Friday, July 13, 2018



* the Coen Bros. were Wes Anderson before Wes Anderson. but now that there's Wes Anderson the Coen Bros are kinda obsolete. but hey, half of the brothers got to be with Frances McDormand. there is nothing more spiritual and life-affirming and yogic and yonic on this green earth than sex with a strong independent woman.

* this is if Off The Air "Food" had a plot.

* lemme just start off by saying the concept here is absolutely brilliant, it's something i wish i would have thunk up for one of my stories, the carrot that becomes a weapon and this world's inhabitants don't blink an eye or eyelash at that. that ending just could have been so much more......................i'm gonna ignore the ending and say the film overall was a success like Ebert did with Smilla's Sense of Snow when he said he loved how cold Smilla got sexier the more she tried not to be sexy even though the ending was something out of Roger Corman.

* don't change the channel it's not PBS! but next time it is PBS leave the channel on, you might learn something.

* the source of all life is rainbows.

* good farmer, not playing an instrument, that's red paint on his ho. that ain't no eatin' carrot, that's a measurin' carrot. and for the first time in his life, the farmer wishes he were a woman.

* it's dangerous to play the radio when you're driving a truck. also: smoking.

* hitchhiker: hey, man, stop! we got matching neck tats, it's destiny! just doing my best Bugs Bunny i mean Claudette Colbert impression, who is Stephen Colbert's mother. my name is Kevin Anderson not Wes Anderson!

* hitchhiker: come on brother......o Coen Brother, where art thou?

* hitchhiker: all those who didn't stop are clearly going to Hell, doesn't anyone read their Bible anymore?......who says prostitution is the oldest trick in the book? i'm sorry for making you feel bad but you just got rubed by a country rube...

* hitchhiker: well who'da thunk i'd get murdered by a fuckin' carrot?!!

* casually slapping the murder weapon while ciggin' it

* that's why all the best police detectives are also the best stand-up comedians. case study: Detective Munch. why aren't the evidence bags easy to open like the pot baggies?

* I've heard of fucking like wabbits but this is ridiculous...........doc *munching*

* lady of the afternoon: 300. it would have been 200 if you didn't scream. wait, you really have a cottontail?

* lady of the afternoon: don't act like a cottontail!
detective: i'm sorry but i'm a cop i never have the money!

* tumblr food critic: Humboldt fog...
waitress: is not a kind of light-roast coffee, it's fog from Humboldt. the French are in the World Cup, consider me prescient.
tumblr food critic: you callin' me precious? i could've eaten a burger...
waitress: unfortunately for the soul of this community, the Seaside McDonald's which was a national art landmark was crashed and burned.

* waitress: is Diane your..............? i'm hoping daughter....

* manager: unlike most workplace scenarios, we're sleeping together so i'm a boss on your side. he's white, right? it's simple. you cool down and he doesn't get his ice until he abolishes our ICE.

* tumblr food critic: kinda looks like a soggy penis but i'm used to that...............tastes good!

* here's where it goes off the rails. this coulda been a seminal X-Files episode, not a comedy X-Files episode

* food leaves us humans vulnerable cos everyone must eat food. so food could possibly be turned into a satanic weapon. that's the gist. it's like every Japanese anime: why do humans exist? to be weapons. don't worry, as long as we eat red deermeat we're safe from Putin.

* please, no more orange over the White House

* i'm usually not in favor of remaking classics but this is a way for the Coen Bros. to work again: CLICK HERE / Frances McDormand is the modern Claudette Colbert. i will watch It Happened One Night, it will happen one night.


happy weekend, my babies. i just can't stay away, i need the beautiful game in my life! i don't know who'll win the World Cup Final, but i know what the final score will be: 26-24

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