DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: INTERESTING BUT NEVER TOUCHED

 

we emerge from the Safeway Ancient Roman trough aqueduct.

Jen R: that sucked, literally.

me: i was gonna say with a renewed sense of adventurous vigor. 

Jen: we're in a strange dayglo-green forest.

me: dream or alternate reality?

Jen: same thing. 

Jen is Kochanski as Rachael from Blade Runner.

Jen: i always thought Sean Young got a raw deal. this hair is black-licorice cotton candy!!!

Chloe Annett: i HAVE to be in Red Dwarf: Promised Land, right? there's no other way...

Chris Barrie: one of the titles should have been "Blade Rimmer."

me: i am Lister as Rick Deckard.

Monica Pro: and apparently i'm Rimmer. ME?!!! Rimmer?!!! just because i'm in management? come on, i'm SOFTER than that previous Safeway bald boss!!!

Jen: you'll never have me, i'm WAY out of your league.

me: yeah i will, because i'm disgusting, but i'm brave.

Jen: but you're not brave.

me: right. and i hate motorcycles. but i WILL wear Lister's cool motorcycle jacket just as an anime-gang thing i guess. 

Jen: you WISH you had Lister's sexy ethnic dreads.

me: i wish i had ANY hair to call my own and style sexily to attract a female. 

Jen: women like frizzy chest hair.

me: my music is bad but it has that "Good Vibrations" feel to it that lets you know i have a good heart.

Jen: serenade me with "Ordinary People."

me: but you're out of my league.

Clay Aiken: Kelly Clarkson reorganized my refrigerator so drastically it turned into a tub that Benicio del Toro bathes in.

Benicio del Toro: Wes is only allowed by contract to call me Benicio del Bubbles from now on.

Wes Anderson: does Benicio really live in Encino?...

Demolition Man.

Zack de la Rocha: The Battle of Los Angeles is happening right now!!!

Cecilia Phillips: i'm packing my large black police baton in my FRONT jeanspocket in case anyone gets cute about Leslie Sbrocco's tits.

Sly Stallone: SLY STONE, not me.

Sylvester Stallone: my wife incidentally was a crow. my daughter is Edgar Allan Poe.

Denis Leary: move move move!!! get the Dubble Bubble tub of shrimp!!!

Sly: wait why am i fighting for this new society i hate? blanket, gets the bad guys every time. i quit, i'm just gonna be a cuisine valet here, leave me alone.

special men: gay.

Wesley Snipes: not John Starks, he's too uptight.

Orson Welles: victor gets this fireplace. i used Robert Blake's Diet Powder to make myself beautiful again.

Sandra Bullock: would you like to have sex?

Sly: with you?

Sandra: with my brother.

Sly: why do you have a mini-YMCA pool in the middle of your nostalgia apartment?

Sandra: vir sex.

Sly: virgin?

Sandra: virtual. do you know what the exchange of bodily fluids leads to?

Sly: a mess. a mess i clean up, hence my name Demolition Man.

naked Brandy Ledford: see the thing is i ALMOST got the Sandra Bullock part. funny how Hollywood works...

enhance your calm: Serenity Now.

Sly: what's in this burger?

underground lady vendor: Chuck E. Cheese. Spanish is still spoken in the future?...

Jen R: you own a pair of beige pajamas.

me: even i wouldn't drink a banana-broccoli shake. is it safe to eat cocktail weiners cold?

Jen: save me, saveloy!!!

Sandra Bullock: 40 dead bus passengers you say?...

Thom Yorke: i am LOVING this bubble bath from LUSH as the airbag.

Associate Bob: i'll just go back to the Lollipop Guild now.

multi-lifer: eats many bowls of LIFE cereal.

Sandra Bullock: in the future, there are no buses...

me: oh look at this!!! the trough's still here!!!

Jen: is it mirrored?

the cats Trinity and Talia scamper to drink from the ancient aqueduct.

Talia: historic water in this waterway.

Trinity: as in historically clean.

me: what's with you guys? in the early morning i go to the bathroom and lock the door, you cats go CRAZY running around the whole house!!!

Talia: when you turn on the water in the locked bathroom, we can't get to it!!!

Lisa Lougheed "Run With Us": that's the REAL The Legend of Billie Jean...

Suzy Lu eating Wotsits: broly. no, not Broly, broly as in like a bro...

Vanquish: gives you snoring...

Derek Van Dam: i give a damn enough to build a dam. hail the size of grapefruit. grapefruit for breakfast...

Scoey Mitchell: my name is from Baltimore...

Scoey Mitchell: Match Game '70 now on Game Show Network at 6 AM!!! the most nutritious way to greet the day!!! with heady nostalgia you'll never recapture in your own life again.

Jaleel White: i'm trying to recapture that Match Game magic with Flip Side.

Scoey: the '70s, the last decade you could fuck. i felt so loved in Brett Somers's arms...

Greta Thunberg: selfie yacht? nah, i don't own an iPhone. have you noticed you haven't seen me around lately? it's a freedom flotilla, the Palestinians get the short end of the stick AT ALL TIMES. can you at least use it to sail Tate back to Transylvania? do NOT paint the hull of the ship Tate's Taint...

Alcaraz: i'm the Pacers.

Anderson Cooper: that was me interviewing Satan in DBZ Episode 193...

RHCP "Can't Stop": this life is more than just a readthrough.

Shakespeare: double meaning.

RHCP: your dust enhances Chad Smith's lean-to.

Shakespeare: did you guys get that Airbnb in the Pleiades?

on the Red Dwarf set.

Robert Llewellyn: why are all my episode scripts 3000 pages long?!!!...

Jules Smith: i should like Cat best but i'm secretly SMITTEN with Kryten. 

Danny John-Jules: i was the one actually singing Tom Jones "It's Not Unusual" on the record...

David Attenborough: i want to live long enough to see a morphling...

Capp: you can't be brave alone.

Great Northern Bean: Bowie's bean.

me: you're my soulmate.

Jen R: was i gone a month? i don't remember. i secured a job but he wanted me to clean, too. i was like fuck no. i do have a can of Lemon Pledge from the '70s in my cupboard but that's a collector's item. digital design only, pal. maybe analog design if my Navage is filled with weedwater. i had to be firm with him, he was Orthodox Jew.

the two of us continue ruminating in a gauzy-green Vaporwave wood, blinkers on.

Jen R: why'd you stop the car in the clearing? we were driving alone just the two of us down a dark dirt one-way forest road in the afternoon, wasn't that your dream?

me: yes but it isn't real, Kris. i mean Jen. you're not the REAL Jen. you know, i don't have to marry you. if i can text you the rest of my life, i'm golden. 

Jen: and how do you know I want to marry YOU?

me: you gave me a chance. by texting BACK. i took that opportunity and ran with it. that's more chance than the rest of this fucking world ever gave me. it's not an opening, it's a lifeline. you gave me the slightest taste of the good life. 

Jen: hey you're in charge of remembering if i'm gone for a month again with no texts because you know i'm gonna forget...