TABERNA: THE FIRST TOGA PARTY

 

in the village of Pompeii, on a mountain in the suburbs of Ancient Rome, Julius Aqueduct is chatting up Aeus.

Julius Aqueduct: the mountain we live on, is it a mountain or a volcano?

Aeus: no one knows. 

Julius: eh, i'll worry about that later. wanna go on a date?

Aeus: why have you taken me to this apothecary?

Julian: so you can try this thing called pop. it's like soda. goes well with ice cream.

Aeus: ice cream?

Julius: imagine if the family cow grazing on the green grass of your farm on a hill was frozen.

Aeus: you have quite the imagination. 

Julius: we all get it from Hades. i got a million ideas if you'll stick by my side...

you know what they say about closed doors: they stay open in a haunted house...

Jen R: the scariest thing is when you can't actually move on...

Mick Fleetwood: i was just about to kiss Stevie Nicks in the mouth.........but i forgot my Fisherman's Friend lozenge...

Tide EVO: we make your clothes PUFFY...

An American Werewolf in London: getting fed by a nurse is the most erotic foreplay.

Freud: now THAT's oral!!!

Jenny Agutter: you'll forget about me soon enough once you see Julie Delpy naked...

Jen R: it's even sexier when a woman reads to you...

David Naughton: let us all return to the cozy comfort of an '80s one-night stand.

James Murray the lexicographer: i'm WAY too monk to have this ordinary name. my name should have been Xerxes or something.

Medicare talking dog: not Satanic. but rather dementia-related, this dog does talk to a lot of seniors after all...

blond guy from Blade Runner: time like rain.........time is also the fire in which we burn...

the 1930s: when a big burly man could be taken down by a lovetap to the back with a butter knife...

Marlene Dietrich: in the '30s when you were nervous to talk to a man, ask him for a cigarette...

Marlene Dietrich: the famous scene of me shivering on board the train in Shanghai Express, my face lit UP by the spotlight above...

me: ...that scene was exactly ME when i called Jen on the phone, i was a nervous wreck taking live to my soulmate.  

Jen R: your jaw was reverberating. you had the body shakes.

Confucius: first time ever MY name was invoked before kissing...

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?: it looks like an episode of Gidget in black and white...

minestrone soup: try ALL your seasoning salts in me...

Pete Davidson: i'm now a stagehand at Saturday Night Live, i move the Weekend Update desk into place during the commercial...

Melissa Maker : a raincoat with a hoodie and SHORT sleeves? why?

lemon poppy: not a great flavor. get the glazed muffin instead.

Elaine Benes in a yellow raincoat: ...

Jean Harlow: nobody eats dinner at eight anymore...

Sally Field doing the Goodnights at the Saturday Night Live episode she hosted: thanks for coming. and everybody have a good time. and be SAFE at the afterparty!!! ah the '90s, that warm nanny blanket over us, Robin Williams is still alive protecting us as everybody's Mrs. Doubtfire...

Anthony Bourdain: using TRON cycles in Get Jiro!, that was my touch...

country music: let's face it, we NEVER recovered from the rise of rock and roll...

Inde Navarrette: i am OBSESSED with Resident Evil.

Jillian Clare: um, i did the whole gamer-babe thing first, like ten years ago before it was fashionable. i just finished writing the sumptuous love story in Grand Theft Auto VI. the sex scene in the Vaporwave shower with the neon purple water? 

Inde: i'm bisexual.

Jillian: sure you are. you just haven't met my man yet.

Alanis Morissette: i'll spell your last name if you spell mine...

Jillian: everyone thinks it's Jillian Claire.

The Wraith: who knew Nick Cassavetes was THAT TALL?!!!

Aeus: like what? i have a lot of free time, there's not much to do in this era.

Julius Aqueduct: well like you know what Halloween is? the new holiday on the horizon.

Aeus: like our Dead Day?

Julius: bingo.

Aeus: what's bingo?

Julius: modern Mesopotamian game. so everyone's looking for a Halloween trick, like Nero tricks us all the time from the podium.

Aeus: gimme all the ambrosia candy.

Julius: but i'm gonna sing Christmas carols in front of my house for Halloween. 

Aeus: that'll stun the Huns!!! leave them stone-faced like the stone of your house.

Huns: we'd rather be stoned and confused.

Aeus: wait, Christmas?

Julius: it's a new religion, heard of Jesus? he's the new guy on the scene, his stuff is just reaching us now. unlike our boring Hebrew teachers this guy has the charisma of a rockstar.

Aeus: the long hair of one. i will reserve judgment but i'm gonna have a crush on this man!!! the pax think he's crazy but he's crazy cool to me. his ideas are DANGEROUS.

Julius: sigh. i'm trying here i really am.

 

LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: WINDOW SHUDDER

Liza: you see this haunted house in front of us?

me: aw, i wanted to go to the school bazaar and bob for apples.

Jen R: you like bobbing for apples in your life.

me: to get ahead. you make for a beautiful Helen Roper.

Stanley Roper: i thought she was a witch.........*Mr. Roper mugs for the camera*

Jen: um, thanks. the turquoise ring on each finger IS definitely plastic costume jewelry. the hair is an Annie wig.

Mrs. Roper: i played Annie's mom in the movie...

Jen: got the caftan from Carrot Top.

Carrot Top: your knock at my hotel room door in Vegas at 1 in the morning saved my life.........what? it's Halloween, these scary stories are real.

Richard Dawson: i met my second wife Gretchen Johnson when she was a contestant on Family Feud. isn't that just like me?

Gretchen Johnson: you told me in private i was a better fuck than Diana Dors.

Richard: *in his Paul Lynde voice* the perfume lady? 

Gretchen: it was a fairytale for me, for i was not a Hollywood actress, just your average jane.

Richard: ours was the greatest meet-cute in all of human romance. we're the greatest love story of all time. the civilian and the couth cavalier. things in real life don't work out magically like they did for us. did i give you my number after the show?

Gretchen: yes but you did that with all the female contestants, even the old and ugly ones. i gave you my number because you reminded me of my grandpa.

Richard: i pursued Brett Somers for a decade but she held a torch for Jack Klugman...

Mick Fleetwood: Arsenal sucks.

music videos before 2005: we weren't doing "content creation."

the 1930s: every man had a large oak desk whose drawer could be forced opened with a steak knife. the front door was 3 times larger than all the other doors in the house. and boys wore leather helmets in honor of their favorite football players...

Bob Uecker: my daughter fucked a monk? i missed that, i was focused on the Brewers almost winning the World Series...

RJ Mitte: i could have played Christian Yelich...

Mr. Belvedere: oh bother. what's so special about your baseball anyway? our cricket is a much more sumptuous sport. it's interesting and never boring. it's so long i have time to prepare my tea to it and call out to all my Indian friends from the stands. and toss my leftover crumpets onto the grassy field.

Bob Uecker: you don't have leftover crumpets!!!

Mr. Belvedere: tonight's diary entry will include me sniffing a jockstrap.

aquacade: SeaWorld with humans.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: let's see what's out there...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: how on earth did i die before Shatner?!!!

Friederike Becht: i'm the German Winona Ryder...

Mike Tyson: boxing's a good metaphor for life: how you fight is how you live your life.........i'm still waiting for Norm Macdonald to call me back so we can do another season of Mike Tyson Mysteries...

Charlie Rose: can i be in the new season?...

museum docent: would you like to see the secret room?

Lucy Worsley: um.........yes. do you see the PBS crew of camerapeople behind me? come on, you daft bird. i've been nodding my head for 13 times now.

Andy Capp: yeah alright i was in the band AC/DC for a tick. for a spell me mum regretted. i'd lift me leg like so see and hop about the stage like a wee bunny rabbit, like a wee bunny foo foo holding me guitar.

Andy Capp's wife Florrie: i'm not yer mum!!!

Pati Jinich: i'm playing Frida Kahlo for PBS this Christmas...

Leslie Sbrocco: what did your first sausage taste like?.........i've never asked a guest that before...

Pasqually: i ate my own sausage. after i had a rib.

Prince and Marilyn Manson: ...

jumbo egg: two eggs...

Liza: the point is i could go into that Old Man Jenkins haunted house and face imaginary fears.

Carrot Top: ghosts are real.

Liza: or i could go back to school and face my real fears of moving on.

me: what are you getting your degree in?

Liza: becoming a professional video-game player.

Jen R: that's a losing battle, a ticket to nowhere, YouTube won't be a thing in a decade. i wanna cause some mischief on Halloween. i wanna let loose like 6 Gremlins into the neighborhood.

Liza: we could have a pizza party with the Mogwai at 12:01AM over at my house, there's plenty of room, I don't have a Walker like my sister. Safeway pizzas stay frozen even when cooked...

 

 

LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: LEARNING SOME MORE

 

Liza: i wanna go back to school.

me: college or trade school?

Liza: i wanna learn new things. but first i'm gonna order every single food item on DoorDash and eat it in my room for the experience.

me: that's gonna be a big snack.

Liza: once DoorDash merges with Instacart, will In N Out Burger FINALLY sell frozen burgers?...

Sir Alex Ferguson: new?

Wayne Rooney: no i'm New.

Alex: ah, Newcastle.

Wayne: but i'm an old soccer player, i can't play for Newcastle!!!

Gladyce: when you get a new canister of lightweight kitty litter, don't pour it all into the kitchen trashcan you brought to your bedroom...

Eagle-Eye Cherry: us people related to famous musicians have just enough juice in us to put out one REALLY GREAT SONG of our own. and that's it.

Sean Lennon: ...

Jakob Dylan: ...

Robin Thicke: ...

Black Lab: that band fronted by lead singer Paul Bettany...

Pumpkinhead: that grave was like a raised platform on the stage of a live production of Cats on Broadway, the spotlight above in the sky shining on that grave stage...

Chipotle at the mall: there's not one can-opener in this restaurant.........this would not be a good fallout shelter after a nuke hits...

Borat: for all actors: you're gonna be embarrassed, but you must remain in character...

mint chocolate chip: it's meant to be light green, not white...

Sabrina Curzi: remember our mint chocolate chip shakes at Baskin-Robbins we shared together in the late '90s after school when my mom would carpool us around town?

me: yes. we were rebels. i never knew ice cream could be a shake sucked through a straw.........i wish i was your son...

Murders in the Zoo: Dinner at Eight with animals...

friends: two people who are bored at the same time...

The Wraith: see? the Speed Racer live-action movie was already done very well here...

Santa: my beard's not white, i'm brushing my teeth, that's Pepsodent foam. 

Mrs. Claus: brush your whiskers once in a while, you fat lazy work-once-a-year peppermint bastard.

L7: "Bite the Wax Tadpole" was actually about male genitalia...

every alternative band's first late-'80s album: we sound like R.E.M....

me: are you going to your lectures?

Liza: i've had enough lectures in my life!!! from men who love to tell me off.

me: most professors are women now.

Liza: i'll get to my lessons. but first i need to drive to every Utah Mammoth ice hockey game, home and away. the season pass cost me as much as my Willy Wonka Golden Ticket.

me: i'm not gonna say you're stalling but...

Liza: i'm not wasting time, i watch these hockey games live in the arena with my best friend who has cancer. learning comes in many forms...

LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: REST

Liza: they fired me. Safeway fired me.

me: what happened?

Liza: i was taking too-long breaks. i wasn't doing anything nefarious, i was simply sleeping!!! i've been EXHAUSTED for a long time now.

me: yeah i've noticed, you're always too tired to scandal with me. who did it?

Liza: Daddy Warbucks the bald bastard. he scooted me into his office, sat me down, pointed his dirty finger in my face and told my eyes, "you can't cheat your way through life, you little fofo."

me: what are you gonna do now? work at Lucky?

Liza: see this is what offends me. everyone is telling me to walk a block to Lucky, it's a lateral move. 

me: no it's easier, WAY LESS people there, it's more chill, it's not corporate like Safeway which is a warehouse chain. Lucky is mom-and-pop if your uncle's in jail.

Liza: yeah but four people work there, they're not hiring. besides, who says the only thing i know how to do is fucking groceries!!! look i get it, i know Ericka over there at Lucky, she's nice, she's the fat me. but what if i want to skydive? 

me: what are your interests?
Liza: i'm a 50-year-old woman, how do i know what my interests are?!!! right now all i want to do is SLEEP.

Wilford Brimley: i look WEIRD without my diabeetus Quaker Oats mustache in The Thing...

me: no i'm not Audrey. no i don't want to set up a time when you guys can come over and cut down my trees. 

Jen R: Holly Golightly fucked a Lorax which turned Dr. Seuss into a dark Existentialist.

Prince walking out of the elevator: i'm fine, i just tripped...

Victor Wembanyama: i'm gonna have to start doing commercials for Waymo, aren't i...

Dick Miller: i'm the John Wayne of B movies...

Chopping Mall: that puce-colored zigzag staircase outside at the Sherman Oaks Galleria, that was the first Vaporwave.

Jm J. Bullock: that's not me in the movie...

fuck fuchsia, it's Friday: nice alliteration.

linner: not lunch and dinner combined, rather a light dinner of soup...

me: take off your pants.

Ericka from Lucky: the jeans? make me cum.

me: i wanna make love to you in the half-frozen aisle / half-pet food section lane at Lucky.

Ericka: do you like all the Christmas decorations put up around the store? they're all from my home.

me: but it's only Halloween.

Ericka: bent tin Santa Clauses with drunk faces and pink mini Christmas trees...

Johnny Rotten: sex is overrated. why is sex the sum of all human experience? when you're a punk you recognize that you're not gonna have sex. that's why you dye your hair green, put a chain in your nose, and wear a dirty jacket. because society sucks.

Chipotle: i mean if you have no family on Thanksgiving, the pollo asado kinda looks like turkey...

Central Perk: isn't it weird how that big-ass orange sofa was never taken? only the butts of the 6 Friends ever sat on that sofa. no other coffee patron in New York City sat on that sofa... 

Billy Crystal: i'm an atheist now. 

Robin Williams: only NOW? thanks a lot...

Fox Mulder: i would have seen that UFO if i had been driving a Mazda...

Fixodent: doesn't taste like Pepsodent...

Ganon: i made my first appearance in Return of the Jedi...

the AT-ATs: Ray Harryhausen...

the Space Adventure Cobra video game: it'll be like Dragon's Lair...

The Thing: WAY CREEPIER than The Exorcist...

me: go through arbitration with the union.

Liza: but see, why should i be fighting to keep this Safeway job with all my might? what if this is a GOOD thing. what if this got me FREE to pursue my real destiny. let the failure happen, don't fight your mistakes...