Monday, July 6, 2015


don't double-dip the chip with your whip.

1. do you believe in ESP? do you have those abilities? of course, reality isn't reality, perception is reality. if i did you better believe i'd be first in line to have my reality show patented.

2. do you laugh when someone tickles you? the only part of my body that is ticklish is my appendix...that's apparently what it was used for, not to digest the stones and rocks our early ancestors ate but to store laughs in the body. times back then were freer and more chuckleworthy. nowadays no one uses their appendix cos everyone is sad and depressed.

3. do you like teamwork? only if i'm in charge. i have to be the leader of the group. i have control issues. or to put it politely, i subscribe to the auteur model of artistry.

4. what one thing can you do today to make you feel productive? will you do it? get through lunch. i dunno, that salsa i had that didn't smell right is starting to swirl around my stomach and appendix. i was trying to turn a positive into a negative by using the tomatoes that were thrown at me on stage for good.

5. finish this phrase: hell hath no fury like...a writer unadorned (with awards for his work. the Nobel Committee still hasn't phoned me. i'm gonna check my instagram DMs later so there's still a glimmer of hope. y'know i'd take a National Book Award at this point.)

bonus: pick one: sex:
a) wild or mild: i like my sex like i like my salsa: unpredictable.
b) day or night: might
c) top or bottom: Nick Bottom
d) weekly or monthly: biweekly (now do i mean twice a week or every two weeks? *Muttley laugh* i'm such a scoundrel.)
e) noisy or silent: silent sex is impossible.

is the upset complete? did Anderson do it or did Djokovic come back? i don't know, i'm in the bathroom...


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