WILD SWIMMING: EVENWARD

 

Jules Smith: look at that bog bodega in the shape of a boot over there.

me: who lives there?

Jules: Mrs. Claus, but fair warning, she's in a right state.

we approach the gingerbread location like it was a crime scene, which it kinda was.

there in the middle of the plaisically-sewed half-circle rug around the brick fireplace, Mrs. Claus is on the mantle. she's in a Mrs. Claus-sized Christmas stocking, she's sewing herself from inside the stocking, she's trapped inside the stocking.

Mrs. Claus: don't worry, i can breathe, i made the fabric breathable.

Jules: you see, man?

me: yeah. it's a symbol of the female condition.

Mrs. Claus: right? i mean why does Santa get to deliver the toys on a sleigh? why doesn't Mrs. Claus do the reindeer-riding? if you start the Grimm fairy tale out right, with a woman protagonist in the first place, it doesn't seem as strange, it'll just be normal. also, the writers of legends drink too much Coke...

 

WILD SWIMMING: ICEFLAKE

 

Jules Smith: our village elder lives by himself on that hill over there. his name is Monopoly Moneybags, Mono for short. because he wears a monocle in each eye.

Mono: money is no object, i can buy any object. eventide is when i do my laundry at night with Tide detergent. i can't see my tub, so my tuxedo will remain stinky, because the villagers voted NOT to see me naked.

Jules: at the countryside council.

Mono: only get the heart-shaped strawberries...

Lars von Trier: come on. i have a heart. i would never have Christy Carlson Romano getting shot in the eye in a scene for dramatic effect. 

CCR: clay pigeons, that's very atmospheric, very Lynchian.

Lars: or very Larsian.

CCR: i only did this film because Shia recommended me to you...

at the log-cabin winter lodge.

Jen R: your soulmate has to be in the SPACE with you. if she's not there, nothing will happen...

Capp: i wonder how all the people i knew who were on Myspace are doing? how are all the Myspace marriages faring now?...

Myspace: for some reason, Justin Timberlake owns us now.

Darkwing from Invincible: let's get dangerous.

Mark Grayson: what's your favorite song?

Darkwing: "Midnight City" by M83...

Jalen Hurts at Safeway: Kelce Brothers Cereal? man are you fucking serious with that right now? i'm quietly pushing my stroller along Safeway's aisles minding my own and i gotta be confronted with a stacked mountain of THESE BOXES?!!!

Dr. Dre: i mean doesn't it make more sense for ME to be on The Voice?

Snoop Dogg: heard, cousin. but that Michael Buble cat controls everything, feel? 

Dr. Dre: be a dope nigga, not a nigga dope.

at the Super Bowl, Travis Kelce gets down on one knee in front the Jumbotron and the world to propose.

Travis Kelce: will you marry me?

Taylor Swift: but you lost the Super Bowl.

Travis: don't worry, Patrick Mahomes is 15 years old. 

Taylor Swift: Travis Kelce, i'm in love with your brother Jason Kelce. 

Jalen Hurts, lighting a cigar: curse of the cereal.

Jalen Hurts: love hurts. love is a world of hurt.

Travis Kelce: can i be traded to the Eagles? i need a tush push in my life.

Jalen Hurts: only if you can drum and sing. 

Belinda Bencic: i'm coming off two Super Bowl wins...

me: i know 10 Jens, Jennifers, or Jennis on Instagram...

me: today is Sick Monday.

Jules Smith: because everybody calls in sick the Monday after the Super Bowl.

me: no, because it's sick that i'm alive today, you know? as E.Z. Taylor would say, it's tubular that i'm alive today.

Jules: the main thing is the main thing and all that. 

Real Genius.

Real Genius like Real Cheese, not True Genius...

Sheldon: this movie is where The Big Bang Theory comes from...

jazz singer over cave paintings: never been done before.

Mr. Diamond at Crespi High School: watch this movie while i wait two hours for the printer on my desk to spit out your Spanish test...

Dark Star, not Star Wars opening...

clear as vodka: unless the mud's a mule.

men smoking in rooms: Raygun was a phenomenon, she's Australia's Sweetheart, we need the American Raygun.

Ms. Krause: remember the 6th Grade Science Project triptych?...

Tom: why couldn't Jerry be drunk?

scholarship: it's like a mathlete's signing bonus.

Val Kilmer: what do you call that thing with the two balls attached to two slinkys bouncing like a spring you wear on your head?.........alien ears or something?...

Freshman Tea: because you really are at college to study, and to be a single father at Taco Bell at night.

Jen R: remember all the poetry written on dorm walls?

me: Grand Guignol graffiti.

Greykid: i feel bad for that Great Dane, how can you be mean to that grand animal?

Mikey from Parker Lewis Can't Lose: shock therapy.........considering what we're working on, i should have done light therapy...

Blutarsky: Ice Capades in the dorm hallways, why didn't i think of that first? frost. frost first. i like your poster: Einstein wearing a COLLEGE sweatshirt...

Data from The Goonies: i won an Oscar and went back to college.

Jordan: make your bed a lawn chair...

Ed Begley Jr.: i was naked with a bowl of jello because i refused to wear the Cosby sweater.

Koos: that was MY sweater!!! he sullied MY design!!!

Rushmore Hall...

me: remember white McDonald's bags? why does he have a pencil sketch of Daniel LaRusso from The Karate Kid on the back on his dorm door?

Jen R: i get it.

Jordan: size comparison, sweater not penis. are you peeing?

liquid nitrogen: how to cheat at the arcade...

automatic page-turner: isn't that just lazy?

Pam Hiltunen: do you have a Disneyland dark ride under your dorm?

mystery roommate: i go down to this cave so i can watch Shirt tales in peace. dreams are your core...

Darlington Electronic Instruments: DEI works. PBS science shows are cool.

Jen R: necking, only done in the '80s.

technothriller: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo marries Trainspotting...

Jonny Moseley: hey Lorne, i got a ton of great jokes for my SNL monologue. like i say, "i'm rich." the audience has no mondo idea what's going on for five minutes. it's a play on the word "mogul."

Lorne Michaels: get out of my office.

Jonny Moseley: can i be the host for SNL 50?...

John Larroquette: i took the entire writing staff of Night Court, the 2023 show, to New Orleans for my week-long Super Bowl party, that's why no one's written the Wikipedia synopsis for last week's episode...

Mark Hapka in pajamas: is that a :35 or a :55 on your clock?...

Suzy Lu: the way i say the word hilarious is hilarious...

One Piece doctors: you have cooties, stay away from me.

Goofy: hey, Super Bowl teams, you have to go to Disneyland for 2 hours IN THE MORNING before you play the Super Bowl later that day...

Ed, Edd n Eddy: all you wanted in your life were normal friends like us...

Super Bowl: the only day you take out the trash at 10 PM at night...

Vic Fangio: 1986, young buck. i'm Batman. who's Spags? sounds like a can of Chef Boyardee.

i'm going crazy.

i jump in the lake.

me: WHY IS LIFE LIKE THIS?!!!

Jules Smith: what you on about now?

me: i live in abject misery.

i swim the bitterly cold lake for an hour lapping back and forth on the edge before all the drang from all my anxious agitation riles and collects into a GIANT ice storm that forces poor Jules and i inside the log-cabin pub.

Jules: you see how the village bog works? 

me: yeah, sorry about that. i am no shelter to seek. we have to eat cold mutton in a pub as an ice storm rages outside.

Jules: no it's fine. brilliant in fact. it's ATMOSPHERE.

me: but cold meat.

Jules: pubs don't have air fryers, dear.

air fryer: 400 degrees.........400 degrees...

me: at least let's get a hot drink in us. what's the coffee like around here?

Jules: red coffee crystals.

me: oh that Safeway off-brand coffee just goes right through me.

Jules: let's go to the village open-air market and get some.

me: now you see? SEE?!!! you see how great it is to have friends?!!! the friend has the money!!!

 

THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: INELUCTABLE

 

Jules Smith: my family is in my house right now, let's go meet them.

me: but i have met your family.

Jules: how? you've been hiding here in the cinema by the brook all week.

me: they have a lot of good stuff they play here, a different movie daily. i can't miss one of these movies or i'll feel off the rest of my life. besides, do you see who's been flanking me on either side of my theatre seat all week as i watch all these films?

Jules: yes, my wolfits, my wolf pupits, Halo and Tex, LARGE wolves. England is cool with animals in the building.

me: see? and you know how scared i am of dogs ever since that dog ate my chain-belt during my goth phase in 7th Grade. your wolves haven't eaten me yet, isn't that testament to how they've accepted me into the fold?

Jules: i feel you peeing into your shorts as you're talking to me just now. 

me: and what of my cats? only YOU can take me in, the cats have nowhere to go.

Jules: YOU have nowhere to go. YOU are going nowhere.

me: don't worry, i'll live in your paintroom, it's not really part of the cottage, it's more like an adjacent shed with a vent. i'm used to paint fumes.

Jules: the cats cannot roam free in the countryside wheat with the wolves. there's an enclosed square pasture out back adjacent to the paintroom where the cats can relaxedly eat their wet food and you can graze grass on all fours for evenward supper. 

Instagram DM: Dream Meditations

El Centro, California: that's where Wassup Rockers took place, right?...

Melissa Maker: wash out your washing-machine drum the same way you wash out your air-fryer bowl of tin...

The Witches of Eastwick.

Clyde: i didn't kill my wife, i started Facebook...

Susan Sarandon: i'm playing Cher in this movie, right?...

Cher: i'm so famous i don't go by one name, the shortened form of Cher is Her...

Little Compton: not like Compton IN ANY WAY...

Jack Nicholson: what does a man want? one of those electric S-curved dry-cleaners garment-conveyor racks in my bedroom, those are so fun to ride.

Fidel: S-curved like your penis, master.

Cher: you don't know what love is.

Jack: i've only loved one man in my life: Jesus.

Jack: Fidel, my The Dude robe. 

Melissa Maker: bagels, but instead of cream cheese as the bagel spread, ice cream as the bagel spread...

Cher with copper pot: i'm making an Uncle Buck pancake.

Claudine Pepin: that copper pot is bigger than me!!!

Cher: cut the white candles in half like a daikon...

Jack: freezer's broken? can't help you, i do fire.

ice cream man: you okay?

Jack: fine. my leg likes to jump on its own. save my tiny basketball!!!

Rent: live in the city, the mountains charge rent...

Suzy Lu: Rent lives rent-free in my head...

Jack: don't know about you, but i'd rather have covid than women. i made Luka come to the Lakers. i better change the license plate on my Bruce Wayne car. these village roads are like NASCAR. everybody wants a GIANT sugar bowl. does my hair look okay?

Susan Sarandon: huh, laughing made all my problems go away...

Cher: this voodoo doll will be in a Tool music video one day...

Jack: why do i look like a CGI Gollum dinosaur?

unit production manager: when MY name appears in the end-credits scroll, that's the signal for everybody to get up from their seats and exit the theater. 

Jack: i only came up to Earth to teach the kids about Fullmetal Alchemist...

Jules Smith puts her Stonehenge-baubled arm around my tender shoulder.

Jules Smith: the monologue will keep us together.

me: i love brainstorming with you, pretending i'm a part of something.

Jules: we'll write that Hollywood sitcom. 

me: three cameras?

Jules: one iPhone. my local PBS affiliate, not yours. 

me: BritBox makes my box itchy, i get so excited, i start to quake. that salty breeze. Cardiff cliffs. 

Jules: don't jump, instead cry, Tears for Fears it. not into wolves? Dover dogs. my house is the place for late-night thoughts. Johnny Carson wet the bed. we're shooting the shit over Luther Burgers at 3 in the morning.

Rod Serling: when you wear my pimp coat, the hot fuzzy black jacket, and you shave your head, you look like a Nosferatu goth...

Paddington: where's my motherfucking marmalade? 

Queen Elizabeth: that's Queen Mother to you, bear.

Paddington: where's my motherfucking marmalade? you minger. sorry sorry, i consume too much Ricky Gervais. i'm not a bad bear, i'm a hungry bear. they forget to feed me on set, they think i can feed myself because i can talk.

Trent Reznor: funny story, everyone thinks i looked like the lead singer of Slam Bamboo when i was young, that i was that dork with the glasses and curly ponytail...

Harrisburg, PA: so the ice storm is such that the power will go out on Super Bowl Sunday, but the power will come back on on Monday...

Stephen A. Smith with head tics: i mean, think about it, i'd be a cool President of the United States.  

Jimmy Butler: MIA stands for Missing In Action, not Miami. i was jealous of Pat Riley's hair...

Stevie Wonder: it's As, not Ass...

sax: you can't blow me properly until you grow a bushy or silky braided beard.

Cecily Strong: Triscuit nachos for the Big Game.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: Transcendentalism tempers Existentialism to an even draw.

Jen R with her sketchbook and pink pencil out: draw even...

me: i miss Jen R so much, i wish she'd follow me with her new Instagram page...

Squeaky from Safeway, singing: how much is that donut in the window?.........the brown bags with the cellophane window we have for bakery bread...

Jackie Fitzgerald: no more Thursday-night lasagna for you, that's when i take He-Man to the dog park...

atmospheric river: can we have the rain without the wind?...

Jaleel White: Flip Side at 5, that's all you want from life, just to see my beautiful face on the television at the usual time...

American Primeval: no S Club 7 members, no Douglas Henshall, no Harry Potter kid as David Cassidy, no cheerio boss, no dinosaurs, no scientific Godzilla as in excavating the actual bones of Godzilla archaeologically...

Lucy Brown: i was so hot i played two characters.........once...

PG&E: we're trying here, we're FINALLY employing the new technologies in 2025 to stop power outages cold in their tracks and sense wire-loving falling trees so you don't have to get a powerbar or in any other way have anything to do with Elon Musk, have business with Elon Musk, be beholden to Elon Musk.

Elon Musk: call me Ron Musk.

Bonnie from Cocktail: rule #1: never marry your kept boy.

Jackie Fitzgerald looking at He-Man: ...

Jules Smith: come on, i mean, come in, my family isn't that scary. there's my daughter Ellie who's a beautiful artist like you. she draws better than me but i color better than her. and there's the others. it's an English village so we all have to be eccentrics.

me: it's Coronation Street in real life. i probably shouldn't have kids, given my genes. i can't lighten your doorstep.

Jules: surely you can, you're a lightworker like the last remaining bookseller. 

me: i'm dealing with a friend in crisis, who is me.

me: WAIT!!! i'm turning the knob...

Jules, gasping out of her mouth: turning the gnome knob is like pushing the red button...

me: i'm entering your wooden doorsill that looks like a giant carved mushroom. i have to do this.

Jules: why?

me: because i can't go home.

THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: THE TALKING IS THE TALKING

 

Jules Smith: *internal sigh* oh fine, so where do you want to go instead?

me: i mean, the UK is a big island, right? 

Jules: let's go to the little cinema by the babbling brook, there's always something good playing there.

me: you mean obscure.

Jules: in this case it's all the new Doctor Who episodes you've missed since the world went crazy and you lost your time.

me: works for me.

the cinema by the brook was an old war depot for the British soldiers in WWI. the lobby of the cinema by the brook is a carpet of Vaporwave purple diamond. Jules takes me to the popcorn man during the first intermission.

Jules: try this one, popcorn man.

me: whoa, i can SMELL that!!!

Jules: right? it smells like Saturday-morning cereal. it's kettle corn, but it's BUTTERY kettle corn.

me: what a concept!!!

Jules: two batches, pet. and two orange juices. orange juice has always been only British...

me: feed me, my love. feed my gob.

Jules: oh yeah, your sweet tooth. 3 root canals didn't stop your sugar habit? here, try these Compos Mentis Mentos.

we get back right as the previews are starting:

a female version of The Beatles called The Ladybugs...

Jules: The Ladybirds...

me: this could work.

Jules: it would have to be very senior very respected female rockers. Kathleen Hanna, Laurie Anderson, Kim Gordon, and Kate Bush.

Lucio Rossi: their signature song would be "Lucio in the Sky with Diamonds."

Trent Reznor: do you know how the Nine Inch Nails name came about? it was a variation on Slam Bamboo...

it's a big day in the world of tennis. Novak Djokovic has FINALLY joined the Senior League. in his first match, he sits down on his lawnchair on the tennis court with his belt loose over his fat belly and makes an old-man guzzle from his mouth. the crowd begins to boo him.

Djokovic: for fuck sake, nothing changes. is this how you treat your elders in America?

Novak starts to spit sunflower seeds he's been chewing onto the court, the ballboys have to pick up all 66 sunflower seeds before the next point can begin.

the crowd boos old-man Novak Djokovic vociferously.

after the show, many tennis fans feel worried and concerned when they see Roger Federer in the parking lot on the backbed of his red Chevy 4x4. Roger seems disoriented and slurs his speech.

Roger Federer:  i don't know how to be in America. i'm not drunk, i only drink apple juice, it's just, it's just, who am i without tennis?...

Fed fan: this wounds us, Roger, at least get back on your feet, and into some tennis shoes.

Roger: no no no, fuck sports, fuck the Olympics, i need to be the new head of the UN.

 

The Witches of Eastwick.

Jack Nicholson: let it wash over you like Washed Out.

Susan Sarandon: wait, did you or i cause the cello to catch fire?...

Cher: i'm not naked.........yet.

Cher: racing down 17 Mile Drive on our bikes at 125 mph while exchanging dialogue lines was done by ME. and Michelle Pfeiffer. this was hardcore '80s filmmaking, honey, no stunt doubles, no training wheels, no brakes, no helmets, no kneepads.

Jack: i threw Lance Armstrong and Greg LeMond off the set myself with my two bare hands.

Cher: he has the most amazing penis. it's curvy.

Sukie: that's Peyronie's disease.

Roger Federer, exasperated: i'm on the grand grounds of this estate because Jack Nicholson requested me to teach him pickleball...

Cher: i like to play tennis in overalls. and only on a court with Venus de Milos.

Cher: hey don't serve that tennis ball at my pussy, i come from the mean streets of Armenia, look at my thug face.

Avo Babian: Cher was the first Armenian anybody ever knew...

Roger Federer: i've done that butt shot.

Jack: Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun" pose...

Sukie: i'll get pregnant if i use your toothbrush.

Jack: well that's not a fun seduction. the Devil just wants a family like anyone else.

Sukie: the world is a peculiar place. women are naturally attuned to this world.

Jen R: the world is crazy, even if your father ISN'T Pee-wee Herman...

Lurch: master, may i dress as Michael Jackson tonight? it's so boring in that LONG white robe.

Jack: don't mind the camcorder, ladies, i'm doing a pilot for this thing called The Real World. don't do it, Sarah Becker. anyway, what's your dream, Cher?

Cher: snakes. but sadly there's no naked Harrison Ford. i'm in one of those gigantic busy malls with a thousand escalators...

Veronica Cartwright: of all the sins, cavorting is the worst sin. the biggest whore in this bucolic little New England town is the priest!!!

husband: she's fine, she's just sick.

Veronica: i am not against a good fuck. but only on Thanksgiving Day.

Susan Sarandon at school: that's it, play the music like this is Bull Durham now...

Clyde: Jack Nicholson ruined the wetlands for the birds, all three meanings.

Jack: spit the cherry pits into my mouth, ladies, i can take it.

husband: Felicia, you REALLY should have watched The Care Bears Movie instead of The Exorcist.

Jen R: that really is an AESTHETIC: the dark-blue mailbox set against the lush green grassy lawn.

Jack: happy birthday.........sorry, there's no way for my smile not to be creepy...

Jack: i'm freezing my nuts off out here. my tiny Robespierre ponytail has gone limp.

Jack: rotting the fruit like the Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" video, like Lars von Trier.

Cher: oh damn, i live in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride...

Jack: all '80s movies end with someone in a mental institution. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is what really happened to me when i was living in Santa Clarita. 

Lindy Lenz: Tara Flavor was my Reseda roommate when i was on The Price Is Right!!!

Matt: call me Matteo. Matteo of the Sallow Eyes.

Skylar: having a nice boss, you, instead of a grumpy boss, that ONE thing determines one's life forever...

Skylar: guys, let's make Safeway the destination where the batteries AND the eggs are always AAA...

Jack Nicholson: ramen crumbs, Aisle 13. fuck?

Skylar: i'm taken. this is post-Weinstein.

Larry from Safeway: The Larry Lathe of Heaven. lavender trash bags? Patrick Lavender must be feeling like he's in Disneyland with the way the world is going now, just as he long-planned. yeah yeah yeah i know what that is. i know all about that. my mom showed me her '70s sci-fi paperback collection, grocery QR codes place you into Facebook Marketplace against your will. that portable outlet says HDPE, not HOPE... 

Fay Vincent: baseball acknowledges the frailty of humanity, what other sport has errors in the box score?

Mark McGwire: Fay is a man's name?

cul-de-sac: the reason your neighborhood was so quiet growing up...

Jules Smith and i exit the cinema in nature with popcorn in our mouths and space in our bellies...

me: it's been my dream to go to a matinee showing of a movie with a woman.

Jules: have faith, peach, our online dating worked.

me: but did we date? when we were texting back and forth i always wanted to type you a BIG PASSAGE where i lay out myself, where i explain my hopes, dreams, and fears of life, and show you that i was trying to conquer my demons with my writing. THAT is a real date, not moonlight pappardelle with funghi sauce.

Jules: but that's just it, luv, we were dating the whole time, EVERY TIME you texted back and i texted you back, that was our dates, that was us communicating, getting to know each other just that little bit better each day. the talking needn't be grand and philosophical, the talking is the talking, the talking is BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER. it's the gradual forming of love. 

 

  

  

THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: SECOND HOUSE

 

me: without my second house, i die.

Jules Smith: patience, our long-distance overseas video dating is working.

me: is it? is there romance tho? i mean have we actually been on a real date? America to Britain is a long way.

Jules: but Carmel to Canterbury isn't, it's a chocolate egg away, you egg. 

me: i'm glad i'm FINALLY able to join you along the Jurassic Coast. it's quite lovely here, i love eating the salty air.

Jules: and the sweet swirly yolks. you really don't like to wait, huh. quite, it's lovelier than you but i don't know you. shall we full-English-breakfast at some pub or something? wanna see my house?

me: no, i'd just like to bury my feet to my ankles in this green sand the rest of the afternoon, i don't get out much.

as we two stroll the shore, the entire album of Tommy by The Who plays in the background on the vibrations of the sneaker waves outside.

me: are there a lot of T-rexes roaming the Jurassic Coast?

Jules: sure, i pet the T-rexes on the head with my short arms.

i make a dinosaur roar with my mouth.

Kevin the lizard: you fucking putz.

Roger Daltrey: Tommy was the first rock opera. Pete Townshend invented that genre...

Trent Reznor: many people don't know this, but The Downward Spiral is the goth Tommy.

The Who Tommy "Christmas": the lyrics should have been

how can he be saved

from the eternal flame?

Cecily Strong at Lucky in London.

Cecily Strong: it's a grocery store, not a LUSH/Victoria's Secret hybrid. i'm here to get a Family Size of Triscuits, that's my BOX, boy!!! that's MY brand, MA brand, for i am a mother now, i have a family now, so all my food from now on will be Family Size food, Family food.

me: you know i've never gotten the Family Size of Triscuits, just the regular box, i wonder what it's like to hold.

Cecily: i did IVF even though i have a long-standing boyfriend/fiance and i'm only 40. i just wanted to make sure...

Neil deGrasse Tyson is giving a lecture at Cambridge as he smokes a cigarette indoors. the hall applauds.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: are you cheering the smoke? the fire? which reminds me, what did we do to our planet? it's too late. it's too late, folks, you fucked it. there has got to be another planet of people out there, somewhere out there, i'm sick of this planet, i'm sick of the shit on this planet, i'm sick of this planet's shit.

Demon City Shinjuku.

Maiara Walsh: you know that fantasy you have of making love to me in a Vaporwave-purple-lit room on a clam bed with a glowing pearl?...

Jules Smith: living in the UK will be good for you.

me: i don't know anybody here.

Jules: you know me. unlike the others i have never abandoned you, i won't abandon you in your time of need, i have always been online, i have always been on Instagram. i'll be there for you. you remember me, don't you, mah dahlin? i'm the woman in the stands counting all 7 Notts goals on my fingers for the BBC cameras during that Nottingham Forest match.

me: the purest pitch. i was struck by how lovely that woman was, a mother wrapped in warm blankets, her soul a hearth, a tin of warm pub soup.

Jules: i'm a steady hand. a steady arm *)

The Witches of Eastwick.

Cher: this isn't Hocus Pocus...

Jen R: Cher is my mother, Pee-wee Herman is my father.

Susan Sarandon: horns up.........get it? i'm a school-band teacher but i'll reveal myself to be a witch soon...

selectman: i selected Tom Brady...

David Letterman: once on the lips, forever on the hips, that's how i got my gap tooth, i ate too much Swiss cheese.

Milton Berle: ladies, my schlong is a foot long, but it doesn't work, it's too floppy.

Cher: men aren't the answer to everything, a time machine to show the Medieval villagers proof is.

Jack Nicholson: this is considered the best performance of my career, so pay attention. i'm handsome like if Gary Cooper stopped lying to himself. i snore like Skeletor.

Handel: my chamber music is for Jack Tripper in the audience.

snowy egret: a wet dream in the bed.

Jen R: it's true, divorced women are the juiciest fruit.

Jack wearing red high heels on his Borgia bed: this is not my bedroom, it's my study...

Cher: i have to go home to feed my kid dinner.

Jack: what's for dinner?

Cher: pizza.

Ingmar Bergman: blood. i should have added BLOOD to my cello!!!

Jack: it's genetic.

Susan Sarandon: wait, who is the Devil's father?...

Jack: i watch Call the Midwife to make up for the Salem Witch Trials.

Jack: your precision is not prissy, it's pussy, place the cello in between your pussy while i play the piano with my dick. 

Talia: cat dentist? that's a thing?

Lou Malnati's deep-dish pizza: Chicago in Medieval times: Billy Corgan with a bowl cut.

Jules Smith: sex with Billy Corgan would be lanky. just gimme the dinosaur pizza.

Johnny Depp: depp-dish pizza.

Billy Corgan: call me Billy Vegan from now on.

Sophie Thatcher from Nichols Canyon: is Billie Eilish old enough to have a Lifetime Movie made about her life?...

Butch Hendrick: it's like diving in braille.

Jake Tapper: i got my scuba certification diving deep in the quarries of that film Breaking Away...

Frieza: i was named after freesia, because i smell like flowers, my whole body is like a Travel Size of eau du parfum.

Jamie Lee Curtis: i do yogurt in the air fryer.

Dirg on Instagram: let's ho uh let's go.

August melon: the Vaporwave banana.

Michael Weiss: so no one's gonna be bold on Instagram anymore? everyone's just gonna revert back to cute cupcakes?...

Michael Weiss: nobody wants to admit this but.........Instagram is dead.

Imagination "Just an Illusion."

it's just an illusion,

mounds of confusion.

Maia from The 4400 in the Wells Fargo parking lot: you get $4400 a month...

go back to college: cuz you broke as hell.

Meredith Vieira in the Game Show Network parking lot: why can't 21 Words or Less be a WEEKDAY show, you know? i'm not on The View anymore, i gotta pay for Dan Casagrande's kids to go to college.

Greg Feith: i was that silver fox on Seinfeld...

The Big O: gotta love the telephone on a silver platter.

Grisha: Attack on Titan can never end, because we will never forget Etika...

Jules Smith: well, we're here.

i make the most frightful pale gasp out of my mouth.

me: WHAT?!!! what do you mean?!!! i never thought our LONG HIKE would lead HERE!!! i'm sweating bullets. i can't do it. i'm hyperventilating.

Jules: it's just my house. doesn't it look like a tumbledown Storybook International country cottage?

me: i can't do this. i can't make the transition.

Jules: family is hard. but it's something that needs to happen for you to move on with your life. you'll never get anywhere in life if all you ever had was one house. come on. come on inside and meet my family.

i run away over the meadow into the forest.

Jules: but there's more at the door...