Monday, August 18, 2014


"you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug..."---Trent Reznor in "The Perfect Drug" and when he's at the drug store.

guys, i'm planning the perfect date with my special someone, my perfect drug. no, not Hell Dust, YOU, yes you, my girlfriend. i'm willing to do everything and go everywhere in one day, i have my schedule cleared of busywork just for this one day, so let's get it.

for each of the following, imagine a new place has opened up on your block. tell us whether or not you would attend, and would you go alone, with friends of the same gender, or with your significant other/lover:

1. sports bar: with my girlfriend and a bunch of guy friends, she says she loves them, but only if they show tennis, specifically that match between Sampras and Federer at Wimbledon that seemed to form an invisible link between the two eras. do not show any French Open finals except that one with Soderling and Fed's tears. Fed's tears cure cancer.

2. brew pub/beer hall: with my girlfriend and a bunch of her girlfriends, i love them all. i've never been to a bonafide authentic pub, i want to ring that little bell when the home team gets one in the back of the ol' onion bag. Tommy Smyth just left with all of my girlfriend's girlfriends...

3. wine festival: alone. i don't do alcohol, i just want to stomp the grapes barefoot the way Lucy did on I Love Lucy.

4. tanning salon: i'm goth...

5. sex/kink event: i'm not into all that fetish stuff at all. my already-skinny legs would look ridiculous in leather pants. however, i wouldn't mind going with my girlfriend to one of these things to get inspired with new ideas for future use in our bed, and of course the inevitable run-in with your high-school religion teacher whipping her new boy toy.

6. strip club: alone. that's not weird or anything, is it?

7. sex toy store: with my high-school religion teacher, she wants to buy a new whip, her old one is worn out.

8. upscale spa: by upscale, do you mean there are two sets of jets in the jacuzzi, one for relaxing in and one for that other thing?

9. adult sex education conference: alone. i want to study hard, ace the final exam, and surprise my girlfriend in the bedroom and when we talk afterwards, showing her how cultured and enlightened i am about various authors and theories and practices. sure, i first learned about sex by reading Mad Magazine, but i've grown since then, i've grown many inches, and i can now as a fine country gentleman of letters say with confidence that i do in fact subscribe to Playboy only for the articles.




Ashly Star said...

Wait, there are articles in Playboy? Who knew?! ;)

As always with you, this was a very amusing read. Xo

the late phoenix said...

Ashly: Mad Magazine folds in, Playboy folds out :)

Anonymous said...

I sang you are the perfect drug to a boyfriend while we were on a road trip. I thought I was being romantic. He said I should be certified crazy. :D

3. I will join you in grape stomping. I love that episode btw

4. 'nuff

5. or a run in with your priest in diapers...yeah, it happens.

8. giggle

Happy TMI everyday!


Jules said...

2: Come hither, sweet Phoenix, I can make this dream come true.*)

6: I don't know, is it?

8: So, what's the other one for?

9: Mind before matter. Only a smart student can master hieroglyphics.

WHY IS THERE NO BONUS? Oh yeah... a date with you is the bonus *)

AtiyaLuv said...

3. I will join you and H on the grape stomping!
5. *grins*
6. not at all, i meant to say alone I just didn't want to sound too greedy
7. why do i get the feeling that teacher is a lot more than what you lead us to believe?
8. lol

Happy TMI!!

the late phoenix said...

H: Trent is the sexy kind of crazy. when I was an altar boy, I looked with stars in my eyes at the carafes of church wine the priest would hold up during Mass. I became addicted to red vinegar shortly after...

Juli: I dunno, but the ladies are orgasmic when they tell me how wonderful the jacuzzi is, it's a jets-set life!

Atiya: confession: I'm her new boy toy.

the late phoenix said...

Juli: *)