SASKATOON SPA DAY: NECKROLL

 

Jen drives me to a taping of Flip Side at the Game Show Network studios.

Jen R: what a beautiful campus we're on!!!

me: please, don't use the word campus.

Jen R smoking a cigarette indoors: when i get bored i wander into the studio audiences of all these game shows taping here at the same time, they pay you $50 just to sit your butt down and shut up, that's more than i make over at my nail-salon gig. i'm smarter than ALL these contestants.

Jaleel White: everyone wants to fuck Urkel. look, we don't exactly have a budget here, this is Flip Side, if you don't win the $10,000 in the lightning round, you get one of my dressing-room TWIXs as a thanks for coming to Burbank.

Twix: twin sticks...

Julie Patzwald in the Flip Side studio audience: new name for a goth band: Twixt Twix.

me: so where in Canada is this spa located?

Melissa Maker: 6th and Euclid. everything in Canada is located on 6th and Euclid.

the first thing i notice are all the wood houses everywhere dotting the green landscape. everywhere on every hill a house made of the most gorgeous polished wood. mist hovers the sky.

me: if i play my cards right, my first first-date in a LONG-ass fucking time.

Melissa: you'll see all the hot jacuzzis carved into the natural rock of this big-ass wilderness mountain. you can only get from room to room by swimming underwater through long stone corridors, the doors are only underwater.

me: this is so Zelda!!!

Melissa: to get you used to the conditions, try on these mop shoes.

me: i'm sliding out-of-control on these mop shoes on the planks like i'm a girl in a Hayao Miyazaki movie on skis. 

Melissa: like riding a bike. you'll get used to this way of walking, it'll help you swim underwater. can you hold your breath for three hours? this is how i became a cleaning expert.

Lume Lady: why do i have to ride a bike in the commercial?...

me: can i borrow $100?

Melissa: here.

me: you see how easy that was?!!! why can't life be this easy? 

Crawdaddy: it takes hard work.

Melissa: oh hi, Crawdaddy. i'm single.

Crawdaddy emerges from his underwater bungalow swimming up to the surface in the nude.

Crawdaddy: i can hold my breath for three days. you have to to live in Malibu. Malibu isn't the rich, we're a community who left normal life behind for a beach life of spiritual enlightenment. waving at the waves. we are neighbors who help each other out. every single person in Malibu has bathed in my toilet. 

Courtney Love: except me.

me: i see. i'm a moron. i've done nothing. i just take.

Crawdaddy: we sacrifice for the surf. we sacrifice it ALL for the surf. my mini-refrigerator is your mini-refrigerator. i am the world's amigo. i lend a hand, not a pincer. i eat smoke. fire smoke, not pot smoke. i won my first X Games by doing a 2340 flip on my board at Jaws surf break at age 75. my win was so earthshaking it formed a giant tsunami. a tsunami of ocean protection known as the Surfrider Foundation.

Yamcha: how big are the Dragon Balls? the size of baseballs like the ones i still pitch...

Akira Toriyama: in the manga. in the anime they're the size of basketballs...

Dorothy from The Big O: it's not Dorothy, it's R. Dorothy. this show's theme song is a cross between They Might Be Giants and Phish, with The Greatest American Hero the music in the middle of each episode. that red ain't blood, it's gasoline!!! the enemy of the Megadeus looks like an '80s Norelco triple-shaver. 

Puzzle of a Downfall Child.

Faye Dunaway: i'm not a schizo, i just need to fuck Bud Cort.

Faye: why is this psychiatrist's office in an oil painting?

falsies: just be natural, you know?

don't be ugly: beauty sells.

photographer: your head is like a bowling ball.

Faye: i got into this business to play Fred Flintstone.

Dr. Robbins: this doesn't work as a comedy also, it should have just been a very serious drama about going crazy.

Faye: all men should look like Bob Ross. all women should look like Sarah Sherman.

Bob Ross: yeah sorry about the 4:30 AM calltime, Central Park is only empty at 4:30 AM...

Lou: i'm at fault...

Bob: are you attracted to me?

Faye: if i say yes will you leave me alone forever?

The President the cat: i was the first emotional-support cat...

Faye: it's bad luck when the pilot trips before flying.

Bob: don't worry, the pilot looks like Amelia Earhart, and her husband looks like Jean-Luc Picard, those are two pilots.

Jean-Luc Picard: i'm a flier. i fly high in the sky.

Faye: why would God punish you for being who you are? atheism makes perfect sense. atheism is the only way.

Ingmar Bergman: that's very me.

Link: Bach got me through Zelda dumping me.

me: will you live with me in a state of grace?

Jen R: THAT is the most beautiful marriage vow.

Mickey Mouse: i don't sleep...

Faye: i gotta get outta here.

Bob: where?

Faye: myself. here. being.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

black best friend: i'm not their black butler...

couples therapist: time for eyegazing. gaze at your partner's eyes for the hour so i get paid.

Chantal Kreviazuk: i giggle.

Raine Maida: this makes me uncomfortable.

couples therapist: if you were to eyegaze WHILE feeling your partner's heartbeat with the palm of your hand, that's medical CPR...

Chantal: joint art is not art about marijuana...

Raine: we're not singers, we're chansons.

Jen R: i look like Chantal Kreviazuk.

Steve Jobs: make music by the sunlight of a white mansion, not on an Apple computer.

Melissa: a Canadian couple who made it...

Chantal: yeah, Raine and i weathered the ice storms, both meanings...

Kurt Cobain: music is death.

Chantal on Moment Mountain: you are so dad uh dead.

Raine: that was Freudian. i am the Yoko in this relationship.

Kurt Cobain: okay BY FAR the best song on the Moon vs. Sun album is "Lowlight."

me: i've been meaning to ask you. you got a tattoo because of me.

Melissa: yeah.

me: the more i thought about it.........it's.........weird. you have this PERMANENT thing on your body because of me. i saw it but i STILL have no idea what it is. a cauliflower?

Melissa: it's a firework. you know, Fourth of July? because you're American.

me: it's on your bellybutton tho.

Melissa: you'll see.

me: so you're not with Chad anymore?

Melissa: just because Chad isn't it my latest post of Instagram photos of my beach vacation doesn't mean anything...

Amy Schumer: i hooked up with a fan. the fan was my husband.

Howard Stern: come on, the stories have got to be juicier than that. radio is dead again.

Madison Keys crying tears of joy: i've wanted this MY WHOLE LIFE.

Karolina Pliskova: okay but you're not even 30 yet, babe. i'm old. at least get a tattoo of me on your thigh or something so my almost doesn't get forgotten...

Dial soap: when you want to smell like a surgeon...

Mr. McFeely: new rule: mailboxes are for letters, not bills...

McGruff the Crime Dog: i had to steal your bike to prove a point...

Mister Rogers: the key to feeling better is to get OFF the medicine...

the French in Action prequel.

professor with the Albert Einstein BROWN hair: the only French phrase i need to learn is sous les paves, la plage...

Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Just Lust. because it turned out to be just lust...

Buzzcocks: ...

Wayne Rooney: why is every Premier League manager bald?...