Jen R and i are at the Southfield Mall.
Jen R: Naptown is really Sacramento, i've had some of my best sleeps on those park benches. THOSE parks are reclaiming the color orange with their leaves. i'm hungry.
me: you going on a hunger strike for 24 hours to fight your covid?
Jen: i forgot what it was, feed a fever? the covid void. the point is, please send me Taco Bell.
me: do you think i should continue with my therapy if it's stressing me out? why am i looking at random malls on Wikipedia? i have this insatiable impulse to CLICK on things for no reason.
Charlie Sheen: hotshotting? i should be nowhere NEAR a monster truck.
Timber Titans, Deadman's Curse, so these are Republican shows.
heli-logger: i voted for Bernie.
Jim Cantore: it's Deadman's CURVE, it's a show about Peyronie's disease.
Ear Horn: Ghost Pipe flowers, my newest spell powder. i used it to conjure all the organs in the Haunted Mansion ride.
Trent Reznor: it's better than Tang.
Mr. Sandman: it's an elixir which helps me sleep so i won't go to sleep from one of Mike Tyson's punches.
Mrs. Talbot: i'm old. but i ain't dead yet. you can't get rid of me THAT easily. i mean look what happened when it turned to the Mrs. Busta days!!!
Mr. Busta: remember me? i'm Paul but not handy with my hands. except to play my organ.
Bob Marley: where did all my pot smoke go?
Major Kusanagi: to ghost-pipe means when i fuck my girlfriend.
Alien Nation: i had no idea this was going to be a comedy.
Alien Nation "Eyewitness News".
me: this is exactly me when i lived alone in my studio apartment in Oakland, i had no idea Oakland was a beautiful city rich in vibrant art, i was cooped up in that apartment receiving strange VHS after strange VHS under the door.
The Outer Limits "Glyphic".
Robin Duke: it was always my dream all along to be the Canadian Fargo lady. thanks, Lorne Michaels, for crushing my dreams.
Tula: remember how ANGRY you got when you thought i had betrayed Ren and crew? that says more about YOU than me.
Ioz: i vow the oath By the blood of Ren. isn't that heartwarming? i'm already thinking of my fallen comrade THE SAME DAY i thought he had died.
Ren: i'm honored.
Jessica Walter: if i hadn't done THIS cartoon, i wouldn't have done THAT cartoon.
Niddler: now THAT's a bird.
Ren's father the king: notice how the 13 Treasures of Rule are shown as 13 plain stones. because the animators had no idea what they looked like yet. and would never be given the opportunity to show what they looked like.
Dona Gelsinger: i painted the original artwork for Clan of the Cave Bear.........THE BOOK!!!
Too Close For Comfort theme song: sounds strangely like the M*A*S*H theme.
Delsym: fuck Delsym, there's no Honey Delsym.
Bambi: i ain't carrying the virus, okay, buddy?
Leslie Sbrocco: we're all wearing leis but nobody's mentioning it on air. i guess it's Hawaii Week?
Ed Kenney: ...
Leslie: creepy captain continually touching everyone's shoulder is creepy. i'm getting off this Love Boat. i'm not on the dating app The League, i'm classier than that.
captain: i'm doing that to make everyone MORE comfortable in a stressful surrounding.
Super Mario: the recycling bin was so SMUSHED FULL of junk from when i threw Luigi off our timeshare in Indio and he became Wuigi.
recycling bin: i BELLOWED A BURP OF RELIEF when i was finally emptied.
Lucio: oh, only two rings from the spam call? i'll give it the two-finger flick-off the Sex Pistols made famous.
John Lydon: my image will be severely limited if you're not my Valentine with me in public. the public holding-of-hands. but fuck all that, i don't give a rat's ass about that shite, i just need you to love me again in private fulsomely.
Eye Luggage: The Big Sick and go.
Kumail Nanjiani: shoulda been called Sick Joke. or In Sickness and In Mental Health.
Laertus: this is the best romcom i've ever seen. i don't see a lot of romcoms because they're all the same, but this is the BEST one.
Kumail: this was WEIRD for me. as an actor. imagine playing YOURSELF as a character. but it's not really YOU, it's a fictionalized VERSION of you. so it's you but slightly off. it's easy to act as someone ELSE, but how do you ACT as YOURSELF? the whole experience was surreal and dank as fuck.
Jena Friedman: if we had kept Kumail on as a correspondent, i'd still have my Comedy Central show.
Kumail: adult swim is NOT the place for women's comedy.
Laertus: these kinds of movies are near and dear to my heart. because it's reality, you know? those "scenes" in the movie ACTUALLY HAPPENED in people's lives. this isn't a story, this is what actually happened. i have a soft spot for a meet-cute at a grocery store, there's just something MAGICAL about a grocery store.
Luke Russert: roaming through the aisles with your potential mate...
Tai: picking up gherkins.
Laertus: and when the lovers have a heartfelt confession on the steps of a Manhattan brownstone stoop, that's when the film REALLY kicks off, it's all about THAT scene when you're writing it.
Emily V. Gordon: imagine how Kumail and i felt as we were writing this, that's a lot of PRESSURE!!! we had to make sure these scenes were in fact true to our real lived-in lives. you look at a scene and go, "are they embellishing this for Hollywood? did it really go LIKE THAT, tho?" that's the curse, the pitfall, that's what all Hollywood movies are. this was US, you know? this was really us.
H.G Wells: maybe if i saw Elon Musk ride a bicycle i'd have more hope for the future of humankind...
Zoe Kazan: wait am i related to Lenny? is Lenny Kravitz my daddy? biologically i mean...
Kumail: so i drive an Uber but don't read too much into that. hey man, what is your desire when it comes to tunes?
Beck in back: so this takes place in 2007. play "Devils Haircut" coz THAT would be RETRO now then, see?
Aidy Bryant: BIG BABY AIDY!!! nobody in the audience is getting this.
Bo Burnham: i think i'm funnier in real life than in my set, my stuff is INCOMPREHENSIBLY SURREAL, you know?
Kumail: this is your name in Urdu.
Emily: all girls' names in any foreign language is Meg.
Kumail: there's no point explaining to people in America that you're from Pakistan. i might as well be from Greenland. i'm just another dirty foreigner. when will i be a dude?
Emily: and i'm a weirdo so we make the perfect match.
Dirg: whoa whoa whoa what the fuck. people still do this? they have sex on the first date as strangers barely having known each other for eight minutes? that's still a thing? people still do this?
Mardith: i was born in the wrong era.
Emily: i don't want you to see me take a shit.
Kumail: but i've already seen your naked body. all of it, there's no more mystery. you haven't seen MY naked body which is weird i grant you.
Emily: that's different, that was in the throes of passion. no one takes a shit in throes. no one poos passionately.
Emily: why did you become a stand-up comic?
Kumail: to pick up chicks. first impressions?
Emily: i thought you'd be more muscular. you're a skinny Indian boy!!! let's never see each other again.
Kumail: i can't do that!!! life would be too heartbreakingly DEPRESSING if it was like that!!!
Holly Hunter: so Emily V. Gordon's mother in real life is the NICEST woman you'd ever want to meet, a real sweetheart. i made her a bitch cuz i really wanted to go my own way with this, you know? i was feeling my acting legs, feeling my Stevie Nicks oats.
Stevie Nicks: cranberry juice is weird, it's not cherry juice but it's not grapefruit juice.
Ray Romano: for large stretches of this movie you thought i wasn't gonna tell ONE JOKE, huh. large chunks from the Pebble Beach golf course i stole. you thought i'd have a DEAD SERIOUS role like when Brad Garrett was on Law & Order: SVU.
Lorne Michaels: Kumail should do SNL.........wait HAS Kumail hosted SNL? i'm not sure...
sister: this make sense, Kumail comes from a funny family.
Kumail's mom: arranged marriage is about STABILITY AND SECURITY.
Kumail: i mean that is true, dating cold in this cold world is SCARY AS FUCK. look, family, i don't pray, i go downstairs to that damp basement, roll my prayer mat out, and Allah and i watch YouTube videos.
brother: we forgive you, brother. you did it for the nookie.
father: i mean watching YouTube videos IS a form of praying, when you see that naked man swan-dive into a frozen ice pond, that is prayer flagellation.
Dirg: holy shit these Pakistani women are hot as fuck!!! where do i meet THESE women?!!!
Mitra Jouhari: hey it's ME!!! yeah from Three Busy Debras. why didn't we get OUR Please Don't Destroy-like movie?
in the Clue tearoom.
Emily: so i used to be married. everyone was getting married at 18, you know how big cities are. we got divorced cuz there was no passion EVER from the start, no throes, it was weird like that. i think he was the wrong person, that's what it was.
Kumail: no problem, as long as there weren't any kids.
Emily: you know, when you say something the SECOND time, it sucks.
Emily: what are these mini-photos of women in a box? are you a stalker?
Kumail: no, i collect cigar boxes. and baseball cards. and Garbage Pail Kids cards.
Emily: we're done.
Kumail: please, i want to explore America more. i don't want to go back to Pakistan, Pakistan is boring. take me to the batting cages at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle.
Emily: okay, we watch Episode 2 of the '80s Knight Rider and that's it. couldn't be worse than the BORING-AS-FUCK Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
Jen: doesn't it suck when your lover HATES your treasured pop culture?
Kumail on the phone: so i had to sign on the dotted line or they would have pulled the plug. don't worry, it'll be like an Archer coma. Emily and i? we're kinda casual at the moment, like Mulder and Scully from Season 1.
David Duchovny: did we really need Seasons 10 and 11? "The Truth" was the PERFECT series finale. The X-Files sucked after Season 1...
Kumail: no, don't come here, North Carolina is too far away.
Ray Romano on the phone: hey Kumail, did i tell you the kangaroo joke i heard from Steve Irwin?
Ear Horn: sorry, dearies, this hospital does not treat goths. just kidding.
in the hospital rectory.
Kumail: we lost 19 of our best guys, said deadpan. i mean you gotta admit, for a 9/11 joke that one was hit OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK!!! you know it's good cuz it's TOO SOON FOREVER. even 6 years after the fact.
Gilbert Gottfried: tell me about it. i had less time than you.
Ray Romano: i mean Forrest Gump did have its flaws. too much running, i didn't care for all that running.
Boc: ...
at the Montreal audition.
Kumail: this is not comedy, this is real life. when it hits you it hits you, you care for a person who will be gone soon. no longer be with us. i can't believe this is happening to me, this is a sick joke, i meet my soulmate and she dies. think of this more like what i'm doing right now is Brechtian comedy.
Kumail: she could die.
Oscar the Grouch: we all die, man. hey you gotta give me credit, i never joined Wonder Showzen.
Holly Hunter: that scene were i heckle the heckler, that was based on something i did IN REAL LIFE where i heckled Roger Federer at the U.S. Open.
Roger Federer: she said i was a member of ISIS. she said she looked at my face and my personality and concluded i was in ISIS. i'll never forgive you, Holly.
still on '90s futons.
Ray Romano: i cheated on my wife. i knew it the MOMENT i finished on her, i felt disgusted.
Kumail: next time take a beat. take a step before you do anything drastic, don't finish, swallow your own cum and think about things.
Roger Federer: sorry but Holly Hunter deserves to be cheated on.
Emily in the hospital bed: you have no idea what i'm going through.
Kumail: yes i do, when covid hits in the future, i'm gonna get fucking SWOLE AND BUFF because that's the only way i keep sane cooped up in my room for two years!!!
female doctor: Emily has adult-onset Still's disease. we were giving her the wrong medicine for a misdiagnosis, that's on us, as doctors we screwed up. we were making her WORSE. the hospital accepts full 100% responsibility. do you want your recompense in check form?
me: let's just get to the happy ending of her recovering, her recovery, i can't do medical stuff anymore in my current climate, i don't want to be seeing wires and breathing tubes.
Dr. Vacc: don't you love when the patient is MIRACULOUSLY CURED!!! out of nowhere. that's always the unexpected best.
Emily: dude you're not funny.
Kumail: are you being serious right now?
Emily: i'm doing anti-comedy.
Kumail: phew.
Emily: this hospital yogurt taste like semen. right, daddy?
Ray Romano: that's too much, honey, that's too much.
Melissa Maker: wait are Canadian comedy festivals really that racist?...
Kumail: when you get dumped by Hollywood and your girlfriend, the only thing you can do is write and perform a one-man show at a local indie theatre in Chicago. all of us eventually do this, you WILL see a child's bedroom bed on stage with a TMNT poster on the imaginary wall and you're in the thick of it. what follows is a Pakistani history lesson that comes out funny.
me: see this is what I NEVER DID!!! this is what you're supposed to do, gather two like-minded friends, go down to Hollywood, and share a flat. you need fellow writers with you to share the burden and the struggle. you can't do this shit alone!!! you can't do projects alone!!! one of us in the group is BOUND to make it, these are the odds!!! i should have formed a husband/wife writing team with my dad to write sitcom scripts for Hollywood, HE's a partner, THAT's the dream...
Eye: awww that's sweet, when she says i've found him at the end at the NYC comedy club, that's a warm and fuzzy ending.
Emily: THIS MAN IS GREAT IN BED!!! but he's not funny. hey did you notice that i always had that friend who could never stick around? she always had to be somewhere ELSE...
at Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon's real-life Pakistani wedding ceremony.
Father Navin: and do you, Kal Penn.........sorry...
Kumail: talk about Devils Haircut, what is UP with that hair on my head?!!! i got a SHAGGY MOP for hair, i'm literally Pakistani Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.
Emily V. Gordon: okay what is pash? it's like a wet and sloppy kiss, right?
Kumail's brother: it's a white girl, forbidden fruit.
Kumail: it's the order form for Columbia House CDs.
me by the fire: TOMORROW i need good food to convalesce to when loved ones are far away. when loved ones are not near. she would enjoy the two cheeseburgers and i'd enjoy drinking the McDonald's Coke!!! that is WAY easier than making the Coke syrup MYSELF. you need star anise for that and nobody has star anise.
Martin Yan: it's fucking hard to find.
me: and you need seltzer.
Shecky Greene: they don't make seltzer anymore, seltzer is deader than vaudeville and me. g'night folks.
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