Sir David Attenborough: i'm turning 200 today, and my video for Earth and all its inhabitants is up on YouTube. but nobody has watched the video. nobody has wished me a happy birthday.
the voice of Gaia: even though you're now officially a Titan. what was the nature of this video?
David: granted it wasn't a celebration, it was a global warning about global warming.
David takes a long hard sigh.
David: my lungs are a dry balloon. my bones are stone. ah, i don't know, the war is lost. no one wants to listen to an old man anymore. rattle on about the direness of action NOW.
Gaia: i don't get it, aren't the videos about doom zoomed to the top of the algorithm?
David: they'd much rather be entertained. be excited. i get it, there are much more cheery videos on YouTube. about how to bake a cake. about how to make homemade Froot Loops. i'm a relic. a has-been. a fossil. a pooper on their parade, peeing in their party 7 Up. have you ever seen an old man take a shit? it ain't pretty.
Gaia: what did you do when you were young, David? when you were a spry lad who didn't burden himself with the weight of the world, literally.
David: i was always a chubby child. so my mom enrolled me in dance class. not that ballet shit, REAL dance. rave dancing to gay electronica. i showed them, i lost 5 pounds. i was a demon on that dancefloor.
Gaia: picked up many birds?
David: i accidentally swatted a bat like Ginobili and the whole dancehall thought i was a goth. at that moment my brain clicked and i became an accidental conservationist.
David: here we are in all the SNOW and ICE Mother Earth has to offer. i am here alone on the frozen tundras of Greenland.
it's at THIS MOMENT that i cover Sir David's shoulders with my black fuzzy Mr. Kotter/ Mr. Serling pimp coat.
David: a little too hot for me, junior, next time choose a warm fleece.
me: i admire you more than any other living thing on this planet, more than the priests. i thought i'd have a go at cheering you up. it's just, you look so depressed out here in Greenland.
Jen R: and sad.
me: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!!!
Jen: i don't know. away. i think.
me: it's just, when you go radio-silent for a whole week, i'm thinking you ain't never coming back. i tried to do something to rouse you from your radio silence.
Jen: did the Greyhound stations in the '80s have radios?
stationmaster: Orient Express.
Jen: nice gesture. but you're now without your signature article of clothing. i'll give you a life hack.
me: i'd rather have a pro tip.
Jen: two sweaters. wear two sweaters. let me help you with that second sweater.
me: please touch my back. it's only fair what with all the backrubs i've given you.
Lindy Lenz does a few ice-skating twirls on the frozen pond.
Super Mario: when i drive to your house to collect the trash, that's the only visit to your house you get all year.
Talia the cat inside Bagel Bakery: i'm allowed in here because i'm cute. and i can eat as many poppyseeds as i want and not get baked.
hot coffee during winter: but you're drinking iced coffee in winter to save the battery on your Keurig machine.
Fievel Mousekewitz: i come to America not on the promise of Nacho Cheese Doritos, but on the promise of Cheddar Doritos.
Ralph Bakshi: hey that Fievel Mousekewitz is me in mouse form.
Bernie Sanders: the thing is, in THIS political climate, i actually COULD be elected President now...
Alvin, Simon, Theodore: why don't we have stripes down our backs?
Jackie L. Fitzgerald: i'm 70, i just want to have some good sex finally!!! the L stands for Loving.
Gunther: He-Man and Thundarr were both in chain gangs before they broke their chains and roamed free toward the magic.
Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are hiking up the Himalayas.
Roger Federer: snowy. you're wearing Bermuda shorts?
Rafael Nadal: these are my only clothes i've ever worn.
Roger: i was a good cold player. a good player in the cold. i come from Switzerland after all where it snows in summer.
Rafa: nobody remembers you were a tennis player, it was SO long ago.
Roger: i'm gonna start drinking that St. Bernard's tiny barrel of booze around his neck.
Jen R: don't call me honey, i know you don't mean it but it SOUNDS condescending.
me: only when we cosplay as Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Ms. Krause: you will fall in LOVE with compound sentences with lots of commas...
Hoop Dreams.
me: remember Casio calculators?
Lucio Rossi: remember when you could USE your calculator on a math test?!!! take me back to 1989!!!
William Gates and Arthur Agee: you study nihilism in your colleges, we LIVE nihilism on the mean streets of Chicago.
Bill Gates: i actually studied Gary Kildall in college.
Cabrini-Green and West Garfield Park: this ain't no TV show, this ain't no Good Times, this is REAL. we still laugh tho. we can still appreciate the pretty architecture of where we live.
dad: Princeton, Spike Lee, Dick Vitale, and Michael Weiss, those four will always bring hope even to the bleakest of life stations.
Taylor Swift: ready for all the Christmas sex we're gonna have his month?
Travis Kelce: i won't have the energy unless i take my updated covid and flu vaccines this cold season. NFL football doesn't tire me out the way you do.
David Bowie: why wasn't i in Fame (1980)?...
Mario: i would have made a good plumber if nothing else worked out.
Michael Weiss: Instagram said in order to forget someone you need to scroll one more time.
Darth Vader: Space Mountain in the snow is cool.
Walt Disney: now it's Hoth. the Star Wars Deal was the best business-savvy thing i ever did for Disney.
Talia the cat: don't call me a pipsqueak, i meow because the world really is coming to an end soon.
Roger Federer: the last time i skied my skis were wood tennis racquets.
Rafael Nadal: you retired a long time ago.
Dr. Robbins: i can't fix lifetime wear and tear...
Christmas tree: hey, don't flock me, snow isn't silver.
DoorDash: you want to remove an item from your DoorDash order?.........DON'T DO IT.
Melissa Maker: my pussy tastes like candied bacon.
Velvet: NOBODY watches 90-minute soap operas.
Murder on the Orient Express (1974).
Jen R: the Lindbergh baby?
me: trains are so romantic.
Jen: yeah, especially when that black smoke envelops the tiny bridge the train goes under.
Hercule Poirot: it's a herculean task to solve a murder. mysteries make my skin itch. i solved the last case, let David Suchet take over...
Jen: hey Hercule, i love your usual cocktail: one sip of a melted green-apple Jolly Rancher.
Poirot: keep on sucking. my mustache is a flavor ride.
American: see this gun, Mr. Ross Perot?
Poirot: fine, you shoot me and i solve my murder.
Anthony Perkins: i'm acting suspicious from Psycho. nothing to do with THIS film.
Trent Reznor wearing green shades: can we go back to the days when it was cool to have a valerian in your tiny snifter glass in the evening?
Richard Patrick: now it's two NoDoz in water to hide the caffeine pills from Zack.
Trent: people think you're Morrissey.
Monsieur Hercule Poirot: my mustache has his own sleeping mask.
Jacques Pepin: Tabasco-sauce cocktails, i invented those. Amber Moon? no, raw eggs are poisonous like my mushrooms.
Poirot: and then the victim used a washbasin like that first guy in Young Sherlock Holmes.
Haley Lu Richardson: was Louise Brooks really THIS snarky and bright-eyed?
Elizabeth McGovern: no, you just have one of those ANNOYING faces.
Michael Weiss: pro tip, pursue a girl on Instagram with just a few comments on her posts.
Mika Brzezinski: in my dream i'm interviewing Abraham Lincoln on MSNBC. i'm realizing that ol Abe was the last president who could actually do GREAT THINGS. because the system was less broken in those days. Abraham Lincoln speeches weren't speeches, they were passion plays.
Ms. Krause: capitalization is the bane of your existence.
$420 million box-office Thanksgiving weekend: the 420 is the green of 4/20 marijuana pot and the jackpot is Wicked green skin.
Pete Davidson: i sing the songs IN the theater. especially if it annoys the person next to me. i was on the hippie lettuce when i was watching Wicked, i sounded like Ariana Grande when i sang the songs.
Cynthia Erivo: if we're gonna be friends, Pete, i gotta have you cutting back on the bullshit. i hate Target.
Anthony Bourdain: i'm sorry but unalive is a corny word.
Gaia: as Quincy Jones would say, "do birds sound like flutes? no, it's the other way around. do drums sound like thunder? no, it's the other way around. all of our music sounds come from Nature."
David Attenborough: nobody cares about Nature anymore. wait, are you Quincy Jones?
Gaia: no, he's still too young.
Quincy Jones barefoot and shirtless on the ice: cargo pants are the best yoga pants. don't lose that New Order shirt on the ice, mama, it's precious to me. remember, it's not yoga until you can bend your body over from the front like a snapped pretzel stick. there's something special about 4/5 time, that rhythm aligns with the vibration of the universe. are you feeling these 4/5 waves?
David: when i DANCE, not this yoga shit.
Gaia: then dance, old timer.
David: right here on this frozen tundra?
Gaia: sure, i can take it.
David: do i need a zhuzh? i don't feel myself without my pink hair.
Gaia: nah, you're fine old and decrepit.
David begins dancing on the barren abandoned frozen tundra of Greenland alone by himself to the Erasure song "Oh l'amour." he spins around in triplicate and slamdances all over the icy land.
David: and i get dizzy at my age from just taking one step forward.
David: LOOK AT ME, PEOPLE!!! this is the LAST TIME i'll be able to do this on this Earth if the Earth keeps going the way it's going!!! we're headed for choppy waters, ALL choppy waters!!! everything's gonna CRACK soon!!!
David Attenborough singing as he sweatily dances: "Oh l'amour, what's a boy in love supposed to do? Oh l'amour, what the fuck am i supposed to do?..."
