CUNNING FOLK: REMEMBER PENNIES?

 

Jen and i are at Disneyland.

Jen R: let's go to the gift shoppe.

me: in Main Street USA? but that's the worst land.

Jen: i know but that's the only place to get a penny anymore.

Jen: so they're selling Lincoln pennies for $5, that is so Disneyland.

me: you gotta go with the flow when you're at Disneyland, leave your wallet behind.

Jen: want this Dutch oven with Walt Disney's face on it?

me: omg look at the glass case below the tit on the wood statue of the Snow White witch.

Jen: it's a Wheel of Fortune tarot card. AND a Jeopardy tarot card!!!

me: Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek as a two-headed minotaur is unnerving.

Jen: and magical. i like how the divine wheel has a blue Daily Double wedge.

me: the wheel is surrounded by masonstone pebbles.

Ian Curtis on laxatives: Skyrizi, control is everything to me, love that song.

eggnog: spiked with spiced rum.

Chloe Fineman: ...

Prince: i came up with the whole drinking her bathwater thing.

Belle Delphine: thank you.

Prince: another man's wife...

Double Indemnity.

Barbara Stanwyck wearing silly sunglasses: we must stop meeting like this.

Walter: why? i love going to our local tiendita. 

Barbara: oh that's right you're a fan of Mexican food.

Jacques Pepin raising a glass: cooking with my daughter, cooking with my granddaughter, these are the things that feed my soul.

Rollie Wesen raising a baguette lightsaber: what about me?!!! come on, man, AGAIN?!!!

Vaporwave: the spacing of the letters and we're spacing to the chillwave groove.

Kevin Spacey in purple: don't be spacey, be spaced out.

Kevin Spacey: i'm fine. i'm a lounge singer in Cypress living my Lost in Translation life. i'm not homeless, i go from hotel to hotel...

Carson Daly: you're jealous of me, i know ALL the pop-culture things, man.

Instagram: we don't really care about your home business, just post stuff about fucking...

R.E.M. "Losing My Religion": it's about overthinking...

blowjob: take your socks off, man.

Martha Stewart: serve the Thanksgiving meal at 2PM, just in time for a new Family Guy...

Peter Griffin: nobody eats at 2PM. isn't 2PM cocktail hour?

Martha: you only eat at 2PM once a year. and that other time you were late to the Dodger game so you ate a long hot dog with Mary Hart.

Mary Hart: late lunch munch.

Millie Bobby Brown: my tattoo will say I KNOW.........Star Wars fans get it...

Dragon Ball: every series begins with a farmer...

belly dancer: ballet dancer...

Donald Duck is crying in the gift shoppe.

Jen R: what's wrong, Homefeather?

Donald Duck: i'm crying.

Jen: you'll get your feathers wet, Double D.

Donald Duck: i'm just thinking about where my life would have been now. had i not met Jack Tripper. Jack inspired me to be a sailor. a sailor not like Jack Tripper, a sailor the Navy could be proud of, not just another longshoreman male prostitute. 

me: hey Jen, can i get this LONG rainbow tornado lollipop?

Jen: those swerves are SEVERE.

Mickey Mouse: yeah don't get that swirly lollipop, it's hazardous to your health. either you'll choke or you'll lose your wife. i put it in Minnie's butt thinking her having a tail meant she had no butt.

Jen: honest mistake.

 

CUNNING FOLK: TELLING YOUR SOULMATE YOUR PROBLEMS

 

Jen R: just woke up. haven't washed my face or anything.

me: GUH you're cute.

David Duchovny: i have a small Richard Gere head.

Doctor Manhattan: when i look at my reflection, i see Iceman...

The Major from Ghost In The Shell: you tell me quiet, piggy? really? you pathetic president. are you even a NIN fan like the rest of us from the future?

Double Indemnity.

femme: i was the first fatale!!!

Fred MacMurray: you're a doll.

Barbara Stanwyck: FAO Schwarz?

Keyes: he died of a broken heart uh neck.

boss: Keyes, why are you wearing a vest and nothing else?

Trump: my office is the whole world...

Walter, pointing; THAT WOMAN IN THE BLACK VEIL, I FUCKED HER!!!

husband: i went out to the balcony of the observation caboose in a leg cast as a tribute to the skier Spalding Gray.

Michael Jackson: my name now is Prince...

Keyes: these are Stanford football plays, you wouldn't understand, Mr. Norton.

Kurt Cobain: suicide by steamboat? at Disneyland?

Keyes: got any bicarbonate copies of the policy? duplicates which requires triplicate signatures? i gotta stop eating hunks of concrete. wait a minute, i really could play Fred Flintstone...

Phyllis: i'm afraid i'm afraid, get me? all we have to do is lay low. but i gotta fuck you.

Walter: so i took Lola to La Fiesta restaurant. this was crazy but the only way to keep an eye on her was too have Lola live with me.........i really wasn't planning on this threesome at the start of this...

Mr. Jackson: he looked like Mr. Neff here, had that face of a lucky bastard who was munching on Hollywood gold. 

Mr. Jackson: osteopath means hooker. have you ever met a man who was SO HAPPY to go to court?!!!

NO DOGS, NO APRICOTS.

Mister Rogers: murder is like a trolley?

Walter: why'd you betray me, baby?

Phyllis: i'm a bad seed. i'm one of those supermodels who's messed up in the head.

Walter: i was gonna shoot you, but...

Phyllis: i didn't fire the second shot because i discovered love for the first time.

Walter: why shoot you? you're hot, it'd be a waste.

Keyes: the border? OH, so that's why you like that La Fiesta restaurant so much, you're a fan of Mexican food.

Keyes: you were like a son to me, Neff. can i call you Walt this one time?

Walter Neff: i'm too tired to cry.

Jen R: tomorrow will be a better day.

Lars von Trier: unlike my hero Ingmar Bergman, my films are a little bit more.........disgusting. Ingmar kept it classy.

lust: it's just passion...

Jen R: in the '70s, you didn't have a husband or wife or partner, you had a lover, that was hot.

Brett: smoking a cigarette.

Match Game 75: ...

CNR: i don't use CLR, i call a plumber...

November: around the time those annoying little pine needles start appearing in your kitchen, bed, coffee...

Match Game: all the women were expecting...

Jeff Buckley: there's just something about being barechested when you take that photo with your mother...

we're at the mall.

Jen R: i read your mind!!!

me: only you can probe my mind deeper than i can.

Jen: imagine FAO Schwarz in Hawaii.

me: where are we?

Jen: the mall. i got you the PERFECT Christmas gift.

me: OMG it's the Red Shoe Diaries complete-series box set!!! how'd you know?

Jen: do you know how hard it was to find that? you can't find that on Amazon. it's only available at a RadioShack in Downtown Oakland in the '90s.

CUNNING FOLK: FUNERAL INVITATIONS

Kurt Cobain is busy writing out his own funeral invitations. when he shows them to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, they are not amused.

Kurt Cobain: but it's funny, right? i mean it's something i would do.

Dave Grohl: yeah, now that i think about it, i picture in my mind YOU doing it, it's pretty hilarious. that is so you, so something you would do.

Krist Novoselic: the way the writing is all crazy on the margins and haphazard and squiggly lines and uncrossed Ts and undotted Is, scribbling down the page to a pool of nonsense words at the bottom, that is so you, Kurt!!!

Kurt: yeah i mean i gave you guys directions to the church i want, the funeral parlor i want, both must be purple rooms. it's all in fun, you know? funerals are fun, why does it all have to be so sad? so morose. let's make it a party. i'll be there at the front door greeting everyone who attends, shaking their hand.

smoke: HOW MANY TIMES has smoke cleared on Dragon Ball?...

Double Indemnity.

Kate Smith: because it shows you how to commit the perfect crime...

Fred MacMurray: no i'm not the guy in that black-and-white Cheerios commercial. Bosco chocolate milk? i was in that sitcom with the family dog Marmaduke... 

Barbara Stanwyck: i was an unattainable beauty. with a face that made Venus weep. but the sunglasses make me look goofy.

Woody Allen: why don't people like movies the way i do?...

all in: that's why you're so tired.

rheumatism: not really a thing after like 1949...

Ms. Krause: WHOA that's the Berkeley Library!!!

Fred: i may be drunk, i'm speaking into a macaroni.

Glendale: the finest ice cream trucks in the county!!!

Jen R: look at that GIRL swinging a baseball bat!!! that's unheard of in the '30s!!!

Barbara: just sunbathing with Bert.

red goldfish: crackers in the fishbowl.

Fred: you know, Bruce Springsteen?

Barbara wearing a honeysuckle anklet: you'll see in the trailer...

Barbara: you like waitress salad, Mr. Neff?

shadow of a revolver at the back of the car...

Edward G. Robinson: and i'm already a little man...

EGR: we're selling policies to bums like that guy from the band Live who let everyone down.

Jen R: remember when dames would call fellas "fresh" for coming on too strong? sigh.

Trump: remember, $50,000 in 1940 was like a million dollars today...

Jenna Jameson: straight between the eyes.........not cum...

Fred: so i rolled a few lines at the bowling alley. of cocaine. Johnny Rockets soothes my soul. my apartment's top floor is a garage... 

Barbara: my husband's out putting Tato Skins in the new well.

oughtn't: a tough word to say in noir rapid-fire.

Jen R: that precious moment after you've both declared your love for one another when you're aimlessly walking around the kitchen in a daze looking for wine glasses...

Tehachapi: Native American for "Tajin does not taste good."

Barbara: i just happened to be his wife's nurse...

David Stern: and now, to crook the house, the NBA has see-through gambling tables or something?...

Chinese checkers: in the '80s when you weren't good at Nok Hockey or Carom...

California hat: sunhat.

Stanford: we were BIG in the '40s...

James Dean: imagine me USC premed...

flounces: a jump at UCLA '80s summer drama camp.

Detective Conan: tiny little beige cards in the doorbell, who knew?!!!

Fred: i walked from my apartment to the Dietrichson house. it was 3000 miles but whatever.

observation berth: this train looks like Palm Springs!!!

Ford Model A engine: just needs a little warming up...

drugstore: where everybody went to eat.

Kurt gets up on the church stage and delivers his own eulogy.

Kurt Cobain: i know what you're all thinking. you and i started thinking the same thing about a week ago. you've noticed Elizabeth Banks before. but the way she is SO FUCKING HOT on Press Your Luck has blown all of our minds.

Melissa Maker: can you be just an OnlyFans foot model?...

Pitbull: i made John Travolta bald. Bruce Willis encouraged me...

Bruce Willis: i'm fine. turns out the afterlife is not big on hair.

John Travolta: i always wanted to play Moe from The Three Stooges.

Quentin Tarantino: internet funding isn't a thing anymore so to save money: me as Larry, no Shemp.

work email: how you get her home phone number...

Holt Hanley: nuisance rain is nuanced rain...

Chris Walken's would-be wife in The Dead Zone: when i made love to Chris Walken while married to that other man, those were scenes of GRACE.

light rain: it's a blessing.

Stephen King: i became a bestselling author as revenge when they didn't cast me in Clayface...

Eddie Murphy: so i was all ready for my first threesome with Yul Brynner and Kathy Lee, but i got stuck in Mister Robinson's Neighborhood!!! between two beige cardboard blocks. i was hoping since he was The King and I he'd send over one of those LONG SKINNY scaly dragonboats to fish me out of the projects sewer.

Kurt Cobain as he's shaking Jason Wade's hand by the entrance: i'm falling even more in love with you.

Jason Wade shaking Kurt's hand: thank you sir. hanging by a moment, i get it. you have a dark sense of humor, sir.

Kurt: please, call me Kurt. you know i just realized!!! people always ask me what is the Gen Z version of the Gen X band Nirvana? it's Lifehouse!!! how'd you come by that name anyway?

Jason: it's a Soundgarden-type name. 

Kurt: you got the blond hair and growly grunge voice and everything. you know for the longest time i was the ONLY man who had long blond locks of hair, it was weird. 

Jason: are funerals about death?

Kurt: no, they're about love.

 

LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: NO MORE STARS!!!

 

Linda ditches her "date" to the planetarium Larry for a real man.

Linda: okay, i've cornered my real man, a man who can REALLY explain things. so, what do you have to say for yourself?

Sartre: that's a nice gold telescope?

Linda: don't you see how painfully unfair this all is? how eternally morose? the more i look into this telescope...

Sartre: ...the more your eyes widen? the more wonder enters your heart?

Linda: no, you said it yourself: the universe is meaningless. it's CRUEL at this point to introduce more stars into it. for the love of God, DO NOT BIRTH ANY MORE STARS INTO THIS MESS OF A MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE!!!

Fuerza: God is a woman you know. makes more sense: the warmth, the grace, the sumptuousness, birthing the universe...

Linda needs some hope after that existential outburst.

Linda: playing detective always makes me feel good at 4PM. 

she travels to Above the Top where the It's a Living girls immediately fit her into a sexy topheavy black-and-white waitress dress.

cocktail dress: see that's the thing, it was meant to HAVE cocktails in, not serve them...

Linda: where's Cassie? just kidding. where's that little number? both meanings. you guys gotta stop this.

Nancy and Howard's son Lorimar: whatever do you mean?

Linda: YOUR lettuce got stuck in OUR drainpipe!!!

Lorimar: there's a perfectly reasonable explanation to all this. as you know, our waitresses go CRAZY with the salad. and our two shows are connected in this sorta mystical way...

Mr. Roper: ow ow ow ow OW.

Mrs. Roper: it's a hairline fracture, Stanley.

Stanley Roper: oh i get it, the hairline went from my head to my foot!!!

Helen Roper: did you really leave me for Joy Behar, Stanley?

Stanley: no i didn't, Helen!!! that's the cocoa talking!!!

Ira: it's just weird that Ira is a man's name...

Target: where's that Target that's on top of a snow mountain? Colorado?

PG&E: Carrington Event, we got it covered...

Pope Bob: the Red Shoes Diaries movie, Minority Report, Mary Poppins, and that one with James Gandolfini playing Henry VIII...

gallant: pronounced ga-LONT, not gal-ant.

magic: anything that is NOT AI...

food: it's gotta cut through...

Super Mario: do my men and me get hazard pay for picking up the trash and recycling during an atmospheric river?...

parent: do i still have friends?...

Trent Reznor wearing a Baltimore Orioles cap as a tram tour-guide: New Orleans is known for trompe l'oeil. 

Jen R: he always was known for his clear skin...

Trent: because i'm worth it. conductor, get it?

Gene Rayburn with a Bartesian: hosting is what i do...

Ginger: think about me, i'm a black woman with red hair, i encompass all that is noble about humanity, i am real, i am the true Earth Mother. i am Mama Earth.

Amy: people forget how i was kind of this crazy scamp on Wings, like a mechanic with her screw loose who was destined to play first violin, not second fiddle...

Amy: with really no emphasis on my Texas accent...

Michael Che: black don't crack.

Ginger: except for you, dear. it's not your fault, baby, Dwight Gooden was your father, right? in the '80s in order to get noticed you had to date a baseball player...

Linda is having a reckoning.

Linda: i wish i could have lasted longer. as does everyone. if only there was a way to live forever...

she has an idea.

Linda: wait a minute, i get it now, I was those two women: the lovelorn fat woman and the thrown-away old woman. yes, see, those women were ME as i got older. i became unloved and turned fat. then the fatness gave way to oldness.   

Jack Tripper: all this because you didn't marry me? 

Linda: if only i'd taken that flight...

Linda: all i have to do is go back and be young again.........manipulate the mailbox downstairs by the outdoor stairs so i buy the apartment from Eleanor.........and marry Larry?...