THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: OUR DAY AT LEGENDS

 

Jen R: it's giving me a giant blocky grey face. this man must be sick.

me: the Mirror? no that's Olmec. you know, from Legends of the Hidden Temple?

Jen: i never watched the adult version.

me: yeah that was atrocious.

Jen: let's go. i've always wanted to play this game. be on a game show as it was taping, you know?

me: and i've always wanted to be on a team with you!!!

we're the Purple Parrots.

Jen: so Vaporwave. i love these matching T-shirts. this T-shirt is bigger than my whole frame.

Kirk Fogg: shut the fuck up, children, and let Olmec talk.

Jen: you know now that i see Olmec up close, he is VERY HANDSOME!!! those big lips are to die for. tall, dark as in stone, and handsome. yeah it makes sense now, Olmec wouldn't get sick from a local native disease, he'd be immune to such village flus.

Olmec: when Kirk gives the signal, cross the moat...

Jen picks me up, plops me on her head, and walks on water.

Jen: fuck the rope bridge, you know? are we first? i'm stronger than i look, than my small frame would indicate.

me: you're stronger than me, both meanings.

Tulisha: i can't write my anime writeups without my boba coffee. my name means "to write..."

Zorba the Greek.

Basil: i'm basic? i shall be your witness, madam. and i shall grow my Amish mustache.

rosewater: aftershave, not pink wine.

Widow: do you know who my husband was? Jack Klugman. you are vicious, i need a man, not a boy. hey but don't kill yourself over this, kid, you're more suited to Madame Hortense, that's all.

boy: the Widow has taken up with someone who's not me? i don't care, i got my Solitaire, it's a great card game, i'm already a NEET!!!

Basil: don't say she's beautiful when she cries, don't say she's beautiful when she cries...

Basil: please, i don't want to fuck you, i just want you to be my mommy.

Widow: what's with the rocks with your fists behind my bare back? 

Basil: Boy Scouts, how to tie a knot.

Sourdough Boy: we all could have group-laughed and let this thing go.

village: we're one of those provincial villages, worse than a small town in the USA, not a good place for women. 

Zorba: i paint my hair green. i know not why.

Anthony Quinn: now you see why i didn't win the Oscar, the Academy couldn't reward this Zorba character!!!

stoned to death: not Old Testament village justice, just grotesque mob violence.

Basil: Zorba and i COULD have carried the Widow away to safety, shielding her, never letting go of her hand until we stashed her into a ship bound for England...

Zorba: hey let's all go to Hawaii, there's already a zipline there.

bonbonniere: that thing you get at prom.........if you're lucky...

God: where are we gonna find a priest on a Greek island?!!! 

Vicky: oh my god, this is the view i have with Jack Tripper in the Three's a Crowd intro!!!

Madame Hortense: candle-cupping on my back?

Zorba: it's a sex thing.

Madame Hortense: kissing the suction-cup circle mark is kinda grossly kinky. get these old nag hags in the black veils off my door, they're CREEPY!!!

LOOT THE DEAD!!! and don't forget the Dorothy slippers.

Zorba: i'll just take her parrot here, maybe it's a magic parrot that will teach me how to fly so i can blow this popsicle stand and go to New York City. she won't have a funeral, she gave the Crip sign with her fingers.

Zorba: i'm gonna use this rifle to shoot at the zipping log. just for fun.

Walt Disney: and THAT is exactly what happened to Splash Mountain, too.

Basil: KFC? really?

Zorba: okay, where is Shirley Valentine on this island? she was the only woman i could never conquer...

Kirk Fogg: time for the Steps of Knowledge.

Olmec: The Tale of Christopher Columbus's Turkey Leg...

Jen R: oh can i do the funny voices?

Kirk: dude, let Olmec tell the story!!! 

Jen: it's just, it's always weird how ALL of the artifacts SOMEHOW end up in Olmec's temple. how exactly does that happen?

Carmel: the best part is the tiny church bell...

Jen: all these Temple Games are just recycled from American Gladiators.

me: remember American Gladiators for Kids?

Kirk: THEY stole from US!!!

Indiana Jones: come on, GIANT grey balls?

Zoe Saldana: every woman has a man who's Blond Rambo...

State Fair: not for corndogs. not even at home.

vegetables: best when dried...

Spider-Man: i have a spitting problem.

NYC in the '70s: it wasn't Son of Sam, it was Mr. Kotter!!!

4PM: the time when you do 4 things at once...

cats: don't dress us in silly outfits. just don't.

polite poverty: because Teddy Ruxpin is scared of bears...

spaghetti all'assassina: the spaghetti of Assassin's Creed. you'd think this would be a quick spaghetti, because assassins have to be quick with the kill, but it actually takes LONGER to make.

St. Francis of Assisi: contrary to popular myth, i was never an assassin.

fried spaghetti: is it really worth it?...

Rexall: not recall, our drugs are fine.

June Squibb: 95 years old, lucid mind that learns lines and acts dramatically, in line for her first Oscar, no nudity, i think we can bypass the 5 and anoint her a Golden Girl Immortal.

Tron: Ares: humanity is over.

Jordan Catalano: not yet...

Angela Chase: what?

Jordan: i mean, never, never, the human will and spirit and all that.

Angela: can you read in the future?

Jordan: you don't need to read in the future, everyone's a beam of light.

The Smashing Machine: finally the Smashing Pumpkins/Rage Against the Machine collab album the fans have been clamoring for.

Raul De Molina: all i care about is what celebrities eat.

how to stop war?: the generals are too serious to grapple with that question and offer an easy solution...

Fat Bear: can i join the Army?...

Clarissa Molina: yeah i'm only allowed to do this rinky-dink little interview show on YouTube because of the way Raul De Molina pronounces my name...

Bjork: demons are slippery little devils, they are the unnamed.

Kirk: Temple Run time, kill me now.

Olmec: yes, the Turkey Leg of Christopher Columbus, you COULD take the route of...

Jen: hey Olmec, how do blowjobs work with you?

Kirk: DUDE, can you not TALK OVER Olmec?!!! it just screws up the show and leaves the audience confused.

Olmec: i need Systane for my red eyes. artificial tears are better than no tears at all.

Jen goes first. she gets lost in the Quicksand Bog.

Kirk: i TOLD you that really happens to people!!!

i wait for her for four hours. she never reappears. dejected, i go back to the motel Nick put us up in.

the next day EARLY morning i receive a call from Jen on the motel phone:

Jen R: where are you? i've been waiting for four hours. did you get lost?

me: i am so happy to hear your comforting voice. 

Jen: did we win the Bermuda trip? with the blue tennis courts? the world music on steelpan in the lobby through the lobby reeds?

me: no it's the Best Western Pink Shell. the Young Travelers' Club. you were supposed to make me finally like Florida.

Jen: just as well, the reason i came down here was to visit my mom in Fort Myers.