CENTER CORE: THE NEW VEDAS

 

we're at the Berkeley campus convention center.

Jen R: what are you doing here?

me: yeah, we were on a date.

Silk: TED Talks are the future. well the future for young people. i'm hoping to research the hell out of this hall for inspiration.

Jen: your crib notes have such nice handwriting.

Ms. Krause: your penmanship is strong like a woman.

the first TED Talk is "Bjork: Why Only I Have the Magic Pixiedust in Life." followed by Robert Crumb.

Bjork: why are all the questions about farts? i know this is college but come on.

Robert Crumb: unlike Hollywood and legacy media, indie mumblecore film gave me 10 YEARS to do my live-action movie of Fritz the Cat. do you know how rare that is? most investors want their money back in a month.

Ralph Bakshi: i concede, your choice beats doing a cartoon. it is your creation after all, i'm just the janitor director. i don't get what's so complicated, just let everyone speak at a college campus...

Bjork: lowers the temperature. until everyone hears the other in a funny accent.

me: you are radiant. our two souls first met in 1750.

Jen R: yes. at Thomas Jefferson's college pub where he started experimenting if you know what i mean. i can't see you but i hear you. i am blinded by my own radiance. no seriously, it's not my fault, the light is coming from above. how does Heaven work if it's all just Light?...

Trinity the cat: i have the same bearing as grandpa's Kit Kat.

Jack Tripper: i mean how can i date a different woman each week? that's not really dating...

Suzy Lu: only i use the word "class" as a verb in casual conversation...

Jimmie Walker: when you eat Famous Amos cookies, you think of me.

Billy Corgan: remember, i speak Latin.

Romy Mars: Spike Jonze should have been my daddy...

Ms. Krause: did someone say English teacher?...

Starbucks: we really need to do something about catering to our TRUE campus community: our loyal customers want a Chilly Cactus drink!!!

Milk Street: you need those plates that are shallow bowls...

Boston University: Trump doesn't know where our PBS offices are, they're at an undisclosed secret underground-bunker speakeasy. we were the FIRST PBS after all.

the symphonic sound of snoring: soothes the cacophonous call of coughing.

sex: relieves headache better than aspirin...

Mary Hart: i played Doreen on Three's Company. my psychiatric advice? if you're gonna be in show business, don't REPORT on show business...

deep husky voice: the woman is cultured, colleged, intelligent, learned, brimming with measured sex.

Pluto TV: we're one continuous stream of '70s TV shows forever...

Carol Kane: now imagine Bud Cort as an android...

Bud Cort: i do act like Data when i'm acting, but the silver skin would get itchy.

California to a Texan: Disneyland.

every actress: has been on Star Trek: The Next Generation and Monk...

Gaston meat: turkey leg or beef leg?...

mom in a nursing home: they got me on steroids, i'm an Olympic weightlifter.

cats: we warble like birds.

birds: then why aren't we friends?

Predator: don't be afraid, i'm just ALF as a Klingon.

Julia Ioffe: don't be fooled by a couple of weeks, there is NOBODY normal on Instagram...

me: wasn't it lucky i found us this out-of-the-way student housing?

Jen R: Oakland is considered off-campus. there are colleges in Oakland you know...

Jen: this is such a cute little cabin on stilts!!! i get the bed on the second storey that is its own top floor!!!

me: you like our little lake by the cabin that's the size of the producer's swimming pool?

Jen: hurt me. *Jen leaps up Jack Tripper-style* heh!!!

at night in the cabin.

grasshoppers in the reeds: it's too quiet for us.

i'm on the bottom bunk, Jen's on the top bunk.

Jen: this is quite '80s, huh. your vision of Heaven: McDonald's in 1985 at Christmas with the lit menus above wreathed in silver tinsel. night. it's not snowing outside but inside there's this silver mist...

me: so i can FINALLY get that McNugget holiday sauce. one was cranberry and one was gravy.

Jen: Rick and Morty sucks, remember?

i'm eating maple popcorn in bed.

Jen: sticky sheets.

me between chews: why do you get lost on me?

Jen: i get lost so you won't see me like this, see me in this condition. believe me, a woman with an 8-Vanquish-pills-a-day habit is not pretty to look at. mascara can't cover up everything.

me: but i know what it's like, i'm not me until i got the Vanquish in me, it's my Snickers that works. men get sunken eyes, too. dad was a 12-piller a day with his Vanquish fix.

Jen: let's not bring up your dad again, i can't compete with the comparison... 

me: don't you see? i love you. it's too late, i can only see life through your lens now. life is significant only by how you comment on it...