SEATTLE'S BEST: NINE DAY WONDER

 

Jackie makes a surprise visit to Seattle.........to see Walker.

Walker just makes it to a random motel in time to greet her.

Walker, huffing and puffing: so you're not visiting your daughter while you're here?

Jackie: i don't want her to know i'm here. i don't want to be a helicopter parent, i'm sure she's the next Diane Keaton by now. but YOU, man, i can see needs help. is that cum in your ear?

Walker: you're the second woman to ask me that today.

Jackie: let's hop in the shower so i can wash off that stage makeup. the right way.

in the motel shower.

Jackie: see i like this because motel showers are notoriously tiny. not meant for two people, wink wink. 

Walker: help me.

Jackie: i know you're up here in the Pacific Northwest to give my Kourtney moral support in her crazy career. see these SLENDER bottles of stuff i brought from back home?

Walker: oh thanks!!! genuine shampoo and conditioner from a ritzy Pebble Beach hotel!!! i feel fancy already. those rich idiots never considered me one of their own, what with me being a shaggy-haired guy who looks like a surfer but doesn't surf, just stays at the beach.

Jackie: don't listen to those legacy snobs, you're my man. after my husband died. 

Jackie shakes the bottles.

Walker: owh that's COLD!!! cold driplets of water there on my blond chest.

Jackie: yeah they haven't been used in a while.

Patrick Lavender in a scuba snorkel: if i had just married a nice girl from the city named Eucalyptus, i wouldn't have gone down that dark path to Trump.

Australian women: we're the presidents of all world art and sport institutions.

me: i'm visiting my psychiatrist's couch today.

Jen R: how come?

me: Sunday, March 15, 2026 had WAY TOO MANY events happening for one Sunday, too many things in ONE day, it was thing overload, no human could keep up: WBC U.S. vs. the D.R./ the Players golf thing/ the Oscars/ Selection Sunday/ SNL with Harry Styles double-dutying/ Family Guy/ Indian Wells tournament...

Jen: and Rooster Fighter. you gotta take things more zen, instead of worrying who the schedulers are remember how you felt as you were watching the Oscars.

me: i forgot everything and just zoned out for 5 hours...

Jen: exactly.

Dr. Robbins: are you wearing something green for St. Patrick's Day? oh yeah your Grinch socks. is that an orange tie?...

Dr. Robbins: how do you look after you shower?

me: my hair is like Shemp from The Three Stooges with an Orthodox-Jew bushy beard.

Dr. Robbins: checks out.

me: can i perform my shuffleboard monologue for you now?

Dr. Robbins: i don't want to hear that again.

Jenny Jones: you look GREAT!!! what's your secret?

Ricki Lake: Fatty.

Jenny: i never called you that on my show.

Ricki: no, Fatty pills.

aspiring actress: i would have been an inspiring actress if i had been an actress...

4th Grade milk monitor: i'm gonna punch all my classmates' milk cards at recess. i'm not a violent boy, i got a holepunch.

Michael B. Jordan: it's about time i play Basquiat...

Charles Martinet: i am the same as that cartoon Batman guy.

Kevin Conroy: do tell.

Charles: we both played lawyers i think? we were both plucked out of obscurity from an '80s courtroom drama? do you wear the cowl when you copulate?

Kevin: yes i'm Melissa Maker's voice daddy. do you...?

Charles: no i don't play the games, i have no hand/eye coordination whatsoever. 

Kevin: then how do you drive? do you self-drive? self-drive your cart?

Charles: i have Jessica Tandy drive me everywhere.

Hugh Grant: can you show me the under-the-leg shot? it's the only way i can beat Emma Thompson in pickleball.

Timothee Chalamet: tell Emma to stay in the kitchen...

Hugh: that's how i got in trouble with her in the first place.

 

Batman: i come from a planet with magma oceans that smells like a rotten egg...

Saturday Night Live UK: the host of the British show will host the American show later that same Saturday...

Tina Fey wearing a monocle: not cool, Lorne!!!

Cascade: you're not fully clean unless you clean your filter.

Zest: unless your dishwasher is Zestfully clean!!! which requires you to use Zest soap in your dishwasher. soap is soap. a shower is a shower.

Chibiusa: i know everybody thought i was annoying, but i had to be on the show!!! i was Sailor Moon's daughter!!! you know?

medical scribe: i wanted to be a monk but my mother's happy...

woman of the house on the toilet: i'm gonna be here awhile. i took in with me a steamy novel for the eventual steamy poo i'll make.

Jackie: what makes our lovemaking unique?

Walker and Jackie in unison: the peanut butter.

the two of them give each other a ping-pong high-five.

Jackie: i tip your nipples with peanut butter.

Walker: and peanut butter in your butt.

Dr. Robbins: it's a unique technique.

Jackie: do you like it when i go cross-eyed deepthroating your cock? when my face turns red and i make that duck sound with my mouth?

Walker: um, yes. do you like it when i say you have nice eyes?

Jackie: you can't tell Kourtney about us.

Walker: i thought she knew.

Jackie: a mother's gotta have ONE secret from her daughter!!! 

Walker: so you know all that peanut-butter stuff? i do that with Kourtney, too.

Jackie: ...

  

SEATTLE'S BEST: STAGE MAKEUP

 

in Seattle, Jackie Fitzgerald's daughter Kourtney is understudying under the inimitable Carly Severn. they're doing RoboCop: The Opera and The Ballet on wooden planks in the round surrounded by woods. 

Kourtney: is this gonna be severe tire damage?

Carly Severn: more like Moonlighting. you're a talented wordsmith but you freeze on stage. 

Kourtney: i keep my words to myself. why'd you leave San Francisco?

Carly: i couldn't compete with Leslie Sbrocco's tits. and my cancer cured up. plus i got sick of wearing those silly headscarfs. i wanted to be cancer-free as i shaved my head under the sun for something new so i moved to Seattle...

Walker bumbles down the sliver of a stagedoor onto the lit mirrors.

Kourtney: come on, dude!!! can you believe i'm seeing this Saiyan ape?

Carly: Walker was it? walk next time, don't stagecraft.

Walker: sorry ma'am, i get excited around actors. i take on their nervousness. what's in the three bowls?

Carly: why lime-green M&Ms, an IN N OUT burger, and the cancer pill. preparing to knock em dead?

Walker: no, i don't want to go back to prison.

Kourtney: ready for your bit part?   

Walker: yes ma'am. wait bit part or big part?

Walker puts on his galoshes while smoking Gauloises.

Jen R: Gauloises come from Maryland...

Walker: i can't pronounce that. i'm not cool like that animal Serge Gainsbourg, that tiger tempest in a teacup. can i just call these cigs fancy frenchies?

Carly: *staring at the cigarettes* gimme back my french fries!!!

a torn McDonald's bag lays bare on the sad stage floor.

Kourtney: you can't tell mom about us, okay?

Carly: wait you're fucking the daughter AND the mom?!!!

Walker: yeah, All in the Family, i did it as a tribute to Rob Reiner.

Carly: Billy Crystal did it better.

Edgar Allan Poe: everyone assumes i was from Baltimore but i really hail from Boston. i started the Boston accent...

Brett Somers: i like the Maine drawl better.

chocolate skin: Chi-town skin, sumptuous, essence. 

Basquiat: was i really the only black artist of note? that's a SAD commentary on society. creole, man, creole.

Survivor: how the fuck did this show survive for so long?!!!

me: do you know why we get along? you challenge me.

Jen R: to a game of foosball?

Krist Novoselic: i played a character named Jeff on As the World Turns, there wasn't internet back then but the world went NUTS when the writers wrote me off in a car accident.

Hillel Slovak: the Red Hot Chili Peppers were an '80s band...

Jen R: okay i discovered something i like more than Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

me: what.

Jen: ketamine cream.

Lucio Rossi: it doesn't matter, the fact is Italy beat the United States. IN BASEBALL!!! you can never take that away.

America: doesn't count, you were playing that Super Mario Baseball where Yoshi's bat is his tongue that stretches and wraps around the entire stadium.

China: we invented pizza...

Ronald McDonald: no the clown-alley burgers are in San Francisco...

Shamrock shake: the Grimace shake but green in the '80s...

Big Arch: it's mealy but pepper on the bun.

Ronald McDonald: we want it to be a meal, not mealy. we want our patrons to get value, not vomit.

Jalen Brunson: i'm Basquiat if he had lived and became a basketball player. with Benedict of the Bull...

Michael Jordan: ...

Michael Jordan: i could have been had on a streetball court...

soccer Spurs: we need to move to San Antonio...

Rebecca Lowe: i want to fuck Gary Neville but i can't do it at work. 

Gary Neville: in a Milan pub?

Trent Reznor: see kinda i want to is cool. if i had made it kind of i wanna, that would have been awkward.

Hugh Grant interviewing Timothee Chalamet on the Oscars Red Carpet.

Hugh Grant: who are you wearing?

Timothee Chalamet: bra.

Hugh: did you have to master the double reverse-inverse upside-down paddle grip for your latest picture?

Timothee: bro for the last time the movie is about ping pong. move on.

Hugh: i play pickleball. picture me on a pickleball court in the English countryside in my pickleball pants being grumpy.

George Clooney with a concerned look on his face gives George Pennacchio a bear hug.

George Clooney: don't kill yourself, George. we love you.

George Pennacchio: i know. it's just.........i get gloomy...

George Clooney: nobody cares about film anymore, i get it. life is shit now. we gotta get back to watching those international short films to learn life lessons about American life. we gotta carve some time out of the day, skip your kid's play to watch a movie.   

Geordie bird: a Newcastle lass who wears a visor...

Oscars: just eat popcorn for dinner, it'll be easier...

Hormel tamales: finger tamales.

Walker is at the footlights mirror in his jeans sweating into his golden mane.

Anthony Kiedis: it's more than just a read-through. study the stage. study the dimensions of the stage.

Carly: you look cute.

Kourtney: but i'm not wearing a costume.

Carly: you look like '80s club Madonna. oh yeah that's right, understudies will never get work as long as i'm alive. Walker i'd like you to meet Bob and Carol, the oldest married couple in the United States who still do theatre.

Walker: they look like my mom and dad.

Bob: the love of my life got me out of military service in WWII and for that i am eternally grateful.

Carol: i'm actually the SECOND love of his life. you know when we all die and go to heaven, i wonder about that, do you stay with your first or second love?

Bob: ALL em.

Carol: young man is that cum in your ear?

Walker: i'm not supposed to say.

Carly: no i was showing him how to apply stage makeup to his face.........he obviously failed his Hamnet audition...

WEDDING PRACTICE: I THINK OF YOU OFTEN

 

Jen R: ready for the party?

me: the practice is the party.

Jen: i think we got it all down. even Shakespeare was an advocate for the freeform style.

me: is the altar nailed down?

Jen: time for you to nail a commitment out of me.

me: what are we thinking for the vows?

Jen: i think of you often.

me: aw, that's nice, but what are we thinking for the vows?

Jen open-hand slaps me across the face.

Jen: numbnuts.

me: lovetap.

Shirley Manson: can i be the wedding band? i'm a solo act now...

Jen: feta cheese in the Italian wedding soup, don't think just do...

Harbor Freight: you really don't want to be going to any parking lot where Harbor Freight is holding a parking lot sale...

Isiah Thomas: i'm not just saying that to get under Michael's sumptuously chocolate skin.

Michael Jordan: let's just say i was a fan of the Live song "Top" but in reverse...

Isiah: Kareem is the GOAT, i'm sorry, but i mean who does the skyhook anymore?!!!

Timothee Chalamet: that was supposed to be a private-party comment at Conan's house. it's JK Rowling all over again!!! shit, why do i have to talk? i ballet every time i have sex with your mom, that's not a middle-school-bully insult, that actually happens. fine, i'll do a movie version of the opera Euridice in which i play Elizabeth Zharoff.

Jess Pegula: you hate yourself on the inside but you think i'm hot. like that host of The American Chase...

Jess: you even think my shoulder tattoo is reasonable.

Shorey Wesen: i'm tasting cream in my mouth.........from my ride or die.

friend: the Boston recipe for love.

Tootsie Roll Pops: Tortoise Roll Pops...

Bikram: my speedo is the Eighth Wonder of the World. 

Melissa Maker: i don't mind if you kiss like a hoover.

Portland: you're my soulmate.

NYC: i'm too big for you. 

Portland: let's both use bicycles in unusual ways.

Bela Lugosi: it's a challenge to do an entire movie in one hour...

Dormeo: how did you sleep last night?

Kurt Cobain at the mall: ...

Gina Gershon: i got PTSD from making Showgirls.

Elizabeth Berkley: and an STD. sorry. i thought we were on the pill but it was a caffeine pill...

Jen: you know marriage is a commitment.

me: i thought we were doing a play here.

Jen: it's not easy. it's not lovey-dovey. you know what marriage is? it's STARTING OVER. like Sylvia Villagran. every day from square one. each new day is your first date all over again. everything previous has been forgotten, VANISHED, like it never happened. thin air. you have to SHOW you love the person, not TELL her, for the first time.

Iyanla Vanzant: but what if you're a handsy mute?

Jen: if this doesn't work out you could always be a stage director. 

me: or a funeral director. 

Jen: pizza in the parlor!!!

me: not to brag but i look good in black. this marriage will be good practice for me, i've never been on a date...

WEDDING PRACTICE: NO CHOCOLATE AT A WEDDING?

 

me: what are we doing for wedding favors? 

Jen R: can i say little baggies of pot?

me: no but i like the little baggies part.

Jen: little baggies of Tootsie Roll Pops!!! like 2 lollipops in a bag i guess. you know what i discovered recently?

me: i hate the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops.

Jen: right? they're redundant. nobody eats the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops, i usually put them in a BIG bag and stash them in the cupboard lost forever. but yesterday i bought a bag at Safeway and there was not ONE chocolate pop!!! the FBI is finally listening to us.

me: are you sure it wasn't a Fedco?

Kara Swisher: on my new CNN show Kara Swisher Wants to Live Forever i'm riding a motorized bicycle without a helmet to show that it's safe but more importantly the theme song's gonna be "Tomorrow" by Silverchair changing the lyrics to I wanna live forever...

Anderson Cooper: the Iranian Guard is like what the Indianapolis Colts were to Tom Brady during Deflategate...

Match Game: it is every '70s housewife's dream to kiss Fred Grandy.

Fred Grandy: i used to be cool until i ran for Congress.

Gary Kroeger: i BARELY lost to him in Iowa.

Fred Grandy: the '70s were all about house parties on boats...

Barbie: i had a creepy face when i debuted. i was like if Wilma Flintstone had angry eyes that were real.

Father Navin practicing the wedding homily: Stars Hollow has no police. let us all aspire to be Stars Hollow...

Guy Fieri catering the wedding: my middle name is Ramsay because i was BORN to be a food guy!!! i shouldn't be from Ohio, i should be from Florida, i'm the original Florida Man.

me: and what for the appetizer before the big salad?

Jen: for me or the guests? oh. chicken noodle soup, why water-down a classic?

me: WITH chicken nuggets? isn't that too much meat?

Jen: we want our wedding drapes to be PORKY after the dancing is through.

Meals on Wheels catering the wedding: no one eats the soups...

at the ring ceremony to the wedding.

Gollum: ring not rigged...

Lord of the Rings: if you like this, you won't be receiving a wedding ring in your life...

Frodo and Sam: no rings for us. we're not gay, it's one of those British male heroic friendships. 

Frodo: if anything i'm SAM'S gardener...

Olive Oyl: Popeye, why don't you have your Popeye arms anymore?

Popeye: i got spinach in my teeth. i got embarrassed. i really love your 1930s design, Olive, you're sexily slim.

Olive Oyl: i still love you, Popeye. i still love hugging you. even if my arms are bigger than your arms now.

Mary Ann Caliento: i play tennis on a island, emotionally and physically. tennis is a solitary sport, and there's only one tennis court at the back of my apartment complex...

Mary Ann: the Encino Hills are themselves an island. i'm moving in this colander i got at Fedco today into my place.

Disneyland: as long as your family hasn't left you...

Philip Bump: i need a bump of cocaine to navigate Washington these days.

Rudy Giuliani: if i had just been the nominee instead of Trump, i'd still be normal today.

Learner Tien at Indian Wells: i may still live with my parents, but i SCHOOLED Ben Shelton whose girlfriend isn't that hot.

Joe: did you wake up with a cup of coffee? why scientists say that is a bad idea.

me: and for the cake? 

Jen: get this, THREE Philadelphia Cream Cheesecakes!!! stacked. 3 of those pies on a totem.

me: that is DECADENT which is why i love it. but you know, i'm not really into cream cheese.

Jen: not even in eggs? Blanche's eggs? get your jawn together, man.

me: what is a jawn exactly?

Jen: it's like the elbow, right?