DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: EVERYONE'S TOO BUSY FOR LOVE

 

we emerge out of the other reality back soaked and fetal-positioned in the Safeway bathroom trough.

me: just in time for hot breakfast chicken.

Jen R: look, i'm telling you right now, there's only so much Safeway chicken a woman can take.

so we all convene at a Burger King.

everyone's in line.

Alexandra Silber: dating is dead. matchmaking is having a moment, because of me. did ANYBODY see me in Fiddler on the Roof? it was only 260 shows. off-Broadway but still. medium fries. small fries, large fries, no i want the medium fries...

Jen R: this is so cool!!! have you seen the Burger King Happy Meals? the toys are Red Dwarf. look you can get a Lister's Jacket toy, the  motorcycle jacket. and a Wilma Flintstone toy. you snap the two toys together to form Wilma Flintstone on the back of Lister's jacket.

Lister: i'd marry Wilma but fuck Betty. the problem is getting with Betty doesn't exactly repopulate the human race...

Tyrese Haliburton, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and Stephen A. Smith sit around a Burger King booth by a glaring window with two ferns.

Tyrese Haliburton wearing a yacht hat: call me Hali. is this Filet-O-Fish halibut? the Finals don't start until someone eats a popcorn during a slam dunk. Hoosier americana. pick up. we need to pick up the PACE!!! it's okay, i'm handsome, you can say that i'm a handsome man, that doesn't make you less of a man.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: Shai GORGEOUS-Alexander. you guys are pests. the Indiana Pacers are like fern fleas, man, how do i get rid of you? Cell bug spray? i'm so tired after a game i'm holding my shorts. 

Jen R: omg i got a dollar back with George Washington on it with a speech bubble saying I GREW HEMP.

Stephen A. Smith with Bill Clinton thumb: see? I TOLD YOU. i told you, America...

George Washington: yes. i did. i grew hemp. everyone grew hemp back then. it was no big thing. why is everyone in 2025 so tense?...

me: pick up. did you change your number?

Jen R: i forgot.

me: it's just, i call it every hour and it goes to voicemail and the mailbox is full...

Jen: yeah i never check anything.

me: how cruel is that, i have your phone number but it's useless...

Stu: Seth Meyers has always been around with topical jokes, not sketch comedy.........i mean for the HARDCORE Seth Meyers fans...

Nicole: NOT a last name...

"We Are the World": it's a choice we're making, we're gambling our own lives...

Dr. Nancy Alvarez: bring back the schoolmarm bell.

at their own Burger King booth.

Stephen A. Smith wide-eyed: yeah yeah but then buttholes get tight. buttholes get tight under the hot lights of the Big City. 

Jacques Pepin: it's so nice to have my show back on PBS again. at 7 PM. it's so calm and quiet.

Stephen A. Smith: the bright lights of the NBA Finals. i am an American actor. hold up, 7 PM? i'm asleep by then!!!

Jimmy Carter: Georgia is slow but you need to slow GA or your eyes will turn to dust.

Georgia Flood: i'm from Australia...

Cocteau from Demolition Man: next time i'll make sure to program it so EVERYONE IN THE WORLD can't kill me...

Tyrrhenian Sea: Dune.

Jen R: everyone has Thursday off...

Jules Smith: ...

dad: hey don't get me a Switch 2 for Father's Day, okay?

me: but dad...

dad: Nintendo was YOUR thing. just get me that Boomer Esiason tie. okay the Kerouac tie. okay the Anne Bronte tie!!! everyone forgets about Anne!!! i mean unless i can play Pole Position on it...

Akira Toriyama: DAIMA isn't a dime a dozen.........btw, i liked GT...

Jaleel White on the Flip Side set: six episodes a day for four weeks?!!! fuck that noise, bro. that's madness month, man. that's 168 episodes with no bathroom break. but you know what? i get an 11-month vacation...

Dr. Dre: where do you go, Hawaii?

Jaleel White: Dr. Dre is still alive?...

John C. McGinley with mustache: i should be in the Cheers reboot, you know, the mailman...

Dark Passenger: i mean who's watching Dexter at 8 AM?...

Violett Beane: look at me, i'm Kurt Cobain's daughter. my name is plaid Seattle '90s grunge...

Gallagher: i was the only one who beat Goku fair-and-square mano-a-mano in a proper tournament setting...

Richard Dawson on the Match Game set: i taped this show in the morning and did Shakespeare in the afternoon.

Aaron Krickstein: match game set, get it?

Richard Dawson: yeah. on a stage in Van Nuys next to the Don's Plum...

Anthony Bourdain at Burger King: Rest Up? for what?...

me: that's the thing though, you know?

Jen R: yeah.

me: that is my element, that is what i love to write, those Hallmark movies with the impossibly good-looking women and men who vie for the corniest lines of rom-com dialogue, that is what matters to me.

Jen: yeah. it's a conundrum tho. i mean why would gorgeous people have problems marrying? or at least fucking the One? their MOM has to help them get a date?!!! hey, they may be bipolar germaphobes but look at them, they're gorgeous!!! if you filled these movies with ugly people, no one would watch. it'd be more realistic, but no one would watch.

Arthur the aardvark wiping Buster Baxter Bunny's mask: ...

Prunella from Arthur: i was supposed to be Prunella Scales. you know, Mister Rogers's mother.

me: i was put on this Earth to write this kind of corny dialogue. about the deeper meaning of toaster ovens and stuff.

Jen: yeah. i know. i understand. i grok you. i really am retaining what you're saying right now. one day i will prove it to you that i listened...