WILD SWIMMING: EVENWARD

 

Jules Smith: look at that bog bodega in the shape of a boot over there.

me: who lives there?

Jules: Mrs. Claus, but fair warning, she's in a right state.

we approach the gingerbread location like it was a crime scene, which it kinda was.

there in the middle of the plaisically-sewed half-circle rug around the brick fireplace, Mrs. Claus is on the mantle. she's in a Mrs. Claus-sized Christmas stocking, she's sewing herself from inside the stocking, she's trapped inside the stocking.

Mrs. Claus: don't worry, i can breathe, i made the fabric breathable.

Jules: you see, man?

me: yeah. it's a symbol of the female condition.

Mrs. Claus: right? i mean why does Santa get to deliver the toys on a sleigh? why doesn't Mrs. Claus do the reindeer-riding? if you start the Grimm fairy tale out right, with a woman protagonist in the first place, it doesn't seem as strange, it'll just be normal. also, the writers of legends drink too much Coke...

Carly Severn at PBS: no hard drugs, no superheroes.

Timothee Chalamet: Bob Dylan is the Superman of song.

Carly: Leo DiCaprio looked at me from across the room and cured my head cancer.

Timothee: sugar is a soft drug.

Carly: sugar causes cancer. salt is a hard drug to get hooked on because salt tastes disgusting.

Leonardo DiCaprio: my cock is tied with the Red String of Fate.

Gladyce at the Treehouse: don't rub the floor with the towel, then rub that towel across your bathroom sink counter...

writers: everyday i'm hustling, everyday i'm hustling, everyday i'm hustling hustling hustling hustling...

at the log-cabin winter lodge.

Capp: moving on isn't all it's cracked up to be when the moving-on involves your soulmate...

Real Genius.

Mikey: what's on the whiteboard?

Mitch: Cartoon Network. why are your hands cuffed behind your back and you're walking around freely on campus?

Ed Begley Jr.: spying on our teammates builds trust. this is cold sabotage. i like the Russians better anyway.

Mitch: you rented out my room?

Mitch's mom: to Carlos Lacamara from The Brothers Garcia, i have needs. your mother has needs, Mitch.

Vaneza Pitynski: Russian girls look like Spanish girls.........from Spain, not Mexico...

Mr. McFeely: i remember being stuffed in a mailbox. that's why i became a mailman.

Val Kilmer: grading on a curve is stupid, it makes no sense.

Kent: thanks guys, my car's cool now, my car breathes oxygen.

Val: have you seen your daughter naked?

daughter's dad: yes. in the Valley. but so did every moviegoer.

Jen R: see? you should do the same thing.

me: with all my stories on this blog?

Jen R: they all add up to an English PhD...

Deborah Foreman: i'm here because Michelle Meyrink turned out not to be as hot as the producers thought she'd be.

Michelle Meyrink: there's no sizzle to me.

Deborah Foreman: so they added me to make money. i was hot at the time, both meanings, i was America's Mallrat.

Jon Gries: i quietly knocked out Mike Tyson...

Val Kilmer: you gotta admit, i have a weird name. 

Lazlo: i got enough Pepsi stamps to win a jet...

Sherry Nugil: can i just take a step back here and.........what the FUCK am i doing?...

Jen R: see? in the '80s you COULDN'T take your college final exam home with you...

Data from The Goonies: this movie is Head of the Class: The College Years. i was on that show Head of the Class, people forget about that...

a proposal: in college it's not a science demo, it's a marriage proposal, these are college nerds, this is their LAST chance to have sex...

Mostly Mozart: with a little bit of classical music composed by Lars von Trier...

inside a computer: large pieces of spearmint Bubble Tape gum...

Jesus: i'll be honest with you, i do not understand how the human heartbeat works...

George R.R. Martin in robe and bunny slippers: they said i could either be the head of Freshman Tea or write the Christmas episode of the live-action '80s Beauty and the Beast...

congressman: come on, Kent, get out of the Psycho House on the Universal Studios lot.

William Atherton: that popcorn in the ending is the same popcorn you're eating now in a cute little red-and-white-striped popcorn bag in the '80s theater you're watching this movie from...

Paul: poor adult son, he's not dumb, or like he was on drugs at one time for a long time or something, he just can't grasp plumber stuff.

Carrie Quake: cancer is not a death sentence anymore, it's not the 1970s, it's not a soap-opera line, it's not Love Story...

Zion Williamson: eye on Zion, i'm healthy, play my entrance music, where my entrance music at, where my Alan Parsons Project...

Aaron Rodgers: my name is Nick Sirianni...

Pati Jinich: an avocado's skin is Nerds candy...

case of Coke: have you ever opened the box on that right widget so it becomes a cardboard Coke-can dispenser?...

Mark Grayson: you didn't ask for this, mom. neither did i. but we'll figure this out together. as a family.

me: Mark Grayson is the exact opposite of me in a family...

Peter Cetera: when Ken became a lead singer...

Sisyphus: *rolling that boulder up that hill for eternity*

Kate Bush: i wrote a song about that...

La Conner: Los Angeles in Seattle. where they filmed Roseanne, the good seasons.

protect your heart: no it isn't Heart Health Month, it isn't February, it isn't pink and red everywhere, it's protect your fragile heart from being broken by a bad breakup again.

church: donate donuts.

Jen P: ...

me: the P stands for Pizarro. Jen Pizarro.

Jen P: no the P stands for Prime. i am the Jen Prime...

Jules Smith: LeBron James lives in our village.

me: does he now.

Jules: yeah but don't tell anyone, it's a big secret for such a small village.

me: so why did you settle on settling in Jules Smith's village?

LeBron James with a wide grin: this is a great place. yeah? full of quiet. full of freaks like me. i can rock in my rocking chair on my porch, eat all of Kevin Hart's stale butterscotch candy, and think about what i've done. i'm taking it easy. the Lakers are Luka's team now, i hope that fatass gets in shape for the playoffs, i'm trying to catch Jordan here. i don't want to end up like Tiger Woods where he's THIS CLOSE to Jack but will never reach him so he settles for golfing with Trump as some sort of status symbol.

LeBron James swims the village bog. he sprints from side to side in world Olympic time but he's not even trying, it's a casual gliding bath for him.

LeBron: i'm wading in a way Dwyane Wade never could, that dude really needs to learn to relax.

the collective wave that forms from LeBron's spirit coalesces into a row of Black-excellence movie theatres named after Kobe Bryant along the bog's shore.

this makes Jules smile.

Jules: the village is getting worldly, it's getting earthy.