Friday, January 4, 2019

IT'S TOO COLD! MY FINGERS ARE FROZEN! I CAN'T PUSH THE BUTTON!


notes:

* non-holiday winter special...

* candy cane blowjob

* dad: no, red crayon......okay, a Putin missile...

* first there was the Tech Bubble, then the Housing Bubble, then there was the Apple Bubble...

* son: daddy, what are stars?
dad: stars no longer exist, son, those are cold Christmas trees. cold Christmas trees which are strategically covering up my reflection fail. i'm recording this with my Apple phone and the bubble reflection shows my exposed cock. i had to fit this in with a shower today.
son: that's okay, daddy, mommy's cock vibrator on the table is showing, too.

* girl: WINTER is cool (get it?) but i'm trapped under the skate pond here, isn't that more of a priority?

* Ultima Thule is already being called Snowman I

* God: is it true fish have no souls?
me, Phoenix: i thought that was they couldn't blink.
God: oh yeah, i'm confused. i think it's frozen fish have no souls.

* Bigfoot: hey Gloria.
Gloria: hey big guy.
Bigfoot: come on, i learned your name. make an effort, woman. cold one today.
Gloria: it's December.
Bigfoot: but it's not February. February is when it's really cold.
Gloria: so you're like Chewbacca but a talking arsehole, right? i'm gonna call you Cheeky Chewy. is that a styrofoam cup you're drinking out of?
Bigfoot: i'm not a cup connoisseur.
Gloria: yeah but you drink wine out of a styrofoam cup, only homeless people do that. i'm just wondering where's the Starbucks in these woods you got that from?
Bigfoot: i thought Starbucks was a green company then bam! there it was in my face, the styrofoam cups by the counter, i was like, whaaaaat? so ugly in white. at least bring back the red cups.
Gloria: that styrofoam's gonna be in the Earth forever. like your mom in me.
Bigfoot: let's ask Earth if he gives a fuck.
Earth: don't care. give me that tire to eat, i need three more and maybe then i can finally get out of here. the Earth's got bigger problems, *vomits* yeah, like the Glowing Ball from Big Trouble in Little China. and racism.
Gloria: so what happened to all the Christmas trees this year?
Earth: you're looking at them. i'm a big ugly Christmas tree with reindeer antlers, that's what happens. fires and mudslides, the training twins i call them. you two will be in me soon enough.
Bigfoot: how's my mom?
Earth: she's a tire.

* weatherman: hello, i'm The Nerd from Robot Chicken if he had an Asian father. or rather i am The Nerd's Asian father. i know you insist on tits and ass here, but i'm made out of thin paper, i'm a puppet. of corporate interests. the weather is controlled by the Government…
Government: that's enough of that, you're fired.
The Nerd: wait, stay woke, people! permanent winter...
Govt: yes it's permanent winter, but it's not permanent nuclear winter or anything...
The Nerd: i am so pissed i can only use one emoji!
Govt: you've been selected for this top-secret mission. cos you're the only one left. defeat the Big Bad and save the day! defeat the corporate interests. sidescroll through all the levels of all the failed video games offered at Adultswim.com Games. they were good games but we offered them all for free, that was our mistake.
The Nerd: can i use my big banana condom in battle?
Govt: that's a yellow umbrella.
The Nerd: suck on this!...……….weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!......i'm Mary Poppins, bitch!!!
Govt: S&P says you can't say "Mary Poppins", copyrighted.
The Nerd: since i control the weather, does that make me God?
Govt: no it makes you the Government.

* white wolf: winter is coming. no, it really is. i hate Game of Thrones, took too long to end. overstayed its welcome, the Red Wedding should have been the series finale.
white wolf: so as you can see, viewer, you're getting nauseous watching me jump up and attack my prey in a hole. when they splice the video nanosecond by nanosecond like this your senses don't have time to settle on the film so you start to experience disorientation and delusions, imagine how my prey feels.
white wolf: wouldn't it be more clever if i didn't jump up high first and announce myself like this? on the plus side, the frozen tundra is getting me excited for the NFL Playoffs. and the twigs all around the white landscape remind me of musical-notation notes on sheets. i caught a harmonica...

* man in bed: i need to close that window, it's letting in the mound of snow. what a draft! i was picked last in the NFL Draft and told to take my ball and go home. i'll catch my death! then again i have no dick so i'm already dead.
man: does it matter if i walk if i can already see my butt?
man: this is why Escher never exercised. all the stairs he drew were actually his exercise plan.
DON'T TOUCH THEM
man: what?
DON'T TOUCH THEM: your balls.
man: i won the marathon!
crowd: you cheated. you had your clones at the waystations with styrofoam cups of water.
man: cloning will finally render the Olympics useless. that's the one drug that can't be tested for.
man: icicles are only dangerous if they're on top of you. my eye is actually my ear and my ear is my eye. ready, Rudolph?
Rudolph: it's snowing and i'm sweating, that's how nervous i am.
Rudolph: so why didn't you want to be Santa this year, Santa?
man: ashamed of my lack of facial hair.

* me: blue balls streaking across the galaxy?
God: nothing to do with my insecurity. they're UFOs, that's all. blue indicates freezing temperatures. on a weather map and in space.
me: i thought there was no color in space.
God: let me put on my glasses, i can't hear you without my glasses.
me: and now we see a beautiful blue comet hurtling down.
God: that Elon Musk, he never learns.
me: what happened to our oceans, God?
God: they became one sea of runny ice cream swirl like Trump wanted. but this is Putin's work, his newest missiles' work, Putin simply attached his weapons to Elon underground subway trains. what Putin fears most is a popular Dinosaur Uprising. Putin hates that dinosaurs are more popular than him. Putin will convince the T-rex in the interrogation room that it has red hair and it stole a sensitive flash-drive even though the T-rex can't hold a flash-drive with its tiny arms.

* Gundam Unicorn opening. starry-eyed and beautiful with the wonderful music and hopeful startrail. not Melancholia, let's keep this positive while we can.

* God: amazing, isn't it!? wondrous! once-in-a-lifetime, i can say that, you can't. the ending of a cancer cell. and the beginning of a new one. the blood vessels in space feeding blood to healthify it. information superhighway at work.
me: and by cancer you mean...?
God: the universe.
me: why is it called a Spider Universe?
God: cos one day a spider will eat it. X-ray of the Big Bang in which you can see the Human Eye. no reflection fail there. way better technology than the iPhone X hence the sales slump.

* only people with blue eyes can see the whole of the universe. the rest need glasses to see Ultima Thule.

* swimming shark: i've always wanted to settle down and start a fireplace...

* robots: we are the new humans! what do we do for Christmas?
God: how about a firelog?
robots: great! we can watch the fire log for a thousand years! log about it! we see a face in the fire! strangely, a human face. is this fire real or synthetic? we can't feel any warmth.
God: you'd overheat if you really felt it.
robots: oh. so what's the point of our existence then?
God: God, not this again!

* gold squishy melty Pokemon blob attempting the final level of Pac-Man...

* God: don't read into it too much, that's just an ax. those are red rays of the sun but that's it.
robots: so we don't have taste? we wanted to eat our fire logs!
God: that's not the function of the KFC firelog. it was all going well when the licking flames looked like Rudolph's antlers but now they look like people.
robots: those are real people. real human souls are trapped in the flames! wait, are these OUR souls?!
God: um......you're just gonna have to wait till the next Ice Age...sorry, closed for business.
robots: we can wait...

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happy weekend, my babies. go get yourself that Super Bowl Philip Rivers





2 comments:

Jules said...

I met Styro Foam once at a street vending cook-off. He was tall and skinny and couldn’t stop moving around like he had ADHD or something. He wore an old faded t-shirt that smelt like age-old coffee that sported the slogan “I’ve had dwarves up to here” just at the bottom hem where it floated around his protruding hip bones. He was eating sushi out of a non-biodegradable container He said it was soul food. I gave him some star bucks but he said he couldn’t use them because it was foreign currency. I said, “Take a spoonful of sugar, pal. It helps the medicine go down,” and then I opened up my umbrella because it had started to rain even though it was winter and should have been snowing. Still, that’s global warming for you. Or, that guy who works in that government underground bunker near Bigfoot’s den who turns the weather dial on a whim had set the day to cry. I walked away and looked around but I couldn’t see much through the fog because I’ve got brown eyes. Still, the red glowing nose of Rudolph helped me find my way to the nearest KFC where I prayed to God that it would be clucking good. *)

the late phoenix said...

mah dahlin this is the opening scene of your new stage play which will crush Rent Live! in the ratings. bringin' Brecht back baby!!! Vanessa as Maureen? we'll see. you know I still remember Rent from my Pre-Crisis days, that was one of the few plays I got through, I still remember that Time song, it warmed me. and my Swatch Watch. those days at the Berkeley dorm, there was still so much hope back then...

big kisses *)