MBC: we were meant to be. that month was hard. i threw up every night. you've always been my best roommate. let's do this.
Benoit: agreed. i lost a nipple over it. let's get married. but where?
MBC: on a boat of course. the Serac ship that's leaving out of this port THIS minute!!! let's hop on board!!!
the two are like schoolkids as they carry their wedding belongings on their head. two bikinis, hers and his. and a bucket of champagne. and they both JUMP. literally LEAP onto the Serac boat in lane with the other side of the wharf between them and the anchor, they make it just in time with just as much space.
Benoit: don't jump in the water just for shits and giggles, i like your hair THIS amount of wet.
Jasper the cat is there on board staring at the proceedings making sure the process transitions smoothly.
Benoit: thank you for this, i don't have to fake life again. i don't have to pretend to be a frat boy anymore. i can just be a normal man.
MBC: same. i hated all the sorority-girl giggling.
all the luminaries you'd expect are on this vessel.
MBC: well i'm here from AXUA Kelp.
like Alarm Bill.
Alarm Bill wearing a maroon knit cap: hi. i'm scientifically working on how to make snow resistant to heat. interning summers on the summit of the Himalayan Mountains.
MBC: Bill!!! you're the group's beloved younger brother. here everyone, let's all give Bill a collective GROUP HUG!!!
the boat is christened the Everything. with a bottle bashed against its bow. a bottle of tomato juice. tomato juice that thickens into sauce when stored, perfect to put into cans of beans, very British, very Heinz, very worldly, very cosmopolitan, very pub food, very Bronski Beat "Smalltown Boy" music video. the wedding food served to the guests? these beans. "Everything" by Nine Inch Nails plays in the background.
in the purple-carpeted rotunda inside the circular conference room is getting underway ready and round.
Benoit: shouldn't the carpet be light blue?
MBC is the first speaker. she swallows the mic.
Benoit: that's my girl. that's the girl i'm gonna marry everybody.
polite applause.
MBC: well we got one Longhorn here cos it seems every secret organization is required to have one spy in its ranks. do you call where you went a certified college, Hooks Hornburg?
Hooks Hornburg: *making the sign with his fingers* hook em horns?
MBC: typical. dumb as a rock. we spotted you instantly a mile away. go back to your election-watcher job in Texas and leave the important work to us.
the room group-laughs boisterously and girlsterously.
Rubikon: i am the river on the sea...
Tyzik: i am your waterboard.
Michael Weiss: i'm bored with no wifi on this superyacht.
Greykid: there's an Instagram profile with the word dog but not one with the word cat, interesting interesting...
JFK aboard watching a bikini island with his spyglass: far out, man. there are no accidents here on Xanadu...
Michael Weiss: don't worry about me, you big pile of shit. i'll just be here by myself on my lonesome at the corner of this boat...
guarded beach: a place where Mitch Baywatch, David Hasselhoff, and Bob Belcher can drunkenly eat each other's burgers together...
Jon Batiste: in the '80s, cocoa butter was made from beef tallow...
Coco Gauff: don't call me Cocoa Butter Gauff, my name is Charlotte...
arpels: glamorous armipts
Pangkor Laut: where Peter Parker ORIGINATED from...
Michelle Yeoh: this goes out to all the monks. i want to not come back when i die, i want instead to remain Enlightened...
Cotard and Codrus look at each other...
Nick Kyrgios at Wimbledon: give a man a mask and he'll show you his true self. you gotta admit, mate, that's a profound mindfuck. i'm so fast The Flash sucks my dick, i'm from the streets, motherfucker. i beat up BOTH David Duchovny and Billy Wirth in an Australian bar to show my green worth. you may hate me but you gotta admit, mate, my behind-the-leg underhand serve is pretty cool. it's sneaky and underhanded like me. i will yell at the grass if i have to.
sgriob: whiskey lips tickle
Chevy Chase: call me Garfunkel...
Guy Fieri in the galley: my spaghetti sauce ain't no Mario Batali's spaghetti sauce that's for sure, two fat guys commiserating.
Uncelta at the boat-bar cantina: i'm the Jennifer Pizarro of the Star Wars Universe...
Pablo Picasso painting blue nudes in the stern lobby: my what lovely boughs you have, miss. very vowelly. swing from my dick and a miss. my pablo picasso penis, my PPP. EVERY photo of me i have bug eyes...
Trent Reznor: who knew a dork playing the piano doing musical theater would have such insightful lyrics on the meaninglessness of life, that we are merely the current apex species on Earth and there'll be another species when humans die out. does God look like me?
Fuerza: you are quite handsome, Trent.
Trent: this kid turned me into a positive nihilist!!!
Roger Federer at Centre Court for 100 Years: i don't look right in a business suit. this is uncomfortable on my skin, i need to be in a cream cardigan.........this is depressing.
Penko: Ostapenko here. Jelena Ostapenko. i'm the only woman tennis player who shows any emotion at all out here on tour. i'm the only one willing to smash a racquet or two.
ATP Uncovered: we'd be a more popular show if we were on during the Roddick/Federer era.........or the Sampras era.........or hell, the Borg/McEnroe/Connors era!!!
Roger: i'm willing to lead the water tour here...
the SNL after Bill Clinton won: that's not a porno sign, that's a car-wash sign...
Socks the cat perched on a bonsai tree growing out from the lower deck to the upper deck: Bill Clinton was cool. we smoked weed together at the White House. well i smoked weed and Bill Clinton inhaled catnip.
Talia: you were the original Talia, Socks!!!
Violetta Laze on a waverunner: don't watch the 4th of July fireworks directly, watch the hole in the sky they create for the full moon to showcase.
Circus Coo hanging upside-down from the ship rafters: i taught Jillian Clare how to trapeze.........but not how to find a husband.
Jersey Mike's over at catering: our sub vinegar is contraband oil from the Middle East stored in a van parked in a brick alley. it's tastier and oilier than Jimmy Johns vinegar.........tho Jimmy, John, and Mike are the same Joisey mook.
Greykid: i'm speaking for ALL pets: NO MORE FIREWORKS!!! seriously, dude, fireworks are dead. played out. my precious ears. the allure of fireworks is dead, they're all the same!!! the thrill is gone!!! stop it already with the whole fucking fireworks thing, they scare us!!! fuck the boom, no more pop, i'm pleading. i'm talking to you, frat bros.
Nick Kyrgios with a wry smile: imagine the implications if i won Wimbledon...
Rickie Fowler on the golf course located upstairs: as always, i'm in 2nd Place...
Uncle Sigh the horse, crying: i miss Hank Goldberg.
Dirg watching on the big screen: did you see at the end of that femdom video? catch that at the end? the dude puts his hand on the back of the woman, he has to exert SOME control at the end there...
MBC: no Gentleminions on the upper deck!!!
Gentleminions: we're a little Proud Boysish, a little alt-rightish, but mostly we're harmless in our suits...
me: i was wrong. i've changed my tune, seen the light in sunglasses. i dig Jack Harlow now. i dig his understated cool.
Djokovic and John Isner sit next to each other at donor dinner on the boat. Djokovic is eating caviar and all the Roe eggs and Big John is eating brussel-sprout balls.
Djokovic: i helped Jannik Sinner when he fell. that makes me a saint.
John Isner: and i fell to Jannik Sinner at Wimbledon. why can't i play on grass?
Djokovic: i helped Jannik Sinner up when he fell and i invited him to dinner at my home with Boris Becker.
John Isner: i couldn't get up when i fell to Jannik Sinner and he dined on me in Hell. it's impossible for us tall guys to get up after we fall, we just have to sleep on the wet sprinklered grass the whole night.
Taco Bell in the ship food-court: yo we're the GOOD GUYS!! we're on YOUR side!!! we get the scourge of microplastics in our water, in human water, but don't be having that Big Tobacco commercial use the Taco Bell purple color everywhere in swirls!!! all our forks spoons and napkins are recyclable!!! we don't sell Taco Bell amber ashtrays from the '70s anymore!!!...
Dirg: never stare at another man's tattoos...
Eye Luggage: Red Shoe Diaries, the movie from 1992. oooooooooh, one for us. one for us ladies. TWO for us ladies!!! David Duchovny and Billy Wirth.
David Duchovny: i mean.........big sigh, as i was doing this film i was wondering why the hell i had moved from the comfy confines of Princeton University to trek all the way out here to Hollywood for THIS?!!! i was thinking i was gonna go NOWHERE in my career after this. worse, i'd be reduced to being a porn actor. i mean i was a Major in philosophy for fuck sale!!! Princeton philosophy, philosophy at Princeton. Ivy intelligence. i could at least be a WRITER...
Duchovny: but soon a little-known sci-fi show i did obscurely in the Canadian woods caught on with the general public and clicked in. audiences adored. look, The X-Files is cool and everything, but what i loved about the show was it afforded me the opportunity to do Californication. Red Shoes is what prepared me for Californication...
Tea Leoni: he's not a sex addict.........i swear.
Brigitte Bako: yep, i'm the space babe. i got purple gargoyle skin, baby. look at my FACE. there, now you know what i look like. all the posters for this tv-movie on HBO show my breasts and my buttocks only. nobody has any idea what the main girl LOOKS like!!!
David: whoa. okay this is STRANGE. Brigitte Bako you look EXACTLY like Annabeth Gish!!! whom i worked with on The X-Files. cue the spooky X-Files music, amirite?
Brigitte Bako's daughters: Stranger Things music...
Laertus's dad: yeah you know i remember this movie in dribs and drabs.
Rubikon: and dibs and dabs.
Laertus's dad: i saw parts of it on a lazy Sunday afternoon in the '80s on a wire stealing cable from the neighbor's back porch. my good grades allowed me the opportunity to have this time on a Sunday. the picture went in and out. like the thrusting.
Laertus: oh yeah, dad, i remember standing in the middle of the living room holding the rabbit-ears to make sure the tv screen wouldn't produce snow. i saw a lot of weird lined bodies making wavy movements and weird loud moans.
David: RED is the big central symbolic color here. the red of the shoes, the hell heels. the red of the DIARY where all the sex secrets are written down, stored, and keyed. and of course the red of the lifeguard little mini raft thing buoy that all the Baywatch people use to save lives hooked and anchored right here tied to this boat...
Billy Wirth: yeah yeah look at my muscles and my sculpted face and my long black Italian motorcycle hair. i was a real-life gladiator.........on tv, there are no more gladiators in the world. i will suck your blood like calcium milk because i want to be a blond like Kiefer. but my sexiest body part is my SMILE. see?
Brigitte Bako: yeah. your best feature is your dimples. i have a French face. i bake both marijuana and non-marijuana goods for my daughters' school bake sales.
Eye: girls, NEVER kill yourself over a MAN!!! or two. believe me, HE'S NOT WORTH IT!!!
David: so we start at the end. as it were. the funeral of my beloved woman who ended her life suddenly out of nowhere spur of the moment cos the passion of her flame had consumed her up body and soul. but what was her genesis? and the first person i meet at Lawnwoods Mortuary on a grassy knoll of a hill as the coffin is being lowered down on greasy wheels is her shriveled ol' old-money pruney bat woman of a mother.
mother in shades and a black but purple dress: when you want to talk about it i'll be here. i'm only a phone call away, at the mansion.
David: i'm sorry bint i mean mom, but i mean what's the point of talking anymore. she's gone forever.
mother crying under her shades: i don't understand, what was her motive? my precious daughter!!! she had EVERYTHING to live for!!! she was RICH for fuck sake!!!
David: how well did you know your own daughter? i dare say i knew her BETTER than you did, her own parent. she was a VIBRANT woman inside.
mother: inside?
David: i assume cos she kept a diary, so she kept all her feelings locked up in her interior life in her thoughts and her thinking, never expressed them out loud.
mother: so she was a slut?
David: well she was an introvert, ma'am. why are all these funerals always held outside on a wet grass court?
Brigitte: i am woman hear me ROAR!!!
David: i wish you'd express your feelings to me. i don't know what you're thinking, i never know.
Brigitte: all women must have their secrets, that's what diaries are for. buildings are kinda boring, wouldn't you say?
David: well it's KINDA art. here, look after this spotlight i have trained on you, it'll be the red-herring Gun later.
Chekhov from Star Trek: phaser...
Brigitte: i don't like fish, only diddling my fish. wanna take a bath with me?
David: only if we're using soapy itchy LUSH bath bombs.
David: when i yell at the skyscraper foreman, that's forced, that's not ME, you know?
Butt: and mean, he's just doing his job.
Madame Pons: yeah, whenever Mulder had to start yelling and ranting and raving, it was uncomfortable and unnatural, Mulder's too sweet for that.
Mardith: Mulder uses his MIND to solve problems. not his fists.
David: i'm a brain boy. yeah even here when i'm describing Brigitte with ballet-like whispy tones and i mention i like when she cums, saying the word cum in my shaky faltering voice, it's just not me, cum is just something Mulder would never say.
Mulder: right. he would say psycho-sexual to self-diagnose himself but not cum.
Dirg: i call foul. the first sex scene with Duchovny and Brigitte, nothing happens!!! nothing is shown!!! it's just a total tease!!!
Brigitte: wait, i thought there'd be TWO men. but now it's looking like i'm gonna have to fuck my eye doctor, too?!!!
eye doctor: welp. just lean back in the chair as i lower it like your coffin. the eye chart spells out S-E-X...
Brigitte: what are you, Caligula from Seinfeld?...
woman on the bus: GIVE EM HELL, SISTER!!! that man who beat you, LEAVE HIS ASS, SWEETIE!!!
Brigitte: i LOVE how all the women on the street assume i was beaten by a man because i'm wearing this black eyepatch. why not i'm a piratess who looks like Jennifer Beals?
woman on bus: look how BEAUTIFUL this '80s bus is!!! remember the orange-and-brown-striped metro city buses of the '80s!!!?
Brigitte: i need to have an adventure cos i'm too much woman for one man. just a little fling i'll cover up keep hidden from David and i'll be fine, i'll go about my life after with my bases intact. let's see, let's get as cliche as possible.........construction worker.
Billy hammering an electric drill on concrete at the build site wearing a yellow hardhat: am i sweating through this white wifebeater shirt?
Brigitte: are you into construction? cos you just constructed my heart. i mean...sorry i'm nervous.
Billy: hey you have a BEAUTIFUL SMILE. i love your teeth.
Brigitte: so do you.
Billy: i know, the smile, right? i could be skinny and still have this smile. it's real nice.
Brigitte: no, dimples need to lift weights to work. keep on smiling. one wrong decision and that's all she wrote. in life. the book of life. the diary of life. it's like our destinies are at the mercy of the wind.
Billy: yeah, especially if you kill yourself. dinner later?
Zalman King: and of course the main water pipeline breaks and busts and a GUSH of water waterfalls out of the hole. sexual symbolism at its finest, folks, nature's cumshot.
David: okay this is the ICONIC shot from the entire series. me holding the dead naked dripping body of Brigitte Bako in my arms as i weep taking her out of the tub of red-colored water and there's that STAINED GLASS WINDOW in the background.
Zalman: i love mixing religion with sex, it's the right combination.
David: i'm holding her like the Pieta, like Mary held Jesus.
Takahashi: love the Mariachi band, great background atmosphere. the Halloween tree well the Tree of Life anyway. and the party her coworkers throw her for her 30th birthday, the year EVERY woman becomes mature in the ways of love. always that smoky afternoon soiree.
Zalman: there's always a party scene full of relatives and guested friends who have no clue what's going on in the protagonist's inner life, she looks glum for some reason...
Laertus's dad: okay it was THIS scene right here. this scene is ICONIC, when she ORDERS Billy to rip off her panties!!! classic stuff! you could hear that RIP from Toledo to Timbuktu!!! the first time i saw this scene, i kid you not, i was at a Fedco in the '80s watching it on a big screen in the showroom with a bunch of random construction workers in yellow hardhats chuckling under their breaths.
Brigitte: call me Alex. not the Family Ties dude, this is the NINETIES, dammit!!! 1992 was such an innocent year, good vibes, good '90s vibes. i had to eat SEVEN granola bars to get my butt to look that good for this scene!!! look, Billy, the sex was good but it's over, it was just an affair, a frosty fling, just for lust, pure lustiness, it means nothing. where's my hotel croissant?
Billy Wirth: but this could be the start of something for me. something big. the start of my CAREER!!! like, i could be the Italian guy on Friends or something...
Brigitte: you told me you were Huron Indian.
Billy: my ancient ancestor is a schoolteacher from Boston...
Brigitte: stop stalking me at work, Billy!!!
Billy: you sell real estate? you're into houses and buildings and stuff?
Brigitte: no it's just what i do for money. buildings are boring.
Billy: i'm addicted to you. i can't let you go. don't sell me a house, i need to live in YOUR house. look i didn't want to have to do this, pull out this card, but i'm Indian. i'll haunt you forever, your house is a building on top of an old Indian burial ground...
Brigitte: meet the parents, ready?
David: sure. mom!!! fancy mansion you got here.
mother: don't fuck with me, fella. i'm a goddamn dowager. i'm so rich i'll make your eyeballs bleed.
David: i bleed blue. not blueblood like you, Princeton blue. Democrat blue.
mother: so you wanna marry my boring daughter, huh mister? rub some Vicks VapoRub on my turkey neck, boy!!! but you think you can SATISFY my daughter?
David: i don't need your permission. i just thought it'd be a courtesy. if you really want me to show you my prowess let's set up this mother-daughter threesome with me in the study with the candlestick...
David: why are all the mansions and apartments in these types of films always abandoned and hollow?
Eye: okay here. this is how this scene SHOULD have gone down. the two of them in the engagement scene with the red glow in the room by the skyscraper model wrapped up snug in a Gatsby blanket:
David: here's the fire-red engagement ruby ring i blacksmithed at this fireplace here. smoothed that stone.
Brigitte: you don't want to marry me, i have demons.
David: i want to meet and love those demons...
Eye: okay i ADMIRE the cinematography of these scenes where she loses her balance and is spinning out of control. the endless dizzying doors to endless rooms, she's writhing and rolling rolling rolling on linoleum. she doesn't know what way is up and she's contemplating the worst, she can't get out of the situation. but GIRL all you had to do was CONFESS!!! spill the beans to your betrothed future husband and your lover on the side, you are a MODERN WOMAN WITH NEEDS. if they can't handle it, dump em, both of them, kick them to the clurb curb and move on with your life!!
Eye: the mirrors, the revolving mirrors, very Bruce Lee. oh damn, the tub scene she gets in naked and fills it with water. and then here come those fucked-up sharp razor blades, I CAN'T I LOOK NOT I TURN AWAY!!! i cannot oh snap. don't have a scene with wrists!!! they better not actually SHOW the suicide i simply no no no. yeah that's right cut to squirting some red tomato juice in the tubwater to make it nice and thick tomato sauce. GAH that was traumatic!!!
at the shoe store.
David: you sell women's shoes? Mulder looks ridiculous with women's shoes in the background here like this.
Billy: yes. you looking to become a Bundy, too?
David: i mean and i was just about to say how you get your kicks by looking up women's skirts and smelling and licking their underwear when they're not looking, even the grannies...
David: okay buddy, YOU AND ME, we're gonna settle this once and for all!!! let's get out of this bar, they're just showing Michael Jordan Chicago Bulls highlights. we're gonna play some REAL basketball!!! shirtless!!!
David: oh shit. you know how much i had to work out to match the muscles of Billy Wirth's good genes? i had to go on that Rob Lowe diet. they don't teach you this stuff at Princeton. don't be a bully, Billy, don't shove me around with your biceps.
Billy: we're both skins, we both have our shirts off for some reason, it doesn't make sense. first to H-O-R-S-E and go.
David: hey do you ever scratch behind your ear and the red-stained wax behind there has hardened into a crunchy mucus and it all cracks and makes the sound of cracked under the weight of your thumb like so many crumbled-up Frito Lays potato chips.
Billy: don't try to confuse me, college boy!!! i'm too smart for you!!!
while Billy is distracted looking up dazed to think, David snags the ball from Billy and scores a layup dunk.
David: i played basketball at Princeton.........secretly.
Billy: you did? i didn't know that. Zalman you sneaky gauzy bastard!!!
Zalman King: give me some credit. i used Swedish models here i used to party with in the '80s for the bar birds who come home with the boys. but they're middle-aged Swedish women from my former idol Ingmar Bergman...
Dirg: okay this fight scene with the two shirtless dudes and the stage spotlight goes on WAY TOO LONG. the rumble-fight. this ain't no Fight Club. it's like bad high-school theater.
David: why'd you let her do it?
Billy: i had no idea she was feeling that way.
David: good point. she didn't let anybody in. but still YOU were the cause of her suicide.
Laertus: i'm interested in the ending here. Billy's ONLY reaction after all that fighting and brawling is to land ONE SINGLE PUNCH on David's face. Billy never SAYS anything, NOT ONE WORD, about the suicide. it's weird, right?
Eye: not necessarily. in fact i think THIS is what the film is trying to highlight. some men like David express themselves vociferously and openly, some like Billy keep their emotions and mouths shut all in and bottled.
at the mansion
David: it's not your fault. you raised her.
mother: *tearfully* but WHY?!!!
Brigitte: mother look at me in this black wig and leather garter belts. do i look like an anime character?
David: i tossed the ruby engagement ring in the fireplace andirons. i was marrying your daughter, not you, but if you would LIKE me to marry you, i could do that, we could arrange that.
at the funeral
Brigitte Bako: look. i was intense in life. that's it. deal with it. move on. good bye.
at the cafe.
Takahashi: i'm late. is Brigitte Bako Japanese?...
David: waitress i know the name of i'm a regular, got a quarter i can spare?
waitress named Jennifer Aniston: but it won't be spared after you use that quarter, it'll be lost in a slot.
David: story of my life.
David outside: ah, it's so nice to breathe in city air. and use a payphone booth by the side of a brick wall. a phone gummed up by sticky soot and steam. hello, i'd like to place a PERSONAL AD. it's true, people got their sex through PERSONAL ADS once. print it in the newspaper column, don't Star-69 me, wait till i get off, you hear the click. this is not a prank:
have you ever wondered why? when it comes to sex. tell me your stories, bored housewives...
David: oh look!!! Richie Sambora does the music for the end credits!!! can i steal you away from the band awhile so you can help me with my OWN album of music someday, Richie?
Richie: Bon Jovi's actually a good Jersey Catholic boy, he's not into softcore...
David Duchovny: yeah there was some confusion here, THIS is the tv-movie that STARTS the rest of the series. where i'm hosting other stories. you don't know how many internet missives a day i get where people are waiting for the conclusion of this story so they watch the VERY LAST EPISODE OF THE SERIES and get no conclusion to MY personal story with Alex. no you can't have my dog on this show, he is TOO good a boy for this world!!! g'night folks.
the wedding is a success!!! this wedding on a boat goes off without a hitch or rescue attempt. some of the champagne has to be mixed with emergency toilet water but it's no big deal.
Sting: i was a guest at the wedding and i drank it and it was fine.
after the ceremony the two lovebirds walk the plank together, a board of wood teetering on the edge of the cruise ship.
MBC: told ya. this proves it. this was meant to happen. were you nervous reciting the vows? any butterflies?
Benoit: none. and i collect butterflies. with pins. you know, this was more than a commitment to each other, this was a commitment to the Cause.
MBC: i know and i love it and is why i ripped up the prenup. let's fly blind, baby!!!
Benoit: love you.
MBC, big wide-toothed grin: LOOOOOOVVVVEEE YYYYOOUUU!!!
MBC and Benoit grab onto each other's hands and shoulders. with rosary necklace, rings, book, bouquet, butterfly dress and veil, and tophat and tuxedo, in tow against their stomach, they hold and then JUMP INTO the cold dark Atlantic Ocean below.
MBC, dripping; so, have you had your full water experience now?
Benoit, dripping: yes. i always like to have a water experience of some sort everyday. everynight before i go to bed. helps me sleep. usually it's a youtube video of a water ride at a theme park, a log ride at an amusement park or something, but this afternoon it was a tour of the canals of Venice on a POV gondola with Roger Federer as gondolier with straw hat. that was nice, very soothing, very relaxing. helped me. that was my water today. g'night folks from we the happy couple.
