we're back at the pond.
Julia Child: look up at the sky. the sky is life's kitchen.
i start to cry.
me, blubbering: that cloud looks like Jen.
Julia Child THWACKS me in the face with a ladle.
Julia: in my defence, young man, a wood ladle hurts less than a spatula.
me: i'm sorry. but i'll never shake Jen.
Julia: then snort some Shake N Bake, which is cheap cocaine. i'll wait.
Julia Child: okay okay look DOWN then. see the glistening pond we're a part of?
me: glorious.
Julia: what do you see?
i hesitate to tell Julia Child that at this very moment a wee Shetland pony is gracefully galloping across the surface of the pond.
Julia: people think the water is clear. but it's actually orange water.
back in her kitchen Julia gives me a stern scolding that prepares me for life.
Julia Child: it's breakfast. two sizzling pans, pour two circles of pancake batter in each.
me: buttermilk?
Julia: wheatgerm, like you, young man, you're a germ. then turn the pancakes to the right to the left like a DJ's records.
me: what if you're not musically inclined? what if you're bookkeeping-inclined?
Julia: there are gonna be days, son, when your lunch will suck. but you still gotta eat lunch. sometimes lunch will be a pack of crisps. sometimes just the MICROSCOPIC CUBES of chicken in your soup count as your meat.
Julia Child fixes my tie and straightens my shoulderpads.
Julia Child: there we are, cushty like a motherfucker. you have to go through with this interview to get into college, it's the only way to get BACK to freedom.
me: i'm so nervous i sweated into the soup.
Julia: that's YOUR soup, mine has CHUNKS of chicken. what's the #1 thing?
me: make the interview a tennis match.
Julia: no, grease. use your loaf. people forget this but always PULL UP YOUR PANTS JUST BEFORE any interview. otherwise you're bullpants. if you remember one thing remember this: if the college interviewer touches his zipper, run.
George Lowe: do you know why cool things like 2001 Adult Swim always seem to fade away? because people die...
Red Dwarf.
Lister: i have the perfect name, i listlessly travel through space...
sentient toaster: but you don't use Listerine, your breath stinks like a Skutter.
Kryten: come on, that's not nice, be nice like Max Headroom.
Lister: no i'm just a name on a list, an ordinary bloke on the ship's list. menial worker on the manifest. lowest rung. nothing special about me.
Rimmer: i'm the ship's Buddhist...
Red Dwarf theme song: it's the Sailor Moon theme song!!!
Red Dwarf Remastered: it looks worse...
Red Dwarf: low-stakes Doctor Who...
Julia Child: pastis is wine for pasta.
Claudine Pepin: what does anise taste like?
Julia: your anus. opium smoke coming out of toasted sesame seeds...
Claudine: my dad's a dolt. but he did take me to the Russian Tea Room when i was a teenager so whaddya gonna do?
Abby on Night Court (2025): wow, that was well done. and quite unexpected. they had me in a full-on glitter one-piece 1970s bodysuit with my tits hanging out dancing the John Travolta dance to seduce Jake. to get Jake back. turns out my ex-boyfriend REALLY HAD MOVED ON with a new woman. no Hollywood ending for Abby and Jake the destined perfect quirky couple meant for each other, meant to be together. the emotion i displayed on my face just there in that moment was REAL PAIN. that fucking hurt...
Jen R: my daughter is Gen Z.
Jen's daughter: i'm Jen Z.
Ramon Valdes: the Mexican Gallagher.
Shel Silverstein: ...
Sarah Becker from The Real World: my most fervent wish is that all who are isolated find others who are isolated. i wish i had been besties with Gene Hackman's wife.
Annie Adamson: me too. Gene Hackman was the star of Superman...
Val Kilmer: i drove my buddy Michael J. Fox's car, went back in time to the Real Genius set, wore a few Aztec robes, had tiny pickles thrown at me by a thousand screaming but naked women, constructed the cyberlung on that set, and made a concerted effort never to work with Tom Cruise ever nor play volleyball accidentally...
Wil Wheaton: don't worry, man, i got your back.
Trent Reznor: thanks.
Wil: yeah Elon Musk won't touch you as long as you got a phaser in your house.
Trent: Star Trek and my music are both cyberpunk.
Bulma: well, go.
Yajirobe: i can't fly.
Epstein from Welcome Back, Kotter: man that is such a lame excuse for a doctor's note.
Bulma: you'll fly after i fuck you, mister.
Yajirobe: i just want to be a baby daddy. i just want to change Trunks's diapers. his nappies. get baby powder all over my hands. raise Trunks into a fine young man.
Chandler Bing: the key to a fun Friendsgiving is me being alive. and potential hookups. and me asking when you're gonna get married.
Mario: but i'm not jumped-up. i earn my shroom trips.
Luigi: the green mushrooms are more a shroom high.
Mario: i'm not an upstart. i have a brick in my stomach.
Luigi: and i'm not jumped-up because i'm nice.
Trinity the cat: i make sure to sit on your leg so you can NOT turn off the lights...
pepperoni: i'm not chicken.
me: but both Baltimore blessings?
Lindy Lenz naked at Safeway: what are the chances? what are the odds? how odd. i was supposed to be your backup Jen. your failsafe Jen. your Jen in the pocket.
Jen R: i was your wife in this life.........for two months online...
Lindy: you were his wifi wife.
Lazarus: HAPKA!!!
Mark Hapka: nah nah nah, i wouldn't sanction a synthetic drug like that, i'd be more about distributing organic avocado toast to the masses.
Pati Jinich: can avocado toast NOT be organic?
me: i'm sorry you're cold.
Loungemind: but i'm not, i'm friendly. being homeless in Rome is not glamorous. i need food, shelter, and humor, not just art.
Elton John: i'm the only person in human history who THRIVED after a suicide attempt...
Thumbelina: the Lost plane was an Olane plane...
Melissa Maker at Safeway: you hear that? "You Can't Hurry Love."
me: Hall & Oates?
Melissa: The Supremes. isn't this song telling you something? isn't this a sign? are you willing to wait for me? you must wait as the Yiddish Bible says: enochs.
college interviewer: you align with me?
me: i align with you, sir.
the college interviewer laughs like that guy in The Warriors.
college interviewer: should Autumn continue pursuing Equinox even after 25 years of futility?
me: of course, soulmates are soulmates.
Autumn: twinflames.
college interviewer: should Equinox leave his wife and children for Autumn?
me: yes.
college interviewer: that's a no-brainer. that's no good here, we cultivate brains in college.
.........the college interviewer touches his zipper...