THE BIG SICK: HUMOR HEALS WHEN THERE'S A SICK JOKE

 

Jen R and i are at the Southfield Mall.

Jen R: Naptown is really Sacramento, i've had some of my best sleeps on those park benches. THOSE parks are reclaiming the color orange with their leaves. i'm hungry.

me: you going on a hunger strike for 24 hours to fight your covid?

Jen: i forgot what it was, feed a fever? the covid void. the point is, please send me Taco Bell.

me: do you think i should continue with my therapy if it's stressing me out? why am i looking at random malls on Wikipedia? i have this insatiable impulse to CLICK on things for no reason.

Charlie Sheen: hotshotting? i should be nowhere NEAR a monster truck.

Timber Titans, Deadman's Curse, so these are Republican shows.

heli-logger: i voted for Bernie.

Jim Cantore: it's Deadman's CURVE, it's a show about Peyronie's disease.

Ear Horn: Ghost Pipe flowers, my newest spell powder. i used it to conjure all the organs in the Haunted Mansion ride.

Trent Reznor: it's better than Tang.

Mr. Sandman: it's an elixir which helps me sleep so i won't go to sleep from one of Mike Tyson's punches.

Mrs. Talbot: i'm old. but i ain't dead yet. you can't get rid of me THAT easily. i mean look what happened when it turned to the Mrs. Busta days!!!

Mr. Busta: remember me? i'm Paul but not handy with my hands. except to play my organ.

Bob Marley: where did all my pot smoke go?

Major Kusanagi: to ghost-pipe means when i fuck my girlfriend.

Alien Nation: i had no idea this was going to be a comedy.

Alien Nation "Eyewitness News".

me: this is exactly me when i lived alone in my studio apartment in Oakland, i had no idea Oakland was a beautiful city rich in vibrant art, i was cooped up in that apartment receiving strange VHS after strange VHS under the door.

The Outer Limits "Glyphic".

Robin Duke: it was always my dream all along to be the Canadian Fargo lady. thanks, Lorne Michaels, for crushing my dreams.

Tula: remember how ANGRY you got when you thought i had betrayed Ren and crew? that says more about YOU than me.

Ioz: i vow the oath By the blood of Ren. isn't that heartwarming? i'm already thinking of my fallen comrade THE SAME DAY i thought he had died.

Ren: i'm honored.

Jessica Walter: if i hadn't done THIS cartoon, i wouldn't have done THAT cartoon.

Niddler: now THAT's a bird.

Ren's father the king: notice how the 13 Treasures of Rule are shown as 13 plain stones. because the animators had no idea what they looked like yet. and would never be given the opportunity to show what they looked like.

Dona Gelsinger: i painted the original artwork for Clan of the Cave Bear.........THE BOOK!!!

Too Close For Comfort theme song: sounds strangely like the M*A*S*H theme.

Delsym: fuck Delsym, there's no Honey Delsym.

Bambi: i ain't carrying the virus, okay, buddy?

Leslie Sbrocco: we're all wearing leis but nobody's mentioning it on air. i guess it's Hawaii Week?

Ed Kenney: ...

Leslie: creepy captain continually touching everyone's shoulder is creepy. i'm getting off this Love Boat. i'm not on the dating app The League, i'm classier than that.

captain: i'm doing that to make everyone MORE comfortable in a stressful surrounding.

Super Mario: the recycling bin was so SMUSHED FULL of junk from when i threw Luigi off our timeshare in Indio and he became Wuigi.

recycling bin: i BELLOWED A BURP OF RELIEF when i was finally emptied.

Lucio: oh, only two rings from the spam call? i'll give it the two-finger flick-off the Sex Pistols made famous.

John  Lydon: my image will be severely limited if you're not my Valentine with me in public. the public holding-of-hands. but fuck all that, i don't give a rat's ass about that shite, i just need you to love me again in private fulsomely.

Eye Luggage: The Big Sick and go.

Kumail Nanjiani: shoulda been called Sick Joke. or In Sickness and In Mental Health.

Laertus: this is the best romcom i've ever seen. i don't see a lot of romcoms because they're all the same, but this is the BEST one.

Kumail: this was WEIRD for me. as an actor. imagine playing YOURSELF as a character. but it's not really YOU, it's a fictionalized VERSION of you. so it's you but slightly off. it's easy to act as someone ELSE, but how do you ACT as YOURSELF? the whole experience was surreal and dank as fuck.

Jena Friedman: if we had kept Kumail on as a correspondent, i'd still have my Comedy Central show.

Kumail: adult swim is NOT the place for women's comedy.

Laertus: these kinds of movies are near and dear to my heart. because it's reality, you know? those "scenes" in the movie ACTUALLY HAPPENED in people's lives. this isn't a story, this is what actually happened. i have a soft spot for a meet-cute at a grocery store, there's just something MAGICAL about a grocery store.

Luke Russert: roaming through the aisles with your potential mate...

Tai: picking up gherkins.

Laertus: and when the lovers have a heartfelt confession on the steps of a Manhattan brownstone stoop, that's when the film REALLY kicks off, it's all about THAT scene when you're writing it.

Emily V. Gordon: imagine how Kumail and i felt as we were writing this, that's a lot of PRESSURE!!! we had to make sure these scenes were in fact true to our real lived-in lives. you look at a scene and go, "are they embellishing this for Hollywood? did it really go LIKE THAT, tho?" that's the curse, the pitfall, that's what all Hollywood movies are. this was US, you know? this was really us.

H.G Wells: maybe if i saw Elon Musk ride a bicycle i'd have more hope for the future of humankind...

Zoe Kazan: wait am i related to Lenny? is Lenny Kravitz my daddy? biologically i mean...

Kumail: so i drive an Uber but don't read too much into that. hey man, what is your desire when it comes to tunes?

Beck in back: so this takes place in 2007. play "Devils Haircut" coz THAT would be RETRO now then, see?

Aidy Bryant: BIG BABY AIDY!!! nobody in the audience is getting this.

Bo Burnham: i think i'm funnier in real life than in my set, my stuff is INCOMPREHENSIBLY SURREAL, you know?

Kumail: this is your name in Urdu. 

Emily: all girls' names in any foreign language is Meg.

Kumail: there's no point explaining to people in America that you're from Pakistan. i might as well be from Greenland. i'm just another dirty foreigner. when will i be a dude?

Emily: and i'm a weirdo so we make the perfect match.

Dirg: whoa whoa whoa what the fuck. people still do this? they have sex on the first date as strangers barely having known each other for eight minutes? that's still a thing? people still do this?

Mardith: i was born in the wrong era.

Emily: i don't want you to see me take a shit.

Kumail: but i've already seen your naked body. all of it, there's no more mystery. you haven't seen MY naked body which is weird i grant you.

Emily: that's different, that was in the throes of passion. no one takes a shit in throes. no one poos passionately.

Emily: why did you become a stand-up comic?

Kumail: to pick up chicks. first impressions?

Emily: i thought you'd be more muscular. you're a skinny Indian boy!!! let's never see each other again.

Kumail: i can't do that!!! life would be too heartbreakingly DEPRESSING if it was like that!!!

Holly Hunter: so Emily V. Gordon's mother in real life is the NICEST woman you'd ever want to meet, a real sweetheart. i made her a bitch cuz i really wanted to go my own way with this, you know? i was feeling my acting legs, feeling my Stevie Nicks oats.

Stevie Nicks: cranberry juice is weird, it's not cherry juice but it's not grapefruit juice.

Ray Romano: for large stretches of this movie you thought i wasn't gonna tell ONE JOKE, huh. large chunks from the Pebble Beach golf course i stole. you thought i'd have a DEAD SERIOUS role like when Brad Garrett was on Law & Order: SVU.

Lorne Michaels: Kumail should do SNL.........wait HAS Kumail hosted SNL? i'm not sure...

sister: this make sense, Kumail comes from a funny family.

Kumail's mom: arranged marriage is about STABILITY AND SECURITY.

Kumail: i mean that is true, dating cold in this cold world is SCARY AS FUCK. look, family, i don't pray, i go downstairs to that damp basement, roll my prayer mat out, and Allah and i watch YouTube videos.

brother: we forgive you, brother. you did it for the nookie.

father: i mean watching YouTube videos IS a form of praying, when you see that naked man swan-dive into a frozen ice pond, that is prayer flagellation.

Dirg: holy shit these Pakistani women are hot as fuck!!! where do i meet THESE women?!!!

Mitra Jouhari: hey it's ME!!! yeah from Three Busy Debras. why didn't we get OUR Please Don't Destroy-like movie?

in the Clue tearoom.

Emily: so i used to be married. everyone was getting married at 18, you know how big cities are. we got divorced cuz there was no passion EVER from the start, no throes, it was weird like that. i think he was the wrong person, that's what it was. 

Kumail: no problem, as long as there weren't any kids.

Emily: you know, when you say something the SECOND time, it sucks.

Emily: what are these mini-photos of women in a box? are you a stalker?

Kumail: no, i collect cigar boxes. and baseball cards. and Garbage Pail Kids cards.

Emily: we're done.

Kumail: please, i want to explore America more. i don't want to go back to Pakistan, Pakistan is boring. take me to the batting cages at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle.

Emily: okay, we watch Episode 2 of the '80s Knight Rider and that's it. couldn't be worse than the BORING-AS-FUCK Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

Jen: doesn't it suck when your lover HATES your treasured pop culture?

Kumail on the phone: so i had to sign on the dotted line or they would have pulled the plug. don't worry, it'll be like an Archer coma. Emily and i? we're kinda casual at the moment, like Mulder and Scully from Season 1.

David Duchovny: did we really need Seasons 10 and 11? "The Truth" was the PERFECT series finale. The X-Files sucked after Season 1... 

Kumail: no, don't come here, North Carolina is too far away.

Ray Romano on the phone: hey Kumail, did i tell you the kangaroo joke i heard from Steve Irwin?

Ear Horn: sorry, dearies, this hospital does not treat goths. just kidding.

in the hospital rectory.

Kumail: we lost 19 of our best guys, said deadpan. i mean you gotta admit, for a 9/11 joke that one was hit OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK!!! you know it's good cuz it's TOO SOON FOREVER. even 6 years after the fact.

Gilbert Gottfried: tell me about it. i had less time than you.

Ray Romano: i mean Forrest Gump did have its flaws. too much running, i didn't care for all that running.

Boc: ...

at the Montreal audition.

Kumail: this is not comedy, this is real life. when it hits you it hits you, you care for a person who will be gone soon. no longer be with us. i can't believe this is happening to me, this is a sick joke, i meet my soulmate and she dies. think of this more like what i'm doing right now is Brechtian comedy.

Kumail: she could die.

Oscar the Grouch: we all die, man. hey you gotta give me credit, i never joined Wonder Showzen.

Holly Hunter: that scene were i heckle the heckler, that was based on something i did IN REAL LIFE where i heckled Roger Federer at the U.S. Open.

Roger Federer: she said i was a member of ISIS. she said she looked at my face and my personality and concluded i was in ISIS. i'll never forgive you, Holly.

still on '90s futons.

Ray Romano: i cheated on my wife. i knew it the MOMENT i finished on her, i felt disgusted.

Kumail: next time take a beat. take a step before you do anything drastic, don't finish, swallow your own cum and think about things.

Roger Federer: sorry but Holly Hunter deserves to be cheated on.

Emily in the hospital bed: you have no idea what i'm going through.

Kumail: yes i do, when covid hits in the future, i'm gonna get fucking SWOLE AND BUFF because that's the only way i keep sane cooped up in my room for two years!!!

female doctor: Emily has adult-onset Still's disease. we were giving her the wrong medicine for a misdiagnosis, that's on us, as doctors we screwed up. we were making her WORSE. the hospital accepts full 100% responsibility. do you want your recompense in check form? 

me: let's just get to the happy ending of her recovering, her recovery, i can't do medical stuff anymore in my current climate, i don't want to be seeing wires and breathing tubes.

Dr. Vacc: don't you love when the patient is MIRACULOUSLY CURED!!! out of nowhere. that's always the unexpected best.

Emily: dude you're not funny.

Kumail: are you being serious right now?

Emily: i'm doing anti-comedy.

Kumail: phew.

Emily: this hospital yogurt taste like semen. right, daddy?

Ray Romano: that's too much, honey, that's too much.

Melissa Maker: wait are Canadian comedy festivals really that racist?...

Kumail: when you get dumped by Hollywood and your girlfriend, the only thing you can do is write and perform a one-man show at a local indie theatre in Chicago. all of us eventually do this, you WILL see a child's bedroom bed on stage with a TMNT poster on the imaginary wall and you're in the thick of it. what follows is a Pakistani history lesson that comes out funny.

me: see this is what I NEVER DID!!! this is what you're supposed to do, gather two like-minded friends, go down to Hollywood, and share a flat. you need fellow writers with you to share the burden and the struggle. you can't do this shit alone!!! you can't do projects alone!!! one of us in the group is BOUND to make it, these are the odds!!! i should have formed a husband/wife writing team with my dad to write sitcom scripts for Hollywood, HE's a partner, THAT's the dream...

 

Eye: awww that's sweet, when she says i've found him at the end at the NYC comedy club, that's a warm and fuzzy ending.

Emily: THIS MAN IS GREAT IN BED!!! but he's not funny. hey did you notice that i always had that friend who could never stick around? she always had to be somewhere ELSE...

at Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon's real-life Pakistani wedding ceremony.

Father Navin: and do you, Kal Penn.........sorry...

Kumail: talk about Devils Haircut, what is UP with that hair on my head?!!! i got a SHAGGY MOP for hair, i'm literally Pakistani Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

Emily V. Gordon: okay what is pash? it's like a wet and sloppy kiss, right?

Kumail's brother: it's a white girl, forbidden fruit.

Kumail: it's the order form for Columbia House CDs. 

me by the fire: TOMORROW i need good food to convalesce to when loved ones are far away. when loved ones are not near. she would enjoy the two cheeseburgers and i'd enjoy drinking the McDonald's Coke!!! that is WAY easier than making the Coke syrup MYSELF. you need star anise for that and nobody has star anise.

Martin Yan: it's fucking hard to find.

me: and you need seltzer.

Shecky Greene: they don't make seltzer anymore, seltzer is deader than vaudeville and me. g'night folks. 

 

SEX BAKERY

Jen R and i are getting married. the wedding is today.

Jen R: in NYC of course. you'd be surprised how few churches there are still left in the city. 

me: but aren't you Jewish?

Jen: wait it's Valentine's Day today, right?

me: hence our wedding date. our marriage date. 

Jen: and we never went on one date. wait we can't get married today!!!

me: i've had nightmares about this...

Jen: we gotta see the Bob Marley movie first.

me: that dude with the dreadlocks who plays Bob Marley is GUARANTEED to win the Oscar.

Jen: this film drops Vallo's Day, it's perfect, ONE LOVE.

afterward.

Jen: i could eat AS a horse. when i eat, i pack it in, i eat for two even when i'm not pregnant, no girl dinner here.

me: you're pregnant?!!! am i FINALLY gonna get the dream of having my second family?!!!...

Jen: oh shit i forgot!!! Deliveroo is ON STRIKE today!!! how are we gonna get our wedding food?

me: what are you in the mood for?

Jen: banana pudding. but it's gotta be from the Original Source, Magnolia Bakery in NYC, the Sex and the City bakery.

me: i'll see what i can do. does Magnolia deliver of itself? like a McDelivery kinda thing?

Tom Cruise: i can run fast...

me: so i had to run MYSELF across ALL the streets of NYC to get these TWO banana muffins here on time but i made it. all the cabs gave me the finger, i felt so ALIVE in the city!!! my Air Jordans are sweating, so much soaked sweat, they have cigar burns on the buttons. each button is one big cigar burn.

Jen: it's premium banana pudding, priest, a saintly slurry. with that Christ crust. worth it. knurled knobs of nubs...

Father Navin: whatever, let's get this fucking thing over with.

Jen in her pink-grandma-sweater knit wedding dress comes down the lane looking like a snack.

suddenly a couple of Sex and the City extras throw rice at Jen's face.

Jen: what the FUCK, my dudes, that rice LANDED IN MY EYE!!! i can't see!!! i'm blind now.

me: love is blind tho. you still want me, right?

Jen: imma bout to deck some men in an impromptu bout, Brad Pitt-style on the wharf. it's gonna be a wet wharf wedding. like a dream.

Father Navin: look, woman, punch me in the face if it makes you feel better, i'm late for Premier League.

Navin: do you, me, take Jen as your lawfully wedded wife?

me: i take Jen as my spirit animal. she's the best person in the world. i'm addicted to Jen like meth. we share an interest in '70s TV. the purpose of my life was never to achieve anything, it was merely to fall in love with Jen R. 

Jen R: simple song like simple syrup. a simple sauce if you will.

me: that i need to sample everyday...

Navin: and now the exchange of gifts.

me: i got you an ULTRA-RARE FLAVOR of a tin of Campbell's can of Split Pea Soup. no Ham. no ham, i promise.

Andy Warhol: wow, not even I have THIS one. and my middle name is Andersen...

Jen: this is fab. and just what i needed, we'll use this one can to feed all our wedding guests. oh and for you well of course i got you this one gallon of Coke syrup in a moonshine jug.

i hug Jen with more love than if i kissed her.

me: THIS proves we're soulmates.

Jen: see? now you can REALLY make McDonald's Coke at home!!!

RFK Jr.: i'm sorry.........i am so sorry that i come from this prestigious family and i somehow ended up crazy.

JFK: i mean you used The Smithsonian for that Super Bowl Commercial?!!!...

Luke Russert: if there EVER was a need for my burlap grocery bag with the strap handle, it's to carry a 30-pound bag of orange cat food...

Heathcliff and Garfield: ...

Tai: you have to know the space of your own stomach. Luke, you don't turn off my water anymore...

Ioz: why does everyone on The Pirates of Dark Water sound like they're in a Scooby-Doo cartoon?...

William Shakespeare: you know why Port Washington is a nice place to live? 

Jen R: NYC or the NYC suburbs? both are nice in different ways...

Shakespeare: heavy hint, it's a hamlet...

Washington from Kotter: i'm from Port Washington.........don't tell the fellas, the Sweathogs would never understand, especially Horshack...

Night Court.

Olivia at the funeral: it doesn't matter what your religious denomination is, WE'RE ALL WORM FOOD IN THE END!!!

Jesus: look at me petting the Sesame Street worm and smile...

Abby: life is hard. life is IMPOSSIBLE without friends. friends are more important than lovers...

the '80s: Beta used to be a good thing. in fact Beta was COOLER than VHS!!! betta believe it was Beta. the VCR Wars were like the Late Night Wars, it was BETA for a while. Beta was the cool indie underground rare hard-to-find video format which offered a clearer screen and a secret menu...

GEICO commercial: yeah that's young Eddie Vedder in the bleachers. or his son or something...

Kurt Cobain: i had an illegitimate son with Eddie Vedder, his name was Pee-wee Herman...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is not about LOVE, Instagram is about ATTENTION.........did Julia Ioffe see this post?...

Abbot Butt: love will turn every human being on the face of this Earth to ash...

Keith Haring: i was doing Banksy before Banksy.

Banksy: in the '80s?

Keith: no i do you in bed now. i did all that skulking in subways like a gorgeous ninja. surreptitiously not being seen as i scribbled on subway signs and drew my happy little chalk people. what were you doing then?

Banksy: watching Voltron. Keith was my favorite Voltron character. your graffiti was the graffiti of goodness. i love your voice, Keith, it's so John Wayne.

Keith: do you know how hard i am? i've gotten arrested a multitude of times. the cops are scared of me. i'm harder than any '90s gangsta rapper which came after me...

Banksy: you gorgeous glasses ninja, a gorgeous ninja with glasses. a ninja with glasses...

menopause: when there's no more sex, only food. when you start seeing the McDonald's Big Breakfast as Aquaman.........the Aquaman who's best friends with Lenny Kravitz...

Jason Momoa: we're motorcycle buddies. i'm scooter buddies with Channing Tatum.

Gladyce: i've had this feeling since i was born...

Channing Tatum: i'm doing The Maxx for Hollywood. i'm playing the Maxx, you won't see my face, only my muscles. who's gonna play Julie? Jennette McCurdy...

Backroad Truckers: you haven't LIVED till you drive through a forest that is NOT a road in a truck that's been sheared in half along the serrated edge like a sardine tin...

Boc: all these people on the electric stairlift at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning.........practicing for the NEXT Valentine's Day...

Boc: and a clay butt stares me down from the window of that sculptor's shoppe...

Trent Reznor: "Instant Hurt," sounds like one of my songs. used to advertise Tang orange powder.

Marilyn Manson: Deadhole should have been one of my album titles. i don't make music anymore...

Jimmy Fallon: who does the '80s better? me or Mark Hapka?...

Temu Super Bowl ad: why did this RUN THREE TIMES? when overtime hit, the Super Bowl Commercials started going into REPEATS. repeats already?...

Google Javier in Frame.

hard-of-seeing man asking the camera: how many in frame?

camera: the two in the hospital bed.........the THREE in the hospital bed... 

me: and i cried like a baby. a baby i wish i had. that gets me every time. i want a family like this.

Celine: reminded me of our twins announcement in Before Midnight.

Kia.

housebound grandpa watching granddaughter ice-skate outside: wait, when did we get an ice pond?...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: neighBAA.

Danny DeVito: NOW you want to watch Twins. you never watched Twins the first time...

Prince: watch it in a frigid Minnesota theater...

Christopher Walken: fine, do my voice in front of me but NEVER sing that infernal Fatboy Slim song in my presence!!!

Fatboy Slim: but i'm wearing the Dunking orange jumpsuit, i look like EVERY DJ...

Uber Eats commercial on strike.

Jennifer Aniston: who are you?

Matthew Perry: okay that's REALLY cold...

Jennifer Aniston: in order to remember something you must forget something, makes a little room in your head. 

Matthew Perry: did you forget to get your tan today?

Jennifer Aniston: i forgot Lycoris Recoil...

David Schwimmer: there's no Botox on my face, can't you tell? Andre Agassi hit my face with a tennis ball...

Poppi: the future of soda. is fruit. because there will be no more water...

Bradley Cooper's mom: why didn't you win a football game like i told you to? Mama Kelce got to do Letterman in her letterman jacket.

Bradley Cooper: i make movies.

mom: yes but what you do actually DO, son?

Bradley: i.........try to make art.........sometimes...

Bud Light genie: you want Peyton Manning to be your best friend? why?

Peyton Manning: Eli was taken. i wished for that T-rex to come and lick Tom Brady's back.

Jeff Goldblum: T-rexes are rather docile creatures once you give them a porcelain toilet, they just want to go to the bathroom.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: caramel is old. your grandfather likes caramel. so it turns out the Reese's 9-inch Cup Pie was ACTUALLY E.T.'s spaceship...

Berkeley college student: a gilf kissed me...

E.T.: no one calls them Reese's Chocolate Cups...

Jeff Goldblum: i was ALMOST in Short Circuit. i dodged the fuck outta that bullet.

aliens: yes all aliens are gay, that's the natural order of the universe.

me: i'm crying melancholy tears. 

Jen hugs me like no one else can.

Jen R: what's wrong? this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. it was the most TIRING day of MY life.

me: have you ever been so frightened of something ending?

Jen: want me to punch the tears out of your eyes? i'm crying too, because i have rice in my eye. 

me: slap me silly.

Jen: i would never slap the silly inside your balls. that's what makes you unique.

me: i am so scared of losing you. our friendship is on such a fragile tendril. how long will this friendship last? what if i don't hear from you tomorrow? or the next day? or the next year? do i assume from your ghost silence it's over and i need to move on? i NEVER want to move on, there's nothing to move on to. there's nobody else to love. texts are so tenuous...

Jen: i'll text you tomorrow about this.

me: text chains are like a fishing line in a silvery lake...

Jen: wait i can't leave you now!!! we haven't seen On Golden Pond yet!!!

 

 

TENNIS TWINS: THE FINE ART OF HEADBUTTING

Andre Agassi uses his bald head to lightly politely knock on the door of the Connorses.

Jimmy Connors: hello? is anyone out there?

Andre Agassi: I'M FUCKING COMING IN!!!

Andre RAMS his bald head into the door splitting it in two along the splinter.

Jimmy: damn, i thought that door was metal. what's going on, buddy?

Andre RAMS his bald head into Jimmy's face.

Jimmy: that hurt, buddy. use your words not your shiny head.

Andre: see? see? you shoulda got a bald head when it was still in vogue. it was COOL to have long hair like you did in your '70s heyday but no more. now you don't have the WEAPON i have along with Billy Corgan. 

Telly Savalas: and me when i wasn't playing with dolls...

Andre: you can't protect yourself anymore, old man!!! the tennis gods have FORSAKEN you, sir!!!

Jimmy: if i go to the barbershop and chop it up with the fellas, talk it out with Kobe, will you stop all this?

Andre starts to cry, the tears go UP onto the top of his bald head settling like a little bird's nest.

Andre: you stole Steffi from me, stole her out from under me, you stole my girl.

Jimmy: nah, how could i? i don't drive a Lambo. i don't have courtside Lakers seats in my wallet. it was just a fling with Steffi Graf, it was just sex, no feeling. no feeling in my extremities. it was German sex, completely passionless, you know how it is.

Andre: sorry, man. did i cause blood on your handsome face?

Jimmy: i don't bleed anymore. ever since they banned it at Wimbledon.

Andre: i feel so lost without Brooke. that's what this is really about, i couldn't care less about Steffi Graf, she was just the replacement for Brooke.

Jimmy: yeah i understand, i feel ya.

Andre: Brooke and i were supposed to last 30 years in marriage, have 9 kids in wedded bliss like Tom Green and Drew Barrymore in a Sonoma camper.

Jimmy: i don't know that you're man enough to handle a bodacious woman like Brooke Shields. for starters, she's taller than you. what is this really about? possessions, right? not love. if you hadn't been a numbnuts and kept Brooke's Friends trophies.

Andre: i didn't!!!.........well i did, sorta. i kept the COUCH, man, cuz PIVOT is the ONLY funny thing that has ever happened on Friends, it's the only funny Friends. and Schwimmer and i are tight, i promised i'd protect his sticky sofa and he'd grant me a shikibuton stay at his crashpad in the '90s.

Brooke Shields: you never broke me, Andre. we didn't grow together, Andre, i wanted to keep Mr. Pickles as our family dog and you wanted no pets. a family can't survive without the family pet!!!

Andre Agassi: no it's that Mr. Pickles is Satan. he's literally Satan.

Brooke: why didn't you keep your long hair, Andre? you used to look cool like Jimmy Connors...

YouTube channel: everybody's first production company...

Doryce: i like it when the sun spits in my face. when it's spitting rain and the sun is out, a spitting sunshower, sunshine spit.

Boc: are you sure you don't want to walk with me?...

Brad Pitt: Tom Cruise and i, we're like Naruto and Sasuke...

Interview with the Vampire ships scene.

Tom Cruise: burning the ships, do you like that expression? there is so much dark water here, and we are pirates...

Brad Pitt: well Dracula DID come to Transylvania aboard a ship...

Claudia: but we don't talk about Dracula...

Backroad Truckers on The Weather Channel: of course there's one midget, one blonde woman, and one woman with glasses because Velma really is actually a great show.

slow food, slow flowers: because Valentine's Day is on the short bus this year.

Boc: if you see an old man doing the electric stairs at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning, i guarantee you he's an army general. i never said WHICH army...

seagull: we have our own version of hydroplaning, we slide off the 45-degree-angled roofs at The Barnyard...

Mark Hapka: HAPKA!!! mark your yoda, i am Mark your Yoda, mark my words, mark my Yoda words...

Michael Weiss: so there's no normal person on Instagram...

Julia Ioffe: ...

Julia Ioffe: including yourself...

AFC Bournemouth logo: Head & Shoulders in the Irish Spring with a dab of Pantene...

The Pirates of Dark Water.

Ren: we walk like the Scooby-Doo gang...

Tula: um, can we stall the noble adventure for one Saturday night? i wanna go to my senior prom...

Red Lobster: it's cool for a while. the lobsters tell you things. but you soon realize it's a dead-end job like everything else...

Tula: yes. the only cool thing you get to do there is that credit-card imprinter you push left to right, that big chunk plastic block...

GNC: you wanna make a GCP? a Game-Changing Play? drink an inordinate amount of GNC powder.

Kurt Warner: ...

Jim Harbaugh: multitudes of powder...

Erin Clark: my COMMITMENT to KSBW FAR EXCEEDED my COMMITMENT to my marriage...

Burger King Million Dollar Topping: we had to do SOMETHING to compete with McDonald's Monopoly. we tried Burger King Uncle Wiggily in the '80s...

Pepsi Number Fever: ...

Ninja Kamui: the cause? lack of friendships...

Ninja Kamui: the dark side of organized crime? there's a light side?...

Persona 3 Reload commercial: not Timothee Chalamet...

Timothee Chalamet: it's pronounced Tim-o-TAY...

Bob Marley movie: Rated PG-13 for marijuana smoke THROUGHOUT...

When Calls the Heart: Somewhere in Time in TV form...

Superman: what could have been. maybe if i spin the Earth a few times, like a top...

Teva Loft: yeah i'm the next Brad Pitt, mark my words.

Tom Cruise: a messy Brad Pitt.

Teva Loft: no i'm not gonna be a fire-eater when i grow up, that's not cool, mahalo, not funny. i'm a laid-back Hawaii surfer but my hang-loose has a Lestat claw on it... 

Zack Morris: even I went from serene to mean...

Vince Lombardi trophy: what is this? WWE?...

The Outer Limits: don't you love how we force a sex scene into every episode even when it's completely implausible and ridiculous? that's what makes the sex so HOT...

Jennifer Beals: what a feeling. it seems Flashdance is the ONLY universally accepted and beloved film that EVERYONE has to do a riff on in their expensive commercial...

Jimmy Connors wipes away the tears on Andre Agassi's bald head by rubbing that bald head so hard it starts to SQUEAK.

Chris Evert: i love how you calmed your friend just now. you soothed him down.

Jimmy: i smoothed him down.

Chris: you brought him back from the ledge. on the other side of the tennis net as the case may be.

Jimmy: Andre's a big teddy bear once you get to know him. don't let his scowly face fool you, that's tennis determination. i give him a few squeezes in his soft stomach and he begins to SQUEAK...

Chris: that's hot. how you handled Andre Agassi like that. an aggressive Andre Agassi, how you manhandled Andre's emotions like that. that's hot to me. you haven't been hot to me in 20 years. but i can't shake the feeling, is this a fluke? is this a one-time thing or have you really CHANGED?... 

 

 

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: ANNE WEDDING RICE

 

Codrus: okay let's get this boat thing over with. i'll collect planks of wood from the monastery, i'll cut them down with the natural not steel claw of my pinkie finger, and you'll build the hull.

Ben Gunn: my but you twig fast, my lord, but you are overconfident.

Cotard: i shall help you get wood, brother.

Codrus: that's disgusting.

the two monks fly to the monastery and back in one moment. Cotard builds the ship hull.

Minster: it's not floatable!!! will it float? hell no!!!

Codrus: what's going on? SPEAK, blind hermit with the stanky diaper.

Ben Gunn: you see, sea brethren, that wood was from a monastery that burned down in a fire in an act of anti-Catholic arson. there be bad juju in that wood. see The Pirates of Dark Water for model...

Minster: hey are there any minga melons onboard this yacht?

Tula: are you referring to my tits?

Tula: can you believe i'm 17 years old? yet they draw me like a 35-year-old woman. aren't you curious about my backstory?

Niddler: i'm curious about eating. apparently i don't need medical attention as long as my monkeybird wings can fly.

Tula: i was a tavern wench who was BORED AS FUCK. land SUCKS, water is where it's at. maple-syrup water. those Red Lobster waitress dresses were humiliating, exposed, short, and tight.

Niddler: hey you still got the Bloomin' Onion that's a minga melon?

Tula: seasonal. all our lobsters arrive dead in the boiling water by that Dune sea serpent. with Takol as a chaser. get it? tackle? as in it will tackle your cough.

Ben Gunn: when you look up Takol the cough syrup on the internet, there are no pictures of it, that's not a good sign...

Niddler: can you believe i was ever mean? turns out i was just hungry...

the monk yacht crosses the Antarctic Sea whilst taking on water and sinking.

Nima Sarikhani: yeah my photo of the polar bear, that's the polar bear from Lost. humans have gotten so complacent about global warming they need to vegetate in the dreamworld of a TV show to hibernate to avoid reality.

Spags's wife: my husband Spags will CRUSH the Niners offense with his wacky defense. it's preordained. by The Pope herself!!! we got married at The Vatican...

The Pope: The Vatican is like Catholic Disneyland.

Zelda Williams: of course my directorial debut is a horror movie. Lisa Frankenstein. my life has been a horror show ever since i lost my dad...

Superman: pull the Glad wrap UP AND AWAY like me when i fly...

Night Court.

Abby: my favorite euphemism for fucking: spending the night...

Olivia: but i look GOOD with '80s shoulderpads!!! i'm skinny enough as it is, i need to get FULLER!!!

Codrus: do we need to kill these vampires?

Cotard: we don't kill, brother.

Codrus: good cuz i'm rather fond of these vampires. they're fun. they're cool. they're hilarious.

Minster: and people call ME monster. Dracula owes me five bucks and my fob back for that cotton candy... 

Rockapella: Hanson's song "MmmBop" sounds exactly like our "Carmen Sandiego" song. we're okay with this, we're honored by this.

Boc: not a lick of wind in the sky. i like to lick other things.

me: it's fine if the daily observations overlap...

Lyle Lovett: i'm on a boat...

KAY Jewelers: i get to love you.

me: but who do i get? what do i get to do?...

Lexus: a delivery helado ice-cream-cart WALL-E bot that stalls in the middle of the intersection is like a Lexus without a cupholder...

Jen R: hey did you notice anything weird when we were skiing down that Mammoth mountain?

me: no.

Jen R: a big-ass MOOSE was running down that hill after us. Moose Mammoth Mountain.

moose: don't worry, i'm the moose from Northern Exposure, i'm a harmless intellectual.

rat: when there's been torrential wind and rain like this, i come out to play. not in the sewers, at The Barnyard in your soup. please don't exterminate me, i can be helpful to you. i can help you with that snap-on plastic cutter on the edge of that big-ass Kirkland 3000-pound box of Stretch Tite saran wrap you blew your load on at Costco.

Costco: we don't ask for your wallet, we ask for your wad.

In-N-Out Burger: mustard-fried is not mustard fries...

Aunt Cork: we eat there all the time, that cute white hut that looks like a country church is right next to our house on the hill.

Uncle Russ: where's Tim and Kavita?...

Kavita: below the bungalow.

Leslie Sbrocco: that In-N-Out apron would be so cute covering my butt!!!...

Steejo: i prefer my washcloth DAMP.

Super Bowl: i'm scared for Sunday...

Reese's Hearts: this chocolate heart has no message in the foil.

Super Bowl: the message IS the heart...

Carmen Sandiego '80s cartoon: the Player who's always in front of the computer screen, what's his story? what does his face look like? does he have a pet kangaroo? is his mom 30 years old?

Player: i'm actually Captain N from that '80s Nintendo cartoon...

Robin Williams: Good Will Hunting is technically an '80s movie...

Jen R: weather radar heals a broken heart.

George Washington in 1776: a lot of shit is going down where i live, but at least the world doesn't have to worry about global warming. humans are smart enough AT THIS TIME to not let things get out of hand. we all recognize the dire urgency here. the time to act is NOW...

Mr. Maldark: there's a difference between the 3 hours of Mr. Holland's Opus and the 3 hours of the Ryan Gosling Blade Runner. i can't. i can't do Mr. Holland's Opus, i can't show it to my students in my class, it's too long and boring...

Jack Tripper: what have i been doing? i became a doctor. i tried to help troubled teen Terry McGinnis...

Terry McGinnis: not like the beer. i don't drink. i helped MYSELF by becoming Batman...

The Outer Limits "Stranded".

Mentos: what does it mean when you call a girl a Freshmaker?

Daniella Evangelista: no it's Froshmaker, as in i, a senior cheerleader, make a freshman boy's whole year by glancing a look in his general direction. accidentally touching him in the cafeteria.

Dave Grohl: cafeteria coffee is the best...

the ending: remember, kids, The Outer Limits ALWAYS goes dark...

Amazing Stories "The 21-Inch Sun".

Robert Townsend: a 21-inch sun NOW would be a ring light. are lightbulbs 21 inches? are spotlights 21 inches? hey look, it's the same cemetery from Night Shift. the moral of this story is if you have a plant ghostwriter, do not go to ONE party with human friends...

Jen R: rum on the run. chugging rum on the runs. the ski runs. i get the runs...

President Biden in the documents case: for once my old age was a BENEFIT for me!!!...

Leslie Sbrocco: i look EXACTLY like your Aunt Cork. with a COMPLETELY different personality set. i got a great set of personalities...

LeVar Burton: "Rainbow Connection" is not about rainbow fentanyl...

LeVar Burton: you know, if i was hosting Jeopardy, after each episode i'd have Ken Jennings go down to Skid Row in L.A. and do a book drive...

Melissa Etheridge: no i am not how Taylor Swift is gonna look when she's old. I am the most famous female musician who's also a Chiefs fan!!! i was doing this stuff before T Swift was BORN!!!

Taylor Swift: imma rock star...

Boc: when it's cold out i wear my hoodie. my hoodie has pockets i put my hands in to keep warm. the gas station thinks i'm concealing a weapon. my choices are freeze or get shot to death.

Doctor Who: there's a queer London lamppost in the middle of the stone stairs, it's very Doctor Who. i'm the black Doctor Who you never saw cuz you stopped watching...

Brooke Trantor: you want me? read a book. get it? Book Brooke.

Styx: have you noticed that nobody does progressive rock anymore?...

Kevin Costner and Jewel at a tennis charity.

Jewel with a BIG-ASS OVERSIZE tennis racquet in her hand: if you build it, if i edge him, they will come, Kevin Costner will only cum for me...

Madame Pons: those spherical psychedelic candles from the '90s, they're making a comeback!!! they're at LUSH!!! that's LUSH not kush...

Eye Luggage: Interview with the Vampire and go.

Anne Rice: okay so this is Twilight but REALISTIC, kids...

Anne Rice: but it is a better love story than Twilight. being a vampire SUCKS, BOTH meanings. it's nothing but eternal existential anguish. and a little physical pain. at the end of it you just want to DIE.

Leslie Sbrocco: it's like Love Story says, "immortality is just another form of Hell." Love Story comes on next after me on PBS...

Anne Rice: i'll be honest, when they said Tom Cruise was playing Lestat, i was NOT HAPPY. deeply skeptical. there was NO WAY Tom Cruise could pull off such a deeply complex character. but they took off his leather jacket, took the collagen out of his cheeks, and he became Lestat in all his brooding glory. i was pleasantly surprised.

Tom Cruise: i was already cynical from my life. i already had the creepy laugh...

Tom Cruise: so how do you want me to play this cool vampire guy?

Anne Rice: just be Gambit from X-Men...

Anne Rice: this was a '70s book!!! that explains so much. that explains all the vests...

Winona Ryder: 1994 was the period of the Decadent Luxurious Goth, the goths who looked like Liberace. Dracula was big. not in the pants, i mean as a phenomenon again. although MY Dracula was a short man...

Anne Rice: i'm available to be at ANYONE's wedding now. i'll be your wedding guest...

San Francisco: the best city. home to Carmen Sandiego ACME agents and where this interview with a vampire takes place.

River Phoenix: okay let's take a moment. I was supposed to play Christian Slater's part, i would have been RESPLENDENT in this role!!! i mean who would have made a more beautiful vampire man than ME?!!! bite me. please. i'm scared of dentists. i died before shooting began. which is ironic, cuz i became a vampire in real life...

Brad Pitt: yeah so this movie SUCKED for me. this was the worst experience i've ever had as an actor in my life. the set was miserable. we could only shoot at night so i had to live as a real vampire. i never saw sunlight for 4 months. that wasn't white makeup on my face, i really WAS that pallid. didn't eat shit the whole time, just some Little Debbie Mardi Gras cakes. i'm standing around farting while Tom Cruise chews up ALL the scenery. even the silk drapes. i tried to like Tom but i could ever tell when he was bullshitting me. could never tell with that peculiar knave. he told me to my face that he was in love with me. he tried to recruit my mom into Scientology. and then there was the time my landlord kicked me out of my mansion shack on Bourbon Street and i had to crash at Tom's place on his couch.

Tom Cruise: do not place your dirty body on that couch. that is Oprah's couch. you may sleep when you're dead.

Trent Reznor: gotta pay your rent, this is the Manson house.

Brad: that's a good line, "I would have given anyone the invitation, but my jailer for life was a prick vampire", about my death and getting turned.

Boc: okay for the gays, i just gotta say, Tom Cruise biting into the neck of Brad Pitt is like the #1 most-heralded gay scene OF ALL TIME in film history. it gets us excited.

Brad: i don't need glasses anymore!!! hey is that stone statue of an angel supposed to be giving me the stink eye like that?

Doctor Who: yes.

Tom: you're dying, we all do it.

Anne: here's the thing, vampires aren't supposed to die. you can't kill vampires. and yet vampires are dying all over the place in this film. it was just too depressing to have the vampires go on living FOREVER...

Brad: life sucks for me. i mean as my character with the death of my wife and child on a Spanish Louisiana plantation. 

Tom: it'll be worse if i turn you. eternal life ain't all it's cracked up to be...

Brad: this is a silly Dragon Ball Z battle we're engaged in. i should have just joined the Marines...

old dauphine with poodles: now I am a madame. i'm too old for you, boy.........but keep biting my neck anyway, young man. i could be your grandmother. i haven't been this excited since i was a schoolgirl. i forgot what frisson was...

Brad: sex throes, death throes, same difference.

Tom: this is the first gilf porn...

vampire Brad: i'm still human. I REFUSE to drink human blood!!! rat blood tastes like Kool-Aid.

Brad: is New Orleans better now that it's the United States?

Trent Reznor: New Orleans wasn't cool until I lived there...

Judge Harold T. Stone: ...

Melissa Rauch: people think i'm Harry Anderson's daughter...

Tom: you gotta admit, this is an INGENIOUS idea i had. you're lonely so if i get you an ETERNAL DAUGHTER, you'll have a FAMILY. family is everything, even for vampires. and unlike humans, you'll have a FAMILY FOREVER...

Kirsten Dunst: what's with the Shirley Temple curls? SO much crushed velvet on set. they had to find a young child with SAUCINESS to say those linereadings. this part didn't traumatize me.........much.........i was able to exorcise my demons from this movie when i went on to do that Lars von Trier Melancholia film...

Kirsten Dunst: i suddenly was drawn to the dark, not the eternal sunshine...

Robin Williams: okay this is really becoming a COMEDY now with all the people getting killed willy-nilly for food. not a DARK comedy, just a comedy.

Tom: hey look at me, i'm playing the piano like Trent Reznor. what happens if i drink the blood of a dead person?...

Marilyn Manson: ...

Marilyn Manson: Dead Blood, that should have been one of my album titles...

Claudia: i'm never gonna be a full-figured woman!!!

Tom: a real woman with ASSETS.........and HOLD the reaction on my face. did you see how i smiled there? that was the goofy Tim Heidecker smirk.

Brad: the natives are getting restless. they suspect i am The Devil. i'll burn this plantation house for them, i've become a hero to the slaves. besides, the architecture on this mansion is SO LAST YEAR. hey how'd you survive?

Tom: Swamp Thing raised me as his child. do you have any Neutrogena face cream?

Antonio Banderas: do you think i'm a good actor?

Brad: yeah but there's no nudity on stage, that's the rule, so what are you gonna do?

Antonio: i save all cats. i don't need skin cream, i'm naturally olive. Laura Esquivel sun. people who watch my show change their religion after...

the three monks: great production values so we're Mormons now...

Stephen Rea: *crying* i like men........okay? i like men. THAT's why i'm a vampire, i was shunned and outcasted for liking men...

Claudia: is this the back of a theater or a honeycomb for a giant bee? it looks like cheese.

Brad: who is the God of us vampires?

Antonio: our God has a great sense of humor.

Brad: what is the purpose of being a vampire?

Antonio: to have some fun, no?

Brad: you can read minds? what am i thinking right now?

Stephen Rea: Dorm Invasion makes sex hot again.

Madeleine holding Claudia's hand in the sewer: look up, child. look through the grate at the sun. the sun heals.........let's just pretend we're having a beach day...

Brad with torch in hand: i'm gonna burn this place down. THEATRE IS DEAD!!! that's what all the critics say...

Brad: hey man, why are you in a bad '90s rap video? with the police helicopter spotlight?

Tom: why do we have to drink blood? who makes the rules? why can't vampires just drink Southern sweet tea?

Christian Slater: make me a vampire.

Brad: are you stupid? are you dense? what's wrong with you? have you learned NOTHING? do you have ears? did you go to remedial school?

Christian: i wanna be cooler than i already am. my name is Christian and i'm a devil.

River Phoenix: you a cheeky little devil.

Axl Rose: "Sympathy for the Devil" was the last song we did as a COLLEGIAL cooperative harmonious full unit of Guns N Roses before we went our separate ways forever...

Kurt Cobain: i NEVER left you, Axl...

Slash: Axl insisted on the harp...

Tom: at least i'm giving you a choice.

Christian pressing play on his tape recorder: who hurt you?

Tom: David Foster Wallace. this man never gave me a choice.........i had to sit through him reading to me all of Infinite Jest in the chamber room...

Mardith: i get the SEXUAL nature of a vampire tearing into your flesh. but that's the thing, it's that LAST GREAT FUCK before you die...

Eye Luggage: i'm okay with going out like that.

Dirg: what's up with Tom Cruise's silver CLAW he uses to pierce his women? can i get one of those?

Laertus: for Inspector Gadget only to fight Dr. Claw with.

Penny: Uncle Gadget is into BDSM. you should see all the metal tools he has in his house. 

Inspector Gadget: go go Gadget SINKING!!!

at the screening.

Roger Ebert: i thought this was gonna be about Hiroshima...

at the screening, Oprah Winfrey walks out.

Oprah: i will not contribute to Satanism. that's not what my show is about, i ain't Jerry Springer, i'm about LIGHT. having said that, this movie DID get me excited. don't worry, Gayle King will watch the rest and post her review at her movie blog in the morning. Gayle King is intimately knowledgeable about vampires, she's been sucking off the teat of my fame her whole life...

Oprah: g'night folks.

me by the fire: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: here's the thing with Panera. if i get the ham sandwich and the cardboard bowl of chicken noodle soup, it just tastes like a soup and sandwich, what makes Panera so special? OH MY FUCKING ZEUS MCDONALD'S IS ON DOORDASH NOW!!!...