JEN THE CONFESSOR: DELIRIOUS WITH FEVER AND DRY COUGH

 

Walker squeezes the driving wheel of his kei truck.

Walker: i ain't that pretty boy Josh Holloway, okay? i ain't no pulchritudinous pansy like Sawyer from Lost. 

Jackie Fitzgerald in the passenger's: why did you take up with me?

Walker: look i'm gonna be honest, my dick is SLIGHTLY above average in size. i really just wanted it to get sucked ONE TIME by the mouth of that hot aunt at the Christmas party. 

Jackie: and you wonder why we don't discuss having kids.

Jen R in the back: you guys gotta calm down. live the life of Tommy Brennan suddenly walking down the street.

Walker: real good one time, balls and all.

stay good: stay gold at the barbershop.

Urkel: listen, me as a father? i wouldn't remember ANY birthdays. my wife's birthday, my mom birthday, my grandmama's birthday. i'm just over here by the snacks, you know what i'm sayin'?

Excedrin: the red pill...

Pablo Torre: political fellatio. yeah i said it.

Uqora: i mean UTI doesn't really affect the man, you know?

Hanako Montgomery: i was in my pajamas during the Tokyo tsunami.

Wolf Blitzer: not lingerie swimwear? awww...

Rambo: the rules of war matter. remember, i'm the most famous P.O.W. ever.

Led Zeppelin: after a LIFETIME building a resume that merits a Kennedy Center Honor, we have to get it handed to us by Donald Trump?!!! are you fucking kidding us?!!!

Mister Rogers wearing a conductor's cap: i'm sorry but there's gotta be something less strenuous than working on the railroad just to pass the time away. you'll pass away if you continue.

dad: all the live-long day, nobody says that anymore.

Jen: what's with the 2AM packages?

Walker: say what?

Jackie: oh sorry about that, you hear the FedEx truck at 2AM, right?

Jen: it's all good, i put on my fuzzy Snoopy earmuffs to drown out the moaning.

Jackie: yeah i really get into it. i lose myself in the ecstasy. i still have the butt of a 30-year-old. 

Jen: what's in all those large purple cardboard boxes that get dropped at your gate? night deliveries are freaky.

Jackie: just your standard BDSM stuff for older couples: whips, boots, plates.

Jen: i'm the next house over, don't worry about it.

Jackie: but we haven't been receiving our packages this week. did you do something?

Jen: yeah it's all good, we just REALLY needed our sleep this week. me has BAD headaches and i'm trying to figure out what he's got: general fever, covid, jaw misalignment, caregiver stress, or that concussion he got at acting camp in '96.

Walker: we haven't done it all week. are you punishing me?

Jackie: yes. remember when you left your chainsaw on our roof?...