THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: INELUCTABLE

 

Jules Smith: my family is in my house right now, let's go meet them.

me: but i have met your family.

Jules: how? you've been hiding here in the cinema by the brook all week.

me: they have a lot of good stuff they play here, a different movie daily. i can't miss one of these movies or i'll feel off the rest of my life. besides, do you see who's been flanking me on either side of my theatre seat all week as i watch all these films?

Jules: yes, my wolfits, my wolf pupits, Halo and Tex, LARGE wolves. England is cool with animals in the building.

me: see? and you know how scared i am of dogs ever since that dog ate my chain-belt during my goth phase in 7th Grade. your wolves haven't eaten me yet, isn't that testament to how they've accepted me into the fold?

Jules: i feel you peeing into your shorts as you're talking to me just now. 

me: and what of my cats? only YOU can take me in, the cats have nowhere to go.

Jules: YOU have nowhere to go. YOU are going nowhere.

me: don't worry, i'll live in your paintroom, it's not really part of the cottage, it's more like an adjacent shed with a vent. i'm used to paint fumes.

Jules: the cats cannot roam free in the countryside wheat with the wolves. there's an enclosed square pasture out back adjacent to the paintroom where the cats can relaxedly eat their wet food and you can graze grass on all fours for evenward supper. 

Instagram DM: Dream Meditations

El Centro, California: that's where Wassup Rockers took place, right?...

Melissa Maker: wash out your washing-machine drum the same way you wash out your air-fryer bowl of tin...

The Witches of Eastwick.

Clyde: i didn't kill my wife, i started Facebook...

Susan Sarandon: i'm playing Cher in this movie, right?...

Cher: i'm so famous i don't go by one name, the shortened form of Cher is Her...

Little Compton: not like Compton IN ANY WAY...

Jack Nicholson: what does a man want? one of those electric S-curved dry-cleaners garment-conveyor racks in my bedroom, those are so fun to ride.

Fidel: S-curved like your penis, master.

Cher: you don't know what love is.

Jack: i've only loved one man in my life: Jesus.

Jack: Fidel, my The Dude robe. 

Melissa Maker: bagels, but instead of cream cheese as the bagel spread, ice cream as the bagel spread...

Cher with copper pot: i'm making an Uncle Buck pancake.

Claudine Pepin: that copper pot is bigger than me!!!

Cher: cut the white candles in half like a daikon...

Jack: freezer's broken? can't help you, i do fire.

ice cream man: you okay?

Jack: fine. my leg likes to jump on its own. save my tiny basketball!!!

Rent: live in the city, the mountains charge rent...

Suzy Lu: Rent lives rent-free in my head...

Jack: don't know about you, but i'd rather have covid than women. i made Luka come to the Lakers. i better change the license plate on my Bruce Wayne car. these village roads are like NASCAR. everybody wants a GIANT sugar bowl. does my hair look okay?

Susan Sarandon: huh, laughing made all my problems go away...

Cher: this voodoo doll will be in a Tool music video one day...

Jack: why do i look like a CGI Gollum dinosaur?

unit production manager: when MY name appears in the end-credits scroll, that's the signal for everybody to get up from their seats and exit the theater. 

Jack: i only came up to Earth to teach the kids about Fullmetal Alchemist...

Jules Smith puts her Stonehenge-baubled arm around my tender shoulder.

Jules Smith: the monologue will keep us together.

me: i love brainstorming with you, pretending i'm a part of something.

Jules: we'll write that Hollywood sitcom. 

me: three cameras?

Jules: one iPhone. my local PBS affiliate, not yours. 

me: BritBox makes my box itchy, i get so excited, i start to quake. that salty breeze. Cardiff cliffs. 

Jules: don't jump, instead cry, Tears for Fears it. not into wolves? Dover dogs. my house is the place for late-night thoughts. Johnny Carson wet the bed. we're shooting the shit over Luther Burgers at 3 in the morning.

Rod Serling: when you wear my pimp coat, the hot fuzzy black jacket, and you shave your head, you look like a Nosferatu goth...

Paddington: where's my motherfucking marmalade? 

Queen Elizabeth: that's Queen Mother to you, bear.

Paddington: where's my motherfucking marmalade? you minger. sorry sorry, i consume too much Ricky Gervais. i'm not a bad bear, i'm a hungry bear. they forget to feed me on set, they think i can feed myself because i can talk.

Trent Reznor: funny story, everyone thinks i looked like the lead singer of Slam Bamboo when i was young, that i was that dork with the glasses and curly ponytail...

Harrisburg, PA: so the ice storm is such that the power will go out on Super Bowl Sunday, but the power will come back on on Monday...

Stephen A. Smith with head tics: i mean, think about it, i'd be a cool President of the United States.  

Jimmy Butler: MIA stands for Missing In Action, not Miami. i was jealous of Pat Riley's hair...

Stevie Wonder: it's As, not Ass...

sax: you can't blow me properly until you grow a bushy or silky braided beard.

Cecily Strong: Triscuit nachos for the Big Game.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: Transcendentalism tempers Existentialism to an even draw.

Jen R with her sketchbook and pink pencil out: draw even...

me: i miss Jen R so much, i wish she'd follow me with her new Instagram page...

Squeaky from Safeway, singing: how much is that donut in the window?.........the brown bags with the cellophane window we have for bakery bread...

Jackie Fitzgerald: no more Thursday-night lasagna for you, that's when i take He-Man to the dog park...

atmospheric river: can we have the rain without the wind?...

Jaleel White: Flip Side at 5, that's all you want from life, just to see my beautiful face on the television at the usual time...

American Primeval: no S Club 7 members, no Douglas Henshall, no Harry Potter kid as David Cassidy, no cheerio boss, no dinosaurs, no scientific Godzilla as in excavating the actual bones of Godzilla archaeologically...

Lucy Brown: i was so hot i played two characters.........once...

PG&E: we're trying here, we're FINALLY employing the new technologies in 2025 to stop power outages cold in their tracks and sense wire-loving falling trees so you don't have to get a powerbar or in any other way have anything to do with Elon Musk, have business with Elon Musk, be beholden to Elon Musk.

Elon Musk: call me Ron Musk.

Bonnie from Cocktail: rule #1: never marry your kept boy.

Jackie Fitzgerald looking at He-Man: ...

Jules Smith: come on, i mean, come in, my family isn't that scary. there's my daughter Ellie who's a beautiful artist like you. she draws better than me but i color better than her. and there's the others. it's an English village so we all have to be eccentrics.

me: it's Coronation Street in real life. i probably shouldn't have kids, given my genes. i can't lighten your doorstep.

Jules: surely you can, you're a lightworker like the last remaining bookseller. 

me: i'm dealing with a friend in crisis, who is me.

me: WAIT!!! i'm turning the knob...

Jules, gasping out of her mouth: turning the gnome knob is like pushing the red button...

me: i'm entering your wooden doorsill that looks like a giant carved mushroom. i have to do this.

Jules: why?

me: because i can't go home.