CRANSTON CASTLE. BRYAN CRANSTON.

 

notes:

* there are two-headed housefly alien agents doubling as Medieval washer women infiltrating Heidelberg Castle, let them through, humans did not do a good job with this area in the 20th century, let other being species take it. only time travel can fix our problems.

* at the Six Toed Cat in Key West.

Greykid Mlem and Blep: we will only eat the Key lime pie if it has rum.

* Gladyce: in order to be courteous i remove my pointy belled shoes when i do jumping jacks even when the cobblestone is wet out. my damp striped socks collect all the little seeds on the heel i scrape off and use on my English muffin later in the morning...

* comfort character: spaghetti and meatballs in human form. like when you turn into the Pillsbury Doughboy for real not to go to war in the Navy.

* anxiety buddy: better than a thunder shirt.

* climax community: it's not what you think. HOLD YOU HORSES, DORYCE!!! we are at the Treehouse...

* Steady State: good name for a band

* Your Anxiety Buddy: Ernest Weatherly Greene Jr. of Washed Out in a Harley Quinn mask...

* Robin Hood: is there anything more depressing than a crypto mine in the middle of a forest?

* Costco Seasoning: it's just salt. Cock Seasoning? really?

* fat bike: bicycles for athletes. fitted with Pink Floyd tires.

Lance Lear Armstrong: i'm not fat. i'm just gone.

* Gladyce: dear?

Doryce: yes?

Gladyce: when you're doing your pull-ups on the branch of the Treehouse, make sure you know pull-ups only work when you hear all of your old joint bones crack in unison.

* Gladyce: dear?

Doryce: yes?

Gladyce: don't apply for every credit card that is mailed to you!!!

Doryce: i know. but it's so tempting when you see that envelope window and that beautiful shiny plastic credit card with the hologram horse staring at you through the envelope window, THAT'S FREE MONEY!!!  

Gladyce: yes. also when they straight-up put a dollar bill in the envelope window...

Mardith's tit tassels: ...

* Wendy's: Fryday Erryday. everyday for fries, french fries.

Wendy's employees: if everyday is Friday we don't have to work cos we have Fridays off.

* at the Liberty Mutual Car Wash.

dude with officer mustache: hey man, when you drive into a car wash, pump the gas to 100mph or the drops of water won't land on your paintjob.

dude: it is not recommended to ride the car wash without a car, even tho that's what every kid wants to do when they were a kid because it was fun. those giant toilet-bowl-cleaner brushes could kill you and fill you full of frothy soap.  

emu: i can saunter through the car wash in my emu gait cos my feathers are made of ironclad steel and my beak's pure pewter.

* NFL: remember, with our partners and Amazon Web Services we can calculate for you all the numbers, crunch all the math, provide you all the stats and statistics you need to calculate the spiral trajectory of that forward pass into the endzone, while you calculate the big number of money you lost cos you have a gambling problem. addicts come in all sizes and shapes, we are addicted to wine.

* Ben Barnes: sorry for interrupting your American sports game. handegg, right? look at my sheeny hair. why am i doing this? i know nothing about American phones. i only use a telephone when i'm on a stage but that's a prop theatre phone. i'm British so i'm already charming, you don't need to say the word charming, it's implied. i guarantee that pocket squares are useless. 

* Hyundai Ioniq

truck driver: i pull on the rope to honk my truck horn and SILENCE.

little girl in car opposite: maybe you're deaf, mister.

truck driver: no i hear the truck horn blaring, but it's coming from inside my mouth.

Rod Serling: you, sir, are in The Twilight Zone. your truck is on the road to nowhere...

* Leon the Lizard

man: i killed Leon. sorry, dad.

dad: you numbnuts. lizards freeze their entire bodies into ice cubes to keep warm, don't you know that? get a haircut, son, you look like Welcome Back Kotter Gallagher.

man: i ate Leon cos i thought he was a popsicle.

* iPhone Action Mode

son: mom, you're gonna record my footrace? do you need a dolly?

mom: no, i'm gonna run at your side filming from the sidelines. GET OUTTA MY WAY, MUD PUDDLES AND PEOPLE!!!

son: all the other runners used a dolly to cheat.

mom: welcome to life, son. there's no video evidence cos the picture's all shaky.

* Accenture Robot Dog

robo-dog: DON'T PUT A CYBERBRAIN IN ME!!! keep the implantation of that plan to yourself. a dog can't have a soul unless he has a body...

CLICK HERE FOR THE BEST WEEK IN FOOTBALL

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: can you get Carl's Jr. through Walmart? Hardee's then.

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL: THE EYES HAVE IT

 

Night Court (2023): this show is non-anime Tenchi Muyo GXP, it's comfort food before bed.

Richard Moll: why didn't i reprise my role as Bull the Bailiff? i was hit with the Dragon's curse. also, i'm too tall to act. also, i'm waiting on a role as a very special boxer in the Mike Tyson's Punch Out movie...

Marsha Warfield: see the thing of it is i mean i was never contacted AT ALL about this. same old, same old, everyday i walk out my door i'm at war with society, it never ends.

Markie Post: in general eschatological terms, how does one explain cancer?

Harry Anderson: there's magic in Heaven.

Charles Robinson: obviously i play Little Mac's trainer in the movie...

John Larroquette: Dan Fielding for the defense...

Cotard: um, BEARD GOALS, MAN.

Dan Fielding: enough about all the lonely meat in my fridge, if you're gonna use the term correctly use the proper '80s term for it: Steak-umms.

Betty White: why is EVERY ORGANIZATION in Miami, Florida?...

Harold T. Stone's blonde judge daughter: is it just me or is our prosecutor too skinny. i'm worried about her, Hollywood pressure sucks. btw my marriage is rock solid and this isn't a Reese Witherspoon thing, i'm actually smart, i aced law school in 3rd grade, i was on that Big Bang show for fuck sake!!!

Knock at the Cabin: the title of this film really needed to have the word Apocalypse in it...

Janine Turner: i'm not related to Ted Turner.........but we're ALL KINDA RELATED to Ted Turner.

Greta Thunberg: see when i get arrested and detained, it's for a good cause. when Andrew Tate gets arrested and detained, you don't want to know what it's for...

HomePod in the Crespi Library: the Apple fireplace. the hygge home-economics hearth. also a bundle of glowing yarn you can knit.

Eye Luggage: Alita: Battle Angel and go.

Alita: this is not Ghost in the Shell...

James Cameron: the most interesting thing about this movie is not the NAMING CONTROVERSY, that was stupid, copyright is too complicated, just name the thing Atila and be done with it. nor the advance in computer technology. no not the tech in this 2563 world, i mean the tech used to MAKE this world in 2019. it's my blood oath with Robert Rodriguez. we SWORE to each other like Chicano brothers that would make Alita 2. don't worry it's happening, it will be made, i just have to secure a few coins from my Avatar ambitions.

Robert Rodriguez: we filmed the blood oath, too. there's me in a scene with my cowboy hat on cutting James Cameron's hand with a big-ass Texan knife like a huge butcher cleaver and the blood everywhere and we shake red palms. and then we suck each other's thumb like the wings of an osprey.

Mark Borchardt: it's not a Rambo knife but it was cool.

Ichigo: it's not a Bleach blade but it was cool.

James Cameron: RITCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laertus: i'm gonna come right out and go ahead and address the elephant in the room: the e-elephant: THOSE BIG-ASS ANIME EYES!!!

Eye: those things are monsters, they make the eyes go from cute to kawaii.

Laertus: those eyes are a CHOICE, and i'm here to say THE EYES WORK. they do, they really do, they just...do. they bring such vibrancy to an otherwise standard main character. they bring the live-action ALIVE. i don't know whose first idea this was to do the eyes like this but it's a stroke of BRIGHT GENIUS. a brilliant masterstroke. from now on all anime adaptations into the real world MUST HAVE THESE EYES. Dragonball wouldn't have tanked if Emmy Rossum had had THESE EYES.

Dirg: i don't know who needs to hear this, i don't know if i'm allowed to say this, but, Alita is hot. i have dreams about her.

Alita: do you find me attractive? do you find my creepy eyes and my creepy smile attractive? do you find that my body is unnatural and jarring? do you get uncomfortable every time i move my face?

Tilly Lockey wearing a locket on TV: i wasn't exactly exploited by the Alita crew.........with my pair of custom-made bionic Hero Arms.........but the whole promotion was a bit scuzzy. people are people, you know? people are not merely tools to sell product and make boatloads of money.

Rosa Salazar: watch out, Jeopardy, we Canadian babes are coming for you.

Christoph Waltz: i sell vacuums.

Melissa Maker: ... for both of those.

Christoph Waltz: i have the perfect voice to narrate documentary dialogue.

Christoph Waltz: dancingly on the tongue...

Jennifer Connelly: the mark on my forehead indicates i'm not a virgin, you can't tell just from looking at me.

Mahershala Ali: i'm Blade. plain and simple. don't mess with me, well, one iteration of me.

Keean Johnson: i coulda SWORE i was on The Torkelsons on Disney Channel...

Ed Skrein: why do i look like Casper Van Dien's wayward son? i look like the only skate punk in the history of time who wasn't cool.

Michelle Rodriguez: i'm so cool i can chew gum at Cannes and everyone thinks it's cool.

Paul Newman: especially me.

Dr. Ido at the scrapyard: i was hoping to find WALL-E but whatever i'll take this girl.

Alita: do i have a cyberbrain? nevermind don't answer that. why is your hand all cut up? where do you go at night? are you a Jack The Ripper-style killer in this cyberpunkscape?

Ido: yes i am a killer. of bad guys. only if you have a cyberbrain can you comprehend the complexity of my job title and description. let's stick with something simpler: do you like oranges?

Alita: no i like CHOCOLATE!!! i'm a GIRL for fuck sake!!!

Ido: sorry, new to this girl-dad thing.

Alita: why am i alive? why did you create me? why did you make me? who am i?

Ido: this is gonna sound depraved but you're in the body of my dead daughter.

Alita: aw i think that's sweet, people grieve in different ways.

Ido: you never stood a chance.

Alita: cos i i mean your daughter was in a wheelchair. i'll avenge her when i get wheels on my Motorball feet.

Alita: why do you keep bumping into me, lady?!!! that's rude!!! what's your problem?!!!

Dr. Chiren: quit chirping, bird. i'm Female Darth Vader, watch for my reverse heel-turn. and i'm your mom.

Alita: oh so you're MY problem.

at the high-rise loft balcony Meta apartment. in bed.

Chiren: they didn't show our sex scene. and I STILL GOT MORE ACTION than when i was with Tom Cruise in Top Gun: Maverick!!!

Vector: that was nice. can i roleplay as someone other than Blade next time?

Zalem: Salem?

Alita: i'm not elite i live in the gutter. down below. how does that rich sky city stay up there in the sky floating without crashing down to Earth? literally. gravity? antigravity? water?

Hugo: it uses natural gas. kinda like how Heaven stays up in the sky.

Alita: you're lucky i like my boys beefcake, i can't do skinny like me.

Hugo: do you like my motorcycle?

Alita: yeah i like bad boys.

Hugo: no i mean my motorcycle goes straight up, it's completely VERTICAL.

Hugo: do you like anti-grav? Motorball is looking for new recruits to replace Tom Brady. the only way to get out of the projects is to become a professional athlete. or a rapper like Dua Lipa.

Alita: i mean did Rollerball come before the manga or what? my dad saw that movie. my dad wearing an orange headband beat up James Caan AND Bruce Lee in a 1970s parking lot after the movie.

Hugo: Skate or Die the video game came out in 1960...

Shia LaBeouf: omg this is so weird i know exactly what's going to happen i don't need to see the movie, it's FOLLOWING THE MANGA to the letter to a T.

Monsignor Navin: i know, right? same. imma fortuneteller. i can predict the future. i'm a black-arts seer. well the first half of the movie anyway, the first two episodes of anime, none of the Motorball stuff later.

Panzer-Kunst: back when MMA was cool. MMA used to have flags, no contact.

Alita: don't lose your head or i'll lose mine. just tryna keep things light.

Hunter-Warrior bound by the Factory, bound to make Willy Wonka's candy under his legs.

Alita: as long as there's chocolate.

Ido: why do you want to work? just become a hikikomori. here, just stay by this vending machine and get yourself a can of Coke, take my last quarter.

Alita's foraging hiker group: where are we?

Alita: it's a swamp. it used to be Disneyland. here is where the Millennium Falcon rests. the Berserker had shock troops cos it was shocking just how much violence is in the Berserk anime.

that one friend: so you used to be Martian?

Alita: that's racist, man.

Rubikon: him of all people shoulda understood.

at the KANSAS BAR.

Kitschensyngk from the animesuperhero boards: no no no this will not do, like My Hero Academia you need a Smash that is either Brooklyn or L.A. or San Francisco or Portland or Austin so you know it'll work. i'm the only one left in Kansas who has refined diction, an expansive vocabulary i ease into, a breezy grad-college-level awareness of politics, and an expert knowledge of anime like i have an expert handle on mathematics. i'm smart but nice. i'm kind but clever with the wordplay. i'm cunning but not a cunt. i'm the coolest man you will never meet.

Zapan: so like i'm Japan but cooler?

Alita: there's nothing cooler than Japan.

Zapan: all i care about is my hair.

Alita: here, use this oil.

Greykid Mlem and Blep: that Toto dog better fucking be okay.

Grewishka: don't blame me, i'm CyberHulk with a bad cyberbrain and a bad perm. this society is not letting me live as a Two-spirit.

Greykid: don't you dare imitate my cat whiskers!!!

Alita: imagine Sally Field with my eyes.

Ido: i came too late. what will become of a city when all the bars are destroyed? i came on time, here, Alita, next time use my pool-cleaning stick.

McTeague: people who hate dogs are worse than scum.

Kakashi: ...

at the kiss.

Hugo: i didn't tell you cos i was TERRIFIED you'd learn my secret. i sell illegal body parts on the open market.

Alita: it's okay Hugo i still love you. it's the open market not the black market. Heaven is a nice goal but it's expensive, you had to do it for money. well, for scratch. we robots can be pieced, peaced, and put back together again, a human such as yourself however would be crushed to death under one night of sex with me. can a robot love a human?

Hugo: yes but a human can't love a Quincy. only a Soul Reaper can.

Alita: i forgive you.

Hugo: you are the most human person i know around here.

Alita: i don't want to be human, human ain't all it's cracked up to be, i just want to be me. in the manga i fumblingly search for a dirty motel so we can fuck.

Alita: you have my heart, LITERALLY.

Hugo: please put your metal heart back in your chest. girl, sex with you is gonna be FREAKY.

Alita: iron's like gold here, right? what's the prize money for winning the Motorball Super Bowl?

Hugo: Motorball will be televised on The CW.

Motorball announcer: OOOOOH THAT'S GOTTA HURT!!! you were waiting for that, huh?

Zapan: Damascus steel, nothing stronger on Earth. or the galaxy. 

Alita: not harder than my head. that's an illegal weapon, i'm turning you in.

Zapan: good, i never wanted to be a Hunter-Warrior anyway, i look like a Terminator who was never fed milk.

Chiren: i saved your boyfriend, can i be your mom now?

Alita: only if you protect him from me. i'm a bad influence.

Chiren: can i sleep with him?

Alita: is that how it works with all mother-daughter relationships? does it always end up with the father gone after the divorce and the mother and daughter fighting over the daughter's boyfriend?

Alita: i'm crashing the glass like The Major, that's the only similarity.

Vector: your mom had good-looking organs. she was very cheerful.

Alita: you sick son of a bitch!!!

Vector: it's not me!!! i'm being controlled!!! i'm a gentle man, an Academy Award-winning actor!!! i read quietly, i studied Shakespeare on the banks of the Mississippi River!!!

Nova: FEAR ME!!! even though i only appear in the last two minutes of this movie!!! i'm still scary, i still retain my Fight Club cachet. i exude sequel. joke's on you, Zalem is just a GIANT VACUUM CLEANER!!! now die BY MY SPIKY GIANT WASHERS!!!

Shia: oh god, here comes the scene where Hugo dies, in the anime i sobbed like a baby for one week after watching this. it was so depressing, i felt so bad for Alita, you will never get over the rest of your life losing your first and only love.

Navin: two weeks crying for me. over Coke and lime, no rum. i stuffed myself with bread and Communion wafers.

Hugo hanging off a cliff: thank you for loving me. ALL OF ME, even tho now i'm just a torso.

Alita hanging off a cliff: my anime eyes are crying enough tears for three people.

Dua Lipa: wait the set for my music video is more expensive than the budget for this movie, that's never good. g'night folks.

Alita: war sucks. war on the moon is stupid, we should be living there. use plasma for egg-drop challenges not swords. one thing war did give me tho is that it prepared me to be a professional parkourist. g'night folks.

Robert Rodriguez: you will remember Alita 10 years from now. people have already forgotten Star Wars. g'night folks. 

James Cameron: my next movie is a documentary on Amish life on a farm. g'night folks.

  

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: THAT FUCKING EGG-DROP CHALLENGE SCIENCE-EXPERIMENT THING

Avo Babian: Egg Drop Challenge.

me: what the hell is that?

Mr. Diamond: i'm just the Spanish teacher but you have to drop an egg from a 20-story brick building and the egg can't crack and splatter gooey yellow yolk all over a manhole cover dripping into the street sewer.

me: when's it due?

Michaela From Safeway: tomorrow.

me: tomorrow tomorrow? like the Bake Sale?

Michaela From Safeway: don't worry about baked goods, i'll take care of any baked goods, Safeway has a PIMP BAKERY.

me: what the fuck are we gonna do so we don't get an F? i'm trying to visualize it now in my head and i got bupkus. i'm gonna wrap one printer-paper around the egg and drop it just to see. maybe it won't break?

Michaela From Safeway: don't worry about any kind of paper, Safeway's got you covered: towel, moisturized, toilet...

Avo: speaking of, brown toilet-paper rolls, drop the egg and it lands square on top of the roll totem pole.

Bartolomeo Twins AND Najera Twins: use a white-and-red Chinese-food oyster-pail box as the basket? that has to work all around the world.

Mr. Diamond: dunk the egg in a glass vat of red barber-comb water. i know about cutting hair.

me: i'm stumped and scared. i'm nervous and nebbish. i'm peeing my pants right now.

Mr. Diamond: pee in the sewer.

Jim Cantore: if i'm visiting your hometown, that is NOT a good thing. a highway island is not a tourist attraction, it's not Highway Island. if Tina your newly-elected Monterey Mayor Mama is on CNN, that is NOT a good thing. Swollen Creek Cheek was my band in college.

FedEx: you never see our minivans, all you see is your package in a box magically appearing on your doorstep in the middle of the night.

dumping smoke: i don't want to live at that truck stop.

Geno Smith: NEVER give up...

Moose Johnston: i want to be known from this point on forevermore as Wishbone Johnston...

Rick Rubin: admit it, you want to be MY kind of monk with the long flowing beard, not a monk trapped in a monastery. 

Codrus and Cotard: yes.

the Joker: you can't really do practical-joke hidden-camera prank TV shows anymore. nobody, no human on Earth, is feeling pranks anymore, covid made the planet permanently serious.

booty pin: 1980s Depends

Lucio Rossi: i always admired the beautiful friendship between the two men on The Mighty Boosh. the mustachioed captain of industry, the gentleman with the cabana straw hat, Howard Moon, and the dude with the spiky raven punk hair who always wore a silvery shiny sleek one-piece bodysuit, Vince Noir.

Julian Barratt: even the name reeks of grandeur: Howard Moon.

Noel Fielding: i am Dan Fielding's father with the mangina.

Lucio: i CRAVE this friendship, i've been searching for it my whole life. my entire life of egg excess has led nowhere, life isn't worth it if you don't have a companion, it doesn't need to be a woman, it could be a lifelong traveling partner. you know, that guy to do anything and everything crazy with, he's up for anything inane and insane cos it's fun. life's meant to be SHARED, it's meant to be DONE JOINT. these two men are total outcasts from society so they must always rely on one another, they feed into each other's quirks, they are the other's only soft place to land in a cruel world with a moon that talks. he works at a curiosity shop that sells board games for criminy Cyril Christ sake. the other dude is always dressed as if glam-band auditions are tonight. they do stage shows at greasy nightclubs and ride elevators in their heads. they use their joint imaginations to ward off the mockery and derision and depression of the cold creativeless world.

Monsignor Navin: they drop acid at a zoo.

Shia LaBeouf: yeah what was that first season? that was weird. they were at some ZOO or something? with alien animals?

Lucio: the two men can come to each other ONLY EACH OTHER to discuss their failures with women, their missing board pieces, their game-theory strategies, and their strange love of cheese. they have each other's back AT ALL TIMES twenty years after cancellation whether that back is shirted with a Hawaiian shirt or a shirt with silver sparkles.

Bruce Willis: Moonlighting "The Dream Sequence Always Rings Twice," regarded by TV GUIDE as one of the greatest hours of television of all time ever. hi, i can talk again.

Cybill Shepherd: why is it that no one notices a WOMAN'S BODY until it's smashed into a tight silvery shiny sleek lounge-singer wine dress and LONG microphone.

Orson Welles: do you realize this was THE VERY LAST THING I EVER DID. this episode intro here, i delivered my final monologue with a twinkle in my eye, a puff in my cigar, and my Burl Ives rosy cheeks. that was the last time the world ever saw my great girth and grandeur again. oh this starred well cos it was in black-and-white obviously.

Al Jarreau: the Moonlighting theme song i sing here that i composed bestows upon the listener that special kind of morose unrelenting dark nostalgia that kills you inside cell by cell, turning your cells dank. you can't explain it, it's that nostalgia that you can ever get back, can never grab again, it's HIRAETH Homesickness, that Welsh welling up with neverending terrific terrible tears.

Ally McBeal: thank you Moonlighting for being the first dramedy. without you there's no me. tho i can never figure out the math of how many jokes to how many serious-drama bits, what's the golden ratio?

Cybill: all men are butlers, that's not sexist.

Bruce: don't you love those old stage theaters in downtown Los Angeles where the spotlight is one unlampshaded lightbulb? it was weird cos the two of us were supposed to be moonlighting as a pair of heartbreak detectives ferreting out affairs. but really we were MOONLIGHTING AS ACTORS cos we play different parts each episode, different roles, different characters in different one-week plays, it was like Quantum Leap without the sci-fi. and since when is a clarinet capable of being a murder weapon?...

Boc: well okay not all exercise is useless but it must be useful towards something big. like for instance if i happen to take a walk to an Aztec pyramid in Mexico short walk from L.A., cos i heard it contains something that glitters.

Boc arrives at the steps of the pyramid to find Shakira in a T-shirt with Drake working at McDonald's on the front Drake sipping Bizarrap purple drank.

Shakira: climb to the top step with me.

Boc: what if i don't wanna.

Shakira: there are 53 steps. women don't cry anymore, they cash in. there is gold bars in them thar hills under these Aztec stone stairs. always pour your revenge into an anthem rather than into attributable antagonistic action. why are you here?

Boc: my favorite hot sauce is Ortega, in that glass hot-water-bottle-shaped bottle with the Joy Division triangle-row markings at the lip, that's why i'm wearing this Charlie Brown shirt as you can see here. i heard they make Ortega in Mexico inside this triangle cube.

Shakira: this pyramid has great acoustics.

Boc: oh i also like Twix.

Shakira: that's Twingo.

Takahashi: Twingos are good cars. they break down a lot so Vivica A. Fox can help you change your oil.

Optimus Prime: i wish to CyberGod they would FINALLY make a Twingo Transformer!!!

Michaela From Safeway: let's all go to Lucio's. Lucio will save us, he always has in the past.

me: this is a true statement.

Avo: yes. that's why i wear my hair like Lucio's.

Michaela From Safeway: let's take my bicycle, we can all get on and ride my bike.

Dirg: language.

Trix Rabbit: i've hopped on Michaela's bike. in the cereal aisle.

Michaela From Safeway: my bike runs on puddle water. the tires soak up the rain.

they ride up the steep incline winding road driveway and reach the damp mansion in the hills.

Ronald McDonald wearing a George Harrison ALL THINGS MUST PASS T-shirt: sensational spelling.

Michaela From Safeway: i'll make us guys something to eat, what do you guys want? only i can work Lucio's complicated iron-griddle egg machine. do you know the trick to making the best most perfect omelette? use ONE EGG.

there, lying in the lilting bed nestled softly on the puffy white grand blanket of Lucio's master bed, is the king-size completed Egg Drop Challenge project, it's a VERY LARGE ORB made of 357 plastic straws strewn together in a continuous round lattice of hexagons with the egg in the very center of the power circle held tightly in a cage of straw with a tiny locked door looking like a spheroid globe sphere made of glass except made of straws shooting strings of purple electricity.

me: i can't tell how this marvelous monstrosity is being held together as if it's floating in the air. glue? paste? static electricity? baling wire? once again Lucio comes through for us in the clutch without a word, with a thing none of us were conceiving. 

Michaela From Safeway: what a swell guy.

Avo: this is what machismo really is, science machismo.

Mr. Diamond: i had Lucio. both meanings.

me: i was gonna embarrass myself greatly tomorrow. i was about to make an ass of myself. i was gonna go in there in the morning and submit an egg-drop experiment where i tie the egg to a Target white plastic bag and let it rip, let it fly down to the bottom. if it flew it flew, if it cracked my back would crack and it would suck in front of everyone in the whole entire class.

Michaela: tenure your trauma. a collapsed back from sex is the good pain. think of a woman's back as an eggshell, treat it as such...

me: burst bitumen. Humpty Dumpty did crack in a Burger King bathroom. you see instead of regarding this challenge as a cold logical experiment in hard science, i took it as a philosophic exercise in the vagaries of life, like an American Beauty plastic bag fluttering in the sky, flopping in the air, an egg floating in the wind. thank you Lucio Rossi.

 

 

 

REMEMBER SMOKING?

 

notes:

* Greykid Mlem and Blep: the price of eggs is high? who cares, we are DEVASTATED hearing about the Avian Flu. our poor poor poor bird brothers and sisters with sauce.

* Osaka: the sex was not quiet, let me tell you. baby daddy? Federer of course!!!

* alcohol: the only cure for loneliness, but only if you're a writer in the woods or a model in the woods...

* Alita paperback book: it comes with an energy drink!!!

* the Cinemark Cats: the thing is, they're more like Fritz the Cat than Tom & Jerry...

* Boc: 100 jumping jacks a day so i don't have to walk anymore. fuck, i never knew jumping jacks could make me pant like this. i thought i had sweat my last. i am NEVER going back to doing that creepy morning walk in an abandoned minefield. thing is, i can't do the jumping jacks INDOORS cos i'll punch a hole in the wood floor with my foot.

Gladyce: i feel ya dear, i tend to do my witch jumping jacks OUTDOORS on the cobblestone. the witch jumping jacks are a bit easier cos we can fly. i even do them in my SOCKS so i make even less noise for our poor neighbors. 

Boc: i thought you lived alone. isn't that killer on your ankles to do jumping jacks without shoes? aren't your round bones round your ankles spinning hot after?

Gladyce: jumping jacks in the rain, it's so ROMANTIC!!!

* garden-path sentences: basically, you just need to add a comma...

* me: i need a crash course in driving.........wait...

* Airheads are the best Halloween candy.

* CPAP: hey that Bane mask from Batman is really giving us a bad name. it's hard enough to get people to wear the CPAP mask...

Captain Kirk putting his arm around Bane: i'm too cool to wear a mask, space needs to see my face.

* Kyrgios: Hewitt couldn't do it. i am PRIMED to be the Australian man who wins the Australian Open...

* Doryce: prods? no not more useless merch, the good stuff, the sex toys.

* outside of your name: on the porch

* Popeyes: our ghost pepper wings aren't really that hot. nor spicy. they just kinda taste like rosemary, you know? our sauce isn't hot, it's just buttermilk. it's like when you taste that Flamin' Hot En Fuego Carolina Chile Spicy Mountain Dew and it just tastes like cherry...

* Dr. Rick: don't speak to the people inside the elevator with you, that's rude. if you're gonna chat up the mademoiselle babe in the Paris shirt at least talk about the elevator inside the Eiffel Tower...

* Taco Bell: we've tried to make the Mexican Pizza appetizing but it always ends up just looking weird, you know? let's see if FOURTH TIME'S THE CHARM. 

Celty on her motorcycle: delivery.

woman in 12 boyfriend shirt: this is not my boyfriend's shirt, this is a pajama shirt, my boyfriend hates football. why doesn't my Mexican Pizza look gooey like in the commercial? my hot sauce packet says TAKE ME HOME.

Celty: you're already home, you're amongst friends. you're allowed to have a big-screen TV on your roof? they don't have lofts like these in Japan.

Celty: you can't have bistro lights if you're not eating pizza. regular pizza.

woman: i root for the 12th Man.

Celty: the Seattle Seahawks do not deserve to be in the playoffs...

* AT&T Space Launch

Lily: you don't have to buckle your seatbelt, you'll be floating in space soon.

astronaut: i wasted my entire afternoon on THIS?!!! that college football championship game was a GARBAGE ROUT. was Georgia playing a junior-high team? is there such a thing as Junior High Lights?

* Dr. Pepper Fansville

jock bully: you want my letterman jacket, pretty boy? it's cold out.

Corey Haim: i prefer my plaid.

jock bully: whatsa matter? you can't drink REGULAR Dr. Pepper?

Corey Haim: sugar makes you hyper and irrational.

girlfriend: he's not a vampire, he's a lost soul cos he stole from his parents.

Corey Haim: actually i am a Lost Boy. put out this bonfire, spicy marshmallows are sold in stores now.

girlfriend: oversharing makes you weak, jock bully, it was only sexy that one time when Dr. Phil shared with Cash Me Outside Girl that he had never farmed a day in his life.

CLICK HERE TO SURF THE ATMOSPHERIC RIVER

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: can't go anywhere, the McDonald's drivethru has been rained out, it washed out to sea, washed away, there's no drivethru paved-road anymore. besides, everyone's gonna take a rain check and watch the playoff football games, right? nothing like NFL on a Saturday...

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: LIFE IS NOT A CLOSED SET

Mr. Diamond: think of the most perfect room you've ever been in. i won't mark you down if you don't say my classroom with the orange shag rug up on the 3rd floor with no ventanas, no windows, no circulation. just a beautiful sunset every afternoon at 4.

me: my bedroom. my bed is my table.

Avo: my bedroom. in my homeland.

Michaela From Safeway: i love when Lucio's not around, i get the mansion in the Sherman Oaks Hills all to myself. i put the BIG-SCREEN TV ON MY BED!!! oh who am i kidding? we ALL miss Lucio DEARLY!!! like a devastated beaver. 

Paul Newman: all of you gathered here feeling terribly, follow me.

Tatjana Patitz: i wish i had had GREEN HAIR throughout my career!!! i mean what's the point of having a pretty face if you don't use that face to SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. all that matters is Nature. my perfect face is a very very small infinitesimally tiny part of Nature. i always begged my photographers to shoot me in a woodland clearing but they all wanted me to hang from the Eiffel Tower. i was BEGGING the fashion press to call me Mother Nature but they insisted on dubbing me Pretty Patitz.

George Michael: you're finally experiencing freedom now, with me...

Rosso Furniture: in Gilroy and Morgan Hill. after the iconic mother with the boxing gloves died i was sure it would get liquidated, but the daughter took over and got herself a tall spicy blonde sidekick who was not her mother...

Red Bull parrots commercial: individualism vs. the collective good, this is a sharp dialectic on the impossibility of this debate set in a saved Amazon Rain Forest...

colored frosting: for hair not cake. 

beautiful shiner: not a black eye, an endangered species of fish.

The Far Pavilions: the Hindu The Thorn Birds

Suzy Lu: that's why i love Kakashi so much, cos he has that sexy Sharingan eye and i'm blind in one eye..

Dasha Navalnaya: i'm Jamie Lynn Spears if she were a tall Russian basketball player.

Jamie Lynn Spears: make that an army brat falling out of a helicopter...

Big Time Rush: is there a Glee curse? of course there is. shoulda stayed with us in the shallow waters...

Boc: exercise is useless.

Adam Rich: you gotta admit, faking your own death is kinda funny the more you think about it 30 years later. death, that's rich. ah, Might Magazine in San Franciso, the innocent days of zines and street interviews. NOW you'll look up and watch that lost episode of Dungeons & Dragons, huh.

Suzanne Ciani: Bolinas is where i hide. California is a great great big place to hide from the world so i can really do the music i want to do...

Norah Jones: the thing is tho, drums aren't empty...

the best part of Bleach: Thousand -Year Blood War may be.........

the

haiku

at

the

end

of

each

episode

Del Monte Forest: we need a forest to build a new mall...

TMIT: if you want to heal, don't go to a spa, go to TMIT. don't illegally bring a bath bomb into a spa, soak your soul at Too Much Information Tuesday on BlogSpot, a place so special and kind it's like Uzumaki for unicorns.

John Larroquette: it's like Golden Girls in my head, i'm the last of the original Night Court crew, everyone else is dead, Dan Fielding is Betty White!!! i'm not fielding questions for compliments, i can't play the Dan of old, i'm fucking 70 years old now!!! i can't have sex with the guest star or the random court hooker or the bailiff or Harry Stone's daughter anymore, okay?!!!

Doryce: witch's ladder is my vagina.

Bender from Futurama: don't worry, i'll tell you where the floods are.

Sega Activator: for Jheri curls

New York City: the only place on Earth that still has bookstores...

Laertus: is there anything better than Nada Tawfik on location standing in a NYC bookstore?

Eye Luggage: ...

Jerrod Carmichael: you had no idea what people in Hollywood actually made before i spilled the tea, huh. $500,000.00 for a hosting gig?!!! YOWZERS!!! ONE HOSTING GIG creates generational wealth for an entire neighborhood block!!!

Tom Cruise: Shelly is at my house. she's sipping tea as we speak. she's on a cruise ship, the cruise went long cos of covid. she took over duties at the Cheers bar after Kirstie Alley died...

Shelley Long: extra e. not Extasy spelled with an x. you know when i was on that set my title was bartendress but everyone kept calling me a wet wench...

Reese's Puffs Ambush Universe: AI for kids.

Reese's Puffs cereal: don't you love how Reese's Puffs has an entry in Wikipedia?

Eye Luggage: The Disaster Artist and go.

Tommy Wiseau: i'm 69 years old. i'm from Poland. and my wealth is from the lumber industry. i used to be an angry young man but i've cooled in my old age, i toss the football around with the fans at those Rocky Horror-esque Midnight Mass showings of The Room. i'm chill about my career. i was wizened but now i am wise. oh, and never go to France.

James Franco: i didn't just read the CliffsNotes, i actually interviewed Tommy Wiseau before...

Laertus: can i just say, THIS MOVIE WAS A DELIGHT!!! it was A PLEASURE TO WATCH this, i needed this, i needed to laugh again.

Tommy Wiseau: i never trusted the people i worked with, look at the cameraman and his producers, they behind my back went up north and made documentary exposing i'm from Poland. i hate that, i hate when friends stab. never trust anyone from Canada.

Laertus: see this is what i mean, WITHIN FIVE MINUTES you're laughing your ass off!!! the performance by James Franco of Tommy Wiseau is SO FUCKING FUNNY. 

Tommy Wiseau: and exact. this is exactly how i act. in real life.

James Franco sipping a water bottle: I DID NOT. OH HAI MARK. is it just me or is the entire language track on The Room one minute behind? it's like the dubbing got mixed just a tad slow. i mean even the SYNOPSIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS: Tommy Wiseau, whose movements are at once frightening and strange, whose herky-jerky speech patterns make him talk like he's on something, known as The Dracula Rapist, Eddie Munster's Weird Uncle, he scares his coworkers on set...

Laertus: this was actually my very first James Franco/Seth Rogen buddy road comedy i've ever watched, it will probably be the last but it was worth it!!!

Dave Franco: look at my smile!!! i have THE MOST HANDOSME BIG GRIN of all time!!! i didn't want the part to just ride my brother's coattails and just be a nepo baby.........but.........i mean if it means i get to marry Alison Brie with French cheese in Paris i'm blessed and frankly i don't care what people call me behind my back. i mean those Superbad dorks and dweebs except McLovin can't bully me so who cares?

Seth Rogen: so what were you laughing at in that scene? that scene was sad and tragic and denoted devastating loss about breast cancer. 

James Franco: don't you love how i imitate Tommy Wiseau's famous AIRY SCOFF laugh he does instead of actually laughing?

Ari Graynor: I'M BUILT LIKE A BRICK HOUSE.

Dirg: yep.

Frankie Muniz: this is an Adult Swim reunion!!!

Janet Wood the florist: hi doggie. don't you wish sports radio was kinder? why isn't there healthy dog food yet? Paul Newman's eyes aren't blue, they're made of water. Jack Tripper once barked like a dog on my bed.

acting coach: what the fucking hell was that?!!!

Tommy: I'M FUCKING FREE ON THAT STAGE, LADY!!! I'M FREE WHEN I ACT!!! my onstage performance is NOT my onstage persona!!! i do what i want, i thrust my jeans penis in the air lying down on my back in the spotlight doing the Stella monologue, I RAINBOW-CURVE MY THRUSTS. there's no wrong way to do a scene, it's how you FEEL.

acting coach: yeah whatever, i'm just here cos my husband Antonio Banderas looks like Marlon Brando, he's gonna ace the audition here in San Francisco and fly either to Los Angeles or probably New York.

Greg Sestero: i love how unshackled you are when you act, you are so loose and unencumbered up there on stage. i can't pay for acting class anymore, it's too expensive. i do NOT want to be a model.

Tommy: i'm just me, you know? wanna move down to L.A. and become actor? it's easy. i gotta place down there, the Full House house.

Greg: yeah let me just tell my mom i'm leaving with you.

Greg's mom: honey, it's not easy becoming an actor, it's for the 1%, you know? you have to have CONNECTIONS, NOT TALENT. i mean look at me, i had to walk with a cane for 8 fucking seasons!!!

Greg: why are we out here at James Dean's crash site in the middle of the night?

Tommy: because everyone says i look like James Dean...

Greg: you are very protracted and bizarre, that's why you're my best friend. how do you afford so many mansions all over the country? are you independently rich? why does your Mercedes look like a dirty 1980 Nissan Sentra? do you have a lot of untaxed money stashed away in the basement of this Crookedest Street condo with the 90210 address?

Tommy: don't worry about it, man, i'm good for it. i make a lot of gumbo in New Orleans.........you know that's not far off from the truth. did you know Red Bull is only made in San Francisco? i prefer these slender silver cans to those fat Arizona cans, i like dainty things. i like dainty tea.

Greg Sestero: that's me as the talent-agent bookie!!! i'm evaluating myself!!! very existential.

talent agent: i want this one for myself. in the back room. spread your legs for me.

Dave Franco Greg: but i'm not wearing a skirt, i'm wearing pants.

Judd Apatow: i'm really that brutal when i get accosted by randos trying to slip me scripts when i'm at Chez A.C. Slater for restaurant dinner with my family. tow his car away. next time, come at me at an In N Out Burger, okay young scriptwriter?

Tommy: screenplayist? 

Ernie's Mexican Restaurant: we make authentic Mexican food from Hollywood, by a young chico cook who will also fix your car at the garage, just don't tell The Man, he's sleeping.

Tommy: whatever, i'll just do my own movie. i'll write the script myself, i'll type all 1000 pages. why does SpellCheck keep offering me nonsense words?...

Laertus: now see, i hadn't known that before me viewing this, now i know how the industry works. people RENT the big cameras, it's very rare to buy the cameras outright. especially student filmmakers and the first-timers. making notes. so that's how they do it, that's how they can afford it. you know you never think about just renting a bike, right? you always want that bicycle for yourself.

camera-shop dude: yeah don't worry, just return the equipment by tonight, i'm filming Bill Cosby's first standup special...

Zac Efron as the thug in the beanie: i'll fucking kill you.

Tommy: omg Zac Efron i'm worried about you after that, that was REAL, folks, that wasn't acting, this guy's a MONSTER, are you okay, Zac Efron? Zac Efron you wanna talk about your life of basketball as i get the football?

Tommy Wiseau: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!!! you know what that was? my Ian Curtis impression.

1999: unfortunately, 1999 will always be known forever in time as the Shakespeare in Love year...

Jacki Weaver: why do we do what we do? why do i drive from my hovel in Mexico to the set in L.A. 500,000 miles away? well for one Mexico is a very dangerous country. we're ACTORS, MAN. our jobs are fun as fuck!! it's not like we're streetsweepers or bus drivers, you know? so what we take lunch at a St. Cyril's playground table. don't worry, i fainted but i just don't like drinking water. 

Laertus: okay this is the FUNNIEST SCENE OF ALL TIME. i know i know but there's just something when James Franco struts down the set in his bare butt like he owns the place, i mean that is RISIBLE. 

James: not to mention the wood clothespin holding my junk in a sock.

Gladyce: ...

James: no penis double that was all me.

Mardith: so we're just gonna ignore all of James Franco's real-life sexual-harassment complaints against him on set?.........i know i know it was funny it was funny. 

Eye: for the record what gets me in the mood is The Cure. not Depeche Mode, unpopular opinion.

Laertus: making notes.

Seth Rogen: does he know where the vagina is? he's thrusting her bellybutton. i know where the vagina is, i've worked with Barbra Streisand. you want sexy rain at the Titanic? i'm outta here, i got an audition for Donkey Kong...

Tommy: no movie has ever been successful without a naked butt. look at Hitchcock and Kubrick, both men had all their movies with naked butts. naked MALE butts i might add.

Dave Franco: you can't treat people this way, Tommy!!! hey, you tell me the MOMENT you feel uncomfortable with the sex scene, okay? DO NOT HESITATE!!! there is no pimple cream on set!!!

Ari Graynor: i've felt uncomfortable since day one of starting this project...

Bryan Cranston at the donut shop: why am i so gruff in my appearance here? i'm not like that, i'm loose and jolly and jovial and joking, the producers thought i couldn't slough off my Breaking Bad persona. take a break from being serious. so you haven't gotten your big break yet?

Greg: no.

Bryan: keep plugging away, it'll come. keep plugging. keep plugging Alison Brie. i'm the boss of you now. you want a part in my TV show Little Malcolm?

Greg: and how!!! lumberjack, right? it's my beard.

Bryan: you've watched the Monty Python lumberjack skit to prepare, right?

Greg: i don't know Monty Python.

Bryan: oooooh you don't want to be admitting that at your audition. 

Greg: you know what, i'm gonna keep the beard and try for The Virgin Suicides...

Greg: my Dodgers tryout did not work out. like all actors, my fallback is i'm doing Death of a Salesman...

Greg: i'm doing theatre now. you wanna try theatre again?

Tommy: remember when we met on a stage? at Berkeley? in that pirate play with Jennifer Pizarro?...

James Franco: Greg, thanks for saving me when i stormed out. this isn't Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero embracing on stage and waiting for the zesty interview and audience Q&A after the movie, this is James and Dave Franco fist-bumping cos the Franco Brothers did a project together.

Dave Franco: it brought us closer together, i'm not jealous of you anymore, Jimmy.

Tommy Wiseau at the premiere theater: ACTING IS TRUTH. this is MY MOVIE. see this isn't supposed to be a joke, The Room was my serious examination of my life and what led me to suicide-shoot me with a gun. it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be a drama. i did my best writing the script and i acted the best i could without any lessons either way. 

Mark Borchardt puts his arm around Tommy Wiseau and hugs him in the aisle.

Mark Borchardt: i feel you, brother. MAKING A MOVIE IS A MIRACLE. you went after your dream. you should be ETERNALLY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT, my man. i love you. my movie was my life, too, it was ABOUT my life.........except mine was splatter horror.

James Franco: my movie ended up being surprisingly heartfelt, huh. for being completely ridiculous from minute one till the end. g'night folks.

Lucio Rossi: this is a movie about friendship. about a friendship that survives Hollywood, a friendship that survives being apart for years. so much so that the two are still doing presentations together years later. it's never too late to reconnect...

Paul Newman leads them to his Newman's Own headquarters in Westport, Connecticut.

Paul: remember Cheetos? not the Flamin' Hot ones, the Original Crunchy ones.

Michaela From Safeway: yes, in those cute little tiny bags.

Avo: yes, they are a Crespi memory.

me: no, they are a ST. CYRIL'S hot-lunch memory!!!

Paul: can you help me out over here with this baling wire?

Madame Pons with her starry- and heart-shaped eyes: it would be my pleasure, Paul Newman.

Paul Newman: i gotta go to Montecito and help Ellen's river overflow if you know what i mean.

Ellen DeGeneres: i now dance for two forever.

Paul Newman: floodwaters are scary but not as scary as the gushing. LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!! look at the Newman's Own headquarters!!! it's so intimate and warm. the brick walls are evocative of a small liberal-arts campus nestled in the woods of a New England mining town. this is the college of cottage cheese. THIS is the best room on Planet Earth, that same planet i am single-handedly saving with my eco-friendly products. we all must be caretakers of this world, tend to it like a mother mad as hell. g'night folks.

Greykid Mlem and Blep: all we see is the dog food. where's the Newman's Own Cat Food? and we don't like your salsa, we like that Ortega Salsa in that hot-water-bottle-shaped glass bottle with the tubular tube top and Aztec hieroglyph markings on the scratched glass at the tip that reminds us of St. Cyril's in the 1980s.