DEGREES OF DONENESS: CONAN CORGAN

 

Conan O'Brien is chatting up Billy Corgan on the NYC subway.

Billy Corgan: before we continue, i just have to warn you: i'm no Ben Affleck. 

Conan O'Brien: why haven't the Smashing Pumpkins ever played my show?

Billy: to be fair you never asked me.

Conan: my Springsteen drummer Max doesn't like you.

Billy: it would have been cool, too, i had a LOT of time while i was promoting my country album...

Conan: it doesn't matter, all that matters is we look like we're brothers...

Billy: yeah...

Conan: takes me back to when i booked The Verve Pipe and Robyn on consecutive days during Fleet Week of 1996...

Prince Charles: the boys at Eton never called me Pounce Charles...

Chuck Norris at his Sherman Oaks Karate School: i'm dead.........this is not the setup for a Chuck Norris joke...

The Wraith: the same face-switching technology as in Space Adventure Cobra...

Charlie Sheen: people still said "far out" in the '80s?

Monster Squad: make sure to get the house next to the drive-in theater so you can watch free movies by climbing up to the roof of your house and using binoculars to look at the large outdoor movie screen.

TOM: i envy that boy's pajamas. now that's a cool kid wearing those Robotech pajamas at that time DECADES before the world caught up to how cool Robotech was. 

best spaghetti scene in cinema: A Woman Under the Influence.

the Bundesliga: like smoked brisket at Chipotle, it just doesn't do it for me. it's just not magical like the Premier League and Taco Bell are.

new band: we knew we made it when we started playing arcades...

cats: toss the catnip, we just want to smell Doublemint gum.

C.H.U.D.: this is actually a deeply moving account of the intricate networks homeless people form to live underground beneath a city.

Sherilyn Fenn: see this pink 6:30AM November sky? it's a very The Wraith sky. i looked WEIRD in The Wraith, like i was a different person...

man in black top hat: don't just say Nov 27, say the day of the week.

Jen R: to curate which specific Instagram post gets DM'd to this friend and which to that friend, based on each person's NUANCED personality, is an art form.

me: not a job.

Jen R: just because she likes E.T. doesn't mean she's gonna like Alex P. Keaton...

Michelle Mermaid: why are all college and NFL kickers Australian? because they practice on boomerangs...

Obama: after the presidency i did some modeling for Navage...

Chicken in a Biskit: who wants crackers to taste like chicken?!!!...

fuck: what did people say BEFORE 1475?...

Fritz Haeg: i'm a monk who fucks...

Monster Squad: the Animorphs prequel...

at the top floor of the Capitol Records circular tower, Brian Vander Ark is chatting up Robyn but Robyn sees through to Brian's soul.

Brian Vander Ark: this is a wild week for the both of us!!!

the two stand still clutching each other's fingers as they pose for the official photograph against an army-green backdrop.

Robyn: *in a Swedish accent* to labelmates!!!

the rest of The Verve Pipe mill in the background gaining a fear of heights from looking out the circular window. executives in suits crouch under the long oak boardroom table.

Brian: that was a raw deal you got. both of our hit songs are about abortion but you were forced to drop yours because the music industry, despite this being the cool '90s, is still owned by men. 

Robyn: when will the suppression end? plus i'm European where we're lax, i'm not used to over here.

Brian: i would call Madonna to help you out but i don't have her number, my song hasn't actually hit platinum yet...

Robyn: don't people understand about lived experience? my abortion was painful for me. 

Brian: no, most men are politicians.

Brian: you should have seen me in college.

Robyn: you had Noah's beard?

Brian: i hit the books my freshman year, i was a nerd who missed the whole rave scene. i didn't want to be one of those foolishly-wise sophomores.

Robyn: arks are making a comeback, in Europe there are more arks than cars. 

Brian: my first girlfriend was Swedish, but her hair was black. we're blondmates.

Robyn: blondemates.

Brian: what's your last name?

Robyn: Batman.

TABERNA: VOLCANIC FLOWER

 

and so a week later Pompeii was INDEED overrun by the lava from Mount Vesuvius which blew his top like he was an alive god. 

Liza the soothsayer: lava like a fucking blanket. EVERYTHING destroyed. good thing all the townsfolk left because they paid attention to my warnings. see we as a people really do pay attention to dreams. 

Liza: god what a mess. everything burnt to a crisp, even my stone stove. all i see in this river of lava and volcanic ash are starched socks and a bottle-opener made of stone...

Jesus: i don't want you for a sunbeam.

Kurt Cobain: i know, that's why i'm depressed.

Jesus: i want you to replace me when i retire...

An American Werewolf in London.

Prince Charles: i don't like cigarettes. look, Princess Diana's head was too square-shaped for me, okay?

Shakespeare: yes i was French, what of it? we are ALL French. do you know how promiscuous the French people are?...

Linzi Drew: strangest movie ending i've ever seen. the tone was wacky...

Richard Scarry: you learned about yeast from me. how to cook with yeast. without me you wouldn't know what yeast was, those cubes of yeast in that LOOONG loaf of French bread baked by that mottled cat in the chef hat with the rolling pin...

SimpliSafe: the agent won't, like, look into your bedroom, don't worry.

Cher: i'm the world's Earth mother now that Dolly Parton is gone.

Nick Cassavetes in The Wraith: i'm a virgin in this...

ramen: like shredded-wheat biscuit pillows...

Julius Aqueduct: wanna make love?

Aeus: not in these togas.

Julius: Liza the soothsayer is my mother...

Aeus: i figured.

a blue wave coming from the Tyrrhenian Sea crashes onto the WIDE lava flow fossilizing the small city-state into a layer of volcanic soil. a minute later from out of this soil grows a red volcanic flower. Julius plucks this flower and puts it in Aeus's triangular hair.

Aeus takes the flower from her hair and snorts it up her left nostril.

Aeus: it's been a stressful week. 

TABERNA: DREAMS ARE NOT THINGS TO BE TRIFLED WITH

Aeus: the soothsayer knows!!!

Julius Aqueduct: that lady i never talk to in town? the pulchritudinous prophesier Liza i believe?...

Liza the soothsayer: like the slit in my toga? have you voted today?

Aeus: Nero has allowed for Midterms today.

Julius: somehow i don't trust him...

Liza: i'm seeing that you're coming to me because a rising concern is weighing down on your skinny shoulders.

Aeus: will Pompeii get buried in volcano?

Liza: of course it will. if we don't all move in a week. i had a dream last night where i saw the whole thing: the red ashy scene a week from now, it was horrible and ghastly to watch like a movie.

Julius: isn't that more of a nightmare?

Liza: dreams aren't meant to be a fun time, kid. they're meant to ORACLE.

Salinas mayor: why don't we have miniature golf here?!!!...

Ariel: a mermaid always lands on her feet.

retirement: don't do it alone, it's more fun with people.

monk: i don't want to be in this monastery. i want to be reviewing something i wrote on the computer. where i typed the TITLE of some book or movie, making sure the comma or colon right next to the title was NOT italicized by association...

movies: we love them because we watch as other people do all the living, we can just relax...

Chris Berman: call me Boomer. i don't know how much longer they'll let me do The Fastest 3 Minutes In Sports, so let's cherish the highlights we have left together. take this soup spoon, put it in my jack-o'-lantern, and let's eat pumpkinseeds together.

Bill Murray: my dog just died.........luckily i'm a cat person so i'm still smiling...

Layne Staley: one thing i'd change in "Nutshell": "alone," not "all alone..."

Cobra from Space Adventure Cobra: i'm the only hero who RECOILS from discharging his weapon. but i look cool doing it...

David Naughton in An American Werewolf in London: running naked through a zoo: fun. naked in a cage with two real wolves: not so much.

Jamie Gangel: you don't want to visit her in her trailer in the Simi Desert because she's hot but she's also your aunt. she makes you uncomfortable, you start to tingle when you're around her and you look at her face. you will be forever grateful to her for introducing you to the movies of Robert Redford...

Nic Cage: my house was taken out by the Blue Wave and i couldn't be happier for the country!!!

Julius: why do all oracles' eyes have no pupils?

Liza: oh that's just my white color contacts. i'm seeing that you want your fortune told?

Julius: will i get lucky?

Liza: in sex or love?

Julius: i cannot rightly answer that without betraying that i'm a Roman man.

Liza: i crack an egg, that's how i divine.

Julius: this is one cool stone stove you have here!!! it's a giant convex circle of stone in the middle of your room.

Aeus: your stone stove was made from Stonehenge!!!

Liza: i look at the pattern of the egg as i prepare it to be my breakfast of fried egg, shells and all.

Julius: that's not a good sign, the egg is in the shape of a skull.

Aeus: that's the shape of a volcano.

Liza: no it's the shape of a heart. besides, see this little piece of egg that broke off, this straggler egg flapping in the wind? it's seahorse-shaped...

 

TABERNA: THE FIRST TOGA PARTY

 

in the village of Pompeii, on a mountain in the suburbs of Ancient Rome, Julius Aqueduct is chatting up Aeus.

Julius Aqueduct: the mountain we live on, is it a mountain or a volcano?

Aeus: no one knows. 

Julius: eh, i'll worry about that later. wanna go on a date?

Aeus: why have you taken me to this apothecary?

Julian: so you can try this thing called pop. it's like soda. goes well with ice cream.

Aeus: ice cream?

Julius: imagine if the family cow grazing on the green grass of your farm on a hill was frozen.

Aeus: you have quite the imagination. 

Julius: we all get it from Hades. i got a million ideas if you'll stick by my side...

you know what they say about closed doors: they stay open in a haunted house...

Jen R: the scariest thing is when you can't actually move on...

Mick Fleetwood: i was just about to kiss Stevie Nicks in the mouth.........but i forgot my Fisherman's Friend lozenge...

Tide EVO: we make your clothes SPONGY...

An American Werewolf in London: getting fed by a nurse is the most erotic foreplay.

Freud: now THAT's oral!!!

Jenny Agutter: you'll forget about me soon enough once you see Julie Delpy naked...

Jen R: it's even sexier when a woman reads to you...

David Naughton: let us all return to the cozy comfort of an '80s one-night stand.

James Murray the lexicographer: i'm WAY too monk to have this ordinary name. my name should have been Xerxes or something.

Medicare talking dog: not Satanic. but rather dementia-related, this dog does talk to a lot of seniors after all...

blond guy from Blade Runner: time like rain.........time is also the fire in which we burn...

the 1930s: when a big burly man could be taken down by a lovetap to the back with a butter knife...

Marlene Dietrich: in the '30s when you were nervous to talk to a man, ask him for a cigarette...

Marlene Dietrich: the famous scene of me shivering on board the train in Shanghai Express, my face lit UP by the spotlight above...

me: ...that scene was exactly ME when i called Jen on the phone, i was a nervous wreck taking live to my soulmate.  

Jen R: your jaw was reverberating. you had the body shakes.

Confucius: first time ever MY name was invoked before kissing...

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?: it looks like an episode of Gidget in black and white...

minestrone soup: try ALL your seasoning salts in me...

Pete Davidson: i'm now a stagehand at Saturday Night Live, i move the Weekend Update desk into place during the commercial...

Melissa Maker : a raincoat with a hoodie and SHORT sleeves? why?

lemon poppy: not a great flavor. get the glazed muffin instead.

Elaine Benes in a yellow raincoat: ...

Jean Harlow: nobody eats dinner at eight anymore...

Sally Field doing the Goodnights at the Saturday Night Live episode she hosted: thanks for coming. and everybody have a good time. and be SAFE at the afterparty!!! ah the '90s, that warm nanny blanket over us, Robin Williams is still alive protecting us as everybody's Mrs. Doubtfire...

Anthony Bourdain: using TRON cycles in Get Jiro!, that was my touch...

country music: let's face it, we NEVER recovered from the rise of rock and roll...

Inde Navarrette: i am OBSESSED with Resident Evil.

Jillian Clare: um, i did the whole gamer-babe thing first, like ten years ago before it was fashionable. i just finished writing the sumptuous love story in Grand Theft Auto VI. the sex scene in the Vaporwave shower with the neon purple water? 

Inde: i'm bisexual.

Jillian: sure you are. you just haven't met my man yet.

Alanis Morissette: i'll spell your last name if you spell mine...

Jillian: everyone thinks it's Jillian Claire.

The Wraith: who knew Nick Cassavetes was THAT TALL?!!!

Aeus: like what? i have a lot of free time, there's not much to do in this era.

Julius Aqueduct: well like you know what Halloween is? the new holiday on the horizon.

Aeus: like our Dead Day?

Julius: bingo.

Aeus: what's bingo?

Julius: modern Mesopotamian game. so everyone's looking for a Halloween trick, like Nero tricks us all the time from the podium.

Aeus: gimme all the ambrosia candy.

Julius: but i'm gonna sing Christmas carols in front of my house for Halloween. 

Aeus: that'll stun the Huns!!! leave them stone-faced like the stone of your house.

Huns: we'd rather be stoned and confused.

Aeus: wait, Christmas?

Julius: it's a new religion, heard of Jesus? he's the new guy on the scene, his stuff is just reaching us now. unlike our boring Hebrew teachers this guy has the charisma of a rockstar.

Aeus: the long hair of one. i will reserve judgment but i'm gonna have a crush on this man!!! the pax think he's crazy but he's crazy cool to me. his ideas are DANGEROUS.

Julius: sigh. i'm trying here i really am.