LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: WINDOW SHUDDER

Liza: you see this haunted house in front of us?

me: aw, i wanted to go to the school bazaar and bob for apples.

Jen R: you like bobbing for apples in your life.

me: to get ahead. you make for a beautiful Helen Roper.

Stanley Roper: i thought she was a witch.........*Mr. Roper mugs for the camera*

Jen: um, thanks. the turquoise ring on each finger IS definitely plastic costume jewelry. the hair is an Annie wig.

Mrs. Roper: i played Annie's mom in the movie...

Jen: got the caftan from Carrot Top.

Carrot Top: your knock at my hotel room door in Vegas at 1 in the morning saved my life.........what? it's Halloween, these scary stories are real.

Richard Dawson: i met my second wife Gretchen Johnson when she was a contestant on Family Feud. isn't that just like me?

Gretchen Johnson: you told me in private i was a better fuck than Diana Dors.

Richard: *in his Paul Lynde voice* the perfume lady? 

Gretchen: it was a fairytale for me, for i was not a Hollywood actress, just your average jane.

Richard: ours was the greatest meet-cute in all of human romance. we're the greatest love story of all time. the civilian and the couth cavalier. things in real life don't work out magically like they did for us. did i give you my number after the show?

Gretchen: yes but you did that with all the female contestants, even the old and ugly ones. i gave you my number because you reminded me of my grandpa.

Richard: i pursued Brett Somers for a decade but she held a torch for Jack Klugman...

Mick Fleetwood: Arsenal sucks.

music videos before 2005: we weren't doing "content creation."

the 1930s: every man had a large oak desk whose drawer could be forced opened with a steak knife. the front door was 3 times larger than all the other doors in the house. and boys wore leather helmets in honor of their favorite football players...

Bob Uecker: my daughter fucked a monk? i missed that, i was focused on the Brewers almost winning the World Series...

RJ Mitte: i could have played Christian Yelich...

Mr. Belvedere: oh bother. what's so special about your baseball anyway? our cricket is a much more sumptuous sport. it's interesting and never boring. it's so long i have time to prepare my tea to it and call out to all my Indian friends from the stands. and toss my leftover crumpets onto the grassy field.

Bob Uecker: you don't have leftover crumpets!!!

Mr. Belvedere: tonight's diary entry will include me sniffing a jockstrap.

aquacade: SeaWorld with humans.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: let's see what's out there...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: how on earth did i die before Shatner?!!!

Friederike Becht: i'm the German Winona Ryder...

Mike Tyson: boxing's a good metaphor for life: how you fight is how you live your life.........i'm still waiting for Norm Macdonald to call me back so we can do another season of Mike Tyson Mysteries...

Charlie Rose: can i be in the new season?...

museum docent: would you like to see the secret room?

Lucy Worsley: um.........yes. do you see the PBS crew of camerapeople behind me? come on, you daft bird. i've been nodding my head for 13 times now.

Andy Capp: yeah alright i was in the band AC/DC for a tick. for a spell me mum regretted. i'd lift me leg like so see and hop about the stage like a wee bunny rabbit, like a wee bunny foo foo holding me guitar.

Andy Capp's wife Florrie: i'm not yer mum!!!

Pati Jinich: i'm playing Frida Kahlo for PBS this Christmas...

Leslie Sbrocco: what did your first sausage taste like?.........i've never asked a guest that before...

Pasqually: i ate my own sausage. after i had a rib.

Prince and Marilyn Manson: ...

jumbo egg: two eggs...

Liza: the point is i could go into that Old Man Jenkins haunted house and face imaginary fears.

Carrot Top: ghosts are real.

Liza: or i could go back to school and face my real fears of moving on.

me: what are you getting your degree in?

Liza: becoming a professional video-game player.

Jen R: that's a losing battle, a ticket to nowhere, YouTube won't be a thing in a decade. i wanna cause some mischief on Halloween. i wanna let loose like 6 Gremlins into the neighborhood.

Liza: we could have a pizza party with the Mogwai at 12:01AM over at my house, there's plenty of room, I don't have a Walker like my sister. Safeway pizzas stay frozen even when cooked...

 

 

LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: LEARNING SOME MORE

 

Liza: i wanna go back to school.

me: college or trade school?

Liza: i wanna learn new things. but first i'm gonna order every single food item on DoorDash and eat it in my room for the experience.

me: that's gonna be a big snack.

Liza: once DoorDash merges with Instacart, will In N Out Burger FINALLY sell frozen burgers?...

Sir Alex Ferguson: new?

Wayne Rooney: no i'm New.

Alex: ah, Newcastle.

Wayne: but i'm an old soccer player, i can't play for Newcastle!!!

Gladyce: when you get a new canister of lightweight kitty litter, don't pour it all into the kitchen trashcan you brought to your bedroom...

Eagle-Eye Cherry: us people related to famous musicians have just enough juice in us to put out one REALLY GREAT SONG of our own. and that's it.

Sean Lennon: ...

Jakob Dylan: ...

Robin Thicke: ...

Black Lab: that band fronted by lead singer Paul Bettany...

Pumpkinhead: that grave was like a raised platform on the stage of a live production of Cats on Broadway, the spotlight above in the sky shining on that grave stage...

Chipotle at the mall: there's not one can-opener in this restaurant.........this would not be a good fallout shelter after a nuke hits...

Borat: for all actors: you're gonna be embarrassed, but you must remain in character...

mint chocolate chip: it's meant to be light green, not white...

Sabrina Curzi: remember our mint chocolate chip shakes at Baskin-Robbins we shared together in the late '90s after school when my mom would carpool us around town?

me: yes. we were rebels. i never knew ice cream could be a shake sucked through a straw.........i wish i was your son...

Murders in the Zoo: Dinner at Eight with animals...

friends: two people who are bored at the same time...

The Wraith: see? the Speed Racer live-action movie was already done very well here...

Santa: my beard's not white, i'm brushing my teeth, that's Pepsodent foam. 

Mrs. Claus: brush your whiskers once in a while, you fat lazy work-once-a-year peppermint bastard.

L7: "Bite the Wax Tadpole" was actually about male genitalia...

every alternative band's first late-'80s album: we sound like R.E.M....

me: are you going to your lectures?

Liza: i've had enough lectures in my life!!! from men who love to tell me off.

me: most professors are women now.

Liza: i'll get to my lessons. but first i need to drive to every Utah Mammoth ice hockey game, home and away. the season pass cost me as much as my Willy Wonka Golden Ticket.

me: i'm not gonna say you're stalling but...

Liza: i'm not wasting time, i watch these hockey games live in the arena with my best friend who has cancer. learning comes in many forms...

LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: REST

Liza: they fired me. Safeway fired me.

me: what happened?

Liza: i was taking too-long breaks. i wasn't doing anything nefarious, i was simply sleeping!!! i've been EXHAUSTED for a long time now.

me: yeah i've noticed, you're always too tired to scandal with me. who did it?

Liza: Daddy Warbucks the bald bastard. he scooted me into his office, sat me down, pointed his dirty finger in my face and told my eyes, "you can't cheat your way through life, you little fofo."

me: what are you gonna do now? work at Lucky?

Liza: see this is what offends me. everyone is telling me to walk a block to Lucky, it's a lateral move. 

me: no it's easier, WAY LESS people there, it's more chill, it's not corporate like Safeway which is a warehouse chain. Lucky is mom-and-pop if your uncle's in jail.

Liza: yeah but four people work there, they're not hiring. besides, who says the only thing i know how to do is fucking groceries!!! look i get it, i know Ericka over there at Lucky, she's nice, she's the fat me. but what if i want to skydive? 

me: what are your interests?
Liza: i'm a 50-year-old woman, how do i know what my interests are?!!! right now all i want to do is SLEEP.

Wilford Brimley: i look WEIRD without my diabeetus Quaker Oats mustache in The Thing...

me: no i'm not Audrey. no i don't want to set up a time when you guys can come over and cut down my trees. 

Jen R: Holly Golightly fucked a Lorax which turned Dr. Seuss into a dark Existentialist.

Prince walking out of the elevator: i'm fine, i just tripped...

Victor Wembanyama: i'm gonna have to start doing commercials for Waymo, aren't i...

Dick Miller: i'm the John Wayne of B movies...

Chopping Mall: that puce-colored zigzag staircase outside at the Sherman Oaks Galleria, that was the first Vaporwave.

Jm J. Bullock: that's not me in the movie...

fuck fuchsia, it's Friday: nice alliteration.

linner: not lunch and dinner combined, rather a light dinner of soup...

me: take off your pants.

Ericka from Lucky: the jeans? make me cum.

me: i wanna make love to you in the half-frozen aisle / half-pet food section lane at Lucky.

Ericka: do you like all the Christmas decorations put up around the store? they're all from my home.

me: but it's only Halloween.

Ericka: bent tin Santa Clauses with drunk faces and pink mini Christmas trees...

Johnny Rotten: sex is overrated. why is sex the sum of all human experience? when you're a punk you recognize that you're not gonna have sex. that's why you dye your hair green, put a chain in your nose, and wear a dirty jacket. because society sucks.

Chipotle: i mean if you have no family on Thanksgiving, the pollo asado kinda looks like turkey...

Central Perk: isn't it weird how that big-ass orange sofa was never taken? only the butts of the 6 Friends ever sat on that sofa. no other coffee patron in New York City sat on that sofa... 

Billy Crystal: i'm an atheist now. 

Robin Williams: only NOW? thanks a lot...

Fox Mulder: i would have seen that UFO if i had been driving a Mazda...

Fixodent: doesn't taste like Pepsodent...

Ganon: i made my first appearance in Return of the Jedi...

the AT-ATs: Ray Harryhausen...

the Space Adventure Cobra video game: it'll be like Dragon's Lair...

The Thing: WAY CREEPIER than The Exorcist...

me: go through arbitration with the union.

Liza: but see, why should i be fighting to keep this Safeway job with all my might? what if this is a GOOD thing. what if this got me FREE to pursue my real destiny. let the failure happen, don't fight your mistakes...

AMELIA EARHART FINDING HERSELF: WORTH THE WAIT/ THE HEALING ORGAN

 

50 years later...

Amelia Earhart: feel better about getting saved?

Fred Noonan: i guess.

Amelia: think about all the stuff we got to do lo these 50 years because we got saved instead of turning into isle skeletons like Gilligan.

Fred: i don't know, i can't think of anything. it's all a blur.

Amelia: okay FEEL about the stuff we got to do. for instance right now we're seeing a movie together in a theater.

Fred: i knew theaters would last. their old-timey charm will never go out of fashion. do we have grandkids?...

Amelia: ...

Fred: okay, we get to see Airplane. a movie that makes fun of our profession.

Amelia: and near-death experience. that was fucking funny!!! but there's a film we get to watch that REALLY makes our rescue worth it...

potato croquette: not as good as a McDonald's hash brown when it comes to anime food.

The Thing: same flat yellow snowplows with the headlights on Antarctica that were on the moon in 2001: A Space Odyssey... 

G.I. Joe: they look like Transformers...

at the 1990s Match Game.

host: what are you doing now?

Sally Struthers: this thing called TaleSpin.

host: what the fuck's that?

Sally Struthers: listen, this 1990 Match Game show of yours will get canceled in a year. nobody knows your name STILL. meanwhile there are still starving children in Africa. sure Dolly Parton but i'm an Earth mother, too...

Stat Boy: when i see PTI getting a 25th Anniversary Special, i'm not bitter. silver anniversary? man, fudge that noise. i need a job. i need to work. can i be Pick Boy?...

Hungry Jack pancake syrup: stupid stupid STUPID bottle!!!

Victor Wembanyama: i'm gonna have to start doing commercials for Wendy's, aren't i...

The Thing: this is where the whole "kill it with fire" thing came from...

Halloween: turn off all the streetlights in the neighborhood, batten down all the window shutters, it's SNL Night...

Brooke Trantor: while i wait for my big break in Hollywood, to be the next Fran Drescher, i squat in my squalid L.A. apartment eating my Movie-Theater Butter microwave popcorn for dinner...

Oakland flag: clean design, man. taken from the streets. literate graffiti. cool.

Coca-Cola case: why 24 cans? why not 28 cans, one for each day of the month? because it's 24/7, drink Coke 24 hours a day 7 days a week... 

Oikos yogurt: smells like the YMCA.

Small Classic: this year's World Series. or a hamburger from Wendy's...

Bronson Pinchot: Balki was Robin Williams as Mork with a Greek accent...

Pepto-Bismol: a must at prom. chug a bottle of this, not beer.

Night of the Creeps: live-action Mr. Pickles...

Amelia Earhart: the film is Space Adventure Cobra: The Movie. am i right or am i right. that warm '80s anime hand-drawn magic.

Fred Noonan: yeah. flying in sumptuous outer space. navigating a grand space opera. may all planes become flying planes that fly in outer space.

Amelia: that is the endpoint of all pilots: the next galaxy over...

Amelia: oh great, are you seeing the end of this? Lady Armaroid and Cobra lament they have to end because the space adventure has to end because there's a limited number of episodes. combined with the eternity of the flatness of space this is all very morbid with existentialism.

Fred: will the two of us end?

Amelia: not if we keep flying...