LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: SELF-HAIRCUT

Mr. Roper: my toes are tingling.

Helen: your foot's broke, Stanley.

Mr. Roper: don't say that to me, Helen!!! can't you see i'm a man in pain? 

Larry: hey no problem, R, just dip that foot in some bath salts.........actually using bath salts for what they were intended for...

Linda: PERVERT!!!

Jack Tripper: what?

Linda: how do you explain THIS telescope?!!!

Jack: i don't peep. that's Larry's telescope, it was a misdelivery. Larry is the freak, not me.

Larry: i actually am into astronomy, nobody cares that's why it's never in the script.

Linda: so Jack, about the kitchen sink.

Jack: throw everything at your problems, Linda, that's a good girl.

Linda: no i saw pieces of lettuce swimming around the two whirlpools of dirty water in there.

Jack: that's disgusting, woman. that's gnarly. wilted lettuce? limp lettuce?

Linda: i have an idea where it's coming from...

Jack: i don't have time to argue with you this morning, Linda, i have a very important thing to do.

Linda: ...

Jack: not THAT!!! i have to give myself a self-haircut in the bathroom.

Linda: so that's what our psychedelic bathroom is used for. but Jack, it's impossible, you'll see. you can shave off the front yourself but it's IMPOSSIBLE to cut the back of your head of hair.

Jack: would you hold the hand mirror at my back while i do it?

Linda: you're missing the point. people need people.

Mr. Furley: anybody need a little scissors?...

Toonzone: not many of our members have cars...

The Rite.

Ingmar Bergman at Rite Aid drinking a Diet Rite wearing Stride Rites: it should have been called Rite.

Ingmar Bergman: right?

Sartre: no.

Igor Stravinsky: maybe.

Aaron Copland: The Rite of Spring was decent...

Ascona: where Roger Federer plays pickleball.

Roger Federer: and where i brush my teeth...

Corinthians: you can't have love without perseverance. what the FUCK does Congress do?!!!...

judge: a private showing of a forbidden act? i don't know about this.

ritual: it doesn't have to be a killing. a wedding is a ritual, too.

robe + cowl: maybe you'll get lucky? maybe they'll actually be Roman Catholic monks and not a cult?...

Thea: thank you for the lovely flowers. they died. but it's the thought that counts. it's just some light brain-cancer medication i'm taking.

intercession: but all those suicides. and Jack Cassidy...

judge: what's in the bag?

Thea: that's a drum.

Mike Tyson wearing a mask: don't worry, it's just my speedbag filled with wine.

Roman Catholic wedding: you forgot about this but everyone in the congregation drank ritual wine that day.

judge: the case to be a lawyer was imposed on me when i was a boy, get it?

freedom: it's ghastly.

Ingmar Bergman: i promised myself i wouldn't use the word "absurd" in this script...

Spock: you're lucky i slapped your face with my hand and not my 2-foot wood cock.

judge: cruelty is lust, a boring lust.

judge: my last name is Hell but i'm not going to Hell, right?.........right?...

judge: i didn't die of a heart attack or a knife stab. i died by ritual tits!!!

Ingmar Bergman: i had the perfect lived-artist life. i was Van Gogh with the happy ending.

cassette tape: thrown out a car window, does a little spin on the asphalt...

hosting: because the best thing you can do as a human being is host a party...

Brooke Trantor: no Quincy isn't a new show on CBS with Jack Klugman as a reluctant detective who never leaves his apartment...

me: let's spoon. spooning helps with the hibernation.

Jen R: hey, you don't have to spoon heroin just because you're spooning.

Troy Polamalu: it's nice the Head & Shoulders people let me keep my grey hair...

OmegaXL: your heel pain is healed. your joint pain is gone. now you'll still have to sit in a porch rocking-chair...

health care: self-care...

pizza with milk: ...

Kevin from Home Alone: no the pizza dough is made with milk...

Peter Hook: you know how Quincy Jones produced every song that was ever made? so yeah i did "Hook" by Blues Traveler. i wrote the lyrics in that middle part...

there's a knock at the door.

Linda: oh yeah, you're that fat woman Jack had trouble with.

fat lady: au contraire, Jack was a gallant gentleman with me.

Linda, smiling spacedly: yeah, Jack is nice like that. frankly my dear i don't give a damn. no not you, that blonde bitch Southern belle. 

fat lady: the greatest thing a handsome dashing man like Jack can do for a fat chick like me is LIE GRACIOUSLY. that lie comes out of kindness. kindness is something you won't see in the universe through that telescope.

Linda: you touched me here today. do you want to have dinner with me? crack open a bottle of chilled Roscato wine between the two of us? have a San Diego spaghetti on tiny plates on our tiny table by the television set here?

fat woman: extra clams please. my clam will never be slurped. but that's okay. i met Jack Tripper for one day.

fat woman, crying: the greatest thing a family can say to a member of that family is they loved them. they stuck around for them. it's a lie. it's the big lie all families tell each other.  

Linda: damn, woman, you got my eyes misting and i don't have fern allergies. it's getting all Wicked For Good in the apartment.

Jeff Goldblum: i'm 80 and have a 10-year-old son?...

 

LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN JANET'S AWAY?

 

Linda bends down to brush her hair forwards.

Linda: i'm your roommate while Janet's away, Jack Tripper, but you know the ground rules.

Jack Tripper: i know, no hanky-panky. it's a good thing i have you as a default girlfriend whenever i'm in a pinch.

Linda: i'm here to protect Chrissy. from you.

Jack: give me some credit, i'm not as bad as Larry.

Mr. Roper knocks on the door.

Linda: nice try, Shakespeare. what are you crabby about THIS morning, you crabby old bastard.

Mr. Roper: my right foot's killing me, i had to kill the autumn walks this week, they were my only doctor's-note excuse, i can't stay away from Helen anymore. she told me to take a Tums then proceeded to make out with me!!!

Linda: you're not gonna eavesdrop on us through the plumbing pipes?

Mr. Roper: that's a thing?

Linda: in the '70s, yes.

Mr. Roper: Costco should do that for mail.........i really don't want to be a plumber...

Linda: if that's quite all, Mr. Roper, i have an English muffin to get back to.

Mr. Roper: wait a minute, wait a minute, who the hell are you?!!! you kids swap roommates like tissue paper, is this even legal?!!!

Linda: i don't see the problem as long as SOMEONE pays the rent...

Mr. Roper to the camera: huh.........i suppose i can't find a reason to hate you...

Noops from Linda's bedroom: come to bed.

Linda: it's a good thing Roper didn't hear you, this is a no-pets-allowed pad.

Noops: don't harsh my vibe, mellow mama. i don't know what i like more, being a dog or being a talking dog. he was a man, take him for all in all, i shall not look upon his like again...

Thanksgiving song: the Denny's jingle...

The Rite.

Ingmar Bergman: it's your right to see this obscure TV-movie shown on Swedish television ONLY TWICE, once in 1969 and then for some reason again in 1973. 

Ingmar Bergman: of COURSE i play a priest. my acting skills are best viewed in a monastery...

Sherlock Holmes: burlesque but clothed, Robert De Niro as a taximan, and naked Hamlet with a weasel instead of a skull, nothing pornographic here.

Jen R: gotta love a rotary-dial phone that's also push-button.

actors: we only know Fahrenheit.

Thea: why does your Coke smell? i only drink sherry on Sunday. State sherry.

Roger Federer: keep your money. we need our own money, we can't just be Swiss francs...

Thea: they were obscene gestures because i hate cops, not because i was naked. i did a very good impression of Ian Curtis having an epileptic seizure on stage. i suffocate whenever i don't hear applause.

Thea: FLASH!!! not lightning, a spotlight...

Lou Reed: i'm never taking off these sunglasses, i have no eyes...

Thea sponging her toenails: i'm only with you because you look like Spock as a hippie. do people REALLY need to brush their teeth?

Spock: morning breath is a blessing, it means you have someone.

Thea: notice how we're not dropping acid for breakfast, we're spreading orange marmalade on crumpets.

Ingmar Bergman: panties are not pornographic. that tongue is tho.

Trent Reznor: a Trent Reznor kiss is when you while never kissing lick your partner's mouth with your tongue...

Spock: i had that dream where i had to repeat the 3rd Grade for eternity. it was okay because the 3rd Grade was pleasant. my mom had nasal drip.

Thea: this is the first time in history a horse in Sweden escaped unloved...

Thea: you're slapping my thigh, not my arse.

Spock: do you know what cheeks are for? to make the washboard sound. when you're actually washing clothes, not playing an instrument. 

Dr. Robbins: islands are miracles of nature. therefore travel to one and die.

Dr. Robbins: you're moving too much!!! quit moving around!!!

Spock: you know something? matchsticks are more fun than smoking...

Spock: my ex-wife made a mummy with Brendan Fraser.

Ingmar Bergman: hey, friends don't murder.

Spock: i'm Jack McCoy if he did the murder...

judge: i have to take a bath 9 times a day, do you know how humiliating that is?

Spock: the man ate his wife. the wife thanked him, she'd never experienced vaginal pleasure like that before.

Ingmar Bergman: no human being can frighten me, that's the line of the movie, that's my best writing here.

judge at confession: bless me, Father, for i have sinned.

Father Ingmar Bergman: you like the cheesecloth divider? don't tell me a dark secret about you, i'll never look at you the same way again. i'm not good with secrets, i tend to blab, too much weight to bear, not good for my heart.

judge: give me something. does God understand the unbelievers? why is life so cruel?

Father Ingmar: the answer is in the Enigma "Sadeness" song when the monks start mumbling...

Bewitched uncle: who exactly makes the laws?...

Rod Serling: this is looking like that "Obsolete" episode.

Heros: the hero of our story.

Bewitched uncle: my son is Swedish, he's weak, he doesn't attend school, he sits in a house.

Bewitched uncle: just don't talk to the judge in that clown makeup.

Thea: without reason we'd be insane. but love is insane.

Bewitched uncle: i don't want to die, i want to be free. is there any way to sleep forever?...

judge: i'm not being creepy, Mrs. Winkelmann, you are objectively beautiful.

Thea: i had a 2-year itch. apple cider does NOT work on itchy skin!!!

Spock: we're cancelling for the Vietnam War?

Kamala Harris: or, you know, no tariffs...

bar: potato chips and yogurt balls.

Bewitched uncle: give her the Naruto-shocker to her clitoris, she'll gush out those orgasms.

Sherlock Holmes: DNA is elementary, my dear Watson.

James Watson: the H stands for helix...

Jen R: another present?

Jen undoes the wrapping.

me: yeah i figured i better give it to you before the both of us forget.

Jen: it's exactly the size of a breadbox. omg it's those chocolate-covered Ritz crackers!!! how dangerous!!!

me: it's your Christmas gift but as food it's also your Thanksgiving gift...

Vikings: yikes.

baseball cards: okay we'll take your Pokemon cards...

Trintellix: but my depression is caused by my sexual problems...

rebook: get the Reebok.

Michael Jordan stranded at the airport: ...

Shakespeare: knock knock.

Edward de Vere: ...

Shakespeare: you're supposed to say who's there...

Linda in the kitchen.

Linda: oh GREAT!!! the kitchen sink's flooded!!! now i can't enjoy my breakfast!!!

there's a knock at the door.

Linda: oh yeah, you're the old lady Jack threw out.

old lady: i was only smothering him with mothering.

Jack: in fairness, she got to be too much. you know how eventually everyone becomes too much?...

Linda: i do empathize with you, elderly madam, your own son disowned you and you felt like a forgotten person in society. our society is cruel, when you reach a certain age you become invisible and disposable, less than a human being. I FEEL YOU. i feel your old melancholy. i feel the same way, deep down i wonder if i'm good enough. good enough to stay here. i can't replace Janet, i don't have her zippy personality, i don't have her butt. Jack and Chrissy putting me on their shoulders throwing me out in the middle of the night as i'm half-asleep in my frilly eggshell-blue nightgown, this is what i see!!!

Linda: i tell ya what i'm gonna do for you, granny, you can be my grandma for life IF you promise to swap pudding cups with me during recess. remember that in grade school?

old woman: of course, i used to MAKE the pudding my son ate on the playground. he never appreciated me.

Linda: i get to keep all the butterscotch pudding cups.

old woman: i INVENTED butterscotch in 1911.

Linda: well i'm already outside on this crisp light-blue night, i might as well check the mail. I KNEW IT!!! it's a telescope. must be addressed to Jack in this puffy brown envelope with dark-brown twine. i'm sure Jack uses it to peep at the scantily-clad young women at night who are our neighbors in this building!!! lingerie and bunny slippers, that's all this place is!!!

 

 

ROAD TO LINDY: A VEGAS WEDDING IS ROMANTIC

 

Lindy Lenz picks her nose. she puts her finger in her nose.

Lindy Lenz: it's weird because i don't smoke but my nose smells like cigarettes.

me: do you know why i like you?

Lindy wearing Terminator sunglasses: are you EVER gonna drive?

me: no.

Lindy: it's a shame all the wind-in-my-hair stuff will only be experienced by me.

me: i'm a bald driver.

Lindy: oh i know, it's the Vegas thing.

me: correctamundo. 

Lindy: remember when we used to text and you'd say we should get married in Vegas? we should have a Vegas wedding? 

me: see that's exactly the thing, i don't remember that but you do!!!

Lindy: we're driving to Las Vegas now. i just gotta get a lubejob in Granada Hills.

when we get there the Little Pink Chapel the size of a shoebox in the middle of the street is so CUTE!!!

Lindy: and always available. for strangers. strangers in love. a Vegas wedding is so romantic, don't you think?

me: i've never thought about it. i never thought i'd get married.

Lindy: because it has nothing to do with familial ties, pressure from your parents, legacy, religion, or social status. when two people get married in Vegas, they are ALONE IN LOVE, it's just them. and maybe their CLOSEST friend as a witness. who happens to be a street bum. they're saying fuck the world. they're there for THE TWO OF THEM, EACH OTHER, not the state. nobody has to find out. in fact the two don't want anybody to find out, they want to live out their love in secret.

me: with only Elvis having the paper.

Sir David Beckham: i'm only getting knighted NOW?!!! shouldn't this have happened like 15 years ago?...

Queen Elizabeth: we thought you had really eaten buffalo meat when you had those Buffalo wings.

LeVar Burton: i played Kunta Kinte to the hilt because we were both looking for our fathers...

Mikie Sherrill: i mean.........i'm kinda hot...

David Lynch: Woody Woodpecker is a metaphor for human suffering in the world. i had a hook in my back while i was writing Eraserhead, that explains a lot. you see Heaven is Sunset Boulevard...

reno: renovation in Reno.

history buff: don't worry, we watch PBS, not The History Channel...

history buff: we're not trying to CHANGE history...

man in commercial: all i'm doing is eating food...

a British person who has never heard of Doctor Who: ...

Doctor Who: now THAT is an episode we haven't tried yet. that is literally impossible to pull off.

Iga Swiatek: karma is not a Polish cake. a Polish cake made with drunk-fan rum...

Wes Studi: we don't study our ancestors, our Indian ancestors are in us when we Spirit Walk at birth.

The Nature Company in Berkeley: and then you get an onion burger at The Good Earth restaurant...

Southern belle: not necessarily plump...

Chris Brown: those Hallmark movies are really therapeutic...

Kim Raver: it's me, Kim Raver. good ol' reliable Kim Raver...

Seth Rollins: Screech from Saved by the Bell is alive and an adult...

the wedding chapel is four rectangular pink walls. the pews are all fitted with flowers. the carpet the first Vaporwave purple. Lindy is wearing a Russian court dress with her bouquet of blueberries. i am completely naked except for my tux. arched high ceiling.

Elvis-impersonator in a full white sequin bodysuit with tassels and yet also bald and wearing reading glasses: remember, the marriage doesn't matter, just the wedding. as you're imagining your vows think about that It's a Living '80s sex which was so innocent...

the guest list which are all arrivals: Amie Harwick, Robert Decker, Richard Jeni, Michael Jackson, Sandi, Jerome, Olmec in a pink tux, Trent Reznor wearing white, Oprah, Nancy Beebe's son, and Howard's first wife.

me: can i give you your wedding gift now?

Lindy Lenz in a sea of balled-up wrapping paper: wait, you're forgetting what woman you're with. this is for Jen R.

me: i am? it is?

Lindy: this is that new Cameron Crowe memoir The Uncool, *sigh* this is the perfect gift for Jen R.

Jen R eating Pirouette cookies: thanks, kid. 

me: you're welcome. 

Jen: they're like chocolate taquitos.

me: i didn't see you hiding in the bouquet.

Jen: this isn't so much a Christmas gift as a birthday gift for me...

ROAD TO LINDY: RICHARD JENI MEETS MICHAEL JACKSON

 

Lindy Lenz: Richard Jeni is just about to jump the Neverland Ranch fence.

me: sometimes cars are good.

Michael Jackson: greetings, Jedi. i was foretold by me that you'd come here just now.

Richard Jeni: sorry for being the fence hopper, i know you like birds. i haven't been myself lately. my head is all over the place.

Michael: that is my life, too. without the voices. 

Jeni touches both of Jackson's shoulders turning him around.

Richard: listen friend, no hard feelings? it's just showbiz. i don't mean those demeaning jokes i tell about you, the stupid Jay Leno audiences are so simple they laugh at that stuff.

Michael: i get it. of course not. i love you as a brother, Rick. i know, i look like a Halloween costume all year round. don't do anything stupid, man. you know? i mean if I'M sticking around with MY mess, you have no excuse. just passing along the advice Marilyn Manson gave my daughter.

Richard: another man who's a Halloween costume all year round.

Michael: let's talk more after we ride the Ferris wheel with Oprah.

Han Solo: if you don't know what the word perfidy means, you shouldn't be fucking with Snoke, who's just a Jim Henson Muppet reject.

Kylo Ren getting rid of his wide weight: okay, pop.

Snoke: i flubbed my audition for the Saturday Night Live Muppets...

Trancers.

Jen R: the shirtless barechested '80s man in bed the morning after peeking under the covers with chagrin on his face to see if he was or was not wearing underwear...

Richard Stahl: looking under the hood.

the bums push Hap into the firing circle: it's a bum-eat-bum world.

Hap Ashby: i'm hapless. but i'm not helpless.

Hap: i want to ride my Akira scooter with the lady.

Jack Deth: why?

Hap: it'll be lighter.

Akira scooter: maximum capacity of 56 pounds.

Chinatown: we used to be the YMCA...

long second: when she doesn't text back...

Big League Chew: your Little League athletic cup from the '80s could catch a bullet.

Alfred from Batman: my final heart attack came from seeing Master Bruce on a date with Catwoman, not somebody crashing my front window to pieces.

Helen Hunt: why does every closet look like the one from Halloween?...

Alfred: a closet has vented doors to let out the STANK from your clothes, miss.

Chinatown: where you get those BIG soy-sauce packets...

Jack Deth: i had a wife. you're prettier than she was.

Helen Hunt: actually say the words "I love you" to me.

Jack: i can't.

Hap: a baseball was thrown hard at my mouth. messed up my teeth like Cassie from Skins. UCLA summer drama camp in the '80s. i don't want you seeing my butt tattoo of Monroe Ficus. can i get a spongebath from the blond SquarePants?.........wait i said that wrong...

AquaVelva: not vodka...

Jen R: the ol' belt-on-the-zipline trick...

B movies: is it a B movie or is it just dumb?...

Jack Deth: why did you stay with me?

Leena: i wanted to fuck the father on Everwood...

Jen: this is what i want for you.

me: me?

Jen: you're handsome enough to be the leading man on B movies...

Cindy Snow: wait, i never actually met Terri Alden.........except on that San Diego Zoo tram...

Madonna: it's not Borderline personality disorder...

Jack Lord: that's God's real name.

rice: only when it's orzo...

Jim Curtis: i look like Brad Pitt...

Jennifer Aniston: yes, and i'm working through that in therapy. but you're a hypnotherapist so you can help me forget that i smelled Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy with that candle.

butter knife: that steak knife you don't use...

Red Bull: can you actually open a Red Bull can with one hand using only your thumb?...

Microsoft: hack your own computer to get the password.

Melchior: Excalibur dipped in melted butter.

Teen Titans Go: our characters have the same cynical eyes as Family Guy...

Crutch: so Tracy Morgan is gonna try the Cosby Show thing again, let's see how it goes this time...

Zohran Mamdani: this campaign had electricity. affordable electricity.

winter: it's not winter until you get bags under your eyes...

Eye Luggage sucking a peppermint stalk: ...

trashman Super Mario on rounds: is that poo powder or souvlaki slivers?...

Luigi: Greek meat.

Super Mario: either way i don't wanna know...

Ann Elder: if Sharon Stone were her own hot grandmother...

Tom Brady: now i know what you're thinking. i am God but i am NOT a clone. the proof? my pretty mouth is incapable of inflating footballs. the same mouth i used to kiss Bridget Moynahan. 

Tom Brady's dog: i'm Tom Brady's dog. i'm not a copy because i'm the one alive now...

Richard Jeni caresses Michael Jackson's face with no fear.

Richard Jeni: listen buddy, you got anything for sleep?

Michael Jackson hands him a bottle of white stuff.

Michael Jackson: creamy.

Richard: don't tell me this is your...?

Michael: they call it in the underground medical community "Milk of Magnesia..."

Richard: i've been meaning to say, pal, you don't need all this stuff, this weird bed with the wires overhead. just take one Unisom at night, you know? it's the same sleep.

Lindy Lenz: in the '80s people took "sleeping pills" at night as a matter of course...