DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: IT'S TOO LATE NOW

 

Jen R: why do we go to Safeway so badly? 

me: i'm always there. not by choice.

Jen: look, i'm telling you right now, there's only so much Safeway chicken a woman can take.

Monica Pro is there early and bushy-tailed by her station as normal. as normal the register is locked and won't budge.

Jen R: why are you a pro?

Monica Pro: i'm not a pro like THAT. what you're thinking. why are women my age always with minds in gutter?

me: you have a sexy voice.

Monica Pro: my voice not sexy, my voice Hungarian. no more fucking food, man. if i have to process one more fucking food i'll go European-wild.

Monica Pro: i'm a pro at what i do. i've been in management for 30 years. i got my PhD in groceries at Berkeley. 

me: i graduated from Berkeley. the high school in Watsonville.

Jen R: but you look so young and beautiful still!!! you look like Madonna's older sister. like Sharon Stone's short aunt. your blonde hair hasn't turned fairytale-white yet.

Monica: my face is from the forest.

Jen: what's your secret?

Monica: Mac Pro.

Larry From Safeway: i prefer The Lathe of Larry...

Monica Pro: i love you, Larry. we could be a throwback hippie black/white real-love couple from the '60s.

Larry: we would both have to lose our iPhones at the back of our butts.

Demolition Man.

Jen R: this was the EXACT kind of movie your 15-year-old self snuck into the theater to see. this was your first R-rated movie!!!

just three years later?...

covid: it wasn't about the toilet paper...

Dennis Rodman: because of this movie the Bulls won all those championships. it wasn't Michael Jordan, it was my dayglo green hair distracting the unflappable John Starks.

Sly Stallone: i'm not jumping into this fire...

Sly: can i at least be one of those Minority Report wraiths? i'm not sly, i'm Syl. it's a nice sauna in here...

Scott Peterson: the time flew by!!! i served my entire life sentence in an hour!!!

Sandra Bullock: so we all drive Domino's Pizza Cars now?

Andre Gregory: think all you want. i thought SO HARD for Wallace Shawn in My Dinner with Andre my brain broke.

Jen: does anyone else have a weird crush on Andre Gregory?...

George Clooney wearing a BROADWAY blue hat on stage at Good Night and Good Luck LIVE: my favorite ER male nurse!!!

Sandra: the gold samurai sword on the wall behind my police desk is NOT Keanu's.

Wesley Snipes wearing a 187 hat: TEDDY RUXPIN!!! the last murder was NOT committed by Snoop...

Luke Skywalker: it's a dictatorship, a benevolent dictatorship.

The Big One of 2010: that orgasm by Sandra Bullock split the state into North California and South California.

Sally: don't use the yellow seashell for poo, that's disgusting...

Zack de la Rocha wearing a San Angeles hat: that ain't a history of violence at a Hall, that's a haul of OUR graffiti. everyone in this future museum is wearing '90s urbanwear...

Wesley: you wanna know why i'm angry? THERE'S NO RADIOSHACK IN THE FUTURE!!!

glow rod: REALLY fun rave at Berkeley in the '90s that started Trainspotting...

Sly: can you shoot a rifle Rambo-style?...

Wesley: come on, man, this was a freestanding museum. in the future, karate is still ancient...

President Arnold Schwarzenegger: i was supposed to come after Obama...

Taco Bell: it's Taco Bell but there's no salt...

Pizza Hut: Taco Bell every dinner is the dream...

Tony Reali: so what, i don't get to see the ESPN Cafeteria? the ESPN Cafeteria is too good for Statboy?...

anime: really zero in on the lessons we're trying to teach you here in these episodes, people need people, nobody can live alone.

Barbra Streisand: this is an especially hard lesson to drill into the anime community who are a bunch of weird loners.

John McEnroe: i'm the Old Ball Coach...

John McEnroe: that was an instant classic.

Bud Collins: made me proud to be a tennis fan again. i didn't have to hide my job from my yelling mother. 

John McEnroe: but mine with Bjorn in the freewheeling '70s/dawn of the '80s is still better than that Fed/Nadal Wimbledon.

Jannik Sinner: how is John McEnroe the uncomfortable jerky old man supposed to make me feel better about losing a win? 

Michael Chang in the stands: you had THREE chances? THREE chances?!!! do an UNDERHAND serve next time, you Little Bo Peep-looking motherfucker.

Carlitos Alcaraz: that would have surprised the FUCK outta me, i woulda been stunned into Spanish silence.

Jannik Sinner: when John McEnroe stares at me, my bowels lose in my tennis shorts. i'd rather have the Pope staring at me...

Fanapt commercial.

QT interval: NOT the amount of time it takes a cutie to turn into an otaku...

King Kai: i've always lived at the END of Snake Way, now i'm ON Snake Way...

homeless in Rome: i mean it's still a nice view...

me: i wish you could talk to me the way Goku after his death can still talk to Gohan.

dad: ...

orphans: the only truly-free human beings...

Sailor Moon S: each episode starts with a WHOOPEE CUSHION sound.

Eudial: buckle up when you're driving a car, safety first even when you're taking the car to do evil...

Eudial: i'm the carpool soccer mom but i HATE Sailor Moon...

Subbuteo: soccer for S&Mers.

Subbuteo: played while listening to Detronemo...

any collection of letters to form any word: a musical artist...

dad: my favorite word is tonearm...

One Piece: starts with an '80s Arrowhead gallon-bottle GLUB of a water bubble...

me: *leaves voice message*

Jules Smith: you have a malky mouth.

Mary Carillo: i'm doing the French Open on NBC Radio? really? in the words of my former mate, "you cannot be serious!!!"

Jannik Sinner's mother: i am not Kim Clijsters as an old woman...

Metagenics pill: won't do a thing, won't balance your hormones, no mental calmness, it's just a garlic pill.

Garlique: Metagenics is a better garlic pill than Garlique...

Terry Moran: i called Stephen Miller a smeghead.

Jen R from her lovely lips: hey, i gotta use the toilet. i ate too much Safeway chicken.

me: oh god, we're gonna have to actually use the Safeway bathroom for the first time in 13 years.

Jen: let's dive in.

me: that will mean more later.

Jen: oh WOW, look at this place. i wasn't expecting a community toilet.

me: it's a giant trough in the middle of the linoleum.

Jen: yeah but it's cool-looking, it's made from Ancient Rome stones, it's one of those ancient Roman waterways...

before the she can utter the word "aqueduct" from her timeless lips, Jen and i are sucked down this previously-mentioned aqueduct to parts and galaxies and dimensions unknown...