DEGREES OF DONENESS: LIFE AFTER THE AQUABATS

 

MC Bat Commander: sooooooo.........it's been quite the wild life for me.

Mark Hapka: i love animals. tell me all about it, i've got time.

MC Bat Commander: have you heard of The Aquabats?

Mark: no.

MC Bat Commander: sigh. see i poured my life into that garage-rock band. the show on The Hub was GOOD, it was against-all-odds GOOD because i did all the writing!!! i filled the scripts with intelligent humor, layered storylines, nuanced feelings, and the irony of costumed crimefighting. 

Mark: i honor your writing. how'd the music do?

MC Bat Commander: same fate. not much better. i composed a whole 32-track surf-rock concept album but nobody wants a concept album from a humor band, everyone just wants "Surfin' Bird" by The Trashmen. ironic name for a band. should have been called "Bird is the Word..."

Mark: why do you still wear the Aquabat suit to the bus station?

MC: force of habit. plus it's comfortable.

Mark rubs MC's silver bullethead.

Mark: there there, i appreciate serious music. The Aquabats! Super Show!

MC: yeah, weird place for an exclamation point.

Mark: did you get anything out of your time in fame?

MC: Katie Douglas was my girlfriend for a week. channelmates. she was attracted to my Salvador Dali mustache. for a week. i only liked her because she was short.

the '80s: GIANT printers.

CVS skinny brown bag: watch out for the staples...

Sarah: a giant brown cardboard box SLATHERED in chicken-chow-mein sauce. what does one do about such a thing?

ketamine: the face of God...

'70s Doctor Who: like watching a play at a community college at 4:45PM and you're the only one in the audience, it's marvelous.

Tom Baker: i went through 10 cans of hairspray a day to get my hair like that, my hair is naturally long and straight.

Companion: prison visitor is the noblest profession. who better to play a bad guy on Coronation Street than a real-life murderer?

Jim Croce singing "Operator": it's like a Speak & Spell, it's like a robot hell, my thoughts computer well, i wish i'd been alive to see it...

Pat McAfee: NOT a great replacement for Jim Rome...

'70s Doctor Who: one part British Batman, the Adam West one, one part the original 1977 Star Wars movie, one part the halls of a biology lab at an abandoned university. 

John Leeson, the voice of K9: not in The Beatles. i had to strain my voice so kids could copy me. i usually sound like Keanu Reeves with a British accent.

Vanquish: all you had to do was drink more water...

Bob Ross: you and me are reincarnations of Jesus.

Keanu Reeves: Jesus was Middle Eastern and had curly hair...

pizza: circle, triangle, square...

big white comforter blanket: add one hour you'll oversleep in winter as you transition to hibernation...

bananas: when they taste like In-N-Out Burger, it's winter. 

MC takes Mark to his home now which is not a mansion hub but a seacave. 

MC: i like the quiet. i have one cat who poops in my tub, we're a family.

Mark: parents?

MC: my old mom is in the hospital.

getting to the hospital is a complicated road route along the seacoast. MC's mom is the only patient there.

MC's mom: this hospital has three floors? which floor has the Chipotle? get over here, you fuddrucker.

MC: yes, ma.

MC's mom: kiss my towel. do you know how depressing it is to wear a hot-orange plastic FALL RISK bracelet on your wrist? how about the risk that i fall in love with autumn again? are you flying by flapping your arms like you're supposed to? are you at least a fireman?

MC: no, ma. that's the other cave. you can't be in a band and obey authority.

Mark: buck up, Chuck. before your bunghole gets wet. you're Catholic, right? do you know what day it is? November 11, 11/11.

MC: 11:11? time of death?

Mark: no, but it's spiritual. 

MC: help me spread peanut butter on mom's towel, we gotta slide her into the shower.

 

  

DEGREES OF DONENESS: CONAN CORGAN

 

Conan O'Brien is chatting up Billy Corgan on the NYC subway.

Billy Corgan: before we continue, i just have to warn you: i'm no Ben Affleck. 

Conan O'Brien: why haven't the Smashing Pumpkins ever played my show?

Billy: to be fair you never asked me.

Conan: my Springsteen drummer Max doesn't like you.

Billy: it would have been cool, too, i had a LOT of time while i was promoting my country album...

Conan: it doesn't matter, all that matters is we look like we're brothers...

Billy: yeah...

Conan: takes me back to when i booked The Verve Pipe and Robyn on consecutive days during Fleet Week of 1996...

Prince Charles: the boys at Eton never called me Pounce Charles...

Chuck Norris at his Sherman Oaks Karate School: i'm dead.........this is not the setup for a Chuck Norris joke...

The Wraith: the same face-switching technology as in Space Adventure Cobra...

Charlie Sheen: people still said "far out" in the '80s?

Monster Squad: make sure to get the house next to the drive-in theater so you can watch free movies by climbing up to the roof of your house and using binoculars to look at the large outdoor movie screen.

TOM: i envy that boy's pajamas. now that's a cool kid wearing those Robotech pajamas at that time DECADES before the world caught up to how cool Robotech was. 

best spaghetti scene in cinema: A Woman Under the Influence.

the Bundesliga: like smoked brisket at Chipotle, it just doesn't do it for me. it's just not magical like the Premier League and Taco Bell are.

new band: we knew we made it when we started playing arcades...

cats: toss the catnip, we just want to smell Doublemint gum.

C.H.U.D.: this is actually a deeply moving account of the intricate networks homeless people form to live underground beneath a city.

Sherilyn Fenn: see this pink 6:30AM November sky? it's a very The Wraith sky. i looked WEIRD in The Wraith, like i was a different person...

man in black top hat: don't just say Nov 27, say the day of the week.

Jen R: to curate which specific Instagram post gets DM'd to this friend and which to that friend, based on each person's NUANCED personality, is an art form.

me: not a job.

Jen R: just because she likes E.T. doesn't mean she's gonna like Alex P. Keaton...

Michelle Mermaid: why are all college and NFL kickers Australian? because they practice on boomerangs...

Obama: after the presidency i did some modeling for Navage...

Chicken in a Biskit: who wants crackers to taste like chicken?!!!...

fuck: what did people say BEFORE 1475?...

Fritz Haeg: i'm a monk who fucks...

Monster Squad: the Animorphs prequel...

at the top floor of the Capitol Records circular tower, Brian Vander Ark is chatting up Robyn but Robyn sees through to Brian's soul.

Brian Vander Ark: this is a wild week for the both of us!!!

the two stand still clutching each other's fingers as they pose for the official photograph against an army-green backdrop.

Robyn: *in a Swedish accent* to labelmates!!!

the rest of The Verve Pipe mill in the background gaining a fear of heights from looking out the circular window. executives in suits crouch under the long oak boardroom table.

Brian: that was a raw deal you got. both of our hit songs are about abortion but you were forced to drop yours because the music industry, despite this being the cool '90s, is still owned by men. 

Robyn: when will the suppression end? plus i'm European where we're lax, i'm not used to over here.

Brian: i would call Madonna to help you out but i don't have her number, my song hasn't actually hit platinum yet...

Robyn: don't people understand about lived experience? my abortion was painful for me. 

Brian: no, most men are politicians.

Brian: you should have seen me in college.

Robyn: you had Noah's beard?

Brian: i hit the books my freshman year, i was a nerd who missed the whole rave scene. i didn't want to be one of those foolishly-wise sophomores.

Robyn: arks are making a comeback, in Europe there are more arks than cars. 

Brian: my first girlfriend was Swedish, but her hair was black. we're blondmates.

Robyn: blondemates.

Brian: what's your last name?

Robyn: Batman.

TABERNA: VOLCANIC FLOWER

 

and so a week later Pompeii was INDEED overrun by the lava from Mount Vesuvius which blew his top like he was an alive god. 

Liza the soothsayer: lava like a fucking blanket. EVERYTHING destroyed. good thing all the townsfolk left because they paid attention to my warnings. see we as a people really do pay attention to dreams. 

Liza: god what a mess. everything burnt to a crisp, even my stone stove. all i see in this river of lava and volcanic ash are starched socks and a bottle-opener made of stone...

Jesus: i don't want you for a sunbeam.

Kurt Cobain: i know, that's why i'm depressed.

Jesus: i want you to replace me when i retire...

An American Werewolf in London.

Prince Charles: i don't like cigarettes. look, Princess Diana's head was too square-shaped for me, okay?

Shakespeare: yes i was French, what of it? we are ALL French. do you know how promiscuous the French people are?...

Linzi Drew: strangest movie ending i've ever seen. the tone was wacky...

Richard Scarry: you learned about yeast from me. how to cook with yeast. without me you wouldn't know what yeast was, those cubes of yeast in that LOOONG loaf of French bread baked by that mottled cat in the chef hat with the rolling pin...

SimpliSafe: the agent won't, like, look into your bedroom, don't worry.

Cher: i'm the world's Earth mother now that Dolly Parton is gone.

Nick Cassavetes in The Wraith: i'm a virgin in this...

ramen: like shredded-wheat biscuit pillows...

Julius Aqueduct: wanna make love?

Aeus: not in these togas.

Julius: Liza the soothsayer is my mother...

Aeus: i figured.

a blue wave coming from the Tyrrhenian Sea crashes onto the WIDE lava flow fossilizing the small city-state into a layer of volcanic soil. a minute later from out of this soil grows a red volcanic flower. Julius plucks this flower and puts it in Aeus's triangular hair.

Aeus takes the flower from her hair and snorts it up her left nostril.

Aeus: it's been a stressful week. 

TABERNA: DREAMS ARE NOT THINGS TO BE TRIFLED WITH

Aeus: the soothsayer knows!!!

Julius Aqueduct: that lady i never talk to in town? the pulchritudinous prophesier Liza i believe?...

Liza the soothsayer: like the slit in my toga? have you voted today?

Aeus: Nero has allowed for Midterms today.

Julius: somehow i don't trust him...

Liza: i'm seeing that you're coming to me because a rising concern is weighing down on your skinny shoulders.

Aeus: will Pompeii get buried in volcano?

Liza: of course it will. if we don't all move in a week. i had a dream last night where i saw the whole thing: the red ashy scene a week from now, it was horrible and ghastly to watch like a movie.

Julius: isn't that more of a nightmare?

Liza: dreams aren't meant to be a fun time, kid. they're meant to ORACLE.

Salinas mayor: why don't we have miniature golf here?!!!...

Ariel: a mermaid always lands on her feet.

retirement: don't do it alone, it's more fun with people.

monk: i don't want to be in this monastery. i want to be reviewing something i wrote on the computer. where i typed the TITLE of some book or movie, making sure the comma or colon right next to the title was NOT italicized by association...

movies: we love them because we watch as other people do all the living, we can just relax...

Chris Berman: call me Boomer. i don't know how much longer they'll let me do The Fastest 3 Minutes In Sports, so let's cherish the highlights we have left together. take this soup spoon, put it in my jack-o'-lantern, and let's eat pumpkinseeds together.

Bill Murray: my dog just died.........luckily i'm a cat person so i'm still smiling...

Layne Staley: one thing i'd change in "Nutshell": "alone," not "all alone..."

Cobra from Space Adventure Cobra: i'm the only hero who RECOILS from discharging his weapon. but i look cool doing it...

David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London: running naked through a zoo: fun. naked in a cage with two real wolves: not so much.

Jamie Gangel: you don't want to visit her in her trailer in the Simi Desert because she's hot but she's also your aunt. she makes you uncomfortable, you start to tingle when you're around her and you look at her face. you will be forever grateful to her for introducing you to the movies of Robert Redford...

Nic Cage: my house was taken out by the Blue Wave and i couldn't be happier for the country!!!

Julius: why do all oracles' eyes have no pupils?

Liza: oh that's just my white color contacts. i'm seeing that you want your fortune told?

Julius: will i get lucky?

Liza: in sex or love?

Julius: i cannot rightly answer that without betraying that i'm a Roman man.

Liza: i crack an egg, that's how i divine.

Julius: this is one cool stone stove you have here!!! it's a giant convex circle of stone in the middle of your room.

Aeus: your stone stove was made from Stonehenge!!!

Liza: i look at the pattern of the egg as i prepare it to be my breakfast of fried egg, shells and all.

Julius: that's not a good sign, the egg is in the shape of a skull.

Aeus: that's the shape of a volcano.

Liza: no it's the shape of a heart. besides, see this little piece of egg that broke off, this straggler egg flapping in the wind? it's seahorse-shaped...