CUNNING FOLK: TELLING YOUR SOULMATE YOUR PROBLEMS

 

Jen R: just woke up. haven't washed my face or anything.

me: GUH you're cute.

David Duchovny: i have a small Richard Gere head.

Doctor Manhattan: when i look at my reflection, i see Iceman...

The Major from Ghost In The Shell: you tell me quiet, piggy? really? you pathetic president. are you even a NIN fan like the rest of us from the future?

Double Indemnity.

femme: i was the first fatale!!!

Fred MacMurray: you're a doll.

Barbara Stanwyck: FAO Schwarz?

Keyes: he died of a broken heart uh neck.

boss: Keyes, why are you wearing a vest and nothing else?

Trump: my office is the whole world...

Walter, pointing; THAT WOMAN IN THE BLACK VEIL, I FUCKED HER!!!

husband: i went out to the balcony of the observation caboose in a leg cast as a tribute to the skier Spalding Gray.

Michael Jackson: my name now is Prince...

Keyes: these are Stanford football plays, you wouldn't understand, Mr. Norton.

Kurt Cobain: suicide by steamboat? at Disneyland?

Keyes: got any bicarbonate copies of the policy? duplicates which requires triplicate signatures? i gotta stop eating hunks of concrete. wait a minute, i really could play Fred Flintstone...

Phyllis: i'm afraid i'm afraid, get me? all we have to do is lay low. but i gotta fuck you.

Walter: so i took Lola to La Fiesta restaurant. this was crazy but the only way to keep an eye on her was too have Lola live with me.........i really wasn't planning on this threesome at the start of this...

Mr. Jackson: he looked like Mr. Neff here, had that face of a lucky bastard who was munching on Hollywood gold. 

Mr. Jackson: osteopath means hooker. have you ever met a man who was SO HAPPY to go to court?!!!

NO DOGS, NO APRICOTS.

Mister Rogers: murder is like a trolley?

Walter: why'd you betray me, baby?

Phyllis: i'm a bad seed. i'm one of those supermodels who's messed up in the head.

Walter: i was gonna shoot you, but...

Phyllis: i didn't fire the second shot because i discovered love for the first time.

Walter: why shoot you? you're hot, it'd be a waste.

Keyes: the border? OH, so that's why you like that La Fiesta restaurant so much, you're a fan of Mexican food.

Keyes: you were like a son to me, Neff. can i call you Walt this one time?

Walter Neff: i'm too tired to cry.

Jen R: tomorrow will be a better day.

Lars von Trier: unlike my hero Ingmar Bergman, my films are a little bit more.........disgusting. Ingmar kept it classy.

lust: it's just passion...

Jen R: in the '70s, you didn't have a husband or wife or partner, you had a lover, that was hot.

Brett: smoking a cigarette.

Match Game 75: ...

CNR: i don't use CLR, i call a plumber...

November: around the time those annoying little pine needles start appearing in your kitchen, bed, coffee...

Match Game: all the women were expecting...

Jeff Buckley: there's just something about being barechested when you take that photo with your mother...

we're at the mall.

Jen R: i read your mind!!!

me: only you can probe my mind deeper than i can.

Jen: imagine FAO Schwarz in Hawaii.

me: where are we?

Jen: the mall. i got you the PERFECT Christmas gift.

me: OMG it's the Red Shoe Diaries complete-series box set!!! how'd you know?

Jen: do you know how hard it was to find that? you can't find that on Amazon. it's only available at a RadioShack in Downtown Oakland in the '90s.

CUNNING FOLK: FUNERAL INVITATIONS

Kurt Cobain is busy writing out his own funeral invitations. when he shows them to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, they are not amused.

Kurt Cobain: but it's funny, right? i mean it's something i would do.

Dave Grohl: yeah, now that i think about it, i picture in my mind YOU doing it, it's pretty hilarious. that is so you, so something you would do.

Krist Novoselic: the way the writing is all crazy on the margins and haphazard and squiggly lines and uncrossed Ts and undotted Is, scribbling down the page to a pool of nonsense words at the bottom, that is so you, Kurt!!!

Kurt: yeah i mean i gave you guys directions to the church i want, the funeral parlor i want, both must be purple rooms. it's all in fun, you know? funerals are fun, why does it all have to be so sad? so morose. let's make it a party. i'll be there at the front door greeting everyone who attends, shaking their hand.

smoke: HOW MANY TIMES has smoke cleared on Dragon Ball?...

Double Indemnity.

Kate Smith: because it shows you how to commit the perfect crime...

Fred MacMurray: no i'm not the guy in that black-and-white Cheerios commercial. Bosco chocolate milk? i was in that sitcom with the family dog Marmaduke... 

Barbara Stanwyck: i was an unattainable beauty. with a face that made Venus weep. but the sunglasses make me look goofy.

Woody Allen: why don't people like movies the way i do?...

all in: that's why you're so tired.

rheumatism: not really a thing after like 1949...

Ms. Krause: WHOA that's the Berkeley Library!!!

Fred: i may be drunk, i'm speaking into a macaroni.

Glendale: the finest ice cream trucks in the county!!!

Jen R: look at that GIRL swinging a baseball bat!!! that's unheard of in the '30s!!!

Barbara: just sunbathing with Bert.

red goldfish: crackers in the fishbowl.

Fred: you know, Bruce Springsteen?

Barbara wearing a honeysuckle anklet: you'll see in the trailer...

Barbara: you like waitress salad, Mr. Neff?

shadow of a revolver at the back of the car...

Edward G. Robinson: and i'm already a little man...

EGR: we're selling policies to bums like that guy from the band Live who let everyone down.

Jen R: remember when dames would call fellas "fresh" for coming on too strong? sigh.

Trump: remember, $50,000 in 1940 was like a million dollars today...

Jenna Jameson: straight between the eyes.........not cum...

Fred: so i rolled a few lines at the bowling alley. of cocaine. Johnny Rockets soothes my soul. my apartment's top floor is a garage... 

Barbara: my husband's out putting Tato Skins in the new well.

oughtn't: a tough word to say in noir rapid-fire.

Jen R: that precious moment after you've both declared your love for one another when you're aimlessly walking around the kitchen in a daze looking for wine glasses...

Tehachapi: Native American for "Tajin does not taste good."

Barbara: i just happened to be his wife's nurse...

David Stern: and now, to crook the house, the NBA has see-through gambling tables or something?...

Chinese checkers: in the '80s when you weren't good at Nok Hockey or Carom...

California hat: sunhat.

Stanford: we were BIG in the '40s...

James Dean: imagine me USC premed...

flounces: a jump at UCLA '80s summer drama camp.

Detective Conan: tiny little beige cards in the doorbell, who knew?!!!

Fred: i walked from my apartment to the Dietrichson house. it was 3000 miles but whatever.

observation berth: this train looks like Palm Springs!!!

Ford Model A engine: just needs a little warming up...

drugstore: where everybody went to eat.

Kurt gets up on the church stage and delivers his own eulogy.

Kurt Cobain: i know what you're all thinking. you and i started thinking the same thing about a week ago. you've noticed Elizabeth Banks before. but the way she is SO FUCKING HOT on Press Your Luck has blown all of our minds.

Melissa Maker: can you be just an OnlyFans foot model?...

Pitbull: i made John Travolta bald. Bruce Willis encouraged me...

Bruce Willis: i'm fine. turns out the afterlife is not big on hair.

John Travolta: i always wanted to play Moe from The Three Stooges.

Quentin Tarantino: internet funding isn't a thing anymore so to save money: me as Larry, no Shemp.

work email: how you get her home phone number...

Holt Hanley: nuisance rain is nuanced rain...

Chris Walken's would-be wife in The Dead Zone: when i made love to Chris Walken while married to that other man, those were scenes of GRACE.

light rain: it's a blessing.

Stephen King: i became a bestselling author as revenge when they didn't cast me in Clayface...

Eddie Murphy: so i was all ready for my first threesome with Yul Brynner and Kathy Lee, but i got stuck in Mister Robinson's Neighborhood!!! between two beige cardboard blocks. i was hoping since he was The King and I he'd send over one of those LONG SKINNY scaly dragonboats to fish me out of the projects sewer.

Kurt Cobain as he's shaking Jason Wade's hand by the entrance: i'm falling even more in love with you.

Jason Wade shaking Kurt's hand: thank you sir. hanging by a moment, i get it. you have a dark sense of humor, sir.

Kurt: please, call me Kurt. you know i just realized!!! people always ask me what is the Gen Z version of the Gen X band Nirvana? it's Lifehouse!!! how'd you come by that name anyway?

Jason: it's a Soundgarden-type name. 

Kurt: you got the blond hair and growly grunge voice and everything. you know for the longest time i was the ONLY man who had long blond locks of hair, it was weird. 

Jason: are funerals about death?

Kurt: no, they're about love.

 

LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: NO MORE STARS!!!

 

Linda ditches her "date" to the planetarium Larry for a real man.

Linda: okay, i've cornered my real man, a man who can REALLY explain things. so, what do you have to say for yourself?

Sartre: that's a nice gold telescope?

Linda: don't you see how painfully unfair this all is? how eternally morose? the more i look into this telescope...

Sartre: ...the more your eyes widen? the more wonder enters your heart?

Linda: no, you said it yourself: the universe is meaningless. it's CRUEL at this point to introduce more stars into it. for the love of God, DO NOT BIRTH ANY MORE STARS INTO THIS MESS OF A MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE!!!

Fuerza: God is a woman you know. makes more sense: the warmth, the grace, the sumptuousness, birthing the universe...

Linda needs some hope after that existential outburst.

Linda: playing detective always makes me feel good at 4PM. 

she travels to Above the Top where the It's a Living girls immediately fit her into a sexy topheavy black-and-white waitress dress.

cocktail dress: see that's the thing, it was meant to HAVE cocktails in, not serve them...

Linda: where's Cassie? just kidding. where's that little number? both meanings. you guys gotta stop this.

Nancy and Howard's son Lorimar: whatever do you mean?

Linda: YOUR lettuce got stuck in OUR drainpipe!!!

Lorimar: there's a perfectly reasonable explanation to all this. as you know, our waitresses go CRAZY with the salad. and our two shows are connected in this sorta mystical way...

Mr. Roper: ow ow ow ow OW.

Mrs. Roper: it's a hairline fracture, Stanley.

Stanley Roper: oh i get it, the hairline went from my head to my foot!!!

Helen Roper: did you really leave me for Joy Behar, Stanley?

Stanley: no i didn't, Helen!!! that's the cocoa talking!!!

Ira: it's just weird that Ira is a man's name...

Target: where's that Target that's on top of a snow mountain? Colorado?

PG&E: Carrington Event, we got it covered...

Pope Bob: the Red Shoes Diaries movie, Minority Report, Mary Poppins, and that one with James Gandolfini playing Henry VIII...

gallant: pronounced ga-LONT, not gal-ant.

magic: anything that is NOT AI...

food: it's gotta cut through...

Super Mario: do my men and me get hazard pay for picking up the trash and recycling during an atmospheric river?...

parent: do i still have friends?...

Trent Reznor wearing a Baltimore Orioles cap as a tram tour-guide: New Orleans is known for trompe l'oeil. 

Jen R: he always was known for his clear skin...

Trent: because i'm worth it. conductor, get it?

Gene Rayburn with a Bartesian: hosting is what i do...

Ginger: think about me, i'm a black woman with red hair, i encompass all that is noble about humanity, i am real, i am the true Earth Mother. i am Mama Earth.

Amy: people forget how i was kind of this crazy scamp on Wings, like a mechanic with her screw loose who was destined to play first violin, not second fiddle...

Amy: with really no emphasis on my Texas accent...

Michael Che: black don't crack.

Ginger: except for you, dear. it's not your fault, baby, Dwight Gooden was your father, right? in the '80s in order to get noticed you had to date a baseball player...

Linda is having a reckoning.

Linda: i wish i could have lasted longer. as does everyone. if only there was a way to live forever...

she has an idea.

Linda: wait a minute, i get it now, I was those two women: the lovelorn fat woman and the thrown-away old woman. yes, see, those women were ME as i got older. i became unloved and turned fat. then the fatness gave way to oldness.   

Jack Tripper: all this because you didn't marry me? 

Linda: if only i'd taken that flight...

Linda: all i have to do is go back and be young again.........manipulate the mailbox downstairs by the outdoor stairs so i buy the apartment from Eleanor.........and marry Larry?...

LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: SELF-HAIRCUT

Mr. Roper: my toes are tingling.

Helen: your foot's broke, Stanley.

Mr. Roper: don't say that to me, Helen!!! can't you see i'm a man in pain? 

Larry: hey no problem, R, just dip that foot in some bath salts.........actually using bath salts for what they were intended for...

Linda: PERVERT!!!

Jack Tripper: what?

Linda: how do you explain THIS telescope?!!!

Jack: i don't peep. that's Larry's telescope, it was a misdelivery. Larry is the freak, not me.

Larry: i actually am into astronomy, nobody cares that's why it's never in the script.

Linda: so Jack, about the kitchen sink.

Jack: throw everything at your problems, Linda, that's a good girl.

Linda: no i saw pieces of lettuce swimming around the two whirlpools of dirty water in there.

Jack: that's disgusting, woman. that's gnarly. wilted lettuce? limp lettuce?

Linda: i have an idea where it's coming from...

Jack: i don't have time to argue with you this morning, Linda, i have a very important thing to do.

Linda: ...

Jack: not THAT!!! i have to give myself a self-haircut in the bathroom.

Linda: so that's what our psychedelic bathroom is used for. but Jack, it's impossible, you'll see. you can shave off the front yourself but it's IMPOSSIBLE to cut the back of your head of hair.

Jack: would you hold the hand mirror at my back while i do it?

Linda: you're missing the point. people need people.

Mr. Furley: anybody need a little scissors?...

Toonzone: not many of our members have cars...

The Rite.

Ingmar Bergman at Rite Aid drinking a Diet Rite wearing Stride Rites: it should have been called Rite.

Ingmar Bergman: right?

Sartre: no.

Igor Stravinsky: maybe.

Aaron Copland: The Rite of Spring was decent...

Ascona: where Roger Federer plays pickleball.

Roger Federer: and where i brush my teeth...

Corinthians: you can't have love without perseverance. what the FUCK does Congress do?!!!...

judge: a private showing of a forbidden act? i don't know about this.

ritual: it doesn't have to be a killing. a wedding is a ritual, too.

robe + cowl: maybe you'll get lucky? maybe they'll actually be Roman Catholic monks and not a cult?...

Thea: thank you for the lovely flowers. they died. but it's the thought that counts. it's just some light brain-cancer medication i'm taking.

intercession: but all those suicides. and Jack Cassidy...

judge: what's in the bag?

Thea: that's a drum.

Mike Tyson wearing a mask: don't worry, it's just my speedbag filled with wine.

Roman Catholic wedding: you forgot about this but everyone in the congregation drank ritual wine that day.

judge: the case to be a lawyer was imposed on me when i was a boy, get it?

freedom: it's ghastly.

Ingmar Bergman: i promised myself i wouldn't use the word "absurd" in this script...

Spock: you're lucky i slapped your face with my hand and not my 2-foot wood cock.

judge: cruelty is lust, a boring lust.

judge: my last name is Hell but i'm not going to Hell, right?.........right?...

judge: i didn't die of a heart attack or a knife stab. i died by ritual tits!!!

Ingmar Bergman: i had the perfect lived-artist life. i was Van Gogh with the happy ending.

cassette tape: thrown out a car window, does a little spin on the asphalt...

Bartesian: because the best thing you can do as a human being is host a party...

Brooke Trantor: no Quincy isn't a new show on CBS with Jack Klugman as a reluctant detective who never leaves his apartment...

me: let's spoon. spooning helps with the hibernation.

Jen R: hey, you don't have to spoon heroin just because you're spooning.

Troy Polamalu: it's nice the Head & Shoulders people let me keep my grey hair...

OmegaXL: your heel pain is healed. your joint pain is gone. now you'll still have to sit in a porch rocking-chair...

health care: self-care...

pizza with milk: ...

Kevin from Home Alone: no the pizza dough is made with milk...

Peter Hook: you know how Quincy Jones produced every song that was ever made? so yeah i did "Hook" by Blues Traveler. i wrote the lyrics in that middle part...

there's a knock at the door.

Linda: oh yeah, you're that fat woman Jack had trouble with.

fat lady: au contraire, Jack was a gallant gentleman with me.

Linda, smiling spacedly: yeah, Jack is nice like that. frankly my dear i don't give a damn. no not you, that blonde bitch Southern belle. 

fat lady: the greatest thing a handsome dashing man like Jack can do for a fat chick like me is LIE GRACIOUSLY. that lie comes out of kindness. kindness is something you won't see in the universe through that telescope.

Linda: you touched me here today. do you want to have dinner with me? crack open a bottle of chilled Roscato wine between the two of us? have a San Diego spaghetti on tiny plates on our tiny table by the television set here?

fat woman: extra clams please. my clam will never be slurped. but that's okay. i met Jack Tripper for one day.

fat woman, crying: the greatest thing a family can say to a member of that family is they loved them. they stuck around for them. it's a lie. it's the big lie all families tell each other.  

Linda: damn, woman, you got my eyes misting and i don't have fern allergies. it's getting all Wicked For Good in the apartment.

Jeff Goldblum: i'm 80 and have a 10-year-old son?...