i don't drink, but i'm still at the TMIT Bar ready for some cheesy pick-up lines. this is so exciting! i've never been picked up before, which is strange given i'm so skinny. this is how i would respond to the following lines thrown at me:
1. would you like to fake an orgasm with me tonight? sure, i'm an actor, my whole life is fake.
2. did you just fart? cos you're blowing me away. yes, my favorite food is Taco Bell. there's gonna be a lot of farting during our lovemaking. when we simultaneously orgasm, i might fart also, but know that i'm thinking of you, during the orgasm, not the fart.
3. you're hot. i'm ugly. let's make average babies. there are no average babies, all life is precious. do you believe in God?
4. i'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button. wait, what? i'm an alien? fuck me, that explains a lot.
5. you must work at Subway cos you just gave me a footlong. no. Jason Biggs was a Subway sandwich artist, now look at his twitter.
6. you look like a hard worker, i have an opening you can fill. me, too. my mangina. i'm Old Gregg.
7. i don't feel good, i think i need a shot of penis-illin. you have a sore throat you say? chicken soup works for me.
8. if i told you i worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package? okay, but here are the rules in bed: you can't take off my UPS brown-uniform shorts.
bonus: belly up to the bar. what's your pleasure? which one drink would you order and why?:
Slippery Nipple, After Sex, Leg Spreader, All Night Long, Sloe Comfortable Screw
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why? because the world would be a better place if cops twirled their batons instead of using them on people.
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