Dirg: see? that Feeding America Weather Channel thing was all jokes. you said Feeding America was serious.
Laertus: this early with your shit?
Dirg: and Maria wasn't on there!
Eye Luggage: we all miss her. Felicia has moved in to the alpha-woman slot. not the word you think, Dirg.
Birx takes a deep breath, clears her throat---which is hard given her scarf---and determinedly pushes gently the door to the Oval:
Birx: sir i need to speak with you RIGHT NOW. immediately. was i muttering just then?
President Bump: another beer, bitch……..oh sorry, i thought you were Melania. she doesn't respond to me now that's she's a robot. what is it i'm actually busy this time.
Birx: sir look at me. look at my eyes! look at my scarves especially!!! i put a LOT of work into these scarves. they're different EACH day! NEVER A REPEAT.
Bump: i know firsthand that's hard to do...
Birx: i wore these scarves in the hopes that maybe i'd set an example for the American people. model good behavior. these scarves were my masks! see? it doesn't have to be a dreary drag, you could wear a Guns N Roses mask if you have to...
Bump: ANOTHER BEER, BITCH!!! diet beer. sorry......this is all i know how to say...is why they won't let me do public addresses anymore.
Birx: STOP YELLING AT ME!!! you're spreading covid!!! the disease doesn't care if you're an independent cos you don't read books. don't you care about infecting others? you got your spit on the head of my peacock!
Bump: are we still talking about your scarf? or real life?
Birx: my daddy yelled at me and look where it got him...
Bump: didn't he get lost in space? that was my favorite show as a youth, i watched it alone. dreaming of being lost in space. i get enough guff from others. why don't they leave me alone? i just want to watch tv. i mean i got this fatass Pompeo with an even fatter face than me on my one side who looks like if Curly from Three Stooges had smarmy brains. i got James Woods who makes me jealous, he called Michael Moore tubby first. i got Nancy who is Skeletor's grandmother and is just morbid, she was the inspiration for Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. and my new secretary i mean spokesman i mean spokeswoman Kayleigh who wants to read the Bible to me every night as a bedtime story. *shakes his face and clears his throat like Jimmy Stewart* i said okay.....you know i mean ehh i'm game for anything. let me tell you something, prayer did not help me, there is no God, just ask my boss Codrus.
Birx: Pelosi has had enough of your shit on your shoes!
Pence: sir, that is NOT the Bible! that's The Midnight Gospel!...
at the Glass Igloo, Doryce and Gladyce have just finished a satisfying dish of curry and are doing the dishes:
Doryce: so tasty! what herbs did you use?
Gladyce: it wasn't the spices, it's the preparation, that tandoori pot was smokin'. the secret is not the clay composition but how you mount it...
Doryce: i'm listening...
Gladyce: put it on an ice floe. but the REAL key is how you steam it. i HATED that cheap plastic film we were using, when you cook with it it gets slow-simmered and sticky in the grease and dissolves into eighty million pieces of invisible plastic bits.
Doryce: for the eighty-headed god...
Gladyce: those are a bitch to get out pardon my depardieu. they really are! i eat them accidentally, they get stuck to my finger bases and fingertips, i have to scratch them out of the plate cos i can't see them. and it gets even more confusing cos they blend with the grease globules so you don't know if you're scraping off the grease or the film! and then when you wash the other hot side of the plate after burning your fingers there are stragglers of film hiding there you have to peel off if you still have the finger for it.
Doryce: like miniature stars in the sky. like little swimmers of sperm staining the carpet, i remember those days. solution? we are a solution-based economy...
Gladyce: i call it The Beast With Two Backs. when cooking use TWO plates instead of one. don't cover your food with a roll of film, simply cover it with another plate that you invert on top.
Doryce: genius, my love! oh yeah never thought of that before. like a little mini homemade croc pot named after the McDonalds founder. that's what the actress said...
Gladyce: just make sure to wear gloves when you're handling it afterwards cos that top plate will BURN your fingers off! quickly put that top plate back to the pile of plates stored in the cupboard.
Doryce: but what about storing leftover food without using plastic film?
Gladyce: use pieces-of-eight. silver. tinfoil to cover it.
back at The Treehouse:
the cat familiars left alone: a shale stone in the kitty litter is good luck...
Altuve enters the wet field of the Orlando Megaplex deltaplex and takes a look around. he's wearing Air Jordans to curry favor with the nonpaying public.
Altuve: don't look at my shirt, i'm not wearing one. do you think the people will be so happy to have baseball back they'll forget about me?
Laertus pushes PLAY and "Don't You Forget About Me" plays in the background dugout.
Anderson Cooper's baby: why didn't you come out sooner, daddy? your life would have been much easier on you.
Anderson: i know, but...…...i wanted to make sure Obama had secured that second four-years first...
Takahashi at the school parking lot which is closed for covid:
he rolls in in his new ride. Dirg's mouth is agape.
Dirg: what the fuck man.
Taka: like it? it's an Isuzu Elf!
Dirg: oh i know what it is. i just can't believe it! i thought those only existed in cyberpunk anime. that's next week...
Taka: it's the anime truck to be sure. i traded the van, sorry. got a good deal for it tho *raps side of truck*. but i don't get the Kelley Blue Book, kelly means green...
Julie raps on the vending machine, tipping it over with her softshoe ballet slipper with ribbon on one foot. on her other foot is a black galosh.
Julie: here. have a drink. this sobia shall hit the spot, you look frazzled.
Pat: i'm fazzled. do i still have hair? maybe i should just shave it off, it's more unwieldy than a socket puppet from the beerguzzling Australian backwood. i'm worried about prom. i'm getting visions, it's an underwater theme……...as in a big flood comes and washes away all revelers and the basketball court and land...
Mike: yep had the same vision, the basketball court becomes a baseball field...
Julie: don't worry about it, babe, worry about tit, prom is MONTHS away...
Pat: not if they shorten the semester to start in summer and end by Thanksgiving when all the sports will come at us in a glut of cum...
Dirg: those mini yellow Lays bags with the teeth on the front of the bag are creepy.
Bump: have i made a wrong turn? or is this anime club? i mean what was up with that Naruto Shippuden Power arc? i mean that girl was hot but she's that dude's sister!!! they got married and everything in a formal ceremony. with sakura and everything! sakura flowers.
Stephen A Smith: loved that last Bob's Burgers. Pesto had an inversion table...
crones: ...for sex...
Stephen: ...for Iverson...same thing...i know, i covered the man for thirty years, up until he lost the cornrows……...Game 6 The Movie? why?
Dirg: i never want my Instagram to devolve into being just a place for shoutouts...
Michael Weiss: for some, Instagram is a purely utilitarian thing, they're not in it for the fame. they're just there to trade recipes and for the perfect TikTok prerecording for their situation...
Michael Weiss: Julie, Pat, if you remember one thing from me for the future, let it be this: twitter to rant, Instagram to apologize...
Pat and Julie hold hands for comfort from the bewilderment.
Dirg: Betty Wright?!!! OMG i thought for a splitsecond you said BETTY WHITE!!!
Julie: well we're here waiting on Kate Tempest to show her pretty face and make her grand entrance and go with us to Shakespeare Class.
Pat: she's already gotten too big for us and our pauper rinkydink Shakespeare class. a high-school Shakespeare class is a luxury...
Julie: she's my first success story! no nurse here! oh look *waving* hiya!, there's lovely Madeline Horwath come to join the Orchid Girls! and she's brought a stand mixer to club!
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: i don't get it. why hire Daniel Radcliffe? the good book clearly says Harry has GREEN eyes. Mike Bailey, whatever happened to him? like i never knew his name was Mike Bailey, that is such a plain name, Sid from Skins sounds so much cooler, he should legally change his name to just Sid......oh, and...uh, oh yeah, the crones were mad that Mister America was filmed in San Gabriel instead of Glendale...
Eye: Life Of Pi and go. not a movie about maths...
Laertus: ...well, sort of...probably, it's one of probabilities...
Dirg: i remember my dad coming one night bringing home a fat green book of Statistics that i devoured in one night...
Laertus: that was MY dad.
Eye: Pi is the REAL Tiger King!
Dirg: i too notice that we all converged back here after having a meal together. at a Taste Of India restaurant. with that Aerosmith song in the background. nice try, but i know your tricks by now.
Dirg: R.I.P. The Man With Two Rs for emphasis. respec the r's. the Ricky Ricardo rolled r's. only pimps get two r's. without Irrfan---i'm a fan---there is no Khan or Mowgli, the way The Jungle Book was SUPPOSED to be read at night as a bedtime story. you know, for the ride. without Irrfan nobody would know what a slumdog was. there would be no Bollywood!!!
Tyzik: Slumdog Millionaire is classified as a...crime-drama film?...
Laertus: this is one hard-hitting PG film! it gets its grit from its philosophical exercises.
Dirg: yeah now imagine this movie as a hard R. what would it be? what would it look like? bestiality? it would be called Life Of Pee...
Eye: remember, Dirg, your first golden shower was courtesy of me. i did it to you as punishment, you did not enjoy it at all i recall.
Laertus: and right off the bat we see why this is the first Disney Nature film. absolutely breathtaking! all manner of exotic species, beast and bird, animals roaming the land, breathing all the clean green air cos there are no humans...oh drat, humans!...it's Paradise, it's like the Playboy Grotto without the bunnies...
Laertus: okay, gang, let's all imagine this film if they used real animals...
Eye: i would have enjoyed that.
Dirg: the computer-generated animals are weird. for real. cos they're so real you can't tell the difference. but obviously when you see a bird do a triple-backflip it's AI. it messes with my equilibrium, i don't know what's real anymore, if this is VR or deepfake.
Laertus: Rafe Spall, his father owns a Dutch barge, that's your next ride, Takahashi. Rafe also had a weight problem as all our leaders and illuminati do...so cheer up, Dirg...
Dirg: i'd rather be fat than skinny, bones. cos if you skinny you dead.
Laertus: the Piscine Molitor. where you went to be seen. not the Expo. the pool where the writer warrior elites gathered, where they summered with George Clooney and Gatsby. all the dames had hourglass shapes to hide the fact they could still only wear one-pieces no matter how hot they were. and Hemingway was naked and fat in the pool...
Eye: where Clifford the Big Red Dog bathed. that's where we're going on our next roleplay i mean honeymoon, babe.
Dirg: he wants to be known as PIE, not PEE! he doesn't want to be a porn star when he grows up...though with the name Pie...
Laertus: okay that was funny, i genuinely laughed out loud at that. he's an Indian Catholic, getting guilty over all two thousand gods. they say he was indecisive, but he was a scholar to me. all scholars become a Hindu then Vishnu of Everything Is Everything then a Catholic then a Jew and finally a Muslim in the end.
Dirg: kabbalah doesn't count, the Red String of Fate was animated by anime first. i would have peed in the holy water but that's just me as scriptwriter.
Laertus: okay Dirg, i won't hate, i admit, that comic book was cool. seeing the entire galaxy in the mouth of that blue Hindu god, that was something to behold, gave me the neck shivers.
Laertus: oooh, that cuts deep. the father tells his sons not to believe in religion, it only leads to darkness. science man father deals a blow. remdesivir will cure you, not reishi.
Madame Pons in a tree scowls from a distance.
Dirg: oh god Gerard Depardieu. i mean come on! he always plays the blowhard French man. he's too big of himself, he thinks he represents The French State Itself, he is France.
Laertus: he's the bad Frenchie. the one who voted for that woman, yeah i said it. why do all racists regardless of country all have fat heads, long blond locks of rusted viking, red cheeks, and sweat profusely?
Eye: what is he known for? this Jerry. he did that thing with the Roxanne long nose and was a Musketeer once or something. make Amelie the symbol of France instead.
Laertus promptly covers Eye's eyes like a good boyfriend. like a companion, like a pet.
Laertus: you don't need to be seeing that, hon.
Eye: oh god. at least they didn't show the goat.
Dirg: so much for being a G.O.A.T. don't look too much into animals, all animals are dumb. you're just seeing your own dumb reflection reflected back at you, human.
Eye: cats and dogs can talk...…...they just choose not to...
Dirg: oh COME ON!!! the Bengal Tiger is named Richard Parker?!! it would have been WAY cooler if they called him Thirsty!
Dirg: i don't get it, that poor hyena, i thought you were supposed to laugh at the alpha's jokes at a party.
Laertus: you will never understand dominance.
Eye: oh shit, *touches her Rubenesque chest* okay i admit, i won't hate, when the tiger comes out of the boat's cover that was an effective jump-scare, that worked. it scared the shit outta me.
Dirg: i wasn't scared. damn tiger why you so angry? and the tiger answers I have covid. this is bad being standed like this. this is worse than Gilligan's Island, at least Little Buddy had friends.....never saying goodbye to a girl, i know thee well...
Laertus: do you shake your fist at God like that, Dirg? like Clooney on a wave? when you're having a particularly nasty day?
Dirg: hey it wasn't hunger, it's wasn't delusion, it wasn't oasis, Pi was experiencing the blue-neon lightshow of a European rave...
Dirg: and he drinks his own pee out in the open waters. full circle. this has become Waterworld again...
Eye: he had a better flotilla.
Dirg: hey it's bad luck to eat a flying fish, especially when it's in midflight. haven't these people played Mario? you eat those wings that are still fluttering inside your stomach and they fly you up to Hell. it's kill or be killed, kid, no room for sympathy. that ain't a housecat you can cuddle with!
Laertus: when the whale comes, that's when Pi has the devastating thought: the boat he's on, it's not wood, it's Pinocchio!
Eye: that is so courteous and courageous of him, i wouldn't have thought of that, his first instinct with the fish isn't for himself, he's thinking he has to keep feeding the tiger fish to keep the tiger alive. everyone else would think only of their own survival in this situation, keeping number-one alive. just getting fish for themself.
Laertus: it's Meerkat Manor......on acid!!!
Eye: this is the logical conclusion of a Venus flytrap. if you continue feeding it, Seymour, it turns into a carnivorous island...
Dirg: which is pretty cool when you think about it. it has lots of water around to drown out all that salty meat. and teeth flowers! that's what happens when you eat all those Lays...
Laertus: and we reach The Piano shore again, pristine and small-sandy.
Dirg: crack open a couple of Coronas and let's shoot the breeze. literally. with rifles and masks. damn, Richard Parker, why you gotta be so cold. you couldn't just give one man-nod to the crying boy? i can still make you spicy chicken nuggets!
Laertus: this is where the film loses me. why the second story? it puts a damper on the enterprise up till now. just stick with the original story, it's so pretty and philosophical. you literally have ten minutes of dead air as he sits and dictates the second story coldly in a room. why? plus it glosses over the fact he's trying to cover up that he may be a mass-murderer all this time, that is so not Disney.
Dirg: see, Laertus?, the story with God in it will always be the more interesting story. and Rafe is literally dumbfounded when he finds out Pi has a wife and kids. you're not a weird loner with funny hair who tells fantastic tales and has this nice place you afford somehow? you know, cos of all the trauma and everything, he can't be around people nor tigers again.
Laertus: don't steal stories. write your own.
Eye: let's not talk about the animal abuse behind the scenes of this film, it's too depressing and puts a damper on the proceedings, this grand existential exercise we've been on. email reads: last week we almost killed King. fuck me. g'night, folks.
Dirg: just go with the flow, man, pi never ends. yeah so that Indian boy from Skins is the MC of this, right? don't steal jokes, don't steal beats, don't steal lyrics, don't steal stories, ideas are free. Biden. told ya. his accuser is the REAL Tiger King. Tiger Queen. g'night, folks.
Madame Pons dials 911 for information, uh, 411:
Madame Pons: hello? how can i become a sensuality chef?
the operator hangs up.
Madame Pons: babies?
Doryce: you said you bought an apron? first off, take the apron off. lose the apron.
Madame Pons: huh. apron, a porn...
Gladyce: bake something special for someone you wouldn't expect.
Bump in an apron: am i in the right place? the kitchen, right? see i know. let's do something! i just learned how to make homemade hydroxychloroquine from Inside Edition. it's so cool, it looks like leek soup from China! it's like those youtube videos that teach you how to make McDonalds fries...
a package is slipped under the roof of the Elf.
Taka: oh D...it's for you. it's a leaving.
Dirg: if it's not in a Maury Povich manila envelope it doesn't count and i won't look at it.
Taka: it's not food. it's something to read. it's the Gabagool comic, your favorite! dirty comic.
back at school in the front hallway, the glow of the vending machine lights the night sky:
Julie: here. rub these two quarters together and see if you make a fire.
Pat tries but gets Mike as a witness.
Pat: see?
Mike: yeah, it's warm, i felt it.
Julie takes the quarters but doesn't put them in the coin slot. instead she moves them into the inside of the machine without breaking the glass into a million pieces. one quarter covers the other quarter and floats in the middle of the inside rings and rungs.
Julie: see that? there's a fire inside that crockpot. it burns hot.
she takes out the quarter contraption as if the vending-machine glass were a roll of invisible plastic film. the glass isn't disturbed but Pat's force is. Pat touches it and it's stone cold.
Pat: i don't get it, what happened. therein lies the rub, why isn't it hot? where's your Indian burn?
Julie: it's still there, the flame migrated to your heart. you can feel your heart you can't feel your soul.
Pat: my heart is starting to jump.
Julie: you are definitely a thirsty mister. chips? drink?
Pat: that one.
Julie: nice. Chills + Thrills, a fountain drink. the drink that's so thick you eat. kinda like my rump. all they have is lime, is that okay?
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