KURT LODER ON THE CASE: BECK HANSOM

 

Kurt Loder is at Beck Hansen's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt Loder: tropical.

Beck Hansen: thanks, man. are you tired?

Kurt: no i just look that way. 

Kurt: so you see the confusion.

Beck: no worries.

Kurt: i thought it was Beck Hanson, i thought you were the eldest Hanson brother who went off on his own, went solo to do his thing.

Beck: compelling narrative. is Hanson into experimental?

Kurt: i wouldn't know. how do you feel about the "You Get What You Give" lyrics?

Beck: it was a gutcheck. it made me change religions. that New Radicals guy's gonna guest-vocal on my next single.

Kurt: so it seems all is forgiven. this whole thing wasn't a publicity stunt, was it?...

Beck: i'll call you a Hansom cab to pick you up and ferry you the fuck outta here.

Kurt: why? i mean why the Hansom cab?

Beck: just in keeping with my eccentric nature, that's all.

at Hanson's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt: i'm not gonna take the tropical bait.

middle Hanson brother: you know the New Radicals song really made me think. here i was thinking this whole time we were doing serious music here, like Nirvana music. turns out everyone thought we belonged on something called Kidz Bop?

Kurt: so you're not the guy from Home Improvement?

middle Hanson brother: no but i did go to Harvard. to study music theory.........for my concept album...

Dying Young: the love story of Michael Stipe and Cher...

Cousin Itt: i always win the Halloween costume contest...

Will Smith: you know the Men In Black dance i do with the alien? that was my tribute to Michael Jackson...

PBS: we're showing the documentary Swamp Buggy Fever because PBS Florida is a thing...

tin trash cans in the '80s: recycling wasn't a thing in the '80s, no brown and green bins. no wood board over the cans to keep the wombats out of the trash, we used iron chains on the trash cans...

Jim Cantore: weatherstripping is not a nude weatherwoman on TV, it's not seeing Jen Carfagno naked in the Weather Channel bathrooms which i did by accident...

Easter Island: we're technically the tropics...

Dying Young.

Campbell Scott: i wanna fuck before i lose to the leukemia. i put out a newspaper want ad seeking an attractive nurse.

Julia Roberts: a newspaper want ad? how quaint.

Campbell: oh and i'm sure YOU think you're just the most beautiful woman who ever walked uphill sidewalks. 

Julia: no, my mouth is weird. when you smile you look deranged. are you the son of a soup scion?

Campbell: a minestrone magnate, yes.

Julia: do you realize that nobody has EVER seen me naked?...

the Match Game 1970s set: the same set where Karen Carpenter sang "Close To You" and "We've Only Just Begun..."

Peg Entwistle: hiking to the H was longer in those days because the sign was HOLLYWOODLAND...

Swami: ...

Peg Entwistle: was Thirteen Women a good motion picture?

Swami Yogadachi: with deepest regrets i predicted this motion picture would be lost to the sands of time like a circus troupe...

Frankie Muniz: my wife told me over breakfast, "you're not the boss of me now." i should have listened to my own show!!!

Kurt is at his therapist's.

Kurt Loder: you should have seen me today.

therapist: gangbusters?

Kurt: no it was a total disaster. i couldn't remember any of those guys' names, i got them confused. i should know this stuff, i should be more on the ball. i work for MTV for Jesus sake!!!

therapist: music journalism is a young man's game. what are you, 40 now?

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY

 

Tabitha Soren: i've just come back from the Medical Examiner's Office.

Kurt Loder: yeah.

Tabitha: you look tired, Kurt.

Kurt: that's how i always look, the light left my eyes long ago, my eyes were a New England lighthouse in the 1880s taking crashes of waves on a craggy island, we were all wearing frilly frocks back then. music is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

Tabitha: our bosses at MTV have your new assignment: have you heard of "You Get What You Give"?

Kurt: the New Radicals, unexpected hit song on the radio.

Tabitha: not THAT unexpected, it is catchy. those lyrics tho.

Kurt: yeah, poor Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson.

Tabitha: but that's the thing, everyone focuses on those two and miss the two who were FIRST besmirched in the lyrics: Beck and Hanson. go to Beck and Hanson and see how they're feeling about it.

Tabitha: btw, have you seen Marilyn Manson lately?

Kurt: um, yeah, he's fine.

Tabitha: and Courtney?

Kurt: Courtney Love is consoling Kurt Cobain...

Shaun Alexander: see everyone hates Alabama, but when i joined the Seattle Seahawks i used those Southern skills in the North and suddenly i was cool.

Kurt Cobain: yeah.

James Joyce NOT drunk doing a pubcrawl around Ireland: what's the point of being an Irish writer? you'll never be as good as me...

a mall food court in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s: parkouring the alleyways in Blade Runner...

pancake syrup: not good warm...

Melissa Maker: like my Friday-night tits with cum on them.

Taco Bell: Mexican Pizza.........Sauce is back!!!

Creepshow: this was a cartoon in the '80s, right? came on after Smurfs. yeah i remember that Creepshow Christmas special...

den: a man cave in the '80s...

Lindy Lenz: my email is lindyl999999999@aol.com.

me: are those Ls? you do this so no creeps can reach you.

Lindy: not necessarily, there are 9 nines...

Jasmine and Connor Cook of Double Take Reacts: we're quickly catching up to Suzy Lu and Steejo. we react to ALL the songs, even the controversial songs. we're not brother and sister doing the dishes together in the same flat.

Steejo: same. people think because i'm a kickboxer i can do the Kakashi ninja moves. but i can't.

Ted Turner: i taught Portuguese kids in the '90s English. my greatest creation was not the Atlanta Braves or CNN. it was Cartoon Network. i was the basis for the captain in Sealab 2021...

Saudi Arabia: we're known for our wall of death.........it's not what you think...

Kurt Loder is at his therapist's.

therapist: how are you surviving this week, Madison?

Kurt: it's Kurt. today was a bad one, doc. more than usual for my hangdog life. did you see SNL this weekend?

therapist: i'm afraid i missed it. i was busy blowing up balloons. is John Belushi still doing his thing over there?

Kurt: they had a skit where they portrayed Link from the Legend of Zelda video games as the biggest weenie in the world, a real nancyboy compared to the macho Italian ladies'-man guy from the GTA 6 game.

therapist: GTA?

Kurt: Grand Theft Auto. those games which rot the young men of America like the music of Korn did.

therapist: gotcha, i remember now. why do the ladies love criminals?

Kurt: because i like the Zelda games, i like solving puzzles, i felt like Link: a woman with big ears and blonde hair. my love interest Princess Zelda looks like my son.

therapist: i see. i'm calling up my fellow therapist Robin Williams right now to see if he can talk to you, help you through these feelings of feeling insignificant. i've been there. 

Kurt: i know i'm a wuss, but this week i felt like a weenus.

 

  

WITHDRAWN: MICROWAVE McDONALD'S

Lucio Rossi: they don't have a microwave McDonald's section.

me: what do you mean?

Lucio: don't you think by now McDonald's would put out their Big Macs, fries, Chicken McNuggets, and that waffle thing in frozen form and sell them in the frozen aisles of supermarkets across America? and Papua New Guinea?

me: yeah seems like a missed opportunity.

Lucio: Lucky should start the trend. imagine being able to microwave McDonald's fries in a TV-dinner tray and have them taste of beef tallow...

me: that ice has been melting a long time...

in Lucio's room, it's a different story.

Lucio: i'm sorry man, but i can't do this anymore. i've been eating McDonald's in my room for five days now, i feel NAUSEOUS from the smell. a salty greasy odor of decay wafts in my room, the scent of heavy digestion. in the space where i sleep. forgive me Lucy my first love.

me: can you counter it with a countersmell?

Lucio: yes, i've been putting coffee pods under my bed to add a layer of coffee under where i sleep perchance to dream. coffee smells bad but coffee GROUNDS smell like hope. i feel like i'm in the saved Amazon jungle...

The Weather Channel: we say Mother Nature, we can't say God...

Bud Selig: it's the saddest thing in the world that the Milwaukee Brewers have never won the World Series. we were the first baseball team...

monk: what's under my robe? pajamas.

Brother Peewit: we call the sun the Daystar...

Jen R: you're Daystar-worshippers!!!

Love Death + Robots: we are OBSESSED with the Afghanistan War...

Phoebe Buffay: you're my lobster.

David Foster Wallace: i know...

tassel hanging from a car rearview mirror: could be Catholic, could be from a strip club...

"Kaleidoscope": that's gotta be a Smashing Pumpkins song, right?...

The Prince of Tides: rent a beach house along the South Carolina shore for two weeks and watch this movie leisurely...

Barbra Streisand: The Prince of Tides was the ultimate '90s movie. it was also the movie where i got my mind and body right. this shy awkward Jewish girl with her funny face. for the first time in my life i felt pretty as i fucked a tired Nick Nolte on the silver screen in front of millions sitting in their seats in theaters...

Amelia Earhart: kinda cool how my plane had two car steering wheels as the yoke.

Lucio: i'm exhausted. i feel like retreating from the world forever and living in a sticky cocoon. are you impressed with me? do any of these inventions and creations of fire and gadgets of mine impress upon you in any way? do you like me?

me: of course. i liked you BEFORE all the mad-scientist scrap. you're my bes fren.   

Lucio: you did? i'm so tired. this is affecting me.

me: why sure. do you know how we became best friends? we were the two smartest students in our class. the teachers sat our desks next to each other grade after grade.

Lucio: yeah, that's how we got to talking. about Nintendo. not girls.

Lucio: do you want to join me on my duvet? the cover is buttoned like St. Cyril's nostalgia. you must promise to be my best friend till the end of my days.

me: deal.

Lucio: i need a best friend, not just a friend. 

 

WITHDRAWN: A BLAST OF AIR TO THE FACE

at Lucky, Lucio Rossi invites me in through the front door.

Lucio Rossi: you feel that?

me: i just got blasted in the face!!!

Lucio: now you know how a pornstar feels. right? a blast of COLD AIR to the face as each customer walks into the grocery store. that really invites them in on a hot summer middle day. makes them want to stay awhile and buy more. i'm gonna install this in my room, i have all the wires. when you enter my room, a blast of cold air to the face. so you're more willing to stay. and be my friend.

Lucio would often tell me random things about his life when he was pushing his grocery cart around the aisles. when he hit the frozen section he REALLY would let loose. it was like he was in a trance.

Lucio: i made love with a woman on the roof of a flowershop.

me: wow, that's so romantic. did you give her flowers from the shop below after?

Lucio: no. it was the romantic concept of the thing, you know? mental note: grocery car, save for later...

a like on Instagram: you want to show support, but you don't want to get in the way.

Cord Daddy: when you don't have a daddy...

Madonna giving the Video Vanguard award to Kurt Cobain: everyone in the world is an actress...

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, the swimming semen in the video, get it now?...

Pat Smear: i'm still technically in Nirvana?...

a Japanese love ballad: the year is 1994...

Love Death + Robots "Night of the Mini Dead": come on, even mountain monks can't escape the zombies?!!! zombies wouldn't care about monks.

Brother Peewit: there weren't zombies in Smurfs because we kept our black-magic potion bottles corked.

anime penguin: poor penguins don't know of nuclear war, a missile trapped in their ice, for shame, put that stupid human missile in the desert!!!

Gordon Ramsay: not the taco truck!!! i'm trying to impress Pati Jinich over here.

fattet hummus: Middle Eastern nachos. the Levant with lemon.

Fantasia (1940): did you ever think Satan would be a Disney character?

Walt Disney: blue tits to the face!!!

Mickey Mouse: Fantasia is the best Halloween movie...

Alex Honnold: wait, a mountain is really a demon's folded wings?!!! i'll never look at a mountaintop the same way again...

Morrissey: Zima, the UnCooler...

Michael Weiss: when you scroll Instagram at 10AM, you get some very different characters...

JFK: i became a sex addict to defy the endless physical ailments my body endured throughout my life, i was in physical pain and sex clears the mind. it was a good thing Marilyn Monroe was my nurse or i wouldn't have made it.

Eddie Vedder: um, sir.........you're my my hero, by the way. wanna live with me in Hawaii?

JFK: ohana sounds weird said with a Boston accent. nevermind me, what's up with the Pearl Jam drummer situation?

Matt Cameron: i left to find Chris Cornell...

Screech from Saved by the Bell: like Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter, everyone forgot about me until it was too late. they figured i was the little runty sidekick, i'd be okay, i'd survive.

Horshack: i was gay but i never did a dirty sanchez.

PBS: would you host a travel show if you had to eat iguana?...

Class of Nuke 'Em High: Steve-O's dad?

Vanilla Ice: i'm at the indoor bikini party because this is Florida, right?

bikini babe: you're supposed to drink the suntan lotion to stay hot, right?

Walker: when i first entered Jackie's house, Falkor barked at me. 

Falkor: you were a stranger, i didn't know from magic. you had the long blond hair of an evil wizard.

Walker: this was crucial. critical. vital. if i couldn't get Falkor to like me, i couldn't leash him to take him on his walks, which meant i wasn't getting my dick sucked.

Falkor: it was a matter of life and death.

Jackie Fitzgerald: not to mention entering me...

Walker: why do you like me?

Jackie: it's like i'm fucking Kurt Cobain, my mother would HATE that. she liked Pearl Jam.

Walker: you're dating me to get back at your mother? but she's dead.

Jackie: no she's not, she's Pearl Jam's drummer...

me: Lucky's cool.

Lucio: yeah, it's like a gas-station minimart but a bit bigger.

i push the button and hit Lucio with five blasts to the face of cold air as we enter his room. nothing. no reaction. Lucio is out cold on his bed. i don't know if Lucio sleeping is a good thing or a bad thing...

he wakes up after a time. Lucio looks at his Casio calculator watch and can't find the time.

Lucio: i didn't see my progress!!! 

me: why do you work so hard?

Lucio: everyone expects me to be a captain of industry. i always had the latest technology so now i have to MAKE the latest technology. 

me: can you make a time machine so we can go back to '80s grade school?

Lucio: but i'm so tired all the time. and i'm hungry. there's one thing the frozen aisle at Lucky didn't have...