TMIT: GWYNETH PALTROW ATE HER OWN VAGINA

 

i mean what can you say? all you can do is bow down to that, bow down to such a feat in love honor and respect.

2nd pic: not ice pops. not Otter Pops. flavors: lime, lemon, orange, Bud Ice

Condom Awareness Day falls on Valentine's Day, what are the odds?

Lars von Trier: that "ooh baby baby" chips Super Bowl commercial cut too close to home with that animatronic singing fox.

Peyton Manning: um, why didn't i do the voice to my cartoon character?

Eli Manning: i call you Peyt.

Boomer on ESPN: not Grey Cup, Cooper Kupp.

Bob Costas: if you have a Super Bowl party in the UK, you're REALLY not going in to work tomorrow...

1. one of my ideas is to someday create ____

a platform where artists can make money even if they go through their entire lives without ever having met a gatekeeper...

2. do you travel lightly?

yes i'm always alone. sure, when i used to travel. i was naked but carried that insanely-bulky Santa Claus pouch Luffy always carries on his back, a bag that's ten feet high, a bag the size of a Titan. they let me through Customs when they see my straw hat. i don't believe in bulky wallets, i keep all my cash and credit cards in a moneyclip. i lost my moneyclip on a frozen frog's lilypad. the frog was just pretending to be frozen to scare me with its tongue. i make sure not to eat or drink on the plane. i don't believe in planes trains and automobiles. i walk everywhere. know how i got to Hawaii? surfed.

3. how would you create the best dressed baked potato?

Mr. Potato Head black glasses, red Mickey Mouse shorts. for starters. instead of a money belt a belt made of chives. ketchup salt vinegar barbecue sour cream onion. oh i thought you said All Dressed. it's gotta look good cos all youtube videos are shown on it.

4. the best thing you tasted over the weekend was ____

my corner bookie's tears. i consoled him, i gave him a long hug cos he was sad. he lost everything on the Bengals. i lost everything on the Bengals. what was i thinking? Hollywood always beats Cinderella. bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

5. what do you wish you had paid attention to? 

i wish i had paid my corner bookie...

also, i wish there was a way to know if someone is the one, like you look at their eyes and their pupils turn into the thumbs-up emoji. 

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

$2 MILLION SUPER BOWL TICKETS

 

notes:

* Jacques Pepin: it's not a Valentine's Day dinner unless you eat it on a stone by a raging river.

* Tommy Lee: the reason i drum upside-down is Pam Anderson said Julian Assange tortures this way. have a heart, Eddie Vedder.

* Lindsey Jacobellis: the reason you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about my private life, who i'm fucking who i'm not, is after my hot dog i decided to go vegan. know how i got my naturally curly hair? Pantene like Kelly LeBrock.

* Made in Abyss animators: we are not obsessed with penises. i mean what were we supposed to do? the little girl's shirt had vomit on it.

* Takahashi: youtube has forever divided people, divided all of us forever, into creators and commenters.

* Honey Nut Cheerios bee: yeah it was me. i need to make my cereal GOOD!!! i did it in Pennsylvania, next to that long-winded lake with the 100-mph winds. 

* Deirdre Fitzpatrick: Fitz Butt. look it up. not a cola.

* Steve Martin: there's a class struggle in Planes Trains and Automobiles. how does a rich man talk to a poor man? 

John Candy: well let's call me middle-class.

Steve: turns out guys are guys. we're all crude. 

John: and funny. with wives who die under mysterious circumstances. with trunks. except your trunk is an actual elephant.

* Mikaela Shiffrin: i finished. that's enough. i'm enough. that's my wish for every human cos i don't pray. yeah i congratulated all the women but it was hard to see 3 other women on that podium.

* Tom Petty: the Into The Great Wide Open video. i play the tattoo artist at the beginning, that's me, you didn't catch that the first time around, you need to see the music video with a brand-new Super Bowl widescreen tv.

* Madame Pons: the most discouraging thing in life is when you think you're a match with someone and they disregard you like yesterday's paper. like that one chick where we discussed the noir Laura. she even sent me a Laura gif. she's in the business, too! perfect!!! but she never talked to me again, no idea why. iuvec iodine. and that one beautiful ravenhaired Monica woman that i was SURE we'd be scene partners in a play we'd write together. i could show her the ins and outs of the new Kodak camera and she can wax nostalgic about Bradley Cooper cos i don't get it.

Brooke Trantor: ...

Brooke Trantor: sorry. next time i won't enter your Insta Stories looks by accident.

Pons: you've entered but you've never spoken to or responded to me once. why? shy? or have i done something wrong by engaging you. what's the point of eternal silence?

Janene Meyer: don't count out an old chick just yet. yeah it's been 5 years but i'm back baby. just give me some vegetation, some sunshine by those orange trees by the Super Bowl stadium during an L.A. heatwave and i'm juicin again, i got the grove elixir.

Pons: i mean we're not talking about a fountain of youth here, this is RISING FROM THE DEAD!!! imagine if you think a nice lady you know is dead, maybe from cancer maybe from covid. you go about the rest of your life snoop-hangdog. and then out of the blue all of a sudden in five years time she enters your those who gave your Insta Stories a look. casually. nonchalantly. with a "hey". i thought you were dead.

Janene: ...

Pons: okay oranjmuse, let's continue our discussion of Belladonna of Sadness...

* The Noid: i've gone over to the dark side. i'm a delivery person now. a delivery clay-person. well all i did was order the pizza to myself.

* Walmart: can a company force you to live a better life? it can if it's Walmart. it can if it sells you those gigantic peaches with the pit in heavy sauce in that 50-pound blown-glass tureen in which the skinned shiny glistening peaches are IMPOSSIBLE to get out unless you have a spoon AND a knife.

* Discovery Love Off The Grid

bear: i thought i was gonna find love on this show. in these times the only way to find your soul mate is on a reality show. i did not sign up for the toilet next to the stove.

* WhatsApp

rude mailman: i'm being an asshole to prove a point. i opened your mail cos the juice in vaping sticks causes clinical depression. but they're sold as lollipops. want a smaller lollipop?

* It Tastes Like Chicken

Dirg: boo! bad commercial. not accurate, there was never a purple alien on Star Trek.

* Samsung

hockey goalie: HEAVY-METAL DRUMMING CALMS ME DOWN!!! but everyone in this commercial is selfish and just doing it for themselves. except the guy cleaning the oceans.

* Matthew McConaughey: space is boring. everyone will have a flying Jetsons bubble-car in five years. that strangely won't be electric. it's time for monastery gardeners to have my mustache. the new frontier is HERE. and it's Earth. yeah i know that's a boring thought, sorry.

* VISA: only promise to have a ski mountain COVERED in skiers and sledders and sliders and mobilers and boarders and pole-ers, Olympians and Paraolympians alike, if the forecast calls for a mess of birds to drop out of the sky from an unknown location.

* Chloe Kim: i'm legal. now i can watch that Family Guy episode...

* Delta: when you win at something, a game or a sport or a board game, you raise up your arms, that's a universal symbol that all languages understand. that came from the women's volleyball team at dank UCLA in the '70s. unless you're an old man who gets humiliated by a 5-year-old girl in chess, then you put your hands in your pockets. dresses have pockets now. or you're a sled hockeyplayer in which case you toss the losing side's net into the stands. we all want to fly but you have to be angry to fly.

* Toyota

field athlete: are the Olympics corrupt? yes. but sports made me LOVE MYSELF for the first time. only specifically Olympic sports. i don't have a disability, i love just fine.

CLICK HERE FOR SUPER BOWL SLIDERS

happy weekend, my babies

to end-around the Super Bowl pizza shortage i'm getting the Cantina chicken tacos at Taco Bell along with that Cool Ranch one. not the blue shell, the blue sauce. call me during the third quarter... 

HALFMONK: HELLO, CRUEL WORLD (SERIOUS CANDY)

 

me: i'm becoming a monk. again. i know i know, but this time it'll stick. it has to. i'm joining the Order of the Camel Eye in Big Sur. i even remember the wood bungalow i stayed at last time, i want that same shack that hangs above the woods. should be an easy enough trip, i have no one to say goodbye to. i just take a short plane ride to the bridge hanging between two oceans. is what i would say and do if i had an airport ticket. i don't fly not cos i'm scared, but cos it's expensive. cos i have no job.

me: a car? a car? i've never had a car. too afraid to drive. nerves. that leaves me with the most writerly thing to transport on, the train. so i book my train ticket by getting my hand bit by a noble grey dog. i scootch into the glass cabin in the butt of the train and i'm relaxed for the first time in days. i can daze, bark at the birds, close my eyes, bury my head in the sofa, warm myself by the fireplace. and think of that scene from Nymphomaniac.

me: but it's not up to me. my caboose partner is Liam Neeson. i was hoping to catch a few winks standing up. Liam inhales the smoke from the crack pipe he's smoking, perching it upon his lips after each pronunciation. puffing as he regales his tale. but Liam's cool tho, i love him.

Liam: hoping to sleep in?

me: ...

Liam Neeson: man the shite i've been through. i mean why am i known for tough-guy roles? i want to play more loving single fathers. i was compassionate once, during WWII. i will not watch the Olympic downhill. i want to be compassionate again. she made me love again, she saw my soft side when my wife and ex-wives didn't, they only saw my eyes at divorce court.

me: who was she?

Liam: Barty. Ash Barty. of course Barty! look at her she's a goddessistic vision! but she was TAKEN if you know what i mean.

me: boyfriend? husband? secret lesbian paramour?

Liam: Ash was married to the state. of Australia. and her own inner happiness. 

Ash Barty: gotta admit, you get flattered when a movie star with an accent takes an interest in you. that's never happened to me before. usually i just bounce around a few tennis balls in my room. but it was too much.

me: i get it.

Liam: i was so sad i turned to drugs. not a Skins party, i just want to go to a Barty Party. so the Biden Administration mailed me this crack pipe. i voted for Biden the next day in the next election FROM Australia mind you. the crack helps with my depression, eases me in and out.

Liam Neeson LEAPS from the train with a girl on his arm.

Liam Neeson: oh yeah, forgot, meet my arm candy. 

it's Halle Berry.

Halle Berry: i won an Oscar, why i gotta be silent in that Caesars Sportsbook commercial?!!!

Liam: i'll never get over Barty.

the entire United States delegation at the Beijing Winter Olympics consists of Bob Costas carrying a Chuck E Cheese flag. Bob is so tiny the camera doesn't catch him.

Bob Costas: where is Deirdre Fitzpatrick's butt?

Bob Costas: ...and now the Olympic torch is being handed off to.........Peng Shuai...

Suzy Lu: i REALLY became popular during 2020 cos everybody in the world had nothing else to do but watch me on youtube.

Dirg: oh come on!!! i watched that Demon Slayer train movie out of the goodness of my own heart and now toonami won't show Season 2 so it was all for nothing!!!

Dirg: you gotta watch out online, it's "love this song" not "love this dong".

Bob Costas: every Olympian is tested. tested everyday. by the course. by the track. by the jump. by their fellow Olympians. by the drug lords. by covid.

Dr Sanjay Gupta: hey no spitting! this is a hospital not a spital!

Tara dressed in an all-blue jumpsuit: if you do your taxes with Intuit, you get me as a deductible.

Tony Robbins: aren't i a lil stinker? aren't i a sly devil? it was ME, I hooked Nina Dobrev up with Shaun White. that is my greatest accomplishment in life, not whether or not some nobody picks themself off the sticky street.

Nina Dobrev at the The Good Earth restaurant: you don't know what Vampire Diaries is?

Shaun White sticking the bread in his ears like muffs: afraid not. i was busy training during those ears. rad bread by the way.

Nina: oh it's just some dumb show that gets a billion screaming fans for no reason.

Lindsey Vonn: i'm the most sexually-open athlete in the public eye of all time. i'm public-sphere sex. sphere sex. i'm an open book. 

Shenmue the Animation: those Double Dragon anime vibes, right? and that vaporwave mail-letter stamp.

Dirg: i thought the back of the jacket was a chicken, not a tiger.

Laertus's dad: this takes place in 1986. so it's a period piece. and i'm officially old.

Federer: i don't want to join my friend Juan Martin del Potro in EVERYTHING.

Emmy Rossum: the mystery of Angelyne is not who's on the billboard, the mystery of Angelyne is how i got those tits!!!!!!!!!!!

Kamila Valiyeva: my secret? those Brian Boitano hands in the air straight up when i jump. i'm 15 years old, i'm too YOUNG to take drugs!!!

Dirg: when the curler Stefania Constantini starts barking orders in Italian i wish i was into BDSM.

Stefania Constantini: i'm still young. i'm still a bit naive about my looks. i still wear glasses.

Marguerite Martin: i had fun.

International Olympic Commitee: gotta have sexy skijumpers...

Germany: we are beside ourself. right next to Switzerland.

xfinity/Peacock commercial

Nathan Chen: are you Lily?

Lily: yes. look at my smile. that's the most genuinely endearing smile you'll ever see, ever come across in this cynical world, as you travel on this cynical cyclical planet. not a note of artifice, it's a teenage girl's first crush. you can't fake that.

Nathan Chen: by ice.

Jacques Pepin: i won a bronze on the Olympic downhill in the '70s. they called me Alpine Allons-y. but it was at Squaw Valley so nevermind.

Eileen Gu: everyone hates me cos i give off those AOC vibes.

Cecily Strong: that's when you know you've made it on Broadway, when your stage has electronics equipment. an NFL instant-replay button. a black-and-white tv screen. not just wood.

Yuzuru Hanyu: honestly i missed that quad deliberately, i want my life back, man. yeah i got a hole in my soul but that's only cos i like math rock.

Laertus: hate to let you in on this, Dirg, but the Mystic Society is from Alabama.

Dirg: Illuminati in the South? no way i don't believe it.

Trent Reznor: ...

Al Michaels from the wood balcony: the Miracle On Ice wasn't that much of a miracle, i mean it WAS played on home ice.

Alana Haim: Suzy Lu referred me to her dentist...

Eye Luggage in a log cabin in the trees: what were we talking about again?

Abraham Lincoln: i kept letters inside my stovepipe hat. i never turned those letters into Care Bears.

Eye: Planes Trains and Automobiles and go.

John Hughes: see? i can do no teens.

Steve Martin: i consider this the opus of my life, privileged, i got to work with the legendary John Candy before he croaked.

John Candy: i'm gonna come back from the dead and haunt you, Martin Steve. your last name is Steve. you're gonna kiss a frog thinking it's a princess and that frog will be me.

John Candy: the reason i died was because i never burped once in my life.

Laila Robins: why aren't i more famous? i'm sexy as fuck. my little brother Tony told me i wasn't on the right life path so i got him a bottle of Lemon Pledge for Christmas.

Michael McKean: and they still approach me on the street and ask me why i wasn't in Fargo.

Kevin Bacon: at this point in my career i was smelling the bacon, not the rolls.

Olivia Burnette: omg remember me? i was the first Disney teen your son did it to. remember that glasses guy with the big toothy smile and shiny blond bowlcut on my Torkelsons show? no he didn't do the sequel like all of us did, the Snorks live-action movie, he went on to sell perfume with Nelly's blowjob doll.

Lee Norris: i'm not a dork no more, you bitch. i am not Chanel West Coast. i am Jerry Supiran.

Will Smith: reboot? nah. unless you gift me a vending machine of Magnum condoms.

Kevin Hart: i just did. and i sent it to Jada. 

Steve Martin: no way this whole thing takes place in two days. what are your looking at, sir?

boss: i'm turning this Chanel ad upside down to get to the vulva. 

Steve: that's her nose, sir.

John Candy: i'm the third man. i should've just let you have the cab, i hated being in New York anyway. being homeless in New York is no picnic.

John: Peter Griffin was based on me, that's why that Family Guy spoof episode of this film is so organic.

Steve: you sell the shower experience?

Federer in Tokyo: ...

John: rainfall showerheads. everyone thinks they're expensive but all you have to do is buy the head not the whole system. ten bucks at Home Depot.

Ben Stein: i've been an airport screener and a teacher, i really need to start getting appreciated for my job, so i'm looking into Wall Street... 

Diana Dill: i bribed Kirk Douglas with my pickle.

Laertus: i mean that intense scene is so awkward and hurtful and sad. when Steve lays into John. you can see the utter pain on John's face. don't knock barf bags, Steve, they can save your life when an airbag fails.

John Candy: *crying* i like me. i'm compassionate like Liam Neeson. my wife likes me, she said so 8 years ago on our first date.

Boc: so many things wrong with these sequences of scenes here that are considered the movie's hallmarks. first the underwear scene, that's just fat-shaming. and the thing with the buttock cheeks not being a pillow, and degaying with a Bears game, i mean that's homophobia for laughs. quintessentially '80s.

John: at least we had a nice meal at the IHOP when Miami was still not crazy. 

Steve Martin and John Candy sit with Charles Dickens on the train.

Charles Dickens: it changed me. when that train crashed, i shouldn't have survived. but i took it as a blessing and i wrote King Lear. i saved everyone onboard and became the inspiration for Hercule Poirot. it changed my life, i couldn't drive, nerves. i became bothered and isolated. luckily the first brothel opened up in London. life hack: don't inhale train smoke.

Tom Hanks: the crash won't kill ya but the train smoke will.

Laertus's dad: only in the '80s could you see two punk kids making out in public on a bus. i saw it and was jealous.

Dirg: the Flintstones theme, of course, they couldn't use anything else. there weren't a lot of songs back then, there wasn't the clog of channels there are now, the glut of cable entertainment.

Eye: i gotta say these departures are killing me, each one when the fellas don't work it out and leave each other. two fellows rather. 

Steve, angrily: why are you away from your wife and kids?!!!

John: cos you killed them.

Steve: fucking rental car!!!

Puddy from Seinfeld: what seems to be the problem? you have to ask in a soothing voice like mine.

Edie McClurg: gobble gobble. fuck is not a funny word. fuck is a very serious word.

John Hughes: as you can see i'm REALLY into those punches to the camera.

Laertus: okay i gotta admit, the freeway scene is HIGHlarious. the backwards driving, and that fucking SPIN!!! that SPIN is laugh-out-loud funny! like it was done in Claymation or something!!! hilarious.

John: well at least we know the glovebox works. kept those cigarette butts nice and tight and locked. and warm.

Portishead: ...

cabbie in Christmas-lit cab: i thought you'd like to take the scenic route. aren't you that Chevy guy who killed his whole family by driving backwards?

Laertus's dad: oh my god, CREDIT CARD IMPRINTER!!! so classic! the swipe! swiper swiper!

John: sorry, Steve, i didn't know that credit cards melt. 

John: i'm okay in the cold, i got a lot of blubber. my wife, i'll never see you again. at least not for a LOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG time, hint hint.

Mardith: i must admit, those little tiny motel bottles of alcohol are not enough.

John: remember, friend, family is everything. family is the only thing. you can sell pizza by the road but you still have a wife at home who loves you.

Cooper Hoffman: i REALLY gotta call Alana Haim on the curly phone.

Steve: my wife she thinks i'm seeing other women on this unusual unexpected trip and will divorce me upon arrival when i get home. that was a deleted scene.

Dirg: see? more redneck discrimination, more redneck abuse, making fun of the slow in America. not all hicks are like that, EVERYONE chews their tobacco like that, even on Madison Avenue. they chew it like gum, build up a large wad, then spit it out to break the dam. it becomes a lake of saliva, that one in western Pennsylvania that has that Indian name of 45 or 63 letters.

John Candy: i've secured a trucker to take us home. don't worry he's not Canadian.

Tyzik: okay this is WEIRD, have you ever seen a movie do this? there is an actual RECAP of the movie at the end! recycling old scenes the audience has just seen! it's like a bad episode of anime!

Rubikon: i can't hate, i didn't see that coming. that surprise landed and LASTED all these years for me as someone who never saw this. the wife being dead the whole time all along, that got me. 

Madame Pons: John Candy plays a serious role SO well, i feel so bad for Del, Del has the most tragic life. there's something about fat guys with pornstaches that brings out the pathos. 

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: ooooh, see how Laila Robins greets the wayward passengers? game recognize game. Neal's wife has that SMOKY voice, very sexy and loungesingery. she would get it. very milfy.

Steve Martin: two questions remain unresolved: who was your wife?

John Candy: Edie McClurg.

Steve Martin: and what the fuck was in that trunk?!!!

John Candy: a body. don't worry, not my wife's body.

John Candy: one left. once again it's left to me. i'm the king of the sequel. so how would the sequel to this go? it'd be two hours of me trying to bang Steve's wife. hey i'm a grieving widower cut me some slack.

Michael Weiss wearing plaid on ice: now when you go home from college and discuss politics with your uncle you can never again say that a Thanksgiving movie does not exist. g'night folks.

i get clogged. so i call the abbot up on the curly phone at the Amtrak station.

abbot: are you satisfied with your mode of transport?

me: i'm exhibiting the sadface emoji in real life. what's with these truckers?

abbot: ah the joys of living in a monastery, no more politics to contend with ever again.

me: i mean it's one thing to block the interstate, but the train tracks? i've lost all sympathy for their cause. when you mess with my peace you get my war.

Highway Thru Hell guys: hey we're not a part of this!!! we have to CLEAN UP this mess afterwards!!! with our trucks. don't know why it's thru and not through.

Melissa: we're building a truck that runs only on maple syrup.

Chad: sticky gas tank if you know what i mean.

Melissa: and mops for tires.

me: i'll see you in a few. weeks.

i finally make it here and can't wait to collapse on my straw bed. the abbot knocks on my cottage door at the edge of the forest.

abbot: call me Butt. i just think it's novel, abbot, a butt. it's funny and ironic and knowing for a man of the cloth.

me: okay, Butt, but i'm not in the mood. for jokes. listen i don't want to go into the logistics. the moving in. the luggage. the furniture. i just want to be settled. in my life.

Butt: our roof is being remodeled. it's being done. redone, replaced. the roofers started today. there's gonna be a LOT OF CONTINUAL NOISE for two weeks.

me: monastery noise?!!! great. doesn't it take 3-5 days to roof a roof? how do you cope?

Butt: it makes our prayers stronger. during praytime we focus the mind not to focus on the noise, good practice for the real world. why are you here?

me: the real world. it's too much.

i notice Maiara Walsh sitting down in the center of the jungle on my first gander at the view from my balcony. i wave to her, she waves back and smiles so genuinely it alters the rays of the sun.

me: nice to see a friendly face. how's the circus coming?

Maiara: it's a circus. i think i'll try spirituality next. 5 cents for advice, that sort of thing. how hard is it to be a life coach? why is it so hard for the world to understand? we are all ONE. we are all in this thing together. this existence thing. of course we help one another cos we're actually helping ourselves, it's the only way TO help. we're all parts of the same organism, pieces in search of a plug. we help each other with jobs, auditions, car rides, part-time work, gatekeepers. we find the opportunities for others. 

Mesay in a joker jumpsuit: your eyes...

Maiara: enough about my eyes.

Mesay: okay then i have to pee.

Maiara: this saucer is special! this bowl is beautiful it's not for just number one! wanna sit on my jazz toilet that's out in the middle of the jungle outside?

Mickey Rooney: ...

me: maybe some other time. inspiration has struck.

i set up my easel on the balcony of my cell. adjust the blank beige board. i get out my sleds of fingerpaint watercolors. and begin painting. painting Jennifer Pizarro by moonlight.

 

TMIT: VERY MICHELANGELO

 

as i'm typing this the roofers are building a new roof on the monastery. ladders, lasers, the good not evil saw, trucks on lawns, portapotties on the neighbors' lawns, electric pipes, hammers, nails, drills, attics, blue Dodger tarps, and one plastic protractor. and contractor. the contraction of a contractor's heart of love. and palpitations. constant noise, i'm a little distracted, please pray for us and the scaredy cats under the bed.

1. how do you survive an intimacy famine? Intimacy Famine, that was my band in college.

how do i survive not getting any? i go up to the desert to meditate. there i see two visions, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and Steve Blum who know how to do love right, those two are hot n heavy on twitter. lots of pics. pics of waterfalls and everything. that's a waterfall not a mirage.

i go up to them and ask if anyone's seen my uncle who went to the bank when the roofers came. just to see if there's enough in the account. MEMc and Steve Blum answer me in whale. that's okay, i say, and then i just want to borrow from them five dollars for a piece of pizza.

2. the loss of which of these would most affect your mental health or outlook on life?

a) loss of physical intimacy

b) loss of emotional intimacy

putlock? my mood would improve if Putlocker ever came back. emotional. i am so emotional, i take after my mom, and my dad when it comes to writing about emotion. btw there is a real crisis in this world when it comes to mental health. THIS is the underreported pandemic. a lot of people who go missing never to be heard from again...

i mean if i just wanted to fuck there's an orgy every Friday night at the monstery after the Eucharist is handed out. i pray that one day The Major from Ghost In The Shell walks through that double-door.

as a monk i simply MUST know what robot sex is. cybersex as in sex with a cyber animatronic babe with a fully-human body and a brain much sharper than mine.

3. give us a tip on how to get more intimacy in our day-to-day lives.

you gotta get off the computer. go outside. catch a Dodgers game. accidentally touch the Starbucks girl's pinkie as you exchange money at the barista counter, that happens to me everytime. and then go back home and watch Days of Our Lives and copy everything Stefano does to acquire love.

4. do you think modern technology helps or hinders intimacy? it's complicated.

on the one hand the computer will never be your friend, you can't touch and caress a computer. unless she's The Major. no matter how much you like the person on the other end of the online there's a certain element of air and ether to the whole thing, none of this mattering unless you two actually do meet in person.

on the other hand, if it were not for the computer, you never would have been able to meet CERTAIN people. you're not gonna bump into Julia Roberts on the sunglare street despite that Pretty Woman scene down Sunset. the access these days is a blessing. you can slip a comment to Kathrine Narducci telling her how much you love her acting on Euphoria and her Nike art philosophy and she responds to you in real time on her Insta Live! you just couldn't do such things in the '80s, you'd have to wait three days in a long line at a convention in sweltering Anaheim for a factory-issue autographed B&W photo of the star at a card table.

5. would you utilize the services of a professional cuddler?

OH MY GOD I WANT TO BE A PROFESSIONAL CUDDLER!!! i mean right? is that not the best job ever? except for pro Nintendo player. pro bandleader. pro cardplayer who only plays Hearts not Poker. pro tennis hacker. person who works at Toys R Us cos you get the Tenderheart Care Bear first before the customers.

with the rise of the cold internet and the eroding of person-to-person contact in society a slew of strange new unusual jobs are hitting the market. never-before-seen jobs. it's not just a Japan thing anymore! i would be the best cuddler, instead of that scene in Planes Trains and Automobiles where Steve Martin's butt is in the grubby hands of John Candy thinking it's a pillow, i'd want my clients to be relaxed and hug my butt except instead of my butt it's Tenderheart Bear...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

NATHAN CHEN'S GOT THIS

 

notes:

* Gladyce: Doryce dear, next time you wash your face, use warm water instead of cold, your face will thank you.

Doryce: i'm using HOT, i saw a wrinkle.

* Suzy Lu: in future i want to be a biter in bed.

* Stephen A Smith: yes my favorite movie is 2001: A Space Odyssey.

* Sam Spade: who knew San Francisco was this dark?

* Phoenix on a forklift: i was never a Sega guy. but i'm glad Shenmue is finally finishing its story.

* Sue Bird: i'm waiting for the magical number of 42...

* Cecily Strong: my tits are big enough to accommodate any sized penis. i baby it in my bosom. i cradle the cock in my breasts. 

Rebecca De Mornay: cradle?

* Eric Stoltz: there's anger on assembly lines. you know where i learned that? no not from John Hughes, from "My Global Mind" by Queensryche.

Phoenix: Promised Land by Queensryche is the warmest album of all time. that album is a 100% cradle of warmth.

* Rocco DiSpirito: i've been dispirited. with Zucker gone when do i get my show The Restaurant back? i disappeared off the face of the Earth despite being hunky...

* Planet Fitness

Jane Krakowski: it's all natural, baby. au naturel. the bagel that is, no cream cheese for these thighs. i don't need youtube culture deciding what i do with my body. my career has been PERFECT. sublime. except for one thing, i want to go back and redo my National Lampoon's Vacation character and make her an eco warrior.

* Taco Bell: you can get potatoes! but it's tricky. you have to scroll EXACTLY so it lands precisely on the potato emoji. if not we take your phone. also, this is false advertising, laundromats don't exist anymore, we only use them when we're selling purple nostalgia.

* Ferrero Rocher: imagine you're on a rooftop, you have your whole life ahead of you. the bridge lights up in dots, it's Paris...or New York or wherever. as you bite into a chocolate your tooth cracks, but you can fill it into a gold tooth cos you've suddenly won the lottery.

* Safelite

woman: i'm a native of this area. a photog. who writes stories on computers. jane journalism. i noticed a crack in my windshield, i was gonna call Safelite but the crack was a perfect Cross so i left it. later i noticed the Grand Canyon was a big giant dusty hole. until it was filled with gold, my gold. the hole is filled now, it's a gold hole. i unexpectedly won the lottery. the Grand Canyon is now named Tierra Del Oro after me and my tax babe dressed in all-blue.

* Walter the cat: i really go unappreciated around here. i'm a miracle! i'm the only cat who ever lived who likes to dig for bones. dog bones. if not that stranded hiker would have been a Jack Nicholson ice cube by now. i have friends in high places. and i'm not just talking about Everest. i'm talking about Mlem and Blep.

* Jason Bateman: it's not a REAL electric car unless it's that '90s European model that looks like an IKEA box.

* OT Genasis: you look real good today.

boy on bike: yeah thanks for the song. but i strolled past the chica reading under the tree and she didn't even lift her head to glance at me, i'm a rider what gives?

OT Genasis: you gotta have an E.T. on your bike.

* Priyanka Jonas: ever wonder what people do on their phones? banking, not porn. like take that wedding photographer over there, he's sick of the rat race and wants to get zen, hang a Morning Meditations pencil sketching up in his newly reopened finally-furbished zen studio in Woodland Hills that had to be fumigated after the last guy.

van Gogh: what's the difference between sketching and etching? it's a matter of life or death. my death, either/or.

MC Escher: i just use an Etch A Sketch.

CLICK HERE TO WIN THE PRO BOWL

happy weekend, my babies

i'm not feeling the Winter Olympics. at least not yet. they haven't HIT me yet, you know? perhaps tonight they will. but it only works if they hit me TOMORROW night...

what's with the tiny hidden flame in the Olympic cauldron? that big snowflake's gonna put it out!!!

TOMORROW: gotta go with the Junior, they're offering up hamburgers selling their meat as Bacon Beasts. if i can't get the beast with two backs i can at least get some bacon.

HOLLYWOODLAND HOTEL: AFTER AFTRA (THE COST OF CARE)

 

Rita Moreno: i like your tits.

Jessica Chastain: thanks. but they're just mom-tits, you know? warm and caring, point down. they called me Jessica Chestain at St. Cyril's in Encino.

Rita: no i said i like your dress. why is Steven Spielberg always late? he said he'd be my driver like he was for Annette Funicello. Sunset streets, snaking driveways, concrete, ya feel me, vata? i'm too old for this shit. Brando owes me for LIFE, i won my fourth in the quadfecta fair and square! Marlon had NOTHING to do with that Tony!!!

Tony Soprano: Brando beat me up good, that's how i learned.

Takahashi: what's with it with all these white folk suddenly celebrating Chinese New Year on facebook?

Hartnell College: matriculate here so you can drop out of college and join a thrash band...

Laertus: don't name the new manly We Bare Bears character Chad, you just DON'T want to go down that road.

Bridget Fonda: where have i been you ask? the The Outfield "Your Love" music video, painting Michael Jackson's face, sawed-off guitars, that sort of thing.

Crazy Horse Restaurant: this is the perfect representation of corporate shit. we were a happenin' place in Monterey. we had a stone grill! we had the whole Paris vibe thing going! a Dionysian marble statue of a naked goat girl! and then some corporate hack swoops in and turns it into bland and banal Urban Kitchen salad bar full of turkey cups and one squirt-bottle of dressing. the banality of corporate greed at its finest.

Bootsy Bellows: next to a dentist's on Sunset...

The Art of Elysium: i know we have a really really really really Illuminati-looking symbol but we're fine, we do good works.

Samuel Lewis: i was a cartographer, i didn't map Hollywood...

Cherry Bean: good coffee, nothing more.

Guy Fieri: i mean my middle name is Ramsay, so...

Museveni: Mussolini...

Lars von Trier: i could take Rory McIlroy at the British Open...

Madame Pons: i'm an introvert so i make for the perfect stay-at-home mom.........to my soap babies.

red-haired girl from the vaping commercial: everybody loves me cos when i speak my voice is 100% pure sincerity. i sound like a sober Cyndi Lauper. and i can break peanuts still in the shell in two with my ass.

Ezra Croft: it's weird that i'm only known by that one quote. i've actually never met Bill Murray. nor the Tomb Raider.

Eric Stoltz: if Michael J Fox were on Caprica we would have gotten a second season. i had to sign an NDA as a kid, that's why i've never talked about Back To The Future. i should star in a movie with Crispin Glover as my little brother...

Gayle King: i'm the last person on Earth to still have empathy for celebrities.

Gary Kroeger on an extended SNL hiatus-break: i'm focusing on Evangeline Lilly's anti-vaccinism cos.........well she's kinda pretty.

Melissa Villasenor: send the California Redwoods to me, i'll grab em, i'll protect them. i'm Indigenous. Mexican rice is not the same thing as Spanish rice.

Alison Sieke does the Drop-It Challenge at the L.A. Arte Fair.

Alison, sweaty: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS queen.

NoizeBoy: you talkin to me? what's that smell?

Alison: rump roast.

NoizeBoy: it's just weird smelling meat at a gallery.

Alison: you gotta drop your rump down LOW to the waxed floor. give it a go, boy.

NoizeBoy: i have no butt.

Jillian Clare: yep.

Alison: oh come on let yourself GO man. drop low low LOW. let your butt squish a bubbler, cover a water fountain. show your butt to that bird in the nest over up there.

Snoop Dogg: ...

Snoop Dogg: i'm just admirin' my man over here. i got a Super Bowl to plan for i mean drive...

Michael J Fox: it's not so easy to plan for a time-traveling pirate ship...

Alison: don't you feel lighter? freer? higher?

NoizeBoy: i do actually. what do you call this invisible pill?

Alison: dropping everything.

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn in Hawaii under a floating sandbank.

Mary: hey kids know how i got my inimitable smoky-lounge-singer voice? wasn't from smoking. listen to the whale sounds just now, did you hear them?

kids: amazing! zing! we see, you attuned your voice after that whale.

MEM: no my voice sounds like a woman who just swallowed water trying to escape a camouflaged blue whale.

kids: how are we able to hear her? she's wearing a scuba mask.

Michael J Fox: ...

Madame Pons and Gladyce are at The Store ostensibly to do the grocery shopping but the two old biddies look more like they're rummaging an antiques sale.

Madame Pons: where's your partner in crime?

Gladyce: never mind her, dearie, you're in training.

Pons: big sigh. i know but gosh i'm nervous. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!! look at those over there! in the fishnets! they're knockoff cheap copies of my bath bombs! they're selling these chalky balls like they're the real thing. one even claims to turn into liquid smoke, as if! 

Gladyce: breathe, bitch. i mean dear. there there let me rub your back. pat your back? slap your back?

Tom Brady: i didn't mention them cos Gisele hates the snow...

Gladyce: you gotta learn to control your emotions, that's part of being a crone.........have you seen the name?

Pons: Rank. Rank? RANK?!!! come on!!!

Tom Cruise: we kept-boys gotta stick together. but i could never wear a pimp-ass large silver engraved ingrained medallion on my necklace for Chinese New Year, i'm just not that cool.

Mardith: call it Lunar New Year, covers everything...

Minnie Mouse: i have to wear a pantsuit now. i have to look professional at the office, i'm a working mom.

Mickey Mouse: we have kids?

Laertus: okay now see that's more like it. the We Bare Bears munchkins talk about how it's bad to be the alpha bear, the alpha bear's a big jerk who doesn't listen to feelings.

Lando Calrissian: i'm like Kenan Thompson with a mustache.

Biden: i'm Biden. i abide. my predecessor had a lot of useful allies uh useful idiots...

Sean Penn: people who have real jobs aren't on facebook.

Thandie Newton: but you're on facebook all the time. haven't you ever considered caregivers? you blithering idiot.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Chevy Chase: the music in National Lampoon's Vacation was like something out of American Bandstand, Battle of the Network Stars, a game show.

Lindsey Buckingham: ...

Eye: The Care Bears Movie and go.

Mickey Rooney: is it FINALLY my turn to go?!!! how old am i here?!!!

Nelvana: folk got screwed. there was a lot of screwing around going around. parties screwed other parties. when the dust cleared a lot of feelings were hurt. a lot of companies lost billions and their agency. some were able to scrounge enough working to feed their families they could pay for a ticket to the Disney bus. it was all so confusing back in the '80s, we had to ship out parts to South Korea but the North Korean animators ended up doing the bulk of the work.

Nelvana: we had NO IDEA this thing would make BILLIONS at the box office!!! we were as surprised as your children!!! we made shaky handshake deals in bathrooms and signed on the flimsy dotted line of cardboard and we all got screwed out of millions while one Canadian made off with all the money. all the lute, that Luter!

Trudeau: don't look at me, i don't drive a truck.

Kurt Cobain: i am the new CEO of Nelvana...

Laertus's dad: okay everyone this is my purview, let's all just close our eyes for ten minutes, sansana our heavy eyelids, and just coast on our mats, yogaing in space. the space of your mind. that's it. is everyone relaxed?

Dirg: even me.

Laertus's dad: i mean as i think back, this was THE move. this was the one everyone talked about in line with their milk card. under the brick hallways. sure the Pound Puppies movie had the same hype, but only with the girls at St. Cyril's in Encino, they waited in line in their blue pleated skirts with their strawberry-milk cards.

Laertus's dad: i remember one especially VERY moment specifically: it was of me and the little redhaired girl with the fro and black eyes who would later audition for the '80s Annie movie, Colleen Cooper. she introduced me to all this shit behind the bleachers. except in the '80s there were no bleachers, and thankfully no bleacher reports. only stone stairs. she got me into the dolls, i had to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of those damn bears!!! i didn't know what was inside their stomachs, i thought each of those symbols was a different drug, a magic speedball of LSD.

Laertus: you were quite the precocious child weren't you dad.

Laertus's dad: it was like meth. i went without, i skipped meals, i made dinner then threw it in the can, just so i could be light enough to take the bus alone to Toys R Us at night. i didn't even use the Care Bears as pillows for my head, i just had to HAVE them on my shelf. adults in the room, please share your experiences.

Madame Pons: oh yeah i remember Care Bears. my favorite was Tenderheart. remember TENDERHEART?!!! yeah Tenderheart became the de-facto SYMBOL of ALL the Care Bears, that evil munchkin. evil cos he was always SOLD OUT!!! not a Tenderheart anywhere to be found in Encino. or California.

crones: oh we loved those bears, well Gladyce would BUY those bears for Doryce for bedtime of course.

Doryce: you would?

Gladyce: yes, dear, you were too young you don't remember. i got my wrinkly ass out of bed at 4AM, cos i hear a giraffe in my good ear. 

Doryce: i faintly recall the yellow one with the sun on its stomach. Funshine Bear, yeah, i loved him, or her? cos Funshine sounded like LSD.

Funshine Bear: i was never recalled.

Rubikon: it is so bizarre to analyze this film with 40 years of water under the bridge, to see just how the fuck it was allowed to be made in the first place. i mean consider the previous decade, the '70s was the arena for experimental film, when art was art, stretching the boundaries of time, space, and paint, of what was acceptable. actors and indie filmmakers willing to die for their art, to film up the hole, to be naked for no reason, to mix technicolor with terrible human emotion. it was great grit and grime and then here comes the most glossy cuddly piece of fluff you could ever imagine. and it WORKED!!!

Laertus: yeah i think it worked cos audiences had never seen anything quite like this, this was the FIRST time there was a blatant bald commercialization of a TOY. this is the first toyetic enterprise. a movie whose sole purpose in life is to sell toys. it was this garish piece of americana kitsch and people couldn't get enough. i mean once you find Tenderheart you GOTTA get the rest, right? the Garbage Pail Kids took note.

Laertus: and the Garbage Pail Kids came up with their own GOOD movie!!!

Rubikon: they had the balls to try it. or rather the stomachs to try it. they couldn't leave greeting cards alone.

Mr. Cherrywood: i'm Nicholas. sorry. now gather round, children, and let me tell you about that time as a kid i took a whole bunch of LSD...

orphans: see? Mr. Cherrywood as a kid was just like us!

Mrs. Cherrywood: Nick, whoops!, sorry. just don't excite the kids too much before bedtime, they still need to brush their teeths.

Mr. Cherrywood: i appreciate you calling us middle-aged rather than old...

Laertus's dad: Care-a-Lot, Camelot, i swear i only got that NOW!

crones: okay well we do like the St. Patrick's bear. and the one with a cupcake on its stomach, reminds us of all the kids and their rotting teeth that we encounter later in life to bargain with with dimes.

Kim and Jason: yeah we're jerks at the beginning, how would YOU feel if your parents just got crushed in a car accident!!! by the way it's never explicitly stated HOW our parents died, or even if they died, we're just two surly kids walking alone in a park. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, that's the message to give all those tykes watching us right now down below there climbing the theater seats, you are so lucky to be little, you're safe in the cocoon of your parents' warmth and arms, savor that hug it won't last forever.

Kim: recognize my voice? i was Craigette of the CREEK long before anyone else got wise to the game...

Tenderheart: recognize MY voice?!!! oh yeah!!! I'M RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED FUCKING REINDEER!!!

Nicholas: yeah i'm clumsy. yeah people make fun of me. yeah i'm not at the level of Mickey when it comes to apprentice. yeah i've seen the World's Largest Cedar Bucket. but all of this could be averted if i just develop thicker skin...

Dirg: i'm sorry but the magician's name is Fettuccine. fettuccine? i can't take that magician seriously.

Jackie Burroughs: i come from a borough in Ontario, wink wink. a Vancouver vox. look folk, yeah The Spirit looks EXACTLY like the green-queen witch from the mirror in that Disney flick but we FUCKING BEAT DISNEY's ass. i don't want to hear it!!! how did i develop my deliciously evil voice? i mean look at ANY photo of me. at all. i'm ALWAYS holding a cigarette. i held a cigarette as i accepted my OSCAR!!!

The Spirit: you couldn't bother to give me a name?...

Mister Rogers: Secret Bear, do NOT walk away with him to find care. that's not a magic key, that's the keys to a van by a park.

Nicholas: this isn't a book, it's a grimoire. 

The Spirit: yeah you know, Illumianti, secret Hollywood parties, bowls of New Coke, which is just old cocaine.

Laertus's dad: OMG i remember this! remember the controversy here? yeah The Care Bears Movie, there were whispers in the air that this movie promoted Satanism. the Gate of Hell. i'm serious. i saw the look of concern on all the church ladies and the parents at the country-club golf courses wondering if they should mock St. Cyril's by going with their little ones to the cinema. it was these scenes right here, they're kinda squeamish and awkward and dark for no reason. scary for kids. 

Dirg: kids can't handle black magic, i wish i could at that age, i would have been very different now.

Tyzik: Rainbow Rescue Beam, just Skittles. not mined by golders.

Michael Weiss: Skittles are made from LSD, i did a paper on this.

cloudquake: just our way this movie makes very small kids realize that the natural Earth is not your friend, Mother Nature is just a babysitter, an earthquake's hands cannot be shook.

Lion Care Bear: Care Bear Cousins? really? you're trying to sell MORE toys when you haven't sold the FIRST batch?! holy shit the entire Lion King franchise is a rip-off of ME!!! where's my money? i knew i should've NFT'd.

Mlem and Blep: let's see there's a monkey. a dog. a snake. a tapir. and a lemur. BUT WHERE'S THE CAT?!!!

pengwing: and a detective. and a cereal mascot.

Ranger Rick: this is blowing my mind! i had no idea raccoons could see in the dark!

Lotsa Heart elephant: pink elephant, Dumbo, no copyright infringement, we kicked Disney's ASS in the independent Swedish moviehouses!

dark cloud: i shall attack you in three ways. cloud. tree. eagle. you are now educated, youngin. you've read Charles Dickens's whole opus. you are an Eagle Scout. and Indigenous.

Dirg: when the Care Bears line up and "Stare", it looks like they're cumming.

Seth Green: ...

Cousins: we have our "Call".

Hyde and Dave Grohl: ...

The Coachman from Pinocchio: and now we have the epic Luke/Vader battle along a route of busted-up tungsten iron and wine circus cages, i LOVE the scenery! nobody has EVER been able to explain my motivation, why do i do what i do? is it for taxes? do i live alone?...

Grumpy Bear: dwarf? or dwarves? i'm sour but i'm not cool like a goth.

Eye Luggage: yeah the blue one with the raincloud! that was MY Care Bear!

Kim and Jason: we turned it around, our lives are mint now. of course we were the lucky ones, most orphans die. we were able to find new parents JUST LIKE THAT, it was like it was magic or something.

Kim and Jason: new mommy new daddy, can we go to the magic show? our friend is there!

new parents: nah you don't want to see that shitshow, that kid is a bad seed. you want REAL magic? here, try this LSD. i know, it looks like orange juice. and listen to LSD Soundsystem, it's in daddy's top hat...

Kim and Jason: so we just settled on watching Sesame Street alone in our room like everyone else...it's safer than going outside and playing like the song says...

orphans: Mr. Cherrywood, there's an intruder at your window! nevermind, it's just a raccoon. a bear with goth under his sagging eyes.

Mardith: you know this would have been massively more entertaining and interesting if they showed how Mr. and Mrs. Cherrywood met, fell in love, and fucked in the orphanage bed before the kids came. g'night folks.

snot-nosed kids 5 and UNDER sitting in sticky seats: who knew we were a movie demographic? this thing is PERFECT for us, like the vaccine!

Carole King: let's face it, it's the music that makes it. specifically the opening song i did, it has a haunting quality that evokes Mazzy Star. that first song 

Care-a-Lot is a place we all can go

whenever we choose it

Care-a-Lot is a feeling we all know

we never do lose it

Carole King: see? the combination of the lyrics and my chilling voice sends shivers up your bones. it evokes this thing kids and children hold onto. this world is scary, the adult world is a nightmare, so you need a place to go where there's rainbows and creepy little talking bears who will LISTEN to your problems unlike your parents who work all day. the problem is, this world is for adults, too. all adults want to go to Care-a-Lot but they can't cos they'd be shamed at work. Care-a-Lot IS A REAL PLACE, i've been there, i fucked Grumpy Bear cos i thought he was Trent Reznor.

Carole King: when we get older, we need a place to return to, to find safe harbor in, this magic place no one knows about, where we leave the Earth's inevitable problems behind and slide on rainbows and swing on clouds and eat cupcakes and talk to animals. some call this a psychotic break. some a Satanic break. i call it freedom. the Care Bears are real, they're not animatronic like Teddy Ruxpin, the Care Bears have souls.

James Taylor: why didn't you ever tell me about this place? i need to HIDE from the world!

Carole King: slide on that rainbow, Jim. don't fuck Grumpy Bear he's mine.

James Taylor: i like the Goodnight Moon Care Bear, he reminds me of Cat Stevens.

Carole King: Carole King, Care-ole King, Care, get it?

Mickey Rooney: okay parents it's over, you can open your eyes now. fuck popcorn, DISCO SPUDS FOR THE ROOM!!!

Michael Phelps: life's about the journey. the LONG journey. from kid to adult barely holding on by a thread. short-track speedskating is stupid. 

Roger Ebert: you want to solve the world's problems? get yourself a Care Bear, it's as simple as that.

Suzy Lu: okay bitch you won. fair and sqaure, i counted the votes meself.

Jillian Clare: what you a bean-counter now?

Suzy Lu: i was always so jealous of you, every time you smiled. you had the most perfect gleaming white crafted ceramic PORCELAIN teeth i couldn't stand it!!! my teeth are a mess of graveyards.

Jillian: it's cool i'm giving everyone free healthcare, that includes dental.

the two hug by locking their bottoms.

Suzy Lu: what is it Kakashi, i'm conceding.

Kakashi: the last three: speedwell, mallow, yarrow. speedball was too easy, i just got it from Belushi. mallow was Granny's vagina again, i approached her with a hippie attitude this time that she took kindly to, it reminded her of her youth drinking yellow soda. and i became a pirate as all ninjas do for the final last one.

Suzy: but that's 10. where are the 11 herbs?

Kakashi: the 11th is in my mouth, i'm sucking it right now, you can't see me cos i'm wearing my mask. but you know what my face looks like.

Suzy Lu: i get it. love you Kakashi.

Suzy: what time you inaugurate?

Jillian: as soon as i masturbate.

NoizeBoy: i get it. in order to be your boyfriend, to take on that job, it's a 20-year process, of painstakingly getting to know you by phone and by text. your idiosyncrasies and accomplishments, your tenure and temper. i'm gonna have to wait a long time before i even KISS you and it means something!!!

Jillian: i know. it's hard. i'm hard. but isn't it worth the wait? aren't i worth it?

NoizeBoy: feed me all your feminist foibles, i'm here to swallow.

Jillian: i think you mean feminist wiles.

Jillian delivers her acceptance speech from her bedroom, in the back behind her on her shelf is a Tenderheart Care Bear. the camera quakes as it records:

Jillian Clare:

my fellow actors, i am honored. first of all i want to thank Monica Lewinsky, she's not just my understudy. from now on we call them wonderstudies. this is the dawn of a new age. i hear you and i FEEL you. it's like that song "Flirted With You All My Life". such a clever song. the narrator at first you think he's talking about a girl. flirted but never went all the way. he gets jealous when she is touched by someone else, but actually it's Death touching her, causing her to die, causing his mom to die of cancer, and he realizes he's not ready. for Death to come. he's done this all his LIFE cos the correct counter is all his life itself as long as it's just flirting and not the real thing. is love eternal? when you're jogging Canoga Park like i know we all do in the brisk wind before auditions, and you're jogging with a bereft person, take her aside and pull up her chin and ask what's wrong. it's not about jogging, not about heart rate, it's about a broken heart rate. when she stops the jog, stops the steps, cos she wants to go to your house to make chili, MAKE THE CHILI. the chili will always be more important than the jog.

Jillian Clare: you are an artist even if you go your entire life without meeting a gatekeeper.