MACY'S IN THE '80s: REDKEN ERRAND

 

Jen R: so i need to get some Redken for my hair. it's the '80s and we're going to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

me: are you sure i'm not dreaming?

Jen: yes.

me: yes what?

Jen: you're not dreaming.

me: it's just this is what i imagine the perfect day for me would be. this is me in Heaven.

Jen: tagging along with me to do a boring errand?

me: exactly. 

we open the heavy Macy's doors to the expansive perfumed amphitheater inside. Videl is the makeup girl behind the glass cubes.

Jen: i haven't see this flavor of Redken shampoo before.

Videl: this is my own brand. 

Jen: a woman selling her OWN shampoo not part of a company? in the '80s? unheard of!!!

Videl: Videl's Magic Hair, it turns your short haircut back long when your boyfriend dumps you.

Jen: i knew Gohan was a jerk!!! wanna talk about it?

Videl: NO!!! 

Jen: is Satan a good listener?

Videl: yes.

Bjork: are you in pain? Icelandic mussels won't help. only my music will help. i'm a skinny sprite.

White Palace.

James Spader: they got the order wrong. i hate when they get the order wrong. they put cheese in the burgers. who eats cheese on burgers?

Susan Sarandon: i got my revenge for not being in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

Kal Penn: where have i been? no one knows. when i was working for Obama i had no IDEA the world would end up like THIS. White Castle sliders are concentrated salt pucks. you forgot that i killed myself on House...

James: for the record, thirtysomething is a boring show...

Gina Gershon: so Stephanie Deluc ends up being a better match for Max despite the smugness. they only argue over mustard on burgers. i'm not bitter...

Susan: yuppies are in St. Louis?...

Nora: Mr. Sterile here is reporting a robbery.

Jen R: that's what people in the '90s did: work at some greasy spoon till 5 in the afternoon, go to a bar till midnight, one-night stand, call their mother on Sunday.

Nora: look at that face!!! has anybody ever told you you look like Jason from Friday the 13th?

Max: the TV show?

Nora: you have that LEAN muscle like those Hungarian swimmers with the bubblegum arms.

God: most people react to death by laughing...

Nora: oooh, so chivalrous how you buckle me up, fasten my seatbelt over my big tits, so BDSM.

Max: no smoking in the car, see that New Car Smell air-freshener tree dangling from my rearview mirror? let it do its work.

Madame Pons: now that's a WOMAN's bathroom: mint-chocolate-chip tub, 10 upright vibrators, 10 vibrator-shaped bottles of shampoo, and an Egyptian cat statue.

Jen R: i've never vomited while i was smoking a cigarette...

Max: wait, my soulmate never gave me fellatio...

Nora: that was passionate sex? that was painful sex.

Pope Leo: dude, don't smell her vibrator, that's creepy.

Jen R: that answering-machine message was so WARM, so BEAUTIFUL!!! oh. that's how dating was in the '90s, you had to lay out your feelings on a phone message, it was so simple, so tender. 

dad: a woman who likes Schumann? snatch her before it's too late!!!

Father Navin: like having dirty thoughts at church. mine tend to involve chocolate.

Nora: did you know the Greeks invented the vacuum cleaner? i'm a 40-year-old woman, i'm old enough to remember when Ring Dings were wrapped in FOIL. so they didn't need a coaster. my place isn't dirty, it's kitschy. i am not a fan of RL Stine.

Jen R: i want to get my hair right for the new guy.

me: you have a new man?

Jen: of course, it's me. i do the same things with him we used to do together. you know like settling into bed over the text-phone at 7 PM for me, 4 PM for you. watching a little vintage SNL, Portlandia, and Emergency!. talking about cereal. how i'm not allowed to buy cereal.

me: what's your obsession with that Emergency! show?

Jen: i trust TV over RFK Jr. when it comes to home remedies.

me: i hope you know what you said about the other man really REALLY hurt me. i recognize you're an EXTRAORDINARY woman who will have many many many lovers. i only ask to be one of them. i can only hope to SHARE you. if you have 7 men, let me be 1 of 7.

Jen: like that Jeri Ryan Star Trek character?

Larry serenades his grocery customers at his Safeway checkout conveyor belt, he sings Warren G's "Regulate."

Larry: see my gat exploded. but then i went back into freak mode and my dick exploded. now watch this, listen to this, i'm gonna sing Eastside Motel with that Nate Dogg RESONANT HARMONY...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i only wear socks when i'm going to the bathroom.

Jacques Pepin: every word i say sounds like "massage."

Tai: ...

Tai: remember, i'm a Level 2 Reiki healer so i take no guff, my words are magic, my touch moves mountains.

LSDream: LSD dream: laser dream

Hayao Miyazaki: okay so i kinda BORROWED Falkor. except my Falkor is a dragon...

Marilyn Monroe: why didn't i end up a '50s happy housewife?...

Greykid: chartreuse eyes...

Jeff Baena and Nicky Katt: we were supposed to be Pillars of Light...

vibratory: not involving a vibrator...

Savannah Bananas baseball: if baseball was WWF wrestling.

Club World Cup: the type of specific soccer tournament someone like Serano would watch...

Jeff Bezos/Lauren Sanchez wedding: the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in real life...

Cafe Coffee: really, Kiss Me Kate? Cafe Coffee? ANYTHING ELSE would have been more creative. Beanpot. Beanpot for the coffee shoppe.

Kiss Me Kate: British Seinfeld with a female Jerry...

fortnight: only happened at a tavern in Shakespearean times...

Brad Pitt: F1 in the future will have no pit stops, all four tires will be changed DURING the race...

the last day on Earth: China and the U.S. trading bunker-buster bombs in the sky as woolly mammoths roam the land below...

Fareed Zakaria: i lead a charmed life. i go from one Ideas Festival to another in ski boots.

Data: you may experience the emptiness with me if you wish.

Geordi La Forge: you just obliterated your philosophical argument, my robot friend.

Data: i'm an android, not a cyborg. 

Geordi: i used to have a jheri curl...

Tijuana: where you go for Bible study...

hobbits: the Bilbo baked potato is good. with Shire chives.

King Charles: i'm a compassionate king, Trump's a wannabe king.

Main Street Electric Parade: your first jolt of Disney magic.

Kurt Cobain: i saw Darryl Strawberry at the same Rome rehab center i was in a week before. 

Darryl Strawberry: dirty urine samples are so '90s. 

Bob Forrest: i was there, too. as Darryl's counselor. 

Kurt: you're a drug counselor? i thought you were in a band...

Bob Forrest: Darryl and i had a breakthrough when Darryl admitted to me he watched the movie D.A.R.Y.L. against his mother's wishes.

Advil: we made the U.S. Men's Soccer Team good...

Topanga: why you savaging Boy Meets World on Yahoo?...

college: you really DON'T have the month of June off...

Nobodyman: nothing dumber than hanging up on a woman.

Jen R: right? especially if it's a rotary phone.

Jen R: well i gotta try out my new shampoo don't i?

me: where?

Jen: when in doubt, go down the Macy's escalator.

we descend to the 3rd Floor. Jen casually takes her clothes off.

me: wait, i've always wanted to say this to a woman: take yer kit off...

Jen saunters big-toe-first into one of the massive light-blue walkaround showers.

Jen: it's fun doing a walkabout in here.

me: how are you so casual being naked in public?

Jen: i'm not. have you taken a look around? nobody is here. nobody is EVER on the Basement Floor of a Macy's at 3 PM...

 

  

 

CONSORTIUM: THE HALLMARK EXPERIENCE

 

Jen and i are at the Hallmark Experience in Calgary. 

Jen R: exotic. all the storefront facades in the middle of the blue lake.

me: this is supposed to be Anytown, USA?

Kramer: it's too early for Christmas, man!!!

Lacey Chabert, Sami Brady from Days of our Lives, and Cameron Mathison come onto the stage not locked arm-in-arm.

Jen: the crowd is cheering Lacey, drooling Cameron, and booing Sami.

Lacey Chabert: welcome, all our fans!!! 

Sami: there's at least 100 people in the crowd, right? otherwise we can't renew the venue license.

Cameron: we your beloved Hallmark Channel stars owe our immense wealth to all you housewives out there wasting your lives away!!! thank you from the bottom of our hearts and tits.

Cameron: ready to play some romance trivia on the jumbotron? i am the game-show master after all.

Jaleel White: that would be ME, holmes. why did YOUR game show get a feature in TV Guide but mine didn't?!!! my show has flavor, your show has a bridge. do your contestants touch their toes?

Melissa Maker: my toes are TOASTY.

Sami: what is this shit?

Cameron: ping-pong balls in fishbowls, animal-crackers cannabis, live yogurt, that sort of thing.

Bandon: the candy better be good this year. last year they had those Reese's Lava Cups. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE. the "lava" was not HOT, the lava did not FLOW, the lava did not MELT, it was just a chocolate-syrup DOT.

i give Jen a genuine hug.

Jen R: anytime. you know i can get you tickets to ANY event, show, or backstage foaming you'll ever want to go to. i have a guy...

Tuesday morning: when Safeway restocks...

Greek bartender: you forget i was a character on Kiss Me Kate...

Luna as Princess Kaguya: i human-kissed David Bowie...

Florida Panthers: we're robots.

the '20s: NOBODY thinks the 2020s...

Jen is checking out the Lorax's butt.

Jen R: the Once-ler, Onceler, sounds like a Rolex.

me: Dr. Seuss did psychedelics with Timothy Leary.

Jen: back in their university days when they were known as Tim & Ted.

dying car: only solution is a flying car...

Sami: shut up. imma slap all yo faces. you don't think a brat like Sami Brady from Days of our Lives can have her own romance movie?

crowd: NO!!! not really. 

Lacey Chabert: just take this tupperware of spaghetti and leave the stage, dude.

Sami: i'm coming for you, Lucky Lacey. i WILL get my revenge...

Jaleel White reading James Joyce on the Flip Side set: yeah that's right, lady, laugh during the lightning round, you wasted time, you lost, you didn't get the $10,000, but it was worth it, that laughter cured your mother's breast cancer...

summer: go to 2 concerts, that's it.

1970s MAD Magazine: the ULTIMATE in dankness.

Claudine Pepin: fuck i put pitted cherries in the food processor.

Jacques Pepin: Connecticut country is cringe.

James Cameron: playing Space Gun, the only arcade cabinet in the lobby of the movie theater waiting for Aliens to start. 1989, good times...

monks: can you persevere?

Jen R: like hell he can.

me: St. Mary's Monastery, Mass in Massachusetts...

Coldplay: Diet Radiohead.

Christmas trees: are made of rosemary...

Jacques Pepin: cut yourself.

Claudine: ...

Jacques: cut yourself a piece of meat.

one-night stand: kinda died off after the '90s...

Leslie Sbrocco: you're me as a Safeway checkout woman. you're me if i never went to college at food school.

Monica Pro: you're out of line, lady. now get out of line and let the rest of the customers through.

Leslie: the only reason to go to a grocery store is for wine. 

Monica: you're jealous of me.

Leslie: i am. the normal life. the normal level-house in Watsonville. the NORMAL white dog named Falkor.

Monica: Siberian Husky. 

Leslie: we coulda been happy together.

Monica: we're too similar. did you find everything okay today?

Leslie: i only wanted to find YOU!!!

Suzy Lu: so Android 18 is a cyborg, not an android? fine, whatever, i don't remember what i ate for breakfast this morning much less some minute detail in a stupid anime...

mouse: imagine ALL the batteries it would have taken if you didn't have a plug...

Brett Somers and Jack Klugman: we were Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf in real life...

Jen R: okay let's all settle down, mount up, and calm.

me: yeah, i got the perfect script i'm writing in my head for a new Hallmark Channel movie all of us can act in. it's called Covid Lucky, it's about two respiratory patients in a hospital fighting for their lives during covid who find each other. mostly because they're in the same hospital room.

Jen: the two hospital patients are an impossibly good-looking man and an impossibly good-looking woman. wait did you have me in mind to play lead actress? i wouldn't need to act.

me: see for most of us covid exacerbated our loneliness. but for the chosen few, some people found their soulmate during covid!!! because they were forced to share tight living quarters inside with them, there was nothing to do but spend time with a stranger, a LOT of time. 

Sami: guys, i'm sorry. i just really need a change of scenery, Deidre Hall is constantly on my puss.

Jen: you just won a family trip to Copenhagen, the world's best city to live in!!!

Sami: holy shit, things like this never happen to me!!! i'm the bad luck girl. i just wish i had a family.

Lacey Chabert: take this tupperware of danishes and stuff your face. eat.

Sami: pray, love?...

Lacey: just eat.

CONSORTIUM: FULL-MOON FUCKING

 

Jen and i cross a very important threshold in our relationship.

Jen R: you see that The Barnyard in white letters spraypainted at the foot of the garden-path entrance?

me: never noticed that before.

Jen: you step on the N of The Barnyard, i'll step on the Y of The Barnyard, NY, New York, New York City, NYC, that's our final destination, our place of destiny, where the soap operas get made!!!

Jen R: you wanna trip with me?

me: both meanings.

Jackie Fitzgerald and Blond Rambo are at Tai's place. place of work.

Jackie Fitzgerald: yeah the two of us thought we'd have our first date at a massage parlor.

Jen R: what? haven't you two fucked?

Blond Rambo: it was better for me.

Jackie: yes we did but we both never really got around to having a first proper romantic date, you know?

Jen: okay it's just, look, i gotta say it, i mean you're not seriously contemplating having a child with Blond Rambo, are you?!!!

Blond Rambo: look at me. look at my long straight blond locks. that would be silly. i'm the boy toy, i get it. i'll burn out soon instead of smoking a dad pipe.

Jackie: no respectable father rides a motorcycle. not even John Goodman on Roseanne.

Bandon: so i saw a man carrying a LONG POLE WITH A HOOK at the gas station. scared me to think what that tool is used for over here.

Goku: sorry, that was my Power Pole, i'm always losing that thing.

Kevin Durant in a Knicks jersey: Stephen A blocked me...

Bill & Ted Face the Music.

saving reality: there's no world without reality.

hopscotch: it's not solitaire, dude.

St. Cyril's: remember tetherball in the '80s?

Jen R: that yellow volleyball on a string, that pole stuck to a LARGE tire, so many hits to the head, so many concussions.

me: i always jump-roped over the string.

daughters: dads, wait outside, this is our franchise now.

Mark Blatty: remember plaid long-sleeved shirts wrapped around your waist with jeans? the skater look.

Death: fame is intoxicating. fame makes you immortal.

Neo: why couldn't MY Underground be this goofy?

MP46: where all the MP3s went.

Mark Hapka: 11:11 minutes left.

Dennis Caleb McCoy the robot: i wanna be Death's Data, not his Lore, i'm good now.

Michael Stipe: it's the "Everybody Hurts" freeway...

The Great Leader: and just where are you thinking of going?

me: away from reality, Britain, Canada, or Colombia.

Lars von Trier: that's no moon...

Washed Out: hey, the ending is a musical collage of rocking out all over the world like my "Too Late" music video.

Jen R: hello, husband. i wish i saw this in a theater during covid...

Hollywood: why do all grips have nicknames?...

me: i need to do a Bill & Ted on my life. i need to take the time-traveling phone booth back to when i still had that WONDERFUL shoebox apartment on Telegraph Avenue. i know now that the only way i can become an adult is to STAY IN BERKELEY!!!

Jen R: game for a matinee?

me: sure. when you go with someone a matinee isn't so loserish.

the Largo strip club is in the middle of The Barnyard.

Richard Dawson, coughing constantly: a sight for sore eyes. a beaut. it's a perfect preservation of the Largo from the '70s. a strip club on the Sunset Strip, perfect. people have been forgetting history. the history of sex. the slide into senility and authoritarianism. 

Charles Nelson Reilly smoking a dad pipe: Faith. Hope. Charity. i introduced Richard to these three dancing girls.

Jen: i gotta admit, i never thought i'd see a strip club in the middle of a mall. now that i think about it, that's what malls were missing in the '80s, they had the arcade and the movie theater but they needed a strip club.

me: that would have been so '80s.

Jen after 45 minutes: so yeah, it's weird but burlesque is boring to me...

Kochanski: where's my wedding on Fiji?

Lister: wasn't in the Cat Bible...

Iran: oh you ain't typing that story THIS week...

AARP: you can FINALLY try Outback Steakhouse!!!

the first year of ESPN: we only showed American Gladiators...

Finn: draw my sword? that's what i did in that pilot episode of Adventure Time.

Jake: art AND unsheath. 

Lorna Cartwright: do you remember your first drink? then it wasn't your first drink...

me: why can't i reach you on the phone?

Jen R: my telephone's on vibrate.

Desiguales: if you don't exercise with your wife, you WILL get a divorce.

George Jetson: isn't it better having driverless cars? i talk LOUD AND ANNOYING in my flying car. about why Rick Dees has a longer peoplemover in his bedroom than me...

female tennis player: i'm hot enough to be a tennis player, but am i hot enough to be a chair umpire?...

Lucille Ball in the '50s: i really don't need to be wearing a bullet bra...

Jen R: if you're married, kiss. if you're dating, hug.

Sailor Moon S: our Christmas episode was about the Messiah.........awakening the Messiah of Silence...

Videl with short hair: do you know how long it takes for a woman to grow her hair long?!!! TWO YEARS!!! yeah. yeah. men don't know that.

Kryten: what the FUCK is the Red Dwarf theme song about, sirs?

Rimmer: those lyrics are bollocks. pure poppycock.

Cat: i wear clothes.

Lister: the theme song is about me in Fiji...

Jen pops her head out of the Thunderbird Bookshop.

Jen R: come on in, i signed us up for the Hallmark Experience.

me: OMG!!!

Jen: right? long line in the shape of an amazon bird but it was worth it.

Orson Bean in line: it's impossible to be happy like i was!!! you can't do it!!!

Don DeLillo in line holding the book of White Noise: critics called me the '80s Faulkner not as a compliment...

Naruto: Nature. my clone is in line...

Aubrey Plaza in line: depression is not low sodium. i'm on drugs.........depression meds. they ain't doing a damn thing. my malt-vinegar chips make me happier than these fucking pills.

Walton Goggins: hey, Aubrey Plaza, i'm here for you, i know what you're going through, i'm always just a phone call away...

Sami Brady from Days of our Lives comes out of the tiny door in the side of the bookshop near the Thunder Fountain, the Thunder Totem that spits water at passing bookbuyers.

Sami Brady: well all you fat fucks, i have the winner. going to Canada are Jen R and you.

Jen and i lock fingers, jump up and down with red faces, and pee in our pants simultaneously in exasperated joy.

Sami Brady: Canada, where the REAL soap operas get made!!!

CONSORTIUM: THE LADY WHO LIVED AT THE GAS STATION

 

Bandon hurries along before anyone can spot her. she always has two GIANT bags in her hand, and WALKS at 50 mph. her head juts out like a turtle as she walks all around the Safeway parking lot.

Bandon: really KILLER on my back to walk this way. my back is a jagged lightning fork.

me: why do you do this, man?

Bandon: HEY fellow bum!!!

Jen R: one word: Hempvana. what's in the bag? bags? you know what, doesn't matter, the bags themselves are the glory items. Nintendo Store and Cracker Barrel which will soon be owned by UPN, most excellent.

across the street from us is The Barnyard and Tai's massage parlor of course.

Luke Russert: is news a thing anymore in this world?

Tai: oh my GODDESS!!! i thought you were dead, dude. where the FUCK have you been?

Luke: no idea. but i like the taste of leaves now.

Tai: massage for old times' sake?

Luke: be where your feet are.

Tai: pertinent advice for the world now. said by Buddha when he was a woman. that doesn't mean you can cum on my bare feet.

Luke: about Buddha's pedi, a pedicure he got in his pedicab human-powered by his own grandmother who got a bad back. but isn't this Nuru massage?

Tai: yes but i'm actually following the ancient tradition, it has nothing to do with a happy ending. it's SLIPPERY as in we wrap our naked bodies in one roll of nori seaweed. no sex, just therapy.

monk: do you know why i'm happy? i have my personal space...

Bill & Ted Face the Music.

Ben 10: be excellent to each other.

Orion Pictures: we're still around?

Kurt Cobain: was the Nevermind cassette tape ever slapped with a 99-cents sticker?

Jen R: Pee-wee Herman was my dad but he was Andy Kaufman's daddy...

song that unites the world: the meaning of meaning. it's Buddhist jazz.

Trump: i didn't unite the world, but 2-dollar T.A.C.O. night did.

Neo: only Neo can defeat me.

dressing like A Clockwork Orange: wealth.

Ted and Neo: whoa.

porn star: what are Bill & Ted doing in my mansion?...

Ling Lun: i invented music.

Grom: my niece is gonna drum for Lenny Kravitz.

2001: A Space Odyssey nursing home: give yourself a hug. can you kiss yourself? ever since Billy Idol rockers like applesauce. 

white robot: prediction: i'm Bill & Ted's robot form, right?...

British wives in couples therapy: maybe you'd be happier with Valley Girls. you are after all the ultimate Valley Boys.

Bill & Ted: we slept overnight on the roof of the Sherman Oaks Galleria...

Bandon comes into the little store by the gas station with the bell tinker.

Bandon to the counter: my whole life i've wanted to die.

counter: see anything you like this evening, Bandon?

Bandon: my bed is those silver hot-dog rollers. secret massage. secret back massage. keep them cold for me, Rene Smith.

counter: my name is Terry Terwilliger. 

Bandon: out of bacon again?

counter: just grill some salami, same thing.

Jen R: grill those thin salami circles outdoors.

Aubrey Plaza comes in with a sullen look screwed to her pretty face.

Aubrey Plaza: now that i'm actually gonna be depressed FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, not for show for the TV cameras, i need malt-vinegar chips. give me all those little packets of Cape Cod malt-vinegar kettle potato chips you keep here in the store, that's all i'll eat now.

Bandon: you can't blame yourself.

Jen: so many of my friends have gone that way.

Aubrey: it's just.........it lasts a LONG time. you can't take the decision back. do another decision, do another path. maybe if we did indie films about Christian witches instead. maybe if i slipped in there that the breakup was a joke as i continued talking to him post-breakup.

Baena: hey, you're kinda cute. one date? please? how do you achieve such a great tan? i thought tans were a thing of the '80s, people still get tans?

Aubrey: well i happen to be the sunscreen queen of Delaware.........damn you.

gym: nobody is ever exercising at 4 PM...

elders: wisdom. like teeth. easy.

platinum ginger from Ohio: our first date was a barcade.

Swee'Pea as a man: we played that arcade game Tapper.

platinum ginger: i kicked your ass. no tap-her for you until you learn to beat me in games.

Swee'Pea as a man: that won't happen until this baby turns 100.

Jack Draper: the British Isner...

Lister: i'm only humming i mean i'm only human.

Sesame Street galactic pinball song: 123456789-10-11-12, we don't count to 13 because that would be unlucky...

Rimmer: imagine if after 50 years of Lister whinging over Kochanski, she ends up with me...

Chloe Annett: why aren't i in Fiji right now?...

Suzy Lu: apparently i DO have tits!!! 

Finn the dog: the three Finn legends: Huckleberry, the guy from Adventure Time, and me.

Tom Brokaw: when i was a young man i looked like Tucker Carlson. that scared the FUCK out of me so i fucking RAN to NBC News.

Novak: Done With Djokovic, i keep seeing these signs everywhere around the grassy grounds at Wimbledon.

Bublik: those aren't tattoo sleeves on my arms, Putin spilled crypto oil on my arms, Fuck Putin.

Emma Raducanu: i'm a jock.

Sunny Hostin: my favorite Death Note character was L, he was so cute in a creepy way. the eyes, right?

Debbie Matenopoulos: sorry about that, my walnuts always get me in trouble. 

Disney: we don't do a lot right, but we have the best nurses.

Jillian Clare: i wish i had Carrie Coon's career...

Instagram: have you noticed your smart friends you knew in the '80s, their brains in 2025 have turned to mush?...

Dressrosa: the Birdcage is turning into.........string cheese...

Lister: be sure the cigarette is lit on the OTHER side when you stick it in your ear.

Kochanski: that makes for some kinky sex.

me: would perseverance work?

Jen R: ask me in five years.

NBA Finals: what's more interesting, Game 7 or WWIII?

life hack: hike.

Phil Frame: i'm gay, but i'll marry a woman before you do.

me: ...

me: there's no place to thank you on Instagram. this man gave me HOPE as i watched infomercials at 2 AM on a Sunday morning. that i could still take money from the government to be somebody.

Matthew Lesko: look at me. look at my face. look at my face before you look at my wizard zoot suit. my wacky hair has grayed. surely you can tell I am not AI...

McRib: shouldn't i be a summer sandwich? you know? summer barbecue?...

Lazarus: we like everyone else so wanted Hillary Clinton to win...

Xena Warrior Princess: every actor gets in the business so they can do a fun whimsical sunny detective series like My Life Is Murder...

TOM of Toonami aboard the Absolution: this is all you get now if you're missing Red Dwarf the ship...

we follow Bandon around the parking lot.

me: i'm uncomfortable spying without my Billie Jean binoculars.

Jen: the woman has eyes in the back of her head!!! she walks speedily carrying two bags for boulders like a chicken with her head cut off!!! the zigzag pattern is fascinating.

she walks all the way to the glaringly white sidewalk strip of the Starbucks outside table in the center of the parking lot.

Bandon: HEY fellow writer!!!

me: oh yeah, now i'm piecing two and two together, you're the lady who writes her novel every 10 AM at the Starbucks side smoking a Belmondo and drinking a foamy French-accano. always working on that book taking out two sheafs of paper with writing on them from that one bag with 100 blank sheafs of paper. 

Jen: i didn't recognize you with your jogging pants on. your other bag is a typewriter.

me: what's your book about?

Bandon: you.