Tai: okay Luke, you just gotta calm down.
Luke Russert: thank you for caring.
Tai: so what have you been up to since i dumped you?
Luke: it's been hard i ain't gonna lie. i've mostly done nothing. i don't really do anything anymore, there's no point after i don't have you. i mean i go to the grocery store still, yesterday i picked up some things off the shelf. Broadus Cereals, Snoop Dogg's brand, i thought the cereals would taste like oregano but they all taste like candy.
Snoop: they taste like yo ass, son.
Ryan Reynolds: they taste like mint...
Tai: remember when we used to go to the grocery store together hand in hand?
Luke: i try to forget.
Tai: we'd always go through that cavalcade of campers. and that one bonsai van manned by that cute little tiny old Japanese man.
Luke: yeah, he shouldn't have had the side of his van painted with such LARGE letters spelling out BONSAI. the next morning all his bonsai plants were gone, off the shelves in a sweep kick. for a rich neighborhood Obec is surprisingly crimeridden.
Tai and Luke walk down to their spot out of habit.
Tai: oh my look at this RAD VAN!!! the side of the van all completely plastered with stickers.
Rubikon: it's a white van and they're all Obama, Dean, Kerry and skateboard stickers!!! THIS is a person who won't kidnap you with this van!!!
i'm at Burning Man with Jen.
me: i have you now. little nerd joke.
Jen R: anime?
me: i mean this really is my dream, here we are at Burning Man finally with you.
Jen R: and it's ironically raining. and we're playing indoor sports at a music festival. is tennis an outdoor sport or an indoor sport?
me: that's too existential.
Jen R: first, a little table tennis to whet the appetite.
me: i love how your whet is ping pong, not pickleball...
Jen R: some pool. i was quite the shark in college.
me: both meanings?
Jen R: i hustled the publisher of Hustler. and my dad. i always had two black balls in my sweater pockets. did you know pub snooker was the Beatles' favorite sport?
me: Paul?
Jen R: no, Faul of course.
me: we may dissolve but there will never be another YOU. no woman will EVER compare to you, even if it's 40 years down the road and we've both remarried and forgotten the other. my wife will never be as perfect for me as YOU.
Jen R: every time you rack em up and hit the breakshot, it's different each time, the math spills the balls out concentrically in different angles never quite the same as the previous. like you and me, we're one in two millennia...
Jen R: and now we're outside. i need my walks. breathe in that fresh air, man!!! grow a handlebar mustache so your nostrils flare and open up. i mean isn't it cool that the tennis court is right next to the Burning Man Man Who Shall Burn statue monument relic display made of spiritual straw?
me: yeah, and the tennis court itself is made from the original Man's straw stuffing from his bellyhole. is this what it's like to play tennis on a farm?
Jen R: i've snorted farmland.
me: YOU are the only thing that makes sense in this godawfully confusing world.
Jen R: hey how do you like my outfit?
me: is a sweater an officially-sanctioned part of a standard tennis suit?
Roger Federer: ...
Jen R: i'm rocking this pink grandma sweater, i'm all dolled up in these old threads!!!
me: have you ever considered going blonde?
Jen R: oh no that would be the death of me. it seems natural that i'd go strawberry-blonde to match my sweater, but actually i look best as a dishwater blonde. cos i do dishes. and i'll eat ONE Cascade pod with you. only ONE now.
me: see? only YOU make sense.
Aquaman: it hurts to shower, don't do it, young man.
Unalaska: i mean we're still in Alaska...
Futurama: don't you love how Polaroid cameras still exist in the Futurama future?...
Aaron Rodgers: i am final proof that manifesting doesn't work...
Mardith: ...
at America's Test Kitchen.
Dan Souza: fuck Keith Dresser.
Keith Dresser: get my name out your mouth, you jawlined pipsqueak.
Dan: i'm Kid Genius. i'm a genius cook.
Keith: yeah but i'm intelligent, too, little buddy.
Dan: yeah but i HATE your big body. what are you, a football linebacker who never bovvered to care? don't cook matzahs, eat those saltines cold. you were born to be a cook, Keith Dressing.
Keith Dresser: i'm so big i can call chicken fat schmaltz.
Puck from The Real World to me: hey man, if you're going through something, if you're going through some shit, if you're starting to feel frothy and you're not sure you're gonna make it to the other side, do what i did on the show: close your eyes in a vise, get down on your knees by the doorless sunman kitchen, and pray to God to help you through this pain...
Aaron Rodgers: karate kicks are legal...
phlegm: that little last bit of goatcheese stuck to your throat...
Carrie Fisher: wanna fuck?
Warren Beatty: this is every Star Wars nerd's early-morning fantasy...
croz: Santa Claws
Mark Dickey: pulleys, guys, NOT PULL ME!!!
Boc: i walk past Lucky just to make sure the glass doors still open automatically and i'm not a ghost...
Michael Weiss: yeah so instead of paying $177 for this photo of nuns at Disneyland i'm gonna post this to my Instagram for free...
Luke Russert: is ANYTHING worth buying? for whatever price?
Tai on the other side of the aisles at the grocery store smiles a smile no one sees, bends down to show her butt to the bread, and slaps her butt as if it were a French loaf.
Roger Federer: what's the point of playing post-U.S. Open tennis?...
Codrus: i'm going to the priory.
Minster: Priory rehab? what's your drink of choice, big guy, British wine or holy water?
Cotard: i like you.
Lance Armstrong: i was there in the early days. i gave the horses my dope during Roman chariot races...
Simona Halep: can you stop playing the "Chariots of Fire" Vangelis song right in my ear?!!!...
Robert Saleh: it's not the Jets Curse, it's the Hard Knocks Curse!!!
Takahashi: hey Aaron.
Rodgers: yeah what? i'm busy. i'm dealing with a lot here. the cave didn't work.
Edward Packard: ...
Takahashi: i tried to warn you about Unlucky Number 4...
Jen R: hey that little hussy Suzy Lu stole my pink grandma sweater!!!
Suzy Lu: cool your vagina, lass.
Jen R: you ain't cool enough to wear a Stussy sweater much less mine!!!
Suzy Lu: except mine is a HOT PINK grandma sweater.
Jen R: you can't say calm your tits cos we both got none. do you own a Stussy hussy sweater? want some KFC? it's my favorite food...
Suzy Lu: mine, too. wait how'd you know?...
Celine: okay so how about Before 4: Speed. in this one i'm like Sandra Bullock driving a bus.
Ethan Hawke: i'm intrigued. tell me more about this bus...
Little Big League: this story happened in real life.
Ashley Crow: holy fuck Luke Edwards grew up to be hot!!! i have a crush on my son. my movie son. sorry, son. sorry, real son. i don't like the Chicago Cubs, i don't like their tiny gherkin pickles. does Alabama have an MLB team?...
stress bubble: when you're inside the Dome.
Eye Luggage: Fast Times at Ridgemont High and go.
Jackson Browne: admit it, my song "Somebody's Baby" makes you cry. it's the ultimate intimate nostalgia-bubblegum-liquid song, it hits you back when times were internetless and simple and all you cared about was marrying the first girl who noticed you.
Eddie Vedder: "somebody's only light," that moved me. that hit me right in the feels as a pimply teenager. i never gathered the courage to ask her out, never gained any of that ol' Seattle street gumption, so i entered a band instead.
Tom Petty: "American Girl," this song of mine has been used by EVERYBODY on both sides for their nefarious purposes. but really i just assumed that American girls put out more than the rest of the world. i've come to learn this is false, a French girl in high school would put out as much as the American girl...
Laertus: this movie CREATED nostalgia. see when you think of a mall you don't just think of ANY mall, you think of the Sherman Oaks Galleria...
Julie Patzwald is working at the Galleria's Hot Dog on a Stick.
Eye Luggage: but why, babe, why?
Julie Patzwald, blankly: this rainbow Lincoln hat is cute. mom told me i gotta get out more and make friends.
Eye: thanks a lot.
Julie: new friends. other friends. different friends. like Stacy and Linda.
Phineas: THERE YOU ARE!!!
Perry the Platypus wearing black raccoon eyes, a leather jacket, and a purple-lime green mohawk, is munching on a Sbarro pizza...
Amy Heckerling: pretty good for my first time directing a movie. my first director job.
Cameron Crowe: if THIS had been made into a TV series it would have been Friends...
Judge Reinhold: sorry but Judge is a WEIRD first name to have...
Robert Romanus: no i am not a Romulan. hey remember when i played Jo's boyfriend on The Facts of Life? in 1982 i was the coolest person who had ever lived on Earth. i JUST NIPPED Fonzie for the crown.
Jeff Spicoli: i am EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR CLASSMATES at St. Cyril's grammar school in the '80s in Manhattan Beach. and everywhere else in Southern California. you need to be stoned to surf well, otherwise you're too nervous. look at my Spicoli Smile. only me, Sean Penn, can make THIS face...
three surfers take off their shirts.
Spicoli: who's got the beaucoup Dolores today? no, Dolores isn't a mondo babe i'm banging, i mean dollars.
Anthony Edwards: i got a cigarette. look at me, can you believe i become a fucking DOCTOR?!!!
Eric Stoltz: that cigarette will get wet. i was too stoned for my Back to the Future audition. Caprica made AI sexy...
Spicoli: we are so cool right now with our Velcro wallets.
Brad: hey Spicoli, no shirt, no shoes, you can't go to Vegas to gamble. live it!!!
Laertus's dad: see these were the times, when everyone in your class worked at the SAME place. all of your classmates worked at the mall. you know that's a pretty cool job, that's a pretty cool place to be on a lonely Saturday night: an usher at the mall movie theater, that's where the action was. see if you wanted to watch a movie you had to actually GO to a theater, there was no Netflix...
at the pizza parlor.
Jennifer Jason Leigh: do we use gluten-free wheat dough yet?
Phoebe Cates: omg look who who just came in!!! the 40-year-old with the CUTE BUTT.
Stacy: if he has a cute butt that means he's father material.
Linda: make sure to laugh at all his dad jokes. my husband's, like, 80 years old...
at the baseball dugout late at night, no one around.
Mardith: okay girls we gotta talk about this scene. THIS is how everyone lost their virginities, right? we were all supine on a dugout bench. it wasn't sexy, it wasn't pleasurable. it wasn't enjoyable. it was awkward and it HURT. getting the clothes off was stupid. and as he's grunting like a hyena all you can do is look up to see the band graffiti on the ceiling of the dugout roof.
Madame Pons: i had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE. except my graffiti was Green Day...
Ron Johnson: my name is Ron Johnson. as you can see we're doing the bases metaphor LITERALLY here. can i get to third base with you?
Stacy: what do you do?
Ron Johnson: i sell stereo equipment. ever heard of a VCR?
Stacy: that is so cool. you're gonna be Com Truise someday...
Mardith: i wish i lived in the era when Pat Benatar was still cool...
Linda: his loss, Stace. i mean you weren't gonna marry the guy. have kids with the guy. the VCR is a fad.
Stacy: why do we have to work at the mall during Christmas? this isn't A Christmas Story. don't all students get a Christmas break off for holiday and vacation?
Linda: no, this is pretty standard, this is pretty much what all '80s teenagers did. get yourself a man like me who's always in Europe...
Mark Ratner: they call me Rat which is weird, why do i have a tough-guy nickname? i'm not good with girls, i can't talk to girls the way you do.
Mike Damone: you gotta be smooth with it like me, kid. always bet on yourself. i don't talk to girls, i scalp tickets for them, i'm their concert scalper. purely platonic, we just talk MUSIC. they tell me The Good Earth is the best dark restaurant...
Laertus: ah the arcade, the watering hole of any large metropolitan area, dad taught me all about the arcades of lore.
Laertus's dad: back then, having a quarter was your gatekeeper key. you could play Pac-Man and be seen around town, man!!!
Mario: Pac-Man tournaments? come on...
Forest Whitaker: why do all good black athletes have to be scary? i'm a nice guy. i can take the bus.
Ray Walston: i'm gonna be a RIGHT ASSHOLE TEACHER to you, Spicoli. all movie, but wait till the end. why do you have a bagel down your swim shorts?
Spicoli: i'm trying to get Melissa Maker to like me.
Chad Reynolds: not cool, surfer dude.
Spicoli: talk about a power imbalance. you're a fag, bro.
Mr. Hand: at least call me a dick, young man.
Spicoli: i can't take you seriously as an authority figure, your last name is Hand.
Laertus's dad: there is nothing, and i mean NOTHING, cooler than ordering a delivery pizza to come to your school...
at the school lunch tables at noon.
Stacy: i heard Spicoli pulled a knife on Mr. Hand.
Linda: yeah. Spicoli is an L.A. gangbanger. oh look, my mom packed a carrot in my brown bag lunch, this is the perfect opportunity to give these snickering boys behind us an education. perfect timing. impromptu health class, i'll demonstrate how to give a blowjob. good thing mom didn't pack an apple...
Stacy: Lindz? how much milk does he squirt out?
Linda: if he's excited a pint of milk. he'll say a quart but it's never a quart of milk no matter what he says.
Stacy: remember when i was the milk monitor at St. Cyril's? i was in charge of not losing all the milk cards. one day all the milk cards were lost in a swirling gale of wind on my watch...
Spicoli's dad: son, you need to learn to drive. get your license.
Spicoli: i'm too stoned to drive, dad.
Spicoli's dad: we're gonna give you a car, mom's minivan.
Spicoli: it needs to be a van for all my bongs, dad.
at All-American Burger.
customer: i didn't really enjoy my meal. i want my money back, i nibbled.
Brad: you ate it. sir, a Pioneer Chicken is across the street from you, recognize how historic you are right now...
customer: i wanted fish n chips.
Brad: this is a burger place, sir. hey help me out here, Nic Cage in the back.
Nic Cage: this is MY FIRST-EVER MOVIE. i'm drunk right now.
Brad: because you're nervous?
Nic Cage: no i'm preparing to win an Oscar...
Pamela Springsteen, Lana Clarkson, Nancy Wilson: let's form a girl-group band...
Brad: Stacy, i accidentally ran over your roses with my car.
Stacy: perfect.
Brad: i wonder if SpongeBob started out like this...
Amanda Wyss: i think we should see other people. we're seniors now and we should cut loose and live.
Brad: i was gonna say THAT to YOU. i want to fuck college women.
Amanda Wyss: and what college woman would be interested in you?
Brad: Ms. Krause.
at the caged-animal-experiments facility posing as a vet.
Vincent Schiavelli: i'm the creepy teacher who likes dissections and lobotomies and only gets on with the goths. they make vaccines here.........and pandemics...
Stacy: this poor caged monkey. who's in that cage?
Rat: Billy Corgan. hey remember that old middle-aged woman teacher at Crespi who taught us Freshman Biology?
Stacy: yeah she was like Ms. Krause but Jewish. she let us do the corpse dissection ourselves unsupervised because she was too busy having a cigarette break outside. the corpse was a lifelong smoker...
Stacy: wanna come over to my place and get to first base with me?
Rat: no, i want to look at your family photo album. please wear your avocado mask at all times, you're pretty. in the '80s if you didn't get the girl's phone number written down on a mall napkin, you couldn't look her up in the yellow pages. i always lost this napkin down a sewer drain...
Mike Damone: see this Debbie Harry cardboard stand? i'm gonna place this in between you and me when we fight in the locker room barechested. and then we'll make up and go out for Licorice Pizza, that's where that came from...
Rat: it's my first date, any life hacks?
Damone: tips? don't ever tip. always order two German lobsters for your girl...
Mike Damone alone on a Saturday night: i wish i hung out ONCE with Jeff Spicoli...
at the pool shed.
Damone: OMG you are a VISION!!! you completely naked on this ratty couch here supine, lain out and you lift just your upper-body to sit up, you look like the friggin' Birth of Venus!!!
Stacy: hmmm, interesting, i showed my tits before Phoebe Cates did...
Stacy: i'm ready for the famous Damone Moan.
Damone: I CAME.
Stacy: who are you, Todd Solondz all of a sudden?
Damone: did you feel that?
Stacy: yes, the world moved. how long was that?
Damone: like 4 seconds.
Phoebe Cates: see i tricked you, my famous red-bikini tits-out scene WAS A DREAM!!! people forget about that, this didn't happen in real life.
Brad: wish you would have told me that BEFORE i started masturbating...
Spicoli driving Forest Whitaker's little brother in Forest's car.
little brother: look at this magazine, Bo Derek's BIG TITS!!! i like sex.
Spicoli: you do? why? i'm only seeing the horse in this pic...
lil bro: hey man, can i borrow that Dolly Parton Playboy in the back in the brown-paper cover?
Spicoli: sorry, little dude, that's my dad's Playboy.
Spicoli: you gotta admit, that was QUITE SMART of me to blame the other school for my car wreck, spraypaint their graffiti all over the car, and by extension win the Big Game in football...
Cheap Trick: we'd just like to take a moment to thank this film for giving us some shine, finally someone gives us a boost. thank you for explaining how great and important our music is to the history of all music. we made music what it is today. that Damone conversation by the bleachers was not UNDER it...
Mike Damone: THAT sex we had got you PREGNANT?!!! impossible!!!
Stacy: it only takes a pint. i'm gonna need half the cost for the abortion and a ride to the clinic from you.
Mike Damone: $150 and a ride. sure, you got it.
me: this scene is SEARED into my mind's memory, i remember it so well as i was flipping the channels back to Channel 5 on a lazy Sunday afternoon in the '80s with my all-silver Zenith remote control...
at the abortion clinic.
Brad: who did it? i'll pulverize him.
Stacy: Damone. don't kill him.
Brad: i won't. he's cool. he's got cool hair. what's your best bowling score?
Stacy: 300.
Brad: own your sexual power, girl, nothing wrong with the girl wanting sex.
Stacy: i told Damone to TAKE THAT BACK on the spot. girls are desirous, too.
Damone: why'd you spraypaint LITTLE PRICK on my car?
Linda: it's true, i've seen it.
Spicoli: Assassinate Lincoln? that's pretty righteous for a high school to condone that banner at a pep rally. the morgue? i don't fear death, we're all just water. i know a lot about history, did you know that Romeo and Juliet were real?
Mr. Hand: i can't automatically disprove that. see, Mr. Spicoli? you're a smart young man when you apply yourself. go forth in life, Mr. Spicoli, and become the Virgin Mary.
Spicoli: that ABC Alabama sportscaster gave me the heebie-jeebies in Hawaii. Mr. Hand, will you go to prom with me? i've got the perfect corsage picked out, it's a gherkin pickle.
Mr. Hand: yes. let me have one of these 100 nudie posters you have plastered all over your four California-Redwood-paneled walls of your '70s-pad bedroom first.
Mi-T-Mart.
Brad: i'm waiting for Mordecai to show up. you look confused counting your coins, Spicoli.
Spicoli: don't i have the BEST FACE?
Brad: shit this is a stick-up and i'm new and i don't know the combination to the safe!!!
robber: the combination is 911.
Brad: whoa, Spicoli!!! thanks for knocking out the robber.
Spicoli: he took one look at that Spice Magazine over there and went blind.
Damone: 7-Eleven is NOT a demotion...
Linda: Abnormal Psychology is a legitimate field of study.........my college boyfriend is Jughead...
Mr. Vargas: what's the point of decaf coffee?
Spicoli: Mr. Pickles, get it?...
Amy Heckerling: don't heckle me. you know it's a shame i wasn't able to show the sex scene i wanted, i wanted to show the AWKWARDNESS of two teens having sex.
Mike Damone: on the Director's Cut you see my penis.
Amy: it's only fair. if JJL and Cates had to show their tits, Damone must show his cock.
Mike Damone: the buffalo shot.
JJL: my husband has said my body in this film is what inspired his whale movie...
Richard Roeper: this movie is still the raunchiest teen flick of all time.
Roger Ebert: we were good together. i never told you that before i died...
Laertus: oh but this movie is so SWEET. right? such a SWEET ending, EVERYONE gets a sweet ending!!!
Spicoli waving the hang-loose finger sign: haha, sweet.
Eye Luggage: yeah. sweet like our eternal love for each other.
Dirg: help me.
Laertus and Eye Luggage: g'night folks.
Spicoli: i don't get it, i slapped like you slapped and i had to go to jail for it.
Will Smith: you slapped an extra, i slapped an equal.
