where it rightfully belongs. its forever home planet. in tribute to the eternal bi-alien love between Odo and Kira. till death do them part, but no one ever really dies as Star Wars teaches us. even if one of them does dies, Odo can just shapeshift again and get out of it. an unbreakable bond these two have, a forever love written in the syndicated stars...
1. would you rather have one nipple or two belly buttons?
two belly buttons so when the schoolyard bully comes at me with, "are you an innie or an outie?" i can assert, "both". he is so taken aback the bully removes his eye scar and he transfers to public school. and i score the alien babe who secretly teaches us P.E. and uses the kickball diamond as a staging area. this schoolyard is located in the PhD department...
one nipple so all my Total Recall Green Bay cheeseheads can all clump together from the cold after graduate school, and watch that Abigail Spencer sex tape where she exquisitely lithely lightly brushes her nipple with the tip of her finger like a pro.
2. would you rather always feel like someone is following you, but no one is, or always feel like someone is watching you, even though no one is?
knowing me i'd get stuck with the least desirable option: wanting to be followed by Trent Reznor and watched by Sting but it turns out nobody is there...
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3. would you rather have sex in a cave frequented by tourists or sex in a tree house in your parents' back yard?
first option will go down exactly like this:
i'm in the cave, i get a call. the call. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CAVE!!! it's the Hall of Fame fat guy in a beige sportcoat, he tells me i've finally been selected as an official member of the Playboy Club. i should be overjoyed and ecstatic---my lifelong dream has been achieved---but it's just not the same that Hugh is not the one presenting it to me. i'd even take shaking Hugh's blue-hologram hand. and then it hits me, i turn around and notice all these cave babes are actually mermaids. i look at their tails instead of their eyes. it's not quite an Adventure Time revival but i'll take it.
second option is what the Simpsons children did with their gradeschool sweethearts after they realized they never grew and were actually 30 freakin' years old!!!
4. would you rather be unable to use search engines or unable to use social media?
look, let's face it, social media has permanently destroyed the world. we shall never trust each other again.
if only Google that one time had sent me to the links for ANALYTICS instead of ANAL my life would have turned out differently. i would have quietly worked for ESPN in the Numbers Room. Google sent me a letter trying to apologize but the damage had been done. they did steer me to ALAN but it was Alan Resnick...
5. would you rather get one free round trip international plane ticket every year or be able to fly domestic anywhere for free?
i'm sorry but i don't trust travel agencies. i will only go to the Caymans if i get that coupon from Burger King that i won their Caymans Contest With The King. i have never understood round-trip: why the HELL would you ever want to go back home!!?
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