The Pope has an announcement for P.S. 101:
The Pope: first of all you kids don't seem the least bit impressed that the very Pope is at your little rinkydink shindig school. i mean i could be ANYWHERE! secondly, i will be relinquishing my reigns over to Mary Magdalene come next calendar year...church year...whatever year something i dunno i'm outta here i'm done, done with this job it was too constricting even with my liberal interpretation. you will find me forever naked by a Cancun cave, vaya con adios!
Pat at the playground: i want to ask Gina out but i dunno.
Max Kellerman: you don't ask someone out at our age, you just play with them. there's no grade-school dating despite what Sweet Valley High implies.
Rosie O'Donnell: you don't make a move you simply ask her mom if your mom can carpool to McDonalds.
Pat: this is perfect! i will simply ask Gina out to the Pacific Grove forest McDonalds!.
Nancy Grace: see? this is why you never liked me for all those years...you were basically watching Fox News on HLN!
Benjamin Franklin: i see you have a poster of my jock-with-glasses visage at your small school, school for small people. well what they won't teach you at this little school is that i canceled the dinosaurs.
Jane Fonda: no one will ever see me naked again.
Tom Cruise: including me?
Jane Fonda: i had the best kiss of my life! at San Francisco of all places! i finally saw stars not from absinthe or astrology. i would have married James Franciscus but i thought he was a man of the cloth, i thought he was a monk.
Codrus: monks fuck, too.
Ellen DeGeneres: i mean is it technically a weed drink or pureed caesar salad if you're auditioning for the Sex and the City movie?
Gladyce to Doryce: new rule regarding Mardith's trash: keep all the messy sauce in the little circular plastic containers!!! that way you just chuck the entire full container in the trash, you don't have to empty them out and recycle everything.
Doryce: the worst is cleaning out the thick sauce out of those tiny grooves of the thin plastic container-lids.
Graham Chapman: back then i didn't need security after the show when i wore a United-States-flag speedo.
Beck Bennett: i would have fit in nicely with the caveman frat-boy asshole SNL of the '90s. except i'm a woke caveman.
Geico Caveman: me, too.
at The Weather Channel:
Stephanie Abrams: i married Omar in secret.........in Saudi Arabia cos it's the hottest place on Earth......a Sharknado was my maid of honor.
Stephanie Abrams: LOOK AT ALL THIS VIEW!!!!!!!!!!.........no not my ass.
Takahashi: Instagram is like a video game: you keep leveling up leveling up leveling up amassing more and more followers, defeating more and more koopas, saving more and more princes, until you accidentally buy Mark Zuckerberg's old castle.
Dirg: the only man's quiltbag i will ever carry is Jason A Quest.
Dirg: why does every commercial end with a dude in shorts petting a dog?
Michael Weiss watching Los Movies: on Instagram, sharing is caring.
Dirg: sharing is cringing.
Boc: i'm waiting for him.........in Inner London......i'm London weighting.
Terra Calaway: i love Terra Earth. my hipbone was the Missing Link, humans descended from dinosaurs. obviously my favorite song is "I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz.
Brooke Baldwin: ...gaping hole...*rereads papers* dammit John Berman!!!
Takahashi: i want Toonami to go full retro for a year and play nothing but every episode of Yu Yu Hakusho.
Madame Pons: the fact that Paula Cole never responded to my comment on her Instagram does NOT diminish my enjoyment of the This Fire album.........in fact it enhances it: i feel it now, the end of the "Tiger" song is Bette Midler's orgasm from Down and Out In Beverly Hills.
Dirg: sports shouldn't count unless there's fans.
Don Lemon: it was so bad in Chicago i had to move in with Billy Corgan.
Billy Corgan: yeah i frequented Mary Cadorette's restaurant Mary's Lamb, i was working on the lyrics to "XYU". it seems Cadorette DID learn a thing or two from Jack Tripper.
Pat Robertson: i better start making amends before it's too late.
Dirg: on my profile it says
podcastist
Columbus Circle: better to bike around than drive around.
Kyrie Irving: just go around.........even by boat.
Mel Kiper: i am not my dad. i am not scared of small fish, i'm looking at you, Don Knotts. my dad served us one boiled pepperoni every night.
Paris Hilton: yeah but at least i dodged the bullet and didn't marry Prince Andrew.
Laertus's dad: i had an idyllic '80s childhood, but then again maybe it was just cos i was a kid. i mean i'm sure being an adult during the '80s sucked.
Pat: i don't know, i'll never be Elena Cornaro Piscopia, you know?
Joe Piscopo: tell me about it, my family is ashamed i did SNL.
Terri Irwin: look, i'm just not into macho guys like Russell Crowe. but Russell insisted and physically strong-armed me.
Russell Crowe: it was a 9/11 Widow thing.
Dirg: the new Black Clover opening is BTS, huh.
Etika: the Attack on Titan episode that really deserved the 10 on imdb was the restaurant episode with the broken bottle and spleen-juice gas. dramatic tension trumps caveman action-scenes always.
Etika: notice how all the cadets on Attack on Titan are wearing gaiters now...
Honey Salvadori: one day i shall return to the homeland of all.
Dirg: hey does Ice Cube have to pay his whole salary to The Isley Brothers whenever "It Was A Good Day" comes on the radio?
Rubikon: no but J Dilla does.
Trudl Dubsky: Vallejo ain't just got a McDonalds and a Starbucks, its Symphony conquered the Nazis.
Boc: i'll be at the Elizabeth Taylor Adult Theater.........waiting.
Robert De Niro: i dated Stella McCartney in college you know.........it was just a fling back then but now i know i should have married her.
Eye Luggage: that's what young people do these days, they record their encounters with police and post them on their Instagram Stories. they're smart.
Madame Pons: life comes in waves always. you're feeling good you got your second shot then BANG a stupid U-turn rule brings the stupid cop.
Mardith: i'm keeping my ipod in my right tit inside my leotard bra while i work out.
Dirg: ipod?
Dirg: Joshua Jackson is living the dream.
Rubikon: bruh
Roger Federer: i like the special-dark Lindt.
Rubikon: of course you do, it tastes the best, we've known this since the beginning.
Tyzik: how do i advance beyond the lowest concentric circle of life?
Rubikon: you wanna go to the secret purple bellydance bar in UWS? you wanna board the fleet of danceboats that are always on those open bridge waters smoking grass as the sun goes down? you gotta date UP, sir!!!
Timothee Chalamet: i AM the Wonder Boy tho. i was born to play Spider-Man.
Fernando Valenzuela's father: i am papi. the padre. i look like Reagan but don't hold that against me.
Martin Yan: so i did Rice Rhapsody knowing i could explain it away to either side when i moved to San Francisco.
Sasha Grey: i was the original e-girl. i was an e-girl before there was a name for it. i was an e-girl before there were video games!!!
Madame Pons to Mardith: don't start selling your bathwater just cos you got bullied at school.
Mardith: for being a weird kid. for not having a clear mental state.
Madame Pons: for being a unique child.
Dirg: that's the devil's money! that money is all wet!
Mardith: a youtuber is like being on a date with all of your followers. everyone knows what she likes but she doesn't know what they like.
Codrus: oh that little sliver of a line on your Wikipedia page indicating 1 children that hardly registers to the eye but it means EVERYTHING to that human to have that one child, that one life.
Madame Pons: i've done the Gupna in my LUSH shoppe, it's very sobering and respectful of piercing and all the blood made me native and want to be vegan.
Dirg: i've done the Gunpla all my life hence my struggling status. i'm a loser but i know how to rage at the wind.
LeVar Burton: i see myself hosting Jeopardy.........i can see it with my visor.
Kurt Cobain: on Sundays i bequeath to Burquest with my ashen smoke. she's in a daze cos she found God. i light my candles for her, my fellow, enter your spirit quest, i am your psychopomp.
Lizzo: my superhero costume is a lime-green bodysuit. i am Captain America's PARTNER not sidekick. it looks like i'm drunk but i'm not, i'm just around Eric Andre a lot.
Mark Hapka: i wanted to be Jake Paul but i was too of the new age: New Age spiritual that is.
Eye Luggage: okay after all that we NEED am Uncle Grandpa/Family Guy crossover!
Cecily Strong: let's be honest, i'm gonna marry LeBron James.
Mardith: i ship it.
Dirg: i simp it.
Birdgirl: see? 3 is always the magic number. the third season is always the best and the third episode is always the best.
Mardith: you know how i know i've been concentrating all day?..........my can of Coke is still half-full at 11PM.
Silverchair: we're the only band in history to go on to be a legitimate respected force in rock music after having won a contest conducted by a mall.
Takahashi: life is ending one post at a time. lifeisendingonepostatatime...look at that closely, you'll notice the word gone in the word caterpillar.
Laertus: Centipede video-game memories...
Mardith: sexline is for sex lone.
Laertus: what does that even mean? a white spraypaint of USA pointing to the main water pipe of the city.
Rubikon: why would you REJECT Vanessa Bayer tucking you in in the new Casper commercial?
Laertus: he's carrying on as if nothing has happened. he just retains his old followers as before and carries on like nothing has changed.
Don Henley: no i will NOT play Jerry Falwell Jr!!! i'd rather play Joe Exotic.
Mister Rogers: thank you, i will be playing Carole Baskin's husband.
Bill Nye: THAT WAS MY ROLE!!! YOU STOLE IT!!!
Mister Rogers: for you YEARS before you build up to MY clout, you little pansy.
Dirg: i don't want to be the angry white man here. i'm not angry.........but i mean COME ON!!! they got rid of Cartoon Network for a bald naked cynical money grab!!!
Eye: they were running low on funds so they thought to themselves, what is the one channel people can't do without? as they stroked their chins.
Laertus: speaking of bald and naked, we don't even get new Uncle Grandpa from this deal?!!!
Uncle Grandpa: *scratching his chin* it's cos i'm not cynical, hope doesn't sell to children.
Madame Pons: we are NOT talking about bubble tea this week.
Dirg: is it just me or is it uncomfortable when the Iranian agony aunts are posting Guy Fawkes Anonymous masks on their Instagrams...
Madame Pons: introducing out newest line of creation by LUSH!:
Baphomet bath soaps! Bathomet!
Bump: general population...in prison...i mean in the vaccine.
Mardith: one day you're not gonna have time for Instagram anymore. you'll be too busy planning your honeymoon!
Madame Pons: and how long do you think that'll take?!
Mardith: one year minimum.
Madame Pons: i don't like the word ass. i don't like saying ass, i don't like writing ass.
Takahashi: if you keep stuffing blocky catalogues into the Treehouse mailbox, the mailbox will be crushed!
Codrus: *chuckling to himself looking at his nude calendar* i have my vaccine appointment today.
Cotard: why does your vaccine-needle drawing look like a cock spewing cum?
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Woody Allen: i was told to leave the premises of P.S. 101 and i did with a police escort, not a whore escort.
Jean Doumanian: i told you, Eddie! starring in Mighty Aphrodite instead of Woody would have made it an unstained lasting hit and legacy of a film.
Eddie Murphy: god! how many of these opportunities am i gonna miss?!!!
Helena Bonham Carter: for my next role i want a challenge. i'm gonna play Bill Belichick in the Lifetime movie...i'm gonna be called Bill Bellatrix.
Eye: Down and Out in Beverly Hills and go.
Dirg: Richard Dreyfuss, he references Close Encounters with the helicopter scene, that was pretty cool.
Bette Midler: oh Richard! time for me to bite, honey.
Richard Dreyfuss: what?
Bette Midler: more wine.
Bette Midler: i wanted to get with Little Richard on this set but the man would never stop chewing gum.
Dirg: sorry Divine Miss M, i know you can do everything but you were a bitch here.
Laertus: Whiteman, really?
Max Kellerman to Max Whiteman: you're gonna have a hard time here. I am the Max who rules this concrete. i rap you rock, there's a difference.
Evan Richards: not Dan Evans. Down And Out In Beverly Hills=DAOIBH=daoibh=otherwise known as Irish Christmas.
Evan Richards: i really screwed myself over with this shit. i was the only one of the film cast to join the tv cast.........and i was never heard from again. i probably should have noticed that i was the only one doing the tv show.
Rubikon: oh Tracy Nelson!!! OH. i fell in love with her all over again after watching this for the first time. i want her body. those eyes! those lips!
Paul Mazursky: congratulations to me. I, ME, i made Disney dirty, i made the first R-rated Disney film! that's what you get when you get a French expat arthouse chieftain to direct your little precious family-friendly Disney flick. it's about a family alright, a family of freaks!
Jean-Paul Sartre: well this is based on a French play, nuff said.
Bodhi: Bodhi is a name that only happens in France and Southern California.
Nick Nolte: i am in all things having to do with water. one drowning is killing my sibling, one is killing myself. i did a half-Tracy-nelson dive into the pool. i'd like to thank this movie for becoming the catalyst for the first-ever vegan diet in Hollywood: after this all i ever ate the rest of my life was ALPO.
Maiara Walsh: cute dog. love the blue eyes.
Sartre: why isn't the dog named Sartre?
cat familiars: oh that poor first dog! named London. after Jack London. what ever happened to him?
Jane Fonda: don't worry i took him home with me while on my aerobics jog around downtown L.A.
Nick Nolte: i came THIS close to being named after the Tiger Queen.
Elizabeth Pena: i mean do i have to point this out? do i really have to spell this out for White Hollywood? sure i'm in a big blockbuster movie but I'M PLAYING THE DAMN MAID!!!
Tim Curry: again strange with the box-office promotions, this is a holiday movie about Christmas and New Years and yet this came out in late January.
Mino Argento: not the tennis player.
David Byrne: strangely, you couldn't get the rights to the studio version of my song, only my live version.
Richard Dreyfuss: i made millions with hangers. yes, hangers. Mommie Dearest is dead cos of herself so not those cool hangers. not cool '80s hangars that houses all the Tom Clancy warships and warboats for the U.S. Armed Forces. the hangers have metal in them, stolen from Magneto's helmet but don't tell China.
Laertus: okay,
you never see a bum in China
that was funny. even for me that was funny.
Takahashi: still not me.
Dirg: another aspiring filmmaker. trust me, kid, get into music videos.
Tracy Nelson: yes, dad, he's a roadie. yes he snorts cocaine but we are in the '80s.
Dirg: at least it's not the dirty '60s which started all this mess. and Bette Midler the white-woman-savior complex with all the Indian gurus and tennis instructors and Neiman and Marcus working the register.
Michael Douglas: back in the '80s we made fun of the '60s.
Tony Robbins: wait, there was a walking-over-hot-coals thing before ME?!!!
cat familiars: don't make the dog walk on the hot coals you bastards!
Nick Nolte: have you noticed Communism has only worked in Nicaragua? wanna know why? Susan Sarandon's tits. yeah i dated that broad form Dallas, wanna know who shot her? me. yeah i had a sister who died of leukemia, Jerry Lewis did a telethon for her and pocketed all the money. then Jerry used the loose change for his wheelchair. wheels like that lucky penny at the bottom of your suicide pool.
Elizabeth Pena: fucking the maid, classic trope. classic patriarchal supremacist trope. yeah i remember my thighs back then, the '80s were my decade, i was hot back then, young and zesty and full of life, hadn't married yet. i hid my drinking, didn't tell anybody, had a lot of demons swirling in my head i talked to no-one about. it's not, as Derrida says, who you marry but what you marry.
Bette Midler: speaking of, my orgasm scene, that was funny. it's not just a release of 10 years without cumming, it was a release of 10 years of my spit down Nick Nolte's throat. my pipes were finally cleared and i never sang a sour note again. never missed the high note from blockage.
Nick Nolte: vegan water.
Rubikon: wow, Little Richard's speech, relevant AS EVER today, more so in these times, it's like he predicted the future. but not really, all he's doing is stating how things have always been past present and future. but that Indian kid tho.
Indian kid: yeah there's no point for my existence in this film. other than for a white man to give me an apple. to make up for it Disney gave me Slumdog Millionaire.
Toni Grant, radio psychologist: sounds like a personal problem to me. you're projecting because you know i should have been the star of Videodrome not that sweetheart of a bitch Debbie Harry. put your dog, my other client, on the phone. my voice is so mysterious and hypnotic it causes accidents on the highway.
Rubikon: okay, Nick Nolte is now gonna fuck Tracy Nelson! NOW this is getting interesting!
Dirg: see? all women fall for sociopaths with pianos! not just lolitas and Timothy Hutton. marriage is just another word for manipulation.
Laertus: yeah but it would have been more interesting if Nick Nolte literally was a familyfucker. if he fucked the ENTIRE family including the son and the father. and it's weird, at first Richard Dreyfuss is the one who's friendly to Nolte. it's sweet, not like two cavemen. Dick eases Nick along blending him into the family unit but then he takes a sharp turn and starts to hate and begrudge Nick for no reason toward the middle.
Richard Dreyfuss: it was the Brooklyn Dodgers talk, that always gets me down that they moved.
Max Whiteman: the name of our Wave band is Blaupunkt. notice i didn't say '80s band cos we're in the '80s now. i didn't say New Wave cos we're living it now, we're in the middle of the wave, everything's happening now...
Statboy Tony Reali: stay in the present, everything is everything.
Eye: when in doubt, when you have no ending, put everyone in the pool and have them flounder. HE TOOK MY BABY!!! hahahahah.
Laertus: that pool scene is actually a very sitcommy ending. CALL 911! this movie created 911, it wasn't popular yet.
Nick Nolte: i didn't want to show my bare butt so much but Mazursky insisted i was no Jill Clayburgh. the cabana was nice but i ain't no boy! you know the ending of this proves i'm a good actor, but ironically i was a better actor lying about my past here than i am IN REAL LIFE as an actor.
Laertus: real life is boring. like peeing in the bushes.
Tracy Nelson: remember i had the eating disorder that was never explored.
Tracy Nelson: i'll never eat again.........until Nick Nolte eats my pussy again.
Eye Luggage: sweet ending, i love the heartwarming scene of all of them the whole family beckoning Nolte and their dog to come back to live with them. all families are blended and crazy. love in the jitty.
Dirg: titty? g'night, folks.
Laertus: i enjoyed myself watching this, been a long time since i just had FUN watching a film. first half craters a bit but it pulls through in the end. strangely, the first half isn't funny, but in the second half the jokes start coming in and it's gut-bustingly HILARIOUS. two writers? husband/wife writing team? the woman penned all the funny jokes.
Gina and Pat have their date, uh playdate, clutching each of their mother's coatarm while under each of their mother's skirt.
Gina: we can talk under here in private.
Pat: OH SO YOU DO TALK
Gina: shhhhh. is this McDonalds completed?
Pat: half-complete.
Gina: my older sister says this McDonalds shouldn't be completed. it's perfect as is, as its half-self, it's half tree now. the tree is nourished fed by water flowing underground. the diggers did their work, it's the perfect soil consistency to grow apple pies. sure some of the wood is finished but the other wood is the trunk.
Pat: is your sister New Age and a follower of Madame Pons's mom?
Gina: yeah, how'd you know? my sister brings home wild tales from college not just wild venereal disease. like her roommate who was in this acting class being dragged away by paramedics and the people in the streets leapt from their sidewalks Bjork-style and started filming the roommate with their phones. my sister says that when you see someone on the street start talking about how the trees and the sky are magic, that is someone who is not in their right mind.
Pat: well sure, i mean how can you only NOW see that the trees and the sky are magical?
Gina: okay here comes your test.
Gina turns around and faces her butt to Pat's eyes. she backwards puts out her hand in a cup-shape.
Pat is about to slap that hand but he has second thoughts. he looks at that hand and at that butt. he quickly gets a french fry and places it in her hand.
Gina: you pass. we'll have a second thing together. maybe at Burger King next time, i hear they have a tree burger.
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