MADONNA IN PAJAMAS: RUIN ME

 

Madonna: Kurt, Kurt Loder, let me ask you something about my butt.

Kurt Loder has a pained look on his face as he reenters the Bedtime Stories slumber sleepover. 

Madonna: my poo recently has been a DARK DARK shade of brown, look see, it's almost coffee-colored.

Kurt Loder: well there it is, you've been drinking dark-roast coffee. put that square of toilet paper with your chocolate on it back in your purse!!!

Madonna: thank you, cutie, this is just the start of my experiments. i have to see what color my poo is after Breakfast Blend and Pike Place.

Madonna: i have an announcement to make, listen up people!!! join me in congratulating this year's prom king: PK Subban!!!

*applause applause applause*

Madonna: only you could pull off wearing those pink pajamas like that.

PK Subban: it is an honor. it was a party before but i'll take it. 

Lindsey Vonn: he came to bed in those pink pajamas, that's why i had to do that video...

Lindsey Vonn: my leg is fine, his isn't.

Dennis Rodman: we were so close on that Detroit Pistons team we had sex and it was no thing. i haven't found closeness like that since. Madonna was as cold as Michael Jordan!!!

Mackenzie Phillips: i did cocaine with Valerie Bertinelli during our lunch breaks at One Day at a Time.

Valerie Bertinelli: you told me that was sugar. i should have known, it tasted like salt. no wonder Eddie Van Halen liked me!!!

Vanna White: i turned lit blocks to letters for 30 years. that's enough to make anyone turn to drink.

Pat Sajak: i thought liquid lunch meant sandwich juice.

Roadtrip Nation on PBS: everyone on this show, reformed prisoner and struggling artist alike, has tattoos on their arms...

Rachel's husband: what happened to me? Roadtrip Nation is when PBS tries to do Road Rules...

Kurt Cobain: yeah the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" music video, the fire in the gym, that was all inspired by Carrie.

Carrie to her mother: mama, don't you know putting candles IN your bed is dangerous?

Piper Laurie, the mama: i died by being crucified like Jesus, like i always wanted. i started the whole thing where the person dying in a scene keeps resuscitating and takes 15 minutes to die...

Jesus: why are my eyes creepy in Carrie?

Ben Stiller: i know, every time the Knicks score, that wasn't me, i didn't do anything...

Ciara: the World Cup is going on and i'm still in school?...

Vanilla Ice: if you're eating an apple alone in your room with the lights off, your life is not going well...

Gene Rayburn: please welcome our newest Match Game contestant Jim Henson!!!

*appease applause applause*

Gene: how are you, Jim?

Jim Henson: not too good, Gene, my baby left me in Reno. 

Gene: are the puppets helping?

Jim: not this time, Gene. my shrink said i need a hobby so i'm taking up hang-gliding and i'm feeling much better...

John Candy as a state trooper: i'm on Sesame Street so i can't be threatening, that's why my police motorcycle has one of those silly sidecars.

Maria: hey John Candy, you fat tub of lard!!! can't you read the sign?!!! nobody's supposed to drive on Sesame Street, children are MEANT to play in our street. 

John Candy: so when you tell a kid to go play in traffic...

Maria: why didn't the world adopt the NYC neighborhood aesthetic? 

June: the time i start liking overcast weather again...

a naked Madonna lifts her butt up to Kurt Loder's face as she turns her head to look at Kurt Loder's face.

Madonna: RUIN ME.

Kurt Loder: right here? you want me to get naked in front of everyone at the party?

Madonna: all these people. you are Loder after all, let's see your load.

Kurt: i'm not like you. NOBODY's like you!!!

Madonna's smile is stuck on her face.

Madonna: oh please!!! why are humans like this? why can't we just admit we all like sex because it's so not the norm?

Kurt with a heavy sigh: fine. but don't wet up my penis with a lot of your saliva, my penis can't take all that. 

Madonna: when i get done with you your sad eyes will turn blue...

 

MADONNA IN PAJAMAS: KURT LODER ON EMPTY

Kurt Loder is still outside.

Kurt Loder: i need a distraction. or to distract myself. wait, is that a cannon i see over that bush? that's MY lucky star!!! i see a lot of people in line wearing one-piece bodysuits with glitter on the collar, cuffs, and belt and tassels on the kneepads.........oh i see, it's not Elvis, it's Evel Knievel...

Jen and i are still at the Bedtime Stories release slumber party. with Madonna. inside.

me: my sleep is tricky now. what if you're not a night person but also not a day person?

Jen R: you're an afternoon person who can only have sex in afternoon delights.

Madonna: that was me before i started doing music to channel it, you know?

Super Mario: it's a very BOUTIQUE thing to have a gardener come to your place on a Monday...

archived tennis messageboard: that thing you wrote about Bud Collins in 2007, no one has ever read it...

Victoria Ruffo: if there's ever a Destinos reboot...

Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman: the one show that made you long for how the world was back then. adults helping kids with their science. no politics, just human kindness. a world where the aim was to be Shel Silverstein.

Ruff Ruffman: 2024 was so long ago, that's wild.

top o' the muffin: the Irish good morning.

Vincent van Gogh manifesting his own bedroom from that famous painting of his: i almost got it. just need to manifest that blue ceramic waterbowl and water pitcher to wash one's ear. the bed somehow fits two!!!

Van Gogh's dog: a water bowl for humans? my favorite sport is baseball, i like the ball...

cops on Pluto: no, Cops on Pluto.

Molly Qerim: why did i finally relent and marry Stephen A. Smith? is it because the man has $100 million? no, it's because he's a big nerd. he's my favorite soap-opera actor...

Carrie: the most visceral movie of all time.

Alfred Hitchcock: i appreciated all the references to my work.

Stephen King: that was De Palma, not me!!!

Betty Buckley: you'll never forget your senior prom. those that go to their senior prom become well-adjusted adults because they experienced magic that night.

Carrie with her first relaxed smile: this prom will be memorable in other ways...

Betty with tears in her eyes: Carrie, you're the daughter i never had.

Vanilla Ice: what i did wasn't rap, it was salsa.

Lee Thompson Young: why'd i do it? all i'm saying is an interracial relationship with Lindy Booth would have been revolutionary at the time, Disney...

Julius Caesar at Orange Julius: do i get a discount? when i think of frothy i think of the sea and my helmeted horses!!! what's an orange? i only know apples. malls unnerve me, they're staid. 

Antony: seizure salad.

Cleopatra: you know oranges, baby, you gave me an orange as an engagement ring. i put the orange on my little finger...

Julius Caesar: ah yes, by the olive tree. olive juice, i love you. 

Kurt Loder skulks to the site of the cannonball shoot. all the '70s Match Game people are there in Evel Knievel flysuits: Betty White, Charles Nelson Reilly, Steve Allen.

Kurt Loder: Steve Allen, you look like my father!!!

Steve Allen: i'm everyone's dad who went to Princeton.

Charles Nelson Reilly: know how you know it's Match Game 1982 with the BLUE background but Gene Rayburn still hosting? because i'm crabby on the show.

Kurt Loder: how was it playing Llort?

Charles Nelson Reilly: oh Don Bluth was a pansy. just go back to Disney, Don!!! his animation is sublime but the man can't write a story to save his life.

Kurt: Cannonball Run. well, Cannonball Run II.

Charles: i fucked Sally Field, Burt Reynolds never did.

Sally Field: i fell in love with Charles's '70s acid he took for that kid's show.

Charles: fuck Rin Tin Tin, my dog will always be Benji. 

Kurt Loder: hey Betty, can i get in the cannon before you?

Betty White: why do you want to leave so badly?

Kurt: why did you marry Allen Ludden?

Betty: everyone keeps saying that to my face!!! why? 

Kurt: a woman of your gravitas deserved Robert Redford.

Betty: is it working?

Kurt: no, i can still hear Madonna calling my name, Madonna calling me back to the sleepover...

 

 

MADONNA IN PAJAMAS: SLUMBERED

 

Kurt Loder and his sad eyes are getting ready for Madonna's release party of her latest album Bedtime Stories which is taking place in a HUGE warehouse made up to look like a giant slumber party. he arrives in a suit and tie and MTV mic.

Madonna in pajamas: come on, Kurt, you gotta loosen up, everyone says you're creepy.

Kurt Loder: i've got a lot of problems. but they belong to me.

Madonna: see what i mean? i toned it down for you, i'm not wearing nothing to bed, i'm wearing teddy bear pajamas, not a teddy. and non-Playboy bunny slippers.

Kurt: you know you're right.

Kurt comes back in a red Playboy smoking jacket and adds to the throw-pillow collection by tossing a pillow with tassels to the pile.

Kurt: so what's the deal with your lyrics? they make no sense. rain? what is rain?

Madonna: the lyrics aren't important to me, it's the primal feel of the music. the drumbeat in your cunt or cock. everything is sex, don't you know me by now?

Madonna: i thought we were friends.

Kurt: this is my job. it's my job to be your friend.

Madonna: do i ask about your wife again?

i spot Jen sinking in a pit of pillows in the corner.

Jen R: quick!!! quicksand!!! grab an outdoor-bazaar flying carpet and pull me outta this soft sinkhole!!! how are you enjoying the sleepover?

me: why'd you have to wear a negligee?!!! you're the only one at this party who's sexy. it's gonna be uncomfortable looking at you all night.

Jen: oh get some punch. as in my punch to your face. this negligee's blue, it's not your color, you won't get the tingle.

Jen: Madonna was something special in the '90s. something sumptuous.

Madonna: you know i'm genuinely sorry that Britney Spears took over from me in 2000 to the present year, i really hated that. i apologize in advance to all the people of the future: it really sucked that it went from grunge to bubblegum pop...

Super Mario: see Memorial Day just doesn't do it for me and my garbage men. it just means we have to collect trash on a Saturday. who wants to collect trash on a Saturday?!!!

Jeff Teague naked in bed with a woman: mama i ain't got no clothes on.

Jeff Teague's mama: i pulled up to the driveway, i saw 2 cars in the driveway, and i came into the house. who's this bitch? are you eating your oatmeal, Jeff-poo?

Pope Bob: there is nothing better than two old gay men.

Vicious: right?

Mason: i was the Kramer of Vicious. 

Penelope: i'm not like this at home...

Derek Jacobi and Ian McKellen: it was chocolate on the bedsheets, we swear!!!

Vanilla Ice: take it from me, if you're having a conversation in a dark room, everything's not okay.

Kristin Minter: in the '90s we ran around unfinished wood house foundations for fun.

Dr. Robbins: a therapist is no fun. tell your problems to a friend...

Sonoko from Sailor Moon Sailor Stars: my massive mane of green hair is actually Cringer from He-Man hiding on my head. Japanese girls play softball wearing casino card-dealer visors instead of helmets...

Bert & Ernie in the Red Baron's plane upside down.

Ernie: it's an upside-down world, Bert *Ernie hissing laugh*

Bert: i've always been jealous of your shirt, Ernie, it's more '70s than mine.

Ernie: hey Bert, when you build a house, don't put nails in your mouth, you'll get tetanus.

Bert: don't say that, Ernie, tetanus can't be the word of the day!!! you'll scare the kids, Ernie!!! this isn't Wonder Showzen. nobody had a bottlecap collection when the '80s ended...

goth man with the white pallid makeup: why are we depicted in the media as always being UNUSUALLY HAPPY? it's creepy. pass the Coke.

Melissa Gilbert: Andrew McCarthy made out with Liza Minnelli in the '80s.

Andrew McCarthy: i made out with Rob Lowe in the '80s!!!

Gilbert Arenas: Shai Butter, take Chet Holmgren's watch!!!

Chet Holmgren: come on, holmes, i liked that Sesame Street watches-in-the trenchcoat skit.

Gilbert Arenas: remember Swatch watches? mine was waterproof for shark tanks...

i bump into Kurt Loder in the parking lot. seems Kurt was running away from something.

Kurt Loder: damn, kid, why'd you have to get me right on the forehead bone?

me: sorry. i was distracted by my own thoughts.

Kurt: i know the feeling. oh fuck it's night outside!!! i forgot about that, this is trippy.

me: my friend Cindy, she invited me to The Greene Turtle over Instagram. right there, then at that moment, 4PM on a Wednesday, all i had to do was GO to her!!! she was so close, i was tasting the nachos we'd split as we watched World Cup soccer.........me and my future wife.........*daydreaming*

me: problem was, that sports bar is in Baltimore...

Kurt: bicoastal love, it's a motherfucker. the cruelty of distance. speaking of, i can already hear Madonna calling me back to the slumber party, do you know any place around here where i can get a wife?  

 

 

  

MAINE CABIN ON STILTS: CANCER IN THE FINGERS

 

i'm inside the cabin, where i'm immediately accosted by grandma. who wants me to spill my day.

me: well i talked to my friend Cindy, she has a way about her. i told her all my friends are Cobaining themselves left and right and she texts me a pic of her plate of nachos from The Greene Turtle.

grandma: what the fuck is a text? well it's a nice big plate. full of guac. that's what you needed to see at that moment, she's very intuitive.

me: she's a good listener. i told her the story of how i was in line at Safeway and a kindly old woman dropped the soap off the conveyor belt at checkout. as i picked the wrapped bar of soap up for her she says, "it's the cancer in my fingers, i can't pick up things anymore."

Jen R: did she pick YOU up? not over her head, to go on a date.

grandma: and what did Cindy say?

me: she texted me very cautiously with "I don't want to see that old woman go."

grandma: aw, that old woman was cute. which makes her all the more devastating.

grandma: are you here for the show?

Jen and me: we're scared.

Jen: i'm starved, ma'am.

grandma: we wait for grandpa in this house, young lady who's not that young!!!

Jen: old ma'am do you have any Italian pesto salad? oh my GOD i fucking love pesto salad!!! that needs to be my ONLY salad.

Pope Bob: i'm genuinely scared of the New World Order.

Catalina: i mean damn. FINALLY!!! what took you so long?

Pope Bob: but i still want John Lennon "Imagine" played at my funeral...

Billie from Green Day: Journey "Who's Crying Now," we wanted that to be our song, so we made "Longview" instead...

Vincent Price: i'm your Friendly Neighborhood Dracula.

Pope Bob: the first electric Ferrari? sure. i don't care anymore. about any of this. just get me a Ferrari poster from that Scholastic Book Fair i missed in 1984 because i was home with the mumps...

Vanilla Ice: see i was a fly dancer, then a rapper. in case you weren't down with my dope rhymes. i was made to be on roller skates with Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles, not sucka MCs. 

Maiara Walsh: is that MY house or Pee-wee's Playhouse? it's my house, has ee cummings graffiti on the walls...

Kristin Minter: get me to the ER, stat!!!

Vanilla Ice: if you were an 11-year-old fan, you watched Cool as Ice as a SERIOUS enterprise.

Michael Weiss: this always happens to me, i fall in love with a woman on Instagram based on her profile pic, but that was her 20 years ago!!! i want the YOUNG you!!! not the NOW you!!!

Dolly Parton: "9 to 5," men had to use a yellow legal pad with the lyrics written down, because women in this movie are becoming the lawyers, not the secretaries...

Larry David: you're realizing only now that i wear the SAME clothes everywhere i go...

Spielberg: running in the rain is VISUALLY cool. but you get wet.

Lucas: running in a lightning storm is VISUALLY cool. but you get electrocuted.

Jim Cantore: i'll do it. has there ever been an uncool white bald Jedi?

Darth Vader: just me...

Jimmy Kimmel: Adam Carolla is like a life partner to me. we have different politics.

Adam Carolla: listen just give me Romney and i'm cool. we can come together on one thing: Dr. Drew and Ben Stein are brothers.

Jimmy: i see it now!!!

Adam: remember the water-displacement as a way to measure your dick?

3 body problem: not a devil's threesome...

Gayle King: that was a very painful time for me. when i found my husband in bed with my best friend.

Oprah: especially since i was that best friend. come on, it was the '80s, everyone was doing it.

funeral: you don't need a limo...

Follow That Bird: all the Sesame Street humans were obviously in Godspell...

Jim Henson: it's cool to see Sesame Street and Bert & Ernie's loveshack apartment as 3D spaces.

Les Claypool: the country hick in the "My Name Is Mud" music video is one of the Sleaze Brothers!!!

Diane Venora: i participated in the hottest sex scene in cinematic history. i was an accomplished criminologist in Wolfen, profiling the best left-wing anarchist Palestinian activists out there, the ones who were gonna actually bring about the Palestinian state and end things. end hostilities. i took up with a strange tubby police man Albert Finney who was a Brit masquerading as a Yank with a bad accent and fro, i can spot fakers a mile away. our lovemaking was squishy and BLURRED by the werewolf's point of view, it's a whole complicated thing. i moaned DEW which has a double meaning: Dewey and female cum. me a fresh-faced PhD was left completely naked in a strange bed the next morning like a cheap whore, with a bewildered cat on the bed with me, this was so '80s.

grandpa is sitting on a sofa as old as he is watching the bulky TV box in front of him. grandma wheels the tray on the hard lime-green shag carpet up to his bony chin. on the tray is a small pizza.

me: watching golf is the show?

Jen: your grandpa looks like the old guy on all fours in the Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun" music video looking up at the chandelier with a dazed smile.

grandpa: thank you, that man had some great ear hair. tiny dragons flying around that chandelier, right? my memory's not so good, i only remember dragons. i'm putting not cashews on my pizza but cashaw as a topping, cashaw leaves...

grandma: isn't pizza the perfect tv-dinner food?