TMIT: CHRISTMAS IN ELYSIUM

 

1. do you have a favorite author? yes. Philip K. Dick. he would cry as he wrote which is what i do, too.

2. do you make your bed each morning?

yes. cos my cats demand a nice smooth linear soft comfy feathery pillowy mattress for them to lie on.

3. what is one recipe that gets you through busy, hectic times?

Mom's Chicken Soup from the '80s

- one red box of Lipton's soup mix. dried in the parchment packet. must be tiny DICED chicken cubes, don't get the plain noodles!

- one beefsteak tomato 

- one potato not currently being used for tv or youtube

cut all ingredients with a Martin Yan butcher knife. place in the scalding hot tubwater of a witch's pot. do it all Macbeth-like, all Denzel-like. stir. add an entire bottle of tabasco sauce. DO NOT GO TO COSTCO!!!!! they changed their chicken-soup-for-the-soul recipe!

4. for therapeutic venting who do you call? friend. sibling. parent. significant other

Regis Philbin. if not available Paul Rudd with Slimer

5. when did you last declutter the camera roll on your smartphone?

you can do that? no wonder my ipad mini's always so damn slow and buggy. i don't need ANY of these pics after a week! Melissa Maker can help with that type of cleaning, too...

BONUS: what is the subject of your next blog post?

i'm writing the next chapter in the continuing saga of my story Hollywoodland Hotel...there's a spicy sex scene in there...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

SPAGHETTI BURGERS

 

notes:

* Dorothy Gale: Kansas is experiencing the real Wizard of Oz now, the real Dust Bowl. that's not a tornado, that's just wind!

* Shad Khan: we here at the Jaguars respect kickers.

* Chris Noth: you can't make fun of my middle name, i'm too cool for you.

* Ryan Seacrest holding Dick Clark's frail hand at Dick Clark's deathbed

Ryan Seacrest: do you have any final words for me?

Dick Clark with withered voice: you are a bitch.

* John Edward: no mother is a bitch in my world.

Sandra McGee: i had children with you after you became a ballroom dancer, that's a sexy job, psychics are unsexy and uncool.

John Edward: we're just medium.

* stage sage: cocaine to ease the broken leg

* FINA world championships now in December?!!! it's too damn COLD for swimming!!!!!

* Mercedes Sosa: i played for the Black Sox. my first hair strand of natural flaxen wax is the very first Native American feather to fall from the sun, cry from the sky. I was really the first woman president of Argentina...

*  maskfishing: you have to look at a person's soul now...

* bell hooks: it's perfect that i died at age 69.

Phoenix: point of personal phoenix preference, goddess bless bell hooks, ee cummings, kd lang, and all those who come after who make it hard on the amiannoying AI, we need to NORMALIZE lowercase.

* APRN: ironically we are the exact OPPOSITE of an apron

* Kylo Ren: unmask me, i'm a closet David Bowie fan.

* Doryce: could do without the paper straws, they are IMPOSSIBLE to suck from.

* Peyton Manning: we are postponing the Super Bowl a week for covid...

* Lana Del Rey: i was deathly afraid of death, messed me up as a kid i couldn't live normally playing with dolls and shit. all i kept thinking about obsessing about was how me, my whole family and everyone else's family and priest were gonna die someday. every human starts drinking after going through this existential crisis. except Cookie Monster, he drinks chocolate milk.

Maiara Walsh in a beret: hi.

Lana Del Rey: but then i met you. i entered the music industry cos i wanted to recreate that thing in the '60s when lonely souls and outcasts formed their own communities, their own artist colonies. i wanted to fall in love, surprised as heck to find out that person was a woman.

Maiara Walsh: i love you, too, babe. but i got news for you, kiddo.

Lana: i know, Katy Tur's back.

Maiara: no, i went through the exact same thing you did as a kid, i thought i was gonna die at any moment, the next day, so i never went to sleep again for fear of never waking up.

Lana: so that's why your eyes are so pretty.

* Kohl's

Kohl's: how the hell is this Number 1!?

dad: i made a gingerbread house. from scratch.

mom: nah you used youtube.

dad: no i made it, to prove it i covered it in glue, it's inedible now and must be stared at for the next month.

* Mild Mitch: i'm gonna break the riding record!

little girl: Liberty Mutual is shit.

Mild Mitch: that's 1000 rides, nobody has ever ridden a bull 1000 times.

little girl: Liberty Mutual is bull.

Mild Mitch: HEY THAT'S A SWEAR WORD!!! you can't say that! bull is a swear word to First Graders at St. Cyril's...

* Walmart

mom naked under sheets: oh shit the creepy cousins are coming over!

dad naked under sheets: what do we get that brat?

mom: i just ordered a pony with the app.

* Walmart

uncle: come on over to the big-kids table, boy.

cousin: thank you, sir. hello adults, i have nothing to talk to you about...unless you like TikTok. i'm feeling very self-conscious.........that's it i'm gonna wet my pants.

uncle: you didn't have school all month, is this because of TikTok?

cousin: yes.

uncle: i see, so TikTok helps you with your homework...

* NFL Inspire Change Alabama

 - finally something good comes from Squidbillies. the hardest NFL guy is a flower. Appleseed wasn't just an anime...

* Chevrolet

daughter: why you cryin?

dad: i miss my wife.

daughter: okay. she wasn't my mom but okay.

dad: she looked like Lana Del Rey in that smoky music video where the two girls each jump off a concrete bridge in La Jolla.

mechanic: making it beautiful wasn't enough, we had to make it a car. is that black man your husband?

daughter: completely irrelevant to this.

daughter: we completely detailed this car, cherried her up classic. a tens-of-thousands-of-dollars job.

dad: i'm never driving it again. 

daughter, crying: Merry Christmas, dad.

dad: who are you? Merry Christmas, Zooey Deschanel.

* Washed Out: washed-out denim jeans, get it?

* Toyota

little girl: daddy, why'd they burn down Sam's Bookshop?

dad: books have dangerous ideas in them, son.

little girl: here mister, you can have my copy of Alice In Wonderland, this book is REALLY problematic now.

* helper: what's your number?

Gronk: F-R-O-G-G-E-R

helper: nope, has to have 15 digits, letters and numbers.

Gronk: i bought this arcade cabinet of Frogger on the black market off a nervous little man with glasses who claimed he was a champion sand golfer...

* John Travolta: fuck this Mrs. Claus, she can't dance! you know what i want for Christmas? my wife Kelly Preston back.

Samuel L Jackson: you're using naughty words, Santa.

CLICK HERE TO DO THE DEW

happy weekend, my babies. do i wear the beanie or take the beanie off? 

TOMORROW: i love that the crepes place has gone full Mediterranean. why does the Osio play the same obscure indie movie about bees from two years ago? Downtown Monterey ain't much, ain't no Telegraph Ave, but it's as close to a Christmas market as i'm gonna get. 6 tacos and......oh i don't know i'm feeling splurgy, something exotic like a Mountain Dew Baha Blast

HOLLYWOODLAND HOTEL: CONCOURSE PIZZA (DON'T FUCK THE BUCK)

Jillian Clare: and you are?

NoizeBoy: NoizeBoy

Jillian: nice to meet ya.

they can't shake hands cos he's on top of a store and she's down below on the ground.

Jillian: lovin what you did with the place.

NoizeBoy: yeah i figured there is so much lighting used here on Main Street USA. all the matinee signs to all these shoppes are lit up, the rounded lights on top become my footlights to my stage as i do my music songs on the roofs.

Jillian: rad. is it rooves? i love when you play, we should disco-dance sometime. everything Disney is stage lighting. but not staged lighting.

NoizeBoy: what about the phantom hologram ghosts?

Jillian: save a special for me.

NoizeBoy: special lighting is my specialty. and mist machines for golf.

NoizeBoy has two ears and three earlobes.

Jillian: get down from there. hop down like a cat, i want to see if you pass my test.

Jillian: nice. so what's your dream, sir?

NoizeBoy: i love Disneyland so much i want to see it completely reconstituted and reconstructed built up again like the Disneyland in Italy.

Jillian: you from there?

NoizeBoy: no i just like pizza. 

Jillian: yeah Disneyland pizza tastes sweet, the dough is made from churros. i aim to change that when i become President of SAG-AFTRA.

NoizeBoy: shit i'm gonna be the first First Husband!

Jillian: slow down, sparky. elephants or teacups?

Laertus's dad: related, have you ever felt the roundness?

Laertus: ...

Laertus's dad: you know, when you run your hand across the cover of a World Book Encyclopedia and feel those '70s bumps. like coarse beige sand, like tiny microscopic bubbles under your fingernails.

Laertus: i think you were just high back then, dad.

Laertus's dad: high on education, son. high on learning. not high on life, high on learning, those are two completely different things.

Gene from Joe Pera: what it all boils down to, my friend...

Alanis Morissette: do NOT

Gene: ...is Earth will become a boiling planet soon so we need a 100-Year Plan.

Matt Talbott: ...

Mrs. Talbot: i taught that boy organ. what's with the electric guitar? i hate that shit. fuck the electric guitar!

Bob Mueller: i always had a scowl on my face cos i was wearing the wrong shoes...

Michael Patrick King: my name has special significance to the author...

Sean Connery: back then all you needed to control the universe was a sabre...

David Broom: i solicited a ho. nevermind, just broom it under the rug and let's get back to the recording studio.

Kurt Cobain: ...

Phoenix: you're a cool dude, David Broom. you sound like a Harry Potter character.

Dominic from Real World: California is a magic place, magickier than my native Ireland. you can go from blazing burnin sun that sands your cock off 20 minutes on the Santa Monica Freeway to Mammoth and freezing biting snow that turns it into a cocksicle all in the space of a stamp under the tongue. why was there never a woolly mammoth on the cover of the Lucky Charms box? that blasted leprechaun should be chasing a mammoth not a whale. the mammoth star would be chocolate, they've never had a chocolate star before!

Laertus: Forbes as a magazine actually scares me.

Michael Weiss holding a 101 Dalmatians clapperboard: Instagram is the process of borrowing another person's life...

Michael Weiss: Instagram makes me horny...

Dutch Bros: the perfect cuppa o' coffee for Phoenix

Fareed Zakaria: i paid for my Tesla with PayPal which makes Elon Musk's strange weird wet-brain thoughts all the more disappointing.

Scarlett Johansson: why were you making out with Billie Eilish?

Colin Jost: i thought she was YOU!!!

Martin Yan: dim sum and then some. it's very easy to do, anyone can do it. these sticky rice big balls of mine are bigger than our KQED President's sticky hands cos he has little balls.

Princess Marina: i didn't want to be a princess! i wanted to be a silent film star!

Cara Williams: New York City to Beverly Hills, now THAT's the pipeline. nobody's last name is ever just William.

Dirg: Wink Magazine, pinups are not porn.

Joanna Leeds: i dropped out when Jillian entered the race. i'm okay with being Mena Suvari's sex-scene double.

Sam Fragoso: me, too, i dropped out of the running to be Jillian's campaign manager after i beheld the beauty that is Monica Lewinsky in all her plump glory. i'm happy just being a hobbit.

Arielle Raycene: i could totally play Steven Tyler's daughter, we have the same mouth.

Rachael Leigh Cook: you two don't like each other much do you.

Kevin Frazier and Nischelle Turner: nope.

Rachael: if you two need a third wheel to host Entertainment Tonight, jus sayin, y'all, i'm newly divorced and looking for a new adventure...

Sophia Urista: what? i did what i did. urine, it's in the last name...

Aaron Sorkin: it's impossible for me to indulge too much.

landau top: when Takahashi visits Martin. and Gina.

Anne Rice: i was fine with my relationship with Christ and the Church's image and portrayal of Him. until i joined facebook...

Mesay: whoa! cool typewriter!

Maiara Walsh: it's a LEGO typewriter! made all of LEGOS and it works! i'm typing my novel on it. don't you DARE call it a novella...

Mesay: it's the color of sand-green.

Maiara: not the horrid tennis player! i have a feeling the walls are gonna be coated four corners with a waterfall of our white Liquid Paper tonight.

Mesay: the Ewoks hoard all the correction fluid in this sector, that's how they get away with not working.

Maiara: same for us writers, that's what we do, too. this is perfect, i can continue going barefoot everywhere not worrying i'll stub my toe on dull-sharp slicey LEGOs and make my feet bowllegged.

Mesay: llenda. yenda. you do make quite the impression. you continue doing you, babe. Mai, your corrective fluid corrected me.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

8-Bit Christmas: you watched me like you were a New York Times film critic who got an early screener.

Eye: i know it was glorious!

Dirg: all the shelves were empty, cleared of Nintendo grey-boxes that '80s Christmas because of Biden's supply-chain. too soon?

Eye: Uncle Buck and go.

Dirg: wait the version i saw didn't have the Uncle Buck Pancake scene!!! that is THE scene of this movie, the only one anybody remembers!!

Eye: it was cut, deleted on all versions for that box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix.

Dirg: wha the? see? do you SEE what i mean? what i'm sayin? do you see what i've been harping on going on about this whole time?!!

Dirg: I'M OUT

Laertus: congratulations.

Dirg: i can't. i can't do this. sorry. the girl in this is too much of a bitch. i know i know redemption arc at the end makes it all the sweeter, but was there any particular reason why you were such a cunt throughout this whole damn film!?

Jean Louisa Kelly: none given. but it was fun playing a typical teenager. cut me some slack this was my very first film role! i'm hot tho.

Dirg: yes but there must be a position in life of what you WON'T do for hot.

Jean Louisa Kelly: resting bitch face wasn't a thing yet in the '80s.

Laertus's dad: when i was a kid i watched my dad watch this movie in a very peculiar way. dad was typing up his first novel at 7-Eleven while working there full-time. to fool his bosses he'd man the Slurpee machines while Uncle Buck was away on commercials then slowly tiptoe to the break room right before the movie would come back on again, it was a Sunday-afternoon Channel 5 special. back and forth he'd go, every ten minutes walk back and forth. he told me later he was interested in the dynamic between the teenage girl and her uncle, Tia and Buck, i never forgot that. now watching it with all you i feel i've come full circle with my dad, i'm finally watching every minute of Uncle Buck and can relate to my dad better, i'm watching it with him in spirit. 

Rubikon: wait is this a holiday movie?

John Hughes: all my movies are holiday movies.

Tyzik: this was the hot ticket back in the day.

Roger Ebert: wait why did this movie make a boatload of money? the script is BAD. it doesn't have the same John Hughes magic, there's a weird darkness to it, it's.........off.

John Hughes: fair. i was going through a divorce while writing this. the script reflected my overall meanness and pettiness back then. probably because of John Candy, everyone paid to see John Candy. John Candy's pancake-doughy facial expressions.

Dirg: you gotta admit Liz Cheney is low-key hot.

Jean Louisa Kelly: everyone thinks i'm from Texas but i'm not.

Macaulay Culkin: i'm a kid, that's my job. i have no IDEA how my life will change irrevocably in just a few months...

Gaby Hoffmann: i'm still okay, right? 

Garrett M Brown: i shoulda played Encyclopedia Brown...

Elaine Bromka: no relation to David Broom. strangely, despite my puppy-dog eyes, my expressive eyes, THIS was my only significant film role of note. no idea. theatre nerd i guess.

Amy Madigan: i'm that woman you've seen but can't quite place the name. i was that drunk soccer mom on ER or something. Chanice? that's not a very Chicago name. i was flattered to get carded buying liquor but the clerk said it was because i needed to have my card laminated.

Jay Underwood: i was typecast after this as the worst thing you could ever be: a frat guy. so obviously i was never asked to do SNL.

Suzanne Shepherd: i lasered off my mole, toned my buns, and became Chrissy Snow!!!

Uncle Buck: i'm sad. i don't get it, i'm free, i'm unattached, no wife, no kids, so why am i so damn lonely? you'd think living under Chicago Cubs Stadium would be ideal but i just feel like a bum.

Cindy: my dad had a heart attack.

Uncle Buck: i know the feeling.

Cindy: we don't want you watching the kids, we want Jack Tripper.

crones: we'll get the flowers. we got flowers for every occasion.

Janet: ...

Cindy: i am genuinely TERRIFIED to leave the kids with you, Buck.

Mardith: that was a terrific linereading.

Madame Pons: yes, terrifically funny.

Takahashi: that 1977 Mercury loses value every time it DOESN'T backfire with smoke.

Uncle Buck: all it needed was a tire...

Eye: i mean the boyfriend can't be ALL bad, he wears a beret. 

Uncle Buck: my load.

Laurie Metcalf: that's sexy.

Uncle Buck: no my load of laundry.

Laurie Metcalf: that's even sexier, a man who does the laundry, rawr. don't mind my last name, i'm a spitfire in bed.

Buck: why are you like this?

Laurie: i never get the attention, for some reason Roseanne gets the attention despite her being fat.

Monica Lewinsky: ...

clown: who are you, Mother Cabrini?

Uncle Buck: get back in your mouse and drive outta here. i ain't scared of you. you're not Mickey Mouse, you're Mighty Mouse.

clown: i'm telling Layne Staley and he's gonna finally get out of his apartment to come beat you up.

at the bowling alley

Uncle Buck: do i need to sic The Dude on you, punk?

The Dude: hey man i'm not into violence. 

Tia: i love him, he wears a beret, he's an artist.

Uncle Buck: he only wants to fuck you. know how i know? cos Bug is ME!!!

Tia: that's disgusting.

Buck: no i mean back THEN. i wish i had ingested a can of bug spray so i wouldn't be this sad NOW. don't let the Blues Brothers hat fool you, i'm dead inside.

Laertus: the high school kids duck when the motor of the car goes off in a loud pop, but they don't think it's gunfire, these kids have no concept of school shootings in the '80s.

Uncle Buck: if you put the movie on mute and see me taking a hatchet out of the trunk you'd think this was an episode of X-Files.

Laertus: if a guy takes a video never trust him if in the background there's a flag with a smiley face on it.

Uncle Buck: this is my moment of reckoning, i shed real tears here. i was going to bet it all on one of Bob Baffert's horses to win the Triple Crown.........in the '80s. tomorrow's another day, always remember that...

Kurt Cobain: ...

Uncle Buck: whoa it's like Delta House in here. why did i bring this drill? i look ridiculous with an electric drill in my hand. 

Dirg: what about the chick who is in the bed who we all assumed was Tia? she has NO OTHER credits to her name! she didn't become a Hollywood star! why?

Dirg: duct tape? trunk kidnapping? illegal golf?  this is going too far. this is getting dark. this is getting dark and DANK.

Kendrick Lamar: ...

Uncle Buck: how's your father?

Cindy: he was never sick, that was a red herring for the script.

Dirg: now SEE, she FINALLY smiles at the end, and she looks nice! she looks pleasant! you should smile more.

Jean Louisa Kelly: um, it's called good acting.

Mr. Holland from Mr. Holland's Opus: tell me about it.

Dirg: she smiles so hard you can see all her crooked teeth! g'night folks.

Uncle Buck: your grandfather's dead to me, he played for the White Sox. so you wanna grab a coffee sometime?

Tia: sure.

Buck: i'm thinking over what Uncle Buck 2 would have been. and all the fanfiction that exists now. the next movie would have been you and me at Starbucks. we can't fuck, right?

Tia: no, we're related.

Uncle Buck: right right. 

John Belushi: you're the Canadian me.

John Candy: no you're the American me. it's in the name, Candy from Canada. i was never fat. i was never fat. i coulda been skinny in a snap, all i needed to do was take some cocaine. Redfeather the turkey? maybe it's for the best that character was never created......

John Candy: g'night folks

in the bowels of Disneyland

Carly Severn: here girl, let me show you stretch + stipple. 

Jillian: i love your acting mirror, it's so bright with circle lights!

Carly: latex makeup is the future of Youtube. there, i'm the Snow White witch and you're Belle.

NoizeBoy: i'm so excited to go on the Autobahn!

Jillian: it's Autopia.

NoizeBoy: wait let me fix your hair. there, put on these dark glasses and wear this milk-maiden scarf over your head and you look like Marilyn Monroe! you have the perfect face, it's flawless! an old '30s visage, a Hollywood glamour face, a glamourpuss puss.

Jillian: it's all makeup my dear boy. 

NoizeBoy: touring Disneyland with Jillian Clare, there's no other Heaven. 

Jillian: isn't it better to say here at Disneyland and not travel all the way to Italy?

NoizeBoy: i guess.

NoizeBoy follows Jillian behind in her silver car in his brown car on the conveyor-belt road.

NoizeBoy: i love smashing your bumper. i love the wind rustling through your hair! i stick out my tongue mass, uncork it, uncurl it, spool it all out, and i eat your hair. i've swallowed a strand of your hair.

Jillian: metal. follow me to Seven Dwarves Village.

NoizeBoy: cool. the tiny microscopic roofs are painted Italian blue!

already in this forest the mushrooms are all being desecrated by Suzy Lu. Suzy spots a shadow hiding under the furthest shroom.

Suzy Lu: come out from under that head. is that you? are we experiencing this live? ready for the big reveal?

Chris Noth: ...

Suzy: ready for the reveal?

when Suzy realizes who it is her eyes pop bright and wide so hard you can see her crooked pupils going in and out in waves.  

Suzy: KAKASHI!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

TMIT: IT'S RAINING CATS AND DOGS!!!

that's Talia and Trinity up there!!! i can't BELIEVE i still have my wifi to type this up! we've had the Storm of the Century over here and it's STILL raining as i speak! talk about a comedown.

1. if you found The Fountain of Youth would you swim in it?

yes. but like that blonde on that TLC reality dating show 90-Day Single says: "i gotta go back into the dating pool and i'm pretty sure there's pee in it." my friend was a PA on that show and he said they desecrated a lawn gnome. hey remember Cathouse on HBO? i miss Cathouse, bring back Cathouse, HBO, put it on HBO Max...

2. share a quick story about your misspent youth: so i was scanning through the liner notes of my first Smashing Pumpkins album and i come across the lyrics to "Stumbleine"...

3. some say youth is a state of mind, agree? wholeheartedly. but life itself is a state of mind, although age is NOT just a number, the body will decay eventually. 

life, reality, is Episode 8 of The Midnight Gospel

4. do you feel that you wasted your youth? of course. but that's how it should be. it's impossible to do otherwise. as Shaw said, "youth is wasted on the young."

Billy Corgan: damn i thought that was MY quote.

5. are you anxious about death?

you know it's been awhile since i've learned something genuinely new and novel but it happened to me last week. again i refer you to Episode 8 of The Midnight Gospel. see? do you see now? THIS is what reality really is, this is what the afterlife is, what existence is, the Eastern religions got it right, well closer than the Western religions anyway. that episode is still breaking my brain, i don't want to think too much more about it or i'll have a panic attack. don't think too hard on the concept of ego death or you'll go insane.

but it was here reading some ancillary articles, some sidelinks directed from the episode that i came across this idea of why everyone is scared to death of death: you're scared, but it's just your physical body that's scared, you're scared of nothingness and not existing anymore and the loss of your consciousness and thoughts and experiences. but only just your PHYSICAL body experiences this fear. once you realize you're part of the One all your petty tiny Earthly fears melt and fall away, you simply become part of the One at death, there's no room for fear cos you're The One.

your SPIRIT body is always nice and calm, riding an ocean of nirvana, your spirit body knows all about this innately

BONUS: when do you dislike too much chatter? when it's coming from my head

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

   

BEING THE RICARDOS

 

notes:

* Nicolle Wallace with tissues: did you notice i was the only one who cried during your farewell show?

Brian Williams: thanks for coming to that, the only time i cried on my own show was when i interviewed Aaron Sorkin the night before. i didn't have the heart to tell him the reviews for his Lucille Ball week were in and less-than-flattering. they're saying Sorkin gives in to his most pretentious predilections.

Nicolle: the country is in a dark place, we need your dark humor.

Brian: i know but i gotta get the fuck outta here, hand me that dusty Tom Petty Lincoln hat.

Nicolle: i care deeply about you, Brian.

Brian: obviously we fucked.

Nicolle: yes. but only once. at that DC hotel on the Biltmore at that New Year's Eve party.

Brian: and once on the tiny table of the MSNBC kitchenette.

Nicolle: your cum tasted good but not as good as the raw sugar crystals they have over there.

Brian: yeah in that big bucket-shaped fluted glass canister tower.

Nicolle: we can't tell our spouses or kids, right?

Brian: right. tho one of our rendezvouses was a script for Girls on HBO.

* garbagemen: we pick up your trash and have to do the Christmas card thing but we never sign them, our boss makes us pick out blank pink pieces of paper for all you bastards who made us carry the truck over to a Saturday cutting into our weekend family time cos you forgot what day it was.

* Jacques Pepin: the '80s were cool for most but they came at the worst time as i was just setting up shop on PBS. the Surgeon General comes out with a general warning that eggs are bad for you. so me a French chef planning a menu for the show had to cut down on eggs, milk, butter, and bread...

* Sharon Gless: see? tv is good, without tv i would have never realized i was an alcoholic.

* The Pope: i liked a butt pic.........my own.

* Colonel Walter Kurtz: you killed my father, prepare to die.

Dread Pirate Roberts: no, Vietnam killed your father, you can't kill Vietnam, that's the point.

Kurtz: i killed my own father with my mind.

* Nancy McKeon: why was i absent? read all about it in People Magazine...

* Walmart

mom: we got the kids a Nintendo.

dad: Nintendo is for kids, kids want adult things like Xbox and batteries.

* Kay Jewelers

Dirg: look at this woman, she knows she's hot, she has a wrist tattoo that only shows when she turns it just right to show off her diamond.

* bench bro: so you're really going with that yellow sweater outside huh?

other bench bro: Serena Williams is Neo.

bench bro: the daughters said King Richard was painfully one-sided.

Lance Lear: ...

* Walmart

parents: surprise kids! we got you helmets and kneepads. we ran out of money before we could get you the scooter.

* Kate McKinnon: you see how jangly i walk in these heels? it's so Christmasy, like ice-skating on a frozen pond.

* Apple AirPods: like a last-second halfcourt shot against Purdue...

* Target

woman: people look at my face and get that faint sense they've seen me before......in some Doctor Who thing or something...i was that Companion people forgot about...

* Domino's

waitress: i'm just a simple woman with a country accent. if Big Pizza really wanted to help they'd bring back Squidbillies.

Domino's CEO: The Noid is telling me only if he's in the cartoon...

* Google Stereo Speakers

Phoenix: the cool thing about this commercial is the woman and man are wife and husband in real life.

Jon Bon Jovi: ...

man: oh yeah i know this music, i know rap.

woman: all rap was once R&B, honey.

* Liberty Mutual

Spider-Man: don't try this at home, kids, the spider we used came from Meta.

Doug: that wasn't Pac-Man on my shelf, that was the yellow helmet for my imaginary helicopter.

* Steve Mariucci: follow these chalkboard instructions. for your gambling problem. if you can't overcome it join the mob like i did and become Ray Liotta's father. the chalk will then be used for body outlines.

* sub man: submarines. the sandwiches. and i drove submarines for the Navy.

Gronk: i was never in the Armed Forces.

sub man: that's weird, right? you look EXACTLY like someone who would join.

Gronk: is this an ad for Jimmys Johns?

* Takahashi: Pete? oh so it was PETE's idea to bring back the Italian Chicken Sandwich at Burger King? sure sure nobody thought of that till PETE...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: it WAS gonna be In N Out but i penciled in a last-minute luncheon, so now it's rg burger. last time i had the Lemon Pepper it tasted raw. raw sugar which is good. i'm going with the Chili Burger, if the pattie's gonna be well-done i might as well splurge.

HOLLYWOODLAND HOTEL: PLENARY (TUPPERWARE)

 

Jillian Clare wears a tiny pinbutton of Rugrats on her jean-shirt lapel. Suzy Lu wears a tiny pinbutton on her brown Girl Scout lapel that reads 

Stussy is not sussy

Jillian: not smooth move, exlax. you're on my home turf, we're at Disneyland!

Suzy: so? i'm running for SAG AFTRA President, too. 

Jillian: come on, you're British, you have no connections.

Suzy: not over here but i do in England. all of them! all the Hogwarts people and all the Emmas and all the Sirs including that fat King Lear. and Mr. Bean.

Jillian: if you know JK Rowling you're automatically disqualified.

Jillian: what's this about?

Suzy: you thought you could just glide on in there unchallenged, huh. waltz on in there with walnuts. i got a secret weapon up my sleeve, he's stealthy.

Jillian: fine whatever, i hereby declare war on you.

Suzy: oooooh, very Madara.

Jillian: come on, Monica, let's start. you hand out the bundt cakes here along Main Street and i'll get into my bikini and attack Splash Mountain handing out my homemade personalized birthday cakes with that very rare boba-ball icing that only i know how to make and bake.

Suzy: now see? doozy. that's unfair! you're just winning votes with eggs starch and cream! NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!!

Jillian: get a hobby. get a job. get a career. whatever not my fault.

Suzy: get a life, missy.

Sasha Grey sings "Sandcastles In The Sky" at church.

Joe Pera: look i'm sorry but if i have to choose i'm going with In N Out Burger not the local Michigan mom-and-pop joint. take one look at me, i'm not into creepy dolls. plus i need that In-N-Out money to keep my show going, to keep it afloat, i get virtually zero viewers...

Elle: i stole the camera my desert hunter was using from his person and fled to the city, that body looked lifeless in the sand. i used the camera to take sightseeing snaps, photos of all the pretty neon lights...

Pearl Jam: we're the Betty White of the Seattle bands...

Penobscot: home of Burnsy. not Scott Van Pelt. the place of a thousand frozen hop-scotches. where the Addams Family curse can be wrested from the grimy clutches of pornography and take a break.

Lisa Loring: look for my new talk show, Lisa Loring Michelangelo, Wednesdays on Tubi Streaming...

Jon Peters: three words: Van Nuys, baby. do i not have the perfect porn name or what?!  i made Barbra Streisand wear a tux.

Kathy Griffin: just kidding it's whippits. what, i'm a comedian. these pills i take are for forgetting Anderson Cooper ever existed.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge: i feel ya, lady. like returning into a volcano from a political-party convention.

Ree Drummond: i'm an anomaly in Hollywood. i'm wildly successful but i look like a witch. i know, i realize my face makes people uncomfortable...

Dirg: when you kill someone, immediately light up a cigarette, this is all i've ever learned from Blade Runner...

caesarstone: Julius was Israeli, not Italian...

Mardith sticks her microphone under the nose of the Nimblewill Nomad.

NN: i thought i was hiking this trail for love...

Mardith: the nimbleweed better be back there on my front lawn when i get back, i better be tripping over the stuff!

Alison Sieke and Circus Coo hop the picket fence into a private lawn at night.

Alison: you sure about this? is this okay?

Coo: sure. we're under cover of night.

Alison: we weren't e-vited. or invited.

Coo: no one is. that's the trick, that's why these parties are so exclusive, no one is invited, you have to put on your Carmen Sandiego hat and find them on your own.

Alison: it's my birthday.

Coo: you mean your BIrthday.

Alison: shhhhhh, not on Insta, my dad can't see this, i still want us to be roommates...

Van Gogh at San Jose: bring your coffee...

Andre Rieu: wasn't me. i didn't do the crime. look at me.

van Gogh: don't run an art studio if you can't handle the heat.

Victor Aguilera at KQED: i'm Tony Reali with tats. 

Carly Severn: that was the trivia question that won it for me at Bay Curious.

Pat: if you look at the giant letters in front of the Silver Spaceship when the moon glints it that certain way it looks like LEWD.

Aisha Tyler: why wasn't i the voice of the owl huntress? it was perfect, the Squidbillies and Archer studios are adjacent in Atlanta!

Puck from Real World: i got Julia Ioffe now...

semifreddo: i'm not Chris Cuomo

Frandor: we welcome all hobbits.

Codrus: Compagnon, the bread baked inside our cloister bell.

Cotard: do NOT talk about your pretty young assistant with the tats and the septum ring.

Codrus: she rivals Mary Jane Watson in spunk. and her nose is flowerier than Florence's or her slippery Machine's.

Doryce: i hate gloomy overcast days, all it means is the electric bill goes up cos you gotta keep the lights on more.

Gladyce: i light myself with the flame of prayer, dear.

Ron's Coaches: no Kim Possible porn here, we're an inspirational organization. we service Ron Rivera's cancer research funds.

Paul McCartney: mate i serviced one of your rare double-decker buses for my wedding anniversary with Yoko and there were actual cockroaches in there. i thought that was just an expression, you know, roach motel. maybe the carpet on the ceiling is a bad idea but what do i know i'm from Liverpool. working class. meet my daughter Stella, she became a fashion kween cos she couldn't go to her prom cos there are no proms in Britain.

Maiara Walsh and Mesay are inside the Gold Ball of the Ewok treehouse. waterfalls spill out the windows, the bed corners on all sides with room-sized pink seashells. the bedroom chamber looks like Botticelli's The Birth of Venus. a panda stuffed-animal and a Coke bottle lie on the bed.

Maiara: we should have plenty of privacy here. i knew you had broad shoulders but damn, your chest is rock hard and curly.

Mesay: that's not the only thing.

Maiara: while we're in the process of orgasming together i want you to look ONLY at my blue eyes.

Mesay: not hard to do.

Maiara: know why i dye my hair blue? to make my blue eyes pop EVEN MORE.

Mesay: *sweating* that's impossible. your blue eyes are gems gifted to the world by the Goddess Herself Fuerza. you're not a woman you're an angel, an actual angel. your beauty is insane yet your're too nice to be a devil.

Maiara: need a hug?

Mesay: i've been dreaming of this day my whole life, que mi vida, not the sex, the hug. see before i was just another one of your billion online admirers who got a virtual hug from you with an anonymous emoji. what's with the plastic yellow chains around your neck? 

Maiara: *in Marge Simpson grunt* i'm into BDSM but only halfway, i like to dip my toe in it but that's it. we'll get into that stuff later.

Mesay making the sign of the cross on his fogged glasses: my god.

Maiara: ready? we will fuck standing up. as i guide you through this, never remove your gaze from my eyes, never avert to any corner of the room, look deep into my eyes as you cum.

Mesay: i'm edging.........FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKK.  

their bodies, their core trunks are pressed together like two giant hydrants swishing and swashing in the center of their collective bellybutton with sputtering spray and foamy spritz as the semen coats each corner of the boudoir like wallpaper glue mixed with slushy snow.  

the whiplash overtakes Mesay, it steam-cleans and wet-dries the curls in his Salvador Dali mustache rendering it straight and limp, he stands himself leaning his knuckle against the pushed-up slanted orange-into-green forest stripes of the stucco.

Mesay: aye dos mio. phew. sorry about that, i had to close my eyes, the gravitational pull forced my eyelids shut. 

Maiara: it is space travel after all.

Maiara: *in Marge Simpson grunt* now THAT was a clap!! 

Mesay: now what?

Maiara: we break. let them eat cake, as in us. get that cake over there, the Jillian Clare cake, let's try it.

Mesay: well i did feel like it was my birthday just now.

Mesay: *chomping on the crumbs* Jillian Clare tastes good.

Eye Luggage: 8-Bit Christmas and go.

Takahashi: the GREATEST description of the Nintendo grey-box EVER: it looks like TUPPERWARE!!!!!!!!!!

Laertus: related, i read a review of this that encapsulates it perfectly, there's really nothing more to be said about this movie: it's A Christmas Story for the Nintendo generation.

Eye: this was the first film i watched on Los Movies that was playing in theaters concurrently, it was an orgasmic experience, i could smell the popcorn as i watched this in real time pretending i was at a theater.

Doogie Howser: wait i have a daughter? that's impossible.

daughter: THE DOG DIES IN THIS STORY???!!! i'm calling the cats!!!

cat familiars Mlem and Blep: STILL NOT COOL. don't whiplash us like that, movie.

tv: that's bias! they're trying to make you hate tv. but it's not tv's fault, it's the bulk that houses me that crushes your soul.

Dirg: the '80s were hard, man.

Dirg: why do all these movies have the man be the asshole through the whole film......till he comes around at the end and turns out he was just a lovable grouch......a game grump...just a rhetorical question...

Steve Zahn: the part didn't fit me, i usually play goofy. with my name i should be cast as a Marvel Universe magician...

Lucio Rossi: there's always that one kid classmate who's the chronic liar. can't stop lying to save himself. that was me.

Laertus's dad: yes but your lying inspired me to lie at all times which helped me become a writer. my nose is already runny from the waterfalls of nostalgia here.

Dirg: yeah but it's different, the '80s on the Elite Coasts versus the '80s in the Real Midwest. you get real snow in the middle, not snow machines.

Dominic DiLeo: there's always that one kid who's a stuck-up rich snob who gets to use the Nintendo Zapper light gun first. but that wasn't me, i was NICE! my dad was the creepy Sheryl Crow manager that we only found out about post-mortem!

He-Man: Skeletor slime.

Dirg: anyone else find it weird the kid has a 1984 poster on his bedroom wall instead of a Goonies one?

Madame Pons: that's always the way with little girls, they put on a brave front, pretend they're callous and mean, but they're only making sure their family is nice and helpful. need a hug?

Mardith, crying: i'm scared to death each night something i say as a crystal-aura counselor will cause one of my girls to go, that i'll have the blood of a suicide on my hands. i'm not a licensed therapist, we're all just having fun here.

Madame Pons: shhh shhh there there child, you're okay, you're gonna be okay. take some drugs, it'll calm you down, for now.

Laertus's dad: now see what's that? that one thing i don't remember from my childhood, that beeper attached to the bottom dangling from the rearview window.

Laertus: that was the first GPS, used for calling E.T.'s home.

William Shattner: or me at 911.

Tyzik: this film does NOT need a fourth wall to break...

Rubikon: okay i give it to them, that was novel. i've never seen the Nintendo grey-box move its lid up and down like it was talking with a mouth, that's very clever, i can't believe i've never seen any Youtube Poops or anything doing this before.

Joe Pera at the door: we lost to the Bears that year. and Chicago got the Nintendo first that year...

Dirg: Video Game Silence Leads To Violence...

Laertus: World Book Encyclopedias! the dagger, the icicle. but those hard books were cool.

Laertus's dad: yes they were, i still have my brown fading '70s stack of World Book Encyclopedias i won at the St. Cyril's faire. still has good definitions today for fish and U.S. States, not much has changed... 

Dirg: now see, that's not the way you can in real life handle a bully just by talking him down. if i were the kid i'd've konked the bully on the long-curly-hair head with my pink ballet shoes on the bus. buses are deadly vehicles, they only have that one lane for one-way traffic, that's how people get trampled.

Mercy Ships: it was a prank call but we are real. we hand out surgeries to deserving kids in Africa with bad mouths, a simple surgery corrects their teeth and tongue and they can eat again. find it in your heart to donate, this is real.

June Diane Raphael: that Botticelli is mine. pay close attention to the ending here, this is the FIRST time i've ever gotten to play serious on screen. i have never cried in my life till just then. sure being married to that little cute tiny bald man Paul Scheer was fun for one year but it faded quickly.

Maiara: TREEHOUSE! and it's two-storey like ours!

Dirg: this movie sucked. it wasn't at all like the Fred Savage Nintendo movie, there was no actual Nintendo 8-bit cartridge gameplay! we didn't see any of the games being played in action all the way to the Big Boss. this needed a Karate Kid round-robin tournament. 

Laertus: come on man, obviously this was the writer's recollection of his life as a kid losing his dad and how they bonded over Nintendo.

Dirg: it's a bummer ending, the dad just...dies...and it's never explained of what, he just suddenly dies like Kagome's father. did he die from being trampled by a dog that looked like a cow? this film's father is too busy building things, other people's houses that he has no time to fixer-upper his own house, it's nuts pipes and laundry rooms everywhere. and he makes his son eat cow pucks.

Laertus: remind you of anyone?

Dirg: yeah, my dad, that's why i hate it.

Laertus: g'night folks.

David Cross: i was so good at playing the illegal Cabbage Patch Doll seller operating out of the trunk of my car cos i used to sell drugs on the mean streets of NYC in the freezing snow. temps would drop and so would trunks as in trousers. i sold some drugs to Anthony Bourdain, yeah Tony was working at a soup kitchen that's where I came up with the idea for Too Many Cooks. g'night folks.

David Cross: i mean the moral of this story is family is what Christmas is about, not video games. my life is a miracle. i wish i still had my family, i pray to St. Joan every night...

Jillian and Monica Lewinsky have dressed up in cagey big-bottom turn-of-the-19th-century ruby-wine cocktail dresses with frilly sleeves. they stand on the overhang of a white-powder cliff jutting themselves out by reciting feminist poetry on a scroll laughing coyly writing in their journals with umbrella quills what will become YA fiction...

Jillian: tut tut, tisk tisk, why are boys our age so stupid?

Monica: scoff scoff, so damn immature, so vapid and precarious, they fly away at the first sign of trouble or adulthood, this is why girls have been seeking out men for centuries.

Jillian: they're like a murder of crows...

Suzy: it's right daft, you'd think I would be the one to use murder of crows in passing conversation...

Suzy cups her dainty hand to her full lips with a yodel teacup as her sash becomes her scarf.

Suzy: OY! GET OFF THE MATTERHORN!

Suzy: wait let me get up there and try something:

Suzy: RICOLA!!!!!!!!!

Jillian: wait i need something from you, put your Instagram details into my phone.

Suzy: *looking down, all thumbs* they don't use usernames anymore, just real names, so i can't be located. track a ball instead. if you punch up Suzy Lu you get three Korean old ladies.

JUST THEN SUDDENLY Jillian spots on the roof of a Main Street USA building something she has never seen in her life and will never see again:

a boy and his band above the vintage cotton-candy store dressed all in black start shredding heavy metal music at Disneyland!

Jillian: *normal voice* my goddess. whoa. this is my Beatles: Get Back moment! where were you when this concert happened? Monica, it's been fun, but it's just been fun. don't worry, i promise, Monica from Friends WILL play you in the movie. but it's time for me to move on to someone new. someone permanent. something that's real. 

 

 

TMIT: DRABBLE DAYS

 

1. do you consider your sex to be "conventional"? yes, because i only do it at Comic Con. there are a lot more women than men at a con these days believe it or not, it's just that you can't tell cos everyone's wearing that dang Anonymous mask.

2. gender identity---how do you describe yourself? a) male b) female c) trans man d) trans woman e) genderqueer/nonconforming f) different id 

i'm different. that's what the nuns at the flower shop keep telling me.

3. sexual orientation: a) hetero b) gay c) lesbian d) bi e) none or exclusive

i'm straight but i'm down to fuck Trent Reznor. Down In It if you catch my depresso drift

4. is understanding the cause and effect of the formations of gender stereotypes important?

it is VITAL. we MUST understand exactly where we came from, who formed us, and what it ACTUALLY means to be human. the fluidity of it all. that way when there's a crack in the planet from climate change and the only way for the species to survive is to live in a galaxy, when Elon Musk waves his hand beckoning us to come aboard his dusty red-powder spaceship we can stand tall and say:

"no sir, no Elon Musk, we have our OWN spaceship."

BONUS: your thoughts on this: "i'm in a committed relationship, and it feels like asking for consent every time we have sex is overkill---is that wrong?"

consent is VITAL. without consent there's no functioning society, that goes for porn but that goes for life. this is why you only get into a committed relationship with someone you truly LOVE, not someone you lust. i know it's hard to believe, but the purpose of life is not sex, it's love.

Aretha: honey child, the purpose of life is respect.

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