HAYVENHURST

Michael Jackson leisurely rides his KITT-from-Knight Rider black limousine back into the stone garage of his Hayvenhurst house in Encino. but the limousine isn't black anymore, it's white.

Michael Jackson: the limousine is clear like in that Mighty Mighty Bosstones video with the orange Fall leaves all around, all the orange leaves reflecting onto the clear-like-a-mirror limousine making the limousine in fact orange-leaf-colored.

the stone fountain of the always-autumnal courtland speaks to Mike deeply, for it's the last turn. the mirror limo escapes that last band of light to lose its mirroredness and bud as it enters safely the cocoon.

Michael Jackson: Hayvenhurst is home. it's my castle, it's my fortress. i'm protected on all sides when i'm in this brown square, the cobblestone culls around me. away from press, the media, music critics, critics of my dancing, and my family. it's my sanctuary. shit it's my dancefloor where i can come up with new dance moves that maybe the critics will like better. and it's only a block away from St. Cyril's School, my cousin goes to St. Cyril's. there will be many a birthday party in this area under a grey sky of paid-for arcades and bought batting cages, Formula 1 cars owned by me that are pepperoni-pizza-colored. see this isn't a mansion, this is my hiding abode...

the three approach Michael Jackson's fort with equal parts trepidation and ebullience.

Luke Russert: don't know about you but i'm excited. my cheeks are BUSSIN' with rosy red!!! could be an Irish thing.

me: i'm feeling uninhibited right now.

Lindy Lenz: i'm wary. i'm more into Prince, sorry. 

me: so the kitty litter.

Lindy: yeah.

me: the cats PLAY in that kitty litter like it's their own private Oahu beach, all the globe-sized pebbles are EVERYWHERE in my room. 

Lindy: well you know this is a chance for you to do some honest work for a change, don't rely on the maid, don't rely on Rosa, YOU VACUUM. 

me: i don't have a vacuum.

Lindy: i'm caring for a sick bot right now, it's a LOT OF STRESS. but i believe i can talk to someone for you who can help you once he gets better...

Luke Russert: we have to stock up on supplies for the next leg of our journey. which can only mean one thing.

me: foodstuffs? like venison and haggis?

Luke: no, cereal. i can't eat anything too heavy as you can see from my body type. is there a The Store near here, Mike?

Michael Jackson distracted reading a glossy college magazine: take my key, the key is chained to the birdcage.

Luke travels to The Store a block away riding his backpack that has turned into a bicycle.

Luke: how can one do the groceries without a car? i've never been able to figure that one out, to solve that mystery. as you can see from these tight aisles there are TWO CEREALS that are ULTRA RARE right now, I HAVE TO HAVE CEREAL. the Disney 50th Anniversary cereal.

Lindy: oh come on, man, that's just sugar!!!

Luke: you sound like my mother, she was the disciplinarian of the family. she hated cake balls. she published an expose on Michael Jackson's weird sex stuff and weird medical stuff.

Lindy: oh you'll like this box, Luke, it's Looney Tunes cereal with red twisted Tasmanian Devil cereal pieces.

Luke: ultra rare, Taz spaz pieces. i need to get this cereal NOW because there's no guarantee it'll be on that shelf tomorrow much less two weeks from now. SEIZE THE CEREAL DAY!!! whack that wheat, grab that germ.

me: to be fair they're red balls. they probably taste like cherry like every cereal does.

Jen R: i backed up into a vodka truck.

me sanding my toenails with a nail file: girl that is so you. are you okay? what happened?

Jen R: nobody believes me but it was his fault. i had the right of way under that tunnel.

me: i believe you. i will always believe you, Jen. this is why i don't drive anymore, it's too complicated, i walk everywhere now, it's much easier.

Jen R: the vodka driver was a rude and burly man. I HAD TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS TRUCK!!! can you believe that?

me: i can imagine, that's a lot of stress. stressful situation.

Jen R: i'm like 1/4 of his weight, i had to squeeze that fatass's fat ass, extricate him from his charred smoking vehicle FOR FOUR HOURS WITHOUT BREAKS. what am i, on an episode of Highway Thru Hell?!!!

me: you must be EXHAUSTED. want some Prince purple drank?

Jen R: he called me a cunt.

me: that is RIDICULOUS.

Jen R: don't protect my honor.

me: no i know but that is ridiculous. this fatsack fuck knuckle is in the presence of an ANGEL and he can't see it. did he notice your PLUMP LIPS at all?!!! i want to wipe the grease from his eyes with a razor. 

Jen R: no violence. use your words.

me: this is YOU we're talking about, you the Woman of Heaven. this man is LUCKY having you TOUCH HIM to get him out of there. he was already free when he first cast his eyes upon your glorious face, your vibey visage. if it were me, i would have made sure i was NICE AND STUCK in the cup-holder of my hatchback jackrabbit car, i would let you MOVE ME for hours, you would have to hug me to free me for an EXTRA LONG TIME, EXTRA LONG HUG...

three talking by Michael Jackson's stone pool covered in a blanket of autumn leaves.

T.J. Watt: does the poolboy EVER come? hey did you see me take a flop while cleaning my pool the other day and tumble into my pool? ESPN's comment was now that's a dive. do you do that, too?

me: no. i've never had a pool. by the way, very Gatsby, this is a very Gatsby pool.

Jim Brown: you clean your own pool? that surprises me. i'm 50 years older than you but i can still take you, twit. you were cleaning your pool at 3PM instead of watching Sportcenter? what's wrong with you, young buck?

Montana: your wildfire smoke is decreasing our air quality over here.

Canada: it's called karma, Montana...

Laertus: to me, commercials are short films...

Secretary's Cup: the #1 killer in men is not heart disease but loneliness...

Robbie from Carmel Stone Imports: ALL of our business is Michael Jackson's Hayvenhurst estate. i've been personally working on that stone town square for 30 years of my life now, i missed my son's wedding. that built barbie bunny in the cream-colored one-piece skydiving safari suit? yeah there's some rodgering of her by me behind the stone slab. she reminds me of April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, i can't resist her California Valley Girl accent...

barbie bunny: everyone HATES my accent.

Robbie: i'm from Australia. g'day. Crocodile Dundee is dead, a stingray knifed him with Crocodile Dundee's own serrated Rambo knife, but his spirit lives on in Bayou Billy. 

barbie bunny: this suit i'm wearing isn't puffy, i'm built like a brick house.

Kevin Costner on a horse in Michael Jackson's corn backyard: i didn't cancel Yellowstone, Mary McDonnell did...

Eric Andre: yeah i'm the owner of Mage. you didn't think i was into the horses, huh? i'm sly with it like Jim Rome. i shaved my head...

Kurt Cobain: ...

Quentin Tarantino: Rick Dalton is dead.........he drowned...

Jack Nicholson courtside: this could very well be my last Lakers game ever.........unless there's a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest sequel...

Laertus sitting down on the soft red felt of Michael Jackson's private-screening-room seats: a movie about Jennifer Lawrence trying to make an introverted awkward 19-year-old young man a man by seducing him before he leaves for college entitled No Hard Feelings. THAT IS A BRILLIANT TITLE!!! 

Jennifer Lawrence: right? i got paid for this job, both meanings.

ESPN: did you know Austin Reaves tends to a secret garden? here's B-roll of him roller-scootering to his garden by the skatepark now carrying his watercan. and Rui Hachimura, his favorite movie is Rollerball.........oh forget it...

LeBron James: thank you, ESPN. one game at a time...

Rui Hachimura: i got an anime name in real life...

Blair O'Neal on the range, the golf course in the Hayvenhurst basement: on this week's episode, i'm discussing shaft length with Dustin Johnson...

Martin Hall: can you believe this is my job? talk about a dream job. i get to be with Blair O'Neal and NOT be a dirty old man!!! golf is okay, but Florida sucks.

sugar date: the plant. the palm plant. brown sugar. the sugar that's actually brown-colored. not sugar dating...

bodikon: ironically, bodikon means "tombstone" in Japanese.

Takahashi: you mean fittingly. bodycon is not a convention...

Kimberly Chandler on Michael Jackson's beige basketball court by the fountain: why'd you marry me?

Tyson Chandler: you look like Jasmine Guy, okay?...

NES in the bay window: Nintendo Entertainment System, Neverending Story...

Leslie Sbrocco holding up a glass of wine at the longtable for Michael Jackson's bris: we don't just do East Bay, baby, we do WEST BAY, you know what i mean?...

Michael Jackson drops his cousin Jan Jackson off at St. Cyril's by pulling in the driveway which is the asphalt tetherball court. Jan wears the dark-green plaid St. Cyril's girl's uniform and thick black curls in her hair, she's the only 6th Grader in history who is able to pull of the pink-spiked-hair-rollers-in-her-hair look.

Michael Jackson: sorry, cozz, but for 20 years i didn't know your name, i didn't know who you were, that you existed, you were just another relative to me and for that i am sorry. everyone wants money from me, you know? there's no familial love anymore. everyone in my life eventually blurs into an episode of Good Times.

Jan Jackson: that's okay, Uncle Mike, i know you're busy.

Michael: am i a man? i have too many responsibilities, i just want to be a kid. to be honest this whole time i thought you were Janet...

Jan's classmates ooh and ahh in wonderment.

classmates, starry-eyed: oh my god oh oh oh it's gulp Michael Jackson!!! he's wearing the glove and everything!!!

Michael tosses his moist dirty silver glove on top of a fat kid's head.

Jan: everyone, my fellow classmates, put up your books and gather round, my Uncle Mike is gonna tell you a story.

Ms. Krause: are you sure you're not Janet Jackson?

Jan: no, Teacher, no, ma'am.

Ms. Krause: oh right. okay Mr, Michael, step in front of the class and regale us with your tale. i dub thee hitherto. Show And Tell shall commence!!!

Michael Jackson takes off his wet moist dark socks and plops them on the teacher's desk. he puts his bare feet up, cups his curly head with his hands in the back of his neck and starts reminiscing.

Michael Jackson: this is how i read. i love to read within the hallowed halls of Hayvenhurst. my Hayvenhurst home is MAGICAL under May Gray only, not July Sky!!! looking forward to that June Gloom, the magic only comes when it's an overcast sky, my place looks like Halloween all year round, perfect to promote "Thriller."

classmates: what do you read, sir?

Michael: oh everything, i like to read about languages, linguistics, and learning. i read math textbooks. i read world history, art history, the history of popcorn, and the history of circular orange Brady Bunch shag carpets. i'm teaching my chimpanzee how to ride an emu. i'm learning how to be a father BEFORE i have kids, how to parent in an alcove. ah the 1980s, what an innocent time. i taught E.T. the finger thing...

Michael Jackson: i have a collection of 300 pinball machines, one is an ULTRA RARE pinball machine officially licensed by the movie Purple Rain, there's only one in existence, they only made one, and it's in MY garage, Prince is PISSED about that...

Jan Jackson: okay class, i have to go now.

classmates: AT NOON?!!! YOU HAVE A HALF DAY?!!!

Jan: yeah, Uncle Mike is taking me to the concert tonight.

classmates: lucky.

Ms. Krause: can i come early?

Michael: no.

Ms. Krause: dangit.

Michael takes Jan to the concert at night, behind the GIANT BLACK CURTAINS backstage is Sheryl Crow.

Michael Jackson: oh hi Sheryl!!! i didn't recognize you with that crazy '80s hair!!! it's so HIGH, so FRIZZY and TANGLED. how much hairspray do you use?

Sheryl: not as much as you. Michael, please tell me Frank DiLeo isn't here.

Michael: don't worry, i fired him a decade ago. do you want to be my manager?

Sheryl Crow: sure. let me just squeeze out of this slinky beaded chiffon dazzling gold disco dress and the first-ever Redbottoms.

Michael Jackson gets up on stage to an adoring crowd of over 373,456 in attendance.

Michael: HELLO.........SEATTLE?!!! this seems like a good strong Kurt Cobain crowd. hey everybody say hello to my cousin Jan.

Jan blushes in the middle of the mosh pit as the crowd swarms on top of the lanky child. 

crowd in unison: hello, young lady.

Jan: technically i'm your niece but these distinctions don't matter in the end.

Michael Jackson: that's Jan, everyone, not Janet. Janet Jackson is not here, Janet Jackson has left the building. okay, i know why you came out here in the pouring rain to hear me sing, i know you came for ONE SONG AND ONE SONG ONLY YOU WANT ME TO SING LIVE from my new album Thriller. pretty good album by the way, huh? a marked improvement from my last album. you're here for one reason only, get ready as i sing for you "Baby Be Mine..."

 

THE MICHAEL JORDAN DRAFT: I ALWAYS HAD THE TONGUE

 

notes:

* Michael Jordan: the Sam Bowie Draft. Michael Jordan to the Bulls, let's see how this works out...

Michael Jackson: so i'm gonna have to be working with this guy, huh?

Michael Jordan: 1984 was a good year, not all that doom and gloom...

Charles Barkley: how many championships am i gonna win?

Michael Jordan: because of me, you're gonna be surprised...

* Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: we had to change the name to Frankmobile, we were getting complaints from the neighbors...

* Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: the Frankmobile with love and dedication is named after that husky-voiced guy from Millennium...

* Formula 1: nobody cares about the other races, the only Formula 1 race that matters is the MONACO STREET RACE.

Serano: yes. it's the only race that's worthy of the name Grand Prix.

Melbourne: it's because no one still quite understands how they're able to drive 100 Formula 1 racecars around curves of a tiny-as-fuck small microstate beset on all sides by a ring of active volcanos.

James Bond in a jetpack: Monte Carlo is an island onto its own, it's in the shape of one GIANT green-felt poker table, NOT a roulette wheel...

* Angela Bassett: when you don't get the Oscar, you get a scar. Oscar scar. oSCAR.

Scar from The Lion King: tell me about it. Disney doesn't empathize with its villains...

* Lucio: Santa, bro, really? YOU?!!!

Santa Claus: i sent out that spam call, sorry.

Lucio: Santa spam, that's a new low for the world.

* Doryce: Rusty Lake? that's my vagina on Thursday mornings...

* Justin Suh: it's pronounced Suh. like suck. don't you dare. don't you dare. i'll whip your ass in golf and steal your caddie's girlfriend. your looper will be so loopy he'll quit golf and take up gravedigging.

* Kanye: hello. i'm a TikTok rapper from Montana...

* Mr. Bean: Hapka? i got 5 1s, mate!!! 11/1/11, November 1, 2011. not to mention the 3 exclamation points. New Age started with the Druids...

* BDO babe: you know my righteous swinging tits, right? they're known as the Closer Tits. my tits close the deal. looking for some closer capital? no you can't touch them.

* nostomania: The Noid's nostalgia. not for Domino's pizza but for a nice New York Slice...

* youtube: a bunch of people making panic videos about everything.........but why?...

* Alberto Vargas: imagine if Walt Disney drew exclusively nudes...

* Jessica Alba: you didn't think i had it in me, huh.

Cash Alba: i did. after all, you married me and my name is Cash. i inspired you from the start of our relationship, all you were thinking about was cash. i'm her husband...

* Stephanie Abrams: misty May mornings. and then June Gloom. nobody sees me anymore.........nobody watches Pattrn...

* Leslie Sbrocco: Check, Please. get it? as in please check the food out to see if it's good...

* Leslie Sbrocco: this is the show where one foodie recommends a restaurant in the better half of the state and the the other two check it out to criticize it. 

Peter Griffin: does the winner get to suck on your tits?

Leslie: there's no winner, Peter...

* Michael J. Fox: did you see in Bright Lights, Big City when it started to look like my Diet Pepsi Super Bowl commercial? the choice of a new generation...

* Rinvoq.

man: they give you flour in the worst package imaginable. flour sacks should be used only when there's no bricks...

woman: i'm a female high-school boys swimming coach? yes please. when do i upgrade to water polo? it's me, Margot Kidder. i'm still here. the media got it all wrong. you see Wolverine is my husband. and we have lunch every Thursday with Yogi Bear up on Canyon Mountain. Canyon Mountain makes good bikes but i can't ride on account of my bum spirit. did we win Standing Rock?...

Katie Douglas: why do i only play kidnap victims? Ms. Kidder, remember when you did that guest spot on my show Spooksville? 

Margot: that was the last thing i ever did. Canadian horror, appropriate. 

* Margot Kidder: i was irritable on set, Ms. Douglas, sorry. i was irritable on every set i was ever on my whole career for some reason. my life was like that 1990 Canadian anthology series Saying Goodbye...

* Lily from AT&T: how did that professional chef cut his finger off like that? that seems so careless.

couple: thanks, we were just about to eat our Michelin steak.

Lily from AT&T: i like the service here.........get it?.........never eat cooked clams, trust me...

* Gordon Ramsay: i want to fuck Lily from AT&T but she's too chipper...

* We Are All in the Finals: narrated by Xavier: Renegade Angel. we are all the NBA. except those not part of the Council of Ten...

Tony Hawk: i can jump higher on my skateboard than the arc of Steph Curry's 3-pointer. 

Laertus: champagne or just pain, good piece of writing there.

* Beer Country: this is what BoJack Horseman live-action would look like...

Budweiser Clydesdale: beer country, it's just Montana. i'm gonna win the Preakness tomorrow...

* The Home Depot: you know when you look at your walls and ask yourself what can i do over there and over there and over there? a blue buffet, invisible wallpaper, a chandelier for the dog, and a FOURTH coating of paint. but then you look at your smartphone and it says you have no money...

* Amazon Prime chef.

chef: i watch The Boys for the food...

Brooke Trantor: ...

* Linkedin laundromat.

ginger girl: what's the purpose of a laundromat? to make Vaporwave music, the laundromat is your studio. what's the purpose of a dry cleaner's? to ride that curly conveyor belt of vacuum-packed plastic suits, dresses, and shoes...

* Amazon bedroom.

mom: i bought my boys a tent and made their bunkbed of squabbling squalor into a Whole New World of a blue and neon-blue water wonderland deep down below under the sea. learning about fish, starfish, crabs, and a plump purple granny whom they already find attractive.

boys: mom, we want to go see The Little Mermaid.........the 2023 The Little Mermaid.

mom: i raise good boys.

CLICK HERE FOR LATE-NIGHT HORSE RACING

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: late-night horse racing? late-night golf? all i know is there are ONLY TWO places that are open LATE: Wendy's and Denny's. but is 12AM really THAT late?...

 

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY: ALEX P. McFLY

 

me: so the kitty litter.

Lindy Lenz: yeah. 

me: i'm glad i don't have to drive to get it. it's right around the corner. but it leaves such a MESS. i have to vacuum every night after. those pellets are more like small rocks.

Lindy: sticks and rocks will break your cock. and names hurt. 

me: your voice cutely cracked again just then.

Lindy: i know, i'm trying to sound like a cat. a cute cat crack.

Greykid: madam i have a Mid-Atlantic accent i acquired at Harvard.........of the West, Stanford. i went to Stanford, both end in -rd.

Felix: i was the first crack cat...

Luke Russert: your life is on the rocks.........but at least your head ain't full of rocks, that's what my dad Tim Russert always used to say to me.

Luke Russert: so i have to do all the driving on this trip?.........fine.

Michael Jackson: it's not so bad, Sir Luke. especially when you have someone special in the passenger seat to keep you company.........no, not Ben, Ben can't talk, silly, Ben's a rat, i'm talking about Jerry from Tom & Jerry.

Luke: so our next stop is the monastery. nice place you've got here.

Aaron Rodgers: are you fucking kidding me? this place sucks.

Thomas Merton: hear hear Saint Aaron. 

Aaron: wait you're still alive?

Thomas: no i'm still dead. but someone out there is looking out for me cos it seems the prayers worked.

Buddha: God?

Thomas: no, Knickers's prayers obviously. all that matters is women.

Prince Harry in a monk robe: yellow taxis are better than black taxis. you know what, Meghan and i are just gonna walk...

Aaron Rodgers: i don't know what an oblate is but it's not my oblique pass.........speaking of which, what's this woman doing here?

Alejandra Silva: no i'm not Kaley Cuoco!!! i'm Spanish, bitch. how is Richard Gere in bed? he's "recovering..."

Thomas: it's cool guys it's cool, she's with me. she's allowed in here. you have me to thank for the relaxing of the rule, now every monk is assigned their own Knickers.

Aaron: yeah but mine's Shailene Woodley...

Luke Russert: we're looking for Oldo, anyone seen him?

Thomas: oh Oldo, i knew him well. he was such a beautiful man. he taught us sprouts everything we knew here. he prepared the dandelion salad for all us monks even when it was not in season.

Leslie Sbrocco in a nun habit with wings:: ...

Thomas: Oldo would scold us to eat dandelion salad three times a day or we'd lose our blood. i countered with i told Oldo i didn't need my blood anymore, i was in a monastery.

Lindy: hey guys come out here, check out the back of the monastery.

in the back lies Starscream from the Transformers shattered into 33 pieces strewn all across the yard. his faceplate can still speak but only in hushed tones as he struggles for breath and has haggard eyes.

Starscream: i can't do the Hustle no more. i'm sick of this war not with the Autobots but with Megatron, i want it to finally end. the ends to wars, aren't they just? just stupid. i just wanted a kid to play baseball with, i wanted Uncle Megatron to be my boy's metal bat. the three of us in shot. no shooting. the Robot World is echelonic, it's not fair for the poor and destitute. the elderly and the chronically sick. the abandoned and ailed. no more sidegrades, we need an improvement to the equipment.   

Lindy: it's okay, Starscream, you can still make your life about something good in the end. hey you (me) and Luke, you guys search for Oldo some more on the other side of the monastery, i got a bot to tend.

Lindy hugs Starscream.

Jessica Alba: you didn't think i had it in me, huh...

Jaclyn Dunn: you can tell the mornings i shower before the report and the mornings i don't. sometimes my arms are saggy, sometimes they're silky. all part of maintaining THE GREATEST BODY OF ALL TIME.

Jaclyn Dunn: i fucking despise morning traffic, why do i have to report on filth? everyone just get jetpacks. 

alleyway ayahuasca: if it's good enough for Bill Hicks on a desert bus...

mom: Nick Kyrgios got knee surgery BEFORE ME?!!! oh FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

Ashley Parker: Amazon Business. sustainability is good vibes. sustainability means green plant hedges inside. the cars we build will have enough room in the front for Jim Comey's long legs. my car is electric and eccentric, the size of a dime not stops on a dime, eggshell blue, i love people...

Ashley Parker: my eggshell-blue minicar is more like half of a car.........and yes we used the American Auto set for this...

Victor Wembanyama: don't call me Wemby, that's lazy. i'm 8-foot Michael Jordan. i'm a real titan. i dunk all my free throws...

me: do you have any advice for me?

Victor: keep wearing that back brace, kid.

me: i did. i wore it until i became a man. i wore it all through junior-high and high, never went to prom because of it. i was so embarrassed of my back. my dad lost his fingers losing the grip of that damn back brace trying to put it on me every night before storytime. he used his book as a wedge, there was no opening that thing, cracking that flap, entering its door, and when it finally attached itself to my back like glue, the screws screwed to hold it in place broke dad's fingernails. a lot of sleepless night where everything was ignored between dad and mom. and for what? all that wearing a pile of bricks on my spine, what did it do for me? what did it accomplish? it straightened me out. my back lengthened. i became taller than you, Wemby. but i never became a man.

Victor: maybe become a bricklayer?...

screwless: you have a screw loose if you're screwless.

Luke Russert: right?

Queen Elizabeth: AI? no that's really me doing the Running Man...

Kendrick Perkins: when is Charles Barkley retiring?...

crepe: everything's a tortilla in the end.

Sam Egan: HOLY SHIT i even predicted Jeff Bezos's privatized flight into space!!!

Sam Egan: hey imagine if Star Trek: The Next Generation had been on Showtime...

NHL: come on, Kraken vs. Golden Knights would have been AWESOME!!!

El Nino: because of me, there are hurricanes in the Pacific Ocean now, this is a new thing for 2023...

Eye Luggage: Bright Lights, Big City and go.

Michael J. Fox: this sucks. this could have been something special. this could have been an '80s Midnight Cowboy. exploring the dark underbelly of cocaine yuppie New York City. but instead the critics savaged it and it became a joke because they said i wasn't right for this role. i was too light for this dark material.

Jay McInerney: and yet, strangely, they did a Broadway play of my book...

Alexandra Silber: yes and no. it was a Broadway musical...

Laertus: that's the thing tho, this really isn't that bad, it's PRETTY GOOD. sure it would have been better if Tom Cruise had done it...

Tom Cruise: me? i was busy during this time playing my one billionth 1980s boy protagonist...

L. Ron Hubbard: superboy protagonist...

Dirg: i crashed Takahashi's car and he don't want to be friends with me no more. not unless i rebuild his car into a brand new DeLorean...

Laertus: that's the ironic thing tho, it's this HIS DARK MATERIALS that's the very thing we're talking about.

Michael J. Fox: right? the script was written and rewritten over again. the book has a lot of dark stuff that the studio didn't want me doing because i was still doing Family Ties and protecting my wholesome image. 

Meredith Baxter-Birney: didn't Alex do shrooms in one episode?

Michael: eventually they agreed to include back the dark stuff. but only if the film was Rated X.

Michael J. Fox: are you ready for your Fox Fix?

Meredith Baxter-Birney: don't know about anyone else but i sure am.

Michael J. Fox: THIS IS GONNA BE WEIRD. are you guys ready to see me in a movie that's not Back to the Future?...

Kiefer Sutherland: i would have been a gifted actor REGARDLESS of my dad Don. 

Phoebe Cates: SEE?!!! SEE?!!! i did the Demi Moore shaved-head badass haircut thing before Demi did!!!

Swoosie Kurtz: you will NEVER forget my name.........i'm named after Kurtz from Heart of Darkness...

Frances Sternhagen: perfect casting, i play STERN well.

Tracy Pollan: see? we met HERE, not on Family Ties...

Dianne Wiest: i'm in a bed but it's not a sex scene...

Gina Belafonte: will i carry on the legacy? sure. but no more tallymen. no tallywomen either for that matter...

David Hyde Pierce: do i do a cameo here or a bit part?...

Michael J. Fox: the film follows one week of my life. i know, everyone forgets about that...

Michael: hookers and blow, this is the 1980s. i've done my fair share. okay so i do a lot of blow and hookers. but it would be fun if i still had a drug partner, a partner in drugs with me, my wife Amanda. but alas she left me.

bartenderess, bartendess, barkeepess: you look sad? is it a woman?

Michael: of course it's a woman. sex and death, remember? you can't get sad when you die.

bartendess: you like my mohawk?

Michael: it just looks like regular hair.

Tom Cruise: isn't this the same silver set from Cocktail? the Citizen Kane amphitheater bar... 

Michael J. Fox: so what do i do? do i hook up, combining both words, with a random woman i met in a club bathroom? i'm this close to a rando rubber room. who knows, this rando woman could be my next Amanda. or at least my next wife...

random woman: i like your wordplay with the alphabet. 

Michael: i'm a writer.

woman: c is for coitus. f is for fuck.

Michael: l is for libidinous.

woman: or you're a liberal, forget it then.

Michael: what i'd say? there's a dictionary in my pocket, wanna borrow it? wanna borrow my pocket dictionary?...

Jennifer Pizarro: so the whole Amanda thing...

me: i know and i can't.........i know but i just can't talk to you right now.........i still can't talk to you right now, it hurts still to this day, badly.........the eerie similarities here are DEADING me...

Kiefer: come to the club.

Michael: why?

Kiefer: i want to tell you something. just the two of us, two yuppies shooting the breeze.

Michael: so?

Kiefer: i just want to say wait for American Psycho, that will cover this material in a better fashion. it'll be more dramatic, Christian Bale is a better actor than you.

Michael J. Fox: hey i'm just here because of Family Ties. it was a surprise hit.

Kiefer: Tad Allagash? could that name BE any more East Coast Ivy League frat boy? the name Allagash is too perfect, allagashed as a verb, the -gash in the word, when you say you allagashed a woman, you ravished her, you allagashravished her.

Kiefer: see that girl over there, Michael? across the bow of the club, across the bowl of dancers, over there on the other side leaning on the balcony. she REALLY likes to eat long celery stalks... 

Michael: fact-checker? i hate my job. newspapers suck, i want to do FICTION. i have an imagination.

old-woman boss: fine, cover the COMA BABY. that's interesting and kinda fantastical and sci-fi-ish, right?

Michael: hi does anyone speak French over there?

Victor Wembanyama: no, just me, i have a perfect English accent.

Michael: i'm just corroborating. so the eskimos wear porkpie hats made of salmon. true. and you were given a gold watch by the team that they melted down and had you drink as part of the ritual. true. thank you.

Victor: ...

Michael: can a pregnant woman be in a coma? i wish that had happened to Amanda. just kidding. sort of. why did she leave me? note to self: remove the art above my bed, it's too freaky, too Guillermo del Toro...

bathroom scene.

man: are you doing cocaine in a bathroom stall? that is so '80s. cocaine tastes better in the bathroom for some reason. read Hazlitt, he gave the best advice for aspiring writers. and the best advice in general like how to detect your boss's piss. i know what Clara's pee smells like now. how to make the main character interesting and exciting, that sort of thing.

Michael: Hazlitt?

man: he fell into obscurity because he died of tuberculosis at age 19. tuberculosis was like an overdose back then.

vendor: you want a little butter on your bread? on your pastrami on rye? like your mother used to make it.

Michael: and what would you know of it? my mother died of cancer, thanks pal.

vendor: hey i'm just saying, people forget to butter their bread in sandwiches, they forget that it's actually bread in there. all bread needs to be buttered at all times.

Webster's: the raciest thing you'll ever read. because you're racing to finish that damn book called a dictionary, you're starting from Page 1 and it's starting to get boring...

Tad at Jamie's apartment.

Tad: you look bad.

Michael: i don't look at myself in the mirror when i dress. i use the mirror to slide coke.

Kiefer: did you know all humans are just collections of skin? what are you working on?

Laertus's dad: ah, typewriting books, those were the days...

Michael: Dead Amanda i mean Dear Amanda. i slipped on the key from r to d.

Laertus's dad: that's a real thing on the keyboard. and that's a damn good line of writing if i do say so myself.

Michael: you always hated Amanda, didn't you.

Kiefer: she was pretty as all get out. but you didn't have to marry her...

Kiefer: you marry the girl who has a supply of Robitussin, you know?

Oscar de la Renta: the dress shirt all '80s boys at St. Cyril's wore...

Swoosie: are you in Dutch with the boss?

Michael: i wish i could buy her happiness myself. why does she hate me so much? it's not MY fault she never got married.

Swoosie: take her to one of your clubs if you want to keep your job. 

Michael: i could sleep with her but.........nah. i always wanted a grandma in my bed but.........nah.

Swoosie: am i a grandma to you? you have such a babyface.

Michael: my boss has the heart of a twelve-minute egg. i don't know, i only drink runny eyes.

Cecily Strong: did someone say smoked emperor penguin on a Triscuit?...

old man: why are the fish in our water cooler not fighting fish? all the stuff i read from college grads today is PHONY. treacly poetry. you gotta write from your heart, you gotta write about money it's the '80s. yeah i knew Bill Faulkner. we went to that Disney kid Musso's club all the time.

William Faulkner: nobody EVER called me Bill Faulkner...

old man: i wanted Bill Faulkner to write about money but he insisted on writing about things like the meaning of life and women.

Michael: there's a connection there somewhere...

Zalman King: OMG THIS SCENE with Phoebe Cates in the mud mask, this is SO ME, this is SO Zalman King soft porn.

Phoebe Cates: why is this mud mask hardening into rock and then concrete?

masseuse: don't worry, we'll stick two straws up her nose so she can breathe.

Phoebe: yeah that's attractive.

masseuse: i'll insert the cocaine up her nose for her, don't worry.

Michael: i thought you'd be naked in a vat of latex batter.

vendor: want me to batter your bread with latex like mom used to make?

masseuse: you go, king.

Zalman King: *blushes* 

at the car wash, Melissa Maker pulls up in her black BMW longcar all shiny with gobs of messy melty turtle wax to be slathered on.

Dahc the mechanic wearing dark-blue slacks and a light-blue shirt: omg. um, can i help you, ma'am?

Melissa: we need to have a conversation. a crucial conversation like my mom always used to say to me. you did such a wonderful job detailing my baby i'm video-ing you now to put on my Instagram, free publicity for your business!!! green garage!!! why do you look so worried?

Dahc: i don't want you seeing my boner in my pants. hopefully it was the right shade of blue...

Zalman King in the backseat: this is SO Zalman King soft porn scene...

  

Michael: Amanda? is that you? or is this an Amanda mannequin? i'll take the Amanda mannequin home with me, i never watched Twilight Zone, Doctor Who, and that '80s mannequin movie...

Michael: i need a drink.

David Hyde Pierce: one brown vodka coming up. 

Michael: so how's Frasier?

David: Kelsey Grammer is the nicest Republican you'll ever meet.

Michael: look, i know i'm acting like a crazy person, but i'm not a shooter. i just want to talk with my wife on stage. she's still my wife, not my EX, so it's legal. i signed no paper that's not paper cash. i want an explanation, just a simple explanation so we don't have to go through with the divorce and go on Judge Steve Harvey instead. don't throw me out, i paid for this vodka instead of paying for my mother's funeral.

Mardith: really? sigh, calling Vicky the Princeton grad student an overweight pig with glasses? sigh.

Julia Ioffe: i'm offended.

Michael: i said PRIG.

Michael Jackson: and you called her a dog...

Vicky: remember Waldenbooks? that bookshop had such a smell to it, it was the smell of ADVENTURE. where are meet-cutes gonna happen now? everybody meets their future spouse by looking over a bookshelf...

at the restaurant.

Vicky: how do you know Tad?

Michael: he was in that movie The Lost Boys. will i ever see you again?

Vicky: yeah i play field hockey and i'm getting my lockjaw looked at by your dentist. also, we're getting married soon, right after this movie premieres. quick, what is Wittgenstein's number-one tenet?

Michael: don't eat raw oysters out of a donkey's butt. because the oysters will cook in there. the ass being a metaphor for your best friend.

Jane Goodall: i have to admit, i never thought i'd see a FERRET in this movie...

Kiefer: don't worry about all thsis cloak-and-dagger stuff we're doing in your ex-office. not suspicious at all, you won't be thrown in jail. ferrets are fine as long as they don't bite your dick. we got pygmy penises, remember?

Clara: who ate the urinal cake in my office?!!!

old man: can i confess to you young whippersnappers? i UNDERSTAND Anais Nin. i understand where she's coming from. there are no right-wing woman authors so i had a date with Anais Nin at Berkeley. Henry Miller beat me up and left me on Telegraph Avenue.

Michael J. Fox: okay this is THE LONGEST MONOLOGUE OF ALL TIME. this monologue i recite is 3 hours long. i did this in ONE TAKE. it's impossible the monologue i just did there, it's impossible for the human mind to remember that many lines all in a row all in one sequence like that.

Michael J. Fox: my cantilever high-rise Manhattan rectangular apartment looks like the inside of the house from E.T..

Michael begins mussing up Swoosie's cashmere blouse and cashmere skirt.

Swoosie: you don't want this...

Mardith: it's true, never fuck your female friend, your best friend of the opposite sex, your platonic confidante, it never ends well.

Swoosie: that doesn't mean I don't want this...

Swoosie begins mussing up Michael J. Fox's suit and tie...

sexual abandonment: when your plane leaves on time...

Michael: little brother, you can stay in my apartment. but don't eat the flavored contraceptive jelly. 

little brother: but that's the jelly Amanda and i ate together and bonded over. i for one LIKED Amanda.

vendor: jelly on your pastrami-on-rye bread?

Michael J. Fox: i can't run around the city on my bum leg. there's a piece of property here that's the size of a pepperoni pizza slice. gotta love New York.

the very effective deathbed scene.

mom: i know all the girls you've slept with. even Clara.

Michael: *blushing* mom how do you KNOW this?

mom: a mother knows. it's not fun when you make love without the love. take your father. please. you promise to never pull the plug on me, right? no matter WHAT. you promise?

Michael: i promise...

mom: my son the writer, remember the most important word in the English language: condom.

mom: you're not coming to my funeral?

Michael: no.

mom: that's smart, that way i'll never be dead in your mind...

Prince Harry: ...

Coma Baby: hey blood, can you hear me speaking to you?

Michael: yes. is it the drugs?

Coma Baby: no, my man, i'm just taking a break from the Massive Attack "Teardrop" video. you ever wondered why that baby seemed so real? cos it WAS real, fool, it was me.

at the party.

Phoebe Cates: how's it going?

Michael: fine. you leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. it forced me to realize i don't like girls with pixie cuts, it's too tomboyish for me. so thank you. can i ask one favor? can you pay for my drug rehab?

Michael: OOOOHHHHHH, NOW I GET IT. was this in the script? it's not openly outright stated but i think it's meant to imply that Kiefer was the one who broke Jamie and Amanda up, Kiefer had a fling with Amanda behind Jamie's back. am i right about this? either way, as a WRITER this is the best ending, that would have been an AWESOME ENDING!!!

Laertus: we used to do this, too. remember? when we first started dating? 

Eye Luggage: i remember, sweetpants.

Laertus: i met you at a rave in Berkeley. i was going through some stuff. THAT NEXT NIGHT i called you on the telephone and began unloading ALL my personal problems and demons on you like we had been confidantes for eleven years.

Eye Luggage: that's how i knew our relationship would last. we were strong from the start. we had a solid foundation from the start. we were old friends from the start.

Michael hey buddy, i don't have any money, can i have a loaf of bread for free?

vendor: fuhgeddaboutit.

Michael: fine be that way. but remember, i'm Jean Valjean.

vendor: who's that?

Roger Ebert: i didn't like this. i didn't like you in this.

Michael J. Fox: bro come on, we gotta be on the same page here, we're both invalids, we both have chronic conditions, we gotta stick together. it will always be a struggle for me, my life is a knifefight in a closet. Vicky Allagash and i are having another baby...

Roger Ebert: Coma Baby?

Michael J. Fox: why would anyone work for the New York Post? say what you will, we stuck the landing, the ENDING IS GOOD. great words to end it. it's true, you have to start over, you are forced to start over from scratch. one day whether you like it or not you will have to START OVER COMPLETELY FROM THE BEGINNING ALONE IN THE BIG CITY. g'night folks.

   

THRILLER IN THE CAR

 

Michael Jackson is driving his car. his car is a LONG black KITT-from-Knight Rider limousine shiny with gobs of turtle wax dripping off the 70-platinum rims. the front passenger seat is empty save for its leather and two giant speakers. in the backseat on the left is Paul McCartney. on the right is an old gaudy Victrola gold-tin-plated phonograph with a sorceress's needle spinning Michael Jackson's album Thriller. the music plays eternally in the backseat and filters out into the world through the open tinted limo windows. the two are driving along a very straight very narrow treeline avenue with orange red and yellow leaves buffeting either side. the limo can only drive along this autumn corridor.

the two men are smiling jovially as they gaggle without looking at each other.

Michael Jackson: "The Girl Is Mine," that was a great track to record with you, Sir Paul. i enjoy laughing with you. your laugh is weirder than mine.

Paul McCartney: did you like my ad-libbing at the end? when i go off-script and start doing my patented half-saying/half-singing thing. 

Michael: you know that fun patter between the two of us at the end of that song, that was revolutionary for its time. never been done before. this duet will bring about racial equality in the world.

Paul: you really think one song has all that power, Mike?

Michael: yeah man. racial harmony, think about it. i'm bigger than even you. i'm bigger than Jesus right now as it is 1982.

Paul: on that count i have to begrudgingly agree.

Michael: oh and by the way, in that song i wasn't calling all girls dogs...

Paul looks over the Thriller dustjacket and inhales all of its dust.

Paul: i gotta admit, Mike, this longplay record is a masterpiece. i mean these cuts are LEGENDARY. "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," that gets my blood pumping in the morning when i do my morning yoga. the Hindu yoga, the real stuff, not the Hollywood yoga.

Michael: me, too. i scream in the morning.

Paul: Michael, there is no way YOU exercise. i mean look at you. 

Vanilla Ice: omg this was the first mention of the word "tenderoni" in any meaningful way in art. you've inspired me ever since, Sir Mike.

Michael: call me Sir Jack. Vanilla Ice? that's a goofy name.

Paul: are you kidding me with this B-Side? i mean this is simply THE GREATEST B-SIDE OF ALL TIME. three in a row, you go from "Beat It," to "Billie Jean" to "Human Nature"? i mean COME ON!!! 

Michael: it's so funny when the album wasn't out yet and all the reporters had to go on for this secret project of mine was "The Girl Is Mine," everyone thought Thriller would be a flop cos they thought our song was corny as fuck. they thought the whole album was some penny-farthing Vaudeville show act. little did they known the immensity and enormity and deep feeling of the sonorous songs that awaited them...

Paul: what's up with that one Rolling Stone reviewer? everyone else in the world gave you 5 stars and an A, except one who gave you 4 stars. Thriller 4 out of 5 stars, are you fucking taking the piss? Rolling Stone are fartnuggets.

Paul: where are we going? where are you taking me? where are you kidnapping me to?

Michael: oh i thought we'd just take a spin around the block. maybe hit an arcade. record and ride a mud track. Tiny Formula 1 is starting up there. at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle.

Paul: a castle you own? a castle you just recently purchased?...

Michael: go to a car wash on the way back, this thing is FILTHY. needs a scrub. i like to ride the car-wash conveyor belt just me without the car. and then we'd end our date on the roof of the limo smoking our candy cigarettes and shooting the breeze. for a nightcap, let's go to a monastery and turn all the holy water into gas.

Paul: i drank holy water once, yeah, with the Queen. i thought it tasted like piss. she thought it tasted like Dubonnet.

trussing needle: trusting needle.

Mardith: yeah i use these in my work, gotta trust that the needle won't go too far in when you're getting tied up. pain but more pleasure...

fat bloom: also known as aero chocolate, you know that chocolate with those bubbles inside?.........chocolate can't get rancid...

California Superbloom: ...

esquite: corn snack.........corn-niblets snack...

Walt Disney, Steven Spielberg, and George Lucas: the greatest movie premieres are in the last week in May...

empty net: when hockey players turn into pool players...

Edwina Currie at a corner circus seance: did the Warriors win? i was right about the eggs. i only eat colored eggs. at Easter.

Morris Traveller: the car for British mad scientists only...

Rachel Cargle: that's cellist, not jealous. i had too much radical joy for my partner...

Ernest Hemingway: ocean sunfish? i killed the first one in nature, i speared the fuck out of that deformed dinosaur wannabe, had it for tuna...

fropa: when Jen Carfagno wears that red dress...

Jen Carfagno: wanna see my fropa?...

Essex Mud Race: the only way is tough-muddering...

pump track: "Justify My Love" sung by Madonna in a BMX helmet...

Doyle Brunson at a green-felt poker table inside Sherman Oaks Magic Castle: see what happens when you stay quiet?...

Macaulay Culkin approaches the limo aggressive as he puts his hands on the frame so hard his fingerprints rub off onto the paint finish. Macaulay motions with his finger for Michael to lower the tinted window.

Michael: what up Mac?

Vanilla Ice: and cheese. Kraft dinner. beefaroni.

Macaulay: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. everyone thinks you're this glittery global icon but I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT, THE TRUTH WILL OUT. sometimes a painting's not a painting.

Paul: well that wasn't ominous or anything, mate.

Macaulay sticks his head inside the limo like a hungry hen.

Macaulay: who's the old man in the back? what's it say in graffiti on the back of your leather jacket?

Michael: ZESTY.

Macaulay: what are you wearing? what's that sparkly silver glove you're wearing on ONLY ONE HAND?

Michael: oh that's my driving glove.

Paul: at least wear two gloves, Mike mate, you'll slip off the wheel.

Macaulay: what's your pocket square?

Michael: that's not a pocket square, that's a slice of triangular pepperoni arcade pizza.

Macaulay: why do you have a tiny tiger on your knee?...

on the other side of the sidewalk is a bag lady from New Orleans. this bag lady forcefully points directly at Michael Jackson from across the mean street and gives a stern look past Michael's eyes.

bag woman: THIS MAN, Michael Jackson, nobody sees him, he will be GREATLY MISCHARACTERIZED throughout his life. they will gang up on him, it will cost him his life. it will cost him to want to sleep his life off. and the world will PAY for it. the world will be THE POORER for it.

Paul McCartney: hey Mike? step on it. step on the gas pedal and the brake pedal at the same time, let's get out of here. i can't take any more premonitions...