VILLAGE COUNCIL: MUNI FOREST

 

Jules Smith: the reason i'm such a hardarse on the environment is by growing the environment, we protect profits.

Mr. Farthington: how can that possibly be? do you want me to clear my throat in a British way in front of the whole council?

Jules: in front of the whole village yes. do you know why Nottingham Forest soccer club has the biggest field in all the Premier League? the biggest pitch? the biggest grandest stadium?

the councilpeople are stunned into silence like when Garfield eats lasagne.

Jules: because there's an ACTUAL FOREST inside the arena!!! a massive SPRAWLING Sherwood Forest that stretches for miles. that's why we win all our home games. the visiting team gets lost and trips on a chastity belt. no village can survive without its municipal woods...

Ventura: thank me for clean air...

Vanquish: when you don't have E, you can still feel like a Manc raver...

Vanquish for cats: catnip.

Bjork: it's actually "Pagan Piety..."

spam call: it won't be the same number twice...

Gene Rayburn: i'm sorry to have to do this to my wife, i really am, but i'm leaving my wife for Joyce Bulifant.

Joyce Bulifant: right? i'm 1975 Joyce Bulifant!!!

Laraine Newman: that's like 1975 Laraine Newman!!!

Joyce: i'm on fucking Alice!!!

Gene: i'm like that Greek tycoon guy who left his wife for Jackie O after JFK was shot.

Addison: it can be a man's name...

Dean: it can be a woman's name...

the book: brought communities together.

Jen R: not The Bible, The Phone Book, everyone's name was in the book, it was so easy to call for a date...

Lucille Ball in the Three's Company apartment: i love Jack Tripper like a son and soon a lover (after the divorce gets finalized) but what exactly is a superfan?...

Jack Tripper: my chest hair is red...

Ricky Ricardo: late-'70s divorces were DANK like this Cuban cigar i keep as a second dick ever since the fall of Castro...

Zeta Gundam preview: .........wait for it, HORN...

Star Trek: Enterprise: wait this will be a confusing name for our new show, people will think of the starship not a show.

T'Pol: yep.

The Cast at Downtown Los Angeles: this is a stage, a studio, not acting class, not acting lessons, at sundown we get naked.........emotionally.

Louise Lasser: the light filters through the diamond-shaped window, down to the waxy-yellow-buildup linoleum floor which is our stage below. up my skirt curling my Brett Somers wig...

Dorothy Lyman: i'm playing Jennifer Pizarro in the Lifetime Movie...

skunk: i know i smell like this, but i ONLY like smoking marijuana...

Gene Rayburn: together with our thanks, a two-tortilla'd burrito from Chipotle...

Joy Division: we were named after that Joy of Sex book from the '70s...

cats: all we see are beds...

cigarette: don't smoke me, squeeze my soft pack.

me: i will always be in love with Blaze Berdahl.

Ghostwriter: sorry loser, i already asked her to prom, i'm invisible and can travel at the speed of light...

Leslie Sbrocco: ...WITHOUT marijuana, i can attest to this. PBS Fam stand up.

Jen R: the way Blaze bid farewell to her Japanese boyfriend in the series finale rivals Bogart.

Blaze Berdahl: that hug i gave him was so tender and sincere we as a couple were the first YouTube anime.

me: single mothers are beautiful. 

Jan from It's a Living: yes. but they truly have NO time to date...

Jules Smith: wanna grab a late nosh at Richard Dawson's house?

Richard Dawson in W.C. Fields voice: i'm not as grabby as i was in the '70s.

me: i am in awe of your leadership.

Jules: it's not leadership, it's style.

me: lead me to a better life.

Jules: you still haven't figured life out yet? but you're old!!! you're like almost dead. i mean, i dunno, where do you want to live?

me: in the forest. but does DoorDash deliver McDonalds to the centre of the forest?

Jules: you should've joined things. like councils.

Jules Smith: this place is tiny but it does have its views. wanna stand in the middle of town and look at the sunset?

me: awkward positioning but okay. 

as we hug, the sun is blocked by Ingmar Bergman moving his church...

Ingmar Bergman: like i'm moving my church as a whole building from one spot to another in the village. from the south to the west part of town. 

me: on a wheelbarrow. but how?

Ingmar: a church on wheels, why didn't I write that?!!! that would have been a cool movie scene. but not in the middle of the movie.

Jules: denomination of your religion?

Ingmar: no man is a compass...

VILLAGE COUNCIL: BURGER KING MAKES SHOES?

 

the councilmembers one by one take their seats until the table is full and round. Mr. Farthington speaks for the group:

Mr. Farthington: i can't have any more of your environmental initiatives. my daughter needs trainers. you can only get trainers if we bulldoze the park and erect another mall. do you know what it's like for a teen girl in high school? if she doesn't look good, she can't learn!!!

Jules Smith: keep your toupee on, you portly piece of cheese. that pocketwatch is not doing you any favors.

Mr. Farthington: but the peppermint lining...

Jules: what type of shoes are we talking about here, pops?

Mr. Farthington: BK.

Jules: Burger King makes shoes?

Catherine Tate: right?

Mr. Farthington: no, British Knights. you should know this!!!

Jules: i've been barefoot since birth.

Estella Warren: no you see my boyfriend and i were recreating that Lemon Pledge scene from Family Guy...

StaceyRPG after listening to "Cherub Rock": *fanning herself* oh baby. that riff. i think i just had sex.

Billy Corgan: can you tell that to D'arcy? she's the one who played the riff!!!...

24 Hour Party People.

Gillian Gilbert: i wrote all the lyrics...

12-inch: it take big balls to continue with this format.

Mick Hucknall: there's no one in the crowd in this room. is it because i'm a ginger?

Steve Coogan: yes, you drank too much Coke Classic.

cobblestone street vagrant: obviously i have the most wisdom here because i'm the only person in this movie who's actually LIVED. Charles Dickens had wheels for balls. mutability means we can never experience anything...

Bez: we're in a band solely for the chow mein.

Manchester: can we go back to Ancient Rome? we miss the aqueducts, there's no clean water here. give the Florence Renaissance paintings to London but let us keep the Hacienda for our Taco Bell. bouncing bombs don't explode.

raves: start the kids early...

Happy Mondays: we were happy because of the hookers. a bus hooker is a very special type of woman. a bus hooker appreciates indie music.

bus hookers: we thought this was the New Order bus. we wanna fuck Gillian and start a girl band. what kind of stupid name is the Happy Mondays?... 

Steve Coogan: cocaine is a suit's drug, it got Charlie Sheen...

flirting: postmodern Postmates, the DoorDash of dating.

fairground ride: the one Mr. Bean DOES get on...

Pennines: call for pasta in the snow.

zinc roof: where Tony Hawk has sex.

Steve Coogan: we did make some beer-fueled techno music but it didn't sell...

Kermit the Frog: guns coming from bicycles is not the world Jim Henson wanted.

drug dealers: we're only gonna let people who have E in the club, not the hot girls...

heavy coffin: the weight of a speedball. a speedball becomes a wrecking ball. Shamu needed no straps...

Barbados: there's heroin but it's inside the coconuts. you can get methadone only at the airport...

Ibiza: not a place to record music, a place to get AWAY from music...

Steve with DAT tape: so this is just 20 minutes of a Hawaiian Punch commercial...

Simon Cowell: Pat Sajak gets pussy, that's all i'm gonna say.

Tony Wilson: i mean i do like saying the name Boethius.

Vini Reilly: disrespected again.

Suzy Lu: a Kentucky. see? everyone in the UK and Ireland, for some reason, LOVES KFC!!!...

dandelion clock: the time is always Zero in the wind.

inbetween the strobe lights of the dance club, Tony from Skins is pogo-ing...

Boc: walking everyday: good for your lungs, but your neck gets sunburned...

Kinpachi Sensei: the Japanese Mr. Kotter.

Gabe Kaplan: imagine me with a fro, brown tweed suit, orange corduroy pants, and a samurai sword in my hand.

Fareed Zakaria: i've never felt more lonely than when i was watching that '80s anime movie...

Tales from the Darkside "Anniversary Dinner": the Bob's Burgers original pilot as a live-action...

Coen Brothers: or a Looney Tunes live-action. a jacuzzi you slice some carrots, white potatoes, and purple onions into.

Leslie Sbrocco: what a waste of wine!!! don't dump wine into a jacuzzi, drink wine on the surface of the jacuzzi...

Progresso pastina soup: Campbell's chicken & stars soup for adults.

elephant: 2 YEARS PREGNANT?!!! i'm only doing that if Rock Hudson fucks me so hard he becomes a woman.

James Blake: your tennis-stringer machine, dropweight or crank?

Jannik Sinner: crank but i do not use drugs...

tennis: tennis is the world's healthiest sport.

Roger Federer: not when i was playing Rafael Nadal at the French Open!!!

me: if i kissed 1975 Joyce Bulifant...

Jen R: a Joyce Bulifant Kiss, on the lips.

Joyce Bulifant: ...magic would enter your life. you have fallen in love with me ever so slowly, ever so imperceptibly. i'm what a REAL Chicken of the Sea mermaid looks like. you have started to like tuna for the first time in your life. worry not, lover, i shall never turn into Jessica Simpson.

YMCA in the '80s: that MUSTY smell of the dirty towels...

Jules Smith pushes the red button and the sprinklers in the village-council building which is just one room made of straw all go off from the ceiling overhead. each councilperson gets SOAKED.

Jules Smith: you see? it's impossible to be mad at somebody when they're dripping wet. 

Mr. Farthington: the water has cooled my temper. splendid that. jolly good show and my mouth is all agog and all that regional shit.

Jules: now we can all carefully and calmly consider my proposal. we're not humans anymore, we're plants. think how the other side feels. what would a tree say now? 

  

   

VILLAGE COUNCIL: GAVEL

 

Jules Smith is now in charge. she's the head of the village council. me being her eternal right-hand man i do the odds and ends for her riding my Kermit bicycle on the only grass road delivering her pronouncements and missives. 

Jules Smith: do you like being my helper? my assistant?

me: i like being around you at all times.

Jules: look at this big-ass wood gavel!!! that's why i do this, for the gavel.

me: as i was strolling i got the sense that the village was experiencing a collective anger. people are mad.

Jules: we Brits ARE mad. but why so serious?

me: your new initiative for the environment, not exactly popular among the rabble masses. 

Jules: oh they'll come around once they get a load of me, you'll see. i ain't scared of no people, i only fear chocolate on English muffins. if you don't have butter, at least spread with marmalade and cheese. i don't get it, what is there to be in a tiff about? a village has no concerns. everyone has slept with the village blacksmith, their china is set.

me: the term "sleeping with."

Jules: it had to have come from The Canterbury Tales, right? the image of two strangers sleeping in the same box-bed, piously taking a nap together on the straw, no sex, the Medieval Church is watching.

me: i'm stressed.

Jules: have a full-bar Crunch chocolate bar, it calms the frayest nerve.

Carolita Fraley on Match Game '75: imagine Shelley Duvall with blonde hair and she became a Baptist minister because her father Stanley Kubrick was a Satanist...

24 Hour Party People.

Ian Curtis: you're gonna see my humorous side...

Peter Hook: the FUN SIDE of Joy Division.

Icarus: hang-gliding is NOT better than sex. unless it brings the next Zelda game faster.

Jen R and dad: read more.

insurance: still doesn't cover the meaning of death.

Pee-wee Herman: who jumped up first and started the Pogo dance?...

television: the idiot box, and your only friend.

Mr. Tony: nah you don't want to be conceited like Tony Stark. 

if you disappear: you can be a legend longer...

avant-garde New Wave indie spoken-word: give it a chance, all music is bad poetry in the end...

Steve Coogan: we're British men, we have sex with our clothes on.

nothing useless can be truly beautiful: sounds like something Nietzsche would say...

Jen R: remember co-ops at Berkeley?

Buddha: you cannot record silence with a microphone on a hill, only with your heart. 

Joe Downing: put your dirty laundry inside the drumhead!!!

William Butler Yeats: my first bestseller came was when i was 100 years old like Robert Crumb.

3-Day Week: maybe not such a good idea...

epileptic seizure: not spastic. blood in the mouth is new...

Donald Duck: and suddenly this is Babe. i herd sheep, it's the only job i could find after the Navy caught me not wearing any pants.

Jules Smith: loving postcard!!!

Ian Curtis: the town crier was a bit fancy. i'd like to keep this quiet. just get some grey-shirted bloke in an office mailing a letter, that's more urban-decay. 

Pee-wee Herman: the pigeons turned into claymation Playhouse pigeons.

elephant chap: i'm OLD, mate. not a kid. small and old. Ewoks lead depressing lives.

the cost of beauty: if only it was as simple as a Dove bath bar...

Bernard Sumner: yeah so Joy Division was SO depressing we decided to switch to more bright poppy songs...

Tony Hawk: i'm taking my married name so from now on please call me Tony Cobain.

Three's Company: remember when people actually READ at the breakfast table?

Jen R: a medical magazine with your sunny-side-up eggs, that Terri had a good head on her shoulders.

Princess Di: i was the intern doctor in that "Love Butt Tattoo" episode of Three's Company...

van de Zandschulp vs. Mpetshi Perricard: the chair umpire is getting hazard pay with this announcing workout...

Jenny Baranick: peripatetic is not a pathetic word. it just means you haven't found your place in the world yet, you're a permanent nomad.

Mariah Carey: i have a song caked "Without You" and a song called "With You." it's not that i can't make up my mind, it's that Carson Daly was taken.

Erling Haaland: i would have made that header if i had cut off this silly topknot on my head. 

Jules Smith: i've never seen you with your hair let-down and long. relax, big man, let down your hair, you minger.

Erling: i'll need a Ferrari for that.

Vincent van Gogh: i just realized, putting JUST your art on an Instagram page is BORING AS DIRT...

The Wherehouse: your first exposure to music...

Xoe: and your first exposure to a green-haired girl named Xoe who exposed herself to you behind the counter.

Jen R: i'm your dad in female form...

Boomer Esiason: i mean i'm going into the Bengals Hall of Fame and they greet me at the door with a Fun Pack mini-box of Frosted Flakes cereal.

dad: Esiason back...

Boomer: not now, dude.

dad: that's dad.

Goku: we most stop fighting.

Vegeta: but Saiyans RELISH fighting.

Goku: no i mean we must stop arguing...

Brooke Trantor: improve your improv.

Suzy Lu: anybody can be a YouTuber. but you really do need to be hot or it won't go anywhere...

Pippi Longstocking: in Sweden in 2025 parents still let their 8-year-old children out to play. there are no abductions in Sweden, everyone lives on their own grassy hill. how do you think i had all those adventures when i was a kid?!!!

Gavin Newsom: i'm not just here to make some news...

Brett Somers: i was in the very first wig-pulling bitch fight on Jerry Springer with Betty White...

Midwall: REALLY needed this for the Titans...

Jules Smith: listen with me. the wind is starting to rustle at night. we've crossed the midnight threshold. we've had our first Black Moon, which is the second moon we need. the Earthmother is starting to listen to her children, to her lowly souls, the world is starting to cool. a large batch of cold air is coalescing at the poles and is about to be sent on a wave to our village via the moon. the cold is INSIDE the moon!!! LOOK UP!!!

me: that's nice, that'll quench the restless natives. i love how your council table is a roundtable.

Jules: a longtable is too corporate. a roundtable is equal and Arthurian. King Arthur was the first women's-libber.

me: the council members approacheth!!! gird your loins with a Monty Python chastity belt!!! 

Jules lays out one donut at each place by each of the 13 chairs of the council table.

me: i'll lay out if you want, i don't need a chair.

Jules: poppycock!!! i'll protect you from farm demons. it's impossible to be angry when you have a donut in front of you. now remember to place a drop of Tabasco sauce on Mr. Farthington's donut, he likes that sweet heat.

CUTTING YOUR HUSBAND'S BEARD: MY BED IS MY JOB

 

me: why can't life just be me in my bed?

Melissa Maker: with crusted cum?

me: me and all the women i've ever known in my life in my bed.

Melissa: i don't stand corrected.

me: i'm lying down, too. 

Melissa: you wish.

Jen R: if you love someone, let them sleep.

craft service: food craft...

General God: it's about the size of a 1-cent stamp...

Bo Jackson: Bo Know. but did anyone ever bother to make the time to Know Bo?

Rose from The Golden Girls: did you know we were part of Jiggle TV?...

Reccoa: kiss me.

Char Aznable: ...

Reccoa: WITH your sunglasses on.

Reccoa later in her room by herself: i mean DAMN, finally i kiss the unicorn hunk, what was he waiting for? my older-woman wiles don't work on blonds? i don't have time for this shit, we're both older people...

Doan's: it'll still make you sneeze...

Melissa Maker: I REFUSE TO WEAR THE SAME SHIRT TWICE!!! i have a thing with shirts and washing machines...

me: does this machine wash silk pillowcases?

Melissa: but of course, mon frere. shit, i'm supposed to be making your bed LESS appealing.

me: i'll let it go this time because Blissy is so fun to say.

grasshopper stridulation: ASMR...

Jen R: using a toaster as a mirror, now that's old-skool...

Barrie Youngfellow: i married the grocery-gameshow guy.

Sam Snead the golfer: Supermarket Sweep!!! the little woman and i watch every night!!! we can't get into Jeopardy, Alex Trebek's mustache made me sneeze when i went for that 3-foot putt...

"Whom Shall I Send?" song.

I'm the Lord of sea and sky

I have made my people cry...

Lindy Lenz on youtube: i think that song is called "Here I Am, Lord..."

Sarah: stuff in the refrigerator LASTS ONE DAY...

Pati Jinich: BROWN AVOCADOS, not green avocados, those are the ripe avocados. want me to blow your mind at my backyard barbacoa barbecue? you don't need a sunhat in Connecticut. okay i'll give you another one: spaghetti with avocado ain't a Mediterranean dish, it's a Mexican dish!!! in fact it's an Ancient Aztec dish, vato.

Xoxo: the only woman who gets to call me vato is God. leave that rack of unspiced tri-tip in my backpocket and i'll one-up you with this: every pipe in Mexico is an ocarina...

Kurt Cobain: the Seattle Mariners uniforms should be powder-blue...

Olmec: we tamed the Mortal Kombat symbols for Legends of the Hidden Temple...

Mrs. Talbot: i played the wedding organ on the Three's Company series finale...

Jack Tripper: the '80s were the last decade men wore pajamas...

dad wearing pajamas: ...

Larry: and the FIRST decade men cried on camera and admitted they had "feelings" when their best friends left with Vicky.

Vicky: the new "going away for the weekend" in the '70s is "living together" in the '80s...

woman on Match Game '75: you're mesmerized by my long hippie hair and paisley silk shirt. husband, 2 kids, homemaker, yada yada yada. i'm studying theology at San Diego State...

Tremfya: a diner inside a gas station?...

tennis: bring back badminton!!! not pickleball. let there be badminton clubs dotting up all across the American landscape...

Love Story alternate title: Racquetball and Atheism.

i fly up from my bed and scurry around the sky interrupting the clear blue.

me: but you see how i'm flying? the tip of my long flowing beard is like the apex of a plane, this apex is swinging me up down all around from that highest point. it's a very uncomfortable way to fly.

Melissa Maker: your cheekbones must hurt like the motherfucking dickens. and there's no peanuts. well that's a neat trick and all but you still land in your bed in the end so what's the point?

me: exactly.

Melissa: well i'm off.

me: you've never once gotten off during our marriage. where're you going?

Melissa: to my job. i'm a wife, not a miracle worker...