Monday, March 25, 2019

TMIT: HELP US, DOONESBURY HIPPIE, YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE






you all know the story of Doonesbury by now, right? it was all inspired by my dad. had to be. Garry Trudeau and my dad were in the same year at Princeton. imagine if they had been roommates! we'd be talking turkey and looking at a Facebook situation here. none of this would have happened if my dad hadn't made an impression on the man sometime during school. or perhaps afterschool. i'm picturing, i'm conjuring up some fateful vignette where Garry and my dad's eyes lock and meet across the '50s Russian sci-fi hallway of the clear-orange-glass ocular tile of the university caf one night. i mean look at the 4th picture, the one of this character here with the sandy brown hair, glasses, and light-vine-color vest. the character's name is Mike Doonesbury, that's EXACTLY ALMOST my father's exact name! he looks EXACTLY like my dad! we made it, dad, we made the big time!!!

1. when you have experienced sexual difficulty, how have you overcome it? taken a pill. sometimes red pill, sometimes blue pill. when it was red i wanted it to be blue. when it was blue i wanted it to be red. sometimes i cheated and took the blue pill in the red world cos my balls were feeling extra scratchy and i wanted to love. never had a problem again, got married four times. to the same person. Keanu assured me when we were surfing together that any world i choose is fine but be mindful not to touch any pink clouds...

2. how do you like to reconnect with your significant other? DNA test on Maury.

3. "it isn't what you do, it's the way that you do it." how do you like to be done? on a spitroast. looking over and seeing Yoda and Obi-Wan and Carrie Fisher in gauzy blue hologram gas projections clapping at me for trying a new maneuver.

4. if you are married, were you ready for marriage? this is a trick question, nobody is ready for marriage. except one couple: Sid and Cassie from Skins. i have never been married but want desperately to be. i don't want to get divorced, i want us to work it out even if we have to become psychiatrists to do it. we'll study together and get our joint PhDs and supplementary degrees in sports medicine and be roommates at Princeton.

5. if you are not married, are you ready for it? what makes you say that? yes, definitely. i will encounter no problems whatsoever, i am prepared for all possible scenarios. not a rocky road at all along our path save for ice cream which tends to make roads slippery. love will conquer any minor squabbles we have. i know we will make it and be successful because i am crazy...…...but everyone in this world is crazy...

BONUS: "it's complicated". in what way does this describe your current (or most recent) relationship?

well, it's been a long time coming, but it seems we're gonna get regulated by the government after all. we knew we couldn't escape this way forever, there are only so many free lunches a company can pay for its insanely-smart-and-cunning employees. hello, my name is Mark Zuckerberg. have you met my robot boss? the only interviews i do now are online reddits...

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2 comments:

sirsnumber1kitten said...

This is so cute and I laughed so much. Have you ever considered stand up? Please don't stop being irreverent.

the late phoenix said...

thank you, my friend, i’ve decided to write and not care anymore. yes I have considered standup actually but my social anxiety precludes me from leaving the house. that is a joke but also my life. HTMIT!