me: every time i watch the Oscars again i get reinvigorated all over again. that's the one thing i wanna do before i die. a short. you know? i want to make a short film. a nice and complicated theme wrapped up in ten minutes.
Jen R: may i help you with this dream?
me: i thought you'd never ask!!! it's gonna have to be just a short, you know? that's all i can afford. one neon camcorder and one vaporwave cassette tape. the Camcord Chromebook. i got no actors who will work for free.
Jen R: you mean you got no friends.
me: i got no billion-dollar channel conglomerate company who can funnel trillions of dollars into a movie project, who can pay the salaries of their 30,000 striking crew like they have on Saturday Night Live. i haven't the time nor the money nor the resources to make an independent film, those things are expensive. i got no computers nor fancy gadgets. i can't do the whole thing in AI.
Jen R: you DO have this CUTE PBS tote tho!!!
me: yes. whenever i stare at my empty PBS totebag i get inspired. i don't use this tote, i display it as a museum piece under glass, it's too precious to lose a thread at The Store. i want to make an Imagemakers short, a Film School Shorts short on PBS.
Jen R: i get the feeling I'M gonna end up playing ALL the female parts. what's it gonna be about?
me: i'm still thinking on that. why's everyone happy all of a sudden? there's nothing to be happy about!!! the wind's coming back!!! the winds are coming back!!! i heard that hollow vowel sound of a windstorm breezing though the palm trees again. brushing the sways of the fronds. i'm fighting the winds coming back!!! i'm fighting the return of the winds!!! there's no time left!!! the sound of violent wind rustling, that sound is my trigger, the wind is my Vietnam flashback.
Double Down from KFC: now THAT's an Irish supper!!!
Boris Becker from prison: just sayin, Iwa Swiatek, that would be a nice body to make love to.
Trinity: the tabby bag is not a replacement for my soft-stuffing lithe-linen carry-kennel to lug me around the airport till i get on board an airplane cos i need a shot from the vet, okay?
4-leaf clover: wait a minute, isn't 4 an unlucky number?...
letters: are there lowercase numbers?...
Nissan: we ring the bell when a truck sale gets made, like a cancer patient getting cured.
Modelo: look at those beautiful grainy powdery corn tortillas on the grill!!!!!!!!!.........do not attempt. do not attempt to make these delicious corn tortillas. don't burn your old spotty hand on the grill. no hand grillmarks. only if you're a special senora grandma with Aztec sparkles in her hair. do not attempt is the Modelo way.
me with a square over my eye with my four fingers: Brooke Trantor and Jeremy Allen White wearing nothing but an apron are in a bare scene like those Oscars Cams, you know, that cam that spins the newly-minted newly-won winning Oscar winner in a 360-degree photograph that whips around the two warm bodies in a cold circle.
Jen R: Extra. that show Extra. Access Hollywood or whatever. Mario Lopez.
me: both are completely naked and Brooke is opening herself up to Jeremy in a deep philosophical artistic way, by letting her arms go to expose her tits like pink flowers blooming from the chest of The Venus.
Brooke Trantor: cum all over my massive gigantic heavy swaying breasts. they're laid out for you on a silver platter, a tray, ready to shoot your White all over on them. i'm on my knees in heels, barrage my boobs with your beef. well done. well-done steak. i'll never be Broke Brooke again.
Jeremy Allen White, sweating beads of hot drops on his furrowed forehead not from working in a steamy kitchen all day: fuck.
Brooke Trantor: there you go, big boy. got glazed. i'm a mess. i am covered in a white that is not my wedding dress, my red heels healed you. forked fjords of frugal fun, my quivering tits are all sticky now which means my tits are all spongy now. like spongecake. shake that spongecake. slap that spongecake. the steam was me. i got a thing for cute Chicago chefs with curls.
Jeremy Allen White: i can use all those cum droplets dripping down off your breasts as pan drippings to make my indie steak sauce. could go on veal, too.
Brooke: there's no reduction here.
Jen R eyes closed with a massive deep heavy sigh: CUT. stop stop enough. ugh. i don't like your dream. a movie is NOT JUST the sex scene of the movie!!! the movie has to BE a movie, you know?!!!
me: the movie has to be a movie.
i put my pink baseball cap on backwards and contemplate that the rest of the timeframe, i think about things again.
Ulf Buck: i am what monks should have been...
Keith Haring: the first time you saw my art was in that LL Cool J "Around the Way Girl" music video...
Sharon Stone: okay so i also need to be in the next Austin Butler movie because i need money. because of the whole banking thing...
Modelo: being a bartender is like being in a war zone...
Tom Cruise: ...
Bryan Brown: it cost me my life...
The Worst Witch: we invented the overcast sky...
Ricky Martin: as a bartender on General Hospital i started the whole reggae Bob Marley dreads thing...
Doryce: dear, we're moving into the Dover Sun House!!!
Gladyce: we gotta build it again first, dear!!!
The Bear, the two brown and black bears from Northern Exposure, and all the polar bears from Lost are together in a pack quietly pacing through the one-horse town at 6 in the morning under an overcast sky. away. out of town in one minute.
me: i'm sorry. i am sorry for EVERYTHING. i am an idiot. this is why i need a guide through life.
Jen R: and this guide is invariably me?
me: yes.
Jen R: oh brother.
me: can i have a pink-grandma-sweater hug? only you know how to give me an antique hug. only you know how to hug antiquely.
Jen R: no hugs this week, hon, that's your punishment, so you think about it some more.
me: fair. as long as you don't leave. so what do YOU want to make the short about?
Jen R: well, i was thinking about the mysteries of a very specific special nebula...
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