DAD WRITING FOR ZALMAN KING: DINNER?

Jake Winters invites Jen and me into the famous diner for his next batch of letters.

Jen R: those golden cluster mailboxes are ICONIC. i know your number is 114.

Jake: good eye, i didn't know that. i cared more about X-Files. who gets their mail at a diner? why would there be mailboxes at a diner? you have a dog's eye. right, Stella?

Stella the dog: i'm Lassie if she had been an atheist. right, pal?

me: why are you called Red Shoes?

Jake: don't want to talk about it. suicide. 

we slowly migrate to the park.

Jen: yeah see, i liked Season 2, i liked the location change, because the Red Shoes address is Canoga Park and now you really WERE at Canoga Park!!!

Jake: i told the producers my longcoat needed space to stretch its legs. 

Jen: what were all those trains in Season 1 carrying?

Jake: pesticide.

me: did you like how your story was wrapped up?

Jake: no. the movie was a serious existential meditation on suicide for love. but then in my follow-up episode they have me just butt-fucking Sheryl Lee...

loft: the only place with a sliding front-door...

Wild Orchid 2: Two Shades of Blue.

brothels: for virgins...

me: it's an honor to review this, i am obsessed with this film. the autograph i want is Nina Siemaszko, as in a physical B&W photo with her signature, not a stupid selfie.

Jen R: me too. just wish i could have been there in that Dick Tracy-lit red room of an indie theatre on Hollywood Blvd. to pay for a ticket to boost its sales.

Mona: i'm going to a live taping of Match Game 1979 in Vegas...

asshole frat guy: not only am i an asshole frat guy, i'm the first man to wear frosted tips.

Lance Bass: it's called a little lemon in the hair.

Blue: see? i can scream.

me: that whole scene made me uncomfortable. that's how you know it's good Zalman writing.

Blue: Don's Plum waitress is respectable. ANYTHING is better than frat life...

Robert Davi: i have permission from the President to shoot up this whole room...

Zalman King: aha, now the diner isn't so much Dick Tracy as it is Zalman King, as in all the rain.

me: SEE?!!! i wish more movies would do this, have two strangers become a family, Blue and Sully, the whore and the bodyguard, just another daughter and dad.

Jen: who go to the daughter/dad dance. who have eggs in pajamas. ironically, they'll only wear pajamas from now on...

William Shakespeare: King Lear is about prostitution.

teacher: tell us a little bit about yourself, new student.

Blue: let's just say i was doing customer service in Chatsworth.

Brent: you like Perfect Blue the anime? sorry i'm nervous.

Jen R: buddy, you got your heart broken by a girl at a Sacramento Greyhound station and that girl shows up at your school?!!! do you know the infinitesimal chances of that happening?

Zalman: and now this transitions into a high-school movie called Lucas For Girls.

Blue: i do the wheelbarrow a little different, but.........anyway our PE teacher is Mrs. Felt? i knew a Mrs. Felt at the brothel.

Brent: this old vineyard was rooted by two brothers who hated each other, the Picard brothers.

marriage: not talking to each other for 40 years.

Blue: exactly!!! i look like one of those K-pop bands.

Blue's high-school chum: this was the best day of school i've had. you don't get good days in high school. you get days where you don't cry. you survive days. they made me jog 10 miles around the school for no reason.

madam: you know as i'm inspecting these 3 new naked women, maybe i made some bad life choices. all i wanted to be was Blue's mother...

Joshua: okay but why is the championship game being played at 1AM in the morning?

Paul Tagliabue: from now on all NFL games will start with the firing of a starting gun.

Blue: i mean, this movie really isn't about losing a high-school football game, you know?

Brent: it's okay, dad, i don't care that she was a whore. you love who you love. why do i get the feeling there's only one of this reel?...

Tom Skerritt: Blue at the white picket fence, symbolic, she can't achieve the white-picket-fence dream of domesticity. remember when i was on Picket Fences on CBS?

madam: Blue, i destroyed your dream because i was jealous. my British high-school-quarterback boyfriend dumped me for a quarter-pounder with cheese...

Sully: i drive a car like i pilot a plane...

Sully: i wasn't a good guy. i was a GREAT character!!!

Blue: it's just this book report on Harriet Tubman i did is REALLY good, i want to show it to someone.

Blue: the GED is for suckers. i'm gonna graduate college, become a vet, then prepare for the Summer of Love...

Merry Clayton: an ending of hope, compassion, hidden joy, and haunting tenderness.

Blue: i want to live. i want to start my life over with you.

Yogi Bear: look, i don't like Yellowstone, okay?

Taylor Swift: but why didn't i become just like Sophie B. Hawkins?...

gee whiz: please bring back gee whiz.

me: Match Game 1979 in Vegas!!!

Jen R: yeah but that was expected. they should have had Match Game 1979 live in Palm Springs for one week, that would have been cool!!!

Del: female?

the Arthur cartoon: the best way to start the rest of your day after school...

Double Indemnity.

Walter: i'm crazy about you, kid.

Phyllis: i know. i wanted you to be fresh.

Walter: crazy as in i'm willing to do crazy things...

Olivia Newton-John in her "Physical" leotard and John Travolta in his Perfect testicle-showing short-shorts dance. 

Jack Tripper: .........sometimes you feel like a nut. i like cashews.

John Travolta: we were destined to become Olivia Newton-John-Travolta.

Millie Bobby Brown: call me Mille Bon Bon. this sets me up to do the live-action movie of Adventure Time...

Caplyta: when the depressed person is a mom, that makes it more depressing...

me wearing red high heels: how would you describe the music on the show?

George Clinton: spicy jazzy to start. then the wailing sax at the end when the woman makes the realization.

Jen R: are you related to Bill Clinton?

George Clinton: of course, Bill Clinton was the first black President.