MAINE CABIN ON STILTS: ON SILVER POND

 

me: i'm visiting my grandparents in Maine.

Jen R in a fishing bucket hat with flair: fuck fish pins. how long has it been?

me: exactly 100 years. since they became grandparents. 

Jen: recreate the spark.

me: i was on a '70s telephone with Brett Somers:

Brett Somers: i know all the out-of-the-way spots in Maine, are your sure i can't be your map?

me: don't you have kids to raise?

Brett: honey, people don't tell you this but parents secretly hate their kids. 

we reach the Maine cabin on stilts in the middle of a SILVER pond.

me: this is bonkers and bananas, this is the first time i've had to wear sunglasses in well my life.

Jen: but it's better than a golden pond, because of your disdain for any sort of bright lights anywhere, remember?

me: i'm smelling an excitement coming off you, you're drawn to this lake.

Jen: i ate too many cookies at Christmas, i gotta tone my shit up. back to my prom weight.

me: and how exactly do you plan to exorcise uh exercise that?

Jen: i'm gonna waterski with you pulling me from a speedboat going 100mph on this lake. i got a Big Head Todd show to go to!!!

Peggy Cass: i look like i'm from 1930s Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl. because of me you know what a swill pail is.

Dennis Rodman: i'm banned from all World Cup stadiums this summer. as practice for the next Women's World Cup when i try to watch my daughter play soccer. i'm just bringing over the orange slices, Trinity!!! i feel like Iran, Congo, and Mary Pierce's father all rolled into one.

Jodie Sweetin: you dropped some dead weight i see. AND some pounds.

Lori Loughlin: oh you mean Mossimo. he said he had skateboarder money? he didn't even help make the hot-sauce soup in prison.

Mexican singer: true love is kissing your chola in Rwanda as your ranch is home to giraffes, white lions, and elephants.

Liliana Abud from Destinos: that weird ranch i went to that didn't serve huevos rancheros...

chola: drinking horchata in the rice fields, think about it...

the Regular Show coffee shop.

Margaret: this is a LOOOOONG coffee shop.

Eileen: right? it takes up the entire sidewalk block. but only lengthwise, there is no width...

Gavin Newsom: my mannerisms are EXACTLY Bill Clinton. that should comfort you. we're slowly getting back to normal, folks. The Book of Isaiah teaches to do a Last Dance-style dance if we want to win in November.

Michael Jordan: i know i know, the Republican sneaker thing. but i own NASCAR now so doesn't that make me centrist enough to win the Presidency?

Violetta Laze at the Trevi Fountain: horoscope is dead science. zodiac isn't cute. i really need to get back into poignant shorts before the PBS Film Department goes under...

Violetta Laze: see i post me in a goldleaf ballgown that is hugging my GRAND BUTT thinking these comments surely will reveal my Prince Charming. at least in the comment crowd be a couple of mildly-interesting men? nothing. just women. what's the point of Instagram?!!!

Speaking Parts: the Canadian sex, lies, and videotape...

Trent Reznor: and my "Sin" music video.

Atom Egoyan: laundromats used to be the best places to meet people. 

Landry Shamet: see? Screech from Saved by the Bell didn't die.

Enzo Maresca: see? Pep Guardiola didn't retire...

Mr. Diamond at Crespi: if Pep Guardiola is Paul McCartney, you're Faul!!!

Keurig: that last SQUEEZE sound at the end, that's where squeezing coffee comes from.

Edward James Olmos: ...

Edward James Olmos: me as an inner-city teacher, me as a werewolf, which one had the handsomer hair?

Marcello Hernandez: i've now become the face of the entire Spanish language.

Magnum, P.I.: i don't solve murder-suicides...

Patrick Renna: look at my face, i'm if E.T. was a human.

grown man living with his parents: no way. don't believe it. if you're a grown man living with your parents, you will NOT meet someone and get married...

Danny Pintauro working an Amazon delivery truck: at least it's not Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's sucks.

Judith Light: no wonder i have white hair!!!

Danny: my first package was delivering Frank Sinatra microphones to Tony Danza.

James Cameron: no, Titanic II is a new Titanic ship i'm building all by myself. NOT the Titanic sequel...

grandpa on the shore of the pond starts hopping around putting his mouth to the dark-brown sand.

grandpa: see that tuft over there? that's actually the tail of a skunk. don't fuck with nature, nature will fuck with you. 

me: grandpa!!! hug?

grandpa: hug me, give an old man his dying wish: admit that you only like the silver pond because it reminds you of a TV screen with snow.

out on the water with Jen.

me: taking the cookie fat out your butt?

Jen: never tell a woman she has a fat butt. any other body part is better. fat ANKLES are better than a fat butt!!! because the butt is so prominent. The Invisible Kid, the mother is Deborah but she pronounces is da-BORE-ah.

me: like that Dragon Ball devil.

Jen: this is what women have to do to distinguish themselves in this world these days!!!

 

STAYING IN THE DREAMWORLD: LIFE IS A HELLSCAPE

 

me: why can't i be your family?

Jen R: our stars were not aligned for that by INCHES. instead we have Jupiter between us which is useless. 

Jewel: tell me about it, honey.

Jen: you'd have to marry me.

me: no i mean like brother and sister.

Jen: WOW you really don't want to be alone, huh. but that would be no fun.

me: i'm searching for permanence...

Jen: ever wonder why birthday hats are pointy with that horrid string under the chin?

me: the terror of triangular!!!

Jen: it goes back to the Pharaoh.

Pharaoh: i'd give my charmed life for a McDonald's birthday party.

Jen: right? you missed out. the Grimace cake, the one flattened hamburger every person in your 3rd Grade class gets, the chafing of your butt on the iron Playland slide.  

Pharaoh: we chafed our butts on the Pyramids...

me: Jen, you are the thin thread keeping me going, keeping me together, it's just the one string but that string is the Red String of Fate.

Josh Hart wearing a suit of red threads of fate: i tried to do the spirit walk but at every pass hung the lanterns of drunkards. it was the Revolutionary War all over again.

Benjamin Franklin in a Knicks jersey of blue threads of fate: sport walk?

Josh Hartnett wearing a tricorn: ...

Stephen A. Smith: bro where did you go? i mean look at your face!!! someone send out an APB for Josh Hartnett's BEAUTIFUL face!!!  

Josh Hartnett: no APB necessary, Stevie, i was on the court last night at the Garden shooting Js. 

Carlos Alcaraz: i coulda been the greatest tennis player of all time, but then my wrist.

Emma Raducanu: Siamese twins, at the wrist.

Carlos: is that us?

Emma: no a Smashing Pumpkins lyric. are you listening to that cassette i sent you? it heals. don't blame me, i'm busy with my American Thighs cassette...

Carlos: next time i have to work on my overhead i'll pop in "Starla" and get in a LONG session...

Leshy: Falkor as a Tolkien character. not a drunkard, you can't be a lush and live in the woods...

reading You Are a Shark: THIS is when you decided to become a monk...

Ron Wing: i'm the one who drew that monk to look like an old tired Ichabod Crane.

old monk: sleepy, no haircut in 100 years, lost my tricorn hat...

Dragon Ball Super: the design of all our characters are '80s He-Man action figures...

tandoor portal: a tan door.

Luis Miguel: i tried to swing my hips like Shakira and ended up in the hospital. i don't want a real guitar, do you see how hard i ROCK my air guitar?!!!

college: see we schedule our classes at 3PM, we forget that high school students get OUT at 3PM, so there's a lot of sleeping in college. we will learn from this...

Liza at Safeway: i mean have you ever actually seen someone get KICKED OUT of a grocery checkout line?... 

Questlove: SNL was my cool older brother growing up. it was my only option at 11:30.........it was the only TV show at 11:30...

naked Jean Harlow taking a bath in a barrel in Red Dust: i just inadvertently created the whole drinking-her-bathwater thing!!!

the quickest way to get rid of a hot blonde physical therapist: have her clean up a patient's poo.

PT: i ain't no nurse!!!

the Perfect Strangers theme song: Alan Parsons Project "Eye in the Sky..."

Chester Bennington with a glass bottle of original BROWN Listerine in that lovely beige-and-yellow wrapping paper: that SWALLOW the bathroom sink makes when the oasis of water goes down the drain.

Roger Federer: in my spare time i enjoy horseback riding and tennis.

Arabic writing: it's a row of smiley faces.

Walt Disney: i admit, my mouse didn't save the company, a mermaid did. before The Little Mermaid we were doing shit like The Sandlot 7 with that freaky freckled bug-eyed kid. we were floundering, little joke there.

Jen R in a pointy hat with cat smiley faces: if you want to reach me, you have to go deep deep deeper than you've ever gone before...

me: who am i without you? i'm scared of burrowing into a bottomless pit, i crave the stay of quicksand.

Jen: are you sleeping? not until you're dreaming. now that you're in the dreamworld you can get up and move around. fall asleep in the dreamworld, have a dream in the dreamworld, fall DOWN into the next level of consciousness... 

Jen: you ever notice?

me looking down: notice what?

Jen: nobody looks UP in a dream, nobody looks at the sky or the horizon or the sun or the moon or a planet or a comet or a shooting star in a dream...

STAYING IN THE DREAMWORLD: TANDOOR

it's 12 noon.

i'm inside St. Cyril's Church.

i'm sleeping in a pew in the centre row.

me: i really need to drink more Coke.

Jen R in a turban: classic. yeah, it's regulatory. it regulates you, balances your equilibrium, keeps you even-keeled so you don't have to take two Vanquish!!! there should be no regulation from the government on Coke. want a lime phosphate instead?

me: that sounds like attic insulation.

we're all in the middle of the church staring down into the black hole of the tandoor.

Father Navin in green silks: the tandoor is a portal. i'm cheating here on my religion embracing Hinduism like this. but i'm a Catholic sci-fi fan, it's tough. don't tell God. 

God: we used to call that a curry hole but that was in the Old Testament.

Jen: do you really think we can see the future if we stare down this tandoor?

Talia the cat: only if you soak the chicken in fish brine. nobody wants to see the past anymore...

Talia: so can i offer you my confession now?

Father Navin: no i'm never prepared for that.

Talia: animals are sinless, remember? we use the Confessional booth just to talk, shoot the breeze which has a fish smell.

Father Navin: oh right. any learned techniques?

Talia: you've been cleaning the litter box all wrong.

Christopher Kimball: ...

Talia: ditch that hostile scraper, simply use your fingers to pluck each pebble of poo/pee out of the litter sand.

Father Navin: and you tagged along why?

Trinity the cat: Father, i have a Confession. 

Father Navin: this is paradigm-shifting!!!

Trinity: Miley Cyrus's underboob tattoo says With a Little Help from My Fwends and i'm the cat in permanent ink, i confess the bad grammar.

Father Navin: no it's cute, it's cat-speak. the underboob, i get how you wanted to be there. just don't say something like you're a Rolling Stones fan and you've never listened to the Beatles or you're going to Hell. Miley Cyrus looks weird as a woman.

caregiver: it's not a job, it takes the patience of Job.

Mickey Rourke in The Pope of Greenwich Village: I'M the brother who knows better?!!! well this thing was cast against type.

Victor Wembanyama: Sours? don't call us the Sours we're the Spurs. i'm French, dammit. can you people handle a French Michael Jordan? the Chinese monks i meditated over, not under because i'm so tall, told me this would happen.

Chinese monks: stay calm, Alien, America is a dying empire that can't accept an international hero.

Skip Bayless: can i rejoin First Take NOW?!!! Texas is cooking again!!!

Match Game 1973: The Playboy Club as a game show.

Michael Jackson on First Take: look man, don't wear sunglasses in the studio when you're talking on TV, it's weird and i know weird.

Jaafar Jackson: word.

Madonna: i play Sheryl Crow in this, it's the only way i can get work now!!! 

Jen R: know how you know two people are comfortable with each other?

me: easy with each other?

Jen: they complain constantly to each other, they kvetch to each other.

me: that's sweet :)

Jozy Altidore: am i still a thing in soccer? how did you live a perfect life?

doctor: i was perfectly there for the 1994 World Cup in the States with my wife and 3 kids. now for this World Cup i'm aligned with my 17 grandchildren.

Jozy: don't rub it in, man!!! i'm Jozy from Jersey, i'm usually breezy. what sort of doctor are you anyway?

doctor: i got my PhD in grass science from Michigan State...

Ariel Winter: i broke up with my boyfriend but we decided to remain roommates.

Nolan Gould: well that was mature. we're living a script from Modern Family in real life.

Ariel: no it's just that THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH.

Nolan: weren't we brother and sister?

Peter Jackson: i fired Ryan Gosling from The Lovely Bones for gaining 60 pounds. i'm weighing in on this decision now, get it?

Ryan Gosling: you said i had to gain 60 pounds FOR THE ROLE, right?

Peter: i took one look at you and whispered "Fat Ken" to myself under my breath. 

Ryan: i used to take the mushrooms off my pizza but i didn't this time.

Buffalo Sabres: we stayed in a hotel here in Buffalo to mimic a road game for Game 7.

Buffalo Bills: maybe just sleep in your beds next time? 

Sabres: our beds are blocks of ice.

Bills: ours too. why is Buffalo the town of heartbreak?

Sabres: because we're named after the animal buffalo which went on that Trail of Tears...

Lucky grocer's flyer in the mail: don't toss me in the recycle receptacle so hastily, your PG&E bill is lodged in between the thin top-down fold-in pages. 

PG&E: lodge your complaint by dodging your bill...

Lucky: you could have gotten a chicken dinner bucket for your grad...

Rose: are you a good boyfriend? would you hold the door for me?

Jack: would you hold the door for ME if we were in water?...

work, a job: the only way to escape your family.

Dwyane Wade driving a Tesla into a pond: this wade mode is NOT clutch...

me: you know that thing where you eat a chocolate bar and you're still hungry?

Jen: is chocolate your favorite?

me: and spaghetti.

i eat a chocolate bar and it tastes like spaghetti. i can't eat spaghetti unless it has chocolate sauce over top.

it's 12 midnight.

i'm inside St. Cyril's Church.

i'm sleeping in a pew in the center row.

in Hell.

STAYING IN THE DREAMWORLD: LIFE IS ESCAPE

 

me: i'm feeling vulnerable.

Talia the cat: why does your hair look like a cheese wedge? didn't you say?...

me: yes, i want to stay in the dreamworld.

Talia: oh my friend that is not a good idea. you'll see. that is for people who have the privilege to escape. the rest of us have jobs, families to feed. only artists can be layabouts who do nothing all day.

Jen R: lay is not the same as laze. wait till he does Lamaze.

Cindy: i'm back which means me and Jen are more like your Baltimore twinflame...

me: in my dream i'm a toddler with man legs. i don't know how to walk anymore...

Talia in a Medieval hat: picture the little spoon.........getting lodged on the side of the dishwasher because you didn't turn all spoons, forks, and knives INWARD.

Jen: like you should turn yourself.

Jen: i'm wearing a Medieval hat too but it's a chef's hat for women...

Regular Show: the name doesn't mean anything yet it fits the show perfectly. 

J.G. Quintel: The Lost Tapes is a continuation and a prequel...

Don: how can i be "back" in the prequel?

Red Shoe Diaries: the '90s were a time of abandon.

Karen Black: you can put rollers in my hair and give me glasses, Karen Black is still your mom. The Invisible Kid is if The Toxic Avenger was Rated G...

Jen R: remember those circular laundry baskets in the '80s?

me: that would be my line but my mom did my laundry.

Jen: that's Van Nuys!!! the street opposite the high school in The Invisible Kid is Gilmore Street!!!

watching a free movie: remember, THOUSANDS of people worked on that movie.

Red Dust.

Jean Harlow: a 1970s game show called Match Game where the women wear no bras you say? honey we did that in the '30s and no one batted an eye. at least during Pre-Code. Forever Young, i don't like the sound of that cemetery. why do tigers in 1930s films all speed up like they're on a fast-forward tape?...

Larry from The Three Stooges: thank you!!!

coffee: we make you poo better than prune juice.

Father Navin: if i had known, i would have never served donuts.

Michael Weiss: Instagram is not about memes, it's about checking in on your friends. 

your second-tier Instagram followers: you can't take a powder on a woman once she powders her nose...

Donna Brothers doing the on-horseback interview: your dead grandfather is.........probably listening to you right now from Heaven, what do you want to say to him? i'm retiring, i don't care anymore.

Pepper Ann and So Weird: teens in the '90s were more kind, friendly, hopeful, conciliatory, and nice.

Pepper Ann and Fi: and respectful and full of dreams.

Mackenzie Phillips: and wishful. i did this Disney show at the same time i did a sex scene for The Outer Limits...

college student Cree Summer in Pocahontas powwow robe: we were socially conscious. we were young people who knew the world had big problems and we were willing to try and fix them. at least heal them.

Veronika Słowikowska: i'm continuing in the tradition of the strangely-hot Jewel snaggletooth.

Baylen Dupree: my mom started calling me Tourette's Tits, that's when i knew i couldn't get a regular job, i had to join a TLC reality show.

SC Upstate: SportsCenter Upstate.

Chris Rock on an episode of Fresh Prince: can i just do my stand-up on the show?

Will Smith: i don't trust myself around you when you're up on a stage.

Chris Rock: PLEASE can we call the episode "Slap Happy." it won't be what people think, it'll be about hookers. Carlton's mom becomes a high-priced slapper in Bel Air and the two of us have to save her from the call-girl life.

Will Smith: so she's not out late, so she's there to tuck Carlton into bed at 5PM.

me: there's this man who hates me, owns a restaurant, so i go there and steal 8 of his plates. there's a statewide manhunt, an APB is out for me, every cop in California is chasing me down to get to those plates. i hop from city bus to city bus in Downtown Los Angeles the whole time thinking to myself, well screaming silently to myself, "WHY THE FUCK DID I TAKE THOSE STUPID PLATES?!!!"

Jen: it would have been funner if you were in that episode of Three's Company where Larry's Greek family breaks Jack's plates at the bistro. 

me: i wake up in a pool of night-terror sweat on my bed absolutely PRAISING Jesus that it was a dream, oh what a sigh of relief!!! 

Talia: see? thanks for soaking my twin Freud/Jung dream dictionaries.

Jen: the plates are the emptiness in your life? you're filling your plates with buffet food to see which one sticks.

me: the dreamworld was TOO real for me that time. i wasn't gonna get out of it that time!!! 

Jen: i know what triggered you in the good way. you heard the Air Supply song "Even the Nights are Better" in the buses. that was my doing, that's how i broke the spell.