WILD SWIMMING: ICEFLAKE

 

Jules Smith: our village elder lives by himself on that hill over there. his name is Monopoly Moneybags, Mono for short. because he wears a monocle in each eye.

Mono: money is no object, i can buy any object. eventide is when i do my laundry at night with Tide detergent. i can't see my tub, so my tuxedo will remain stinky, because the villagers voted NOT to see me naked.

Jules: at the countryside council.

Mono: only get the heart-shaped strawberries...

Lars von Trier: come on. i have a heart. i would never have Christy Carlson Romano getting shot in the eye in a scene for dramatic effect. 

CCR: clay pigeons, that's very atmospheric, very Lynchian.

Lars: or very Larsian.

CCR: i only did this film because Shia recommended me to you...

at the log-cabin winter lodge.

Jen R: your soulmate has to be in the SPACE with you. if she's not there, nothing will happen...

Capp: i wonder how all the people i knew who were on Myspace are doing? how are all the Myspace marriages faring now?...

Myspace: for some reason, Justin Timberlake owns us now.

Darkwing from Invincible: let's get dangerous.

Mark Grayson: what's your favorite song?

Darkwing: "Midnight City" by M83...

Jalen Hurts at Safeway: Kelce Brothers Cereal? man are you fucking serious with that right now? i'm quietly pushing my stroller along Safeway's aisles minding my own and i gotta be confronted with a stacked mountain of THESE BOXES?!!!

Dr. Dre: i mean doesn't it make more sense for ME to be on The Voice?

Snoop Dogg: heard, cousin. but that Michael Buble cat controls everything, feel? 

Dr. Dre: be a dope nigga, not a nigga dope.

at the Super Bowl, Travis Kelce gets down on one knee in front the Jumbotron and the world to propose.

Travis Kelce: will you marry me?

Taylor Swift: but you lost the Super Bowl.

Travis: don't worry, Patrick Mahomes is 15 years old. 

Taylor Swift: Travis Kelce, i'm in love with your brother Jason Kelce. 

Jalen Hurts, lighting a cigar: curse of the cereal.

Jalen Hurts: love hurts. love is a world of hurt.

Travis Kelce: can i be traded to the Eagles? i need a tush push in my life.

Jalen Hurts: only if you can drum and sing. 

Belinda Bencic: i'm coming off two Super Bowl wins...

me: i know 10 Jens, Jennifers, or Jennis on Instagram...

me: today is Sick Monday.

Jules Smith: because everybody calls in sick the Monday after the Super Bowl.

me: no, because it's sick that i'm alive today, you know? as E.Z. Taylor would say, it's tubular that i'm alive today.

Jules: the main thing is the main thing and all that. 

Real Genius.

Real Genius like Real Cheese, not True Genius...

Sheldon: this movie is where The Big Bang Theory comes from...

jazz singer over cave paintings: never been done before.

Mr. Diamond at Crespi High School: watch this movie while i wait two hours for the printer on my desk to spit out your Spanish test...

Dark Star, not Star Wars opening...

clear as vodka: unless the mud's a mule.

men smoking in rooms: Raygun was a phenomenon, she's Australia's Sweetheart, we need the American Raygun.

Ms. Krause: remember the 6th Grade Science Project triptych?...

Tom: why couldn't Jerry be drunk?

scholarship: it's like a mathlete's signing bonus.

Val Kilmer: what do you call that thing with the two balls attached to two slinkys bouncing like a spring you wear on your head?.........alien ears or something?...

Freshman Tea: because you really are at college to study, and to be a single father at Taco Bell at night.

Jen R: remember all the poetry written on dorm walls?

me: Grand Guignol graffiti.

Greykid: i feel bad for that Great Dane, how can you be mean to that grand animal?

Mikey from Parker Lewis Can't Lose: shock therapy.........considering what we're working on, i should have done light therapy...

Blutarsky: Ice Capades in the dorm hallways, why didn't i think of that first? frost. frost first. i like your poster: Einstein wearing a COLLEGE sweatshirt...

Data from The Goonies: i won an Oscar and went back to college.

Jordan: make your bed a lawn chair...

Ed Begley Jr.: i was naked with a bowl of jello because i refused to wear the Cosby sweater.

Koos: that was MY sweater!!! he sullied MY design!!!

Rushmore Hall...

me: remember white McDonald's bags? why does he have a pencil sketch of Daniel LaRusso from The Karate Kid on the back on his dorm door?

Jen R: i get it.

Jordan: size comparison, sweater not penis. are you peeing?

liquid nitrogen: how to cheat at the arcade...

automatic page-turner: isn't that just lazy?

Pam Hiltunen: do you have a Disneyland dark ride under your dorm?

mystery roommate: i go down to this cave so i can watch Shirt tales in peace. dreams are your core...

Darlington Electronic Instruments: DEI works. PBS science shows are cool.

Jen R: necking, only done in the '80s.

technothriller: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo marries Trainspotting...

Jonny Moseley: hey Lorne, i got a ton of great jokes for my SNL monologue. like i say, "i'm rich." the audience has no mondo idea what's going on for five minutes. it's a play on the word "mogul."

Lorne Michaels: get out of my office.

Jonny Moseley: can i be the host for SNL 50?...

John Larroquette: i took the entire writing staff of Night Court, the 2023 show, to New Orleans for my week-long Super Bowl party, that's why no one's written the Wikipedia synopsis for last week's episode...

Mark Hapka in pajamas: is that a :35 or a :55 on your clock?...

Suzy Lu: the way i say the word hilarious is hilarious...

One Piece doctors: you have cooties, stay away from me.

Goofy: hey, Super Bowl teams, you have to go to Disneyland for 2 hours IN THE MORNING before you play the Super Bowl later that day...

Ed, Edd n Eddy: all you wanted in your life were normal friends like us...

Super Bowl: the only day you take out the trash at 10 PM at night...

Vic Fangio: 1986, young buck. i'm Batman. who's Spags? sounds like a can of Chef Boyardee.

i'm going crazy.

i jump in the lake.

me: WHY IS LIFE LIKE THIS?!!!

Jules Smith: what you on about now?

me: i live in abject misery.

i swim the bitterly cold lake for an hour lapping back and forth on the edge before all the drang from all my anxious agitation riles and collects into a GIANT ice storm that forces poor Jules and i inside the log-cabin pub.

Jules: you see how the village bog works? 

me: yeah, sorry about that. i am no shelter to seek. we have to eat cold mutton in a pub as an ice storm rages outside.

Jules: no it's fine. brilliant in fact. it's ATMOSPHERE.

me: but cold meat.

Jules: pubs don't have air fryers, dear.

air fryer: 400 degrees.........400 degrees...

me: at least let's get a hot drink in us. what's the coffee like around here?

Jules: red coffee crystals.

me: oh that Safeway off-brand coffee just goes right through me.

Jules: let's go to the village open-air market and get some.

me: now you see? SEE?!!! you see how great it is to have friends?!!! the friend has the money!!!