me: are you monks or ninjas now?
monks wearing rosaries as belts: we're ninji. and Elvi.
me: i hear Jennifer Pizarro's voice ringing in my head as i dream in my sleep at the monastery. i have yet to have a lucid dream inside the monastery which is disappointing:
Jen Pizarro: if you have to choose between fame and love, choose love
Jen: you're just mad that all your soulmates live half a world away.
me: the universe is trying to tell me something. there are no soulmates in Big Sur, only surfers.
Jen: Big Sur surfers, huh, i never went for the musclemen.
Gladyce: leave a potter's cup of water overnight in the fridge. in the morning when that freezing water hits the back of your throat your old body will feel revitalized for centuries.
Doryce is seen massaging the cooked spaghetti, rolling it on her stomach.
Merlin: sup, i'm Merlin.
cat familars three: do you do any tricks?
Merlin: no. i'm Nic Cage's cat. i'm a Maine coon. i simply took the highway all the way down here.
Greykid: welcome.
Mlem: Nic's last name makes my hair stand on end.
Merlin: i got loved up by Nic Cage last night.
Blep: awww, that's sweet.
Merlin: no, Nic Cage thought i was his wife Riko...
Mlem and Blep: why do our cat treats smell like fish food?
Jillian Clare: Suzy Lu is my girl Friday. i watch her youtube videos on Friday nights...
at the monastery martial arts training ground.
Phoenix from Wulin Warriors: so apparently i'm the Elvis of this show...
David Bowie: i'm on the show, too.........as Owl.
Sean Schemmel: why the FUCK did i agree to do this show Wulin Warriors? i was Goku, man!!! i was fucking GOKU!!!
Jim Cantore: on my first day at The Weather Channel i was a bumbling fumbling spastic skinny beanpole of a kid weather nerd.
Jim Cantore: i was fucking Jimmy Olsen.
Walmart: no more wild goose chases
Michelangelo: beware the painter who only paints portraits of himself...
Gladyce: always choose the hardshell egg that is pointy and elongated like our noses...
Melbourne: i do professional sailing now. it is nuts. there's no set course, you CHOOSE which course you sail, the left circle or the right circle, it's crazy and complicated.
Codrus: if you're posting or receiving a text at 12 midnight, that's fucking time. the only thing that's on your mind at 12 midnight is fucking...
Dirg: it's not fair. women check each other's boobs all the time for awards-show and dance dresses. guys don't check each other's dicks.
Mardith: do you want to check my tits for ticks?
Dirg: for hair?
Mardith: nevermind, this torch burned all the hair off.
Dirg: what's the deal with Hollywood babes on a Saturday night at a lawn party featuring a shirtless dude twirling batons and fire-eating?...
Bhagadatta: bag a dadda
Doryce: yes please
Shenmue: Destinos in Taiwan...
lucuma: it's not what you think...
Lance Lear: Alpine Switchback? that's the adult beverage i always order at the Tour de France bar.
Butt: there's alcohol at the newly-roofed monastery bar...
Sheryl Crow: all i wanna do is have some fun but i'm leaving Las Vegas...
Keith Jarrett: i play piano with my cane now but you can't stop me. my next collab is with Bjork...
SNL: hey Lorne!!! go back to when you showed random audience members in the stands and put a tawdry caption in the chyron under them.
Codrus: i'm scared of mom. whenever i can't fix the Woody Woodpecker cuckoo clock cos it's not the C-batteries it's that the clock's just old, Fuerza glares at me like it's MY fault the clock's old!!!
Fuerza: *glowers*
Codrus: shit. i thought i was talking to Cotard!!!
Louise Lasser: you had no IDEA i had a butt like that, huh.
Louise Lasser: yeah on Mary Hartman Mary Hartman i only wore frumpy wife housedresses so you never saw my butt.
Dan Aykroyd: check out my forearm when i do the history-of-tv segment on the Louise Lasser SNL.
Louise Lasser: yeah that's my phone number...
Dan Aykroyd: why are you always touching your teeth with your fingers?
Louise Lasser: cos i don't brush my teeth...
Louise Lasser: wanna go see Welcome To The Dollhouse at a moviehouse in NYC that used to be a porn theatre with dirty sticky yellowed walls?
Albert Pujols: my wife's brain is okay now. as for my brain...
Made in Abyss: the spherical green treehouse surrounded by 360-degree green grass that's Nanachi's home is actually the face of Mitty...
Knebworth: we're the barn BEHIND Harry Potter. behind the Harry Potter barn. we did the Woodstock no one noticed. no, not Woodstock '90s, the other one. only knobs live here. Pink Floyd performed here and the band was so advanced of its audience they remained anonymous forever...Pink Floyd remained anonymous forever...
Doryce: babe why you eating hot soup on such a hot day!!!
Gladyce: it's hot out today? didn't notice. to me the weather is whatever the weather is on the tv show i'm watching. it's currently thunderstorms at the Masters...
Eye Luggage: Honeymoon in Vegas and go.
Nic Cage: hi.
Greykid, Mlem, and Blep: we LOVE Nic Cage!!!
Nic Cage: i'm not doing the face. i'm not doing the crazy eyes. on its face this script is pretty ordinary, pretty pedestrian, pretty standard. i mean the only thing that sets it apart are the Flying Elvises, right?
Flying Elvises: Flying Elvi.
Nic Cage: i love that my name is short, it's easy to type. what this script has instead is MY FACE. you know, the crazy face, the crazy eyes. i DEBUTED that face HERE!!! i offered my bosses my suggestion for what the title of this movie should have been:
If Leaving Las Vegas Were A Comedy
Nic Cage: right? i mean how is this movie a honeymoon if we get married at the END?...
Sarah Jessica Parker: how about that white dress i wore in this!!!
Mardith: i know, right? that white dress is ICONIC!!!
Nic Cage: i-con-Caan-Nic
Mardith: why can't you show it?
SJP: copyright. it was Marilyn Monroe's dress. plus i'm wearing it for Sex and the City. do you know who we got to replace Samantha for the second season of And Just Like That? David Duchovny.
Laertus wraps his shoulder around Sarah Jessica Parker's shoulder.
Laertus: honey, i just gotta say: the whole nose thing, i don't get it. i never got the whole nose thing, you are a beautiful woman. that's it. period. you're a beautiful woman.
Dirg: your nose is distracting but it's shielded covered up by that ridiculous mane of stringy hair you always wear. otherwise it'd be a picture frame. plus your tits. you know, your tits...
Andrew Bergman: i wrote this script not based on anything i experienced in my own life, i simply made the whole thing up OUT OF WHOLE CLOTH. do you know how difficult that is to do? all art is subconsciously autobiographical.
James Caan: i don't get my part. am i supposed to be a real gangster who's PRETENDING to be in dry cleaning or am i an unscrupulous dry-cleaners billionaire? at any rate this whole thing was a play, a making-fun-of, my Godfather ties. even in freaking Godfather i couldn't act too good...
Anne Bancroft: did you catch me in this? no? you know like James Caan, Lee Strasberg wasn't that great of an actor, nothing to write home about. fuck Secretariat, i'm the REAL MVP. i'm the real Triple Crown. i used the seduction techniques i learned on The Graduate to land Mel Brooks.
Pearl Miller: not the syrup. i was Lee's wife. i wasn't interested in him, he was a grouchy old tired man. i was Marilyn Monroe's acting coach and confidante, now THAT was interesting. i couldn't keep poor Marilyn away from John Belushi tho...
Ben Stein: you know when i talk in this long drawn-out boring annoying voice of mine i'm acting, right? my voice is actually pleasant in real life. i sound like Charlie Chaplin. i sound like like imagine the voice of Nic Cage if he were handsome...
Nic Cage on his mom's deathbed holding her withered strong hand: ma, you can't ask me not to marry. you can't ask me to honor that promise. life is meaningless without finding your soulmate.
ma: fuck the bitch, don't marry her. fuck the bitch instead of marrying her. you have to do this for me, son, i KNOW what marriage is like, i've LIVED marriage.
Nic Cage: what if i don't turn out to be like dad?
ma: you're HIS SON!!!
ma: i'm gonna be a cool character when they flesh me out for the musical of this. i don't die in the musical, i survive and live and remain your ever-present alive nag.
Nic Cage: ma was right, because i'm a private investigator i've soured on marriage, i have a dim view of marriage, all marriages end up with the guy with a blonde not his wife.
SJP: i teach special-needs kids at a NYC public school. i bribe the kids with many GameBoys...
Nic: you are a saint. but they're not special needs, they have autism which is natural...
Jim Carrey: take this vaccine shot that looks like a lollipop...
Nic Cage's client: Mike Tyson, my handsome wife with Tyson. you can tell this is 1992, The Champ is freshfaced and trouble-free Mike Tyson, everyone around the world LOVES Big Mike!!! well small Mike with big iron muscles. btw this is the biggest monologue i will EVER HAVE in my long storied illustrious career playing character actors.
Nic: what does my mug say?
Dr. Rick from Progressive: Dad Jokes Are Not Funny
Nic Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker in bed.
Nic: that was some good sex. do you like the mirror on the ceiling?
SJP: ceiling mirrors, that was so '90s, that was the SEXIEST thing you could do in the '90s. was that round butt you or me?
Nic: that was my head. i can't marry you, you're too good for me, you're empathic, empathetic, kind, warm, generous, and caring, all the things i'm not.
SJP: do you like me? i know you love me but do you like me?
Nic: not really no. it's just i have a thing for teachers, i MUST fuck teachers, you know?
SJP: why do you always have a dream of your mother vacuuming naked every time we make love?
Nic: i watched Working Girl one too many times...
Nic: Bally's? don't they make pinball machines?
Bally's: we make video games. arcade games. you don't like Double Dragon? you don't like Pac-Man? we are very sad and we are crying now.
Van Nuys Blvd: you'll always be OUR Bally's, your machines were the heart of our little softcore porn film.
James Caan: penthouse suite.
Monk: i prefer Playboy...
James Caan grabs Monk's balls menacingly.
James Caan: this is not gay.
Monk: sir you're grabbing my balls. there's no mystery here. i solved the mystery: it's you. you're hurting me.
James Caan: kid i know balls. big silver ones i used to play Rollerball with.
Johnny Sandwich: boss, i will betray La Famiglia for food. The Family is a feud but food is food. just putting that out there now. i will betray you for a sandwich. mister don.
James Caan: that's mister Caan. my dead wife looked EXACTLY like Sarah Jessica Parker, what are the odds! hey poolboy come here.
poolboy: want to soak up the sun like Sheryl Crow?
Caan: my wife died of skin cancer!!! that's very rude!!! don't you know the Ozone Layer's a thin sheet of tissue paper that's being ripped to shreds?!!!
poolboy: chaise?
Caan: don't chase, attract. get outta here before you lose an ear!
Johnny Sandwich: are you the first mob boss who's an environmentalist?
Caan: welcome to the card table! this is so Star Trek: The Next Generation! i'll even let you use this tea-stained ear-cornered copy of the Hoyle book i stole from the Las Vegas Public Library. Jerry Tarkanian is at the table cos, well, it's Las Vegas and UNLV just won.
Coach Tarkanian: call me The Shark. hey i already have my mob name!!!
Caan: adult beverage? what's your poison? scotch? whisky? Zima?
Nicolas Cage: i don't drink. i'm a teetotaler. i did this before it was cool in Hollywood.
Mr. Miyagi: you can have Asian Elvis impersonators singing Elvis songs. Elvis is universal.
Nic: 4 aces. natural. no wild cards, no Jokers.
Joaquin Phoenix looks at Nic Cage admiringly, smiling at him normally.
Joaquin Phoenix: you're my idol, man, i learned crazy from you.
Caan: 5 aces...
SJP: YOU TURNED ME INTO A TWO-BIT WHORE!!!
Nic: don't worry, when you do Sex and the City this same feature of yours will be regarded as female sexual freedom.
Nic Cage: HERE'S THE FACE!!! HERE'S WHERE I MAKE THE CRAZY-EYES FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY CAREER!!!
Nic: nice expansive white spacious sky room you have here. when is Mike Tyson coming to play its piano on its shaggy orange carpet?
Iron Mike Tyson: are the keys iron?...
Caan: want me to hang you by the ankles of my balcony like Vanilla Ice?
Nic: i don't get that reference but i'm playing Vanilla Ice in the first-ever Lifetime movie.
Caan: look, i just want to spend the weekend with your wife, no sex, i'm not handsome enough to be Robert Redford.
Nic: Indecent Proposal remains the dreamiest gauziest most surreal softcore romance of all time. i wrote that film with Big Bird.
Bruno Mars: that's me as a very little TINY TINY TINY snot-nosed kid singing an Elvis song. right? who knew that this little pipsqueak of a kid would grow up to be Bruno Fucking Mars!!! Las Vegas is for kids now!!!
SJP: wow.
Caan: i know, right? i bought all the islands of Hawaii. but i ain't no imperialist, i voted for Bill Clinton, okay?
Caan holds up the V sign with his fingers.
SJP: peace?
Caan: two dollars. he owed me two dollars.
SJP: wow. i am literally a two-bit whore.
Caan: look i'm not trying to gaslight you but i will steal you from him. i built an entire Jungle Cruise Disneyland ride on the waterfall lakes here so we can have our romantic canoe trip. i fell down a ravine to retrieve a yellow flower for you.
SJP: that's a no on the flower, yellow clashes with my beige cargo shorts. and that wasn't a ravine, that was a volcano, that's why you look weird wearing a T-shirt.
Caan: marry me. you've known me for one day. how many years have you known Nic Cage?
SJP: 13 years.
Caan: see?
Mr. Miyagi: why am i here? i'm not Hawaiian. i hate mahi mahi fish.
Nic: is this marsupial pee?
Mr. Miyagi: no it's lemonade with no sugar in it, you foreigners can't drink anything that's not loaded with sugar.
Nic: next time use pineapple juice, there's a lot of pineapples here.
Nic: while you're stalling me at least teach me some karate moves.
Mr. Miyagi: where you're going, karate won't help.
Nic: the county jail?
Laertus's dad: okay i just gotta say, THIS SCENE is the only time in this entire thing where i spontaneously organically LAUGHED OUT LOUD, when the first thing Nic encounters in jail is that big naked butt.
Nic: why would anybody LEAVE Hawaii? right? you're living in paradise, why don't you stay? why do you leave for a city on the mainland? there will be no place better than THIS place.
Mr. Miyagi: maybe cos their family isn't here? have you seen this mystic's hut? it's a shack. this mystic who eats white watermelon with black seeds.
Nic: why? why is it a shotgun shack?
Mr. Miyagi: he only got Everybody Loves Raymond...
Nic: Sally Molars, i need a favor.
Sally Molars: i'm a real dentist not a mob dentist who collects teeth. i perform 3 unnecessary root canals a day...
Nic: Sally? really? Sally a man's name?
Sally Molars: nobody makes fun of me...
Caan: go ahead, punch me in the balls.
SJP obliges and complies and punches him in the dick.
Caan: that hurt like the motherfucking dickens, but i don't wince cos i'm a tough guy. you can hurt my body but don't EVER disrespect me with your WORDS.
SJP: don't you DARE Will Smith me!!!
Caan: you're my Chris Rock, you're my woman, my human one-armed-bandit slot machine, i own you, i mean the mob owns you. you're a moll uh doll.
Rubikon hands Sarah Jessica Parker his number.
Rubikon: just in case you want to ditch the zero and get with the hero. i tried with Riko but...anyway i catered their wedding i don't care anymore!!!
Johnny Sandwich in the hotel kitchen.
Johnny Sandwich: i'm chasing someone, but i stopped for a bite of roll in French au-jus dipping brown sauce and hanging veiny meat without the roll.
Anthony Bourdain: it's okay, i said he could do it.
Takahashi: SAN JOSE SHOUTOTUT!!! never again will San Jose be this prominent in the minds of a global audience.
Nic: too many earthquakes here. i mean earthquakes in my brain. any flights out?
flight attendant: i'm Ben Stein. see? i'm a good actor.
Flying Elvi: we're the Flying Elvises!!! Utah chapter!!!
Mitt Romney as one of the Elvises: SIT DOWN YOU'RE HAVING TOO MUCH FUN!!! i can do this cos i have naturally Elvis hair!!!
Nic: is it the red wire or the blue wire?
Mitt Romney: both. that's why i lost the election. i know everybody loves Obama, but if you guys had let me win one there wouldn't be Bump now...
Elvis: this is RIDICULOUS!!! i would NEVER do such an inane thing as jump out of a plane!!! my heart couldn't take it!!! i'd die of a heart attack, the cholesterol from all the fried bananas and peanut-butter bacon would give me the runs while i was flying, i would become incontinent up there.
Sarah Jessica Parker ravenously kisses Nic Cage.
SJP: how were you able to land?
Nic: my Elvis suit is illuminated. i ate the sideburns is that okay? hey why are you trying out for Showgirls?
SJP: i'm actually gonna do nudity on screen for once...
Caan: nah. stop chasing. it's over. he won. he won the romance wars, you can't beat skydiving. in the sequel i'm gonna win Sarah Jessica Parker over, back over, by skydiving off a drone...
Takahashi: i'm just imagining how FUN it would be to do this musical. how fun it would be to WRITE this musical. how fun it would be to buy a ticket and be in the AUDIENCE for this musical. just a fun time all around for all. this movie is spaghetti and meatballs.
Dirg: that's your favorite noodle?
Nic: i did this musical but none of the landline phones ever worked...
Riko Shibata: i married Nic Cage in real life in Las Vegas. huh.
Sarah Jessica Parker: yeah and my husband doesn't have covid anymore, okay? it was just the flu. g'night folks.
in my cell Kristof sits me down on a Walmart box of hand-soap-for-taint bottles touching my shoulder as he talks me through my Dark Night of the Soul. he looks through my lying eyes. it's dark he can't see my face so it's difficult.
Kristof: do not be deceived. if you're living in nostalgia, you're refusing to accept that life is about change. change morphs and forms different changes. Obama changed the world but those 8 years of healing quickly gave way to a backlash that has permanently paralyzed the world. i'm in favor of Obama as Lifetime President. at least make him Pope or something. it's the change in hairsprays you have to make or you'll never achieve that Elvis pompadour. it's the loose change you slide in the slot to open the minibar...
Kristof: everything is changing all the time, you can't stop it.
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