MATT AND SKYLAR: KEEP TAHOE BLUE

 

Skylar: we're gonna need snacks.

Matt: God thing we work at Safeway. my truck;s bed is bod bought to hold our Cke.

Matt places a rectangular carton of 12 MINI Cooke cans in the back of the trucks. that;s all tails in the back.

Skylark what's this?

Matt: of that's a large 30[sound boss of Tode detergent I;ve hold o not the towing hook. it;s My Tide tow,

Fault b pa you never know when you;LL need a clean pair of racers, that goes for both men and women, now let;s get the fact our of here.

on the wet tray. Finale driving. Matt in the passenger;s can seat.

Kate; you never told me you had a son.

Mattel yeah, he lives in Alabama. or was it rains as? maybe, I don't know. I Dom;t know if I have a son.

Star: ups OST you dontl see ;Ile the type of person who would have ever had sex, you know? the mournful opener with the sal=and paper hair and grey windbreaker.

MattL those road trip is among me feel apt again. t makes me think of ku a rote song Sshin Onlkisn :I of the Mprunong." our that song o the truck radio.

fault https a big as, Atlas na scissor errors, maybe Matt infield will do it for me. yeah that's a road song if I ever heard one. oy about wh I'll organ cm whole f form college the fits time alc to s hometown in the 90s and hos terete was rested, Eeyore had left, abandoned dam, is on; fiend stile hi bike after voting the or out of the toes, his prom gorgeous fumed him, and he;s wondering if he mad eh eight life path choice.

Mattel that;s hwy I never went t clege, I'd Eddie to use tad perk t dewayne for 74 rears. I I'll never know what it's like to be in Ana attic.

Capo cruongl

MATT AND SKYLAR: MIDDLE-AGED MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

 

Skylar is dealing with a bully at Safeway.

Skylar: this is my place of work, not a nightclub.

Aron pointing to his cheek: do you see this sprawling monk beard of mine? i'm sorry, babe, but technically that makes me your manager, you work UNDER me, you gotta do anything i say. hey, i don't write the rules, Thomas Jefferson wrote the Safeway Constitution.

Matt: yeah right, dud. and the Safeway Constitution is in a scroll in a locked vault safe in Joe's shirtpocket.

Skylar: oh thank heaven, hey Matt, an oasis of calm in the chaos. Matt is Lake Tahoe.

now Matt was not known for outbursts like this, he NEVER made a scene. Matt's voice was the low whisper of lifelong pain. his hound-dog face was so forlorn, so morose, it made Eeyore smile.

Aron: stay out of this, Matt, i have glasses, you have an L.L. Bean parka. Skylar, why are you stocking the shelves like you care? like this is your house. you know the Safeway way. we don't carry the good batteries, we don't carry AAs, we carry F batteries. SWEEP UP THIS SHIT!!!

Skylar: Aron, listen to me the way Aron from the Bible listened to his mother's burning bush: we are never going to fuck.

Aron: THE DORITOS TIP!!! 

Skylar: what?

Aron: DO IT NOW!!!

Matt comes in like a ninja, he pokes Aron's nuts HARD with the pole of his broomstick. Aron's balls are on fire. Aron crunches into a heap on the waxed linoleum floor of the Safeway.

Matt: you sweep. stock to your nuts. i'm not a fighting man. i stay in my corner. but you can't dishonor the Dorito. that Dorito triangle on the floor was so tiny it was bigger than your scruffy dick. that's a triangular mote of dust, not the holy Triforce of Zelda.

Jaleel White: watching me host a gameshow is more relaxing than yoga.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

Raine Maida: this documentary of our marriage is Once but in real life.

Chantal Kreviazuk: it's The Before Trilogy in real life.

me: seeing private behind-closed-doors couples therapy up close is OVERWHELMING for me because i will never SNIFF having a family of 5 like this.

Melissa Maker: isn't Canada's ice solid?

Chantal: Raine, our love is glacial right now. like this weather.

Chad Reynolds: couples therapy is so Canadian.

couples therapist: you are two musical geniuses, but to me you're just a garbage man and a maid who cleans the barmaid's house.

Raine: careful, doc, whatever you say here will become my song lyrics.

Chantal: the only time people smoke anymore is after sex...

walk-in tub: because a nursing home is too expensive...

Gladyce: the dishwasher farts when it's done.

Australian tennis fans: we ONLY like the Australian Open.

The Lipton Man: i'm a skier. imagine the fresh powder, Mount Everest but instead of the snow and the ice-glacier avalanches the mountain is covered only in iced-tea mix powder...

playing Hearts at theatre camp the summer between 8th Grade and high school: at Age 13 i learned about tricks...

Dr. Robbins filling out the forms, checking the box: there's a sameness to mental illness...

David Lynch: free to think ANY THOUGHT.........even that one...

Michael Weiss: hey don't send me any more of your reels!!! send me money.

Bjork: please rename Iceland Bjorkland. thank you.

Gary Numan: it may be 9AM to you, but it's 3PM to me...

Martin Yan: ain't got time for no sausage sides.

Lady in the Radiator: i'm the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's mom...

Skylar: thanks for this morning.

Matt says nothing. he stays stonefaced.

Skylar: hey can you help me with my checker counter? all of these drawers, which one has the key? which one has the credit-card slidebutton?

Matt: i'm not looking at your top drawer.

Skylar: come on, it's okay to sneak your peek, i'm wearing a very nice '70s brown striped shirt.

Matt: it's the bottom drawer. i have the key. wait let me reach down to reach it. i'm not looking at your bottom drawer, i swear. this damn key is rejiggering as it jangles. THERE, it's open. okay FINE, that took too long, i got a NICE BIG VIEW of your big butt. my nose entered your butt and i smelled your butt. accidentally of course. your butt is INSANE. i want to SQUEEZE your butt like Snuggle the bear's last roll of Charmin toilet paper. 

Saturday Night.

Lorne Michaels: see that fresco painted inside Rockefeller Center above the '70s lime-green lounge carpet? it depicts Fidel Castro handing the nuclear codes to JFK...

Oliver Stone: because JFK won...

Andy Kaufman by a taxi: don't worry, this isn't going to be a layered Jim Carrey performance, it's just me doing silly accents.

Lorne Michaels: Tesla invented the light bulb, Edison invented spaghetti.

Sherry Stringfield: SNL is sketch-comedy ER. i didn't leave Dr. Mark Greene, the train stalled out of frame. typical Union Station!!!

Kaia Gerber: where's Pete Davidson?...

zipper dinner: you can't eat at a nice steak restaurant until your pants are a button-fly...

Michael O'Donoghue: who was the bigger asshole, me or Chevy Chase? my assholery came from being a brilliant writer, Chevy was just a pretty boy. John Belushi was a kind humble genius.

Jim Henson: where did the '60s go? they're already gone? that's depressing. this is my light side, my dark side is Andy Kaufman. Big Bird hung himself in my dressing room because nobody really TALKED to him.

me: this pains me, but i love Jen R more than even YOU IN 1975.

Laraine Newman: should i powder my nose?

David Tebet: Gentile still means something. my last name is a Jewish month.

purchased company: Instagram friends but real. it's lonely on a Saturday night when you're talking to a giant Ticonderoga pencil. 

Hannibal Buress: remember when i was on your show?

Bill Cosby: ...

Hannibal Buress: the '90s show, not the '80s show...

Jack Tripper: Vicky and i had a daughter in Season 4. her name is Halloween Snow. i'm gonna go into the bistro and cry now...

Jen R: i need to get laid.

me: can i help?

Jen R: i'm sorry, "laid" is such an ugly word. a crude word. it doesn't fit. i'm not picturing love, i'm picturing an ostrich egg in a nest of lettuce.

Robbie Mustoe: i was in Sheffield Wednesday football club, does that impress you?

Rebecca Lowe: if you had said you were Wednesday from The Addams Family, THAT would have impressed me. i was goth in high school...

Christopher Walken: honestly DVD was the last great medium, the best medium, the only medium, there didn't need to be any more. i'm an Oscar actor. on the DVD menu you can mute the faint sound of cowbell in the background in every Severance episode...

Go See Cal: the money down is 1st down, not 3rd down. no money down.

Jerry Jones gets up on stage under his own power to accept his Academy Award for Best Actor.

Jerry Jones: the Cowboys suck shit. but i don't care anymore. this Oscar proves i am a better actor than Deion Sanders.

Aron at closing time: Skylar, i used your paycheck for today to pay for my penis bandage. 

Skylar: i get paid on Thursdays, numbnuts, both meanings of numbnuts.

Matt and Skylar outside.

Matt: what's all this?

Skylar: oh, i bought up all the chorizo pepperoni in the store because i know that's Aron's favorite. 3PM. huh. when do you stop working?

Matt: stop working? i can't afford to stop working.

Skylar: you're giving grey vibes. an aura of grey all around. ah, is this it? the famous Mattmobile!!! i see it each morning parked by its lonesome on the way other side of the parking lot in the corner.

Matt: it's just my car. an old broken-down blue Ford pickup truck with a red stripe for a cab door. i'm trying. 

Skylar: i should be going straight to school now from here. but i've lost my drive to succeed. can you give me a drive?

Matt: sure. you live around here?

Skylar: where are you going?

Matt: what do you mean?

Skylar: come on, we both need a vacation from the dead-end black hole of this place. somewhere they don't know us. can't check up on us.

Matt: Tahoe?

Skylar: you read my mind.  

 

NINTENDO THE MUTE: EATING QUARTERS

 

Nintendo hands me an empty Arrowhead 5-gallon sparkling distilled water barrel from the 1980s at the coin-cash.

me: i don't get it.

Nintendo: you will never get jugs. this barrel was FILLED TO THE SPOUT with quarters. arcade quarters. I ATE ALL THE QUARTERS.

me: but why?

Nintendo: that's where i derive my power. see i eat all these arcade coins and i DISAPPEAR because i'm traveling at the speed of light. i go halfway around the world in 0.5 seconds. i just went to Africa and back, you didn't notice. because now i'm a video-game character in real life. at the push of a button. at the slightest slant of a joystick. in exchange i give up speaking, vocalizing my thoughts to the outside world.

me: like every video-game player.

Bob Uecker: watch the Mr. Belvedere episode where my daughter prevents a man from becoming a monk by fucking him on prom night, it's a heartwarming classic. outside and to the right. it's just as well, i don't get the modern world, a woman makes a billion dollars by just BEING a family on YouTube? i don't get it...

cookie: eat the cookie BEFORE you do the dishes...

cap o' rushes: a really cool Rush hat you wear backwards.

Chad Reynolds: scarecrows aren't scary.

Billy Corgan: i hate pumpkin pie. i prefer jack-o'-lantern pie.

Fat Albert "Soft Core".

Bill Cosby: get good information on porn and love from your school nurse, NOT from me.

Fat Albert "Gang Wars".

Fernando: i died. i was a kid who didn't end up having a lemonade stand. they showed the gun. remember, this was a G-rated cartoon in the 1970s...

Hoda: happy.

Jack Nicholson playing tennis on his private court on the Witches of Eastwick set: when i play tennis, i wear a bucket hat like Andre Agassi.

TikTok: people SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS to save TikTok, that's what life is now.

Instagram: you chose the wrong app to post your life story...

McDonald's: we don't serve triple cheeseburgers. 

Wimpy, Popeye's on-again/off-again friend: your burgers are wimpy. the Big Mac is flat.

Popeye: i derive my strength not from spinach but from a magic bird.

Magic Johnson and Larry Bird: ...

Wimpy: you pat the pet bird on the head?

Popeye: no, i flip you the bird to feel better about myself and my shitty sailor life.

Julie Patzwald at the goth cemetery: the ground you walk on now will be your roof tomorrow. that hits like a STINGER.

Catherine of The Royal Family: i married well, don't hate.

Saraband.

Henrik: daughter, don't kiss me in the mouth the way your mother did, it's weird.

Karin: too late, father, there's a bubble in my mouth...

Richard Dreyfuss: what is this, Mr. Holland's Swedish not Dutch Opus? 

concertmaster: it really is just a title.

Liv Ullmann: you're a character in some old boring forgotten black-and-white movie.

Ingmar Bergman: yeah, like my first movie.

Johan: yes, i am Mumm-Ra. the reason is the reason.

Johan: it was a sticky love. which is the purest of the loves.

Billy Corgan: disdain is a very Smashing Pumpkins word.

meanwhile at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Karin on stage: my grandpa took my nose.

Johan: i'm too small for this anxiety. and too tall to play soccer.

Liv: Johan, remember our first bed? it was the size of a Tom & Jerry matchbox.

Liv: Johan and i went to Florence. it was like when Bergman and Bogart went to Paris...

at the sanitarium.

Liv: because i was Karin's mom for two hours, i could finally let go and for the first time be Martha's mom for life. i could touch my baby. my kid is crazy just like me. granddaughters are fun, daughters are hard.

Martha: mom, let's go back to a life of hope, let's go back to when life was good, the '80s, when it was just you and me, no messy men.

Liv: nothing beats Ingmar Bergman hugging you from behind one last time...

Ingmar: i admit, this is a watery ending...

Ingmar: this ending will make you cry like a baby...

Ingmar Bergman: at least i didn't at the 11th hour reverse MY LIFE'S THINKING just because i was on my deathbed like that wimp Sartre.

Ingmar Bergman: when i died, hope died.

Ingmar Bergman: we all dance through life, each day.

me: see? this is all i wanted out of our relationship. one MOMENT of atmosphere.

Jen R: okay we're here. i parked the car in the empty parking lot of a Round Table Pizza in West Covina. in the pouring rain. i drove us out here in my dusty-green 1970s Volkswagen Rabbit without tire chains using only my stick shift. 

me: what's on the car radio? 

Jen: "Della Brown" by Queensryche. 

me: it's not about sex, it's about a memory of love.

Jen: you can only have me if the pizza in there is pineapple. when we enter, me soaked and you dripping drenched, you remain in the background as i approach the knight in the suit of armor. as i slap the knight's metal butt HARD a few times. armor amor.

me: was choking a thing in Medieval sex?

Storybook International "Cap-o'-Rushes".

Lisa Vanderpump: i can't enforce my Rules yet, i'm but a lowly fresh-faced scullery maid. 

Jennifer Pizarro: that Cap-o'-Rushes Hat is the hat i wear for EVERY PART i play at the Forest Theatre...

me: remember how you were Sleeping Beauty after every time we fucked?

Jen P: that's Cinderella with child...

me: can't find my love. no way to contact her. wondering if i'll ever see her again. sound familiar? and i don't have a long dog.

Jen R: Cap-o'-Rushes and i are twinflames. just don't go flaming that hat of hers...

Jennifer Pizarro: a ring is a phone number...

cooks from that British show Chef!: make the young master a Caesar salad, use this BIG BOWL OF WOOD to make the anchovy crouton.

Cap: see, daddy? meat needs salt. 

king: no it doesn't, you stupid girl, not if it's Steak-Umms!!! what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?

Goody Paul at The Weather Channel: clippers and thunder.........these are weather events, i hate basketball...

Honey: bananas.

me: doing your Safeway shopping?

Honey: no, the world in 2025 is bananas.

University of Maryland: earn you degree simply by working as a waiter in a Starbucks at night!!!

Jen R: right? i earned my degree there by being an underwater glassblower at night.

me: in what?

Jen R: Rinvoq Sciences.

The Hobbit: i'm tired of walking on foot. i'm going to Paris in a Winnebilbobago.

Julie Patzwald: still alive for 2025? you're doing better than me.

Parliament: it's a thin line between love and hate.........wanna go on a date?...

Michael Weiss: thank you for all the pics and videos on Instagram you sent me. sorry, that's all i got...

dotless: impossible.

Julie Patzwald: Dotless, good name for a goth band.

Animaniacs: ...

Danielle Collins in the Australian Open: a big fat $180,000 cheque for only me. CoCo Vandeweghe can suck my cunt.

CoCo Vandeweghe: that's why i became your coach.

Danielle Collins, bowing mockingly: and so i thank you, rude boisterous obnoxious drunk Australian tennis fans. for booing me. if you're Australian, you're a drunk. i slap my butt like Bulma in your honor. the thing is, i thought i retired...

horoscope: for the first time in your life, one of your friends will be your wife...

at the Safeway counter.

Nintendo: okay i'm ringing you up. that's 1 egg block, 1 pound raw meat massaged with salt rub, 1/2 honey banana, 6 count honeycrisp apples...

me: no, i only drink honeycrisp JUICE, not the apples. why is it that you can talk only TO ME? that only I can hear you? that only you can hear ME?

Nintendo: i was born to be your friend.

David Lynch: fucking fires. oh well, i see everything in Dune Blue now. Dune Blue is all around me now, enveloping my dot...

David Lynch: you see Mars up there? that's me waving. have a hot mustard soup with cold Pringles in my honor. dance, laugh, think with freedom. all film scenes should be an hour long. i was the American Ingmar Bergman. i understood the nuances of the creative process better than anyone. the dark corners of your mind, the recesses out to lunch. Lynch out to lunch, the surreal storyteller. that Eraserhead ending still sends chills down your neck hair. there is no afterlife, but then i died, and i created the afterlife...

 

NINTENDO THE MUTE: PURE UMAMI

 

me: i crave quiet. i seek silence.

Nintendo: being a mute is not the same thing. it's a hard life.

me: omg i discovered BRUSCHETTA!!! you know? sun-dried tomatoes, tapenade, better than spaghetti sauce, it's like pure unfiltered umami, i love how OILY it is, it's so damn unctuous.

Nintendo: yeah i know. trust me, you'll get tired of it after the fourth can serving. what cut of artichoke do you dream of?

me: only the crowns, i never got into the hearts.

Nintendo: who do you think you are, a prince who doesn't have to wear pants? it's because you HAVE no heart. do you feel for others?

me: that takes me back. summer ugly-theater-kid camp in the '80s. the only card game we played was Hearts. Bob Barker petting our parrots backstage. Hearts is so sumptuous, it's the only tavern game that can bring weirdos together.

Nintendo: Sticky Thirteens is that initiation i did at Woodland Hills Tech.

me: i discovered putting artichokes in spaghetti.

Nintendo: i mean none of this is new. i put artichokes in my fiesta chicken.

JUST THEN Matt and Skylar come into the Safeway hands locked.

me: what's going on with those two?

Nintendo: it's better than the internet. 

Nintendo shouts over.

Nintendo: HEY YOU GUYS!!! wanna go to the Super Bowl in New Orleans?

before Matt can get out his broomstick he uses as a bat, the couple has disappeared. then reappear again.

Skylar: holy fuck that was a CLOSE game!!! and i hate football.

Matt is wearing beads on his penis.

me: how'd you do that?

Nintendo: Friday.

me: you get paid Friday?

Nintendo: both meanings.

me: i've noticed all the Super Bowl New Orleans merch already on the shelves!!! that is HILARIOUS. Super Bowl New Orleans paper plates, Super Bowl New Orleans napkins, Super Bowl New Orleans plastic sporks, a Super Bowl New Orleans fishing rod...

Steve Kerr: i was the clutch field-goal kicker of the Bulls. i was the Adam Vinatieri of the Bulls.

Concrete Charlie: when Charlie Brown gets REALLY angry.

Lucy van Pelt: i am Lars von Trier's daughter, that makes some sort of sense, right? the metaphor of the football. moving the goalposts of life. the darkness within. save UCLA from the fires.

Michael Weiss: the Instagram heart emoji denotes platonic love...

Saraband.

Ingmar Bergman: my monologues watch over you. my monologues cover you in glory. my monologues are severe.

Ingmar: my first book was Kierkegaard, hence my career. imagine if my first book had been Robert Crumb... 

Henrik: dad i know you love books, but this is not your university attic-office, you're just a hoarder.

Johan: Marianne is gathering strawberries.

Ingmar: WILD strawberries...

Henrik: dad i need $100,000. look, when you made the decision to have a son, you guaranteed you'd end up penniless.

Henrik crying man tears: that's a little HARSH, dad. my book is big in America, not Japan. when i was 17 years old i got mad at you for eating my Big League Chew. 

Johan: why are cellos so fucking expensive? i'll carve a cello out of that tree out back!!! 

Henrik: not everything is with your bare hands, dad.

Ingmar: my favorite place, a church.

Henrik: the organist is expecting, her name is Mrs. Talbot.

me: i became a handicap when dad died.

Jen R: no, you were a handicap before.

me: Jen, i see you coming through the gate, on a foggy windless autumn morn, you're wearing denim.

Jen R: no that's Brooke Shields.

Kobe: the church candles look like a basketball.

Liv Ullmann: Jesus had a son?...

Freud: i smoked Swisher Sweets. 

Ingmar: aging is an illness. but it's better than the alternative, immortality is unseemly.

Uppsala: down the lakehouse.

letter: I was impressed with the young musician. she had a nice butt in those beige jeans and deceptively big tits.

Liv: life is not a chore, Ingmar was always smiling.

Ingmar: i enjoyed the dusting. the best part of our marriage was the dusting.

Abbot Butt: you can't be older than 22.........to be a monk...

Anna: i never wanted to live in Sweden. i wanted to live in Iraq.

Young Artist Concert: hosted by the girl from LazyTown.

Karin at the MTV Video Music Awards: thank you for this Young Artist Spaceman. i'd like to thank Milli Vanilli, Quincy Jones, Stradivarius for being jealous of me, and my dead mama Anna for giving me God.

Katy Tur, Pacific Palisades-born and raised: my first job was at Pali Pizza...

Sailor Moon: Japanese Barbie and Friends...

Talia the cat: i cry like a human baby, i really want milk.

me: don't leave your best friend hanging.

Jen R: my daughter smashed my phone.

me: it's just, the fire thing. you know? the fire thing was your thing...

Blossom on Night Court: remember, ever since the Christmas episode which saved us, whenever there's a new episode of Night Court, we all take two Vanquish...

Patrick McEnroe: i had to go to speech therapy to help me with my Ss. i had a hard time uttering my Ss.

John McEnroe: you were Solid Snake?

Patrick using his thumbs: while you were off starhumping with Bjorn Borg, the nuns disappeared me for five years.

Daniil Medvedev in the Australian Open: so i just got done playing a match that started at 2AM and finished at 7AM.........i am not happy...

me: my dream is to be at a Nottingham Forest home game in the stands for a soccer match next to Jules Smith. kissing Jules Smith. a soccer snog.

Jules Smith: we're wearing matching Notts soccer scarfs.

me: is it scarfs or scarves?

Jules Smith: scarfs sounds better. the fresh misty smell of the pitch green-grass.

me: it never has to be watered, it's raining in the UK right now...

Lorne Michaels: why couldn't SNL be off until after the Super Bowl in New Orleans? first show back the 50th Anniversary. my performers need a REST. my clowns are spent. my hacks need a recoup.

Ms. Krause: my favorite word is amid.

dad: i don't believe in coincidences, i believe in signs. there are no palatial estates except a Storybook International palatial estate.

Learner Tien in the Australian Open wearing a Dragon Ball Z Starter jacket: i have two eyes. i'm in training to get three eyes...

Nintendo: but you're right, i do enjoy the silence, like when i'm working the bakery. 

me: i love that place, went with Jen all the time, used to. does Squeaky still work there?

Nintendo: the guy who looks like if Ian Curtis was fat? yes.

Nintendo: it was a morning as any other and Squeaky was sweating.

Squeaky: i hate my shift, i have to take ALL the donuts from out behind the glass box and lay them on this rolling tray, for no reason. and then put them back. just leave them in there. and then they told me i had to separate the wet donuts from the dry donuts before lunch. i'll never get that done before lunch.

me: yeah why are Safeway donuts SQUARE DONUTS?

Nintendo: it's very simple. they do it for me. in the soundless of the busy store i close my eyes to see. i can see inside the donuts like an X-ray. only i can see this. the donuts with the gold coin in them are the wet donuts because they're happy. wet dough like wet humans is happy dough.

me: Mario blocks, classic.

Nintendo: the quiet helps me concentrate. it's not about time, i don't give a fuck about no dated timecard you punch. i punch my timecard in the nuts.