ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: FLYING, MANEUVERING JUST RIGHT

 

Solveig Dommartin: i am a BEAUTIFUL woman. i'm just about the most beautiful woman you're liable to come across in a lifetime.  but what's more beautiful is my final monologue i say to the ex-angel Bruno Ganz in Wings of Desire.

Wim Wenders: you are solving my muse problem. you are my sun. you can be in my movie.

Solveig: i'm not one of those women that needs to fall in love and be dominated by a man. i trapeze ALONE. a trapeze artist flies higher than an angel. as long as my friend Butch Vig's band is in it. i watched Martin BEFORE it went to UPN...

Wim: your eyes hypnotize me in black-and-white!!!

Solveig: my eyes are that green that's mined from Oz. you are MY MAN. you will NEED me. i saw you in a dream. the entire city of Berlin in this bar conspired to bring us together. 

Anthony Bourdain dancing awkwardly in an African gold chain from his nose to his nipple to warmed-over techno: do you believe in love?...

Wim: so i won't be the dom in bed? that's good, i got my friend Carrie Fisher's brass slavegirl armor in my garage.

Solveig: you'll be the vinegar in bed. your name sounds like a window. a window i won't jump from. for you see i played it just right, i maneuvered it so i'd be your ingenue at just the right moment in time. i was fresh-faced in need of my first movie, you had a few hits as a director but not that BREAKTHROUGH as an auteur.

Wim: and it's been happily ever after ever since. you traveled the world with me you lucky girl.

Solveig: what's a career when you have love?

Wim: were you ever the submissive?

Solveig: only when i was on the trapeze. to the stick. i was at the whim of gravity...

Gene Rayburn: why does everyone hold their card UPSIDE DOWN? that bothers me at night.

grandma: i'm wearing my going-out top to go out on top.

Melissa Maker: in a party top at the funeral...

Chelsea Football Club: our logo? we're still the only volleyball club in Britain...

Melissa Maker: 2 days? i didn't post anything on Instagram for 2 days? that means it wasn't just sex this weekend, there was cum on my tits. on the works of spiritual clay that are my tits this weekend...

Sandy McLeod: i'm playing Ms. Krause in the new CBS sitcom pilot this Fall. Krause's Kids or Krause is Krabby or Krause is Knuts or But Soft, Krause. i got those Ms. Krause LIPS!!! pouting with a scowl at my desk as i bemoan why my students call King Arthur's father Mr. Pendragon. it's Mr. Uther-Pendragon!!! future episodes will explore my past as a Shakespearean stage actress in a traveling theatre troupe caravanning from community college to community college performing on their empty stages. that gauzy opening scene of a classroom...

  

Billy Corgan and D'arcy in their Columbo coats search for clues to solve a murder in a local mountain town by going to the local morgue where they meet Peter Falk. then to the local coffee shop where they meet Peter Falk. 

Peter Falk: this has become my coffice.

the music in the background is not that spacey Twin Peaks score but rather "By Starlight..."

Rolling Stone review of Sam Smith's latest record: this boy wants dick!!!

Sam Smith: come on, bruv, at least talk about my hazel eyes.

Helena Humphrey: in these froggy times, should I really be drop NG a F[rmula 1 car pm the slim streets of Addington, D.C.? it;s not Ike bull Clot ton is orient and ie is boring...

road mobile has to have a scene where a coal band Palos a love show in a Srroday night at a Ocala bar. the social band is the Talkomng Heads...

young Ray lipo TTA in Diem thing idk I am the scariest actor we have. I;m a handsome man which makes me alluring to you. ,I eyes are wild and yardage. I logh is unnatural.

Brett Etson rklsiL there has been SO much better about me in vanity Fur, all speculative foci ton. he there Rta calc were assholes. hey font let me on their little club. I;  the on;y one with the stinks to wet about the sociopathy of the richl the Krogers been long fronds. ,I male characters are named Blane. I one vented. :when;d oil ETF back?"...

XkatabK Xjatab is not wearing the bra. you at Xkata;s stats> Yue at Xkatan bot to have a cramped calf? you shoot k novel laser at coat;s Brian to eat the information.

Don & Connie;s" we're the only mini-mart tatt has out arcade vainest of defender and Galaga OUTIDUR.

the Tin manL o as the first MIC site lime  Film is Curcle...

stained glass; it;s there a chore or MdevK Toems.

Koch's; resists: Onstagra is the Law of etnl recorence.

NoeyzcheL yeah PT;s kids reels of the sm person saying the ma thing...

Erling Haaland: i cut my hair. no wonder we're losing, i cut off my Viking locks!!! i shaved my head like Kurt Cobain. all my power comes from my hair. Norway has no monks, the monasteries get too cold. when i do a header now, it feels weird...

Talia the cat: yeah get the unscented kitty litter, no harsh chemicals or dyes. look at me, my fur is perfect, my fur is precious, i don't need to dye it a Jem color to stand out. i don't need to be a punk cat.

Trinity the cat: it's not THAT lightweight, don't hold it with your pinkie finger, you're gonna break your pinkie finger!!!

Talia: just clay in the kitty litter for artistic texture.

Bjork: the unscented kitty litter still has that trace smell of bubblegum...

Wim Wenders: why does a kitchen trashcan have those ridges inside of it? they will just tear a hole in the trashbag!!! toss the light kitty-litter carton up in the air, FLIP it upside-down to put in the save bin like a circus performer...

Wim Wenders: taken from us too soon. ironically YOU were the one who had to become an angel. you were too beautiful to remain human.

Solveig Dommartin: i can now be alone in the world, with you. 

A CRACK IN THE ABSURD: BRAINY SMURF IS YOUR DORMMATE

Brainy Smurf and i walk under the hallowed green-pumice gates of Berkeley onto the cobblestone campus. we're both nervous.

me: do you know how hard it is to come back to school after 20 years away just to complete a couple classes to get that last half-semester to graduate?

Brainy Smurf: that's nothing, my whole reputation precedes me!!! if i'm not smart HERE i'm not smart anywhere!!! i can't go back to Smurf Village with my nubby tail between my buttcheeks.

me: it's just like high school. who do you have for Organic Chemistry?

Brainy: Vic Tayback.

me: oh yeah i remember him. the baldie with the havanas.

Brainy: when you're in Office Hours with him the entire hour that small room is FILLED with cigar smoke.

me: that's so you can only see his beady eyes, not his bald head. 

Brainy: hey that's MY cartoon thing!!!

Brainy: what's the organic chemistry of smoke?

me: smoke is magic. ask a dark wizard.

Brainy: i want to make Papa Smurf proud. Papa came to Berkeley when he had brown hair. his only desire on campus was to make the green gates blue pumice. but he got involved with a hippie chick who REALLY wanted to be a mother, an EARTH mother, they had 100 children, Papa birthed Smurf Village instead.

me: you'll ace Organic Chemistry once you fuck your soulmate.

Brainy: speaking of, i had a date with Smurfette at Robert Reich's coffee klatch. she said i was sweating profusely. i wasn't nervous over some dumb girl, i was nervous over hard education!!! Smurfette said she wouldn't see me again unless i changed my name to Sweaty Smurf.

Freddy Krueger: A Nightmare on Elm Street is the perfect Halloween movie, look at my face, i look like a scarecrow...

The All-American Rejects: when you think of our music, you think of Hayden Panettiere. let us pray.

peanut butter smoothie: don't drink this. peanut butter was never meant to be DRUNK.

Chad Reynolds, new Prime Minister of Canada: gotta give us back our hockey sticks. we invented ice hockey.

Trump: China invented hockey...

Chad: and our tongue depressors. we do NOT trust your doctor. is that a tan or a bullet wound?

Trump: the world is counting down the days when i become a lame duck...

Chad: we need the hockey sticks, we're doing a Flash Forward reboot...

Eckhart Tolle: they call me a teacher. that's it, just a teacher. isn't that cool?

Radiohead: fake plastic trees.

Rush: gotta get back to real trees. real trees are spooky in a forest at night.

Freddie Mercury: Shudder to Think, the first band since Queen with a gay-man lead singer who stopped giving a fuck.

Craig Wedren: not gay but thanks for caring, sir. we both had theatrical voices.

Freddie: circus voices. you guys were Nirvana but a bit OFF.

Craig: we were just trying to be the Queensryche of the East.

Egon from the Ghostbusters: i eerily have an Egon Schiele face...

MD: a doctor in Maryland.

Jen R: ...

Wings of Desire: even an angel calls him an idiot cop!!!

Entertainment Tonight: we are in the business of moving on...

Pac-Man in Variety (1983): really disheartening to enter a porn theater and hear the arcade Pac-Man sounds...

The Weather Channel: we can't hide it any longer, we are a Republican channel...

Shudder to Think: we're if the show Lexx was a band...

Vertical Horizon: we're Shudder to Think without the makeup.

Medieval times: you either wore a gown, a tunic, or a robe if you were a wizard or monk.

Medieval women: we withered while wearing a nightdress...

Erin Hershey Presley: yeah i did Real World: Seattle. i sprungboard off that and landed Port Charles...

'70s motels: converted cinder-block prisons...

it's been a long first day and i'm tired. i walk out the gates with Gargamel.

me: i saw you eating a blue sandwich. please tell me that was a moldy turkey sandwich.

Gargamel: that was lunch.........it was a blueberry sandwich...

me: you ate Brainy Smurf.

Gargamel puts his robed arm on my backpacked shoulder.

Gargamel: if it makes you feel any better, you now get an automatic 4.0... 

 

A CRACK IN THE ABSURD: SPAGHETTI SONG/VAPORWAVE HUMIDIFIER

 

me: i've been invited to a wedding. i don't think i'm going.

Jen R: who's getting hitched?

me: you know, THAT friend. that's mutual between us?

Jen: wow, i never thought anyone would take a chance on him. makes sense, we're both happy for both men. you have to go.

me: i haven't been to ANY event in like 30 years. you think i own a pink tux?

Jen: just go in a T-shirt and jeans. wear your prom corsage in case they run out of flowers.

me: i'm gonna call and cancel. i'll tell him i don't go to places. i don't go to things.

Jen: come on, it won't be that bad. i'll go with you. i'll hide in the water fountain.

at the reception, Dave Mirra wearing a skate shirt in the Sprite green-and-blue colors and yellow BMX shorts takes out his acoustic guitar and starts singing "On Top of Spaghetti."

when he gets to the sneezing the meatball off the plate part Jen and i can't hold it in any longer and we start bustin' laughing our heads off.

Sabrina Pasterski: i'm gonna finally figure out the meaning of life. my two best friends are Sabrina Curzi and Summer Sanders. i'm not the female Einstein, i'm one-upping Einstein here!!! yes i like pastrami sandwiches. i want only Anya Taylor-Joy to play me in the movie...

Glaceau Smartwater: those futuristic silver tall bottles are cool, they're finally making stuff that's Jetsons, that's the Radiohead "Fake Plastic Trees" music video...

David Amell: i was like married to Jennifer Aniston for a while after Brad or something?...

Puck from Real World: i don't need Car Week to be a man, i'm a modern mailman, it's in the name.

Eckhart Tolle: see? i was RIGHT about how reality REALLY is!!! it's all New Age. the toll it took on my family tho...

Gene Rayburn provides the entertainment for the halftime show of the church ceremony.

Gene Rayburn: why are you taking 15 minutes to write an answer, Charles?

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm writing my Broadway debut.........don't worry, i have an answer for your BLANK.

Gene: DO IT THEN!!! THIS IS SCHOOL!!!

Gene: we provide TWO black marker pens so there's no excuse...

Brett Somers: that Phil the Pill, that guy is a ginger prevert kissing all the women on the panel like that. i don't trust his Beavis hair. he has a crush on me which makes me worried for me, not him. he's the first contestant to kiss the OTHER contestant after winning Match Game!!!

Jen R: i took some of that dentist novocaine and i was Bjork's husband on her island for 30 years. i was out for 30 minutes.

Bjork: i'm your dentist. does your mouth taste like bubblegum?...

Nickelodeon live-action shows in the '90s: earthy.

Disney live-action shows in the '90s: gritty.

both channels: let's finally explore 8th Grade...

Michael Weiss: i just wanna talk to MY PEOPLE. okay? not my family, not my coworkers, just MY PEOPLE.

at The Big Spin with Geoff Edwards.

me: i have cum in my ear.

Liza: no, that's just suntan lotion. weird compliment.

Studmuffin: but i'm a gay man...

Brooke Trantor: ...

rose wine: it's not pink lemonade...

Flash Forward: Disney Degrassi.

Ms. Krause: the school play in 8th Grade is ALWAYS Excalibur...

Monterey Peninsula College: you too can be a dinner-theatre wizard for a living...

Jen R: did you spring for a wedding gift?

me: hell no, i don't have that kind of money. in summer.

Jen: let's go to Best Buy, i have the perfect gift with your name on it.

we get to Best Buy and Jen hugs the blue cardboard box of a humidifier.

Jen: not ANY humidifier, a Vaporwave humidifier. its pipe shoots out actual vapors that go into your nostrils instead of filling up the ceiling in a thin layer. those vapors create sounds in your brain, beat patterns that can only be made electronically...

me: i need one for ME, not THEM!!!

Jen: okay fine. 

me: you're the best.

Jen: i'm like Best Buy.

A CRACK IN THE ABSURD: THE BIG SPIN WITH GEOFF EDWARDS

 

we're in the small studio audience.

me: i really want to fuck you.

Liza from Safeway: thank you. i think. but i'm with Mary Ann.

me: she doesn't have to know. one-time frogging?

Liza: that's just not how people are, you know?

me: i really like when you wear that Freddy Krueger sweater at Safeway, it makes you soft and approachable.

Liz: thank you. weird compliment.

Geoff Edwards: a tennis teacher from Encino Hills, let's all welcome Mary Ann Caliento!!!

Mary Ann walks out onto the small stage with the small wheel in her Jem hair.

Liza: woot!!!

Liza tosses the bell necklace around her neck over to her beloved and it lands in the bird's-nest of Mary Ann's Jem hair.

Mary Ann: just like we practiced, babe, high volley. that's my lesbian lover in the audience. she didn't make any banners.

Geoff: this is California in the '80s, we're all cool with that. we know. we know how life is out here.

me: who gave you that silver necklace?

Liza: from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Julian Schnabel was handing these out like candy in front of the indie movie theater when we had nothing to do over the Christmas holiday so we went to see it. he's not really an asshole, he's just always hard up.

sticky rice: don't go ruining perfectly-good steamed rice.

soy sauce: pass me down the DARK stuff, not the regular soy sauce... 

Michael Weiss: you won't have much of a life if you start doing Instagram...

the 1985 Pan Pacific Championships: this happened, but there's NOT ONE photo of this event anywhere on the internet simply for recordkeeping.

gyro: it's just a folded pizza.

Andiroo: i know i called Foo Fighters "Best of You" SIMPLE, but who else do you know who two-steps to Fleetwood Mac "Gypsy"?

Santa Claus: why would you want to know the sex of your baby six months before it's born? i'm dead, that is the only true surprise that remains in life!!!

Erling Haaland: look at my face. i know i look like a North London cocaine kingpin but i've never touched the stuff.

Greta Garbo: i was a lifelong bachelor. Bogart was taken so i had to wait for Clooney.

Humphrey Bogart: stop taking my cigarette, Garbo!!!

Greta: but i wasn't a confirmed bachelor.

Charles Nelson Reilly: yes you were, you liked Marilyn Monroe.

Greta: i thought she was Swedish!!!

dishwasher: that first minute, that water smells so bad.

Tovala babe: i'm not Melissa Maker nor Caitlin Clark. my melon tits only come out when i'm reading or stirring dinner with a wooden spoon. EXTREMELY expensive take-out that's been sitting hours in some dude's car. it doesn't help that the dude is my ex. 

nuns: not Huns.

The Adventures of Pete & Pete: The Wonder Years for the Nickelodeon crowd...

Wheels from Degrassi representing The N: remember when life was innocent? everyone had a mom, everyone had a dad, everyone had an annoying little sister. everyone had a crush on the girl next door who played adult Jesus in the school play. everyone lived in the suburbs. everyone put a scoop of ice cream in their bowl of cereal each morning for breakfast. nobody thought life was any other way...

Claude from Degrassi: brothers who are kind to each other? unheard of.

Michael Stipe: what did i do on my summer vacation? made an album, it was too hot to tour. 

Car Week: the only week young short Asian men have a chance. twentysomething men in shorts and sandals milling around in awkward circles aimlessly on a highway street corner hoping to catch a phone glimpse of a sports car they'll never own. wondering if this is what life is for them: eternal tribalism. wondering if this is the only way they can learn to be a man now in this Trump society. wondering if they can still take on the mantle of the bicycle messenger who delivers cartoon-show blueprints in cardboard cylinders while wearing a cool fatigue-brown bomber jacket. fuck you, Car Week. 

Hilo: it's pronounced EE-Low.

Gilligan: ...

Tsitsipas: my ranking dropped because i'm Ollie Wride so i had to start working on my first true Vaporwave album...

Josh Grisetti in the dentist chair: like you, i experienced hallucinations when the dentist gave me that strangely soothing novocaine. i must have been out for hours or minutes. when i emerged from my coma i had a brace around my neck, a full homeless beard, and i was all like, "oh shit, i'm in the met-God genre now..." 

Mary Ann spins the wheel forcefully. as the wheel turns...

Geoff Edwards: anybody out there in TV land you want to say hi to? any celebrity clients?

Mary Ann: i'd just like to tell John McEnroe that if he says that thing about me on TV i'm coming for him.

the little white ping-pong ball falls OUT of the wheel well but Mary Ann quickly gets it back in there by taking out her tennis racquet from out her buttpocket and slicing the ball back in. 

Geoff: and the ball finally lands on.........$2000.

Mary Ann: ALL THAT INCONVENIENT TRAVEL ON A HOT HIGHWAY for $2000? i make more in a single tennis lesson. the parents of my kids are TERRIFIED they'll end up a society rebel like Andre Agassi.

Liza: i did a 23andMe on me, quick prick in the back of my ear. no more spaghetti-slurping for me, i'm not really Italian!!! my grandpa must have had an affair with a French floozie.

me: i'd really like to stay and hear more of your stories but i can't live in Sacramento, no one can.