JONNY & LUCY: PROTECTING PBS ROWDILY

 

at Tiny Desk Concert at PBS, Jen R is trying to make up for it.

Jen R: and make up for lost time.

she takes a guitar of OLD wood from her back buttpocket and begins strumming.

Paula Kerger: what a specimen!!!

Jen: thank you. my guitar's nice too. we both have nice asses.

Paula: i recognize that red oak from my girl days as a triangle-player. my long-haired parents took me to Woodstock but i slept in the van. this is the ORIGINAL Woodstock, folks, not that MTV shit.

Paula Kerger: so before you start why don't you tell the radio audience something unknown about yourself, something unexpected that would make them go to the bathroom in excitement.

Jen R: well, Paula, i only eat 7-Eleven food. yeah. my diet is strictly french fries and Slurpees. 

Jen plugs her acoustic guitar into her cute little pink ORIGINAL Teen Titans amp and starts WAILING. she sweeps ALL the chords, all the guitar notes, and finishes with a flourish, she SLAMS the guitar on top of the hallowed Desk smashing it in a thousand shards. Paula saves the big mic at the last second tho with her keen eye and dexterity.

Paula: better concert than the Guns N Roses Riverport Riot. did the audience get all that? did you guys hear all that? this station has a reputation for mumbling...

potatoes: fills you up like peanut butter.

Mocha Mix: i change coffee. i make coffee light. i allow coffee to forget about its self...

Liam Neeson: i coulda played Fezzik. you suddenly get taller with a shillelagh in your hand...

brownies: better without the fudge.

turndown service: is that an orange mint or an alien receiver on the bed?...

Bob Ross: if i had stopped painting those goddamn clouds, there would have been no rain. no rain means my perm goes limp...

Jonny: you did us dirty, Jaleel.

Jaleel White: how so, my man.

Jonny: Fast Flips, you read the question SLOW to pause to laugh at an answer. ate up a bunch of clock.

Jaleel: that's on me, blond holmes, i'll make it up to everybody. you know your lady has that Sade vibe to her. it's in the lips, it's in the eyes, it's in the HAIR!!!

Lucy: aw that's sweet. and i do like your lips. but it ain't happening, chester. no chance. Urkel was not my favorite character.

Jaleel: what?!!! how can that be?!!! who could possibly be your favorite Family Matters character other than Urkel?

Lucy: the mother.

DVD: remember when you and your friends would sit down on a brown sofa and listen to the Director's Commentary track of a movie?...

Brooke Trantor: it's Mad Max out there. but it can still be My Dinner with Andre in here...

Kurt Cobain: Big Dumper was the name of the band before Nirvana. right before our first show...

Axl Rose: the reason i always wear shorts is i was living in Southern California...

Krillin: just chillin. but not like a villain.

Android 18: ...

Krillin: sorry, my wife...

Joe Pera: Polar Cubes for my boys...

Hallmark Channel: last year's Hallmark Experience was sparsely attended. nobody knows why. probably because it was in Colorado.

caterpillars: there was no work for us, you used CGI butterflies...

Dr. Robbins: you don't need therapy. you need Instagram memes...

Chloe Annett in Kiss Me Kate: oh no, i was Princess Leia, i am not going back to being a Bond Girl...

Jaleel White: listen Paula, we're all in this together, we're not gonna let Trump dissolve PBS.

Paula Kerger: aw that's sweet, whoever you are.

Jaleel: turn around and face the camera...

Paula: it's a good thing, too, the next PSA public service announcement i was gonna film was me saying how the Senate had in fact ended PBS and Leslie Sbrocco's tits were out of a job.

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits can never be finalized.

Jaleel: you can use the Flip Side studios to film ALL the PBS shows FOREVER!!! just be sure come Christmas you tell Ken Burns to get me some of that vintage North tobacco from the Civil War so i can send it to my neighbor.

Ken Burns: the stuff the soldiers put in their gums? i would but Fred Rogers would not approve.

Mr. Rogers: guns are bad, but if you don't save your gums, you have no noble society. 

JONNY & LUCY: TIC TAC-STOCK

 

Jen R flies through the window in a Superman pose, her fingers in two clasped triangles poke Lucy in the nose on her way in.

Jen: Jonny is MINE, bitch. i'm the crazy friend.

Jonny: not cool, dude.

Jen: she's disfigured now.

Lucy: no i'm not, it's just a little tender.

Jonny: besides, it's not her looks which drew me to Lucy like a magnet.

Jen: huh? but you're a guy.

Jonny: it's something else, something mysterious...

Lucy: wait how the fuck can you FLY?!!!

Jen: witch powder. i snort it like people snorted Tang in the '80s.

Gladyce: remember us?

Doryce: Jen stole it from under my left tit while i was sleeping. Glad let it slide with her broom because Jen gives crazy women like us a bad name.

Coldplay: not cosplay. come on, we gotta be cooler than cosplay!!!

Malice.

Tobin Bell: i can't smile right. that's my mother's hair. she's not alive anymore. she became Batwoman. my landlady's putting me in a tight spot. my landlady is my mother.

Bill Pullman: that second and a half was the happiest moment of my life.

Bebe Neuwirth in a THICK Boston accent: come on, professor, i'm sure you fuck better than that. give yourself credit, extra credit.

Horshack: here's my card. i've saved a window-ledge jumper or two...

Jen R: "reamed," that was a word ONLY heard in the '90s...

Nicole Kidman: my favorite Boston Celtic is Jimmy Fallon.

Peter Gallagher: what the hell happened to your face?

Bill: serial-rapist sidestory, no idea why we had to do that.

mother: Gordon Ramsay is a handsome hunk of a man, but i threw him out when he brought English scotch. there is only Scottish scotch. i haven't had single-malt scotch since '69 when i was Anne Bancroft and my husband was Frank Sinatra...

Anne: pick a card.

Bill: these are fig newtons.

Jen: you can buy a nice tub of Dubble Bubble with $200.

Anne Bancroft: and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you earn an Oscar for guest role!!!

Bill: may i speak with your manager?

slacker: bro i'm Spike Jonze.

Jen: those '90s movies with the twist, everyone had to keep it a secret on the drive home in the rain, not tell anybody in their house...

Bill: wait, the Munsters house?

Robert De Niro: that's Cape Fear...

Jim Cantore: that's a LOT of rain.

Degas: creepy crepe Leave It to Beaver housewife face?...

Bill: i feel so small right now. can i just live under the stairs here?

Ms. Krause: whom.

Tom Cruise: wait, this is the exact Days of Thunder sex scene banging Nic against the door...

Jen: nylon foot rubbing up against the leg wearing a loafer and argyle sock, always does the trick. it's very dog.

10-year-old boy: yeah but the thing is i don't remember stuff. only my John McEnroe tennis cards.

Bill: i want Bob Costas to play for the Red Sox.

calling it before i see it: Bebe Neuwirth is in the boy's room with a smile and a pair of cuffs she dangles in Nic's face.

Nic: STAY BACK!!! this CPR dummy is a lethal weapon!!! let me give you a last hug while we're on the floor/ground here, we were married once you know...

Nic: they make those blind canes for kids?

Bebe: so we're a couple now?

Bill: yeah. wear that Nurse Ratched nurse-hat at all times.

Brian Griffin emerges from his time machine having come from the '80s.

Brian Griffin: greetings from the distant past!!! i looked cooler than this but my purple Back to the Future yellow-Venetian-blinds sunglasses got stolen by the me that became a maid. i hear a young lady around here is in need of a back realignment?

Jonny: oh brother.

Lucy: yeah my back is killing me after that marathon fucking.

Brian: do tell. me more. enchante.

Lucy: is there medicine after sex?

Brian: Doan's. everyone forgets about Doan's. Doan's cured all backs in the '80s. and then afterwards you'd treat your father to a Filet-O-Fish at McDonald's. Doan's and Filet-O-Fish kept the doctor away. 

Tom Hanks: maybe Tom Hanks was there dipping some Chicken McNuggets in some amber sauce.

Brian: small request?

Jonny: shoot. i go with the flow. i fop with the breeze.

Brian: that's easy to do when you got Lucy. not everybody has a Lucy. my tail is killing me. i've never actually taken Doan's, i don't know how it tastes, can i?...

Jen: it tastes like Vanquish...

Barbarino: i wear the johnny hospital gown...

My So-Called Life: even the DAD wore plaid...

Dupuytren's contracture: the best option is surgery.

Gargamel: wish somebody would have told me that in Medieval times. i used black magic. now my fingers are two permanent balls of cat yarn for Azrael to play with. i had the fastest fingers since Merlin...

Azrael the cat: now your fingers are meow.

Raul De Molina: i'm taking the WHOLE fucking summer off. i don't give two shits about the show. dos cabrón. El Gordo y La Flaca is a circus of clown questions, bro. my own priest calls me vato. confession: i'm Spanish but my priest isn't Catholic. my own mother calls me a fatty.

Safeway: a hive of scum and villainy. and covid.

me: are you spacey or do you hate me?

Jen R: i don't know...

Peter, Paul and Mary: America's babysitter...

folk music: ends wars.

John Strong: i took a redeye from Mexico to Switzerland, this soccer shit never ends. i ate the last Choco Taco on the plane...

Tom Amandes: if i wasn't an actor, i'd be a creep, and you're jealous of that.

Amadeus: ...

Maiara Walsh: i lead a normal life. i am literally unobtainable but i lead a normal life, as seen through my Instagram. everyone witnesses their life's purpose through the serrated jungle palms of Rio, Brazil. don't let that scare you out of pursuing a plan, no peyote required.

porn: it's cheating. it's the reward without doing the work. it's sex without the years of long walks getting to know the person. years of paying for zoo trips to see that walrus she can't get enough of, the walrus she's enamored with.

Jen R: okay okay i'm sorry, i'm really not like that, i'm calm and fun. i must have taken some stuff. must have been all that witch powder i snorted. let me make it up to you guys.

Lucy: i like music.

Jonny: that's a clue.

Jen: you do? of course you do. great!!! i just so happen to have these tickets i pocketed to the concert later this afternoon when it's gonna be 100 degrees!!! yeah, won a concert off some Tic Tacs i was sucking. Tic Tacs concert contest, just peel the label. i go through twenty plastic boxes of Tic Tacs a day. my dentist says it's not technically candy, they're a dental tool.

Brian, reading: Queens of the Stone Age? studious sigh.

Jen: why you gotta be so literary? 

Brian: it's just, Queen okay, Queensryche even danker. Queens of the Stone Age are.........just above bad.

Anthony Bourdain: tell me about it. and you don't have to listen to the songs Josh Homme considers BAD in my garage!!!... 

JONNY & LUCY: KIRKLAND CAR

 

Jaleel White: okay next question in our Fast Flips Round, which is the whinier music: that '80s Rambo NES video game, or anything by Guns N Roses?

Lucy: think about this one, honey. think about our wedding song.

Jonny: right. you said "November Rain" was so played-out. 

Lucy: and you said Rambo was your favorite Nintendo game. you said it reminded you of being at a WWI ballroom dancing with a gas mask on. even though Rambo is the Vietnam war.

Jaleel: you know you two as a couple have really won everyone here in the Flip Side audience over. you've won the country over, which is impossible in 2024. you've won the world over. really we're all just jealous of your love. you two have an energy, a vibe, this easy aura, that the rest of us will seek fruitlessly to find in our own lives till our dying day. how'd you two meet?

Lucy: Jonny reminded me of Craig from Kiss Me Kate...

Jonny: yeah. and we had a friend in our past who went crazy. but nobody wants to hear about that. nobody asked for that. don't want to dampen the love buzz.

Jaleel: hey Lucy, look at my lips. whenever a contestant gives a risque or ribald answer, i start moistening my lips like this, you like that?

Lucy: i mean it's just what Shaq does with his lips, right?

Jaleel: damn girl you tough.

Rublev at the mic at the presser shortly after his loss to Alcaraz: yeah but do you guys know about diarrhea? huh? DO YOU KNOW WHAT DIARRHEA IS!!!

Malice.

Aaron Sorkin: i write erotic thrillers?...

Aaron Sorkin: i can't write a steamy sex scene between Nicole Kidman and Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise would kill me!!! Tom Cruise calls me on the telephone in the middle of the night when i'm praying by my bed. i dread 1 AM every night...

Alec Baldwin: it's okay, I am God, that's the same as Scientology, right?

Witches of Eastwick lawns...

Bebe Neuwirth: simple solution: ban all frats, make society a happy place again.

Alec: one of those tiny cantaloupe scoops...

Nicole Kidman: don't put a plastic bag over your head!!! i'm gonna speak to Jerry Brown about this.

Peter Gallagher: Nic is a modern '90s woman, she has a husband and a boyfriend. 

Martin Yan: and you thought Chinese food wasn't sexy.

Nicole Kidman: not a butt double...

peeping-tom boy: don't mind me watching your wife's naked butt, i'm lonely and trying to invent Vaporwave in my bedroom.

Bill Pullman: i'm supposed to be Armenian? the quarterback gave me a swirlie. our quarterback was Catherine Tate.

student Gwyneth Paltrow: i can't control the world. but i have found love on campus. my alarm clock plays Coldplay "Clocks"...

Bayer aspirin: for abdominal pain. torsed is fun to say.

Alec: i'm impervious to naked women. but not to bottles of apple cider.

computer: flying-toasters screensaver, toasters with angel wings, the '90s were innocent, not like the AI we have now.

Little Mermaid in the fishbowl.

Jen R: remember moccasins at St. Cyril's?

Alec at the Boston bar: this isn't a macabre conversation, this is just that Twilight Zone episode...

Massachusetts college town: so it's supposed to be Harvard For Women, right? not Radcliffe?...

frozen section: a medical procedure. also where the pizzas are kept at Safeway.

Alec: why am i watching Turbo Teen?...

Alec: i get it, church raffles give out those cool television sets with the wood paneling.

Bill: Mrs. Worthington, got any pancake syrup for the power outage?...

J Monday: a British tennis player. and Bond good guy.

4h of July at Costco: not as busy as Christmas at Costco, because nobody's around during summer...

Texas: the hub of cricket...

Japanese hot-dog eaters: we made this sport cool. what happened?...

dog days of summer: no longer the hot-dog days of summer...

stability: greater than greatness.

Uneven Edge: we're used to arrogant One Piece villains who go on forever, we watch a lot of Nitro Wrestling...

Videl: my shirt says FIGHT, not TIGHT.

Marco Rubio: i cheated...

Rachel Maddow: learn from me how to be a happy hermit...

Uranus and Neptune from Sailor Moon S: we're lesbians who go to church...

Adidas: providing the marijuana for the grassheads at Wimbledon.

Chemical Brothers "Galvanize": the official song of the Club World Cup...

Admiral Piett: it's not fair, the air in the Death Star was clean...

Sonay Kartal: being a bodybuilder has its advantages when you're trying to serve a tennis ball. you see why i do two sports? my boyfriend is the World's Strongest Man, he lives in Crete by a stone medicine ball. my husband is Karnov...

F1: all the drivers are 12 years old...

Jules Smith: apart from Tom Holland, i enjoy all Brits. i hate that little shit Spider-Man.

Everwood: the 2000s Wonder Years.

soccer: NOBODY wants Extra Time...

Jonny and Lucy are at home at the house after pocketing their prize money.

Lucy: let's celebrate in the bedroom with dried-flake potatoes and no condoms.

Jonny: but i thought you said we didn't want to have kids?

Lucy: life is too short to be alone. fuck me like a pincushion.

the fucking goes on for a long time in that bed.

Jonny: by my count you've bounced on my dick 50 times now. 

Lucy: isn't it hotter when the woman has LONG hair that flips up and down with the thrusting and thrashing?

Jonny: it takes two years for a woman to grow out hair long, right?

Lucy: this is why i liked you on our second date, you notice things.

Jonny: do you always leave the window open like that when we're fucking?

Lucy: just to let the air in. fresh air. it starts to get musty in here from the love juice.

a woman in a parked car at their lawn sidewalk is peeping-tomming through the large open bay window at the couple. she burns rubber speeding off after she looks at them looking at her.

Lucy: damn, that woman caught glimpse of my naked butt!!! hope she liked the view.

Jonny: we all know who that was. and by all i mean the two of us.

Lucy: yeah it had to be her, that was a Kirkland car.

Jonny: Kirkland makes cars, too? at Costco?

 

MACY'S IN THE '80s: GHOSTING IS SO LAME

 

me: i'm scared to go into Macy's again.

Jen R: i'll hold your hand.

me: forever?

Jen: through it.

me: this is the most important purchase of my life.

Jen: now wait, remember, i'm a simple girl, no gaudy jewelry unless it's antique kitsch, no baubles unless they're Liza's, no rings.

me: are there rings other than diamond rings?...

Videl from behind the counter: i was the woman who got you to respect women. i went up against a man in a BRUTAL fight. i did not get any of my courage from my father Satan...

Jen: so what'd you get?

i take a fuzzy purple ringbox out and snap it like Richard Gere.

Jen: the fuck, man. do you have nine nails in your head?

me: open it.

Jen: don't snap at me.

it's not a ring. per se. it's a crumpled-up plane ticket in the shape of a ring.

Jen: one-way ticket to Baltimore. huh.

me: it's an existential question: when is it not stalking?

Jen: when it's in a Hallmark Movie and you're a handsome man who's a beekeeper. then following the woman to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is romantic.

Jen: wait, you're not then also gonna do the second-box cliche, are you?

me: this is ME here. the writer, remember?

i pull out a second ringbox from my back buttpocket. 

Jen: i am digging the Vaporwave lush, i'm sleeping in this crushed velvet. this one is a ring-shaped piece of paper that's not laminated. a.........bank note?

me: read the balance on my account.

Jen: $150,000?!!! must be a typo.

me: it is. a painful typo. a crushing computer glitch.

Jen: shame, i like rich men.

me: i now know how it feels to be Melissa Maker, just for one day...

Tim Robbins on the SNL set at the Goodbyes: i couldn't care less that Sinead O'Connor just ripped the Pope's pic in half, i'm staring at a woman in the audience who is my wife. SOMEHOW my wife is fucking Susan Sarandon!!! i'm trying to figure this out...

around the mall at all the obscure boutique niche shoppes outside with blue rope bordering their windows you don't notice passing on your way to a giant pretzel that makes you salt-sick later:

Sailor Moon S: Tokyo, otherwise known as San Francisco...

Red Dwarf: the next thing will come when the next Zelda thing comes...

Nintendo GameCube: the games weren't great but the cube shape was cool.

Macintosh: ...

Cameron Mathison: i have a degree in civil engineering.........you believe that, right? from Berkeley. i use my degree to host a bridge game-show. isn't a truss a girdle?...

Monica Pro: what are you doing?

Leslie Sbrocco: i applied for the job. stockboy at Safeway. you have to train me now, i'm UNDER you...

Monica: do not walk behind me when i'm in the freezer aisle.

Betsy McCloud: Brewster McCloud's mother.

me: celebrating the red, white, and blue?

Jen: not anymore in this world. just blue. as in i'm drinking a big cube-shaped bottle of blue GIN to celebrate still being alive with Sjogren's.

Jen: but why are you so perberbed all the time? you're always agitated.

me: if you had stuck around and not ghosted me the rest of my life i'd be quite sanguine today. as long as you're around, i have no problems. as long as we're texting about the '70s and raw milk in a copper can, i am properly saturated.

Jen: one evening at the Colonnade...

me: now tho, i'm just waiting to die. but i have 20 more years to live. so it's a long wait. how should i fill the time?...

Jen: that's a LOT of dead-air time...

Valley Girls: it's just called The Galleria...

Lucio: i was your best friend because i was lucid...

Dalai Lama: my successor is Gregg Popovich. okay? so don't take away his extended-absence wins, that's why he was away.

Super Mario in a greasy apron in the dark underground neon-lit Ameci Pizza mall-box at the Sherman Oaks Galleria food court: meat sauce, when you want to turn your spaghetti into lasagna...

Jen Pizarro: my tits are oval, like your Ned's thermos...

Jeff Baena: why didn't Sailor Pluto stop time and save me?

Aubrey Plaza: you got into anime too late in life...

Nobodyman: i hung up on a girl, now i'm hung up on a girl...

Chris Hardwick: see Singled Out was such a FILTHY immoral show, i had to do The Wall to give back to society, to return niceness, charity both meanings, and good works to the world. Lenny Dykstra, my favorite baseball player, was the first The Dude and the first man to listen to Nine Inch Nails. cosplay is a losing battle...

StaceyRPG: i make you feel old. i genuinely have no idea who U2 are. not to mention Nirvana. Crossfit is a Ponzi scheme, it's just volleyball...

strawberries-and-cream sandwiches: yeah Japan already did this in the '80s. at the British Macy's which has food...

Dave Parker: your first Pirate. and your first Ghostbuster.

triangle (musical instrument): best as Zelda music...

Lex Luthor: with this bald head, i would never have scored on Skins...

Jimmy Somerville: i'm not the "Never Gonna Give You Up" guy...

me: are you ready to fight for us?

Jen R: no. 

me: i am.

Jen: but why are you so drawn to me?

me: i love you.

Jen: are you sure it has nothing to do with that one time in passing when i mentioned that i like to be choked during sex?

me: .........i mean.........i've thought about it.........but how would that work? you know? how could that be implemented safely? it's just too dangerous to pull off.

Jen: yeah you're right. forget i said anything.