PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: FRIENDS WITH BOTH DIVORCERS

 

Chad Reynolds and i finally start a podcast.

Chad Reynolds: this will be a nice distraction for me, the divorce was unexpected.

me: the fact that somehow i'm STILL friends with you AND Melissa is a MIRACLE.

Chad: it'll make for a smooth transition when you become my kid's stepfather...

me: it was Father's Day and Melissa didn't like your Father's Day post on Instagram, that was devastating.

Chad: instead she posted an Instagram Story about how fathers are crucial to molding young minds, guardrails and shit, and if you ARE such a father, good for you.

Melissa Maker: come on, guys, do you really expect me to keep liking Chad's stuff on Instagram after the divorce? isn't that the point? i'm making it Instagram-official...

me: our first guest is Melissa Maker. after a messy and painful divorce, she's striking out on her own in search of voice-acting fame.

Melissa: striking out is right. the anime game is a gang war up here in Canada.

Chad: not cool, bro, i really need to see the guest list in the morning before we start...

me: so Melissa, have you met Laura Bailey?

Melissa: no, you said you'd set that up. you're the writer, remember? the Hollywood guy? i'm new to this, i was in the clean game. which was boring as fuck.

me: i may have said i knew a couple of Hollywood names to impress you. i do know two Hollywood street names. i said i LIKED anime, as in i've watched an ungodly amount of anime movies on lonely Friday nights instead of dancing at a steak restaurant. i mean YOU'RE the one with the connections...

Jennette McCurdy: when do i join the cast of SNL?...

Scarface (1932).

Al Pacino: imagine if MY 1983 Scarface was Pre-Code...

Tupac: you don't want gang rule? rule #1: no stag parties.

J. Jonah Jameson: The Booze War was greater than The Great War!!!

Tony Montana: i'm Hannah Montana's father? why is my barber Shemp? the streets will flow with blood like booze...

gangsters: America's first glamorous bad guys.

George Raft: flipping a coin repeatedly, the gangster cliche, but i wanted to be a football referee...

Scarface: the DISRESPECT!!! using  a police-star badge as a match edge, wow.

Cesca: girls just wanna have fun, Tony. i want to be Clara Bow!!! i want to kiss Curly Stooge on the sidewalk below us with the grind monkey.

flying fuck: oh sorry.

Tony: got a pencil? i need a Pixy Stix.

Boss Lovo: why'd you shoot up The Shamrock?

Tony: no Lucky Charms cereal, i was hungry.

Always Open: Denny's is in the pocket of the mob.

Howard Hawks: cool visual there to symbolize the out-of-control violence, shooting each page of a daily calendar for a year...

male secretary: i wanted to be in Marx Brothers instead. i'm in the moving pictures because i have no education. why do we have a second phone that's an intercom?

Tony: don't need a lawyer. habeas corpus. yeah. foot in the ass, donate my kidney, and i'm home free. to go antiquing with Poppy at the Iceberg Lounge.

Boris Karloff: i look like Hugh Laurie. the enduring lesson of Frankenstein is that he lived because of strict gun-control laws. a little torch fire waved around in his face is just gonna be ignored.

secretary: shooting up the place, holes in the coffee thermos, no hear name, good thing coffee wasn't scalding hot...

Tony: sure means no. i lost my accent when i got my lead-spitter. 

Lovo: jesus, i was leisurely enjoying the one three-panel Dick Tracy comic strip in the paper at an outside table of an Italian restaurant in the heart of downtown when i get tommy-gunned outta nowhere!!!

Lawnmower Man: mowed down...

Jen R: see it's confusing because the cops and the gangsters wear the same fedora, same hat, everyone looks the same. and that police detective looks like Boss Lovo...

John Waters: they both look like ME!!!

Bill Clinton: the answer is NOT tighter immigration laws. do NOT armyfy the police. it's the '90s, we can still turn this around...

Jen R: i want to play Electric Baseball at the 1930s bowling alley!!!

Lindy Lenz: hello this is Building, please leave a message, thank you...

me: what happened to you, bro?

Chad: life is what happens AWAY from Instagram.

me: you had a period of like eight months there of radio silence. remember when i DM'd you about the World Series? Freddie Freeman!!! with the Kirk Gibson home run for the ages!!! Freddie is Canadian!!! i thought that would really grab you. but nothing.

Chad: that was actually exactly when the shit started.

Melissa: yeah the World Series, i remember, on that day, the first game, that was when i asked you for a divorce.

me: how do you tell something like that to someone you love implicitly forever? 

Chad: remember the caption i typed under our Instagram anniversary pic? the adventure is just BEGINNING...

me: our listeners are listening. for love lessons.

Melissa: i dunno, i just kinda said it and blacked out. i knew i needed to say it, but i also knew i still had to go to Trader Joe's because we always run out of quinoa on Thursday...

Big Bang Beryl: Scott Weiland's Red Dwarf alterna-mistress.

Desiguales: if you don't do the dishes, you WILL get a divorce...

Tato Skins: '80s old-skool BIG Pringles.

Kermit smoking a doobie: Jim Henson had me do Dragon Ball Z to promote The Muppets, man. i had to inflate like the motherfucking Goodyear Blimp. Jim and i had a falling-out after that. for 3 years. he DID come to my tadpole's bar mitzvah at Marineland.

George Washington: I GREW HEMP. that was a thought bubble, not a speech bubble...

Matt from Safeway: Coast soap, because we're all coasting through life...

Chloe Annett: in search of the REAL Kochanski. establishing communication with me is like establishing communication with Jen R...

Friday the 13th: The Series: see Jason was one of the antiques...

OmegaBall: THREE teams on the field, that's pretty cool...

Rev. Snoop: if God didn't grow it, don't blow it.

Tupac "How Do U Want It": 

how do you want it?

how does it feel?

comin up as a nigga in the cash game 

living in the fast lane

nonpareil

Jon Rahm: i was Blond Rahmbo in high school...

Enlightenment: quiet.

Sailor Moon S song: Tuxedo milagro...

Rupert Grint: i was the grunt of Harry Potter.

Brian Wilson: i was a certified genius. it's amazing how i was able to get OUT of my depression after just three short years. John Stamos drumming bongos in our "Kokomo" music video was NOT an episode of Full House. is that a glass eye? oh you're just mad...

Chad: this Friday is the 50th anniversary of Jaws.

me: ...

Chad: well?

me: what.

Chad: aren't you the Hollywood guy?

me: it's a nice movie. the first summer blockbuster, it's historic, i get it. but i dunno. is there gonna be deleted scenes?

Chad: you don't need to impress Melissa anymore.

me: Jaws 3 but ONLY if it's the original cast...

Steven Spielberg: Jaws 3.........-D...