Monday, November 19, 2018

TMIT: HIDE YOURSELF THIS THANKSGIVING



riddles make the world go round. and love. and the triumph of the human spirit. to stay locked up inside makeup.

1. who in your life do you wish you'd met sooner? Juli and Cheeky and O Captain My Captain Baranick and My Mother Fucked Mick Jagger and all my old HNT friends, all my blogger buddies who sustained me through the decade and gave me purpose again, after twenty years of doldrums and detergent. i'm not sure blogging saved my life, but writing certainly did.

2. who in your life do you wish you'd never met? why? me. cos it'd be easier that way. but life is hard, that's the point. otherwise, where's the fun in it? i mean you have to earn going to Heaven, right? thing is, it's harder to earn yourself a place in Hell. cos Hell is more fun than Heaven.

there was that time i random-chance met Dick Cheney on the street. he was coming lumbering over the crooked street alone from a lecture at Berkeley in which there was so much security no one came. he held a large bar of soap in his mouth like a dog like the picture above...i guess that was part of his act, he was a props comic like Carrot Top when he got up on that lecture stage. i told him he looked like Wilford Brimley without the mustache. he told me state secrets. like where all the missiles were buried, he had missile props in his pants pockets. how he cultivated MBS in a Pentagon petri dish when he was De-Facto President for the past 20 years. MBS of course is the secret government-tested-in-a-lab new flavor of Ben& Jerry's ice cream: Molten Berry Sizzurp.

3. what personality trait or description that others attribute to you do you hate? that i'm crazy. don't you guys watch Killing Eve? never tell the psychopath she's a psychopath, psychopaths really don't like to hear that about themselves. psychopaths want you to tell them they're cool guys who wear nice fuzzy sweaters even when it's not the holidays.

4. if you have children, do you want them to be just like you? no, that's why i have none. no but seriously, i want some. now, my biological clock is ticking. what legacy will i leave behind? a blog? a fucking blog? that's it? that's what life is: a blog?

5. what have you given up but yet used to love? Froot Loops. can't afford the expensive brand name anymore, so i reach for that generic-brand beige box on the bottom shelf with the nondescript kangaroo on the cover, Sugar Os.

thought experiment: if you're crazy, will you like Froot Loops better? i used to love sex...till i found out there is no sex without love...so now i love love...and don't think about sex no more...i think about love...

bonus: why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

cos "heads-down" means something completely different. why does duck mean put your head down? duck should mean put your head up and fly away high in the sky like a duck. i will never think of a duck forevermore without thinking of Dick Cheney.

and you can't believe it but it's true: yes, THAT's Christian Fucking Bale as Dick Cheney! i know i know. that's the thing to do in Hollywood now for Oscar-bait: you literally transform yourself into a creature completely unrecognizable to any lagoon but Hefner's to snag that gold statue.

you must turn into Churchill if you're skinny, Freddie Mercury if you don't have long hair or a mustache or skinny white pants and you're a robot. what's next? Zayn from One Direction is gonna play Trump? he will. and he'll win the BAFTA for it, too.

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