Pat has forgotten what room Julia Ioffe is in, partly because all the rooms look alike and partly because all the rooms look different.
Pat: plus i am still in a haze. i am always in a haze now it seems. i can't concentrate on my studies anymore such as they are. that girl has my head constant and knocked forward. but the one thing i did remember were the special shoes.
at a random hallway Pat sticks his leg out hoping to trip his secret love. Julia, one door down, opens her door:
Julia: kinky. come. in.
Julia: OOOOH I LOVE YOUR SHOES!!! so exotic! what are they? get naked wearing only them so i can get a good frame for staring at them. i love to stare at shoes.
Pat: they're mukluks. i thought you'd especially like them, very native.
Julia: nice. very Korra.
Julia looks out her window.
Julia: well how do you like that? it's snowing and i didn't even notice! i've been distracted. wow, well you win! again! that was very creative. do me however you want.
Julia jumps on her palatial bed and splays her body out legs open like scissors. she says a few yellow words into her teeth and POOF she becomes a ball, all her tangled limbs fold into this ball and she presents as sinply one big round juicy wet bouncy butt on the bed:
Julia: do your worst.
after ten sessions:
Julia, looking out her window: awww, the snow hasn't melted yet. try again!
Pat needs a drink of water afterwards---he doesn't notice the curve of the water-fountain water has crystalized into a frozen waterfall---and bumps into Cotard who is in the middle of his five minutes of silence hands in the prayer position:
Pat: hello Father. what's the haps? sorry, i get stupid after i fuck my dream girl while still can't believing it's not a dream.
Cotard is wearing a stovepipe hat and a shirt which reads GOD'S BITCH.
Cotard: just praying for all the rapes. and the pimping out of daughters by fathers. i'm visiting my girl Marianne Williamson, my main mom madam, who's teaching one classroom over. she's, uh, got a lot of time on her hands now. and she's pissed off that she couldn't get Auditorium W. i've prayed like this in every spot on campus, every square inch of Princeton. it's taken me a decade but what's time to me anyway.
Marianne in her small cramped empty classroom: girls, we've lost the plot! the Bump Administration has made us soft and lazy again! stare at my barbecue pussy, my pulchritudinous pussy brushed with a tangy sauce of lime New Age crystals, and be cured! we gotta get back to bonding! i mean boxing! no more of this Sarah Lawrence shit, we gotta speak up for our sisters! our fellow females, fight! solidify! solidate! now who wants a T-shirt?...sorry ladies, there's only one GODDESS BITCH T-shirt, I wear that one!...
Bezos: nothing nefarious, just buying it for an Eyes Wide Shut party, not for any Lex Luthor stuff...
outside on the lawn a winner is making a speech. the hilltops and hillocks and college spires and rooves and garage patio pathways which slink up to professors' private residences on the university grounds and gateways are all covered in mounds of snow, latticed with ice, but there's just enough green to get by:
Siba: i won Westminster...and i thought this would be Oxford *crowd laughs*. my name translates as Norwegian black metal...
the cat familiars notice the tiny house by the corner of the expanse of lawn, Dershowitz is inside it:
cat familiars: Professor? what are you doing in there? you're at the wrong place...
Dershowitz: this is the only space i can find comfort and some space and quiet in the entire world. i'm so cramped in here my legs and arms are in a pretzel, the only difference is...no sex i swear! and i didn't drive to the river...obviously...the river is frozen...as is my gas tank...
the cat familiars: how do you do it, Siba? you have powers we can only hope to conceive with or without proper study. how do you disappear so easily?
Siba: take one look at me, one gander. society has made me invisible from the start.
cat familiars: right on, brother.
Siba: i feel bad for Daniel...he had to strip naked in front of the horse...
Joe Pera: class i want you to envision me telling you a story. see it wasn't my fault. i was a gifted child as you can tell fom my glasses and went to university at a very early age. i thought the professor here had my back and would help me and be the father figure i so longed for. turns out he only stared at my back. he turned into a sex pest before noon. this creep had the audacity to make a pass at me. me! talk about useless! i wasn't like that, these weren't the 4.0 days. so what could i possibly gain from this. and so i accidentally murdered him with a book. now i'm not saying this is a Princeton problem or a professor problem or a pedo problem...
Cotard: it's a priest problem...…...sorry i mean it's a trinity problem...
Diane Neal: oh no Joe! by the way Joe, who the hell are your parents anyway?...
at the job-recruit studio Rubikon went to:
Ricky Gervais: i have to hand it to you...
Dolly Parton: don't you TOUCH me teabags unless you want me to make you into a goose from a gander with one shot!
Ricky: no i mean your meme, that's one of the cleverer memes to come around along in a while in quite some time.
Dolly: yeah and i'm not even one of the Hollywood elite, i'm as country as you! fat, too!
Ricky: well i'm fat you're……...you've proven you're more than a pair of tits.
Dolly: what are you doing, Ricky!
Ricky: i'm showing you my naked arse in the hopes of farting rainbows in your face to impress you. look Dolly, my band and me really need a gig, can we PLEASE play Dollywood?
Dolly: fine. but only if you show me your Tinder pic...
Jodie Whittaker attends her weekly psychiatrist meeting. with Psychiatrist Federer as The Master in disguise:
Psychiatrist Federer: when you found out Graham had cancer and you tried to pretend he didn't exist anymore? oh you mean the room, soz, i'll check the thermostat.
Jodie: i don't get it, doc. i thought this would be good for me, good for the world. it would elevate women. but it's been hard being the only one. i thought this week's episode would cure my mental health and bring Iranian/American relations together. but each week i read the messageboards and it's so damn depressing as hell. are there any fans out there at all? or is it all gammons nagging on about the Valeyard?
Psychiatrist Federer: hey, chin up, girl. you've influenced so many young girls you don't even know your secret might. those reading your wisdom behind a screen. you've touched the little girl in me. be not felled. do not be fooled by what's out there. do NOT i repeat do NOT open any email or text with the screenname soyboy on it...
Jodie, back at the dorm room: hey no men! i'm freezing my plikey arse off in here!
Eye Luggage: oh it's just Laertus, i'm showing him what he can do with his bed, like the way i have it, see, dear? your mattress has a big hole in it for a year now, i'm starting to notice!
Laertus: i've hate-named it The Gulch.
Eye: the hole is created cos it sits on a box spring which sits on a metal fight-club cage frame. take away the cage.
Laertus: i was thinking of fashioning a block of wood for underneath with just the exact dimensions of my single-extra-tall-long mattress but i forgot i wasn't Norm Abram, i just have his PBS totebag.
Eye: your boxspring is still good, right? chuck the mattress for a new used one cheap, put it on top of the boxspring, no under-frame, and that's it, the floor acts as the straightening-level you need! your back will thank you. that's what i do, Inuyasha Japanese-style, i simply plop one mattress on my floor and voila! in fact my boxspring IS my mattress! one item! minimalist, the way college was intended, there's no room in college rooms for all that jazz!
Laertus: and it's safer, nothing under for the cat familiars to get crushed under.
Doryce: they'd just disappear before. i'd heat the room......but my baby ain't home! what's the point? you know what i'll do, i'll wait for her by making another egregious purchase that she's sure to come home when she sees the bill! i'm gonna be the first person in the history of the universe to actually buy a bbq smoker from a grocery store!
Pedro in San Francisco: the city's depressed not just me. all the red and gold 49ers streamers around every cheese shoppe and wine depot and salami centre and grocery store were quickly taken down. i've seen that smoker at The Store, it sits on a pile of icebags in the middle where an aisle used to be...
Doryce, on the phone: hello, dear. where are you? come home!
Gladyce: you know where i am, dear. headquarters. you've been cleaning up. you know which box my record collection's in, all those LPs will keep you warm at night.
Doryce: you've got some pretty hipster stuff in here, babe.
Gladyce: does FM-84 come before or after M83 in the dictionary?
Dirg: Ollie Wride has the best woman-voice from a man i've ever heard. that's just not right, thought he was a woman all along, his voice took me on a ride before it took me for a ride. best since that communist Jimmy the Vile Savile from the leftist enabling BBC.
Laertus: not cool dude. you mean Jimmy Somerville, and he doesn't count, his is pure manly falsetto. think a Vienna Choir Boy who cleaned up at church-dance night.
Eliza Hopewell: hello. hope all is well.
Gladyce: oh hello, dear. oh Dor and i used to dress wells! with flowers and rave sticks and pickles. memories yes. well, we visited Mimi Choi cos we knew Monty Python stole all their ideas from her Eastern brand of crazy. that was nightmarish, the good kind. then we hopped over to Tehrangeles for some esoterica. to smooth over relations. it's Pershing Square but it's really Persian Square.
President Bump on the phone: Kim? KIM! don't hang up on me! get Sharon Choi in my bed NOW! i want her to translate all the strange noises which come from my butt at night.
Orchid Girls Jessica Meir and Christina Koch are having a row by the organic tea:
Jessica: i thought you said space is for all!
Christina: yes but i'm married.
Jessica hugs Christina REAL hard for a REAL long time, five minutes flat. later that evening, alone in her flat, Jessica rereads Little Women.
Gladyce: so as i can see, there's a lot of lovin' that goes on in this room...so afterwards here's the secret, dears, use SCENTED trash bags! marvelous things. masks the clams-stench so only we know what's going on, nobody else's business! do not use Venus spray, that's a man's industrial product. i don't have time to clean.
Bump: *to Nancy* acquitted in perpetuity
Nancy: impeached in perpetuity
Bump: Acquitted In Perpetuity
Nancy: Impeached In Perpetuity
Bump: okay either way that's a lot of icing to write on this peach cake...
outside the brick house, Rosario Dawson frolics naked in the briarpatch. and Prince Harry and Cobain have something to talk about when their Briarpatch alt-magazine arrives at their Canadian store where they work. L.L. Bean is now a coffee shop...
Stephen A Smith: man oh my god! i thought i'd have a fun time doing the Oscars for my first time just as a lark for my boss Mickey Mouse but man was it a drag! George that poor sap of a dumb teddy bear. he's been doing the Red Carpet reporting his whole damn life and he kept sticking a mic in my face asking me in between slobbers why Hollywood---the industry he dedicated his life to---is suddenly getting a bad rap now. i told him don't complain if you don't vote. dude looked like a Modern Family reject. i was able to drink Maria Menounos's milk when she wasn't looking...
Kornheiser: i saw that. she turned both her heads...
Wilbon: FINALLY Inside Edition doesn't promote one of their segments and actually calls its pranksters knuckleheads!
Rubikon unveils his plan on the stump in New Hampshire:
Rubikon: we'll get those Iranians! the war is on, reports are they've already killed 10 of our men, we will retaliate in kind, we have to! they use secret invisible tornados to surprise bomb-blast, they've done this and taken out TRL at the MTV Studios in New York City. i will fight the only way i know how from my days on the frontlines of being a kid: i've ordered our factories and farms to mass-produce long retractable metal single Doc Oc arms as we speak...
Bernie Sanders on the stump in New Hampshire:
Bernie: thank you for staying up late, i know it's the shank of the evening and i need my NyQuil. i'll keep this brief. we're right. right? i have all the resources i need. i mean renewable sources...
Henry: can you call me Arthur?
Madame Pons: not yet. you hear that? it's the faint sound of the point of your dance shoe rubbing up against the crunchiness of the mic here. i'm an ASMRtist now!
Henry: it sounds so tipsy. but i was first attracted to you when i heard your booming reassuring voice!!! when you pronounced each word so strongly and demonstrably, each syllable laced with cosmic compassion.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: the Oscars commercials are always better than the Super Bowl commercials. i especially loved that McDonald's-of-every-celebrity one. i'll give Takahashi a call...
Laertus: that KFC commercial? that chicken looks like a taco with the sunset behind it, i thought it was a Taco Bell commercial.
Eye: and that glorious goth fork with the chicken-feet for tines. who's more annoying: Asta or Zenitsu?
Eye: while Tyzik contemplates that for eternity, as his head flies up to the stars, Earth Girls Are Easy and go.
Dirg: a long music video.
Laertus: a love-letter to Los Angeles.
Eye: The Valley is a separate entity from Hollywood or Los Angeles, it's its own thing, its own region like the Middle East. Geena says she's from the Valley, not L.A. i want the soundtrack. but it's out-of-print and rare. only available in Japan.
Laertus: San Fernando Valley, right? and all those glorious suburbs. i suppose it wouldn't be as cool if you referred to yourself as being from San Ferdy. Geena Davis is yet another version of Dorothy Gale by her name. but the real revelation here is Julie Brown. she is TALENTED!!! she wrote this and came up with all the songs. the Blonde song was hilarious.
Dirg: Julie's tits. yep. i'm sure they were that big in high school, too. that's why she was prom queen.
Eye: Gidget tribute. it was still fashionable in the '80s to crush blondes like that, and i am all for it and bringing that back! the roots of goth. what about that nightmarish Twilight Zone sequence tho! masterful and eerie and wonderfully jarring and out-of-place. that was unexpected! i love when the alien kid is jumping on a pogo-stick shaped like the planet Saturn and the mom gets mad, hahaha!
Laertus: i remember that toy. Julie Brown and Pee-wee's Playhouse, match made in heaven, never have two ethoses been meant for each other so completely! you see the angle of the rooms and roofs and the playful colorful Art-Deco design of the house in this? you know Julie had that exact same snooping-old-lady neighbor at her real house! gotta admit, was not expecting this to break into song and be a musical. you know Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans were hatching plans for In Living Color while on set. which Julie Brown became more famous in the end? her or the MTV one? tough to say...
Pat: after all, they say MTV is scum. Van Nuys High, keep a note of that for later. hey guys, a shipment has just come in! special-order, drinks for us to share while we gab. magaritas...frozen margaritas!
Eye: the only box that matters! good, they're better that way.
Dirg: like Ebert said: this film is a piece of delicious cotton candy. i feel so bad for Charles Rocket tho. it wasn't like he did it right after his SNL blunder, he had a long and distinguished beautiful flowering career and THEN he did it. there's no justice in this world. Orson Bean another one, after AFTER a long life well-lived, how tragic and ironic the ending.
Eye: he got what he deserved. i mean he's got Geena Davis---who is FORCED to wear that pink bikini the whole time---and yet he is still not satisfied? he cares more about his stupid fish!?
Dirg: not cool for them to hold up the nurse with a gun like that, nurses have rights, too. what she's just collateral damage? tinnitus before Archer. huh, it's so funny how back then celebrities were held in such high regard and valued. everyone back then loved Nancy Reagan, Mel Gibson, and Cher. and the National Enquirer!!!
Eye: back then the Enquirer was just some goofy rag no one took seriously...
Dirg: not cool for the spaceship to be shaped like a blowdryer that lands in the water. sends the wrong message to kids. Deca Dance=Decadence, get it? the dance club. and of course the Cage before Maya Angelou...
Eye: that spaceship was weird, it was like a Yellow Submarine banana...
Dirg: yellow dub. at da club. the only thing i would do in the '80s is shake Ronald Reagan's hand. oh and the cops! the cops here were treated like goofy benevolent one-of-the-guys! harmless. they were treated so nice here i can even fogive the forced gayness later.
Laertus: oh and Michael McKean as the surfer dude! he absolutely DISAPPEARS into that role! had no idea it was him, his accent is so foreign. i have that same green-eyeshade tennis-and-taxes visor with CALIFORNIA emblazoned on the front of it.
Dirg: no matter the era 7-Eleven workers ALWAYS have to prove they're the real Americans! oh, and Goldblum sure learned to speak fluent English mighty fast there!
Eye: i wanted to be a Valley girl when i was young so bad, they talked so rad. later i found out my dad was the genuine article: he was bred in Van Nuys, he was a genuine Valley boy! and he distinctly remembers when they had to cancel his Catholic school for one day cos the roads were blocked off for filming of the backwards-car-chase scene of this very film Earth Girls! just think about this: this movie was made AFTER The Fly...awkward for Geena and Jeff. i love the ending tho, it's romantic. every girl wants outer-space love. you don't have to marry, girl, marriage isn't the end-all-be-all. and Charles Rocket wouldn't have learned his lesson, after his coma he woulda gone right back to E.T.'ing the poor three tricolor aliens and saying he discovered Doctor Who. the only way Charles Rocket would learn his lesson would be to go on that rocket and become a slave on their planet. Love Touch was the original name of KY Jelly. and Julie Brown, there is such poignancy and pain in her voice as she delivers that line: happy trails. a lot of past loss and longing in that linereading. the subtle quiver in her lip made me tremble. g'night, folks.
Brooke Shields: i split with my Calvins.
Julia Ioffe: your jeans? yeah the rip we know that commercial. girl why you look so sad? you should be laughing.
Brooke: Calvin was my bipolar boyfriend...
Pat: let's do something.
Julia: Princeton are party-poopers. they're all dead inside. there's not much in the way of pranks here, it gets old to them fast. i tried to liven up the place once by placing flour in an envelope and sending it to the Home Economics Department, but that did not go over well. good thing the campus cops never found out who did it.
Michael Weiss on stage, smiling: hate looking at beefcakes on Instagram? a hangnail can fell a 400-pound muscleman. like Bama. make him squirm in his seat and render him useless to accomplish the most menial of tasks. he can't even pick up a trash can. trash can't. that's why i keep my gentleman fingernails well-manicured at all times. i like getting my toes sucked. with my lithe soft hand i am able to hold that thin book of Goodnight Moon not letting it drop to the floor imparting to my little niece the wisdom of the ages. THAT's power, ladies and gentlemen, i hold the power of light in my hand!
Pat takes Julia by the hand and they traverse over up the hill to the university golf course, still open with new flakes of snow landing gently in each hole and covering the surrounding green with grey. Pat takes Julia by the hand again to dance her in a circle. slowly. as if time has stopped, which it has for the both of them not needing to attend classes. both with their tongues out wide open to accept the snow as they sloppy-kiss. Julia closes her eyes for the first time.
Pat: you know what, no, why must this remain secret forever. I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW! I WANT THE STARS TO KNOW!!!