Eric Andre: THIS is why i work hard, THIS is why i push for a Season 6, so i'll get that ONE CHANCE to get naked with Emily R. can i just call you Emily R? i don't want to learn how to spell your last name.
Emily Ratajkowski: i'm not calling you Andre, okay? you're basically like a second-rate Pete Davidson.
Eric: i know, i accept that, all in all that's not a bad assessment.
Emily R: i warn you, Matthew Makowski is my cousin. i'm not gonna die if i appear on your show, right?
Raquel Welch: i haven't seen that Fantastic Voyage trailer in 100 years. i mean, come on!!! the head of the research team vouches for me to be on the team, fights for my spot, not cos i'm a girl, because i'm a CUTE girl. and what's with the boss on Bewitched with his bright white curled hairs all up his nose and up his butt?
Machine Gun Kelly: have you noticed all couples break up on Super Bowl Weekend?
Megan Fox: yeah, a couple should never watch the Super Bowl together and go to the Parties, it's too much stress, the excitement of the game cracks open the fissures in the relationship leading to the breakup with a public fight in the stands.
Insia Dahod: you're not like me. nobody's like me, i care about Winter Storm Nova SO MUCH, i'm the only one tracking it on my home radar. i care more than any other person alive on the surface of this planet, more than those rubbish Weather Channel reporters!!!
The White Stripes playing David Spade's grade-school prom.
White Stripes: as you see, the stage is filled with mounds and mounds of WHITE SMOKE after our set.
girl drummer: well it's more like grey smoke.
White Stripes: that's just what we do.
Lucio Rossi: you copied my patented invention for the Phone Button. you know, you push the RED BUTTON that's connected by a thin wire to your phone and a milky mist rises up and disinfects your hand, washes your body, cleans you, cleanses you. i have a phobia of catching germs from other people's hands touching my phone.
David Spade: me, too, in this movie.
me: hey Lucio, i'm loving the Spam Blocker you gave me i mean i bought from you, it's awesome. but can i get it in remote-control form so i don't have to leave my TV room which is my bedroom? it makes that cool whippit Ultimate Frisbee with a Wham-O toy frisbee sound every time i kill a call. but what should i do about THIS call?
Lucio: oooo that's a toughie, the readout says private caller from out of state. i mean what does that even mean?
E.Z. Taylor: the folk at Three's a Crowd never let me expand my horizons, never let me express my religion on the show. that's an '80s thing i guess, keep things private like Reagan did. well i am a PROUD BUDDHIST, that's right, i am a beach-bum Beach Buddha with the aquatic aphorisms and Buddhist life hacks and being a ladykiller.........not actually sacrificing ladies on top of a mountain in Maui or anything...
E.Z. Taylor with zinc on his nose: Tubi is my rabbit hole.
Doryce: when i do my jumping jacks i like to FACE the fence.
Gladyce: whyever for, dear? i keep my BACK to the fence so nobody sees me. or rather so I don't see anybody. i don't want to be spotted doing sketchy things in the morning, makes me seem like a stalker.
Doryce: i do it so the neighbors can sneak a peek. so i can stop traffic by exposing my tits in all their glory to the outside world.
netherfriends: me, i'm Dutch and i'm my own friend.
Tatemada: do NOT taste that horrible man.
Anthony Hopkins: green screen? acting to a green screen is pointless. in my day if we did a war epic i had to enlist in the British Army and fight in the real World War I!!!
The Outer Limits (1995 series): we had THE BEST CASTING DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME!!! we got EVERY SINGLE HOLLYWOOD STAR to do our show!!!
hob: what a hobbit eats off of.
hob: this is such an earthy hearthy Dickensian word.
Eye Luggage: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star and go.
David Spade: do i have to? call me Dave Spade from now on. hey, you may hate me but you gotta admit i look DASHING in my Humphrey Bogart fedora. fetching is the word. this was meant to be an SNL skit, perhaps it should have stayed that way. the critics hated it but they DID ALL AGREE that the best part was the end, that ending REDEEMS it, the singalong telethon Africa '80 "We Are The World" song with all your favorite REAL burnout faded-away child celebrities, which are not the same as celebrity children. you know, all the stars you used as a kid to squeeze feeling from then forgot about them, left them out on the street to die, spit on them as you asked for their autograph. i know i made a living making fun of the world but i don't care about the world anymore, leave me alone, my sister died.
Doris Roberts: Dickie Roberts, see?, that's where the last name came from. you just realized this NOW.
Mary McCormack: my tits are real. though strangely i've never done an actual sex scene. i'm a good actress, i make you feel emotion when you look at my face, i did The West Wing, i'm too classy for that porn stuff.
Jon Lovitz: you've never loved me more than here, i've never been as huggable as i am here, for the first time in your life you can imagine me as a father. a warm caring dad who's not cold and cynical and ironic but still debonair as i always am.
Craig Bierko: i'm a hot hunk but i also got the serial-killer goatee thing going.
Alyssa Milano: yeah see that's the thing, i just can't play evil. you know? i can't play the bad girl, nobody will ever believe that i'm this mean. wasn't i the nice witch on Charmed? i radiate sweetness and light more than i do sexiness.
Morrissey: see i was right, the queen is dead.
Jenna Boyd: so i started shooting long rifles in my backyard when i turned 13, so what? i'm from Texas.
Hal Sparks: i'm the first Hollywood agent to transition into actor...
Fred Wolf: without me there are no cartoons...
Rachel Dratch: on the other hand you CAN imagine me being mean, even though i like to laugh at Disney World. laugh nicely.
Retta: i'm not the bailiff from the Night Court revival...
Ambyr Childers: i'm not an alien despite my Neverending Story eyes.
Michael McDonald: i valeted in real life, i parked cars before MADtv. now i park cars again in Reseda, i'm receding...
Jann Carl: remember when Entertainment Tonight was still a news organization?...
David Soul: ironically, Hutch was the star, not Starsky.
Emmanuel Lewis: hey say what you will, i'm still alive. Gary Coleman is in that high-rise apartment in the sky. i'm a wordsmith, i've read the entire Webster's Dictionary. i'm a Freemason and i'm short for no reason. and at least i'm not that godawful excuse for a human being, the guttertrash known as Ricky Schroder.
Adam Rich: be honest, the ONLY reason you watched this was to see how I would look like after all these years. as you can see i'm a hunk with a goatee.
Laertus's dad: i admit it, it was all about Adam Rich and his flyers.
Nucking Futs: a spoonerism, you learn this at school.
Dickie Roberts: i park cars but Morton's Steakhouse is a cultural institution, an iconography, the landscape of the Americas. raw thin steak that tastes like tire rubber but Morton Downey Jr. used to eat it with his teeth.
Alyssa Milano: hot girls just need one word in their arsenal: "handsome."
at the card table:
Leif Garrett: i should have portrayed Leif Ericson with a big bowl of giant spaghetti and one tiny tiny tiny meatball on top.
Dustin Diamond: can you believe Screech died? i shoulda died ON the sex tape having sex then i woulda been a legend.
Danny Bonaduce: ginger beards are dope. you know who i feel sorry for? the kid who had to be the son of Jeffrey Tambor on The Ropers...
Corey Feldman: never take anything from Michael Jackson, especially advice.
Barry Williams: my dad was a pussy, a pissy pussy. my Brady Bunch dad that is.
Mr. Blake's Backyard: let's get this out of the way now, this is a GOOD STORY!!! it's a good script, right? it's a powerful inspirational episode of Joan of Arcadia. it's what Michael Landon would have done if he were still here. why wasn't this made for real? everything you need is in your own backyard, search no further, it's got that E.T. magic.
Rob Reiner: what's with the gloves?
Dickie: covid.
Rob: but have you had a REAL CHILDHOOD? like, do you know what Christmas Morning is? what did you get for Christmas when you were a kid? a red bike? a BB gun?
Dickie: a movie studio.
Rob: remember, family is what matters, not fame and fortune. well unless your family is Archie Bunker.
Spade: i had to have a quick wit and smart mouth to get past these musclebound jock creeps or i woulda gotten smushed into oblivion by now. when is a joyride an emergency?
Dickie: loved you in True Lies. that's all we do on the streets here, we talk about the best lines of dialogue. True Lies, that's a stupid title for a movie. did you sneak a peek at Jamie Lee Curtis's tits?
Tom Arnold: they're real. i go to AA Meetings to pick up my future wife, she's in this group somewhere, all the women here are addicted vulnerable sex freaks.
Brendan Fraser: remember Lamaze class? that just sorta died out in the '90s...
Johnathan: ...and it got replaced with Instagram yoga babes.
Brendan Fraser: SEE? SEE?!!! EVEN HERE EVEN NOW!!! it's 2004 and i'm ALREADY doing the Fraser/Frasier/Frazier thing!!!
Spade: i tried to fill the script with actual parts of tenderness and human empathy. do they work? can a cynical comedian such as myself pull that off, get away with that? i want to bang your mom, i mean i want to bang MY mom.
Dickie: can you put a Slip N Slide in a treehouse? Transformers robot toys were supposed to be Satanic, right? they were unnatural in any case. treehouses are where every kid experiences their first rave. you'll never impress that hot-girl neighbor you got a crush on, Sam, she's got those French magic-princess eyes.
Dirg: the Ashley Edner pep-squad audition tryout dance.........we cannot talk about that anymore ever again in 2023...
Jenna Boyd: milk milk lemonade...i mean that was MY chant i did, i made that chant up!!! i learned it on the playground streets of St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino, California. word of mouth by the Push-Up pushers. Push-Up ice cream.
Alyssa Milano on the bed: i got my naked foot on your chest. my foot is LITERALLY BIGGER than your entire chest.
Spade: hmmm, let me see here, i'm talking as real-life David Spade now, i have the opportunity to fuck Alyssa Milano and i turn it down?!!!...
Dirg: yokels? this family is a bunch of yokels with family values? this is ridiculous, Hollywood is the place of elite no-values debauchery and everywhere else in the Greater Los Angeles Suburban Area is supposed to be Missouri? the country is more than the state of California!!!
Jon Lovitz: so THAT's why i was so cynical all the time. i donated a kidney and all that BILE swimming around left my body.
David Spade: yes this is HOLLYWOOD, folks. i guess i'm Sam Spade. this is the impossible happy ending, i would NEVER move in with Mary McCormack's family, they would treat me as an unruly transient, a shaggy-haired bum who hadn't worked at SNL in years. i would NEVER marry Mary McCormack, our chemistry is too good so it's destined to fail. look at our body types, the sex would SMUSH ME TO DEATH. Snu-Snu is for the STRONG.
Relief album:
Florence Henderson: who was the best TV Mom?
Marion Ross: your husband was gay.
Willie Aames: Charles's last name? Benedict. as in Benedict Arnold, traitor to his country...
Todd Bridges: hey Gary, let's go visit Dana Plato at The Apartment, she's still alive up there...
Jeff Conaway: my last name sounds like an airline.
Jeremy Miller: the Rapture forgot that i died. i'm not the dude from Neverending Story 2.
Erin Moran: why didn't ANYBODY help me?!!! i wasn't a smoker, okay?, so fuck you.
Ron Palillo: if it wasn't for my death, the world wouldn't have known about the Amy Robach-T.J. Holmes affair...
Butch Patrick: i do NOT look ANYTHING like when i was younger. i do NOT look like Eddie Munster AT ALL.
Charlene Tilton: you want Animal Fries? get the fuck outta here.
Spade: bullies just need a good tongue lashing. and the movie ends ever so gracefully.........with a fart.
David Spade: I CAN BE A LEADING MAN IN HOLLYWOOD!!! this is a thing that can be seen!!! it's not strange, leading men can be SHORT. g'night folks.
i'm at the Chemistry Lab of the grade-school David Spade attended in Dickie Roberts. in the Lancaster crescent. i see Jen R there and i RUSH to hug her in chem lab.
Jen R: careful, you're squeezing the life out of me.
me: you did that to me when you left.
Jen R: you're hugging me so hard soon all the pink threads on my vintage antique grandma sweater will fray and fall off.
me: wanna watch Tubi together?
Jen R: sure, that is my favorite rabbit hole.
me: MAN THIS SUCKS. mounds and MOUNDS of guilt upon my shoulders. a woman i'm texting with showed me she is a caring person, she showed herself to be a caring woman.
Jen R: and you can't handle that? cos you can't handle real emotion? cos you're just in it for the sex?
me: the very big tits i wanted to suck all these years turn out to be the very source of her cancer. a bodacious body-part bat out of hell.
Jen R: how do you think SHE FEELS?!!! she will ALWAYS have it worse than you!!! stop being so selfish about spurned lovers!!! she's going through this time now, RIGHT NOW, not in the past, be there for her. she's doin' it the Jamie Raskin Way on chemo.
me: that's why i keep you around.
the both of us sneer at each other with our glazed-over smirky eyes.
me: your advice actually IS priceless. why can't life be easy? why can't life be like a cartoon? that's why i LOVED cartoons, still LOVE them now, it's a place i can go to be a kid again. a cartoon in 2023 is interested in building sandcastles at the beach, not the start of World War III or wokeness. remember when all you were interested in was building sandcastles on the beach?
Jen R: my kid made me a kid. i'm rewatching all the old videos. on VHS. you just don't want to get a job and have to nurse a paycheck.
me hugging Jen R in the pink grandma sweater again in the chem lab: you and me have a shorthand, we communicate telepathically, subconsciously. we know what the other will say before it is said, we traffic in the same circles of band thought. we're two comic-book graphic-novel gustavos going for the gusto. drug dioramas. we finish each other's sentences silently. whatever shit i'm going through that day, whatever mean people i have to sighly contend with and school i will take ALL PEOPLE as long as i know a conversation with you at 6:30 comes later. you make everything better, you make life better, you make getting out of bed easier. chemistry is not TAUGHT, chemistry is not LEARNED, it's not something you can GLEAN or EARN or work up to, not something you can goal toward, you can't FAKE it. you just GOT IT INSIDE. and WE had it inside. where am i gonna meet another Jen R? you can't find that level of grace again!!! we read the other's mind in the most beautiful way possible. in the most non-sci-fi-dystopia way possible. all those people whose marriages dissolve on the wedding altar just lackadaisically comment that
oh well, i guess i'll meet someone new next year. maybe THAT person will be better. maybe THAT person will be a good person. a good person for me. maybe THAT person will read my mind and stay.
me: oh how i envy them, i've NEVER felt such hope.
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