ANDY WARHOL'S PUBLICIST: THE CONCERTS WE MISSED

 

Andy Warhol: i'm thinking back to that one summer.

Jen R: 69?

Andy: lewd. okay well maybe it was 1969, that was my fertile period. what's your one concert?

Leslie Sbrocco: Vanilla Ice, his first non-Florida event in Mississippi, those were the days. that exciting mix of dance, putting your hands behind your head, shaking your dick, rapping without a mic, and improv lyrics about my mother.

Mackenzie Phillips: for me it was personal. i was a coke fiend and i really needed help. the Wilson Phillips song "Hold On" to this day has saved countless lives, at least 30,000 would-be suicides. by the dulcet tones of my relatives' voices, rhythms, and harmonies. 

the fat one: mostly the lyrics.

Mackenzie: BUT that song didn't work on me because i was related to the singers. how stupid is that? so i dove headfirst into the street sugar in Indianapolis.

me, crying: my dad used to call me Alien. so i'd like to see Victor Wembanyama play live at Madison Square Garden at least once... 

Beyonce: what's the best concert you ever went to?

Andy: Solange Knowles. period.

Beyonce: *smirking* oh behave.

Mordecai and Rigby: if you're losing hope, if you think the only thing the country cares about anymore is how masculine you are, picture us getting a box of boba at Costco, THIS is the world you want to inhabit...

Jacques Pepin: if i knew swordfish was to be my last-ever dish, i'd've given that swordfish nose to Gene Rayburn to play with instead of that stupid little silly thin microphone.

Gene Rayburn: the nose of a swordfish is called the bill. can i call you Pepper? i was light on my toes, i coulda been an Olympic fencer...

Arsinee Khanjian: i am to Atom Egoyan what Isabella Rossellini was to David Lynch...

Mr. Kotter: if the Knicks win rename them the Kotter Knicks. i'm wearing my urban gritty mean-streets Walt Frazier fedora from Bonnie and Clyde as i play blacktop basketball at Rucker Park.

Boom Boom Washington: you'd look better with a headband, dude, white with red herringbone...

Charles Barkley: as part of the Knicks pregame i went out into the mean streets and sampled some of New York City's finest world-famous street meats.

Ranger Rick: that's raccoon. but a little white rice, a little white sauce, and it tastes like chicken.

Charles Nelson Reilly: in 1973 i was a serious actor doing SeaWorld specials with porpoises and cute summer-job girls in wetsuits. the girls like the wetsuits were slick. i was a man who didn't joke on Match Game...

Trading Places: in the '80s rich people's stuff looked like Fisher-Price toys: the car phones, the jacuzzi tub, those cute little flowers in suction vases sticking to the Rolls Royce's windows...

if you're a dude: you have a beard. that's it.

Match Game: the BLANK is always a cock.

Charles Nelson Reilly: do you know why i wear no socks? i do commercials for Macy's...

Brett Somers: do you know why you have no cock? because you wear no socks.

Charles, crying: and do you know why i visit you in the sanitarium? because i'm lonely.

Brett: because the nurse won't give you dinner in your room.  

Charles: i have to eat with the others, what a crock!!!

Danke Schoen: a German Foot Locker.

Andy Warhol: i don't know, man. i am so tired. i'm trying to do art that matters again, that haters hate again, but it's not happening. my art sucks, i suck, and my life sucks.

Jen R: but you're not gonna kill yourself, right? that is so cliche.

Andy: no, but. can you believe i'm never gonna fuck Michael Jackson? i need to get away...

an hour later Basquiat calls from the street below, he shouts at us as we're all leaning out the high-rise Factory window.

Basquiat: Andy's in the hospital.

ANDY WARHOL'S PUBLICIST: WHEN THE ART TURNS TO PRODUCT

 

me: i'm nervous. i have a job interview. 

Jen R: you? for the first time ever?

me: does this suit make me look professional?

Jen: who you tryna kid, you've never owned a suit!!!

me: i know but i can't go naked.

Jen: well it is Greenwich Village. i'm wearing my pastel pasties with flower-pattern sarong and high-heeled flip-flops.

when i get up to the Factory door, i trip on the street.

Jen: two knocks for Andy Warhol, one knock for death.

Andy Warhol: see? you must be assertive, young man. three knocks for Knicks. come in, young turk.

me: why do you have 88 paintings of Peter Pan hung throughout the studio?

Andy: never you mind all that, you chump. eat my easel. you here for the opening? not my butthole, you naughty boy.

me: i'm here to be your publicist.

Andy: which means you're not gonna do any work.

me: right.

Andy: hired. 

Roger Federer: i go to Business Insider for my tennis news.

John C. Reilly: don't do Titanic, do Boogie Nights, everyone knows the boat sinks!!! trust me, i'm a doctor.

Leonardo DiCaprio: doctor?

John: Dr. Steve Brule. 

Leonardo: i don't know what that is. should i have done What's Eating Gilbert Grape? 

John: your acting in that was messed up. it was wacky, weird, and it made me uncomfortable. your lip was like a slimy caterpillar. no, everyone knows grapes just get turned into wine.

Evil-Lyn: i have a complicated relationship with Skeletor. i think he's funny but i've seen him smile at his own jokes, how is that possible if his face is a skull?

Skeletor: where did we meet?

Evil-Lyn: Jack in the Box. you ordered the California fries.

Pink Floyd lyric: once in a Keith Moon...

Keith Moon: this is why i left the band.

Link: Bro.

Princess Zelda: nice try, i know you like me...

Link: but isn't your name...?

Princess Zelda: Bro Bragason...

Basquiat: my name is NOT a corruption of the word basket case...

Basquiat's mother at that nice shady lawn-lined nuthouse along a NYC street: but it could be like the word basehead...

there's a knock knock at the door.

Andy: Madonna?

Leslie Sbrocco: no it's me, Leslie Sbrocco.

Andy: you got tits like that hoochie-mama. i just came back from that Madonna's little bedtime cuddle puddle.

Leslie: this place is COOL, Andy!!! we should do a Check Please here at the Factory.

Andy: but i don't eat food.

Leslie: do you know what it's like to be touched by a handsy old man for 30 minutes? who gave everyone on set leis. leis we had to wear the whole show. he was supposed to be some legendary surfer from Hawaii who was big in the 1950s, but he turned out to be a white-haired drunk legendary for drinking Hawaii's first pina colada.

Rita Wilson: my second act.........oh i'm sorry, that was quite insensitive of me, i realize most people don't get a first act...

Anthony Head: this whole time you thought i was married to Alyson Hannigan!!!

Alyson Hannigan: right? we made this strange quirky cute couple. 

me: you two as a couple will always be my personal Mandela Effect...

Janis Joplin: i was the 1960s Bjork.

Bjork: when i was dating Tricky i had that hair that looked like a blowfish...

Julia Child: i was alive AFTER Kurt Cobain, think about it...

Kurt Cobain: that just sunk in like your bread pudding.

Julia: my bread pudding is as stodgy as my pussy, young man.

Kurt: your bread pussy is what i savor in the afterlife.

Dr. Robbins: if you have problems, don't come to me, buy a stripper for an hour, it's more fun...

Stephen King: usually guys who look like Graham Platner run for Republican office. once again the fate of the country relies on Maine. maybe he can say like how those aren't really swastikas in Tokyo Revengers?...

Banksy: i don't mind my art being on a T-shirt, i give the money to a good cause: an art school that can produce another JG Quintel. i want to see another Mordecai the bluejay!!!

Big Bird: it's no fun being blue.........as in an actual blue-colored Big Bird...

Melissa Maker: Trump takes the Montreal Cognitive Assessment to prove the United States won't crumble. ironically if it does crumble everyone's moving to Montreal...

Susanna Hoffs: The Bangles "Manic Monday," the lyrics will ALWAYS be true...

the Eiffel Tower: it's the Effitall Tower during summer!!!...

Carey Means: i have no more means, i'm homeless. my wife doesn't like it. when i did Waiting for Godot at the shoebox theater in Harlem, my motivation wasn't finding God, it was going back in time and changing my answer from lump sum to royalties. i chose wrong...

Shake: nah, i get a royalty cheque for $19 a month which i use to see a movie by myself...

Andy Warhol: i don't know, man, my stuff is all starting to look the same.

Banksy on a red couch: you shouldn't have named this house the Factory, your art is on an assembly line.

Andy: that's my home you're talking about, bigshot. my art doesn't mean anything anymore. your stuff means something.

Banksy: my art comes from the heart.

Andy: man that's a sucky line. what do i do?

Banksy: one word: wheatpaste. you'll need a pushbroom to apply it. like try putting your Marilyn Monroe stencils on a brick wall outside in the street, it'll mean more.

Andy: the funny thing is i hate soup. and Marilyn Monroe was a bitch to me.

Banksy: have Marilyn biting down on the can of Campbell's Soup, her perfect teeth the can opener, her alluring smile that drew men to their deaths the model magnet of change. you'd show Marilyn now has black holes in her mouth where her teeth used to be, that would be political. 

MADONNA IN PAJAMAS: RUIN ME

 

Madonna: Kurt, Kurt Loder, let me ask you something about my butt.

Kurt Loder has a pained look on his face as he reenters the Bedtime Stories slumber sleepover. 

Madonna: my poo recently has been a DARK DARK shade of brown, look see, it's almost coffee-colored.

Kurt Loder: well there it is, you've been drinking dark-roast coffee. put that square of toilet paper with your chocolate on it back in your purse!!!

Madonna: thank you, cutie, this is just the start of my experiments. i have to see what color my poo is after Breakfast Blend and Pike Place.

Madonna: i have an announcement to make, listen up people!!! join me in congratulating this year's prom king: PK Subban!!!

*applause applause applause*

Madonna: only you could pull off wearing those pink pajamas like that.

PK Subban: it is an honor. it was a party before but i'll take it. 

Lindsey Vonn: he came to bed in those pink pajamas, that's why i had to do that video...

Lindsey Vonn: my leg is fine, his isn't.

Dennis Rodman: we were so close on that Detroit Pistons team we had sex and it was no thing. i haven't found closeness like that since. Madonna was as cold as Michael Jordan!!!

Mackenzie Phillips: i did cocaine with Valerie Bertinelli during our lunch breaks at One Day at a Time.

Valerie Bertinelli: you told me that was sugar. i should have known, it tasted like salt. no wonder Eddie Van Halen liked me!!!

Vanna White: i turned lit blocks to letters for 30 years. that's enough to make anyone turn to drink.

Pat Sajak: i thought liquid lunch meant sandwich juice.

Roadtrip Nation on PBS: everyone on this show, reformed prisoner and struggling artist alike, has tattoos on their arms...

Rachel's husband: what happened to me? Roadtrip Nation is when PBS tries to do Road Rules...

Kurt Cobain: yeah the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" music video, the fire in the gym, that was all inspired by Carrie.

Carrie to her mother: mama, don't you know putting candles IN your bed is dangerous?

Piper Laurie, the mama: i died by being crucified like Jesus, like i always wanted. i started the whole thing where the person dying in a scene keeps resuscitating and takes 15 minutes to die...

Jesus: why are my eyes creepy in Carrie?

Ben Stiller: i know, every time the Knicks score, that wasn't me, i didn't do anything...

Ciara: the World Cup is going on and i'm still in school?...

Vanilla Ice: if you're eating an apple alone in your room with the lights off, your life is not going well...

Gene Rayburn: please welcome our newest Match Game contestant Jim Henson!!!

*appease applause applause*

Gene: how are you, Jim?

Jim Henson: not too good, Gene, my baby left me in Reno. 

Gene: are the puppets helping?

Jim: not this time, Gene. my shrink said i need a hobby so i'm taking up hang-gliding and i'm feeling much better...

John Candy as a state trooper: i'm on Sesame Street so i can't be threatening, that's why my police motorcycle has one of those silly sidecars.

Maria: hey John Candy, you fat tub of lard!!! can't you read the sign?!!! nobody's supposed to drive on Sesame Street, children are MEANT to play in our street. 

John Candy: so when you tell a kid to go play in traffic...

Maria: why didn't the world adopt the NYC neighborhood aesthetic? 

June: the time i start liking overcast weather again...

a naked Madonna lifts her butt up to Kurt Loder's face as she turns her head to look at Kurt Loder's face.

Madonna: RUIN ME.

Kurt Loder: right here? you want me to get naked in front of everyone at the party?

Madonna: all these people. you are Loder after all, let's see your load.

Kurt: i'm not like you. NOBODY's like you!!!

Madonna's smile is stuck on her face.

Madonna: oh please!!! why are humans like this? why can't we just admit we all like sex because it's so not the norm?

Kurt with a heavy sigh: fine. but don't wet up my penis with a lot of your saliva, my penis can't take all that. 

Madonna: when i get done with you your sad eyes will turn blue...

 

MADONNA IN PAJAMAS: KURT LODER ON EMPTY

Kurt Loder is still outside.

Kurt Loder: i need a distraction. or to distract myself. wait, is that a cannon i see over that bush? that's MY lucky star!!! i see a lot of people in line wearing one-piece bodysuits with glitter on the collar, cuffs, and belt and tassels on the kneepads.........oh i see, it's not Elvis, it's Evel Knievel...

Jen and i are still at the Bedtime Stories release slumber party. with Madonna. inside.

me: my sleep is tricky now. what if you're not a night person but also not a day person?

Jen R: you're an afternoon person who can only have sex in afternoon delights.

Madonna: that was me before i started doing music to channel it, you know?

Super Mario: it's a very BOUTIQUE thing to have a gardener come to your place on a Monday...

archived tennis messageboard: that thing you wrote about Bud Collins in 2007, no one has ever read it...

Victoria Ruffo: if there's ever a Destinos reboot...

Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman: the one show that made you long for how the world was back then. adults helping kids with their science. no politics, just human kindness. a world where the aim was to be Shel Silverstein.

Ruff Ruffman: 2024 was so long ago, that's wild.

top o' the muffin: the Irish good morning.

Vincent van Gogh manifesting his own bedroom from that famous painting of his: i almost got it. just need to manifest that blue ceramic waterbowl and water pitcher to wash one's ear. the bed somehow fits two!!!

Van Gogh's dog: a water bowl for humans? my favorite sport is baseball, i like the ball...

cops on Pluto: no, Cops on Pluto.

Molly Qerim: why did i finally relent and marry Stephen A. Smith? is it because the man has $100 million? no, it's because he's a big nerd. he's my favorite soap-opera actor...

Carrie: the most visceral movie of all time.

Alfred Hitchcock: i appreciated all the references to my work.

Stephen King: that was De Palma, not me!!!

Betty Buckley: you'll never forget your senior prom. those that go to their senior prom become well-adjusted adults because they experienced magic that night.

Carrie with her first relaxed smile: this prom will be memorable in other ways...

Betty with tears in her eyes: Carrie, you're the daughter i never had.

Vanilla Ice: what i did wasn't rap, it was salsa.

Lee Thompson Young: why'd i do it? all i'm saying is an interracial relationship with Lindy Booth would have been revolutionary at the time, Disney...

Julius Caesar at Orange Julius: do i get a discount? when i think of frothy i think of the sea and my helmeted horses!!! what's an orange? i only know apples. malls unnerve me, they're staid. 

Antony: seizure salad.

Cleopatra: you know oranges, baby, you gave me an orange as an engagement ring. i put the orange on my little finger...

Julius Caesar: ah yes, by the olive tree. olive juice, i love you. 

Kurt Loder skulks to the site of the cannonball shoot. all the '70s Match Game people are there in Evel Knievel flysuits: Betty White, Charles Nelson Reilly, Steve Allen.

Kurt Loder: Steve Allen, you look like my father!!!

Steve Allen: i'm everyone's dad who went to Princeton.

Charles Nelson Reilly: know how you know it's Match Game 1982 with the BLUE background but Gene Rayburn still hosting? because i'm crabby on the show.

Kurt Loder: how was it playing Llort?

Charles Nelson Reilly: oh Don Bluth was a pansy. just go back to Disney, Don!!! his animation is sublime but the man can't write a story to save his life.

Kurt: Cannonball Run. well, Cannonball Run II.

Charles: i fucked Sally Field, Burt Reynolds never did.

Sally Field: i fell in love with Charles's '70s acid he took for that kid's show.

Charles: fuck Rin Tin Tin, my dog will always be Benji. 

Kurt Loder: hey Betty, can i get in the cannon before you?

Betty White: why do you want to leave so badly?

Kurt: why did you marry Allen Ludden?

Betty: everyone keeps saying that to my face!!! why? 

Kurt: a woman of your gravitas deserved Robert Redford.

Betty: is it working?

Kurt: no, i can still hear Madonna calling my name, Madonna calling me back to the sleepover...