AMELIA EARHART FINDING HERSELF: CRABS

 

Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan have been stranded on that obscure island for an eternity now.

Fred Noonan: how long has it been?

Amelia Earhart: i stopped counting after six months...or was it six years?...

Fred: the world stopped caring about us long ago...

Amelia: yeah. in the future when radar improves Purdue university is gonna send a team out here thinking a smudge they saw on their radar was our plane. but it's just gonna be THIS coconut tree here.

Fred: are you a witch? what happened to our plane?

Amelia: it was turned to cake by the natives.

natives: we are well-rested. we don't have bones in our noses, we use bones for healing bone broth like everyone else.

Amelia: around the world...

Fred: Around the World?!!! that nasty recess playground game involving the tagging of butts?

Amelia: no, that was what we were gunning for, woman-style. *sigh* oh well. no, dear, you're thinking of hopscotch...

David Bowie: i was even God in God Told Me To, but it was STILL better being David Bowie...

Walker: treat my third leg.

Jackie Fitzgerald: you want me to suck your cock on our windowsill? our poor flowers will get trampled!!!

Walker: just the shaft, not the balls.

Jackie: we're not doing roleplay here, babe. i'm not really a nurse. i'm trying to treat your sprained leg the best i can.

Walker: great Queensryche song. i got this falling off YOUR roof doing roofwork for you.

Jackie getting misty in the eyes: i thought it'd be our roof by now...

Walker: you see how i left my power saw on top of your roof? that was so cool. that was so manly.

Frankie Muniz: the Malcolm in the Middle revival, it was supposed to be a celebration of the show and my good fortune, you know? the good life i had accumulated. "life is unfair," i really need to pay attention to my show's intro song!!!

Space Adventure Cobra: Japanese G.I. Joe...

Kohler: because a smart toilet demands a black evening gown in Downtown sunset...

Manchester City: the #1 thing ordered at a pub is banana pie...

macadamia: no, you're thinking of hazelnut...

Ben Affleck on the subway: if i had done Fargo instead of Argo, i'd still be married to J.Lo...

Kara Swisher: i'm not a WNBA player...

Battle Beyond the Stars: that was not our planned ending, but we ran out of money...

Space Adventure Cobra live-action: Rutger Hauer as Cobra, Selma Blair as Armaroid Lady, Telly Savalas as Crystal Bowie, and as the triplets: Diane Keaton, Jean Harlow, and Cher...

Batman, singing: happy birthday to you, you smell like a zoo...

English football: we were founded by the Freemasons? that explains so much...

Pumpkinhead: that country twang of a Red Shoe Diaries episode...

Stan Winston: why does every horror movie have a boy in pajamas?

Lance Henriksen: you see my face? yeah. the only way i was gonna be a sex symbol was by my body...

Allan Kayser: yeah i always had more the face of a frat boy than the face of a ginger bubba mama's country boy...

Amelia Earhart: you gave me crabs.

Fred Noonan: but we fucked for the first time only last night!!!

Amelia: you were the one who navigated us to this lonely desert isle, i wanted to crash-land in Hawaii!!!

Fred: is that Gilligan's skeleton over there?...

Fred: what do we do about these giant crabs surrounding us on this sandbar? the tide will soon come in and evaporate our sandcastle stronghold.

Amelia: think like Super Mario, man!!! jump on their heads with our combat boots and snort the fire flowers that come out of their bellies.

Fred: i never thought of that...

Amelia: these crabs are just mad because they think we're stealing their coconuts. give them ALL the coconuts on this island. that means cutting down even the coconut tree that was supposed to be our plane!!!

Fred; no, not that coconut tree!!! but that's our only hope!!! will a metal beard-shaver blade suffice as the tree ax?

PRO NOK HOCKEY: MAKING LOVE TO HEAL A BROKEN BODY

 

Jen R: remember how you score a goal?

me: if the wood puck is just BARELY in the goal from the inside of the playing surface, you take your little cute cozy plastic hockey stick, run it adjacent to the goal, slide it, and if the puck moves in ANY way, it's a goal.

Jen does a goalie shot by placing her thumb and forefinger on the wood block with the wood puck against it and WHOOSH it banks into the goal and right into my stomach!!!

i am stunned for seven days.

Jen: sorry. that was actually my lightest Naruto Shocker.

dad: you love hard, never apologize for that. my son is lucky to have you.

Jen: thank you, sir.

me: you knocked me over!!!

Jen: with my love.

me: yes.

dad: you two should make love to heal his stomach, that will go farther than any meal you put in there to fill him, ask any man.

Jen: thank you, sir.

Dana Plato: i could have played D'arcy in the Smashing Pumpkins TV movie!!!

Drake Bell: wanna do a movie together?

Heather Matarazzo: i don't have a choice, i have to now...

Jane Goodall: "our planet is pretty incredible," a sports guy can't say that!!! you know? it has to be someone like me saying that.

Chrystia Freeland: you have a crush on me. and it's not just the tits. you see my face, you hear what i have to say in my dulcet tones. and you want to be a reliable boyfriend for me. Justin Trudeau was my dream.........but he broke my heart when he took up with that unknown American Katy Perry who apparently knows how to make a lot of sheet-pan dinners...

Lindt: enjoy our Bourbon Balls with walnut brownies this Christmas...

Gladyce: wash that glass bottle of spaghetti sauce out with your favorite dish brush, let that dish brush get STAINED with all that red goodness.

fromo: fear of missing the frost...

you can have chips without salsa but you can't have salsa without chips.

Lili Estefan: our 30-year career together, it was much more hard for me to remain SKINNY than for you to remain fat.

Raul De Molina: I ALMOST DIED!!!.........not from being fat, from a car fire on the savanna...

Brett Somers: i won't sell my soul for an old man's gold.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i don't mind being gay, but i couldn't bear it if i was old.

emoji: there's no "I'm sorry" emoji...

Ericka: a Lucky's Supermarkets patch was sewn into my jeans while i was sleeping...

toaster: you've never toasted anything at the 1 setting...

Agony: the British Maude...

Mr. Kotter: NYC in the 1970s? easy. don't shoot junk into your veins. pick your prom date from the fondue party, not the street. play basketball. go to kung-fu movies.

dad: remember, faintly, when i told you about that thing William Shatner was in?

me: yes, it's hazy but it's here.

dad: i want to say William Faulkner so badly but it's William Shatner. but it wasn't Star Trek!!! it was another science-fiction thing, a more obscure thing.

Jen: The Ray Bradbury Theater...

dad: yes!!! and i told you the episode was about how this kid wants to fit in with the other kids but his father, Captain Kirk himself, is afraid of his son getting bullied at the one neighborhood playground, that dirty dingy silver hard-metal playground with the pewter slide and tin swings. broken brown bricks in the back. and how there was an air of simmering melancholy throughout the episode. of people taking long swaths of silent time to think deeply about things. and in the end Will Shat turns into his childhood self: the bullied boy who was trying to save his son from his own fate. the nightmare of a gang of rowdy kids, girls included, with no parents around, giving in to their baser instincts, beating up one hapless boy in shorts with freckles and scraped knees who looked like Opie Taylor, a young Ron Howard. 

me: at this point i thought you had taken too much ginkgo biloba, dad.

Jen: kids can turn mean fast.

 

PRO NOK HOCKEY: MAN IN RICOCHET

 

dad: so how are you finding being a professional Nok Hockey player?

me: i'm good in Los Angeles. when i get to Bahrain my skills falter.

dad: don't slapshot the wood puck at the wood block, you'll never score a goal like that. you gotta use the angles.

dad: wait is this box hockey? the game we played as kids? 

me: kinda.

dad: what's up with the hair?

me: yeah i know. i was trying for something but i just look like a dolt.

dad: a dolt, not an adult.

me: like these big curls here, you see? i grew it out because i was lazy. i was going for the Carlos Alcaraz with his wavy Spanish luxurious locks. but my hair is none of those things.

dad: you look like a wet mouse. you know what this is, right? your hair was my hair when i was a 50-year-old man.

me: yes, that must be it, it's my subconscious tribute to you. after all, these are your hair genes.   

Skye Lee: never has a woman made you feel more guilty about watching porn...

Patti Deutsch: college is going to four colleges in four years, right?...

Avery Schreiber: my entire career was: Doritos. my entire life was a bag of fucking chips!!!

Space Adventure Cobra: same villains as Voltron...

Jem: and the female bounty hunter is me!!!

Luigi: swim your fat ass, Mario!!!

cutting lines: don't cut these lines.........from the script.

Ericka from Lucky: pro hack: place all your items SIDEWAYS in your grocer bag.

Ericka from Lucky: sometimes finally getting chips again is enough to make your week.

Billy Corgan: my audition for David Lynch was my song "My Blue Heaven..."

Selma Blair: i'm not Martina Navratilova...

Gemelli: imagine being the hospital where the pope dies...

new Burger King chicken nuggets: they're just our chicken fries in nugget form...

John Lennon: Don Draper's not a hippie!!! I came up with the "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" song for Coke!!!

Julia Roberts in Dying Young: "to see if you shit," that was a funny line i had to deliver seriously while crying...

Klimt: kinda cool how this movie ends with tits.

Wolf Blitzer: may her blessing be a memory.........wait...

Fosters Freeze: Sunshine & Happiness.........we're not a cult...

the Fosters Freeze mascot: ...

traffic reporter: our camera NEVER works!!! our camera shot ALWAYS ducks out during the live broadcast!!! i'm getting sick of this fucking shit!!! are we still live?...

Billy Corgan: you know we rock stars never notice what we're wearing on stage. do you remember that Kurt Cobain wore a hot-pink shirt the first time he performed "Smells Like Teen Spirit" live?...

dad: i want you to think back to when we watched Black Books together.

me: you were long dead.

dad: yes but i must have planted the seed of the show into you, described it for you, we were locked into any memory about books or bookshops, especially used bookshops.

me: i do have a vague recollection, a blurry notion. you described the show in an Irish accent.

dad: you must be like Manny in Black Books in life, creature. you see how Manny is always on his toes, jumping around, running from room to room, thinking about the next task he has to accomplish, the next pile of books he has to manhandle. always be moving. always be shooting out of that back curtain.

Bernard Black: emphasis on the first syllable of my first name. did you know my middle name was Ludwig? as in that famous composer, he wrote music books. no, i will NOT do another Britcom, they're too hard. they use two cameras instead of three. six episodes a season? i'll reconsider and do more Black Books ONLY if there's an episode were Tamsin Greig orgasms over ME!!!

 

  

PRO NOK HOCKEY: THAT WOOD BLOCK IS THE GOALIE?

 

me: i'm a pro Nok Hockey player now.

Jen R: well good for you. ah those Nok Hockey memories, thousands of tabletop boards atop trash cans in an empty grey-carpeted HUGE auditorium on the UCLA campus.

me: summer theatre camp, the '80s. 

Jen: those days are never coming back. but you've somehow hung onto them this way, impressive.

dad: i'm your sports psychologist.

me: DAD?!!! you hung the moon.

dad: for you, literally. i was the architect of the '80s, i am what made the '80s the '80s for you.

me: yes, i only realized this like last year. all that '80s magic was YOU. but you were never a pushy parent, a football dad.

dad: nor a ballet dad for that matter. how are you doing on the circuit?

 

me: i just need a little refresh on the rules and i'm sure the results will follow.

dad: is the middle circle blue or red?

me: that's tricky. when do you put the wood puck on the red circle?

dad: i think it's like when it goes out over there? off the board into the potato salad? the wood block at the top of the Goal Zone mountain is supposed to be the goalie.

me: that blew my mind, i had no idea. i thought it was just the place where you take your thumb and forefinger and shoot that cool squeeze shot with the wood puck banking it into the goal.

dad: the Shocker. i think you mean carroming. my little plastic hockey stick is blue...

Kayce: what kind of name is that for a Yellowstone cowboy? the epitome of a man!!!

All Souls Day: we have to let the Saints have their day BEFORE us, the important people, we're just the nobodies...

a naked Rebecca Lowe and a naked Leslie Sbrocco are at Premier League Fan Fest in Denver.

Rebecca Lowe: you're used to eating food, but i'm eating your cunt.

Leslie Sbrocco: needs wine.

a naked Shorey Wesen: hey i want in on this too!!!

Leslie: PBS babes only.

Rebecca: PBS stands for Premier Brand Soccer...

Billy Corgan: why was "1979" our highest-charting song? we have WAY better songs than "1979"!!! "By Starlight" is a perfect song, not just a perfect wedding song. "Cherub Rock" continually gets a 100 on Guitar Hero. it's just so frustrating.

Morrissey: i'm gonna do a cover of "Monster Mash." all Smiths songs sound like "Monster Mash..."

Pizza My Heart: we deliver.........in a Scooby van...

Walker: Pizza My Heart is where i get ALL my food...

the TRUE Super Mario Bros 2, 1986, Japan: it was more like Super Mario Bros Second Quest.

Little Mario: that leaf windstorm tho!!! and me without my coat. as a full-grown man i'm one foot tall...

Luigi: everyone forgets that this was timed. you only had five minutes to complete a level, you had to HURRY!!! move your fat ass, Mario!!!

Brulee in One Piece: Brett Somers...

Meet the Press: kinda cool how the 3 Roundtable guests all sit at that tiny LOW circular coffee table before they go on air.

Tim Russert: the on-deck circle...

Luke Russert: but why those TINY chairs, dad? they're like chairs from a kindergarten, nobody's adult butt can fit in them.

Tim Russert: not even Twiggy's butt when she was on Meet the Press, i remember my dad interviewing her for Meet the Press...

Bill Parcells: look at me bouncing this football like it's a basketball, that is cool.

women's college soccer: oh yeah, you're watching this...

i'm lying on the couch.

dad: supine, remember when you had to wear a back brace?

me: i blocked that out until just now. 

dad: that's why you didn't go to prom. you're thinking to yourself that you remember seeing that leaf windstorm in the Mario game, you just forgot about it.

me: yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now!!! i saw that leaf windstorm at Toys R Us!!! the screen was behind glass. the cool neighborhood skateboarder kid was playing as Mario of course, i was always just a watcher.

dad: remember when i told you about that movie about the guy with cancer who was bored at the dinner table because his future wife and new best friend were dumber than he was, they didn't go to college, they couldn't understand his art-history references, he answered every question on Jeopardy right like i did.

me: YES!!! well i finally saw Dying Young. i had to ask you what leukemia was as a kid when you described it to me. 

dad: now we can talk about how it was baffling to all of us how Vincent D'Onofrio never made a play for Julia Roberts. at least Vincent should have told Campbell Scott that he'd be there for Julia after Campbell died, you know?

me: you're a good shrink, dad.