallways! security! take him away! *points at his chest with his thumbs* you don't want this smoke!
please direct all further inquiries to my milk bowl, i have successfully turned myself into my own grandfather cat.
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