THE GREAT SOCK HUNT: CAN YOU GET SOCKS AT A GAS STATION?

 

Javier at Safeway: hello, how are you today?

me: i'm looking for socks. just ordinary socks. haven't had new socks in 13 years. 

Javier: can you get socks at a gas station? because you can't get them here.

me: i'll check.........i guess.

Javier: everyone around here thinks i work at a gas station. because i'm Mexican. every time you get another packet of Boar's Head THICK bacon, you think of me, because i'm the one who cut it up. i'm the butcher boy around here.

Javier: you see that woman over there stocking the catnip?

me: oh yeah, Chola Butt. i've seen her, i mean everyone's seen her...

Javier: it's okay, vato, i get it, her butt is LEGENDARY. her butt is bigger than Planet Earth which is impossible. i've read ancient Aztec legends about this. her face softens the burning red poker in the fireplace of my loins. she looks like if Winona Ryder were Mexican.

me: she isn't?

LeBron James: i'm gonna make ALL the teams wait for me. i'm gonna put on my eyeglasses and backwards felt baseball cap and be Kadeem Hardison from A Different World for a while this summer.

Rescue from Gilligan's Island: this was WEIRD without a laugh track. 

Judith Baldwin: yeah, but this is how TV is done, you do the entire episode saying your jokes and not one person laughs, dead silence on set...

Zalman King: the man is all alone in his whitestone Santorini castle below grey sky, airing his citadel out through the paneless stucco windows. not a soul for miles along the craggy coast lined with green grass. taking off his shirt he gets to work furiously SCRUBBING the 18th-century tub of all the light-orange/brown grime from the centuries. on his knees he envisions his castle siren, in this tub shortly he anticipates that olive-skinned woman from the cafe with the muscular buttocks. the tub shall be the bed. there's no water in the tub, the two will fuck to the undulation of how they imagine the dark-blue waters off the Greek sea to be.

Randolph Mantooth: i couldn't save myself :(

Jen R: bite yourself. a little bloodletting. a dot of blood on your thumb to let the infection out. it frees and relaxes the body. bite me. i mean that as an offer...

Cindy and i are at Islands.

me: okay i'll get the Ocean Burger.

Cindy Lorenz: and i'll have the lobster.........the lobster was dry. how can lobster from the ocean be dry?...

Emily Ratajkowski: 12-way.........bidding war for my book...

Maradona: let's travel back in time, shall we? The Hand of God was nothing more than a handball not seen by the refs. not divine. you guys beat us in the Falklands War, it evens out. a deathbed apology 60 years later is still an apology...

Maradona: so, Harry Kane, your Christmas present from me to you this year is a candy cane and this VAR machine.

Harry Kane: and i'm on that 1994 England team that DOES make the World Cup, i make friends with Alexi Lalas and grow out my ginger Van Dyke mustache and goatee so i can FINALLY be cool.

Alexi Lalas: JUST a soulpatch isn't cool.

Billy Bob Thornton: ...

John Strong: 45 minutes down, 45 *voice cracks* minutes to go...

Harry Kane: mate you want my illegal Tijuana lozenges?

Talia the cat: i'm scared of spiders. but that is my own hairball lithely dancing on eight legs...

Vampire's Kiss: because Nic Cage is doing The Room, it's good...

Maria Conchita Alonso's mother: i'm complimenting my daughter when i tell her to get her little ass to work.

Maria Conchita Alonso: no, mama, the Latina chola butt is ROUND.

Nic Cage with hot yogurt on his toes: i'm gonna call you MCA, that's cool.

Alvin from Alvin & the Chipmunks: ...

Jamie Lee Curtis: i never meant for yogurt to turn into a sex thing.

Jen R: July 4th is the best birthday to have.

Tom Cruise in a wheelchair taking out his penis pump: Born on the Fourth of July ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Hayao Miyazaki: actually, being born on July 11th is the ideal, 7-11, my favorite place to dip my hot dog in a slushie.

Billy Corgan: i got on the Slurpee diet for a good two years, have you ever noticed you've never seen me fat?...

me: so why don't you approach her and ask her out? it won't be awkward, you're coworkers.

Javier: a mere Mexican mortal asking out a greasy grey goddess?!!!

me: but your cock is shriveling as we speak!!! how old are you? don't you want a family?

Javier: i'm 40, family time has passed me by. besides, deciding to have a family is the most CONSEQUENTIAL decision you will ever make in this life, next to whether or not you decide to go crazy. you can't take that shit lightly. maybe in the next life...

Chola Butt: there's no next life!!! it's now or never!!! 

KIDQUIZ: DON'T BE SO HARD ON THE KIDS

 

Lucio Rossi's dad: next question, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Lucio Rossi: yeah you WISH this show was as good as that one, as iconic.

Carmen Sandiego: Belize. the answer is i'm always in Belize, i can speak English while still being Spanish...

Lucio Rossi's dad: okay smart guy, what will the World Cup final be in a week?

Lucio: that's Patrick Lavender's favorite guy!!! he is best suited to answer. he's on my left?...

Mark Blatty: oh shit, Patrick Lavender is not paying attention to the video monitor!!! he's playing a Nintendo game...

Lucio Rossi's dad: no swearing on a kid's show, you little shit.

Jen R in the studio audience: hey you better get up there, these are our schoolmates. it's weird how the studio audience of kids sits in FRONT of the game contestants in a seated position.

me: Indian-style in the '80s. okay, let me get up there on stage. wow, now i know what it feels like to be an actor!!! the studio lights really are hot!!!

Lucio Rossi's dad: who's this tosser?

Lucio: my best friend, dad!!!

me: Trump, he's already paid for the U.S/England final...

Patrick Lavender looking up from the big screen after having warped to Level 8: i knew that...

Elvis: i ALMOST made it to the '80s. that's crazy to think about: i'm doing Entertainment Tonight interviews with Mary Hart. i'm dancing on stage shaking my jeaned butt with George Michael, we have the same acoustic guitar. i'm voicing a character on The Smurfs, i'm Gargamel's good-hearted lute-playing city brother who comes to visit...

Arsinee Khanjian in Felicia's Journey: they really leaned into my FRENCH side, not my Armenian side...

Nadal: don't get it twisted, grass is harder on the knees than clay. 

Federer: thanks for making me feel even WORSE. The Greatest Match my Swiss-cheese buttocks.

banana bread: the smell of Christmas.

Arthur Fery: Ferytale.........hmmm.........i'm watching you, British press, don't try anything clever, don't call me a poof...

Trinity: i'm a cat, i'm eternally suspicious of EVERYTHING. i know that's water in my bowl but i don't trust it...

CoffeeMate Original flavor: i'm mild tantric.

Matt at the Ralphs in Tarzana: i will ONLY give you your change in $50 bills. there's only one $50 bill in a Ralphs cash register at any one time during the year.

Meals on Wheels chefs: we cook ropa vieja pork. yeah. surprised ya. we're more talented than Gordon Ramsay but he never brings his cameras here...

Gordon Ramsay in his old soccer clothes: ...

Drew Barrymore: E.T. talked to me, he told me to kick the drugs and start getting high on life...

Jackie Joseph: i'm Mary Tyler Moore but instead of wearing a beret i wear a Mario hat...

Green Day: there's just ONE Dookie album with a Bert puppet crowdsurfing on the back cover, it's worth a million dollars. 

Lucio Rossi's dad: ST. CYRIL'S WINS KIDQUIZ!!!

Lucio: fuck yeah.

Lucio's dad: i'm okay.

Lucio: do you know what this means?!!! with this Amiga computer in our Catholic school's lab, no osprey will be caught in a water net again. no mine cart will ever not be filed with a heaping tablespoon of diamonds. and most of all, we get a cure for dysentery!!! because the Oregon Trail will henceforth be known as the Portland Trail.  

Lucio's dad: what is the cure for dysentery?

Jen's husband: in true Portland style, to get addicted to just the computer games you can find at a library. 

KIDQUIZ: THE RALPHS IN TARZANA

 

Lucio Rossi's dad: i'm lucid.

Lucio's dad: okay so for getting past a few rounds in the bracket, beating a few schools, beating those schools DOWN, not bully-wise, intelligence-wise.

bully: no bully is wise.

Lucio's dad: i'm giving you grocery certificates to the Ralphs in Tarzana, go nuts. i'll join you there shortly.

Lucio's dad: this is a nice Ralphs!!!

Liza: thank you. i planted the vines in here myself. 

Lucio: got anything to eat? my bubble but needs nourishment.

Liza: i'm looking at your swarthy face and i recommend a small box of Calcutta Spanish rice.

Mark Blatty: donuts is skateboard food.

Liza: hey strange 4th Grader with the long hair, don't eat one of our sugar donuts if it's yellow.

Patrick Lavender: lady i'm trying to beat Mario in one day.

Lucio's dad: my cousin in Sicily?

Patrick: Super Mario. got a case of RC Cola, the stuff that makes you wobbly?

Liza: i know sugary drinks give dorks that instant high, but try water with a lemon wedge, it's the same thing, it works, look how small my body is.

Venezuelan parrot: i survived 9 days in the twin earthquakes, my "master" Captain Hook did not...

Jen invites me to the Spike and Mike's Festival of Animation in La Jolla. 

Jen R: Bill Plympton is an old friend of mine, he made me explode once.

me: my balls are itching.

Jen: did you dip them in the acid on the floor?

me: my balls are touching.

Bill Plympton gets on stage. to the bizarrement of the rowdy potted audience, Bill looks nothing like everyone was assuming he'd look.

Bill Plympton: who's Spike and who's Mike?

Spike and Mike: we're just two surfer dudes who came up with the adult swim ethos before adult swim!!! look at that 1977 poster over there!!! we did the Garbage Pail Kids design first!!! but we did copy off Cheech & Chong.

Bill Plympton: why aren't i doing the CARTOON version of the Aeon Flux movie? you know? i did the Aeon Flux design first!!!

Jen raising her hand: sir, why does the guy in I Married A Strange Person look like JFK?...

Bill Plympton: if i wasn't drawing, i'd be in prison. i mean look at the stuff i get away with in my cartoons. there's a lot of anger deep in there. the human face was not meant to STRETCH that way...

Andy Roddick: i'm commentating Wimbledon now? talk about ruining a holy tournament. once and for all, in the immortal words of the dwarf Bud Collins: "tennis is dead."

Adam Sandler: it's hard to argue with your wife when you're kissing her.........i should do a movie on THAT, it'll be my first good movie...

Michael Jackson: McHale Jackson? i always wanted my own Navy.

Trump: wait so i just ruined the entre World Cup tournament? 

Tony Kornheiser: that was the first time EVER i said the words President Donald Trump in PTI history!!!

Matt Freese: i froze.

Poch: what the fuck was that aborted half-kick?!!! now i have to live in West Virginia!!!

Matt Freese: just go back to Argentina, stop making me cry!!! stop making me feel bad!!!

Poch: i can't, Leo Messi kicked me out of his coastal villa for not calling him Lio Messi. 

Lionel Messi: like Lion Messi, i'm one of the Three Lions...

Noah: ironically there were no seals on the ark...

Instagram: all that motivational stuff on here is pure junk. 

Honeytta: money is energy.

Michael Weiss: watch the Tool "Vicarious" music video instead...

Tilly Norwood: i have a British accent to make me seem more legit.

Nic Cage: my British accent in Vampire's Kiss was a surfer dude trying to sound British and becoming a WASP meme, not a bat meme. i can't blame the drink, i wasn't drinking back then. Eddie Vedder was so ashamed of my acting in that movie he never surfed with me again. and Holt Hanley became Pearl Jam's drummer...  

Tilly Norwood: i'm Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within in REAL life...

Erling Haaland: i'm not a scary Viking, i'm that Viking from the comics.

Colwyn in Krull: i had on the same pants as Jesus in Godspell!! obviously that's very symbolic...

Lucio's dad: can i smoke in here?...

Liza eats Lucio Sr.'s cigarette.

Liza: sex trick i do in bed that makes the men's toes curl.

Lucio's dad: just kidding. you saw how short i was and assumed i was Danny DeVito in Twins...

Lucio's dad: got anything for headache?

Liza: you'd have to divorce your wife. there's no Excedrin for that, man. Lucio Rossi's mom is not for the fainthearted man. i saw how she took that rolling pin to your face when you cheated on her.

Liza: you are not a joke no matter what your wife says. around town. i believe in rehabilitation by video monitor.

 

KIDQUIZ: THOSE VIDEO QUESTIONS THO

 

announcer in the sky: from Television City in beautiful Downtown Sherman Oaks!!! it's Kidquiz!!! you know, that game show you sort of remember coming on locally in Los Angeles Saturday mornings at like 6:30AM right before the cartoons?

Lucio's dad: this isn't edutainment, this is educational programming that takes the place of school. and i'm your host, Lucio Rossi's dad!!!

Lucio Rossi, a contestant on stage, covers his eyes with his big Italian hands.

Lucio's dad: sorry, son, i won't be energetic again. i know i'm your dad but i'm shorter than you. anyway welcome to Kidquiz, i guess i'm doing this. municipal and parochial schools from all across our brimming San Fernando Valley have come together in a March Madness bracket tournament to compete to see who's the best school in Southern California. brackets, you'll gamble on them later in life. 

Lucio: well the smartest school. how did i get smart genes from you?

Lucio's dad: metropolitan my ass. public school my ass. sorry. most of these area schools suck. the expensive private schools like Crestfallen wouldn't accept Lucio, it's the ghetto schools who are gonna kick your ass. sorry. 

Lucio's dad: it's St. Cyril's vs. Alisal in the battle for Encino. son will you introduce your team.

Lucio: dad, here i'm just Lucio. to my left is Patrick Lavender, to my right is Mark Blatty.

Lucio's dad: okay question 1: what is 1+1?.........hurry up, you idiot kids, you don't have time!!! you see the giant dot lights dropping away on that Ancient Roman arch above you? and time is up. morons.

Match Game women: we really thought in the '70s women would never wear a bra again...

me: i'm a Mother of Cats in real life.

Trinity: you watch House of the Dragon?

me: i don't want to invest myself in another long layered show like that and miss my prom again.

Liza at Ralphs carrying six bottles of rose wine on her small shoulders: you know like when the sugar donuts taste like hamburgers...

me with my fro and feral eyes looking like a true Carmel mountain man in the wild: save a bottle for me. that's not a joke, i need to get through today's depression. my life isn't a party.

Liza: my grandma tits are more like shouters...

Weird Al Yankovic: i shall never be a spokesman for AI. nobody will ever confuse my fat Michael Jackson for the real Michael Jackson. why did the Harry Potter kid have to play me? i hate that guy. next time let an AI of me play Weird Al. Weird AI...

Anderson Cooper: we're doing this thing the day BEFORE 4th of July?.........that's just weird...

Fannie Flagg from the South wearing a Bicentennial sweater on Match Game: my two Liberty Bells!!!

Brett Somers: swing that by me again in ragtime...

Mr. Kotter: the county was together in 1976. and the Bicentennial brought us together still. the nostalgia of the niceness of President Jimmy Carter. 

Jimmy Carter: no, Gabe, the country looked to you, President Kotter.

Comcast: is that your cablebox rebooting at 4AM? or the sound of early-morning rain pitter-pattering on your roof...

Jalen Brunson: basketball is a religion...

July 4th in the '80s: all the fast-food places were closed, people were starving, you could only eat the hot dogs you cooked on your grill...

Taylor Swift: when i divorce Travis, man those divorce songs are gonna be great...

Landon Donovan: i can't commentate the U.S./Turkey match, i went to Turkey for my hair transplant.

Alexi Lalas: and i know hair. i'm not only the president, i'm also a member...

Joey Chestnut: guys, if i don't switch to the vegan hot dogs, if i stick with beef hot dogs, i'm gonna FUCKING EXPLODE!!!

Corey Woods: i'm the only woman who could play Bob Ross...

Coco Gauff: see? tennis DOES have a match clock...

Jessie from Saved by the Bell: i'm so excited. and i just can't hide it. no it's okay, England took those caffeine pills just to adjust to the altitude at Azteca.

Lucio's dad: okay time for the video questions. who's the little pipsqueak who hands me the video-question cards? he's late. you're late. i don't like that this sweater makes me look like a Filipino Bill Cosby. look at your monitors, here's the first question: THIS, which is happening right now, will forever change the course of policing in Los Angeles.

Patrick Lavender: i mean DAMN, you actually show kids the Rodney King beating!!!

Lucio's dad: just a one-second clip. it's part of our history now whether we admit it or not. 

Mark Blatty: from coarse to course.

Lucio's dad: don't make me take away your pizza, kid.