SEATTLE'S BEST: STAGE MAKEUP

 

in Seattle, Jackie Fitzgerald's daughter Kourtney is understudying under the inimitable Carly Severn. they're doing RoboCop: The Opera and The Ballet on wooden planks in the round surrounded by woods. 

Kourtney: is this gonna be severe tire damage?

Carly Severn: more like Moonlighting. you're a talented wordsmith but you freeze on stage. 

Kourtney: i keep my words to myself. why'd you leave San Francisco?

Carly: i couldn't compete with Leslie Sbrocco's tits. and my cancer cured up. plus i got sick of wearing those silly headscarfs. i wanted to be cancer-free as i shaved my head under the sun for something new so i moved to Seattle...

Walker bumbles down the sliver of a stagedoor onto the lit mirrors.

Kourtney: come on, dude!!! can you believe i'm seeing this Saiyan ape?

Carly: Walker was it? walk next time, don't stagecraft.

Walker: sorry ma'am, i get excited around actors. i take on their nervousness. what's in the three bowls?

Carly: why lime-green M&Ms, an IN N OUT burger, and the cancer pill. preparing to knock em dead?

Walker: no, i don't want to go back to prison.

Kourtney: ready for your bit part?   

Walker: yes ma'am. wait bit part or big part?

Walker puts on his galoshes while smoking Gauloises.

Jen R: Gauloises come from Maryland...

Walker: i can't pronounce that. i'm not cool like that animal Serge Gainsbourg, that tiger tempest in a teacup. can i just call these cigs fancy frenchies?

Carly: *staring at the cigarettes* gimme back my french fries!!!

a torn McDonald's bag lays bare on the sad stage floor.

Kourtney: you can't tell mom about us, okay?

Carly: wait you're fucking the daughter AND the mom?!!!

Walker: yeah, All in the Family, i did it as a tribute to Rob Reiner.

Carly: Billy Crystal did it better.

Edgar Allan Poe: everyone assumes i was from Baltimore but i really hail from Boston. i started the Boston accent...

Brett Somers: i like the Maine drawl better.

chocolate skin: Chi-town skin, sumptuous, essence. 

Basquiat: was i really the only black artist of note? that's a SAD commentary on society. creole, man, creole.

Survivor: how the fuck did this show survive for so long?!!!

me: do you know why we get along? you challenge me.

Jen R: to a game of foosball?

Krist Novoselic: i played a character named Jeff on As the World Turns, there wasn't internet back then but the world went NUTS when the writers wrote me off in a car accident.

Hillel Slovak: the Red Hot Chili Peppers were an '80s band...

Jen R: okay i discovered something i like more than Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

me: what.

Jen: ketamine cream.

Lucio Rossi: it doesn't matter, the fact is Italy beat the United States. IN BASEBALL!!! you can never take that away.

America: doesn't count, you were playing that Super Mario Baseball where Yoshi's bat is his tongue that stretches and wraps around the entire stadium.

China: we invented pizza...

Ronald McDonald: no the clown-alley burgers are in San Francisco...

Shamrock shake: the Grimace shake but green in the '80s...

Big Arch: it's mealy but pepper on the bun.

Ronald McDonald: we want it to be a meal, not mealy. we want our patrons to get value, not vomit.

Jalen Brunson: i'm Basquiat if he had lived and became a basketball player. with Benedict of the Bull...

Michael Jordan: ...

Michael Jordan: i could have been had on a streetball court...

soccer Spurs: we need to move to San Antonio...

Rebecca Lowe: i want to fuck Gary Neville but i can't do it at work. 

Gary Neville: in a Milan pub?

Trent Reznor: see kinda i want to is cool. if i had made it kind of i wanna, that would have been awkward.

Hugh Grant interviewing Timothee Chalamet on the Oscars Red Carpet.

Hugh Grant: who are you wearing?

Timothee Chalamet: bra.

Hugh: did you have to master the double reverse-inverse upside-down paddle grip for your latest picture?

Timothee: bro for the last time the movie is about ping pong. move on.

Hugh: i play pickleball. picture me on a pickleball court in the English countryside in my pickleball pants being grumpy.

George Clooney with a concerned look on his face gives George Pennacchio a bear hug.

George Clooney: don't kill yourself, George. we love you.

George Pennacchio: i know. it's just.........i get gloomy...

George Clooney: nobody cares about film anymore, i get it. life is shit now. we gotta get back to watching those international short films to learn life lessons about American life. we gotta carve some time out of the day, skip your kid's play to watch a movie.   

Geordie bird: a Newcastle lass who wears a visor...

Oscars: just eat popcorn for dinner, it'll be easier...

Hormel tamales: finger tamales.

Walker is at the footlights mirror in his jeans sweating into his golden mane.

Anthony Kiedis: it's more than just a read-through. study the stage. study the dimensions of the stage.

Carly: you look cute.

Kourtney: but i'm not wearing a costume.

Carly: you look like '80s club Madonna. oh yeah that's right, understudies will never get work as long as i'm alive. Walker i'd like you to meet Bob and Carol, the oldest married couple in the United States who still do theatre.

Walker: they look like my mom and dad.

Bob: the love of my life got me out of military service in WWII and for that i am eternally grateful.

Carol: i'm actually the SECOND love of his life. you know when we all die and go to heaven, i wonder about that, do you stay with your first or second love?

Bob: ALL em.

Carol: young man is that cum in your ear?

Walker: i'm not supposed to say.

Carly: no i was showing him how to apply stage makeup to his face.........he obviously failed his Hamnet audition...

WEDDING PRACTICE: I THINK OF YOU OFTEN

 

Jen R: ready for the party?

me: the practice is the party.

Jen: i think we got it all down. even Shakespeare was an advocate for the freeform style.

me: is the altar nailed down?

Jen: time for you to nail a commitment out of me.

me: what are we thinking for the vows?

Jen: i think of you often.

me: aw, that's nice, but what are we thinking for the vows?

Jen open-hand slaps me across the face.

Jen: numbnuts.

me: lovetap.

Shirley Manson: can i be the wedding band? i'm a solo act now...

Jen: feta cheese in the Italian wedding soup, don't think just do...

Harbor Freight: you really don't want to be going to any parking lot where Harbor Freight is holding a parking lot sale...

Isiah Thomas: i'm not just saying that to get under Michael's sumptuously chocolate skin.

Michael Jordan: let's just say i was a fan of the Live song "Top" but in reverse...

Isiah: Kareem is the GOAT, i'm sorry, but i mean who does the skyhook anymore?!!!

Timothee Chalamet: that was supposed to be a private-party comment at Conan's house. it's JK Rowling all over again!!! shit, why do i have to talk? i ballet every time i have sex with your mom, that's not a middle-school-bully insult, that actually happens. fine, i'll do a movie version of the opera Euridice in which i play Elizabeth Zharoff.

Jess Pegula: you hate yourself on the inside but you think i'm hot. like that host of The American Chase...

Jess: you even think my shoulder tattoo is reasonable.

Shorey Wesen: i'm tasting cream in my mouth.........from my ride or die.

friend: the Boston recipe for love.

Tootsie Roll Pops: Tortoise Roll Pops...

Bikram: my speedo is the Eighth Wonder of the World. 

Melissa Maker: i don't mind if you kiss like a hoover.

Portland: you're my soulmate.

NYC: i'm too big for you. 

Portland: let's both use bicycles in unusual ways.

Bela Lugosi: it's a challenge to do an entire movie in one hour...

Dormeo: how did you sleep last night?

Kurt Cobain at the mall: ...

Gina Gershon: i got PTSD from making Showgirls.

Elizabeth Berkley: and an STD. sorry. i thought we were on the pill but it was a caffeine pill...

Jen: you know marriage is a commitment.

me: i thought we were doing a play here.

Jen: it's not easy. it's not lovey-dovey. you know what marriage is? it's STARTING OVER. like Sylvia Villagran. every day from square one. each new day is your first date all over again. everything previous has been forgotten, VANISHED, like it never happened. thin air. you have to SHOW you love the person, not TELL her, for the first time.

Iyanla Vanzant: but what if you're a handsy mute?

Jen: if this doesn't work out you could always be a stage director. 

me: or a funeral director. 

Jen: pizza in the parlor!!!

me: not to brag but i look good in black. this marriage will be good practice for me, i've never been on a date...

WEDDING PRACTICE: NO CHOCOLATE AT A WEDDING?

 

me: what are we doing for wedding favors? 

Jen R: can i say little baggies of pot?

me: no but i like the little baggies part.

Jen: little baggies of Tootsie Roll Pops!!! like 2 lollipops in a bag i guess. you know what i discovered recently?

me: i hate the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops.

Jen: right? they're redundant. nobody eats the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops, i usually put them in a BIG bag and stash them in the cupboard lost forever. but yesterday i bought a bag at Safeway and there was not ONE chocolate pop!!! the FBI is finally listening to us.

me: are you sure it wasn't a Fedco?

Kara Swisher: on my new CNN show Kara Swisher Wants to Live Forever i'm riding a motorized bicycle without a helmet to show that it's safe but more importantly the theme song's gonna be "Tomorrow" by Silverchair changing the lyrics to I wanna live forever...

Anderson Cooper: the Iranian Guard is like what the Indianapolis Colts were to Tom Brady during Deflategate...

Match Game: it is every '70s housewife's dream to kiss Fred Grandy.

Fred Grandy: i used to be cool until i ran for Congress.

Gary Kroeger: i BARELY lost to him in Iowa.

Fred Grandy: the '70s were all about house parties on boats...

Barbie: i had a creepy face when i debuted. i was like if Wilma Flintstone had angry eyes that were real.

Father Navin practicing the wedding homily: Stars Hollow has no police. let us all aspire to be Stars Hollow...

Guy Fieri catering the wedding: my middle name is Ramsay because i was BORN to be a food guy!!! i shouldn't be from Ohio, i should be from Florida, i'm the original Florida Man.

me: and what for the appetizer before the big salad?

Jen: for me or the guests? oh. chicken noodle soup, why water-down a classic?

me: WITH chicken nuggets? isn't that too much meat?

Jen: we want our wedding drapes to be PORKY after the dancing is through.

Meals on Wheels catering the wedding: no one eats the soups...

at the ring ceremony to the wedding.

Gollum: ring not rigged...

Lord of the Rings: if you like this, you won't be receiving a wedding ring in your life...

Frodo and Sam: no rings for us. we're not gay, it's one of those British male heroic friendships. 

Frodo: if anything i'm SAM'S gardener...

Olive Oyl: Popeye, why don't you have your Popeye arms anymore?

Popeye: i got spinach in my teeth. i got embarrassed. i really love your 1930s design, Olive, you're sexily slim.

Olive Oyl: i still love you, Popeye. i still love hugging you. even if my arms are bigger than your arms now.

Mary Ann Caliento: i play tennis on a island, emotionally and physically. tennis is a solitary sport, and there's only one tennis court at the back of my apartment complex...

Mary Ann: the Encino Hills are themselves an island. i'm moving in this colander i got at Fedco today into my place.

Disneyland: as long as your family hasn't left you...

Philip Bump: i need a bump of cocaine to navigate Washington these days.

Rudy Giuliani: if i had just been the nominee instead of Trump, i'd still be normal today.

Learner Tien at Indian Wells: i may still live with my parents, but i SCHOOLED Ben Shelton whose girlfriend isn't that hot.

Joe: did you wake up with a cup of coffee? why scientists say that is a bad idea.

me: and for the cake? 

Jen: get this, THREE Philadelphia Cream Cheesecakes!!! stacked. 3 of those pies on a totem.

me: that is DECADENT which is why i love it. but you know, i'm not really into cream cheese.

Jen: not even in eggs? Blanche's eggs? get your jawn together, man.

me: what is a jawn exactly?

Jen: it's like the elbow, right? 

WEDDING PRACTICE: THE ETERNAL PLAY

 

at the church of St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino, we're finally getting it together.

me: we're almost married!!!

Jen R: not so fast, cowboy.

me: cowboy is the worst thing you could call me.

Jen: there's a wonderfully strange tradition now where the bride and groom PRACTICE the wedding ceremony at the church before the big binding day, have you seen this?

me: have i!!! and i LOVE it. it's like this Broadway play we're in we didn't know we auditioned for but we have the script in the car. we have our marks we have to hit all around the church and the spotlight rounds that cut the corners of the church like pro actors.

Jen: is there a caterer? not food, flowers...

me: this is serious. we have to do the procession down the middle carpet lane with PRECISION, at a 3/4 pace or the entire ceremony gets bottlenecked.

Father Navin who's officiating: don't screw it up. i can count on my 20 toes the number of times i've rammed into the wife walking...

wife: but not talking!!!

Jen: procession precision.

me: see i want this practice to continue FOREVER. forget the actual wedding. and the marriage!!! let's just do this play practice week after week, we're in this warm intimate interior locale safe from the world doing moves and motions only our friends and families would recognize. there's no one in the church but US. it's quiet.

Jen: we can breathe as we amble. a rites rehearsal that's a ritual, i'm in. it for the long run. walk. let's see where we're going...

Father Navin: remember, eat HALF your eggplant sandwich.

Neil Hope: Meals on Wheels could have saved me...

Claude: get thee to a church pantry!!!

Zalman King: in the '90s a woman would still make love to a complete stranger on a moving train. 

Caron Bernstein: loneliness is a river that never ends...

Gollum: I'M the star here. not Bilbo. not Frodo. not Gandalf who was the first person ever to grow a floor-length beard. it's not just the precious stuff, it's Hobbitses. i chew the scenery!!! i'm like a suave ladyboy drunk.

Gollum: my name as a man was Smeagol Smith. i was the hobbits' mailman...

Otezla: the weight loss should help with the suicidal thoughts...

local oncology center: we provide you with one knit cap...

Ralph Bakshi: we did KINDA work together that one time.

Zalman King: we shared Kim Basinger...

Leslie Sbrocco: Leslie Frank? frankly she's a wannabe me.

internist: i'm a doctor who stays inside.

Kara Swisher: living forever would get boring. even if i had a flying car. take Carl Sagan's quote off that machine!!!...

Daylight Saving: it's noon and it's the middle of the night.

humidifier in the church eaves: the water vapor is Vaporwave.

Trinity chasing churchmice: i'm an indoor alleycat.

Talia: the pews...

Greykid in the holy-water font: is this a public bathhouse?

Sphinx: i chase after pyramid mice on their period.

San Dimas: the clock here is always running. don't waste your time. go back to when you wore gray jogging pants in the '80s and LIVE AGAIN. it actually is a cooler clock than the Back to the Future clock...

U.S. Special Forces troops into Iran to retrieve the last of Iran's uranium nuclear stockpile: it's an '80s Nintendo game!!!

Will Smith and Chris Rock walk out together onto the Oscars 2026 stage.

Will Smith and Chris Rock: and the Oscar for Best Choreography goes to...

me: when i was pulling in here this morning...

Jen R: churches have parking lots?

me: i experienced the STRANGEST SENSATION. for the first time. see i've never had hair this long before, i'm growing it out.

Jen: no you're just lazy.

me: I FELT THE WIND IN MY HAIR!!! what an eerie feeling. i didn't know what that was fluttering on my head. now i know how you girls do it.

Jen: i have LONG hair that touches the floor because mothers don't have time to visit the barber. can you still eat food?

me: no. my beard has become so unruly hairs get in my mouth. these are the lessons a boy needs to become a man i was never taught by anybody: how to eat with a frizzy beard. 

Jen: the question is, does your hair have a LIMIT? is your hair limited like Johnny Rotten?

Johnny Rotten: like, unique?

Jen: will your hair continue to grow until it becomes a fro the size of Planet Earth?...