KIDQUIZ: THE RALPHS IN TARZANA

 

Lucio Rossi's dad: i'm lucid.

Lucio's dad: okay so for getting past a few rounds in the bracket, beating a few schools, beating those schools DOWN, not bully-wise, intelligence-wise.

bully: no bully is wise.

Lucio's dad: i'm giving you grocery certificates to the Ralphs in Tarzana, go nuts. i'll join you there shortly.

Lucio's dad: this is a nice Ralphs!!!

Liza: thank you. i planted the vines in here myself. 

Lucio: got anything to eat? my bubble but needs nourishment.

Liza: i'm looking at your swarthy face and i recommend a small box of Calcutta Spanish rice.

Mark Blatty: donuts is skateboard food.

Liza: hey strange 4th Grader with the long hair, don't eat one of our sugar donuts if it's yellow.

Patrick Lavender: lady i'm trying to beat Mario in one day.

Lucio's dad: my cousin in Sicily?

Patrick: Super Mario. got a case of RC Cola, the stuff that makes you wobbly?

Liza: i know sugary drinks give dorks that instant high, but try water with a lemon wedge, it's the same thing, it works, look how small my body is.

Venezuelan parrot: i survived 9 days in the twin earthquakes, my "master" Captain Hook did not...

Jen invites me to the Spike and Mike's Festival of Animation in La Jolla. 

Jen R: Bill Plympton is an old friend of mine, he made me explode once.

me: my balls are itching.

Jen: did you dip them in the acid on the floor?

me: my balls are touching.

Bill Plympton gets on stage. to the bizarrement of the rowdy potted audience, Bill looks nothing like everyone was assuming he'd look.

Bill Plympton: who's Spike and who's Mike?

Spike and Mike: we're just two surfer dudes who came up with the adult swim ethos before adult swim!!! look at that 1977 poster over there!!! we did the Garbage Pail Kids design first!!! but we did copy off Cheech & Chong.

Bill Plympton: why aren't i doing the CARTOON version of the Aeon Flux movie? you know? i did the Aeon Flux design first!!!

Jen raising her hand: sir, why does the guy in I Married A Strange Person look like JFK?...

Bill Plympton: if i wasn't drawing, i'd be in prison. i mean look at the stuff i get away with in my cartoons. there's a lot of anger deep in there. the human face was not meant to STRETCH that way...

Andy Roddick: i'm commentating Wimbledon now? talk about ruining a holy tournament. once and for all, in the immortal words of the dwarf Bud Collins: "tennis is dead."

Adam Sandler: it's hard to argue with your wife when you're kissing her.........i should do a movie on THAT, it'll be my first good movie...

Michael Jackson: McHale Jackson? i always wanted my own Navy.

Trump: wait so i just ruined the entre World Cup tournament? 

Tony Kornheiser: that was the first time EVER i said the words President Donald Trump in PTI history!!!

Matt Freese: i froze.

Poch: what the fuck was that aborted half-kick?!!! now i have to live in West Virginia!!!

Matt Freese: just go back to Argentina, stop making me cry!!! stop making me feel bad!!!

Poch: i can't, Leo Messi kicked me out of his coastal villa for not calling him Lio Messi. 

Lionel Messi: like Lion Messi, i'm one of the Three Lions...

Noah: ironically there were no seals on the ark...

Instagram: all that motivational stuff on here is pure junk. 

Honeyetta: money is energy.

Michael Weiss: watch the Tool "Vicarious" music video instead...

Tilly Norwood: i have a British accent to make me seem more legit.

Nic Cage: my British accent in Vampire's Kiss was a surfer dude trying to sound British and becoming a WASP meme, not a bat meme. i can't blame the drink, i wasn't drinking back then. Eddie Vedder was so ashamed of my acting in that movie he never surfed with me again. and Holt Hanley became Pearl Jam's drummer...  

Tilly Norwood: i'm Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within in REAL life...

Erling Haaland: i'm not a scary Viking, i'm that Viking from the comics.

Colwyn in Krull: i had on the same pants as Jesus in Godspell!! obviously that's very symbolic...

Lucio's dad: can i smoke in here?...

Liza eats Lucio Sr.'s cigarette.

Liza: sex trick i do in bed that makes the men's toes curl.

Lucio's dad: just kidding. you saw how short i was and assumed i was Danny DeVito in Twins...

Lucio's dad: got anything for headache?

Liza: you'd have to divorce your wife. there's no Excedrin for that, man. Lucio Rossi's mom is not for the fainthearted man. i saw how she took that rolling pin to your face when you cheated on her.

Liza: you are not a joke no matter what your wife says. around town. i believe in rehabilitation by video monitor.

 

KIDQUIZ: THOSE VIDEO QUESTIONS THO

 

announcer in the sky: from Television City in beautiful Downtown Sherman Oaks!!! it's Kidquiz!!! you know, that game show you sort of remember coming on locally in Los Angeles Saturday mornings at like 6:30AM right before the cartoons?

Lucio's dad: this isn't edutainment, this is educational programming that takes the place of school. and i'm your host, Lucio Rossi's dad!!!

Lucio Rossi, a contestant on stage, covers his eyes with his big Italian hands.

Lucio's dad: sorry, son, i won't be energetic again. i know i'm your dad but i'm shorter than you. anyway welcome to Kidquiz, i guess i'm doing this. municipal and parochial schools from all across our brimming San Fernando Valley have come together in a March Madness bracket tournament to compete to see who's the best school in Southern California. brackets, you'll gamble on them later in life. 

Lucio: well the smartest school. how did i get smart genes from you?

Lucio's dad: metropolitan my ass. public school my ass. sorry. most of these area schools suck. the expensive private schools like Crestfallen wouldn't accept Lucio, it's the ghetto schools who are gonna kick your ass. sorry. 

Lucio's dad: it's St. Cyril's vs. Alisal in the battle for Encino. son will you introduce your team.

Lucio: dad, here i'm just Lucio. to my left is Patrick Lavender, to my right is Mark Blatty.

Lucio's dad: okay question 1: what is 1+1?.........hurry up, you idiot kids, you don't have time!!! you see the giant dot lights dropping away on that Ancient Roman arch above you? and time is up. morons.

Match Game women: we really thought in the '70s women would never wear a bra again...

me: i'm a Mother of Cats in real life.

Trinity: you watch House of the Dragon?

me: i don't want to invest myself in another long layered show like that and miss my prom again.

Liza at Ralphs carrying six bottles of rose wine on her small shoulders: you know like when the sugar donuts taste like hamburgers...

me with my fro and feral eyes looking like a true Carmel mountain man in the wild: save a bottle for me. that's not a joke, i need to get through today's depression. my life isn't a party.

Liza: my grandma tits are more like shouters...

Weird Al Yankovic: i shall never be a spokesman for AI. nobody will ever confuse my fat Michael Jackson for the real Michael Jackson. why did the Harry Potter kid have to play me? i hate that guy. next time let an AI of me play Weird Al. Weird AI...

Anderson Cooper: we're doing this thing the day BEFORE 4th of July?.........that's just weird...

Fannie Flagg from the South wearing a Bicentennial sweater on Match Game: my two Liberty Bells!!!

Brett Somers: swing that by me again in ragtime...

Mr. Kotter: the county was together in 1976. and the Bicentennial brought us together still. the nostalgia of the niceness of President Jimmy Carter. 

Jimmy Carter: no, Gabe, the country looked to you, President Kotter.

Comcast: is that your cablebox rebooting at 4AM? or the sound of early-morning rain pitter-pattering on your roof...

Jalen Brunson: basketball is a religion...

July 4th in the '80s: all the fast-food places were closed, people were starving, you could only eat the hot dogs you cooked on your grill...

Taylor Swift: when i divorce Travis, man those divorce songs are gonna be great...

Landon Donovan: i can't commentate the U.S./Turkey match, i went to Turkey for my hair transplant.

Alexi Lalas: and i know hair. i'm not only the president, i'm also a member...

Joey Chestnut: guys, if i don't switch to the vegan hot dogs, if i stick with beef hot dogs, i'm gonna FUCKING EXPLODE!!!

Corey Woods: i'm the only woman who could play Bob Ross...

Coco Gauff: see? tennis DOES have a match clock...

Jessie from Saved by the Bell: i'm so excited. and i just can't hide it. no it's okay, England took those caffeine pills just to adjust to the altitude at Azteca.

Lucio's dad: okay time for the video questions. who's the little pipsqueak who hands me the video-question cards? he's late. you're late. i don't like that this sweater makes me look like a Filipino Bill Cosby. look at your monitors, here's the first question: THIS, which is happening right now, will forever change the course of policing in Los Angeles.

Patrick Lavender: i mean DAMN, you actually show kids the Rodney King beating!!!

Lucio's dad: just a one-second clip. it's part of our history now whether we admit it or not. 

Mark Blatty: from coarse to course.

Lucio's dad: don't make me take away your pizza, kid.

 

FLOOD THE GATES: TEN YEARS FORWARD

 

Gates McFadden crashes the wooden double-doors of Ten Forward into the space bar with much fanfare. she does a cartwheel on the grey-blue carpet to the notice of two struggling lovely ladies. Gates and Grandma Winslow strip each other of the other's blue medical Starfleet uniform and begin pussy-fucking on the glass tabletop.

naked Gates climbs the walls to the ceiling with her spider legs and hangs upside-down on the ceiling for a moment's hang to get the lay of the land.

Gates McFadden: which means i'm looking straight down... 

Grandma Winslow: how's it up there?

Gates: nice, very American Gladiators, i always wanted to do that show but they didn't accept doctors as contestants. GERONIMO GALAXY!!!

Gates DROPS onto a naked Grandma Winslow. 

Gates: too slow!!! now that's being on top!!!

Grandma Winslow: i know what this is, your guest stint on Dream On. 

Gates: very rare. think of this as a nonreligious Exorcist spider crawl that turns into space sex.

at the perfectly-square table with the glass tabletop right beside the fucking table, Deanna Troi is flush in the cheeks and Guinan is crying century tears.

Deanna Troi: i can't counsel myself out of this one. even me in my prime in the slinky purple catsuit could never have sex like that.

Troi knocks over the tiny pyramid air-bar in the center of the glass tabletop with her butt.

Guinan at the glass tabletop is nursing a broken heart and a blue jack-and-coke.

Guinan: i must avert my eyes!!! i can't watch, i'm blocking my view with the jutted brim of my purple hat.

Will Smith: that's like one of those '90s purple Arsenio Hall tribal African hats.

Guinan: Zulu wide-basket hat. your Riker said he loved me. 

Troi: he says that to all the women. and some men. he's playacting.

Riker: i tried it with Picard and he strangely wasn't into it. i thought he liked me, he calls me his Number One.

Troi: you tried that with me and i told you to try it with my mother...

Guinan: do you know how hard it is to find a bearded poet on board nowadays?

LeBron James gets up on stage and starts singing "Leaving Los Angeles" to the tune of Sheryl Crow's "Leaving Las Vegas."

LeBron in a cowboy hat singing: I'm leaving Los Angeles/ lights so bright like Jeanie Buss's hair highlights/ palm sweat on a basketball that's why i missed that free throw/ no blackjack on a Saturday night, i don't gamble like Mike...

Uruguay: it's just weird that we have 2 World Cups...

Indiana Jones: if you had let me bring along my 13-year-old son on this adventure, i coulda whipped those Gremlins back into wet fuzzballs at midnight...

Max Rose: i'm growing out my ginger chin beard, you seeing this? i want to be Vincent van Gogh.

Vincent van Gogh: i had a rose beard...

Shakespeare: you had a prose beard...

Morrissey and Billy Corgan share a dressing room backstage at the Darker Waves festival.

Billy Corgan: my voice is more velvety than yours.

Morrissey: the word is velvetier.

Billy: i hug my Velveteen Rabbit every day. more than i ever hugged mother Martha.

Morrissey: i put my Velveteen Rabbit in a rabbit stew. with Velveeta cheese.

Jack Carter on Match Game: look at my face. remember my voice. i'm the man who ate all the log pretzels at that vaudeville club after hours when no one else would.

World Cup: we're better than The Olympics.

Tiafoe: why am i the only one out here playing all these weird unknown tall tennis players in white with the long hard-to-pronounce names? Polish Brits and the like.

top ramen: we had to dehydrate the vegetables or they wouldn't ft in the noodle bowl...

goalie: block the soccer ball from going in the back of the ol' onion bag, or net, with your stomach. stop a kicked ball with your stomach and your country will thank you. stomach save.

Julie Kotter: once you get to the hospital they'll chop off your bunion and you'll get some good food.

Mr. Woodman: 1970s hospitals have good food?

Julie: of course, better than any food from home. see it's the '70s and stagflation, so the government has to keep all the food in case there's an emergency. like a worldwide food shortage. 

Mr. Woodman: i should have married you the MOMENT i handed you your diploma...

Steejo: my generation doesn't wear baseball caps, we wear caps with Pokemon on them.

Glass Spider: a Smashing Pumpkins song. and Krull.

William Shatner: same redwood forest and smooth vertical gray rockface as that Star Trek movie...

Leonard Nimoy: when people still watched Star Trek movies in theaters...

teriyaki: no sweet meat.

microwave: cook food for 2 minutes, if you cook food for 3 minutes you nuke it...

Travis Kelce: wait, so what religion is Madison Square Garden?

Taylor Swift: i'm a writer so i'm an atheist.

Travis: i'm the PE coach so i have to be Roman Catholic.

Jason Kelce: a Roman Catholic who doesn't pee.

Larry David: i'm not Jewish...

Jalen Brunson: i'm a vibe. MSG is a vibe church.

Gates McFadden: you're my wife. we're wives.

Grandma Winslow: wifey? we are moving fast here. all of this was just this week.

Gates: hey, we're 60, we don't have much time left.

Grandma Winslow: will we still be carrying on like this when we're 70?

Gates: sure, our hair will be whiter and we'll still be fucking in Ten Forward.

Grandma Winslow: fan encounters that DID age well. our hair will be whiter than Anderson Cooper's hair.

Gates: our hair will be whiter than LeBron James's hair!!!

 

FLOOD THE GATES: HELPING A FRIEND MOVE AN ARCADE CABINET

 

Grandma Winslow: where do you live?

Gates McFadden: on Mars.

Grandma Winslow: your place is out of sight!!!

Gates: yes, it's in space, away from the prying eyes of a little kid's telescope. 

Grandma Winslow: i'm loving the biodome we're under.

Gates: it's a heat dome at night...

Grandma Winslow: and all the family photos hung up by the fireplace. is that your son?

Gates: son, daughter, does it matter?

Gates: now that we're living together, there are some ground rules.

Grandma Winslow: but how? we're a flaming asteroid hurtling in non-Euclidean geometric circles in space!!! miles from any ground. 

Gates: it's a wonder we don't crash. open the icebox. see? the ice is in the shape of a space worm. 

Grandma Winslow: i see, you don't want that disturbed so i'll never get ice. i'll open a window, ice from a nearby rogue comet will land in my hand.

Gates: the way liquid works in space, you really have to EMPTY THE WATER from all the bottles and paper dishes before putting them in the recycle bin or the bin will melt. especially those Ensure milk cartons nobody drinks, those things are SPRAYERS!!!

on the third day (or night) Grandma Winslow helps Gates move the NBA Jam: Knicks Edition arcade cabinet from her (their) house to the New York City Comic Con for display.

Gates: you can only play as Jalen Brunson...

Grandma Winslow: nice joystick, it bursts into flames when you dunk!!!

Lucio Rossi on Kidquiz: to my left is Patrick Lavender, to my right is Mark Blatty. we're competing for the best Southern California school: St. Cyril's. if we win we don't get a dictionary, we get a dictionary holder?...

local weatherman who looks like Lucio Rossi's dad: your mother made me do this. and a coupon for $10 off your next grocery shop at the Ralphs in Tarzana.

Morrissey: my final album, the last thing i do musically, it shall be called Sundae.

Morrissey's mother: i changed the locks, dear, you can't get in the house.

Jannik Sinner: my bloody sock, unlike Curt Schilling's, didn't make me an asshole. it was the result of a bad toenail, a hangnail on my toe. hold my calls, i'm at the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Salon all week...

Ms. Swan: call me Bunny. i learned how to do Italian nails from Lucio Rossi's mom.

penalty kicks: walking to the electric chair...

pasta salad: no, not the macaroni salad...

Ben Shelton: i don't care what any y'all say, i'm the best Michael Jackson. i'm an American and my best surface is clay?...

'90s sex: doing the wild thing.

BB King replacing a broken guitar string mid-song at a live concert as he sings: teach me how to make love.........go...

1991 live studio audience at a TV-show taping: let's HOOP AND HOLLER for no reason!!!

Alex P. Keaton: HEY!!! Family Ties is a serious family drama, not a sitcom...

Bob Hoskins: have you ever watched TV through binoculars?...

Krull: the young king's smile on a box of Corn Flakes...

Connie Stevens: but i look NOTHING like Marilyn Monroe...

at the tan con card-table Gates McFadden is signing headshots and getting into fights with fans.

Gates McFadden: sorry, folks, B&W headshots only, i ran out of the color ones. i know, right? why am i even a redhead?

TecWinger: Trump bought the WB and i lost my will to live. what do i do now? in terms of life. i'm not married and i don't believe in Jesus.

Gates: it's just, the WB had some good cartoons.

TecWinger: yeah, HAD.

Gates: you can still watch those cartoons. when you watch old cartoons it's just like watching new cartoons...

TecWinger: i'm just realizing now that the entirety of my life has been consumed with cartoons. not with people. or people skills. or job skills. i didn't plan for this...

Gates: you really shouldn't be seeking therapy on a messageboard. you need an actual professional psychiatrist. or professional priest. or doula. go to Italy. pay a woman to hug you for an hour.

back at the Mars house.

Grandma Winslow: great work out there, you saved that kid's life. he was probably gonna kill himself.

Gates: that was a 50-year-old virgin who lives with his parents and plays with dolls. these are the ONLY men i meet at conventions. they all remind me of my son.

Grandma Winslow: well i better go back home.........to San Antonio...

Gates: don't be silly, silly, the USS Enterprise just docked at our kitchen...