TEXTING WITH HUSBANDS: STRENGTHENING A MARRIAGE

 

Jen R: i'd like to thank you.

me: for what?

Jen: my husband read your secret texts to me and thought i was having an affair. that really gave him an AHA MOMENT. he brutally realized his life would be nothing without me.

me: same.

Jen: so he buckled down and got right with me. he altered his behavior and became less annoying so i'd stay. no more laundry instead of family day. you strengthened our marriage!!!

me: not my intention.........but you know what? anything that makes you happy makes me happy. did you ever retrieve your phone back from your daughter after she read my secret sus texts to you?

Jen: oh no, that thing is at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean getting eaten by riptides.

Jen R: you have to look at it differently.

me: but i'm so fucking tired. 

Jen: you really don't have it that bad. in fact your job is pretty cushy.

me: my mom is a crazy old woman.

Jen: but she doesn't have cancer. she's just old. the medicine is just a couple of bloodflow pills and an oatmeal Tony Hawk statin. 

me: i gotta make her three meals a day.

Jen: aren't you training to become a chef? by watching only PBS cooking shows? so you can taste Leslie Sbrocco's tits as the diploma?

me: now that's a party school.

Jen: school is not meant to be fun. neither is being a son.

me: i'm stuck at home all day.

Jen: you pay no rent. so one day you'll get the balls to be in Rent.

Jackie Fitzgerald: i mean last year at this time i was driving your mom to CVS with Falkor my Anatolian Shepherd Dog in tow, his head so big it needed to pop out the hood window. i wore a kangol last year. to go from that to where i am now where i have Blond Rambo and i'm wearing perfumed jeans, pencil pink eyeliner, and thin pink lips, is a MIRACULOUS reversal of fortune.

Julia Child: okay to get me back for the ladle thwack, you can slap me, young man.

me: i wouldn't know where to begin. or where on your body.

Julia: let's play Red Hands. 

we play the children's playground slapping-palms game but i can't keep up, she's just so quick.

Julia: slap dem palms as you recite Psalms.

Julia: do you know how i keep my hands from getting red? coat them in flour...

i see Julia Child meditative by the pond by her kitchen. she wears nothing but a blue pajama.

Julia Child with eyes closed: don't Ozempic. lose weight the natural way, eat with your nondominant hand, you'll eat less. unless your nondominant hand is the size of an oven mitt like mine...

supporting the Wall: not the same as the Heal The Scene support wall in the youtube comments...

Eloise Mumford: i'm an American with a British name...

Jen R: do you know why your life never got off the ground?

me: i tried everything. i went everywhere. i read all the things. i made all the money. i did all the jobs. the mob jobs and the NON-mob jobs. 

Jen: YOU NEVER WENT ON A DATE!!! you have to go on a fucking date!!! your life won't START until you go on a date. that's when all the machinery will slowly start to spin.

me: friends aren't enough?

Jen: the only friend that matters is the friend who becomes your date. and whatever you do, don't marry yourself.

the Mark Hoppus/Melissa Joan Hart date.

Melissa Joan Hart: do you know Clarissa Molina? she's a puta. she stole my name.

Mark Hoppus: i don't watch much kids' TV. i'm naked onstage most nights.

Melissa: hopped up. do you support our Military?

Mark: i'm into midgets on the beach.

dire wolf: do the dodo first...

Fruit and Flowers: give him his flowers.

Dave Gahan: ...

The Masters: a tradition unlike any other. the ass nine of the golf course has the best holes to fill. there's a lot of grass there. like the sex you have with the Green Jacket on.

Chad: it wasn't my decision, Melissa Maker dumped me. sometimes it isn't up to you in life, you're gonna learn that, young pup.

me: life is scary.

wearing a morningsuit whilst playing golf on the golf course: it's not a swing aid. this is how your Old Spice grandpa dressed, you have to have fitting clothes, that's more important than your swing. balloon pants, wool vest, and a tam o'shanter. and 11 socks on each foot.

Vanilla Ice: i play golf shirtless in baggy jeans.

Rory McIlroy: you didn't know i had freckles...

Geraldo Rivera: i FINALLY came to my senses...

Michael Weiss: of course everyone on Instagram looks haggard, do you know what they've been through in their lives?

Mardith: you make me laugh.

Dirg: in a mocking way?

Mardith: in a therapeutic way. you gotta chill, bro.  

Dirg: you said i was a moron who likes to burn.

Mardith: no i said i liked your maroon blazer.

Jen R: i'm loving the Lemonheads Ropes, for as you know, i'm eternally into Evan Dando. and i like it rough. choking and stuff. 

me: Lemonheads are SCARILY tart. like there's more salt than sugar in them.

Vaporwave VersaTeller: purple neon frame around the ATM at night in the foggy rain...

Harrison Ford: that coffee cup has chili in it...

Jack W. Tweeg: if you want me to villain Teddy Ruxpin i need my Social Security check...

Weezer: see? just going on Sesame Street doesn't remove the curse. we still had our tattoos.

MSNBC Today Moms: ...

Jillian Barberie: it's just, when you marry a porn star, you're gonna get stuff like this. right, Steve?

Dorothy Lucey: i'm the Catholic PTA mom you had a crush on. Nash builds bridges...

Cookie Monster: buy the dip. i don't dip the cookie to make it moist, i eat the cookie raw. notice how you never see me drinking milk with the cookies. i'm lactose intolerant.

Fred Couples: i won The Masters.........in 2025.

Rory McIlroy: *Irish-goodbye sigh* you win.

Dennis Quaid: what happens when we die? we all go to that BIG-ASS slab of quarry rock in Breaking Away...

Camino de Santiago: where Carmen Sandiego is...

Page Turner: i should have been a librarian.

Jen R: ...

Jen R: HGTV is boring.

Roseanne: i'm coming back for The Conners series finale, baby!!!

pickleball: giant table tennis. pickleball is for pensioners. pickleball will become an Olympic sport before it becomes a sport...

Ralph Waldo Emerson: Transcendentalism CURES Existentialism.

Jesus from the Red Dwarf "Lemons" episode: ...

RFK: the strange smell emanating from the Kennedy Center during National Jazzcat Day was my son.

Washed Out, Jen Reynolds's husband: do you at least like my music? all bedroom music is Vaporwave, but not all Vaporwave is bedroom music...

me: i'm not having an affair with Jen.

Washed Out: but Jen is your soulmate, right?

me: yes.

Washed Out: i mean i'm reading ALL the texts you sent my wife and i gotta say, you just kinda seem like a crazy person...