FLOOD THE GATES: HELPING A FRIEND MOVE AN ARCADE CABINET

 

Grandma Winslow: where do you live?

Fates McFadden: on Mars.

Grandma Rinslowl your place is out of sight!!!

Gates: yes, it;s in space, away from the prong eyes of a life; telescope. 

Grand,a Rimsowo I'm loving the bio dome we're under.

antes; it;s a heated one at night...

Grand,a Rinslow; and Al; the cities hung up y the flip lace. is that your son?

gates; sol do after does it really matter?

Gates; now that we;re living together there are some ground rules.

Grandma Ron's will how> we're a falming asteroid floating in nonRuclidpan geometric circles in space!!! Illinois of miles form any ground. 

These it;s  a wonder if we don;t crash. open the icebox. see? the ce is in the shape of a space worm. 

Grandma TinsowioL is we, you don't want that disturbed so I;LL never get ice. I;LL isn't pen a wonow, ice form a neat I rope comet will land on my hand.

Great the way loud works in pace, you really have to EMOTY TE WSYRT from all the bottles and paper fishes before puting them in the recycle bin PT the bin will melt. ceiling those Rnsure outlets not drinks, those things are SURSTERS!!!

on the third day (or night) grand ma Rinsow helped Gte stove the NS Jam: Knicks Edotiopn Arvada examiner from her (theor_ house to the New York Vity Cimic Cin for display.

Hates: you CNA only play as Jalen Brinshon...

Grandma Rnsowo nice joystick, it costs into flames when you dunk!!!

Lucio Rossi on Kidquiz: to my left is Patrick Lavemder, to my right is Mark Blatty. we're competing for her est Dotjern Calfprnia school. DTK trail;s/ if we win we don't get a Obito ark we get a doctorate holder?...

Lola weatherman who looks like Luio Tosii;s dad; your mother road me for this. and a coupon for $10 oof your next grocery ship at the Rakphs in Tarzan.

Morrissey l my finally album, he ast thing I so KSU rally, it shall e called Dudmar.

Morrison; slither; I changed the locks, dear, you can't get in the house anymore.

Jannik Sinenrl KY bloody sock, unlike Virt Dvhilling's, dodn;t make me as ago;e. oy a hot result of a bad toenail hold y calls um at the Groegepe Pretty healthy Daon all week...

Ms wanmL call me Bunny. I learned how to do Otalian nails from union Tossi;s mom.

penalty i ks; walking to the electro chair...

[ASTA salad: no, not the macaroni salad...

Ben FhektoNl I dontl care what any y;all Saul I; the est Ocala Jckson. I'm an Diet Ian and my best rafe is bay?...

'90s see: doing the wild thing.

B.B King replacing a broken guitar strong missing at a live once rt as he sings: tech me how to make love.........go...

1992 Oliver studio audience at a Tv=show taping: let;s HOOP AND HOLLER for no reason!!!

Alex p; Keaton l HRY!!! family Tos is a serious family drama. not a second...

Bib Joslinsl have you ever watched Tvy htough ovulates?...

Krill: he young king; Smule I a box of Cir Flakes...

Commie tevemsL bit I ok NOTHING like Maulyn Montoe...

at the con tea Gates McFadden is signing headshots arguing with a fan:

Gates MvGfaddem: spr, folks, B&W headshots only, I ran out of color ones. I know, right. why am I a redhead?

The winger: Trump bought the WB and i OST m will to lie. what did I do know? in terms of live. I;m o tomatoes and I dontl believe in Jesus.

Hates: itp;s just, the WB had some gogo cartoons.

ye ringers yeah, HSD.

hates; you can still watrch this cartoons/ when you watch old cartoons it;s lost slide etahig  new cartoons...

TeEnegrl I;m just realizing now that the entirety of y for ahs bene consumed with only cartoons. not worth epol; pr Jon sills. I didn't plan for this...

gates: you really should;t seeking they on a message hard. you need an actual professional psychiatrist o doula. go to Italy. pay a woman to high you for an hour.

back at the Mars house.

Rahman Run slow; Greta work PIU there, you saved that kid;s ife he was probably gonna kill himself.

gates: that as a 59-uear=o;d apron who lives with him so rents and plays with fills; those are the oNKY men I meet at conventions.

NFL,a rinswo; well I better be going able home.........to da Dtonio...

Gates; but the USS Enterprise pris has just docked at PTI item... 

FLOOD THE GATES: THE IMPOSSIBLE FRIENDSHIP

 

Grandma Winslow: i'm 60 and that's old enough for this world to call me Grandma. so i need a distraction.

Jen R: wait haven't i seen you round the neighborhood? do you have a son named Brian? tan Brady Bunch hair?

Grandma Winslow: that's him. he drinks from the hose on every front lawn in the neighborhood, wheels out his drum kit in the middle of the cul-de-sac, puts on his sunglasses, takes out his wooden drumsticks, and BANGS the fuck outta those drums all night long.

Jen: Brian was my boyfriend for a couple Christmases.

me: i tried to take those drumsticks out of Brian's hands but his fingers were a vise grip. he was way too close to my future self, i panicked and let go. 

Grandma Winslow: you see why i go hardcore with my Star Trek fandom?

Grandma Winslow: i had the most AMAZING experience at the San Antonio Star Trek convention!!! Gates McFadden herself came up to me and started chatting with me like we were old friends. she was not being a gatekeeper. this kinda stuff NEVER happens to me!!!

Jen: what did you talk about?

Grandma Winslow: old-lady stuff, knitting. does she have a son, too? i forgot. grandkids. we both have white hair. we're both 60!!!

Richard Dawson: the monk saw the nun and his habit returned...

Pope Bob: my mom was a nun, that's how i got in the family business.

dad: Bosnia. i fretted over that '90s Sarajevo war/ as i fell in love with Christiane Amanpour...

ESPN: who wants to talk to a male volleyball player?...

Mitchel Musso: call me Mousse. as in '90s hair gel. what am i doing now? NOT watching TV, playing Arena Ball, masturbating, still drinking milk, making tacos and poutine for everyone at the Aspen Ideas Festival. Miley Cyrus looks weird as a woman...

Fareed Zakaria: frijoles, Spanish rice, all Indian food that became Mexican food. as a global order we must make the distinction that this is saffron rice, not orange rice...

Juan Epstein: Robert Heck-yes...

Congo: we're sick of war with Rwanda, let the courts decide. let the courts decide every disagreement between two countries before it becomes war...

Stefanos Tsitsipas: i wanted my face to be on the drachma. the ancient drachma. i wanted to bed Shirley Valentine. when i died i wanted to ascend to Mount Olympus. instead, i will only ever be known as the guy who went to the bathroom. i shoulda been a janitor...

Congo: remember when we were Zaire?

Rebecca Lowe in a leopard dress: you got no chance with me, Zlatan, no chance...

Grandma Winslow: know how you know a 60-year-old woman on Instagram likes you?

me: tell me, i'm desperate for a gilf to love me.

Grandma Winslow: she sends you something and says, "i don't know why, but i thought you'd appreciate this..."

Waldo: where was i hiding? i was Pizza Guy in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, check the T-shirt...

Get a Life: this show was doing anti-comedy decades before Tim & Eric.

Handsome Boy: ...

Chris Elliott: did my daughter Abby marry Tim Heidecker?.........we dodged a bullet on that one...

Felicia's Journey: Who Framed Roger Rabbit without any of those silly cartoons...

Bob Hoskins: bring the cartoons back!!! i need lighthearted fare to heal!!!

Medieval times: you're only gonna live to 30, why waste half your life in school?...

Dressrosa: instead of watching this ENTIRE One Piece arc, you coulda had a kid!!!

Doflamingo: i told you to go out there and make some happy memories for yourself with your loved ones.

Open Your Eyes: you'll heal if George Lucas is your prison therapist...

Tom Cruise: why didn't you ever put me in one of your movies?

George Lucas: i thought you were lost in the Vanilla Nebula...

Grandma Winslow on the phone: hello? is this really Gates McFadden?!!!

Gates McFadden on her PADD phone: is your phone in the shape of Jean-Luc Picard's bald head?

Grandma Winslow: yes.

Gates: you left such an impression on me at the con i had to call you at your home using your private number. 

Grandma Winslow: i was just about to cook up some carnival food for lunch, want some?

Gates: we're more than friends, we're besties.

Grandma Winslow: but how? i'm but one of a billion Star Trek fans out there like the billion stars in deep space. do you really like the sewing shit? i'm but a lowly sewist from San Antonio.

Gates: i'm so glad i'm now away from the state of Texas. no, silly, it's because you told me you got in the field of nursing because you saw me saving alien lives on the small screen, i inspired you.  

Grandma Winslow: nursing helped me crack my coke addiction from the '80s.

Gates: remember? we were wearing matching blue medical Starfleet uniforms? 

Grandma Winslow has fainted in her own home. the house is silent.

Gates: get a pad and pencil, i'll give you the address, visit me in my own private home tomorrow...

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: IT WAS BETTER WHEN HE WAS FACELESS

 

Jen R: feeling better?

Banksy: no. nobody looks at my art anymore and sees the subtle political underleanings. they just see my ugly face.

Jen: you're having an identity crisis but in reverse.

Banksy: how do i inspire again? 

Jen: you need a pseudonym...

Jen R on the dusty-green telephone: it's okay, we can talk now, we can talk again.

me: what happened to Banksy?

Jen: he's feeling like himself.........which is an unknown...

me: so where was Banksy staying this whole time?

Jen: my place.

Banksy at Jen's place: the minute-long Burger King commercial where the new president kicks the creepy King plastic-head-can't-talk-mouth mascot out of his hostel and vows to make the Whopper taste like it did in the '80s, that's the only thing that gives me hope for the world right now!!!

bodega: it has to have a coin-operated horsey ride out front for the kids.

Sorsby: forget the NFL, i'm entering the supplemental Scooby draft. i bet you i can solve the mystery of the old miner, grow the first goatee in the '70s on my chin, become Shaggy, and disappear.

Fred: none of us had jobs, we all just wandered the countryside solving mysteries in our van for free. we'd eat when we'd drive into the city...

Lili Estefan: Rauly? Raulie?

Raul De Molina: no, Rauli to match with Lili...

Atom Egoyan: omg my daughter Lucine in Calendar is Paris Jackson!!!

Paris Jackson: no it's the Afghan Girl from that famous National Geographic cover.

Lucine: ONLY an Armenian name...

the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: but i was a gentle giant. i don't get it, look at my derpy face, i have a derpier face than Vinnie Barbarino.

live-shooter drill in the town square: does this make you feel safer? or more scared? let's have a multicultural parade here instead.

Trump: the only way this ALL ends is.........the 2028 general election.........maybe...

Christiane Amanpour: Bosnia vs. the U.S. brings back those old '90s memories when your dad fell in love with me.

dad: Sarajevo. the war. Christiane poured the news into me with a mother's pat. swaddling me in a working mother's pillowy towel. despite being at work she gave me soft yogurt when i came home from school at 3PM...

Christiane: i will always be the greatest Iranian who ever lived...

Suzy Lu wearing a Luffy hat: i'm ready, where do i enlist in the Tartan Army? it's an anime club, right?

Michael Stipe: the "Stand" lyrics make sense if you're a human compass...

Waldo: ...

Rush: the trees...

Chris Elliott: i choked on my cereal and went to Heaven, that's the dream of every single man living with his parents. while up there Abraham Lincoln punched me in the gut. i was witness to Honest Abe's legendary wrestling moves up close.

The Music Man: the ULTIMATE musical.

Anderson Cooper: ...

Lifetime Movies: Hallmark Movies with crime...

black Playboy Bunny: is this progress?...

me: i'm off.

Jen R: leaving?

me: not right.

Jen: have a honey yogurt, it'll restore your pH balance. 

Jamie Lee Curtis: which is just your mental balance. i do NOT look good with long hair...

Jen: why is all the honey yogurt at your place hard?!!!! 

me: i need a chisel, not a spoon.

Jen: there's no such thing as Iranian frozen yogurt...

me: why does all my milk taste metallic? the expiration date is July 4.

Jen R: revolutions are messy, they require guns.

me: and the Heinz Chili Sauce.

Jen: right? it's just ketchup, they forgot to put chilis in there, all the bottles look the same.

our dusty-green telephone sits on top of an unfinished Banksy street stencil about the Three-State Solution in army-fatigue green that looks like olive-branch green. 

me: i give up, all spaghetti sauce tastes terrible. 

Jen R at my place: Rao's Marinara. and homestyle mini-meatballs. the Kraft parmesan cheese in the green shaker is more powdery than you remember from the '80s. there, you've reclaimed your spaghetti for dinner!!!

me: i am devoted to you.  

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: PUFFA

 

Jen R on the powder-green telephone: i gotta go, Banksy is depressed.

me on the phone: talk to you soon.

Jen: i'm not a psychiatrist.

me: i don't trust clinical psychiatrists, only street psychiatrists.

Jen: so i set him up with a friend to talk to. he needs a friend, not a doctor. 

Banksy at his place: i'm freaking out, man.

Harvey Pekar: calm down, Banksy. be chill like me. it's not that bad. life is happy.

Banksy: for you always but not me this time. i'm peak stress. i wish i could hide from everyone forever.........wait, that's what i'd BEEN doing!!! i can never hide again.

Harvey: listen, Robin.

Banksy: at least call me Davey!!!

Harvey: do you know why i went BUCK WILD on Letterman that one time? they didn't feed me in the dressing room, i was HUNGRY!!!

Jen R: okay we can talk. crisis averted. all i have to do is fetch Banksy a Puffa jacket so he feels like a New Yorker again. so he feels he can blend into the crowd again. 

me: i'm at church with Jaleel White's mom, she wears all-white: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. her fellow church divas are all little old short ladies in eggshell blue: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. she lines the church ladies all neatly up in a row in the pew and SLAPS them all across the face in one fell gloved swoop slap for disrespecting her son for being Urkel.

Jen: that was a surreal one. your dreams are always so much more interesting than your real life...

Lorne Michaels: you want living history? watch the first SNL after a new American President has taken office...

Hunter S. Thompson: don't be afraid of me, i'm just Ernest from Ernest Goes to Camp...

Denny's: there is nothing more moldy than three blue dots in your giant potato pancake that's been sitting in your fridge for four months in our impossible-to-open suction-suck circle black containers.

Marketa Vondrousova: listen man, it's not like that, man.

Scooby-Doo: it was market forces. people don't buy Vidal Sassoon no more.

Marketa: my new husband Shaggy, man, we solve crimes in a van. is the dog talking or is that the weed talking? we're children of the flower. i don't like the popo knowing about me, knowing where i am at all times, knowing where i'm going, harassing me, having me on file.

Chutes and Ladders: if Sesame Street was a board game...

Trading Places: who knew Coleman could act?...

Don Ameche: i'm pizza.

Lili Estefan: when do the soccer players go to the bathroom?

Raul De Molina: that's what the hydration break is for, Lili: pee.

Lili: what if they have to go poo, Rauly?

Raul: they poo on the pitch, Lili. they pinch one out on the pitch.

Melissa Maker: when the next man comes along? well he won't be wearing a cowboy hat, this is Canada, not Mexico!!!

Chad Reynolds: ...

me: i love you.

Jen R: you wouldn't say that if you saw me now. i'm fat.

me: bah!!! i love your soul, not your body.

Jen: you say that but...

me: oh now i get it, the puffa jacket was for YOU!!! to hide your whale body in shame.

Jen: i'm not THAT bad. huh, maybe i can believe a man in this one instance...

Jen R on the dusty-green phone: Calendar teaches us to always respond to messages. 

me on the phone: there's nothing worse than unanswered letters.

Atom Egoyan: call her back while naked on a leather couch.