THE MARIJUANA CHRISTMAS TREE: COCOTTE

 

Jen R and i are at Williams Sonoma.

me: you still work here?

Jen R: i'm not sure.

me: you gotta get me a Kurt Dutch Oven from here, it's a matter of sleep-dust importance.

Jen: Kurt Dutch Oven?

me: a Dutch Oven in the color of powder-blue like Kurt's electric guitar. i saw it in a dream. Kurt Cobain came to me in a dream, telling me to get THIS Dutch Oven HERE.

Kurt Cobain: actually my exact words to you were "Eat at Coco's Bakery." but granted it's hard to interpret dream speech in the moment.

Jen: and Coco's Bakery has gone out of business, that's how you know it was a dream.

we slide and sashay past the aisles, tickling ourselves on large brushy Williams Sonoma jungle thistles and knocking on all the hooked pewter one-egg pans like they were an island xylophone. 

Jen: people pack their Christmas gifts in packing peanuts. boring. 

me: you can't eat those peanuts.

Jen: instead pack the presents in POPCORN.

me: unpopped popcorn? popcorn kernels?

Jen: no, numbnuts, POPPED popcorn. it's fun, right? you can eat your mail instead of having to answer it. i'll get ya the Kurt Dutch Oven, i'll pack it in popcorn and ribbon and write the card having it come from Santa. so remember, SANTA gave you this gift. on New Year's when Santa comes to your house, knocks on your door, and punches you in the nuts with his black glove, you'll remember the reason why.

me: worth it, spaghetti and eggs in one pot!!! i fear no mortal man, Kurt is my shield, Kurt is my Jesus.

Santa Claus: JINGLE BALLS, MOTHERFUCKER. there are 3 North Poles on Earth, i have no fixed location, i have no home...

outside Williams Sonoma, Maude from Harold & Maude chats us up about our tree.

Maude from Harold & Maude: you lovebirds need help moving a tree? i'm an expert. i use my car. so your Christmas tree is a marijuana Christmas tree?

Jen: cannabis Christmas tree.

Maude: for Mary, right? Mary from Bethlehem baked. i know this because we went to college together, we were Radford roomies, saint sisters, that's why i'm always at church. she was the pot dealer to all the Roman soldiers on campus, that girl was always loaded, both meanings.

Mary: but i didn't come from wealth, i didn't come from heritage money, i earned my keep at the inn.

Roman Meal soldier on the bread-bag cover: big roMan on campus.

Maude: i saw Mary cut a tree down with her mind. you know i've triangulated the tree to such an extent that i now realize it's better to RENT a Christmas tree than to buy it...

we drive away with our smelly tree on top of our Pontiac held with twine on one side.

Jen: windows open, both reasons.

me: now don't you be smoking our Christmas tree before we get it home. User Not Found?

Jen: oh you know me, i'll always be using, so i'll always be around.

PG&E: rain is plain, wind is sin.

Mardith looking at her big tits: when a woman has a set, she's set for life.

me: i can't have a Christmas tree because of my cats.

Jen: because your cats will jump into the tree?

Talia the cat: no, because cats are atheists.

Jules Smith: Christmas crack.

Shaggy: i always wanted to try Christmas crack. and chocolate crack.

Scooby-Doo: me too. chocolate is poison to me tho.

Jules Smith: i'm British...

Mister Rogers: Mr. McFeely opens my mail. 

Mr. McFeely: don't give me bronze lip, jack. i'm not fooled by these fancy white LARGE envelopes with the bronze flap, silver trim, and gold pouch, it's still junk mail.

Chloe Fineman: i'm JUST at the age-limit cutoff line if i want to fuck Marcello Hernandez, you know?

Miss Scarlet on PBS: Female Doctor Who, take two...

Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club: the key is to be an outcast with no mental illness...

McDonald's: FOOLED YA!!! that wasn't a french fry at the bottom of the brown bag, that was a slivered onion.

Jen: that was a TERRIBLE surprise.

McDonald's: we redefined the brown bag lunch.

me: Christmas roast?

Jen: we're struggling through this week penniless to get to the spaghetti.

me: when?

Jen: Tuesday. it won't be Santa spaghetti, it'll be Scrooge spaghetti.

Trinity the cat: make it a hibernation heap of cat food, i'm a winter cat now...

Bambi: fuck Rudolph, i was the first reindeer.

winter duck pond: think about it...

Arthur Agee Jr.: yep that's me on the Golden State Warriors...

Christina Ruffini: i'm Hillary Clinton in her law-school days.

Hillary Clinton: imagine me as an MSNBC anchor...

Liquid Sky.

Melissa Maker: has that Blue Sunshine vibe.

cell: mitosis.

at the Mighty Boosh pre-electronica club.

Margaret, the robot-paint human anime girl: man or Seagull?

Jimmy: Seagull.

Margaret: are you a man or a woman?

Jimmy: i'm you.

Margaret: like one half of a Cocteau Twins.

Jimmy: androgyny means never having to say you're sorry.

Adrian: i'm Stephanie Mangano from Saturday Night Fever if she had stayed with Tony.

see? it's a Christmas movie.

Margaret: Kate McKinnon's gonna make it big on SNL someday. in the meantime Stevie Nicks stole her mirror-gypsy balletic dance moves from me. 

MC: at this club we don't drink diet soda, we drink styrofoam Maruchan soup cups.

Hayao Miyazaki doing the Liquid Sky anime poster: yeah but Japanese people don't do heroin.

Joan Severance: keep the galaxy drugs in the refrigerator, don't take any, we must be fresh for Red Shoe Diaries, those shots need a clear head, a clear mind, and a clear conscience. you gotta be COGENT when you're doing linereadings in an abandoned flower shop.

Zalman King: tho it is better to do the sex scenes while on steroids.

John Waters backstage: where's my pantograph mirror? places, people!!! let's see those Human League painted faces!!! chop chop, Kiefer Sutherland in the audience lookin' like Rich Uncle Pennybags in the '80s. stand up straight, Lady Gaga, you ain't famous yet, queen.

Cocteau: i'm still Cocteau, but i'm better Cocteau on Vanquish.

we all gather round the marijuana Christmas tree.

me: Capp? a holiday poem if you please?

Capp: i'm just back from City Lights Books in San Francisco. there was an earthquake DURING the litquake. Larry Ferlinghetti is so gone he doesn't feel earthquakes anymore, that is the state i wish to achieve.

Jen R: Christmas is over, buddy.

Capp: okay here goes: my blood is Coke / my white blood cells are Vanquish

Julie Patzwald: i've done something very goth-special for Christmas. 

Jen: Reese's chocolate Christmas trees?

Julie: no, Reese's chocolate bats.

Liam Neeson: the flying animal, not my flying cudgel.

Jen: Liam Neeson needs to play cricket. the soft sport, not the soft animal.

Julie: see? a Christmas tree is the perfect home for bats.

dad: son, have you noticed the special lucky-penny thing i did for you on this day? this Christmas day?

me: i did. thank you. i love you.

i give my dad a *ghost hug*

dad: today on Christmas if you go down to Safeway, which will be open, and cash all your coins, all those lucky pennies i've dropped on the streets for you all December month, that will all add up to $7.