MARS EXPRESS: KUSANAGI CROISSANT

 

Thumb Wars: remember old-skool YouTube? yeah so i can't use my thumbs to type anything on this iPad Mini, i'm strictly forefinger.........anyway maybe if you got us a Powder Tower of iced tea mix. maybe if you got Leslie Sbrocco to drizzle some amandine syrup on these mixed-grill vegetable skewers...

Jackie Fitzgerald: a man's cock BALLOONS to attention at the THOUGHT of sex, especially with three ladies at once.........i'm trying to explain that Zardoz scene...

David Bowie: one Iman has the power of three ordinary women...

Jackie Chan: i'm Mister Rogers.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: yeah but i don't trust AAA, i don't have a drinking problem. there's a scarier woman than me, she works at the Bagel Bakery, she has that mean blonde hair. she's like if Ms. Frizzle were a queen bee in high school. clean the RIM on your glass with your tongue, not just the glass. Fonzie's comb was TINY. postage-stamp-sized houses fit me to a T. our new neighborhood eatery created by AI is the Robata Grill...

Jackie Chan: no sake for you, Miss Elaine. a sake bar is not like Cheers...

Elaine: how old do you think i am, boy? that's a compliment, how sweet.

me: when i was at Berkeley i had the most beautiful little apartment right on Telegraph Ave, it was the size of a postage stamp but it was all mine, i dreamt of living there the rest of my life, it makes me cry now...

Jen R: i remember, your next-door neighbor was a '60s hippie like your dad who was living your dream, a forever home, fresh warm donuts every morning for breakfast on the corner, he won, the hippie who won life.

me: this year's Jewish Film Festival in San Francisco this week.

Jen: the commercial for it is hilarious, two old bubkas in a deli kvetching over mumblecore.

El Gordo y La Flaca: when you don't have a forever home, a permanent residence, WE are your stability.

Lili Estefan: i wear pink baggy Mrs. Roper blouses to keep you stable.

Leslie Sbrocco: new Check Please episodes ALL WEEK?!!! what are we, Steven Universe? PBS is the ONLY thing that's good left on Earth...

Eye Luggage: Mars Express and go.

Motoko Kusanagi, The Major: i feel i must interject...

David Bowie: my old stomping grounds!!!

Motoko: ahem, as i was saying, don't compare this to MY masterpiece, it's not fair.

John Cusack: this movie ain't some High Fidelity thing, okay?...

Tower Records: both meanings.

Eye Luggage: the WORLD of this movie is SUBLIME, it's phenomenal. it's so detailed and complicated and full of boops and beeps and all the pieces fit into each other. the painstaking time it took to make this futuristic world, this world of the future, go, run smoothly, is admirable.

WIRED Magazine: it's wired well... 

Jeremy Piven: ...

Janet Leigh: okay but why does the pretty white woman have to be the protagonist? why wasn't the black man the protagonist?

Motoko: i'm very surprised there wasn't a sex scene in this, and i mean a HARDCORE sex scene where it's Archer-style cartoon porn, this is French for fuck sake!!! France Funimation!!!

Aline Ruby: they had that one scene that was a feint where Aline was grunting but it turns out she was just exercising vigorously, doing hard push-ups.

Aline: they called me Drucker the Fucker on set for some reason...

Alsace animation: SLEEK. takes you pleasantly back to Code Lyoko.

Royjacker: Blade Runner After Hours...

John Barrowman: Doctor Who vibes with the whale-like alien being in an aquarium of liquid. this isn't about me, i'm here representing Torchwood...

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: see what i mean about this AAA of the future? they're very inconvenient, they fill your hovercar with foam to get you out of an accident, which causes an accident. those Jaws of Life on a drone is pretty cool tho.

Dirg: you can't say anything anymore. thank you.

Laertus: notice all the protest signs against AI, no more robots, bring back the humans, that is our future.........both meanings...

Lynne Thigpen: it seems gumshoes are the same in the year 2200, i salute you!!!

Data: can i be a gumshoe? without the Holodeck i mean...

Monopoly Man: jailbreak is not that Fox TV show, it's a whole other thing.

Bill Gates: pretty soon only i will be able to stop AI. i have the keys but i left them in my Seattle mansion that's like a Maine wharf on the lake... 

Jen P: ...

Dirg: can we talk about the red-light district? or purple-light district as the case may be?

Eye: with you? no.

TLC: don't get it twisted, honey, are you a man or a scrub?

Laertus: Vaporwave sex? some of these definitely cost extra. the naked woman with the six legs? very Vishnu. the man with the electric top hat? very Mr. Humphries.

Vivienne Johnson: i was the original British flapper...

Aeon Flux: gold-dust woman with a unicorn horn? that's nothing, did you see OURS? btw i'm dating Stevie Nicks... 

Stevie Nicks: after Motoko dumped me, wham byte thank you ma'am, dropped for a newer update, a newer update patch, gives new meaning to cybersex...

Eye: what does it mean to fuck a robot?...

Dirg: that sucks, i feel for any man who has to go through the wife's new husband to see his kids, i don't care who or WHAT you are, that sucks. let him see his kids, he's already dead...

Motoko: oh come on, those are TACHIKOMAS!!! give me a break. this whole night scene in the wide-berth backyard lawn in back of a mansion is sending me Scarface vibes.

Aline Ruby: if you have a drinking problem, here's my card, i can help, i can be your sponsor, i've been there like you.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: why are you looking at me? it's the future, just give me the vaccine, right? i LOVE needles!!!

Aline Ruby: you can trust me, my name sounds like a Steven Universe character.

Motoko: in the end, this isn't the solution, many single-file lines, the humans on one planet and the robots on another planet, or spaceship. the two groups must coexist, this is good advice for human factions NOW on this planet. now THESE are the parades i like. robot consciousness is already here. it was pretty cool how you got to experience what it would be like to go through a Star Trek transporter.........g'night folks, bonne nuit tout le monde.

 

  

MARE ORIENTALE: $2000 CAR

 

Gary Kildall and dad are at a dingy motel, the Motel Inn.

dad: Bitcoin? Bitcoin sucks.

Gary: no, Bite Con. cons suck too but it's a work thing, you know how it is. i'm trying to unload my old car, it just stands there in front of my house with $2000 spray-painted on the bumper. many MANY people have drove up to it in their trucks and ironically cars to take a look at it, inspect it, kick the old girl's tires, but not one purchase. my poor baby, my poor hatchback.

dad: i'll tell my son about it. YOU spray-painted the $2000, right? not skateboard hoodlums?

Gary: i don't get it, it's only $2000. it's a 1970s Pinto with a see-through backdoor hatch window, that's cool!!!

dad: hey wanna make prank calls to Bill Gates on the motel phone?

Gary: this is not like you but i'm in. my life is in tatters, all i've got now are prank calls. 

at the same motel.

David Bowie singing: do it the right way.........do it from the back.

Jackie Fitzgerald: where would your career be without black female backup singers?

Bowie: i don't know much about sex, it's all for show.

Jackie: sex is about the SUSTAIN. you gotta sustain those rushing feelings in your body, collect them all rising and flooding your synapses, until it comes OUT in a Big Bang.

Bowie: how will i know i've done it right?

Jackie: lots of milky stars everywhere, a galaxy of cum. 

Betty White: i had to live the last years of my life at a house i hated.

me: i know the feeling, Carmel is a barren place.

Betty: i couldn't stay with Blanche, she was arrested for indecent exposure. Dorothy was living with Stan again, and Sophia would call me up on my Carmel phone to tell me about Purgatory.

Sophia: i got to keep my purse up there, uh middle there.

Betty: that left Andrew Gold but every time i called him he sounded so depressed, maybe it was the bad phone reception. Carmel connections get cut off. plus they filmed that shit show Out of This World in this house!!! that was the WORST '80s show ever!!!

me: and you had the BEST '80s show ever!!! can i call you Bets?

Betty: no. drop the pizza and get out of my home.

Jen R and i are at this same motel. in a corner.

Jen: the giddiness when you get that first bucket of ice from the motel machine.

me: yeah that anticipatory warmth that flushes over you when you're at a new motel, new bed, new place to stay.

Jen: i now know how the Garbage Pail Kids feel. remember Shelley Duvall's greeting on Faerie Tale Theatre?

me: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall.

Jen: hello, i'm *pause for tree* Shelley Duvall. i got all 100, all her different costume gowns and sets, Shelley as EVERY character in world folklore, on a loop, and i'm running that video above my door as my doorbell.

Shelley Duvall: have the same thing at your backdoor with Bud Cort saying "hello, i'm Bud Cort" for Texaco Theater...

Bud Cort: backdoor, if you know what i mean...

Billy Corgan shows D'arcy Wretzky his new album.

D'arcy: looks like the Spinal Tap album.

Billy: i wanted it to look like the Pink Floyd album. i died making this album.

D'arcy: i'm worried about you, Billy, why is your face all gory?

Billy: are you coming with us on tour to play your little bass?

D'arcy: Billy, you haven't paid me in 40 years. two things: you can take a break, Billy, it's okay.

Billy: how long?

D'arcy: 10 years. 30 years. second: why are all your album titles from obscure Greek pamphlets?

Bud Cort in "The Trunk": Domino's Pizza?

Domino's Pizza: it's the '80s so yeah.

Bud: can i pay for a pizza with just coins?

Domino's: the coins have to be ROLLED.

Bud: what? rolled coins? who actually does that tho? where the fuck would you even find rolling papers?

Angelina Jolie: why hasn't there been a Carmen Sandiego live-action movie? she's a PBS Tomb Raider...

Trent Reznor: my first album, i was doing Beach Boys Pet Sounds...

Rockapella: we learned a capella from Boyz II Men. 

Mitt Romney: is Mormonism a cult?

Rockapella: dangerous question. 

Mitt: i can't help that i happen to be from Utah...

Rockapella: yeah the fickleness of geography...

Barry Carl: the Carmen Sandiego game-show theme song is STEEPED in wordplay. a lot of English professors, not geography professors, come up with the lyrics.

Barry White: i told you not to test me, man, i'm a gentle soul but i will kick your ass on live TV.

gumshoe: i like to put people in jail.

host: like Carmen Sandiego?

gumshoe: no, you.

Carmen Sandiego: because of me, the Soviet Union collapsed. wasn't that a good thing?

Putin: but then, my mysterious mellifluous madam, Putin Puttanesca started hitting American shelves.

Carmen: i'm a quadruple agent and you're an asshole.

Thurston Howell III: i'm thirsty for a British Open...

at the British Open, a man under an umbrella is DESPERATE to show a woman his phone...

Boc in neon orange Air Jordans: the smell of fish in the air...

Stephen King: in winter it's Hemingway, in summer it's just rancid.

Ernest Hemingway: an air of fishermen in the air...

David Gilmour: Pink Floyd "Echoes" will turn you into Merlin.

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins must have longer songs than this...

Richard Simmons: i'm a great guy.........pay very close attention to the exact words i just typed...

Beth Gibbons: the THRUM...

John McEnroe from Gods of Tennis: i hit that winner across the net from the floor. i literally had NO LEGS, i was on the French floor, SITTING on the court. Rafa Nadal, lick my legs.

Rafa Nadal: the fuck you say.

John: to clean off the red clay, aren't all you Spaniards on dust?

Mariska Hargitay: i'm playing Brooke Trantor in the Great Gatsby prequel...

Christopher Meloni: can't do the zaddy shit forever. i am REALLY sick of being a cop. i gotta get back to doing druggie movies.

Justin Rose: Tony Hawk changes a bloke. Tony winked at me from the gallery and i've worn my golf hat backwards ever since...

King Arthur: but 4 is the ultimate LUCKY number. it's the four-crest of Arthurian legend, my legend. castles have four corners.

Hayao Miyazaki: Arthurian is bullshit, you guys just copied the Samurai. hey, stick it in your flour hole, king.

Smylie Kaufman: why can't i host SNL? if Eli Manning can host SNL so can i.

Eli Manning: about that...

Nurse Ratched, crying: my encounter with Richard Simmons moved me so much i became a nun...

Lucio Rossi: i'm REAL CLOSE with Anthony Michael Hall.

Anthony Michael Hall: Lucio was the only one who didn't forget about me...

hymen: needs a high man...

Chris Cornell: in my dream we're at the Singles coffee shop, you know, the Friends cafe. Layne is there and looking healthy. Layne leaves his band, Kurt leaves his band, and the two of them become the grunge Simon & Garfunkel. 

Martina Navratilova: one fluted glass, two straws, first date: Chris and i have the very first mint-chocolate-chip shake.

Chris: it tastes like nirvana.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi in Venice.

Steejo: okay but why did i have to tag along?

Suzy Lu: hey Steejo, remember when i liked you in my 20s?

Steejo: the platonic sleepovers. 

Suzy: you were so dumb, i had to TELL you i liked you, you didn't pick up on any of my 100 signals.

Steejo: the button in the hotel room is the dimmer, right? not the drapes.

Kakashi: dumber, not dimmer. my mouth is drapes. they call me Mr. Tibbs.

Usopp: lost faith in humanity? worship me, cartoon characters will never let you down.

Sabo from One Piece: i'm the anime Doctor Who...

Sailor Moon: nobody can find a job? dream harder, numbnuts. what did you always want to be? yes, the best job in the world is shrine maiden.

The Twilight Zone "Rendezvous in a Dark Place": the most original concept of death i've ever seen.

Janet Leigh: i know it's the '80s and everything but i'm looking like Nancy Reagan...

Gabe Kotter/Rod Serling pimp coat: this is a winter coat, not a cold-summer coat...

Boc: strewn across the Lucky parking lot: crumpled-up gray Neiman Marcus bag, ICEE paper mall cup, McDonald's ring.

ICEE: all three ICEE flavors: cherry, blue raspberry, Coke...

Hayao Miyazaki: don't vote for Bump just because the Crunchyroll comments closed down...

Spalding Gray: hey Kurt, come stay at my place in Hollywood. i'm never at the house, i'm always in Cambodia.

Kurt Cobain: can i claim your blanket?

Shelley Duvall: if your drama doyenne, your drama teacher summers in the '80s at UCLA was like me in Faerie Tale Theatre, you had that rare drama teacher. she was a spark, she had long crumpled brown chair, a light-blue-and-white checkered jumper, and you wanted to run away with her.

Robin Givens: i was on Head of the Class, then i got married to Mike Tyson, and then i starred as myself in my own Lifetime movie...

Kurt Loder: i was Generation X's Walter Cronkite.

The Two Coreys: you broke the news about Kurt Cobain to the world. 

Kurt Cobain: The Two Kurts.

Nigella Lawson: i'm fine casual.

Leslie Sbrocco: and i'm fast casual.

Dryden from Escaflowne: John Lennon glasses, Rod Serling voice...

Ron Perlman: The Twilight Zone "Cat and Mouse," it's Beauty and the Beast as written by Lars von Trier. i want that PHONE!!! it's so '80s. best line: it's the way of the tomcat.

Buc-ee's: NOT Chuck E. Cheese.........i WISH i was Alvin the chipmunk...

Jen in galaxy leggings is at the gift shop window-shopping like a madwoman.

Jen: we need a good bumper sticker.

me: eARTh?

Jen: too old. I'M NOT COOL WITH GLOBAL WARMING with a picture of the ICEE polar bear, that's the one.

Jen: look at that car, it's PERFECT!!! we need a mode of travel, our camper's in the garage with Nick from Family Ties working on it. he's tending to our carburetor with his earring which is his wrench.

me: EY.

Jen: get the $2000 in cash from my Sophia purse.

me: this is so '80s movie.

Jen slinks into the car through the window and hotwires it with the built-in car cigarette-lighter. the car with us in it immediately disappears into thin air and lands in outer space right smack-dab in the center of the Moon's eye: the Mare Orientale, the moon's only living body of water...

Jen: this saves on energy. and changes our plans.

me: why is this Pinto now blue-grey?

Jen: it's a trick of the eye, the moon isn't really blue-grey, it's clear...

GARY KILDALL: OVERCAST SUMMER

Gary Kildall: Bill Gates killed all my dreams.

dad: wanna talk about it?

Gary: i didn't cause the global power outage out of revenge. Bob Newhart was a computer techie.

Bob Newhart: don't call me a nerd, asshat. 

God: hi Bob.

Gary: wanna eat at this lobster place over here?

dad: nah, i had an orange lobster as a pet when i was a kid. 

Simple Minds: we'll never be a hair band...

Bill Murray: The Shining reboot with me in the Jack role. i'll be less menacing than Jack, more jokey.

Shelley Duvall: only if it's Winona Ryder.

Sofia Coppola: no, Scarlett Johansson, this will be the Lost in Translation sequel...

Clint Eastwood playing Pebble Beach links golf: i don't know how many kids i have, leave me alone. i had a kid in high school instead of doing math, Americans are bad at math.

Bill Murray: that was me, hi dad.

Clint: why didn't i stay with Dina Ruiz? she was normal.

Dina Ruiz: and a local celebrity. our wedding was a big to-do.........only on the KSBW channel. to think all i ever wanted to be was a newscaster...

Clint: i dropped that anchor. and then you dropped me.

Dina: you made me an alcoholic, Clint.

Clint: people think i'm the same as Charlton Heston, but i'd have to play Moses as an atheist...

Clint: i couldn't join AA...

Gary: the day of the big meeting came. Bill Gates and IBM flew down to Pacific Grove.

Bill Gates: to see you in your skateboard garage.

Gary: it was a cart barn. you stole my idea to make computers CUTE!!!

Bill Gates: no i didn't, that was Steve Jobs, HE did the Macintosh 128K later. i gathered the IBM fellas in a Druid circle all around the TinoType telephone. i asked you, Gary, are you ready for your McKinsey interview now?...

Bill Gates: hey fellas, the phone is typing something from Gary: je suis fatigue

Gary: i'm always tired.

Bill: why weren't you at that fateful meeting?

Gary: you told me you left your keys at your Seattle mansion and to take your private-jet seaplane to pick them up...

Bill: by the way i've since lost the keys to that plane...

Gary: i was so depressed after that i turned to uppers. 

dad: yeah but that was just computer culture in the '80s.

Gary: Bill Gates had stolen my identity. HE was my digital doppelganger. people in Omni Magazine interviews kept asking me why i wasn't Bill Gates. i told them because i don't wear glasses.

Gary: i turned to dangerous books and movies. i read John Steinbeck's East of Eden and watched The Wild One. before long i thought i was Marlon Brando in a motorcycle jacket who was angry at what the world GOT. i went to a biker bar in Monterey and had a pleasant time.

River Phoenix: yeah, luckily i was there to break your fall when you tripped on the gold counter cowboy-boot railing.

Gary: thanks for the save, River. River, weird name. 

dad: so a bar gang didn't attack you?

Gary: oh they did. they had coiled vipers on the back of their black jackets. but River was there.

River: i fended those leather-clad hooligans off with a giant cucumber i used as my sword. they got aroused and left. 

River: and then i tripped on the railing and Gary broke my fall before i had a massive concussion. 

dad: the difference between concussion and contusion is massive. i was a doctor's son.

River: thanks, friend Gary. it was a good thing you were there, Johnny Depp was nowhere to be found.

Johnny Depp: i work a lot. i'm always working. i'm never around.

Hormel Angus Chili: it only tastes good with no beans.

Gareth Southgate: where do i go from here?

Bill Gates: enter my gate from the south end.

Maria Shriver: i'm not Kuato. that's Mars not Mrs. Schwarzenegger.

Trent Reznor: everyone wants to be a musical genius. everyone wants to be Bjork in their bedroom. "The Only Time" is the perfect promposal song.

The Twilight Zone "The Trunk".

Bud Cort: do these glasses make me look inscrutable? why are these The Warriors rejects bothering me? once you've had Shelley Duvall, these women are a dime a dozen. why couldn't i ask the trunk to make the girl like me? for me, not my things. it's the hallway from the Silverchair "Emotion Sickness" music video. in the end, i get young Maude. back when Maude had a pleasant voice and a nice butt. it would have been better if i had remained locked in the trunk forever, since when does The Twilight Zone have happy endings?...

Shelley Duvall; were you ever someone's muse like me?

Bud Cort: not like you, i was a paid muse.

Jen R at the biker bar: drink your Clamato juice in a shot from a shot glass in the morning, get it over with...

that man in the One-A-Day commercial touches the cap of that multivitamin bottle so TENDERLY.

Sting: windmills of your mind. 

Willie Nelson wearing Don Quixote armor and smiling: you were always on my mind, you were a windmill in my addled mind. the only thing that healed my brain was pot. Snoop Dogg is taking me to Medieval Times.

Jen: i changed the sheets in our camper. they're light airy Three's Company '70s paisley sheets.

me: these sheets are SO LIGHT there are no sheets.

Jen: that's the power of silk, baby. 

at the beach.

seagull: hey!!! pick up your green pill in the sand. we don't want to be picking that shit up with our beaks.

Jack Tripper: sorry. it helps me stay at work.

IHOP: hey you got any of those extra-large Ziploc bags? we got a couple extra pancakes.

Royal Troon: the herding wind will kill you.

Boc: back from my morning walk, i thought i was inhaling mist. i was inhaling haze.

Jimi Hendrix: ...

Boc: i was swallowing smoke and i gave up cigs a decade ago. at least let it be fun like pot smoke.

Jen: Parliament Slim 110s, bitch sticks.

Virginia is for Lovers.........of cigarettes.

Chrissie and Martina in the '70s: for staying slim?

Billie Jean King: we've come a long way, baby.

Talia: remember when i started talking to you in English last night?

me: that was a little disconcerting for a cat.

Talia: it was that scene from Lars von Trier's Antichrist but totally benevolent.

Lynne Thigpen: the Carmen Sandiego game show, that was every kid's introduction to World Music.

Peter Gabriel: it was mine.

Barry Carl: with my voice i got more women than Barry White.

Barry White: no, sucka, no.

Richard Simmons on SNL: cholesterol tastes good. i'm here to propose marriage to Linda Richman. the Deal-A-Meal cards are dance cards.

Porky Pig: that Deal-A-Meal catalog looked like a package of bacon.

CVS: Vanquish.........has vanquished off the shelves.

me: that doesn't make up for the lack of magic white pills in my life. i do a Breaking Bad every time i enter the Walmart website.

Tiger Woods: Colin Montgomerie? the dude who looks like a British nanny?

Colin Montgomerie: that hurts. the British part.

Tiger: James Patterson, you're doing fanfiction now? come on, bro.

Curious George: Candybowl this morn for milady? the chocolate bars offer madame the finest bouquet. wine lollipops...

Kamala Harris and Gretchen Whitmer: fine, we're lesbians. is that enough to get just enough Republican votes to win?...

Panda Express: we have dessert.........apple pie...

Elon Musk: those Econolines scare me, they look like kidnap vans.

Michael J. Fox: the Tesla Truck looks like the DeLorean in my worst nightmare.

Hayao Miyazaki: the Tesla Truck is like bad '80s anime. when will people LEARN about Earth?!!!...

Bob Newhart: this time, it IS a dream...

Purple Crayon: oh Harold, you need to do your exercises, you're turning into a chubby kid.

Harold: Invisible Chair...

Gary: when you first crack open that fucking 45-ouncer of Country Crock butter.

Jen: that's the tub i want to soak in, not my jacuzzi.

Gary: that convex alien ship in the middle of the butter...

me: THIS is the power of wax paper!!! it kept the microwave clean from a tomato bomb!!! it cooked the Puttanesca olive all the way through!!!

Jen: next time try cheesecloth.

dentist holding a water-flosser: what good are healthy gums if you're alone?

Kevin Blackistone: i didn't get into sports journalism for the sports, i did it to get access to the weightroom. i did it for my health. the author of the Arthur Aardvark books leads The Open. I'm a professor.........of sports. the worldwide power outage is gonna affect the Olympics.

Jackie Fitzgerald: ...

Jules Smith: the English cucumber is so big and bumpy it counts as ONE, not two...

Queen Kate out and about: i booked an eternal reservation at Islands restaurant in the Del Monte Center in Monterey.........a forever reservation.........in case Keanu changes his mind...

Pam: i mean you're here again so you might as well see the jubbies.

goat on cliff: i'm gonna be okay, you human mountain-climbers are crazy.

Lou Dobbs: i was TRULY scary.

Neil Armstrong: i was responsible for that Working Girl scene with the housewife vacuuming bottomless.

Andrew Gold: when Laraine Newman dumped me, i lost my way there for the rest of the '80s, i was floating in the Milky Way or something...

dad: the story has a happy ending?

Gary: yeah, i went to work for Steve Jobs. you always got the sense Steve Jobs was doing it for the right reasons, that he actually CARED, he wanted to help, better, and ADVANCE humanity.

Steve Jobs: tech sucks, i'm a priest.

me: happy weekend, my babies.

dad: what's on the menu, son? i'm bringing a hungry guest.

Gary: i warn you, i'm always tired and i eat A LOT.

Jen: The Burger Den, has that Medieval-tavern vibe, Queensryche in jester uniforms are the house band...

Gary: has a nice fireplace. i smoked crack by that fireplace.

 

 

 

 

GARY KILDALL: COMPUTER CHRONICLES

Gary Kildall: after the collapse i still needed to make ends meet. you see that auctioneering car out front?

dad: it's a cool shunted minivan.

Gary: i sold my wares out of it. i was so out of it. to the lowest bidder. to the cheapest bidder. to the bidder who would add me to their label. hard chairs back then, no soft seats. 

dad: you look familiar. i recognize you, you're FAMOUS!!! i remember you on Computer Chronicles, that show was everything to us tech nerds. you taught me how to get out of mazes and swing on vines, don't ever sell yourself short. you were the king of the '80s!!!

Gary: it was on PBS. i wish it had been on NBC instead of Wheel of Fortune.

at the PBS studios in San Francisco.

Gary: see that corner over there? by the standing fern? Leslie Sbrocco taught me about life back there.

dad: you were living out of your garage at one point?

Gary: yeah. 

dad: but if you had a garage then you had a house.

Gary: our Christmas episodes were the most popular, we'd talk about how Nintendo was eating America's lunch.

Gary: speaking of, i'm hungry. my coworkers make the best Indian food. bhaji, pakora...

dad: oh i love Indian food, it's so sumptuous and succulent, especially hot curry.

Gary: i can't eat that shit, my head was on fire decades ago.

dad: i mean it's probably just heat stroke. take a shower in the vegetable section at Safeway and cool off under the Pimms tent. 

Jen R: stay under a large Miyazaki mushroom when the rains come.

dad: you just need your resolve back.

Gary: what's resolve?

dad: when you solve again. hey remember when i called you guys up and asked to be on the show? you said something about MS-DOS and hung up.

Gary: no you said you had an appointment the day of filming.........with Alex Trebek?...

Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself" music video: Nine Inch Nails "We're in This Together" music video...

cucumber: add an apricot to your cucumber salad to have a fruit-salad-salad-salad salad. cucumber combo.

Michael Weiss: if you're showing you and your friends on Instagram, why are you on Instagram?...

Brooke Trantor: i look like your Aunt Vielka.

me: omg you do, you really do.

Brooke Trantor: it's my birthday week. buckle up. it's also Shark Week...

Jen: i'm gonna DoorDash a coffee.

George Michael in the "Careless Whisper" music video: Sonny Crockett came to me for fashion advice. i told him to wear the earring and come to London. i flew him in from Miami on my private-jet seaplane...

Philip Michael Thomas: why was Tubbs always second? was it ever Tubbs & Crockett? no, because i was black and it was still the '80s.

George Michael: those red sheets in the music video were woven from the Red String of Fate.

Tootsy Wootsy: you're a hard shirking man.........that's shirking not shrinking, shirking is worse.

Brooke Trantor: sharking. 

England soccer: headers? we don't use headers to score. we play football with our hearts not our heads.

Jules Smith: yeah. lionhearted. lionheaded tho. a lion's head has that gorgeous mane of gold hair like Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain: wanna play Mario Kurt?

Jules: yeah.

Martin Yan: you can SMELL the heat before you can taste the heat.

Martin Yan: endless lemon wedges...

Gareth Southgate: i could have made that header. i'm good with headers not penalty kicks. lads lads, all the England team needed was a Snickers.

Shelley Duvall: i'm part-hippie, part-goth. Jackson is such a beautiful name. 

Jack Nicholson with Joker smile: i don't have a Ring doorbell because i'm not good with screws...

Shelley: ...  

Gary Kildall: should chili be ORANGE?

The Noodle Palace: we closed before we could experience the blackness of The Barnyard.........the black asphalt of the parking lot. let's reopen and offer Vietnamese burgers...

Julie Patzwald: if one door closes and another door opens.........you're living in a haunted house.

Gary Kildall: don't i know it.

Greykid: you'd work in a cat cafe fur free...

Ingmar Bergman: this life is not a rehearsal.

Ingmar's actors: was that meant only for your actors?

Ingmar: it is the stark reality. it especially hits hard for non-actors.

Aeon Flux: Hmmmmmmmmm...

Pam: it's been so long since i've seen my jubbies.

Kurt Cobain: wanna make lavender tea actually healthy? crush some Vanquish pills into a teacup...

David Bowie at Wimbledon: stick out your teacup pinkie, your teacup pinkie-finger. that's British for sticking out your tongue.

Martin Yan: give yourself a shave with a cucumber peeler...

Jen: i don't like guys with beards anymore.

beans: it actually doesn't matter if you eat beans cold.

Mr. Big: blond Fred Armisen on bass guitar...

Boc: i'm not a walker, i'm a flaneuse. i walk to avoid catching fleas. 

Shelley Duvall wearing a legionnaire hat: why did Kubrick come up WAY short?

Boc: in 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Shelley: no, in life.  

Boc: why can't dog flea collars last a lifetime? it's so fucking hot i'm scared of contracting cancer. i wish i had someone to wink at.

Pam: you can always stay with me in San Diego.

me: in the main house? in the art house? in your atelier?

Pam: no, in the garage. it's still San Diego.

me: yeah but Jack Tripper's never around.

Jack Tripper: i'm always at work.

Jim Belushi: i just realized this, i was on SNL during the fucking LEAN YEARS, man. the SHANK of SNL. i mean, shit. instead of dress rehearsals we'd have meetings telling us where we could eat lunch if the show got cancelled that day. didn't John's brother deserve better than that?...

Lance Armstrong: you can't have a situation were the Olympics bicycle race in Paris is better than the Tour de France...

Walt: when all else fails, work for Disney...

Jen: is this attractive? am i attracting you?

me: what are you doing?

Jen: the Shelley Duvall parrot dance.

me: i'm attracted to your clothes.

Jen: Shelley's '70s Gallagher look. paint splotches, kaleidoscopic patches, newsboy cap.

Shelley Duvall: and tailfeather that's just my hand's fingers.

Boc sees two old men walking together.

Boc: that's Vicious Season 3!!!

parking lot: we'll be closed for a month for black-asphalt repaving.........when we open back up the parking lot will look so pretty and be TWICE as dangerous.

Joe Pera: as President i promise a fruit arch in every backyard. to calm nerves. a country apple is not an apple. spur fruit is not sour fruit...

microwave: the READY flashing light was on ALL NIGHT?!!! no wonder i'm broken...

Carlton: the Carlton Dance was the first and ONLY dance you ever learned.

Martin Yan: oil your wok in an Uzumaki Swirl...

Coke Icee: you forgot, you don't drink Coke anymore, remember?...

Dirg at the wedding.

Dirg: nice to see your tits i mean you again.

Jillian Clare: i mean do you really belong at a wedding? a wedding is too advanced for you.

Roger Federer: for some reason you can hear EVERYTHING the players are complaining about when they're on Rhode Island grass courts...

Jillian Clare: i'm right now the ripest age for babymaking.

Fran Drescher: but you started in show biz at a young age, so you're really 60 years old...

Jillian: this wedding is taking place in the EXACT MIDDLE of summer...

buck moon: R.E.M. will get back together when all world religions go back to worshipping the moon...

Naomi Pomeroy: i'll kiss your sandwich. i wear a glitter Vegas dollar-sign hat but i look cool not lame. why? because i'm from Portland. Portland Potstickers? yeah that one was mine. i also did Slacker Sausage, Grunge Pie, and the Bike Burger.

Washed Out: you fed us 7 days a week during our first album.

Naomi: got a little jealous of your wife. 

Sue Mi Terry: no it's SOUTH Korea, we're friends, don't worry about it...

Nelly Korda: i'm not doing any more fucking commercials. i'm getting back to winning Majors. i don't care if i'm pretty!!! i'm a golfer, not Bud Cort!!!

me: it's a new era at Panera. 

Jen: they have the new Souper Sandwich to honor Harlan Ellison. with Crazy Sauce.

Harlan Ellison: i'm not Ralph Ellison, i've never been serious like that. i'm suspicious of this sandwich.

Samsung at the hot Korean diner.

woman: i have a distinctive face.

counter-woman and patrons: and we don't?

woman: try me.

counter-woman: you wanna fight?

Kevin Garnett: Wendy's Saucy Nuggs? i did NOT get paid for this. Garnett, not Durant.

Wendy's: i mean EVENTUALLY we're all gonna run out of fast-food ideas...

Samsung in Pacific Grove Forest.

British-Indian woman: and what's THIS bird then?

British-Indian man: wait let me look it up. i'm a Google scholar. here it is, this bird mates by getting naked in the woods. bird, both meanings?...

woman: let's take things slow. build me a nest with your twig and berries.

Gary: have you ever been so tired you throw your Atari coffee mug into your computer screen and break your computer? 

dad: yes. but my mug is Ziggy.

Gary: i'm looking up whether it's home of or home to. i clicked on a link and it sent me to my birth certificate, that was weird. you ever type something in the search bar, press ENTER, and nothing happens? my wife Connie is having a rough go of it. she keeps getting unsolicited political DMs on her phone.

wife: i was tired when i signatured my name, they think my name is Kelsey.

dad: why did PBS cancel Computer Chronicles finally?

Gary: my co-star started playing with pirate puppets. that looked like him.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP: FUCK THE NAPKIN

 

Jen R: hey can i borrow your dryer brush?

Gary Kildall: yes my hair is nice. before you start.........i am not Nolan Bushnell...

Jen: i'll trade you this VERY RARE can of Pringles with the original Broadway cast of Hairspray...

Frida Kahlo is surfing at Carmel Beach.

Frida Kahlo: Diego Rivera of course isn't here with me.

Diego Rivera: give me a break, muchacha, the only way i can beach is by bodyboarding...

Jen: when i was in Austin i picked up some authentic Texas birria with Shelley Duvall.

Shelley Duvall: the REAL authentic Texas birria is in Nashville...

Frida Kahlo: only Shelley Duvall has permission to call me mamacita...

Jen: roasting marshmallows. it's so hot here you don't need a campfire...

Doryce: i'm sorry but that eggshell was SO WRINKLY it looked like my vagina.

Gladyce: the world must contend with the witch vagina, it's the only way it's gonna survive.

Kevin Bacon: weirdly and strangely, me seeing if i'd attend the Footloose Prom got international coverage, but when i actually WENT to that prom, there were no cameras, it was a completely private event...

Ingrid Andress: i wasn't drunk. the National Anthem needs a tweak.

Ursula Andress: not my kid. i fucked Federer. then i fucked Ingmar Bergman.

all MLB baseball players: you just kinda know when someone's drunk, you know?

Jeanette Moncada: Gold Leaf Spice & Teas, the LUSH of spicy teas. no lavender tea. i'll be your tea barista this morning. i'm just doing this until Paul McCartney notices me.

Kurt Cobain: i like your jeans.

LCD Soundsystem: dance yrself clean.

Washed Out: ...

spade-toothed whale: Pinocchio has been with me this whole time.........that's why he was "lost at sea" for so long.........we plan to marry. you really learn to love a guy who's inside you for so long.

Livvy Dunne: do the splinker on me...

Eye Luggage: This Is Spinal Tap and go.

Spinal Tap: SUMMER WATCH PARTY!!!

Christopher Guest: daftly, we got three Americans doing British accents instead of three Brits. i'm SORTA British...

Christopher Guest: ...enough that i'm in the Royal Family. i'm actually Meghan Markle's valet.

Michael McKean: so the umlaut is over the L in Spinal?

Harry Shearer: this is my real mustache, helps me do cartoon voices, my mouth is trapped and can't move...

Tony Hendra: i am BRILLIANT in this as the band manager, i have such natural acting ability, why didn't i do more stuff? why didn't i become famous?.........oh, THAT's why...

June Chadwick: i was only hot in 1984...

June Chadwick: i was the woman on the seaplane from the George Michael "Careless Whisper" music video!!!...

Baloo: George Michael and i had a special relationship in the '80s.........we were both at the height of our fame after a comeback...

Bruno Kirby: yes, i'm the limo driver from those MTV commercials...

Bruno Kirby: my name sounds like a SEGA video game from the '90s...

Rob Reiner: to this day nobody knows the name of the U.S.S. Ship on my Navy hat. i don't know it either, but that tugboat was captained by Jean-Luc Picard.

Patrick Stewart: those were actual scrambled eggs which you et, you ate them, you tucked into them, you tub of lard.

Rob: that's hurtful. i can't eat meat anymore, do you how much that pains especially ME?!!! i'm fat but i don't have a fat head full of harmful ideas that are coming back to bite America. what a minute, are you British or French?

Spinal Tap: this was the first mockumentary. people didn't know what to make of it, they thought it was a real documentary about a real band.

Rob: you know why you can't find the script to this anywhere on the net? because this movie was COMPLETELY IMPROVISED...

Viv Savage: Viv is the loveliest of British names...

drummer in tub: now THIS is punk rock.

Dave Grohl: personally i liked Spinal Tap in their Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" era. they got too corporate when they started doing the Mamas and the Papas. what's the big deal with all the drummers dying? we each have our day. to shine. everyone has spontaneously combusted, that is a universal human experience.

Detective Conan with spyglass snooping around the garden: dead gardeners always get forgotten. even the ones in English gardens...

Bruno Kirby: you can't put the partition up on me, this is MY limo!!! i'm driving this thing!!! see these English rock bands today, in the '80s, have no respect. The Beatles had respect, Ringo asked me where the Chipotle was. i politely told Ringo Chipotle wasn't a thing yet. Ringo was devastated. trashing hotel rooms ain't cool, i married a Mexican maid named Pati. my wife bears the burden of music greatness. legal wife by the way. heavy metal is dead, it's a fad, the real music comes later with Vaporwave and Christian Slater.

Spinal Tap: our skiffle days, when we ate nothing but peanut brittle. being on the road SUCKS, it's not about freedom at all. we were the Thamesmen when we found out Benny Hill owned that label, we don't want to be associated with his perversion. we needed money back then and we still do. 

Michael McKean: Hair ripped us off but Treat Williams does have a nicer singing voice than me.

nanny: The Beatles had NOTHING on their cover for The White Album and they did pretty well.

Trent Reznor: Nothing, aye?...

Spinal Tap: but we're not The Beatles. Smell The Glove is a philosophical treatise on why humans aren't touching each other anymore. soon humans won't talk to each other anymore and the advance of AI will slip in. robot takeover.

Harry Shearer: i know i do cartoons but i'm not getting into this anime cocoon...

Polly Deutsch: the napkin said inches not feet. the Stonehenge Druids were short. you had no idea i was Anjelica Huston, did you?...

Paul Shaffer: kick my ass, baby, if you can find it. it's plump like Canadian bacon. this is the reason i was strangely an SNL cast member for that one year...

Howard Hesseman: my lead singer is gifted. he's Treat Williams. my band plays rock music that makes you THINK. they're called Rush. they're getting the airplay they deserve because i'm a radio disc jockey...

Rob: just make 11 10.

Guest: that's too confusing. 

Guest: i'm tough as nails. see this shirt? these are my actual ribs. neon ribs after i drank the slime from my He-Man castle. we subsequently used the Greyskull as the band skull on top of us on stage when we play.

St. Hubbins: astrology is so bullshit. the only truth is music. the only action is performing.........music.

June: i can give you a Pettiboner but only if you're an Aries.

Derek Smalls: i sound like a rapper...

Ed Begley Jr.: i didn't disappear, i'm not another disappeared drummer, i'm just staying at the St. Elsewhere hospital...

Curly from the Three Stooges: my stomach became invincible after eating asparagus.

Rob: the review for Shark Sandwich was two words: Shit Sandwich.

Spinal Tap: you can't just have two words in the newspaper that like, come on, mate.

Spinal Tap: this new album cover is just black. black all over. it's The White Album only black.

Billy Corgan: this is literally my worst nightmare.

Hayao Miyazaki: don't worry, Blacker Than Black the anime is going nowhere...

Christopher: it's like a black mirror. let me give my frat brother Jon Hamm a call.

McKean: could we maybe add a coiled snake on the cover...

Metallica: shit.

Spinal Tap at Elvis's memorial grave: this is a set, they wouldn't let us into Graceland in real life... 

Spinal Tap backstage: where's the door?

Spinal Tap go through the wrong door and come out into a Wimbledon grass court.

John McEnroe: i'm teaching David Bowie how to tennis. he'll look like Bjorn Borg in no time...

Bowie: i could show you a few bars on the ol' guitar there, John my boy.

John: can i zhuzh your hair, Dave?

Laertus: okay when they go to the Air Force base and start in on the song "Sex Farm," i BUSTED up laughing at those lyrics.

Spalding Gray: that song is my life before i broke big.

Michael: we're playing a puppet show. we're the opening act for a puppet show in Forest Theatre in Carmel!!!

June: and we only got the gig because i'm "friends" with Mister Rogers.

Billy Corgan: see you in June.  

Harry: no problem, the stage is like a Mini Hollywood Bowl. i'll bust out some of my experimental music that makes us sound like the band Yes...

Harry: i mean all heavy-metal bands are progressive in the end, right?...

Yes: no.

Soleil Moon Frye: Punky Brewster McCloud, the name of my hardcore punk band. 

Michael: i mean the universe blows my mind. you know? how can the universe HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED?

Stephen Hawking: because i said so.

Michael: i don't care about music now. when there's the universe.

Chris: i'm a fish nut. 

dad: yeah me too. Filet-o-Fishes from McDonald's. the good way. the way they were done in the '80s, charred on the corners like Jackson Pollock. fish sticks? nah, we didn't have air fryers in the '80s...

Chris: fish fingers...

Spinal Tap: we also came up with the concept of Big in Japan.

Hayao Miyazaki: i've never heard of you.

Spinal Tap: so, once and for all, what real-life band was the inspiration for Spinal Tap? Scorpions? Deep Purple? Motorhead? Judas Priest? Billy Idol?

Dirk the Daring: DragonForce, right?

Ringo: Led Zeppelin. g'night folks.

 

GARY KILDALL: I INVENTED THE COMPUTER

Gary Kildall: ever wake up with a THROB, a DULL BUMP on your head filled with nerves? that's me everyday.

dad: you and i have the same energy. that's how i would have looked, i never wore a beard my whole life. nice digs you got here.

Gary: like the Lighthouse Ave pad? it's a historic house!!! it's the best-looking site in Pacific Grove.........okay after the McDonald's in the woods. wanna enter my toilet and take an everything shower?

dad: say what?

Paul: he means bathroom.

Gary: sorry, i am FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME. got gremlins in my head.

dad: i know the feeling. except Gizmo is in my head.

Gary: come in anytime, come over and we'll talk shop. chop it up over shop. talk computer programming.

Maddie Meyer: i take the AP photos that make the whole world cry. what ever happened to Ellie from Degrassi?...

Lleyton Hewitt: what ever happened to Josh Hamilton?...

Lleyton Hewitt: remember my era of tennis? tennis was breezy during my reign.

Maddie Meyer: don't worry about me, this wasn't a WKRP The Who situation...

Jen R: Pacific Grove is beautiful.

me: this forest village is known for its cucumbers.

Jen: right? i went to, Safeway is it? the cashieress gave me funny looks for buying a cucumber that was LONG and GIRTHY.

me: Skylar is spicy.

Jen: that's the thing, you can't get just ONE cucumber or it's a vibrator. you gotta get at least TWO cucumbers, or get a baggie of 8 baby cucumbers for the week. this is my new salad!!! one cucumber cut into broad slices in a bowl skin-on, unwashed, natural from the Portland dirt. i've sworn off avocados!!! Pati Jinich can kiss my Mexican ass. i bow down to ONE Mexican savioress, Frida Kahlo in a rainbow flamenco skirt.

me: that's hot, i'm picturing that now. 

Pati Jinich: picture me vacuuming bottomless in Working Girl...

Jen: cucumbers come as advertised, they are COOL in your mouth, like Stuart Scott's pillow, it's so soothing. they're basically unsalted pickles. plain gherkins with a stem for a head like Einstein at an all-girls Catholic science school.

Jen and i at Safeway.

Jen: who is that BEAUTIFUL MAN in the frozen-poultry section with the lion's mane of gold hair so long and straight the locks cover his bluejeans and black motorcycle jacket? hey Kurt.

Kurt Cobain: my musical idol was Fonzie. but i never rode a motorcycle, too corporate. hey kid.

me: me?

Kurt: lay off the lavender tea. flowers were never meant to go in drinks. Pennyroyal Tea is just PG Tips.

Boc: back in the day when i was Baltimore Boc. see not everyone can go walking in their neighborhood, the hood is too dangerous to walk in. remember, when you're talking to someone, everyone has lost millions. some have lost $5, some $5000.

Lindy Lenz: why you looking at me? you little bastard.

Boc: be compassionate and offer to walk-pool. 

Lindy: not those electric bikes that go WHIZZING by down San Francisco hills, bicycles were not meant to go 300 mph.

me on the phone: what are you wearing?

Lindy Lenz: i'm completely naked right now.........wanna come over?

me: *blacking out in my mind* that really is more effective.........than clothes.

Lindy: we're just gonna play gin rummy and eat cheese.

me: right.

Ewan McGregor: Trainspotting wasn't a movie, it was an ethos. Born Slippy wasn't a Vaporwave ideal, it was a call to change your life. rave wasn't a fad, it was family. Extasy was Sunny Delight the orange drink in pill form. it wasn't a drug thing, it was the entire '90s aesthetic.

Jules Smith: yeah.........apart from the toilet.

Paul: have you ever inhaled plumber's cement? i had to bury my best friend. but then Super Mario popped back up.

Ewan: i was your Jesus.

me: i had the strangest dream.........i don't remember the dream, all i remember is i was Kelly Clarkson in the dream...

telenovelas: why do we start at 1:15, not 1:00?

youtuber part of a youtube group: how to live life.........your parents didn't teach you this, you didn't learn this from Hamlet in school, so it's up to us strange hosts on YouTube to tell you why this stuff keeps happening to you...

The Twilight Zone "Devil's Alphabet".

Stewie from Family Guy: what the deuce said here SERIOUSLY.

Will Ferrell: i look good with a mustache.

John Travolta: that funny-looking ginger midget Ron Howard is in our ensemble cast...

Neelix: there are no devil cults in outer space...

devil: the devil is an Earth thing, earthbound, the Devil can't be in outer space...

haboob tube: when you stare at a haboob coming at you from your living-room window on your couch...

Robert Altman: you as Olive Oyl, that was perfect casting.

Shelley Duvall: and what do you exactly mean by that?

Robert Altman: you're ugly-hot. but that's a compliment, right?

Martin Yan: you have to let the ESSENCE of the soy-sauce packet wash OVER your entire body before tossing it in the recycling bin out back.

Spalding Gray: nobody took me seriously.........i should have laughed at myself more...

Spalding Gray: the monologues weren't about vanity, i really NEEDED to share with you these words of mine, i NEEDED for you to listen to me ramble on about my day...

Barbora Krejcikova: Wimbledon is becoming the French Open...

Emma Raducanu: remember that one year when the U.S. Open became the French Open?...

Jasmine Paolini: SIGH, no i'm not dating Sinner.

Jannik Sinner: she's not dating a sinner. 

Jasmine Paolini: i'm a cute kid. i'm Muggsy Bogues in tennis form.

Jannik Sinner: what do you mean? Jannik is a very Italian name.

dad: remember when i could tell a person's ethnicity just by hearing their name?

Jannik: yes i'm good on the Giant Slalom and watch Archer, but so what?

Emily Kaplan: be proud of your arm tats as you buy cold eggs at Safeway in a sleeveless shirt. it took awhile for you to get used to my tats but you did...

Puck: you're a hockey reporter so your swim tats are weird.

Lance Armstrong: why even run the Tour de France at all anymore? given the state of the world. all this useless flag waving, waving all these little flags from little obscure tracts of land no one's heard of. sectioned off into squares like tectonic plates. the only flag that needs to be waved, the only flag THAT MATTERS, is the Gay Pride Flag. 

Georgia Kernell: i did so well at Berkeley i have that thing when you google me, you know? it has my picture in full color and original title and everything.

me: i'd settle for my job description...

me: Jasmine Paolini looks like me.

in the stands at Wimbledon.

Tom Brady: there's one thing better than being a football lifer. and that's being a tennis lifer.

Tom Cruise: i'm the only one handsome enough to play you in the Lifetime movie.

Michael Weiss: don't be shocked but everyone on Instagram suddenly speaks Czech...

Nina Gordon: hey Louise Post, Sinead O'Connor can fill in for me, i'm taking three years off to do a double-album opera.

Louise Post: only if you get Sophie Muller to do the video.

Dirg: i mean this strip of bacon LITERALLY looks like a cock. it's like it knows i've been lucid-dreaming about Skylar.

Laertus: eat that strip of bacon, eat your own cock, my friend, that would be growth for you...

Dr. Ruth: remember........sex, not death.

Mercy Lodge next-door to Gary's historically-preserved two-story nice house: we teach you how to not be afraid of Sour Skittles, it's only sour for that first ESSENCE...

HD 189733 b: this exoplanet smells like rotten eggs because Batman refuses to shower because he says that would reveal his identity. Robin the boy became a bird...

Batman: it's a good hiding place for me and the boy. we hate people and noise pollution. there's no space junk here yet...

Alfred: the climes are such that i can FINALLY wear my speedo, sir.

black company: we're a black company so we don't turn into a zombie company...

Zom 100: ...

Richard Simmons: why was i a recluse the last decade of my life? was i sad? nah, after that Whose Line Is It Anyway episode i did, you cannot top perfection.

Thomas Pynchon: you were more hardcore than me as a recluse...

Richard Simmons: want me to slap you? no you really don't, i slap HARD, son. Bob Ross wore a wig, my hair comes from nature, muchacho.

on The Shining set.

Stanley Kubrick: you know what? that first take was pretty good, CUT!!! PRINT!!!

Shelley Duvall: hey Stan, come over for dinner. my husband Jack Nicholson and our 9 kids are having Chicken Piccata. i'm a licensed therapist...

Mister Rogers: *sniff* hey Lorne, can i host SNL?

Lorne Michaels: well you DID give me your trolley...

Mister Rogers: on one condition. change the locks so David Spade can't enter the building. Eddie Murphy was my friend before Arsenio.

Burger King: McDonald's was corporate, WE had the cool toys. we had Mister Rogers toys. you could get an exact model replica of the trolley to put on your window sill.

Mister Rogers: inside your Fun Meal bag.

Burger King: we had Playmobil toys...

Shannen Doherty: Beverly Hills, 90210 was the forbidden show in your household, it was mysterious, your parents wouldn't allow you to watch teens living on the edge. watch me living on the edge, every extra year i got was me living dangerously. 53 went by in a flash. 

Doryce: Gladyce dear, gather up Piper with her pied-piper panpipes and that girl from Who's The Boss who scares me with her beauty and the goth girl from The Craft who scares the bat guano out of me when she smiles, we're gonna have a good old-fashioned seance and bring Shannen back from the dead. Shannen, that's a good Celtic name.

Shannen Doherty: Fairuza Balk called, she's playing me in the Lifetime movie...

bubble mailer: carry in your wallet 5 $1-dollar bills, but not 15 $1-dollar bills...

Dorking, England: England invented soccer and the computer...

Dorking, England: home to every Dungeons & Dragons guild. it is the home of King Arthur after all...

the River Seine: the Paris Olympics will have one GIANT Olympic Torch.........on top of the Eiffel Tower...

Shannen Doherty: P.S., i really WAS a bad girl...

Shirley Jackson drinking coffee on the porch: insist on your cup of stars. roast your cup of stars.

Gladyce: she wrote us into a corner, Doryce dear.

Shirley Jackson: i use my broomstick as a pen.

England football: there's something Shakespearean about all this...

Mario Lopez: if it wasn't for me, the Dog Olympics would not be on TV.

Jim Henson: at least i don't do that demonic puppetry Sugar does on One Piece, i don't do that shit.

eye bulge: it's a very serious condition, only funny in cartoons.

Better Off Dead: a better-than-expected movie, get it?

Bob Saget: i should have played Mister Rogers in the Lifetime movie.

Shelley Duvall: and Bryan Cranston should have played my Kim Cranston.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: can you get rosacea from drinking? why do i drink? because i can't leave the fucking Neighborhood of Make-Believe. have you ever felt trapped in a place you can't escape?

Bob Saget: move to Australia and work on your boomerang.

Betty Aberlin: remember that one episode where i showed my bare feet and looked like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island?

Shelley Duvall: i was on The Carol Burnett Show with my parrot...

Sailor Moon: same next-time episode preview as Detective Conan...

Jen at Chipotle: i feel how cold i COULD have been at midnight in my bed if i hadn't been wrapped in this Chipotle blanket that looks like a burrito tortilla. 

Chipotle: burrito blanket, it lasts longer than our burritos.

Norah Jones: don't know why i didn't come.........get it now? it's not that i didn't go to meet up with him, it's about female orgasm. i didn't cum when he fucked me in his spice hammock in Chatsworth. i guess i never truly loved that man...

Nigella Lawson: we look alike, we should eat something together...

Norah Jones: are you related to someone British-Indian and famous, too?...

Republicans: we took away your PBS food shows this week. as is our wont...

Bjork: i can steal your sunshine.........i'm Bjork, i suck your energy to make forest music. 

Gary Kildall: i'll tell you my troubles sometime.

dad: that's what friends are for.

Gary: wanna go skateboarding?

dad: um, no.